Original subtitles

Would you look at you? Working like a dog on a Saturday night.

That's why the man pays you the big buck.

You know, it's nice that you're becoming this independent woman

who feels good about staying at home, but

could you at least wear those thigh-high boots

so I can feel good about staying at home, too?

Come on, let's watch a real tear-jerker.

How many times can we watch James Mason walk into the ocean?

No, this is a real gut-wrenching, cry-your-eyes-out time.

I taped Bryant Gumbel's goodbye on the Today show.

Why did you make me watch this? I was just getting over Deborah Norville.

Well, thank you so much for driving me home from the party, Danielle.

You know, the pleasure's all mine, Maxwell.

Well.

Look at the time. And I've got an early day tomorrow.

Then let's stay up all night.

Well, now, look, Danielle, we've only just met, and the thing is,

I'm afraid I've had a bit too much to drink.

Maxwell, you're not involved with someone, are you?

-Yes. -Who?

I don't know.

Well, then, let's not tell her. Okay?

Good night, Mister... Oh my God!

In our own home?

Yes, let me... Why don't I introduce--

You know, I have three kids upstairs that you are responsible for.

There better be a good explanation for this.

-Is this the woman you're involved with? -Of course not.

This is my nanny.

She seems very strict.

Now, look here, honey, we don't need some cheap floozy in tight clothes

turning his head around.

That's what I'm here for.

Now, it's not what it looks like.

We were both at a backer's party. She was a guest of the host.

I had just a little teeny martini and I...

Wait a minute. Why am I explaining this to you? You're not my wife.

I can't even process that, it was so mean.

That's it. I'm going home to my mother.

Wait a minute. I didn't do anything wrong.

She's coming here.

She was working in a bridal shop In Flushing, Queens

'Til her boyfriend kicked her out In one of those crushing scenes

What was she to do, where was she to go? She was out on her fanny

So, over the bridge from Flushing To the Sheffields' door

She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more

She had style, she had flair She was there

That's how she became the Nanny

Who would have guessed That the girl we described

Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed?

-Now the father finds her beguiling -Watch out, C.C.

-And the kids are actually smiling -Such joie de vivre!

She's the lady in red When everybody else is wearing tan

The flashy girl from Flushing The Nanny named Fran

Good morning, everyone but you.

Tart, sir?

Been there, done that.

Would you excuse us a moment, children? Miss Fine and I need

to discuss something in private.

Dad, it's no big secret. Fran was asleep on the couch.

You came home ripped with a model.

Then you kissed her. Fran snagged you. Now you're in the dog house.

Pass the Smucker's.

How did you know?

Well, Dad, if you just learned to trust us like Niles does,

-he tells us everything. -Come along, children.

Time to take some Kaopectate for that verbal diarrhea.

Miss Fine, it's all perfectly innocent. That young lady--

Young?

Maybe the new parts.

I don't know why I'm always having to defend myself to you.

I'm a grown man. I can come and go as I please.

I don't know who you are anymore.

I am your boss. You are the nanny.

And that is an end to the discussion.

-Fine. Then I'll say no more. -Thank you.

Dr. Miller, I keep seeing him with that woman

over and over again in my head.

I mean, if all he wanted was a night of cheap, tawdry sex with some floozy, well,

I'm already on the payroll.

Fran, you don't really mean that, do you?

Yes.

Oh, God, how could he do this to me?

Fran, the problem is you're elevating Mr. Sheffield to the role of a husband.

So of course you're gonna be jealous

if he goes around behaving like a single man.

Fran?

Are you following me?

I'm sorry, Dr. Miller. It's just, after you put "Mr. Sheffield"

and "husband" in the same sentence,

everything else kind of went underwater.

Don't you see? You're responding to him as though you're in a relationship.

-Now, listen to me carefully. -Okay.

He's your boss.

You are the nanny.

Wow!

You mean, no one's ever pointed that out to you before?

Constantly. But, you know, when you're paying 140 bucks an hour,

it's got so much more resonance.

-Niles, did my boyfriend call? -For heaven's sake, you're almost 50.

Do you have to call him your boyfriend?

You're just jealous because I have a lover and you have her.

C.C., I've got your ticket to the Broadway Guild Awards.

I hope there's an extra one because I'll need two.

-Hello, Mr. Sheffield. -Miss Fine.

Well, you seem to have moved past the unpleasantness of the other morning.

Did you have a good therapy session?

Mr. Sheffield, what goes on in a therapist's office is confidential.

You really shouldn't pry into the private lives of others.

The new People.

Well, I'm glad you're feeling better, Miss Fine.

I am. Dr. Miller is a genius.

He is so intelligent and insightful.

I swear, I have never met a man that understood me more.

Sounds to me like someone might have a little crush on their therapist.

Sounds to me like someone is a little jealous.

See what you're doing, don't you?

You are elevating me to the status of wife.

That's why you can't stand to see me act like a beautiful, single woman.

I can assure you, Miss Fine, I'm not jealous.

-Denial. -I'm not in denial.

Denying denial.

So, what was this breakthrough your genius therapist brought you to?

You are my boss, and I am your nanny.

And that is what I am paying $140 an hour for?

I said the same thing to you the other day.

Yes, but you said it with anger.

You really must learn to communicate in a way that I can absorb.

So, Yetta, remember, when the movie starts, turn up your hearing aid.

They got sound now?

-Your turn. -Yeah.

I'll have a large popcorn, no butter, no oil, dry, air-popped with a diet coke.

-Anything else? -Yeah, a Goobers, a large Snickers

and a nachos with extra cheese.

Fran, you can eat all that stuff in The Zone?

Yeah, The Twilight Zone.

Why can't I lose weight?

Maybe I should see a therapist to help me stop eating.

You know, it's the only thing I haven't tried besides diet and exercise.

You know, Dr. Miller could help you. He is an absolute genius.

I'm telling you, he's the next Sigmund Freud.

He's an excellent doctor. The best.

You've been to Dr. Miller?

No. Freud.

Oh, my God. There's Dr. Miller. There he is.

Let's go over and say hello. No. Wait a minute.

If he asks me how I am and I answer him, Is he gonna charge me?

Fran, look at you. You're so nervous.

Well, Val, we are in the presence of genius here.

My only goal is that someday I be as confident and brilliant

and sophisticated as that man.

You mean, the one picking his nose?

Yetta, a man as distinguished as Dr. Miller doesn't pick his nose.

Wow, he's really digging up there.

Oh, my God.

You know, it must be so nice to be so comfortable with yourself.

What's your shrink trying to do? Pick his own brains?

-He's coming over. He's coming-- -Fran, what a surprise.

-Hi. -How are you?

Have you met my friend Val?

Honey, what are you doing home? Don't you have therapy now?

No. I canceled it.

You know, I think I'm very disillusioned by Dr. Miller.

It reminds me of the time when Mrs. Brady started dating Greg.

Adds a whole new meaning to being busy with three boys of your own.

Honey, what did the doctor do?

Ma, something so repulsive and disgusting, I can't even talk about it.

Ma, he picked his nose in public.

Some people are so unaware about how they look to other people.

Ma, swear that you're not gonna tell Mr. Sheffield.

I built this guy up to be such a genius

that I don't wanna look like a shmegegge. You know?

Sweetheart, you live with him.

You raise his three children without a ring on your finger.

You're already a shmegegge.

Ma, that is my job. I happen to be a child care professional.

Fran?

What's that?

One of the kids calling.

Coming.

Niles, where's my... Never mind.

Sylvia.

If you're looking for your daughter, she's on her way to therapy.

No. She's upstairs. She's not going to that doctor anymore.

Why? What happened?

Well, he did something very inappropriate.

She doesn't want me to tell you. She's afraid you'll overreact.

What did he do?

Let's just say he put his hand someplace he shouldn't have.

Oh, my God. And nobody's gonna do anything about it?

What are you gonna do? Call the police?

They would have to arrest every man on the subway.

Look at you. You look very '60s.

It's a Dolce & Gabbana.

I was talking about your face.

By the way, this came for you.

-What are all those big creases in it? -It was stuffed in the mailbox.

I was talking about your neck.

Things are heating up with Chandler.

He sent me the key to his apartment.

"Dear C.C., you're suffocating me. Here's your key back"?

You poor thing.

No date for your big awards ceremony Saturday?

That ungrateful... I waited on him hand and foot.

Every morning at 6:30, I brought him a hot latte.

I called him 40 times a day to make sure he was eating right.

How could he say I was suffocating him?

You poor thing. I can't imagine anything more humiliating.

Yeah? How's this? What are you doing Saturday night?

What makes you think I'd be caught dead at an awards ceremony with you?

Two hundred fifty bucks?

Pick me up at 8:00 and buy yourself a corsage. I don't wanna look chintzy.

Miss Fine, are you decent?

Yeah, but I can get indecent in a minute.

I just want you to know that what your therapist did

was reprehensible. And I support you 100 percent.

How could Ma have told you?

I left her with so much food.

You... Do you wanna talk about it?

Mr. Sheffield, it's just that I always thought of Dr. Miller

as being so professional with such impeccable character.

I would have never thought he could do anything so disgusting.

The man should have his license revoked.

Well, I don't know about that.

I mean, all guys need to do it now and then.

But usually they have the decency to wait until they get into the car.

Excuse me. I don't mean to be presumptuous, but you are

one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen.

Well, thanks.

Gee, you know, you seem pretty together. What are you doing going to therapy?

I'm a compulsive liar.

Mr. Sheffield, what are you doing here?

I've come to give this doctor, and I use the term loosely,

a piece of my mind.

More important question is, what are you doing here, Miss Fine?

Well, I wanted to confront him. And I felt like you already paid for the session,

I might as well work through the trauma of seeing my parents in bed.

-Having sex? -No, whitefish.

I'm next.

So, do you want me to go in with you?

No. I really need to learn how to handle these situations like an adult,

and not always expect you to be there to take care of me.

-I understand. -Can I have a little huggy-poo first?

You're Maxwell Sheffield, the producer.

Well, I've seen every one of your shows. You're brilliant.

Thank you.

-So did you enjoy the movie? -Not really.

Thank God, I bought a box of boogers... I mean, Goobers.

You seem a bit anxious.

Well, it's just that I do have something on my mind,

and I just find it so difficult articulating

that I saw you picking your nose.

You did? And you found that so offensive?

Yeah. I could vomit.

You catch me doing something perfectly human,

and now you've changed your entire opinion

just because you saw me with my finger in my nose?

Well, don't you see what you're doing?

You're doing the same thing to me as you do to Mr. Sheffield.

It is very common for a woman to idealize the men in her life,

hoping that she'll find one as perfect as her father.

You're right, doctor. A guy who sleeps all day, wears a bad wig

and stinks of chopped liver doesn't fall off trees.

No way are you old enough to have a 17-year-old daughter!

Yeah, sincerely. I'm 44 years old.

-What? -Yes, I am.

So, how did it go?

Well, he explained that what he did wasn't so wrong.

I mean, men are human and he had an itch, he had to scratch it.

That is such a crock! Let me get in there.

What the hell do you think you're doing to this woman?

-You should have your license revoked. -Well, you must be looking for Dr. Pepkin.

No. I'm looking for a doctor who takes advantage of poor, vulnerable patients.

Yes, that's Pepkin.

Stand back, Miss Fine. I'm gonna teach this genius of yours a lesson.

Mr. Sheffield, why are you acting so macho, like an animal?

It's good.

I'm not gonna let him take advantage of you, Miss Fine.

Wait a minute. Does everyone in your world react in such a way

to someone picking their nose?

You're damn right!

Excuse me a moment.

He picked his nose?

Yeah. What did you think he did?

Not that.

Where would you get that from?

What? From the same place I get every other idiotic, meshuganah idea.

From you!

You're gonna drive me into a bloody institution, you know that?

Now do you see how he yells at me, makes me feel this big?

Then you wonder why I elevate him to husband.

You know, can I just say, you two make the most beautiful,

most perfect couple I have ever seen.

-Who is this guy? -He's just...

He happens to be one of the most well-respected marriage counselors

in the business.

What a night. I don't know how I had the presence of mind

to keep my acceptance speech down to 30 seconds.

You didn't thank anyone.

Right.

Niles, thank you for escorting me.

You know, you're actually almost charming

when you're not being a mean, miserable old man.

Funny, I was gonna say the same about you.

You know, I'm really glad that this little fling

between you and Chandler is over.

Yes. He was beneath you.

Not anymore.

I almost forgot.

Here is your check.

This one's on me.