Original subtitles

Good morning.

-Ms. Fine, these were delivered for you. -Great.

Ms. Fine, filling in for your cousin Mel, the doorman, again?

I wish. Is that a cushy job or what?

All he does is open doors and receive packages.

A baboon could do that.

Well, of course, a highly trained baboon.

What do you think? I'm gonna mix and mingle at the Yacht Club today.

Yacht Club? That's setting your sights a little high.

You know, I am not the same chick I was when I started here three years ago.

I can't look for love in all the old joints,

now that I've acquired so much class and panache.

There's that Band-Aid that came off in the bathtub.

She was working in a bridal shop In Flushing, Queens

'Til her boyfriend kicked her out In one of those crushing scenes

What was she to do? Where was she to go? She was out on her fanny

So over the bridge from Flushing To the Sheffield's door

She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more

She had style, she had flair She was there

That's how she became the nanny

Who would have guessed That the girl we've described

Was just exactly what The doctor prescribed?

-Now the father finds her beguiling -Watch out, C.C.

-And the kids are actually smiling -Such joie de vivre!

She's the lady in red When everybody else is wearing tan

The pleasure girl from Flushing The nanny named Fran

Sweetheart, thank God you're home.

I have to warn you, you're in terrible danger.

Did Niles make a noodle kugel?

Ma, would you concentrate. Pretend you're full.

Did Aunt Freida call?

Yeah, she said her apartment was being painted.

So I said she could stay here for the night.

I am too late. She's been thrown out of her apartment. She is broke.

They even took away her night club to pay for her taxes.

No more Freida's Le Freak?

That place was like an institution.

-Has the city no soul? -They're putting in a Loehmann's.

You know, you really can't fight progress.

She's hitting up everyone in the family for a place to stay.

How could this happen? The woman's buried five husbands.

You'd think that she can live off of what she found in their old pants' pockets.

What happened to Fred, her millionaire boyfriend?

Well, she's afraid, if he knows that she's broke

he'll think that she's after him for his money.

Well, isn't she?

If she has a brain in that fat head of hers she is.

Poor Aunt Freida.

She came this close to making it as a singer

and her damn boyfriend Steve had to go meet Edie.

Well, good luck getting rid of Freida now.

She's like a cesarean scar. You'll have her for life.

-Fri. -Syl.

So how are Morty's mumps?

-They're still contagious? -Very.

Fred, get out of the car.

He's so sweet but he's such a shmegegge.

Fred, honey, pull the nob up.

How could such a shmegegge become so rich?

This from a woman who voted for Ross Perot?

Fred.

Fred, I'd like you to meet my sister-in-law Sylvia

and her daughter Fran.

I'm Sylvia.

I'm gonna go upstairs and steam a couple of things.

Fred, would you like to come in?

No, no. I'm fine out here.

No, I've got a light and a chair.

I don't wanna be a bother.

What do you know, he's half Jewish.

Will someone tell me When it is my turn

Don't I get a dream for myself

Starting now it's gonna be Mr. Sandman.

Yes, bring me a dream

I had a dream

A dream about you And you and you

And you who needed a little bite to eat, your 17-pound turkey is ready.

Excuse me. I'm taking a short break. Enjoy the buffet.

Well, now that that's taken care of I can go to my Yacht Club.

Speaking of turkeys...

how many arrangements does that human karaoke know?

Well, that depends. Has she already done her tribute to Chaka Khan?

C.C., would you mind leaving us alone for a moment?

I'd like a word with the skipper.

Exactly how long is your aunt's engagement here going to last

because we do have another act coming in

from the Nanny Agency.

Well, if you'll just retract those veins,

I'll tell you a perfectly good explanation.

There is no explanation why that woman is still in my house.

A very wealthy and repressed man's in love with her

but he's not ready to commit.

Well, that's understandable.

You know, it's only fair that she gives him plenty of time.

And how much time are we talking?

I don't know. Can't rush these things.

Yeah, well, I hope he knows that he doesn't have forever

because she's not gonna wait around for some schlub

since she can't even spit in this town without hitting some eligible classy guy.

Well, good bloody luck to her catching one

because men seldom date women who say the word "schlub"

and rarely marry those who spit.

Did your big fat ears get all that, Niles?

It's just me, Daddy.

Sweetheart, I'm sorry. Do me a favor.

Tell the man with the big fat ears next to you I'd like a drink.

-Daddy wants a-- -I heard him.

Thank you. Thanks.

All right. All right. I'm leaving.

What was that about?

That woman tried to get in with a xeroxed membership card.

-It looked so phony. -Oh, my God.

Well, I'm surprised she didn't dip it in tea first to give it that aged look.

Then you paste on one of those magnetic strips from the back of

an old Blockbuster's card before giving it that authentic look of laminating it.

You wouldn't believe what people will do to marry up.

Boy, you know, that is so superficial.

Give me a working man any day.

-What do you do? -I'm a chauffeur.

That seat's taken.

Fred. Fred. Hi.

It's okay, Fred. You can talk to me.

I don't wanna bother you. You look like you're in the middle of something.

Yeah, my childbearing years.

Fred, come on over here, honey.

-I didn't know you were a member. -Yes, yes, for years now.

This is my favorite time of day.

I love to come over and watch the bartenders cut the fruit.

I don't know. When you're rich, they call it eccentric.

You know, Fred, I'm really glad I ran into you.

It's so obvious that, you know, you're a shy guy

but you really feel strongly about Freida.

Why don't you pop the question?

Freida would never marry me. She's so vibrant, sexy.

I want whatever he's drinking.

I really don't know what she sees in me.

It's your eyes.

Besides, I could never give her the kind of life that she's used to.

Parties, nightclubbing.

I'm not a very exciting man.

-I can't even-- -Fred, don't be embarrassed.

You know, you can do other things.

And, really, most women just like to cuddle.

I was going to say dance.

Well, that's good because that cuddle thing is a big myth.

Fred, I can teach you how to dance.

A couple of private lessons, you'll sweep her off her feet.

You must really love your aunt. She'd be moved.

Well, moving my aunt is a big priority in my family.

I should never have let you teach me to mambo.

No, Fred, it's okay.

You know, in China, women without toes are considered sexy.

Well, let's face it, Fran, I'll never be known for my dancing.

Nonsense, Fred. You're very light on your feet.

I'm sure there was a pair of ski boots under here somewhere.

-Look, let's forget the whole thing. -No, no.

Fred, if you don't leave here with Freida, I will regret it for the rest of my life.

Did I say I?

Let me demonstrate. Watch me.

One, two, three. One, two, three.

Turn, turn, turn. Shimmy, shimmy, shimmy.

Now, you try it.

I'll never be as good as you.

Don't compare yourself to me. I was on Dance Fever.

I'll just show you a couple of steps so you can fake it, okay?

One, two...

Hey, I kind of like that.

You're getting it.

Now, just keep doing the same thing over and over again.

Well, not that. That could get annoying.

-Fran, wait. -You're doing great.

There's something wrong with my arm.

Worry more about your feet.

-No, really-- -Fred, not so close. Don't dip me. Fred.

Fred. Fred.

Hello, Fred.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Fred, I hope for your sake, that's rigor mortis setting in.

Dr. Warner wanted in Radiology please.

Can you believe that she did this to me, under my own roof?

Momma, I'm gonna faint. Hold me.

Hold you? I'm still paying for this hip.

You happy, hot pants?

Don't you yell at my daughter, Nettie.

What the hell is wrong with you? Are you so desperate to get married?

Where is this insanity coming from?

Mr. Sheffield is here. Put some lipstick on.

Why won't anyone believe me?

I was just trying to get those two together.

Just because he was lying on top of me with romantic music

at 1:00 in the morning doesn't mean

You know, this would all be a non-issue if I was running opposite Dole.

I've got an 8:00 a.m. appointment.

Niles, would you let C.C. know, what happened?

I already phoned her, sir.

Told her that a certain millionaire suffered a heart attack in Ms. Fine's bed.

Maxwell.

-You're all right? -Dear, you thought I meant him?

He can have visitors now but he's weak, so you should only go in one at a time.

-Right. -All right.

-Thank you. -Thank you.

Thanks for taking such good care of him, nurse. I really appreciate it.

Fred.

Freddy.

It's your Freida-la.

Are you all right? Can you hear?

His color's not so good.

Well, that hose you're standing on might have something to do with it.

You have the nerve to speak to me?

I didn't do anything. I'm innocent.

Look, he's trying to say something.

Fran, you're so good.

Put my leg where?

Where the heck is that hose?

You husband stealer, you.

Now, who's gonna take care of me?

Where am I gonna live?

The idea of Ms. Fine being seriously involved with Fred is absurd.

Why do you say that, sir?

Come on, man, he's nice

but she couldn't be interested in him after me.

What's so great about you?

I mean, what's so great about you is your ability--

-Shut up. -Right.

Of course, it's only a matter of time before she does find someone

if she keeps putting herself out there.

Do you think she's doing all this just to spite me

for taking back the, you know, thing?

Well, it's very difficult to say, sir, considering the fact

that I don't know what the bloody thing is.

Well, I might as well tell you.

We'll get back to them.

First of all, no one else must ever know what I'm about to tell you.

All right. Let me see, we were on our way back from Paris.

Well, I thought we were about to die,

so, I turned to Ms. Fine and I told her I loved her.

Then I panicked, took it back and, well, that's it.

So now you know what the thing is.

Fran, I refuse to share a bathroom with your aunt anymore.

I brushed my teeth with some chick product.

Don't even wanna speculate what that was.

What are you complaining about.

There's like a toenail from Jurassic Park in my bathroom.

And look at this.

Your aunt ate the entire box of chocolates that my boyfriend gave me.

Don't worry, kids. I'll take care of everything.

Nanny Fine, I didn't know you were attracted to decrepit old men.

Am I gonna have to keep my eye on the two of you now?

In my day, two people got to know each other first.

In your day, there only were two people.

Fran.

Franny, darling, Fred regained consciousness,

explained everything.

And then he proposed.

So can you ever forgive me?

-Did you accept? -Yeah.

All is forgiven.

-There you are. -There you are.

Look, how excited they are for me.

Not quite yet, my loves, because, you know, there's still so much to do.

And I haven't even decided where I'm gonna have the ceremony

now that I'm getting married.

-Here, here. -Here?

You are a doll.

So, I'm gonna go upstairs and try on my old wedding gown.

Come on, kids, help zip me up.

I'll get the pliers.

All right. I know something just happened.

You just offered to have Freida's wedding here.

What? Well, why didn't you bloody say something?

Calm down.

Do you think that I would subject you to the horror of a Fine family affair?

Not after what happened at Grandma Yetta's birthday party

which you know nothing about. Why am I bringing it up?

Moving on.

I can't believe I agreed to let Freida have her wedding here.

Relax. I've got a plan.

Thank God.

First, I'll go out and buy a dress for the wedding.

-Yes. Right. -Give me your credit card.

This way it looks like you're going along with it.

Right. Right.

Okay. Now, while I'm doing that, you, this'll be a snap for you.

-Go upstairs. Find Freida. -Yeah.

And take it back.

This is beautiful.

Why is it families only get together at weddings and funerals?

You know, you wore that dress to her last wedding.

I'm saving the new one for your shiva, Nettie.

Well, we don't need anything old or blue. I just shoved Freida into her corset.

-Fran, Fran, can I talk to you? -Sure.

I can't go through with this.

Fred, now, I don't wanna hear that you're not good enough for Freida.

You're a wonderful guy. I'd marry you in a second.

Then marry me. I think I'm in love with you.

Fred, don't be ridiculous. You're just getting cold feet.

I'll give you anything you ever wanted. Yes, I'm worth millions.

This'll do.

No, Fred.

You don't love me. You love Freida.

You guys make a perfect couple.

There is nothing more right in this whole world.

This is so wrong.

You say anything to disturb this ceremony and you're dead.

And do you, Freida Rubinski Mannarino

Chong'dow

Bitterman...

Excuse us. Coming through. Excuse me just a minute.

-Thank you. -I can't let Freida go through with this.

Yes, you can.

My house has turned into a pest motel where the Fines check in

but they don't check out.

You don't understand.

He doesn't wanna marry her. He said he loves me.

He's confused. The man just had a near-death experience.

He didn't know what he was saying.

Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. Now, you're taking it back for him?

You know, maybe ignorance is bliss. Maybe I should just let them be happy.

I mean, Freida's been widowed five times.

Maybe six will be her lucky number, who knows.

I do.

-Fred. -Freddy.

-He said, "I do." -We heard him.

Mr. Sheffield, look, Aunt Freida sent us a tape from their honeymoon.

I can't believe how well Fred recovered.

I know. Doesn't he look incredible.

Boy, that quadruple bypass really did the trick.

Next week, I'm gonna teach him the "Macarena."