Original subtitles

I can't believe we're here to see the Rosie O'Donnell Show.

After his incredibly memorable performance

in the hit film Four Weddings and a Funeral,

our first guest has gone on to become one of today's hottest movie stars.

His new movie, Extreme Measures, opens next Friday.

Please say hello to Hugh Grant.

What's up?

-Thank you. -Hello.

-Hi. -How are you?

-You shot it here in New York? -We shot most of it here in New York.

Yeah, yeah, that's an experience.

I mean, it's a nice experience don't get me wrong, but just...

took some adjustment. You know, I'm used to English film sets

where everyone's very, very nice to you all the time

and "Hello love, can I get you anything? Cup of tea, doughnut?"

-That kind of stuff. -Right.

And here I find myself getting cups of tea and doughnuts for the drivers.

Is he to die for or what?

That thick head of hair and that adorable English accent.

Me stuck in the house all day. Where am I ever gonna meet a guy like that?

All right. We're back.

Thanks. I'm on TV, buddy.

Stifle.

My lovely assistant telling me that my son will not go down for his nap.

Put on C-SPAN, those senators put each other to sleep.

That's pretty funny. Who said that?

Try that, try that.

-Stand up. -Look, I'm on the monitor.

Good, the camera puts ten pounds on the hair too.

-Hi. -Hi. How are you?

-I'm good. Thank you. -What's your name?

Fran Fine. Fran Fine, Miss Rosie O'Donnell.

You know, it's two-for-one on Saturday at Pathmark.

I like glossy, but if you like a matte finish--

Listen, I'm not Sally Jessy. I can't pretend I care, okay?

-Okay. -All right. How many kids you got, Fran?

Kids, no. I mean,

all the whining and the diapers and the schlepping, please.

-Well, yeah? What do you do for a living? -I'm a nanny.

Let's see what this is. Emergency.

Hey, Fran, your trick worked.

Two minutes with C-SPAN, my son's out like a light.

Of course, watching all those senators, he now has a hooker in the crib with him.

That's funny.

You're funny. I like your laugh. Listen, why don't you meet me

in my dressing room after the show and we can talk?

My God, this is incredible.

I swear I have dreamed of this exact moment,

only my outfit was tighter, my hair was bigger and you were Streisand.

Fran Fine, ladies and gentlemen.

We'll be back with Chaka Khan right after this.

She was working in a bridal shop In Flushing, Queens

'Til her boyfriend kicked her out In one of those crushing scenes

What was she to do, where was she to go She was out on her fanny

So, over the bridge from Flushing To the Sheffields' door

She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more

She had style, she had flair She was there

That's how she became the Nanny

Who would have guessed that the girl We've described

Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed?

-Now the father finds her beguiling -Watch out, C.C.

-And the kids are actually smiling -Such joie de vivre!

She's the lady in red When everybody else is wearing tan

The flashy girl from Flushing The Nanny named Fran

I can't believe we're in Rosie O'Donnell's dressing room.

I'm so nervous, I don't know what to do with myself.

You know, I'm doing what any real fan would do.

I'm going through her stuff.

She really does shop at Kmart!

Where's my favorite nanny? How's the professor?

You're going through my stuff, aren't you?

Me? No. No. This is hers.

Here, honey.

She went through your stuff.

I'd like you to meet my best friend, Val.

I loved you in Misery.

When you broke James Caan's legs, I was screaming.

Yeah, thanks. You know, I won an Oscar for that performance.

I know.

This is Gracie, one of the three beautiful children I take care of.

Hi, Gracie.

You know, I care about them more than myself.

Yeah, where are the other two?

I swapped their tickets, so me and Val could get in.

Fran, I was talking to my producer outside.

What do you think about doing a weekly spot on the show?

-You know, about childcare. -My God!

Me on the Rosie O'Donnell Show in front of millions of people?

What's your male demographic?

You know, you're perfect for TV.

You're funny, you're beautiful and you obviously adore children.

You know, I am a nurturer by nature.

-Fran, I have to go to the bathroom. -Nanny's busy, honey. Cross your legs.

Honey, let me be the one to tell your father

about the job on Rosie O'Donnell. He doesn't understand

how I can juggle a million things and still stay on the ball.

Your brother and sister didn't come with us today.

Fran, did you tell Val not to tell anyone?

Now, who is she gonna tell? I'm her only friend.

Congratulations!

Val!

I'm sorry but you are all going to have to leave.

This isn't my house.

-He's not home. -Photo op.

I can't tell you how this job on the Rosie Show makes me so--

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

It's all right, Miss Fine. Niles told me all about it.

Why do you have to be such a yenta?

I am not a yenta. I'm just sucking up, so he'll tell me

what the thing on the plane on the way back from Paris was.

Mr. Sheffield, you're not upset that I'm gonna be working two jobs?

Two jobs? What's the other one?

Here. Yes.

Fran, you were born to be in front of the camera.

It's in your genes.

You know, I was gonna be a model, but you know what stopped me?

What's in your jeans?

Mr. Sheffield.

You know, you're certainly being supportive.

Well, Miss Fine, that's what I meant when I said we should be friends.

You mean when you took back the thing.

The definition of the thing.

Maxwell told Fran he loved her on the way back from Paris.

Then took it back.

Miss Fine, friends should be supportive. They don't dwell on the past.

Yeah, they do. I mean, you know...

our people might have enjoyed Hogan's Heroes,

but that doesn't mean that we're gonna go out and drive a Mercedes.

All right. We may drive a Mercedes,

but it doesn't mean we're gonna fly Lufthansa.

-Unless we have mileage. -Yes, yes. All right. I get the point.

You are never gonna forgive me for taking back the thing.

What are you two doing airing your dirty laundry in public?

Let's go into the office where we can be more private.

Speak into the flowers.

Please welcome America's favorite nanny, Fran Fine.

All right. Your first letter right now. "Dear Fran,

my son sits too close to our TV set when he's watching. What should I do?"

-From Mary in Dayton, Ohio. -Well, Mary, here's the thing.

Get a bigger TV. This way, his head will be comparatively smaller

and it won't block your view, honey.

True.

This is from Jackie Hall in New Jersey.

"Dear Fran, I choose not to breastfeed

but my husband thinks I should. What should I do?"

Well, that depends, Jackie. Do you have any children?

No. I can do no more.

All right, one more. One more.

-Thank you. -Bye.

Bye, everyone. I love you.

You know, Maxwell, I think it's nice

Nanny Fine's doing that little talk show thing.

It gives us so much more time together.

Our relationship has just grown by leaps and bounds.

Miss Fine, you're back.

I do hope you've come to kibitz. I do love it when we kibitz.

Mr. Sheffield I just wanted to say that, you know, I know I haven't been here a lot

and I really feel guilty about it.

And not just the usual low-level hum of guilt that every Jew feels.

Nonsense, Miss Fine. Just promise me one thing, though.

When you become famous, you won't forget us.

Because there're a couple of little things we can forget and move on.

No, no, no. We'll always have Paris.

Nanny Fine, do you mind? We were in the middle of something.

This is a place of business.

Well, it's okay.

I have a lot of messages to return.

Look at this, Procter & Gamble, Gerber, Pampers.

What exactly does a national spokesperson do anyway?

They get their best friend C.C. to be their agent.

Well, you know, I really am too nice to negotiate big deals.

I guess I should have a ruthless, blood-sucking leech on my side.

I'll take that as a yes.

-What exactly does an agent get? -You mean you don't know?

-No. -50%.

-C.C. -Okay. 40%.

Miss Fine and Miss Babcock walking arm in arm.

Isn't that one of the biblical signs of the Apocalypse?

Fran, I thought you were gonna read me my book.

Little girl.

If you can't read by now, start suing your school system.

Nanny Fine, listen to this.

"The children of St. Andrew's Orphanage would love to meet you.

I'm sorry we can't afford your personal appearance fee."

Yeah, right!

I'm sorry too.

What are you doing home so late?

Well, I had detention.

I thought someone was gonna come down to my school,

sit on my teacher's desk, cross her legs and get me out of it.

Quit whining. Fran forgot to chaperon me on my date.

You don't hear me complaining.

A hickey, Maggie? Did you really think

that you were gonna hide a hickey from me with a little pressed powder?

You need oil-based concealer.

Kids, I've been neglecting you. I'm so sorry.

It's just because I've been so busy with Rosie, I'm forgetting everything.

I don't even know how I get dressed in the morning.

My God!

It's a thong. Okay.

Now, children, I do hope we're not pestering Miss Fine.

We've all got to try to be a little more supportive. With her newfound celebrity,

Miss Fine is bound to be a little less accessible to us.

-Now, run along. Go on. -Mr. Sheffield,

I'm just as accessible as I always was.

I'm telling you, I'm still the same old schlob

you met when I came here-- Hi, Donny!

Come in, this way.

Donald Trump, I'd like you to meet-- What am I talking about?

All you handsome zillionaires know each other.

Donald!

Maxwell Sheffield. How do you do?

You know, Donald called me on the Rosie Show

and invited me to a party at Elaine's for Demi

who's on the cover of George, but... I don't wanna name-drop.

-See you in the limo. -All right.

Hello.

I told you not to call me on this line again.

That's better.

You know, Mr. Sheffield, a lot of men in your position

would be very threatened by me running with movers and shakers,

rubbing elbows and God knows what else.

But not you. You're really happy for me.

Now I know what you meant when you said you wanted us to be friends.

Of course.

I am very happy for you.

-Bye. -Bye.

Niles, fetch me a bottle of champagne, would you?

-To toast Miss Fine's success? -No, to shoot my eye out with the cork!

Come on, Nanny Fine. We don't wanna be late.

You know, we're meeting Uma and Uta to see Emma with Oprah.

Then dinner with Kyra, Courtney and Keanu at--

What's that place again?

I'm so bad with names.

Niles, hypothetically,

if you cared very deeply for someone but feared losing them,

what would you say to get them to stay?

Sir, I'm not going anywhere.

Not you, you blithering idiot.

Miss Fine.

-Aren't you gonna answer the door? -Is that what that bell is?

You know, I never knew that because I'm such a blithering idiot.

-Thank God you're all right. -Why shouldn't I be?

-Give me a hug. -What?

I was so worried.

Make yourself scarce.

Bubby Sophie came to her in a dream

and told her you were gonna have a horrible accident.

You rushed over here just because someone appeared to you in a dream?

Well, does everyone in your family take this Bubby Sophie thing seriously?

They do if they know what's good for them.

She told me you were gonna come home from work

and kiss a perky brunette at the door

and take a terrible fall over the ottoman.

Ma, that's the opening of the Dick Van Dyke Show.

I'm telling you it was in this very house.

Look.

Here's Ritchie.

And there's Millie.

Good night, Niles.

I'm so full.

I don't want breakfast tomorrow. Just give me two Belgian waffles.

Mr. Sheffield.

Mr. Sheffield. Mr. Sheffield.

Where am I?

Miss Fine, what are you doing here?

Well, I heard moaning and screaming coming from your room

and I figured I should be a part of it.

I just had a horrible dream.

Calm down.

Tell me what you dreamt and I'll tell you what it meant.

Well, I...

I was at a party, some sort of a celebration, for you.

Do you know someone named Bubby Sophie?

My Bubby Sophie came to you in a dream?

-She was horrible, retched. -They said she looked like me.

With a fantastic body.

Anyway, we were in a cemetery.

Everyone was having a great time.

Just about to toast your success, when...

Maxwell!

What's this I hear About your nanny on a talk show?

On a talk show

Who's the schmuck Who let her do this to your children?

To your children

I completely understand You taking back the thing

Yes, the thing

She should be so happy Just to have you as a friend

And supportive

My Bubby said that?

Sounds crazy, no?

If your nanny stays on Rosie's show

The kids will grow up wrong

No!

Miss Babcock will get Max

Fran'll stay single all her life

Living with her mother Living with her mother

Living with her mother

That's Fran's fate

If she stays on Rosie's show

Sorry, Miss Fine. Did I scare you?

Yeah, I'm terrified.

So, what do you think this dream could mean?

Well, it's obvious. Something horrible is gonna happen to me

unless I quit the Rosie Show.

No way.

You think?

-You're absolutely right. -Yeah.

Thank God I don't buy into all that Bubby Sophie mishegoss.

-What? -Mishegoss.

Means crap.

No. No, I mean, why don't you believe in Bubby Sophie like your entire family?

What, you think I'm gonna make a life-altering decision

based on some woman I never even met that comes to you in a dream?

What am I, nuts?

Now, if Barbara had come to you in a dream...

"Don't do Funny Girl, sir. Barbara's so obvious.

Do Fiddler instead."

Sir, I said the whole dream idea was ridiculous.

Stop underestimating Miss Fine's intelligence

and be honest with her for a change. Tell her how you feel.

My God, that's the thing!

You told her how you felt and then you took it back.

No. You'd never be that stupid.

-Hi, Mr. Sheffield. -There you are, Miss Fine.

Where have you been? Hanging with the hip crowd?

No, visiting Yetta. I was with the hip-replacement crowd.

But you know, she told me not to be so quick

to blow off your dream about Bubby Sophie.

She said that it was a sign that I wasn't meant to be in the limelight.

And, you know, the kids need me, you need me.

For the kids. Calm down.

So I told Rosie that this week was gonna be my last show.

Well, that's your decision.

And that's why I have an office and you clean it.

-Got fired? -Yeah.

Wait till you see my replacement.

They got this retired couple from Florida doing cheapo restaurant reviews.

-It's $10.95 for a full dinner. -Yeah.

-Includes salad, soup, dessert, coffee. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-And then, if you go with four people... -Yeah.

-You get one free! -...you get one dinner free!

Can you believe they bumped me for these two characters?

Please! My parents could do better.

Here's the sketch, boss. I gotta get ready for my dream date.

With who?

Well, I don't know.

I have to fall asleep first.

-Laura. -Sal.

Hi, hon. I'm nearly done.

Darling, I hope you're not upset

but I did something I wasn't supposed to.

Honey, it couldn't have been that bad.

What'd you do?

I pushed our beds together.

Come on. Let's go home.

No.

You're not going anywhere.

Alan wants to know what the thing is.