Original subtitles

♪♪

♪ love ♪

♪ exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure ♪

♪ your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore ♪

♪ it's love ♪

♪ welcome aboard, it's l-o-o-o-ove ♪

♪♪

-Good morning. -Hi.

Good morning! Welcome aboard.

Hello.

Thank you for sailing with us.

Good morning.

It's so romantic.

It should be. It's our anniversary.

In five days, we'll have gone together

exactly seven and a half months, eh?

I can't believe it's been that long.

Well, stage one of a romance always goes by fast.

What's stage one?

Why, that's when you can't keep your hands off each other

and you don't care who's watching.

Mm, that's us. I hope it lasts forever.

Hi. Welcome aboard.

Everything okay?

Oh, it's just great. We're stage one.

Isn't it wonderful to watch young love?

Ah, it's even better to participate.

You look lost.

Oh, no, I'm waiting for my daughter.

She's the one who made the reservation.

Oh, well, let's see what cabin you're in.

Oh, thank you.

The name, please?

The name? That could be a problem.

She's been married so many times.

Her name wouldn't be bricker, would it?

No.

Well, I-I never can keep it straight which name she's using.

Um, is there a Daphne Mitchell?

Uh, no.

Lefler?

Unh-unh.

Mcclerg?

No.

Is there a tindle?

No.

What was that blond fellow's name?

Um...beorkland.

No, there's no Daphne Mitchell lefler mcclerg tindle beorkland.

Mother!!

There she is.

Daphne, there seems to be a mix-up in our reservation.

Oh, mother, can't I even ask you to do the simplest thing?

Could I see that clipboard, please?

Here, hold this.

Well, there we are --

Daphne Knox, cabin 358, aloha deck.

[ Chuckles ] She's using the maiden name.

Not for long, mother.

That's what this cruise is all about.

What in the world is this?!

They belong to this young lady.

I'll take them. They're my daughter's wigs.

I don't care if they're the queen's knickers.

Hey, buster, that's my mother you're talking to!

You must be the bald-headed daughter.

Who do you think you are?!

I happen to be this gentleman's gentleman.

[ Laughs ]

That's a joke!

If you're a gentleman, then I'm Diana Ross!

Really? In that case --

stuff a sock in it, fella.

Mother?

If I were you, Perkins, I'd ask for two out of three falls.

Julie!

Ahh! Tina!

I'm so happy to see you!

Where's that old husband of yours -- Mac?

Well, he canceled at the last minute,

and I took Brian with me instead.

Brian? I can hardly believe it.

The last time I saw you, you were just a little baby.

Hey, Isaac, gopher, come here. I want you to meet my friend.

This is Brian and Tina Phillips.

Hi! How are you?

You might remember my talking about Tina.

Oh, yeah! You wanna hear what she said?

Hey, which one of you guys is the captain?

Well, actually --

he's not.

I, however, am the first assistant purser,

in charge of all passengers under 4 feet.

Come on. I'll show you around.

Neat.

Tina and I took our cruise-director course

under captain stubing.

Ah.

We trained together.

Really?

We even shared a cabin.

Fantastic.

Guess who we both had a crush on?

Uh, captain stubing!

How did you find that out?

Tina!

[ Laughing ] Hi!

Tina Phillips! [ Laughs ]

Oh, my favorite trainee and my biggest crush.

Oh, gee...

[ Air horn blows ]

You needn't have been so rude to those ladies.

Sir, it is part of my job to act as a buffer

between you and undesirables.

Well, they weren't both undesirable.

Well, if you've found that my services have been inadequate,

perhaps I should just resign.

Oh, Perkins, don't start that again.

I have tried very hard to meet your expectations.

What I expect on a vacation is to have a good time.

Now, why don't we just relax and try to enjoy this trip?

Just as you say, sir.

♪♪

Yo!

Oh, hi.

How you doing?

You know what I've been thinking?

What's that?

Maybe I could give up my apartment and move in with you.

I mean, I have most of my stuff at your place anyway.

I know.

The other day, the cleaning lady asked me

how I like my lady schick.

Well, don't you think that my Indian throw rug

would look good in your place?

That is a stage-2 question if ever I heard one.

Mike, what is it with you and all these stages?

That's just the way things go. That's all.

Stage two is when kissy-huggy settles down to comfy-cozy.

Mmm, sounds lovely.

Mmm. But so predictable.

All right. We'll stay in stage one.

Not possible.

Why not?

Because I've been through it all before.

It always comes out the same.

All right. We're heading for stage two.

What are our chances of making it?

I think your rug would look nice in my den.

[ Laughs ]

Mmm...

[ Laughing ]

All I said, dear, was, "couldn't you just wear something

a little less revealing?"

And all I said was, "don't bring your 1910 morals

along on my trip."

Daphne, I am just trying to --

mother, don't fuss over me. I'm a mature woman.

I've been married five times.

Exactly.

It's my life, mother. You're just along for the ride.

[ Smooches ]

Hi.

I'm Phillip Schafer.

Hello. Nora Knox.

You don't recognize me without my wheelchair, huh?

[ Chuckles ]

Of course. I'm sorry.

You're sorry?

Did you ever try to tap-dance in one of those rigs?

Ooh! Sit down.

Thank you.

I wanted to apologize for my man, Perkins', rudeness.

Oh, I'd forgotten about that already.

I wish you hadn't.

I was thinking of buying you a drink as a peace offering.

Well, I would still be happy to have a drink with you.

Do you want me to call the waiter?

No, no, no, I was thinking more

of a cozy booth in the pirate's cove.

That way, I could consider it our first date.

Well...um...

I'll take that as a "yes."

Please do.

Would you be good enough to get that chair over here?

Oh, of course.

Please?

Thanks.

And what, madame, do you think you're doing?

Well, Mr. Schafer and I were going --

I will take care of my duties.

Thank you, Perkins, but you're free to go.

Mrs. Knox and I were planning on having a little drink.

I believe your schedule calls for therapy.

Perkins!

Sir, my work is difficult enough as it is

without you interfering with the schedule.

I think you'd better go have your therapy.

Perkins, my jacket, it's right over there at that table.

Of course.

I'll humor him this afternoon.

Then we can sneak away for dinner tonight.

Sounds wonderful.

We'll start with a drink right here, say, about 7:30.

I'll be here. Could you hand me my purse?

Sure.

Sir, your jacket, and good day, madame.

May I help you, sir?

♪♪

Make a bigger nostril.

Yeah, redder lips, too.

Hi.

Hello!

Hi!

Hi!

Thanks, these are neat pencils, Julie.

Well, you're welcome. You're a pretty neat artist!

Thank you from me, too. It was a blessing.

He's been occupied for two hours, and I needed the rest.

You needed the rest? I'm the one who's been working.

You call this work?

Do they pay you, or do you pay them?

What do you think?

Let me see.

Oh, that's lovely! Who is it?

Theresa. I'll make you now.

Oh, thank you. Who's Theresa?

Theresa is the housekeeper, and Brian is crazy about her.

[ Chuckles ]

Housekeeper...

Well, we have quite a large house now.

Mmm, well, you've come a long way, baby.

Mm.

Well, who's this handsome young man, hmm?

And talented, too!

Well, this must be brain. Hi.

Hi. I bet your head burns.

[ Laughs ]

It's not allowed to. I am the captain.

Well, I see the talent runs in the family.

And I see that you haven't forgotten how to be a flatterer,

you old rascal, you.

By the way, Julie, I see that you're planning

another Mexican fiesta night.

Now, couldn't we come up with something

a little more exciting?

Um... How about a toga party?

Not that exciting.

You're so lucky, Julie. It sounds like such fun.

What does?

Planning all these parties and everything --

what a life! [ Scoffs ]

Yeah...

What a life.

You know, that Tina is so lucky.

Brian is such a doll. Look what he gave me.

Oh...

[ Laughter ]

You can't get something like that from a career.

Whoa! Wait a minute!

What happened to the old women's lib?

Oh, the heck with women's lib.

Right now, I would like to trade in my cabin

for a nice frilly bedroom and a big house with kids

and pets and two cars and a live-in maid.

Sounds to me like you got a case of Tina envy.

Tina envy?! I don't envy Tina!

It's just that everything she has, I want.

Oh, I can dig it, especially the two cars.

I kind of go for the live-in maid.

Oh, come on, you guys, you know what I mean.

Tina made the right choice.

I mean, she could have done what I did and gone for the career,

but where would that have gotten her?

Cabo San Lucas, puerto vallarta, acapulco.

Alaska.

Excuse me, guys.

I gotta go.

[ Sighs ]

Oh, man, I said the wrong thing.

Oh, only if you're insensitive to romance.

Or consider a broken heart just another toy.

[ Sighs deeply ]

♪♪

Well, sir, we seem to be a touch high this evening --

160/95.

When it gets up to 200, sell.

The fact that you're in good enough spirits to attempt humor

does not alter these results.

Don't get that forbidding look on your face.

I have plans for tonight.

Apparently, you failed to inform your heart.

Now, tonight, sir, you shall eat in and retire early.

For god's sakes, Perkins, I am not mentally incapacitated!

I can manage my own life!

Yes, sir.

However, I was hired to make sure

that you have a life to manage.

Since I seem to be aggravating your condition,

I should stay out of your sight.

Whenever you're ready to order something from the menu,

just call me.

[ Door opens, closes ]

What do you know about this man?

Well, everything I need to know --

he's a man somewhere in his mid- to late-millions.

You don't mind being on your own, do you?

Actually, I have --

you could order room service,

and that way, you wouldn't have to get dressed up.

Gotta dash. Don't wait up.

[ Door closes ]

Don't you wait up, either.

[ Water running ]

Mike!

Mike: What? What?

Could you do me a favor and not leave your dirty socks

on the floor, please?

I'm supposed to! It's vacation!

Yeah, well, at the end of three days,

it's gonna look like I'm living with a centipede!

You know what someone once said --

"cleanliness is next to godliness."

That somebody was my mother,

and you're starting to sound like her.

Maybe you'd like to check under my fingernails

before we go to dinner?

Let's see, uh, this little piggy could use some work.

Watch it, Robin. That's a stage-3 alert.

Is it gonna be as good as stage two?

No, that's the picky-picky stage.

That's where you find fault in every little thing about me,

and that leads to disenchantment --

Mike, I refuse to believe that dirty socks

can lead to disenchantment.

I tell you what -- because I'm starved,

and only because I'm starved, I'll pick up your dirty socks.

Okay? See, watch. I'm picking them up.

But if you ever do it again,

you'll be hearing from my attorney.

So predictable.

Think you're ready?

Shall we?

You know, Perkins, you're absolutely right.

Eating in the cabin will be very relaxing.

Mm-hmm, I'll call this in right away, sir.

Room serv-- Perkins! Tsk, Tsk, Tsk.

You know they'll never get it right.

Perhaps I should take this order to the kitchen personally.

Well, if you think that's best.

Yes, I think it's best.

It may take a bit longer, but we'll be better off for it.

Well, you take all the time you need.

Righto.

[ Door opens, closes ]

Yes, could you connect me

with Mr. Phillip Schafer's cabin, please?

[ Ringing ]

[ Knock on door ]

Sorry I'm late.

They caught me doing wheelies on the lido deck.

[ Indistinct conversations, light music playing ]

This is neat ice cream, Julie.

Oh, I don't think that "neat" is exactly the word.

Well, it was kind of slippery,

and I guess I did get some on the outside.

[ Chuckles ] He's wonderful, Tina.

Still, I was always surprised that you opted for marriage

instead of a career.

Well, Mac twisted my arm.

You were just about the best potential cruise director

in my class.

Oh, don't forget, Julie was pretty good, too.

Well, of course. She's made it.

And you haven't had a chance to strut your stuff yet.

[ Sighs ]

I tell you what --

I'm gonna take you to the acapulco lounge right now.

What? What for? Me?

My passengers haven't seen you yet.

I want to show them what a great dancer you are.

Now, now, just a minute. I'm going to put Brian to bed.

Oh, mom!

Oh, I'd love to take care of Brian for you. You go ahead.

Are you sure? You don't mind?

Oh, of course. I'd love a chance to play mommy.

Oh, gee, I can play cruise director.

[ Chuckles ]

Goodbye, darling.

Oh...be good.

Good evening.

Late-seating dinner is now being served

in the coral dining room.

[ Sighs ]

Are they playing "the star-spangled banner" somewhere?

Cute.

Look, Robin, I thought we were past all this.

Oh, really?

Did politeness go out with stage one or stage two?

Look, I know you think my talk about stages is nonsense.

Mike, why don't you just relax

and let us be two people in love, huh?

Oh, now the picking begins!

Ah, come on.

It's just that you seem to have this novel of our lives

already written up in your head.

Meaning what? That I'm forcing you to act like this?

Oh, come on, let's just throw out that novel

and work on a collaboration of our own, huh?

It could begin on a ship at dinner,

and the girl takes the guy's hand...

And tells me, "you got dirty fingernails."

♪♪

Looks like the coast is clear.

I feel a little guilty.

Why?

'Cause we're sneaking around?

Well, I'm taking you away from your daughter.

Time away from Daphne is time well spent.

At least you have the comfort of a child.

I don't know which is worse --

being a ward of the state or a ward of my daughter.

What I'd really like to be is self-reliant.

Self-reliance is not always a matter of choice.

[ Chuckles softly ]

Well, whoever said "war is hell"

didn't live long enough to realize that old is hell.

You make me feel very young.

Why didn't I meet you 20 years ago?

I'll take now...

No complaints.

This is the captain...

[ Laughs ]

...and this is mom.

Mmm.

And this one I did of me. I looked in the mirror.

Well, you are very good! That's neat!

You can have it.

Thank you!

Are you sure you wouldn't really rather

give it to your mother?

Unh-unh. Mom's got the real me, but you don't have anybody.

[ Dance music playing ]

[ Talking indistinctly, laughing ]

Isaac, could I have another one, please?

Oh, certainly.

Thank you.

You trying to set a record?

I've only had two.

And this makes three.

Yeah, but who's counting, right?

Go ahead, have one.

I don't want one now, thank you.

I want to dance.

I don't feel like dancing.

Well, I don't, either, but it beats the heck out of sitting here

counting drinks, doesn't it?

Uh-oh -- stage four on the horizon.

Stage four?

How does stage 10 grab you?!

You know, Mike, ever since we got on this cruise,

you've been looking for a fight!

Well, you want to know something? You've got one!

I think you're selfish, thoughtless,

and about as spontaneous as mt. Rushmore!

So predictable.

Did you predict this?

Hi! You having a good time?

[ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] Gin.

Beat you again. That's two out of three for me.

Let's make it best 66 out of 100, eh?

[ Drunkenly ] I'm home!

Oh, Daphne.

It's me -- daphle.

I know. I'll put you to bed.

Oh, mother! Why are you always mothering me?

Somebody's got to tuck you in.

I've had five somebodys.

Five.

And none of them ever tucked me in.

They were all terrible...Tuckers.

Can I help?

Uh, no, thanks. I'd better handle this myself.

I'll see you tomorrow.

All right.

Did I ever tell you about Jim?

[ Mumbling ]

♪♪

Mike!

Oh, Mike, I'm sorry about those things I said before.

I didn't mean it, really. I'm glad you're back.

I came back to get my toothbrush.

Mike?

♪♪

[ Mariachi band playing ]

Good morning, and welcome to puerto vallarta.

Those of you wishing to go parasailing,

please meet on the coral deck gangway in 10 minutes.

Julie...

Julie, I wanted to thank you

for taking care of Brian last night.

I had the most wonderful time.

Oh, so did I. He's incredible!

I know, that little devil.

That's what he does to the housekeeping.

Tina!

Ah good morning, capitán.

You were the life and soul of the party last night.

You should've seen her.

It was really terrific meeting those people.

And those people said it was terrific meeting you.

[ Laughs ] Whatever it is, you have got it.

Thank you, sir.

Oh, by the way, Julie,

what's the theme for the party tonight?

Oh, boy, I forgot.

You forgot the theme?

No, sir, I forgot the party.

I'm sorry.

Oh, gee, it shouldn't be too hard to fix.

What have you done so far? Have you had a western night?

Yep.

Uh...roaring '20s?

We've had it.

Oh, Mardi Gras -- let's do a Mardi Gras.

Mm, no, I don't think the chef knows how to make gumbo.

I have something you're gonna love.

Yes?

A sock hop.

A great idea.

Why don't you give Julie a hand

and help her out with all the details?

I would love to.

Uh, if it's all right with you, Julie.

Oh, sure! The more the merrier.

Sir, if our trust has sunk so low

that you feel the need to sneak out on me,

then perhaps I should just resign.

One of these days, Perkins,

that may cease to be a threat to me.

A gentleman's gentleman never threatens a gentleman.

He merely persuades.

Nora...

Mother, please walk straight.

I am walking straight.

Oh, lord.

Good morning, ladies!

Good morning.

Won't you join us for a little breakfast?

I'm sure Perkins has no objections.

Of course not.

Well, I think we better do something

about Daphne's hangover first.

Perkins has a marvelous cure.

Uh, no thank you.

Can you take her over to the bar

and make that thing you make?

Bar?

Well, maybe just one.

As you wish, sir.

You, um -- you feeling adventurous today?

You bet.

Good. Let's go see puerto vallarta.

What about, uh...

Don't worry about her. She's in very good hands.

Let's go.

I'm right behind you.

♪♪

Mike, please don't leave.

Look, let's face it --

you hate me, and you don't want me around.

I never said that.

Look, haven't you ever just heard of a lovers' spat, huh?

No, but there's handwriting on the wall.

That's your handwriting, Mike.

Mine says that I love you and let's talk.

We can't.

Who says?

Stage five.

That's when there's nothing left to talk about.

Why don't you tell stage five to mind its own damn business?

Goodbye, Robin.

Goodbye?! Come back here!

Mike, you can't end things this way.

You have to fight back.

What's the matter, didn't you ever see "rocky"?

What happened to those two?

It seems like only yesterday they were hugging and kissing.

It was only yesterday.

My, how time flies.

All we have to do is get some streamers,

and we can get them to make a sign that says,

"welcome to our high school's sock hop."

And we can play '50s music.

I'll announce it like a disc jockey.

And maybe you could wear a simple little sign that says,

"it was all my idea."

What does that mean? Listen, what's wrong?

I'm just making suggestions.

You just don't quit, do you?

You had to come here and show everybody

what a big success you've made out of your life

with your husband and your son and your house and your maid.

But that's not enough for you, is it?

No. You have to be a success at my job, too.

Oh, Julie --

if it's that important to you, Tina,

go ahead -- be a cruise director,

'cause to tell you the truth, I've lost interest.

[ Knock on door ]

Come in.

Hey, you want to go into puerto vallarta with us?

I don't know.

We were gonna try that new restaurant,

pepito on the pier, remember?

Hmm, count me out.

Julie, aren't you feeling okay?

You mean physically or emotionally?

I've been looking at these old pictures of Tina and me

during our training.

I really looked up to her.

Well, why not? She's a terrific lady.

Yeah, she's got it all together.

Yeah.

Why is it that some people get all the good things?

Julie...

I warned you about that green-eyed monster.

Doc, it's not that I'm jealous.

I just don't understand. What is there about Tina?

Why do you guys think she's so special?

Oh, well, first of all, she's gorgeous.

Yeah, and she's a lot of laughs.

Yeah, but don't you think she's a little pushy?

Oh, well, actually, I think she's just semi-attractive.

Oh, you're much funnier.

Well, I don't mean funny. I mean...

Uh...never mind.

First time I've ever heard someone put half a foot

in his mouth.

Look, Julie --

I know.

I know I'm being silly, but there's nothing silly

about protecting my job.

Tina doesn't want your job.

Yeah, and besides, who could possibly replace you?

Look, people come aboard this ship to have a good time.

Now, if it makes Tina happy to help you with your duty,

why don't you sit back and enjoy it?

I wonder if she knows how to make margaritas.

[ Laughs ]

You're right. I'm overreacting.

I guess I just haven't felt very good about myself lately.

Hey, cheer up, Julie.

Besides, what other woman do you know

that has three dates for lunch?

Yeah, three darn-good-looking dates.

Yeah --

well, maybe two and a half.

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

Oh, what a day.

I can't remember having so much fun.

In that case, let's get married.

Okay, you name the day.

Don't you want a little time to think about your answer?

You're serious?

Mm-hmm.

Look at us. We belong together.

I'm financially secure.

We could live comfortably, travel,

have the rest of our days be as wonderful as today.

And from a practical viewpoint,

we'd solve both our problems.

You wouldn't need Daphne anymore,

and I wouldn't need Perkins.

Mother, come up to the cabin right away.

I need you.

What is it?

He dumped me! Men are all the same.

They don't appreciate a good woman when they meet one.

I have to go to her.

But what about us?

Well, I suppose you could fire Perkins,

but I certainly can't fire my daughter,

and I can't inflict her on you.

But, Nora...

I'm sorry, Phillip.

The answer has got to be no.

Nora...

[ Knock on door ]

Who is it?

Mike: It's me.

I missed my plane. Can I come in?

That depends. What stage is this?

Listen, crazy as my theories may sound to you,

that's the way it's gone

with every girl I've ever been involved with.

Well, I'm not every girl.

I thought I was the right girl.

I believed in you and me, Mike.

Do you believe in anything besides your stupid theories?

You didn't just miss the plane.

You missed the boat, too.

♪♪

♪♪

I tell you, Julie, Tina is absolutely brilliant.

You know those "bon voyage" parties we have

when we leave Los Angeles?

Well, she's come up with the idea where we should have

"welcome home" parties when we get back.

Well, you know -- champagne cocktails

for all the passengers when they leave.

Isn't it marvelous?

[ Click, dial tone ]

Julie?

Julie?

Hmm.

Well, she's probably so excited

she had to rush off and congratulate Tina.

[ Knock on door ]

[ Knock on door ]

Come in!

What do you want?

Oh, it's you.

I could swear I heard the voice of the incredible hulk.

Ah!

Thank you.

Letter to the family?

I'm resigning.

From your family?

Actually, I waited until my parents fired me.

That way, I got severance pay.

Julie...

This is a letter of resignation!

You're quitting your job! Are you crazy?!

Yes, for giving this ship the best years of my life.

[ Knock on door ]

Julie, you gotta think this over.

I have.

[ Knock on door ]

Come in!

Come in!

If I would've been the avon lady,

you would've scared me clean out of my sachet.

Hey! Isn't it a little early

to be writing a letter to Santa?

Ooh...with language like that,

donner and blitzen are gonna bite you.

This is a letter of resignation, man.

Do you believe that from this female person?

Julie, you can't leave.

I mean, what's it gonna be like with gopher saying,

"hi, I'm your cruise director, Julie McCoy"?

You're the only one who can say that.

[ Knock on door ]

Isaac, I'm serious. I've had it.

[ Knock on door ]

Come in!

Come in!

Come in!

Gee, for a minute there,

I kinda got homesick for my third wife.

Julie's quitting.

She's leaving the ship.

That's ridiculous.

How can you write a letter of resignation?

You can't even spell it.

Look, you -- all of you!

This is for real.

I want you to understand, I quit!

Well, if Julie quits, I quit.

Well, if gopher quits, I quit.

Well, if Isaac quits, I quit.

Well, Julie?

You guys...

This calls for a celebration.

♪ Well, I saw the thing coming out of the sky ♪

♪ it had one long horn, one big eye ♪

♪ I commenced to shaking, and I said, "ooh-ee ♪

♪ it looks like a purple people eater to me" ♪

♪ it was a one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people eater ♪

♪ one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people eater ♪

♪ one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people eater ♪

♪ sure looks strange to me ♪

♪ one eye? ♪

♪ Well, he came down to earth and he lit in a tree ♪

♪ I said, "Mr. Purple people eater, don't eat me..." ♪

Oh, what a bomb this party is.

Hey, man, who thought this up?

Gee, I thought "one-eyed, one-horned,

flying purple people eater"

would have had them in the aisles.

They're in the aisles, all right -- leaving.

♪ ...flying purple people eater... ♪

Hi.

Would you like to dance?

What?!

Maybe you'd rather have a drink?

I've already had my two, thank you very much.

I love you, Robin...

A lot.

It's just that, um... I'm scared.

Of what?

Of what will happen if we give it a go and it doesn't work.

Mike, you are not buying a battery.

Now, people just don't come with written guarantees.

Could you manage a 90-day service contract?

[ High-pitched voice ] ♪ ...I like short shorts ♪

♪ flying purple people eater ♪

[ Normal voice ] ♪ what a sight to see ♪

♪ well, he went on his way, and then what do you know? ♪

♪ I saw him last night on a TV show ♪

♪ he was blowing it out, really knocking 'em dead ♪

♪ playing rock-'n'-roll music through the horn in his head ♪

[ Horn plays ]

♪♪

So, those huge engines you saw

we can control from this small panel.

What happens if you lose the key?

Well, I just call the AAA.

You're kidding.

Me? [ Chuckles ]

Well, actually, we get another ship to give us a push.

Hello.

Julie, you're not at the sock hop.

No, Tina seemed to have everything under control.

Julie, I'm sleepy.

Well, come on, and I'll take you down to your cabin.

If you play your cards right,

I just might read you a bedtime story.

How about we forget about the story

and just play cards?

High-low?

Jokers are wild.

All right. Good night, captain.

Good night, captain.

Good night, Brian.

You're not gonna let it go at this, are you?

I think you're hiding behind Daphne's skirts.

Now I'm gonna call your bluff.

She can live with us.

Well, that's very kind, but it's more than that.

I mean, I'd just be trading one dependency for another.

What difference does it make whether Daphne pays my freight

or whether you do?

The difference is that we're in love...Aren't we?

Mr. Schafer, I must have a word with you.

Not now, Perkins.

I'll only take a moment of your time.

I wish to inform you that I've found other employment.

You may consider this my resignation.

Fine.

It isn't that I haven't warned you,

but your continual lack of concern for anything I do --

Perkins...

Yes?

Take a hike.

Now, are we or aren't we in love?

I'd say we definitely are.

Can you mail letters on a ship?

Sure. Why?

I want to send one to my dad.

But, Brian, you'll be seeing him tomorrow when you get home.

No, I won't. He doesn't live at our house anymore.

Oh.

Come on, now, Tina.

It's not the end of the world.

[ Voice breaking ] Oh...

I can't even make a stupid party work out right.

[ Knock on door ]

Yes?

May I come in?

Please do.

Tina, I am so sorry.

Tina...why didn't you tell me about your husband?

Oh, I didn't have the courage.

Besides, you're such a success, and i'm...

Such a failure.

Oh...

I wish I could take away

every one of those terrible things I said to you.

I was such an idiot.

I'm the one who should apologize.

I'm the idiot.

It was my fault.

It was my fault.

It was my fault.

It was my f--

[ laughs ]

A sock hop!

I gotta get this thing moving.

Okay, all you kitties and cats,

here's another blast from the past.

From out of the stacks of wax,

a song for all you jills and Jacks --

"alley-oop!"

[ "Alley-oop" plays ]

Come here.

Mm.

Mike, uh, what stage is this?

This one's called "get me to the church on time."

I can't imagine Perkins working for a texan.

Ah, he'll be fine.

Now that Daphne's back with her millionaire,

you and I are off the hook.

[ Laughter ]

Hurry it up, Perkins.

Buck didn't hire you to stand around in an elevator all day.

Yes, madame.

Julie...

Oh, Tina, hi.

I just want to thank you...

For being a friend.

Oh, anytime.

And I just hope -- well, whatever you hope for yourself,

that's what I hope for you.

The same for you.

Oh, thank you.

Don't forget me.

Okay.

Tina!

Tina!

Goodbye.

Goodbye, Tina. Bye, Brian.

So long, Brian.

Goodbye, you guys, and thank you.

You bet.

And thank you for your understanding.

Hey, captain, I got a present for you.

It's a picture of your crew.

Hmm.

[ Laughter ]

Wait a minute.

What kind of a picture is that?

Don't blame me. I just draw 'em the way I see 'em.