Original subtitles

[Theme music]

Theme song: Love, exciting and new.

Come aboard.

We're expecting you.

And love, life's sweetest reward.

Let if flow.

It floats back to you.

The love boat, soon, we'll be making another run.

The love boat promises something for everyone.

Set a course for adventure, your mind on a new romance.

And love won't hurt anymore.

It's an open smile on a friendly shore.

It's love.

Welcome aboard.

It's love.

Aw, Cheryl, Cheryl, you don't have to call me "Mr. Smith."

Please, we've known each other for so long.

Just call me--

gopher.

Ah, I love that deep voice of yours, Cheryl.

Oh, for Pete's sake, gopher.

It's almost boarding time.

Wake up.

Mm, anything you want, Cheryl.

Cheryl?

Mr. Smith, move it now!

[Grunt]

Morning, doc.

Morning.

I know you spend every waking moment thinking about Cheryl

Tyson, but I didn't know you spend

every sleeping moment thinking about your cover girl too.

Um-- she's not just a cover girl.

She's a goddess.

Well, you're gonna have plenty of time

to daydream about your goddess.

How come?

'Cause if you're not up and outta there,

you're gonna get fired.

Bye.

[Door slam]

[Sigh]

Gopher: I know-- you wanna speak,

but you just can't say the words.

Oh, Cheryl, there must be so many questions you wanna ask,

so many things you'd love to know about me.

What can I say?

I'm just a world-weary wayfarer, adrift on the sea of life.

Oh, sure, I climbed mount Everest, took a surfboard

over Niagara Falls, walked a tightrope across the grand

canyon, on stilts.

[Chuckle]

Gopher.

Gopher.

You're doing it again, aren't you?

You're daydreaming about Cheryl Tyson.

Oh, no.

No, I was thinking about the pros

and cons of the international monetary crisis.

Well, hurry up, will you?

Gopher: Close your eyes.

I have to get dressed.

Oh, dear.

I do hope I brought enough to wear.

When you consider the steamer trunks went on ahead, it, uh--

appears sufficient, madam.

Thank you.

Oh, Bertram, see to it that the dogs

are put right into the kennels.

They're already there, madam.

Oh.

All the silverware must be polished,

and, uh-- oh, the gardener.

The last time, he overwatered my zinnias.

Now you will speak to him about that, won't you?

Rest assured, madam, it's all taken care of.

Oh, Bertram.

[Sigh] What would I do without you?

[Ship horn]

Well, I'm sure you'd manage, madam, somehow.

Announcer: All visitors ashore, please.

It's time to Wade ashore.

[Clears throat]

Oh, Bertram, do enjoy your holiday too.

Thank you, madam.

I'm sure I will.

I'm sure I will.

Bon voyage, madam.

Oh, pardon me.

Oh, excuse me.

Freight train, freight train Washington.

Reggie!

[Laugh] Hey!

How you been, man?

Hey, it's fine, man.

- You work on this ship? - Yeah.

I didn't know that.

Hey, well, I know what you been doing--

I mean-- woo whee!

Hey, listen, man, I got two of my best friends

I want you to meet, ok?

Freight train, wait, wait, wait.

Nobody ever believes me when I tell them Reggie Jackson

and I are buddies.

Freight train, I need a favor first.

Name it.

I don't want anybody to know I'm here.

Name something else.

Hey, man, the least you could do is tell me why.

Where can we talk?

In my cabin.

I'll meet you in 10 minutes.

You can't miss it-- the crew deck is just above the bilge.

After you, you're the home team.

Solid.

That's pretty nice of your mom to give

you a cruise for your birthday.

Uh-huh.

Well, it's the least I can do for the man in my life.

Wow, a whole cruise.

Best I ever got for my birthday was a sailor suit.

Yeah, and he's still wearing it.

Dad!

Hi, son!

Oh!

How are you?

[Laugh]

Well, sherman, how nice of you to come and see Lucas off.

Oh, I'm not seeing him off, Millicent.

I'm sailing too.

Would I miss your birthday?

Now here's a-- a little bon voyage present for you.

Uh, could I please have a word with you?

Of course.

What are you doing here?

Well, he's my son too.

Now you know the rules.

Oh, come on, Millie.

I bought a ticket.

There's no law against that.

Now the court made it very clear--

I've got custody of Lucas, and you

have him alternate weekends.

Hey, dad, these are great.

Thanks!

You're welcome.

Look, mom!

Yes, well, wonderful.

Come along, darling.

We're going now, see about our cabin.

Uh-oh.

Yeah, some happy birthday.

[Gasp]

It can't be.

What?

- Oh, my! - What?

- My t-shirt, it's come to life. - Huh?

Look, look at this.

Julie, it's her.

Julie: Gopher, you're undressing.

It's her!

It's Cheryl Tyson!

It's her!

Miss Tyson, miss Tyson, could I just see--

oh!

[Clatter]

Cheryl: Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Could somebody show me to my cabin?

Oh, I will!

I will!

Oh--

he has a little problem with his sea legs.

Allow me, miss Tyson.

Gopher: As you were, baldy.

[Gasp]

Oh, it's you, admiral Smith.

Yes, it's me, you nautical ninny.

Come here.

Uh.

Yes, sir, anything you say, sir.

[Scream]

Put that back on, you living flashbulb.

Sorry, sir.

Anything you say, sir.

Then stop repeating that.

Yes, sir.

Anything you say, sir.

Mr. Stubing.

Uh-huh?

Who is this lovely water nymph?

Well--

just one of your ardent admirers, sir.

Intelligent too, I see.

Wait for me in my quarters.

Thank you, sir.

I'll be waiting.

Dismissed.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Gopher: Mr. Stubing.

Yes, sir?

Yes, sir?

Get a haircut.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you.

Gopher.

- Hm? - Gopher.

Hm? What?

Uh-- next.

Uh-- next, next.

Why don't you form a single line and--

hello.

Uh-- tickets, yeah.

Uh--

yes, if you go right through those doors.

Welcome aboard.

[Fog horn]

[Cheering]

And it's the constant autographs, freighters.

It's people coming up to you when

you're trying to get something to eat

and have dinner with friends.

It's women hitting on you all the time.

Man, it's murder.

Yeah, but what a way to die.

Yeah, but I gotta go to spring training in a couple of weeks,

and I've got to get some rest.

I mean, help me.

You gotta understand.

Hey, ok, ok, listen.

As long as you're on this ship, you are no longer

Reggie Jackson, superstar.

You are just plain ol' rj from Oakland.

Rj-- I haven't been called rj in 15 years, man.

Brings it back home.

Hey, man, well, I haven't been called freight

train since junior high school.

Never did grow, did you?

Hey, now, wait a minute, don't forget who stomped

your tail in the 5th grade.

And who got yours in the 9th, 10th, 11th, huh?

Come on.

Oh-- that's right, you did get me.

Oh, man.

Didn't I?

Hey, but I tell you, it's funny the way things have turned out.

Yeah, it is kind of funny.

I mean, here I am with a career in the leisure industry,

and there you are--

uh, what is it that you do again?

Hey!

Hey.

Hey, all right.

[Laughing]

So this chap says to the girl, "why don't you come to my cabin

and learn my [inaudible]?

[Laughing]

Oh, that's delightful.

I must remember that.

Mr. MacDonald, looks like you're

gonna be the hit of the cruise.

Anyone who has stories like that must be a salesman, right?

Well, um-- I'm in, um--

transportation, amongst other things.

That could mean almost anything.

Well, I've dabbled in silver and, uh--

thoroughbred dogs.

Are you involved in the markets?

Oh, yes, I'm in and out of the market all the time.

Bertram?

Excuse me.

Good day, madam.

What on earth are you doing aboard this ship?

Vacationing, same as you, madam.

On the same ship?

I read your travel brochures.

They sounded absolutely marvelous.

With me?

Well, you see, uh--

I only get a vacation when you have a vacation.

But, Bertram, I mean--

why didn't you tell me?

I thought you might disapprove.

And I might miss the most wonderful trip I've been saving

for for a very long time.

I see.

Well, what's done is done.

I mean, I can't very well order you overboard, can I?

[Chuckle]

Well, I'm sorry if I've embarrassed, madam,

but please don't worry.

It's a very large ship.

We needn't see each other.

Good day, madam.

Oh, madam, don't talk to any strange men.

Hey, if you expect your cover girl to notice you,

you have got to be cool.

K, o, double l-- cool.

How can I be cool?

I'm just an assistant purser.

She's every man's dream.

She's like-- eternity gazing at itself in a mirror.

She's-- she's like--

she's just a person.

A person?

What a cheap shot!

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

Hey, that's ok, I understand.

You're just a little tense.

Listen, why don't I give you a shot of cognac,

you know, just sort of calm you down.

I'm on duty.

How about a shot of milk?

Ok, but just one.

Hey, freight train, I understand

you make a mean pina colada.

You got it.

Hey, gopher, I want you to meet a friend of mine--

rj.

Oh, hi, rj.

Nice to meet you.

Any friend of Isaac's is a friend of mine.

(Whispering) Do you think he recognized me?

Why not?

How about a cold drink?

How about a cold shower?

See you later.

Oh, thank you.

You got some sort of twitch?

(Whispering) It's her.

You could be arrested for what you're thinking.

Hm?

Cheryl.

Ah.

I think that cupid's arrow has pierced our purser.

[Chuckle]

I'd marry her tomorrow, but she

doesn't even know I'm alive.

Well, why don't you introduce yourself

and ask her out to dinner?

Oh.

Dinner?

Oh, I couldn't do that.

Why not?

Gopher, you're a sweet, lovable guy.

It's true, it's true.

But she's Cheryl Tyson.

I--

I don't believe you're acting like this.

Gopher, you've met royalty, congressmen,

movie stars, skiers.

You're right.

Excuse me, I don't want to keep her waiting.

Hi.

We haven't been formally introduced.

Oh, hello.

I'm Cheryl Tyson.

I-- I'm g--

I'm g--

this is our assistant purser, gopher Smith,

and he has something he'd like to ask you.

I-- i--

i--

he gets stuck sometimes.

Gopher, you have the lady's attention,

what would you like to say?

I-- I was wo-- wondering--

ah, there you are, miss Tyson.

I forgot to ask-- would you care to dine at my table

this evening?

Oh, thank you, captain.

I'd like that very much.

It's my pleasure.

Gopher, would you see to the seating arrangements, please?

Well, i--

i-- i-- aye aye, sir.

I'm sorry.

What was it you wanted to ask me, gopher?

W-- would you autograph my underwear?

Hi, dad.

Hi, big guy.

Haven't you got a table of your own?

I like the company here better.

Don't you ever take no for an answer?

No.

Hey, do you remember that pen knife you always wanted?

I found it right here in the gift shop.

Lucas: Thanks, dad.

Sherman: You're welcome.

Lucas: Wow, three blades.

Plus a knife, fork, and spoon, scissors,

screwdriver, and a corkscrew.

The works.

Thanks again.

Don't put it in your new jacket, darling.

It'll stretch the cashmere all out of shape.

Cashmere, ooh.

Just what a seven-year-old boy needs-- a cashmere jacket.

Better than a knife he could cut himself with.

Come along, Lucas, we're going to eat in the starlight grill.

Come along.

Poor kid, he's in the middle of a tug-of-war.

Yeah, and it doesn't look like there's an armistice in sight.

Good evening, Ms. Castlewood.

Good evening.

Thank you.

[Laughing]

Oh, Bertram, where do you get all those jokes?

I'm president of the Steve Martin fan club.

There you are, Ms. Castlewood.

You already know captain stubing.

Ms. Castlewood.

Captain.

And this is Mr. Bertram MacDonald.

Mr. MacDonald.

Please, call me Bertram.

And, uh-- your first name is?

Estelle.

Estelle.

I've always loved that name.

[Nervous laugh]

I thought we weren't going to see each other.

What are you doing here?

I mean, I was invited by the captain.

Well, you don't think I crashed you, do you?

Thank you.

I understand you're from Cleveland.

(Whispering) There she is.

Julie, do me a favor, please?

Mm-hmm?

Ask her to eat with me instead of the captain.

Have you lost your mind?

No.

My heart.

Look, please, just-- just put in a good word for me, you know?

Just tell her i'm, uh--

tell her I'm sexy.

Wait-- sexy?

[Laughing]

Yeah.

Sexy.

More champagne, darling?

Oh, gopher, just being alone with you

is intoxicating enough.

[Gunshots]

Get your hands off of him.

He's mine, all mine!

Get a grip on yourself, old girl.

It's over between us.

No, gopher, no.

Julie, it was great fun, but it was just one of those--

things.

No!

Gopher, you must come back to me, or I'll--

I'll do myself in.

I get so bored with women doing themselves in over me.

Shall me find a quiet place?

Do, let's.

No!

No, gopher!

Gopher, no!

No!

Gopher, I can't live without you!

Julie, you're really becoming quite a drag.

Gopher, no!

No!

No!

No!

Hello, gopher.

Could you show me where the captain's table is, please?

I sure can.

Um--

[Band playing]

[Applause]

Oh, you definitely know how to run a fun ship, captain.

Why, thank you, but I think Mr. MacDonald

deserves a lot of that credit.

He's a marvelous dancer.

Yes, I'm sure.

Oh, please excuse me.

I have promised this dance to Mrs. Malenchyk.

Oh, of course, captain.

Thank you.

[Clears throat]

Well, as they say, three's a crowd.

See you later, Bertram.

Oh, Bertram, your dancing certainly seems

to have created a sensation.

My only expertise, estelle, is behind a steering wheel.

Would you like to pretend that I'm the Rolls-Royce

and steer me around the dance floor for a while?

Is that an order?

Well, for this ride, you'll have to sit

up front with the driver.

Hey, here's your chance.

Take this drink to Cheryl.

I can't.

Come on.

Doc, I wouldn't know what to say.

Just take the drink over to her

and say something like, hello, fair beauty, here's your rum.

What have you got to lose?

Hello, fair beauty, here's your rum.

Hello, bear rooty, here's your bum.

[Laughing]

I don't think the suave approach is gonna work.

Well, it's been a wonderful evening.

To hear the way you say that, it sounds

an awful lot like strike three.

What made you think you were gonna get to first base

with me?

Well, I was hoping for a home run.

(Outraged) Home run?

Who do you think you are?

Reggie Jackson?

[Slam]

Isaac.

Isaac.

Freight train, you're just the man I wanna see.

Listen, about that promise you made about, you know,

not to tell anybody who I am?

Well, I've been thinking, man--

hey, that's ok, rj, man.

[Slap] I know where you coming from, man,

because a lot of guys in your position

would be using their fame to get things.

Right.

You know, like, uh--

the finest table in the restaurant.

Not me.

Hey, front row seats at a theater.

Not me.

Beautiful women.

Two for three's not bad.

Can't I go with you, please?

No, you've got a big day ahead of you tomorrow.

Your birthday, remember?

Hello.

[Sigh]

Have you forgotten how to knock?

I have to knock to come into my own son's room?

Well, you're turning in pretty early, aren't you?

No, not for a seven-year-old.

Almost eight.

Can't I stay up?

Dad says it's ok.

But I say it isn't, Lucas.

Thanks.

Sorry, son, I tried.

I tell you what--

tomorrow, we'll go skeet shooting, ok?

Tomorrow, he's going swimming with me.

Can't I do both?

Sure you can.

Your, uh-- mother and I will work it out.

[Sigh]

Yes, we will.

Now you go to sleep.

Good night.

Good night, son.

Good night, mom.

Good night, dad.

You really have got a nerve.

First, you come on this cruise uninvited,

and now you're trying to sabotage

my vacation with my son.

He is my son too, and I've got a right to see him.

Not on my time.

Let's face it, sherman, you and I just

don't see eye-to-eye on how to raise that child.

Sherman: That's right.

That's because you're too inflexible.

Millicent: Wrong.

You're too permissive.

Sherman: Me?

Permissive?

A cruise?

A cashmere jacket?

Millicent: Look who's talking.

Sherman: Millicent, this is getting us nowhere.

Tomorrow, you take Lucas for half a day,

and I'll take him for half a day, and that way,

we won't have to fight.

We always fight.

We've been fighting about Lucas ever since the day he was born.

Sherman: Nobody knows that better than I do.

I feel as if I've spent the last 10

years with a sparring partner.

[Crying]

[Laugh]

What was it you said?

You said that dancing was spooning set to music.

That's from a little college humor magazine.

Mm.

[Inaudible].

Dancing is the loftiest, the most moving, the most beautiful

of the arts.

It's life itself.

Oh, Bertram.

I'm astonished.

I mean, I always knew you were quite trustworthy,

but I didn't know that you also had a very special kind of wit,

and charm, and intelligence.

I-- I never realized.

Well, madam has been looking at the back of my head

for the past 20 years and has never taken the time

to find out what's in it.

I'm sorry.

It's late.

You must be tired.

May I see you to your cabin?

Thank you.

You know, it's incredible the way all those men

walk around you all the time.

I've just been hanging around in hopes of picking up a reject.

Did I throw away any keepers?

No, but a few had possibilities.

Tell me if i'm out of line, but--

I mean, you must have had dozens of marriage proposals.

How come you're still single?

Oh, I don't know.

I've met a lot of really nice men,

but I suppose I'm one of those incurable romantics,

waiting for my knight in shining armor.

[Mimicking trumpet]

Ah!

Who goes there?

He's fairer than sir Galahad.

And handsomer than Lancelot.

'Tis I, sir gopherlot.

Oh, you've finally come.

Down, boy.

Oh.

Sorry I'm late, but you know how it is--

you slay a dragon, you shine the armor.

You rescue a damsel, you shine the armor.

You fall in a moat, forget it.

Oh, boy, they can turn a prince into a frog.

You think they could make a suit of armor that keeps its shine.

Oh, gopherlot, take me away from all this,

and I'll buff you every morning.

Methinks you're swell.

Down, boy.

Oh, oh, oh.

Don't worry about him.

He's a rental.

All right, let's go.

[Mimicking trumpet]

He's, uh-- interesting.

Well, have a wonderful evening.

Well, won't you come in for a nightcap?

I mean, we seem to have a great deal to talk about.

Thank you, but I don't really think that's a very good idea.

Oh, are you afraid of talking, or are you afraid

of what it might lead to?

Madam, um--

estelle.

Oh, Bertram, this isn't a request.

It's an order.

Madam, there are some thing's one cannot order.

Good night.

[Music playing]

Uh, excuse me, could I talk to you for a minute, please?

[Click]

Go.

It's about last night.

I know you were just joking, but what you said really is true--

I mean, you know, home runs and candy bars.

I mean, I really am Reggie Jackson.

I mean--

sure you are, baby, and I'm Diana Ross.

(Singing) Ease on down, ease on down the road.

Ease on down, ease on down the road.

[Knock on door]

Hi.

Oh.

I knocked.

Is Lucas up?

No, he's not.

Come back later, ok?

On his birthday?

I can't let him sleep it away.

Oh, for Pete's sake.

(Singing) Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday-- he's gone.

But it's his birthday.

Hey, mushy, you missed a spot.

Good morning, estelle.

Bertram, about last night--

yes, I've been thinking about that too.

Yes, well, please, I would like

to apologize for any embarrassment

I may have caused you.

No, no, I'm the one who should apologize.

What happened last night was--

unfortunate.

What didn't happen you mean, don't you?

[Awkward chuckle]

Perhaps we should see less of each other

for the remainder of the cruise.

And I would suggest not at all, either on the ship or off.

I would be grateful, madam, if you

would accept my resignation.

[Gasp]

Hey, Lucas, how you doing?

Fine.

You want a glass of orange juice?

Sure.

Here.

Hey, I almost forgot--

today's your birthday, right?

Eight years old.

Big deal.

Hey, you should be happy on your birthday.

Were you?

Well, to tell you the truth, I never

really had an eighth birthday.

I was so smart, they skipped me from seven to nine.

Hey, you look like you've been working out.

Yeah, but it hasn't been doing me any good, man.

What do you mean?

Nobody on the boat seems to be recognizing me.

Well, hey, man, I thought that was what you wanted.

Well, it was, but that was before I struck

out twice with the same lady.

Ooh.

Look, you gotta do me a favor--

tell the people on the boat who I am.

All right, and I know just where to start.

See my friend over there?

His name is Lucas, and his parents just split up,

and he's taking it kind of hard.

Say no more.

I got it covered.

Hi.

Hi.

Lucas, I want you to meet a friend of mine--

Reggie Jackson.

(Unenthusiastically) Oh, hi.

I thought I recognized you.

Must be a Pete Rose fan, huh?

Wanna talk about it?

No.

I understand.

I struck out five times in a row once,

and I didn't wanna talk to anybody.

But you know, it seems like if you don't talk about it,

the problem just seems to get worse.

This is different.

My parents broke up because of me.

What makes you think that?

Lucas: I heard them.

Did you talk to them about it?

Nah, they don't care.

You know, if the catcher doesn't

give the pitcher the signal, then the pitcher

doesn't know where to throw.

Yeah, in other words, if you don't

tell your parents how you feel, how are they

gonna know you have a problem?

It'll just make things worse.

It might make things better.

You see, a family's like a team, and every guy on a team

has to trust the other guy.

And if you trust your folks, then they'll listen.

I'm afraid.

Sometimes, I'm afraid too.

Sometimes, I think everybody's afraid.

But that's not the important thing.

The important thing is how you handle it.

Yeah, I guess so.

You know so.

Reggie says it's so.

Say, here come your folks.

The game's over there.

Don't just sit down on the bench.

I'm gonna tell them.

Go get 'em, tiger.

Hey.

Oh, happy birthday, sweetheart.

We've been looking all over for you.

Yeah, happy birthday, son.

You should see the presents you have to open.

I don't want any presents.

I want to talk.

What's the matter, Lucas?

I'm sorry.

It's my fault that you don't get along.

It's my fault you broke up.

If I wasn't here, you two would be together.

Oh, no, no, that's not true.

I heard you last night.

It's my fault.

Lucas, you're wrong.

You're absolutely wrong.

Um-- in fact, your mom and I are getting back together again.

You are?

Oh, boy!

Wow!

Wait till I tell Isaac and Reggie!

What in the world made you say that?

I don't know.

He looked so sad, it just popped out.

Besides, to be perfectly honest with you,

the main reason I came aboard is, uh--

well, I was hoping that the two of us could, uh--

you know-- get back together again.

For Lucas' sake?

That wouldn't do him or me any good.

I didn't say Lucas was the reason.

As always, I'm the last person to know your plans.

I remember when you thought we should get a divorce,

you first went to Lucas to see how he would take it,

and then you discussed with me.

Oh, Millicent.

Sherman, it's my life you're playing with,

and maybe, just maybe, what you've decided

is not what I want.

Now you came on this cruise uninvited,

and you've made a complete shambles of if for everyone.

I really think it would be better if you left.

When we dock in acapulco tonight,

you'd better just fly home.

Is that what you want?

Yes, that's what I want.

Fine.

Fine.

What about telling Lucas?

I'll take care of it.

As usual, I'll do your dirty work.

Here's to you and your crew, captain.

I'm having a wonderful time.

Thank you, Cheryl.

Hi.

Hello, gopher.

Have a seat.

Thank you.

Comfortable, gopher?

Yes, sir.

Sir? Sir!

I'm sorry!

I didn't-- I didn't see you there.

I'm sorry.

I meant-- uh--

I'll see you all later.

Sorry.

Everything ok here?

Ok.

Doc, what's the matter with him?

Oh, that's easy.

He's in love with this lady.

Why don't you give the poor kid a break

and have dinner with him?

I'd love to.

But he hasn't asked me.

I think you'll have to ask him.

Anything to keep him off my lap.

[Laughing]

You people are terrific.

You really care about each other.

Oh, sure.

I turn my back, and they steal my girl.

(Russian accent) Don't worry, my pretty.

We have ways to make you talk.

[Bubbling]

And don't think your friend, that English spy,

will save you.

[Splashing]

[Flopping]

00-gopher has never let me down.

Have you, dearest?

Well, well, well.

Flounder lips.

[Hiss]

I'm sorry we can't stay for tea, but I did

remember to send you flowers.

No!

[Explosion]

The old poison gas in the white carnation trick.

Again.

It's a good trick.

It always works.

Now, where were we?

Promise me you'll never leave me again.

I won't-- hmph!

Cheryl (voiceover): Promise me you'll never leave me again.

I won't.

I won't.

But why won't you have dinner with me?

Dinner with you?

Mm.

Fantastic.

You bet.

I'm-- I'm gonna go change.

Hello, captain.

Good evening.

Say!

I know who you are.

You're Isaac's friend from Oakland.

Right, Reggie Jackson.

Oh.

Well, you certainly have a famous name.

I bet you take a lot of ribbing about that, hm?

Reggie Jackson.

Chef Armand.

Please.

Armand, hi.

Gopher.

Smith.

Uh, listen, Armand, i'm having dinner tonight

with the most beautiful girl in the world,

and I need your help.

Now I thought we'd start with the champagne and caviar.

Of course imported.

What do you recommend for a main course?

Beef Wellington?

Perfect.

Now about how much will that come to?

Uh-huh.

Uh, tell you what, Armand, we'll just go with the champagne

and caviar, ok?

Ok.

Armand, throw in a couple bags of potato chips, will you?

Good evening, Mr. MacDonald.

Oh, hello, Mrs. [inaudible].

Would you care to rent me a small part of your view?

Please, be my guest.

Have this one on me.

Thank you.

Bertram: It's beautiful, isn't it?

You know, I've always been mesmerized by the ocean.

It's awesome, serene, soothing, restless.

Almost like people.

Yes, yes, it's true.

Just look at that sky.

It's as if god flipped a switch, and a huge beacon

came on, and all the little lights, one

by one, as if they're on a timer.

You're quite a romantic, Mr. MacDonald.

When romance is gone, so is life.

Yes.

My father used to tell me if I made

a wish on the first star I saw at night,

my wish would come true.

Well, fathers never tell lies to their little girls.

Star light, star bright, first star I've seen tonight--

may I join you?

Thank you, Mr. MacDonald.

If my wish comes true, I'll buy you a whole sky all your own.

And if my wish comes true, I'll have it already.

Announcer: First-seating dinner is now being served

in the coral dining room.

So I've made all the preparations--

champagne dinner for two served in my cabin.

And guess who's gonna be sharing it with me?

No thank you, but I'm really not hungry.

[Playing piano]

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to dedicate

this song to the lovely model and cover

girl, miss Cheryl Tyson.

(Singing) Dream girl, gotta get you into my life.

I love people with musical talent.

It really does something for me.

[Cheering]

Thank you.

Thank you all for coming.

I love every one of you.

Crowd: (Chanting) Gopher!

Gopher!

Gopher!

I'd like to dedicate this song to a special someone.

You know who you are.

All right!

1, 2, 3, 4.

[Band playing]

[Screaming]

(Singing) Dream girl, gotta-- gotta--

gotta get you in my life.

Gotta get you in my life.

Dream girl, gotta-- gotta-- gotta get you in my life.

Gotta get you in my life.

Dream girl, dream girl, gotta get you in my life.

Gotta-- gotta-- gotta-- gotta-- gotta get you,

get you, get you.

Gotta-- gotta-- gotta-- gotta-- gotta get you,

get you, get you.

Gotta-- gotta-- gotta-- gotta-- gotta get you,

get you, get you.

Gotta get you into my life.

Watch out.

[Guitar solo]

[Screaming]

Dream girl.

Dream girl.

Dream girl.

Gotta-- gotta-- gotta-- gotta get you, get you, get you.

Oh!

[Vocalizing]

Doc: Gopher.

Gopher.

Oh, please, please.

Don't put me on a pedestal.

What?

Where's Cheryl?

She's over there, talking to Isaac.

Play it again, Isaac.

[Laughs]

I saw that movie.

Hey, what's the matter with you, anyway?

Doc, this is never gonna work out.

She's beautiful, and she's famous,

and she can have anybody she wants.

Well, she must want you.

You have a date with her.

Oh, it's a mercy date.

Look, do her and me a favor, ok?

Just tell her the dinner's off.

She'll understand.

Announcer: All visitors ashore, please.

The ship will sail in 30 minutes.

[Knock on door]

May I come in?

Of course.

How did Lucas take the news?

I haven't told him yet.

Um-- I'm sorry about today, the way I acted, the things I said.

No, that's ok.

I guess we both made our share of mistakes.

I was angry.

I meant what I said this morning.

I'd like to try again.

[Sigh]

If we do, things will have to be different.

They would be.

No more ducking confrontations, no more--

no more using Lucas as a way out.

Right, right, we-- we'll both have to make changes.

You know, darling, you--

you have been pretty inflexible.

Inflexible?

Mm-hmm.

Well, I'm here, aren't I?

Swallowing my pride.

Pride?

Is that all this means to you?

Your pride?

Well, what do you want me to do?

I mean, throw myself at your feet and say, "I love you,

sherman"?

It wouldn't be a bad start.

Well, when you earn it, you will hear it.

If you'll excuse me, I have to finish packing.

I-- I feel like Reggie Jackson.

I talk-- my voice is like Reggie Jackson.

I hit home runs like Reggie Jackson.

(Yelling) I am Reggie Jackson!

I am Reggie Jackson!

I know.

I know.

You told me earlier.

You know, it's too bad you don't look

like the real Reggie Jackson.

You'd be the most popular guy on the ship.

[Laugh]

Hey, ca-- but--

Oh, captain.

Oh, yes, Mr. MacDonald, something I can do?

I was looking for Mrs. Castlewood.

Did she dine earlier?

Oh, no, no.

She called to tell me she wouldn't be joining us.

She lost her appetite.

Oh.

It can't be our cuisine.

Must be your jokes.

[Chuckle]

I wonder where daddy is.

I don't know, darling.

Now what are we going to have to eat?

[Grunting]

Happy birthday, Lucas.

Yeah, hope you enjoy the gift.

[Grunt]

Heavy, man.

Remind me to get you a joke book for your birthday.

Thanks.

You guys are really neat.

But can I wait to open it till my father gets here?

Well, sure.

And if you already have a sled, you can exchange it.

Remind me to loan you my joke book.

Maybe I oughta call dad.

Lucas--

maybe he took a nap or overslept.

No, sweetheart, he-- he didn't take a nap.

He's ok, isn't he?

Oh, yes, yes, he's fine.

Lucas, today, when your father said that, uh--

we were getting back together?

Well--

[sigh]

You're-- you're not getting back together.

No.

I think he left the ship.

Lucas.

- Daddy! - Lucas!

I thought you left.

You thought?

Oh, you thought wrong.

Hello.

Do you mind if we join you for dinner?

Wow, what more could a girl ask

for than to have dinner with the two men she loves the most?

Sherman, i--

Millie, I love you.

I love you both.

Estelle.

I hear you're not very well.

Is there anything I can do?

Yes.

Leave me alone.

Well, not till you've listened to what I've got to say.

All right, I'm listening.

Well, I'm afraid, uh--

we behaved rather foolishly last night.

Did we?

I mean, it was foolish to think that

something romantic could happen in an employer-employee

relationship.

Really?

Yes.

So now that we've eliminated the employer-employee

relationship--

Bertram, what are you suggesting?

I'm not, um--

I'm not putting all this very well, am I?

Estelle, would it offend you if I told you that I loved you?

I love you very much.

You do?

You love me?

Yes.

I'm afraid it's been going on for some time, almost 20 years

to be exact.

What took you so long?

Well, it hasn't exactly been easy.

I've seen you through two atrocious marriages,

I mean, one oaf, one ingrate.

They were awful.

Yes, they were.

You are much too good for either of them.

Good riddance is all I can say.

And another thing--

I love you too.

I think I always have.

I just never did believe it.

Well, that does put a whole new complexion on things,

doesn't it?

And, uh--

do shut up and kiss me.

Is that an order?

Oh, no, just a very earnest request.

Bertram.

Well, it has been 20 years, hasn't it?

Now, will you kindly follow me to my cabin?

Is that an order?

Definitely, madam, definitely.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, a reminder--

due to the big party on the lido deck tonight,

there will be no dancing in the acapulco lounge.

Here's looking at you, Cheryl.

[Mumble]

I can't understand a word you're saying.

I said, "maybe next time, kid."

Oh, Rick--

gopher.

Right.

Oh, gopher, I tried to stay away.

I loved you so much.

I still love you.

It's no good, baby.

You're famous, and I'm not.

If you gave all that up for me, you'll regret it.

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon,

for the rest of your life.

So dinner's off.

Goodbye, Rick.

Gopher.

Goodbye, gopher.

If you want, just whistle.

Here's looking at you, kid.

Is that all you're going to do, gopher?

Look?

Ah, Cheryl.

Doc gave me your message that dinner was off.

Um, yeah.

Honestly, gopher, you could break a girl's heart.

Me?

Break your heart?

Why not?

Well, because you're--

you're--

Cheryl Tyson.

Famous model.

And you're gopher Smith.

Clumsy idiot.

Don't be silly.

It's charming to see such unabashed affection.

I like you.

I'd like to spend some time alone with you.

You would?

Yes.

Will you dance with me?

[Gopher scatting]

[Cheryl humming]

[Humming together]

Bye, captain.

Goodbye.

Thank you for a most enjoyable cruise.

Oh, yes, indeed.

Seeing you two together, well, it's almost as if you've

known each other for years.

Almost.

I can truthfully say that all other men

take a backseat to Bertram.

- Goodbye. - Bye.

Goodbye.

[Screaming]

Oh, excuse me.

I think I see a friend over there.

Excuse me.

Reggie!

Hey!

You're not gonna leave without saying goodbye to me, are you?

- Nah. - I hope not.

I'm glad everything worked out for you.

Yeah.

Thanks, Reggie.

Thanks, Isaac.

Glad we could help.

Remember the time when you told me you skipped

right from seven to nine?

Yeah.

You missed the best year.

All right.

I gotta go now.

See you in the world series.

Ok.

Remember when you struck out five times straight?

Mm-hmm.

I had the same problem once in little league,

but I figured if you stick your foot in a bucket,

kinda tuck this elbow in here, you got it licked.

Think about it.

Get outta here.

That's my friend, Reggie Jackson.

He said I can become a star ballplayer

like him if I work real hard.

[Chuckle]

Really?

I'm not afraid of hard work.

Me neither.

Come on, let's go.

Let's go.

If you ever get to the big apple, you stay at my place.

All right.

And if you play your cards right, I got a little pull,

you know, I might be able to get you some tickets

to a game in the front row.

Solid.

See you.

Isaac: Ok.

Hey.

That wasn't who I thought it was, was it?

Is, was, and always will be.

Imagine that.

I was on the same ship as oj Simpson.

Hey. You weren't gonna leave here without me, were you?

Depends.

Wanna go to the ballpark with me?

There's nothing happening at the ballpark this time of year.

We're not there yet.

Well, my darling, shall we go?

Yes.

I don't think this is going to work.

Perhaps you're right.

Well, I think we're quite ready to go home now, madam.

Oh, Bertram, not quite.

Now I think we're quite ready to go home.

[Laugh]

Julie: Thank you for sailing with us.

Captain: Come see us again.

Bye bye.

Well, I'm glad to see that the two of you

finally got together.

Was there ever any doubt?

[Laugh]

Take good care of our purser.

We need him back in two days.

I will.

Right, well, I guess we're ready to go.

Did you call a cab?

I thought you were going to call a cab.

Me?

Well, here's another fine mess you've gotten us into.

(Stan Laurel impression) Well, I didn't know.

I thought that you were--

I thought that you--

[blubbering]

(Oliver Hardy impression) Of course you didn't know.

I have to take care of everything.

Hmph.

I'm sorry, Ollie.

It won't happen again.

Hmph.

After you.

After you.

Together: Hmph.

Hmph.

Those two are very strange together.

Hm, a perfect match.

Together: Hmph.

[Laugh]

[Theme music]