Original subtitles

Love,

exciting and new.

Come aboard,

we're expecting you.

Love,

life's sweetest reward.

Let it flow,

it floats back to you.

The love boat,

soon we'll be making another run.

The love boat,

promises something for everyone.

Set a course for adventure,

your mind on a new romance.

And love,

won't hurt anymore.

It's an open smile,

on a friendly shore.

It's love.

Welcome aboard it's love.

Excuse me please.

Gopher: Hi.

Welcome aboard.

Passenger: Hi.

Gopher: Julie, have they got here yet?

Julie: No, but believe me, I'm on the lookout.

Mrs. and Mrs. Phil Livingston, palm Springs, California, right?

Gopher: Yeah.

You know it's been about four years since I've seen Phil.

Julie: Really?

Gopher: Did I tell you we went to....

Julie: Hotel management school together.

Gopher: I told you.

Julie: Just a lucky guess.

Gopher: Boy, what a great guy...And has he made it.

Julie: Well, you're making it too.

Gopher: Yeah, but he just bought a big, beautiful hotel in Arizona.

Julie: One little hotel.

Gopher: Married a gorgeous society girl.

Julie: Well, you could marry one too.

Gopher: And he's a millionaire.

Julie: Now you're talking.

Has he got a brother?

Captain: Gopher!

Gopher: Ah...yes, sir.

Captain: I want to talk to you.

Gopher: Ah, is it about my idea?

Captain: Which idea?

Every time I open my suggestion box, it's stuffed full of your ideas...

"For passengers that don't smoke, let's make the top deck of the ship a non-smoking section." That's ridiculous.

Gopher: They do it on airlines.

Captain: You convinced me, gopher.

I'll use this the moment we set sail...For confetti.

Phil: Gopher!!!

Gopher: Phil!!!

Phil: Gopher, I'd like you to meet my wife, melody.

Melody, this is gopher.

Melody: Oh, I've heard so many super things about you.

Gopher: Ah, you must have been talking to my mom.

And I saw your picture in the society page.

But it sure doesn't do you justice.

Phil: Gopher, you always know the diplomatic thing to say.

Now what did I tell you?

Melody: I think he'd be absolutely perfect.

Gopher: Perfect for what?

Phil: It's a surprise.

We'll tell you later.

Melody: Why not ask him now?

Gopher: Ask me what?

What?

Phil: Honey, whose idea was this?

Gopher: What idea?

Melody: It was yours, darling, but I...

Phil: Look, let me handle it my way.

We'll spring it on him at dinner.

Gopher, we'll see you later.

Gopher: Oh, no.

Spring what?

Phil, wait a minute, you can't just leave me in suspense like this.

I guess they can.

Maggie: Hello.

May I help you?

Maggie: I'm Maggie Walsh.

I work with Ken breyer, the magician.

Julie: Oh, yes, of course.

How nice to meet you.

My name's Julie McCoy.

I'm the cruise director.

Maggie: Hi.

Julie: Wow.

It must really be fun working with a magician.

Maggie: Oh, it's more than fun...

I mean, it's terrific.

He's terrific.

I mean, well...We're...I don't know how to say this.

Julie: I think I get the picture.

Well, miss Walsh, you and breyer have adjoining cabins on the aloha deck.

Cabin two-seventy-two and two-seventy-four.

He hasn't checked in yet.

Maggie: Well, I'd better get these things unpacked.

See you later.

Julie: Bye.

Doc: A winner.

Julie: Sorry, she's spoken for.

That's the magician's assistant.

Doc: Oh...

Maybe I can make him disappear.

Al: The great breyer, at your service.

Julie: Oh, our magician.

Let's see.

Ken breyer.

Yes.

You're on the aloha deck.

Two-seven-two.

Al: I'm al breyer.

Ken had an emergency and he asked me to sub for him.

Julie: Well, I hope your brother's okay.

Al: Oh, he's fine.

Don't worry about him.

His emergency was a girl in las Vegas.

Julie: Oh...

Now you are a magician?

Al: Oh, yes.

I'm...I'm a very fine magician.

Julie: Oh, well, that's terrific.

Well, can you pull a rabbit out of your hat?

Al: Well...i could try...Some hats.

Julie: No...no...oh.

Al: No, I'm sorry.

Not this hat.......

All right.

Come on......

Why don't you go find yourself some nice statue?

Julie: That's terrific.

Al: Oh, wait...Wait...Wait...

Julie: Well, thank you...

Well, we were expecting your brother, and....So was a miss Maggie Walsh.

Al: Oh....ken's assistant, right?

Julie: Yeah.

Al: Oh, well, she'll have no trouble learning my act.

Julie: Well, I think she's more interested in your brother's act.

Al: Ahhh...

Well then, don't you bother yourself.

I'll smooth things out with Maggie.

Julie: Well, if you can do that, that'll be one of your better tricks.

Al: I know.

I'll see you later.

Julie: Captain, are we having our purser's lobby redecorated?

Captain: No, I'm afraid we're having our lives redecorated.

By Mrs. Waterhouse.

Julie: Mrs. Waterhouse is taking another cruise.

Oh...

But why the furniture?

Captain: Mrs. Waterhouse is moving in.

Julie: Moving in?

Captain: Hm-hm.

She sold her home and booked passage with us for the next five years.

Julie: Oh....

Hetty: Watch out for that clock, dearies.

Grandfather belonged to my grandmother...

Or was it the other way around?

Captain: Welcome aboard, Mrs. Waterhouse.

Hetty: Not welcome aboard, captain stubing.

Welcome home.

Isn't it wonderful, Julie?

Julie: Yes.....wonderful.

Hetty: Oh, I'm so excited and I've got marvelous plans for everybody on the crew.

Captain: Now I must remind you that my crew is here to work, Mrs. waterhouse.

Hetty: Oh, now come now.

Don't be an old fuddy-duddy, merrill.

We're gonna be like one big family.

Ah, I can't wait to get my things in my cabin.

Julie: Well, let me go get you a steward to help.

Hetty: Ah, darling, do you remember the one I had last time?

The old grouch with the long face who never cracked a smile?

Julie: Charles Fletcher.

Now he is assigned to your deck, but I'll try to switch him.

Hetty: Oh, no, no, no.

I don't want to cause any problems.

Tata...

Julie: Bye bye.

Charlie: Move furniture...Hang chandeliers...Do this...Do that.

Hetty: Stop grousing.

I swear if you'd smiled once i'd pass out cold.

Come in.

Julie: Happy housewarming.

Isaac: Welcome back, Mrs. Waterhouse.

Doc: Welcome.

Julie: There you go.

Hetty: Oh, my gosh...

Gee, it's good to see you guys.

It's been kinda lonely the last two years.

I mean...You know, sitting by myself in that big house.

But I'm back with friends again....A whole new family.

People I can do things for.

Isaac: Oh, you don't have to do anything for us, Mrs. waterhouse.

Hetty: Oh, yes I do.

I've got projects for everybody.

Doc, I'm gonna get you married off.

Doc: Well, I've already been married off...And on, and off, and on and off.

Hetty: No, no, no.

This time for keeps.

Doc: Hetty, are you proposing, you rascal.

Hetty: Ah, cut that out.

I'm too young for you.

Isaac...i have a project for you.

Isaac: You still want to make me an actor.

Hetty: Well, I mean...Look at this face.

Doesn't that belong on the screen.

Isaac: That's not gonna be easy, 'cause the rest of me is staying on the ship.

Hetty: Julie, don't think I've forgotten you.

I have a project for you, too.

You're gonna have a wonderful career at sea.

Julie: Well, Mrs. Waterhouse, I already have a great career at sea.

Hetty: No, no, what I mean is...You are going to be the first female captain of a cruise ship.

Julie: Oh, is that all?

Mmm...

Doc: Oh, great.

You're gonna make Julie a captain, Isaac a movie star, and me...Miserable.

Isaac: Don't you have any plans for Charlie?

Hetty: Ahh no, no, Charlie...

No...

Don't be silly.

Doc: Come on, Hetty.

You must have something in mind for Charlie.

Julie: Yeah.

Hetty: That's the trouble with you people on board ship.

You don't know how to mind your own business.

All: Bye...bye...

Hetty: All right.

Everybody out...Out.

I should have brought the piano.

Maggie: Oh, Ken, I was getting worried about you...

Oh.

Al: Hi.

I'm al...Ken's brother...

Maggie, right?

Maggie: Yes.

Hi.

Where's Ken?

Al: Ah, he's not here.

He couldn't make it.

Maggie: Nothing's wrong, is there?

I mean, he's all right?

Al: Ah, yeah...Yeah.

He's fine.

He...had to go to Vegas.

Maggie: It's another girl, isn't it?

Al: Of course not.

Maggie: You don't have to cover for him.

Al: Hey look...

I don't know anything about it, but if you're worried about the act, don't be.

Ken taught me everything I know.

Maggie: For your sake, I hope he taught you how to work alone.

Al: Thanks a lot, brother.

Gopher: Oh...hey...

Okay, you two.

I can't wait until tonight.

What's the big secret?

Melody: Go on.

Tell him before he dies of suspense.

Phil: Okay...

Gopher...how'd you like to be in the hotel business?

Gopher: Never mind that, what's the secret?

Melody: That's it.

Phil wants you to manage his new hotel.

Gopher: Me?

Manage a hotel?

You're putting me on.

Phil: You're just the kind of guy i'm looking for.

Now, gopher, what do you say?

Gopher: Well....

I'm...i'm...i think I'm getting a speech impediment.

Melody: It's a gorgeous hotel.

Two swimming pools.

A professional golf course.

We're even putting in a health club.

Phil: Oh, forget the health club, honey.

I thought it over.

It's not that practical.

Melody: But you loved the idea when I came up with it.

Phil: Well, we'll keep it on the back burner.

Now what do you say, gopher?

Gopher: Well, Phil, gee, I'm really flattered, but...Well, this ship is home to me.

I mean...The crew's like a family to me.

Phil: Whatever you're getting, I'll double your salary.

Gopher: Who needs family when you have rich friends?

Melody: Then you'll take the job?

Gopher: Well...

Please, it's a big decision for me.

Can I have some time to think it over?

Phil: Sure, kid.

Could you let me know in the morning.

Captain: Gopher!

Gopher: Maybe sooner.

Hetty: Now look at all these lovelies.

Don't tell me we can't find you a wife in this lot.

Doc: Ah, not one of them can compare to you.

After they made you they broke the mold.

Hetty: That's true...

What about her?

Doc: I think before they made her they broke the mold.

Hetty: You are terrible.

But I'm not giving up.

Isaac, you are slouching.

Would Robert redford or Sidney poitier slouch that way?

Isaac: Well, they would if they were on their feet serving drinks all day.

Hetty: Oh...excuse me...

There you are, Charlie.

Hey, we just have enough time for a game of shuffleboard.

Charlie: I have my work to do.

Hetty: Oh, you can do that later.

Come on.

Now just take the stick and hit the disc.

Charlie: Take the stick...Hit the disc...Do this...Do that.

Hetty: Go on, go on.

Captain: Mr. Fletcher...Don't you have duties?

Charlie: Yes, sir...

Now look what you've done.

Hetty: Merrill stubing...You're an old spoilsport.

Julie: Good evening ladies and gentlemen.

Tonight to baffle and to dazzle you, the Princess proudly presents the great breyer.

Al: Here we have...Your basic, simple little dove.....

Actually, this dove is not that simple.

It's got a degree from u.C.L.A.....

Okay, we will put our educated dove in the box, like so....

Oh, please let this thing work.

I don't want it to come off like a complete fool ...

All right, here we go!......

Thank you...

Well, nobody said the great breyer was perfect.

But then again maybe he is perfect.

Julie: Unbelievable.

Hetty: Charlie...

Charlie...

Charlie: Uh-oh, here comes trouble.

Hetty: Charlie, it is not fair for you to still be working at this hour.

Now come on, let's go dancing.

Charlie: No, I'm not allowed to dance with the passengers.

Hetty: But you do want to dance with me, right?

Charlie: I didn't say that.

Hetty: Put down that tray...And we'll dance right here.

Charlie: Get rid of the tray...Dance...Do this...Do that...

Hetty: Now...this isn't so bad, is it?

Charlie: Now, Mrs. Waterhouse...

Hetty: Hetty...hetty.

Isaac: Charlie...charlie.

Listen, the people in promenade three-fifty-two are complaining.

You were supposed to deliver their drinks twenty minutes ago.

Charlie: I'm sorry.

I'm coming...

You did it again.

Hetty: They are not the only passengers on this ship...

Mr. Fletcher was looking after me.

Isaac: I'll say he was.

Al: For my next feat, ladies and gentlemen...I'm gonna need some help from the audience.

My assistant isn't feeling well, so I would like to ask for...Some help from a young lady in the audience.

Miss McCoy, would you be so kind?

Julie: No.

Captain: Come on, miss McCoy, be a sport.

Julie: Yes, sir.

Al: Miss McCoy, thank you very much...

How tall are you?

Julie: I'm about five-foot six.

Al: Five-foot six.

How would you like to be two-foot nine and two-foot nine?....

That's right, it's the old sawing the pretty young girl in half trick.

Julie: Oh, no...

No...

Al: Actually, this is how I lost my last assistant.

Well, really I lost only the bottom half.....

Miss McCoy, if you would just climb in here we'll try it again...

Al: ...Maybe this time we'll get it right......

Julie: Hey, maybe we could do this some other time...Like say next February.

Al: Why February?

Julie: Oh, that's when I'll be away on vacation.

Al: All right, just lean on me...

Are you comfortable?

Julie: Ah, sure.

Al: Good.

Julie: Oh.......

Al: All right, miss McCoy...Take one deep breath.

This is only gonna hurt for a second....

Julie: Ow!!

Al: Eeeeyah...

Julie: Ah!!!

Al: Just one more....

Julie: Oh...oh...

Al: I hope I didn't make any silly mistakes.....

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Well, that's it for tonight, folks.

I hope you enjoyed the show.

The bar is open and the dance floor is empty, so have a good time.

Julie: Oh...well, wait...

Wait...

What about me?

You can't leave me here!

Wait.

Come on.....

That's not funny.

Julie: I can't believe you guys left me there in two pieces.

Doc: How can you think twice about it?

Manage a hotel.

If it was me, I'd already be interviewing chamber maids.

Julie: Really, gopher, it's not that we aren't going to miss you, but...

Well, how can you let an opportunity like this pass by?

Gopher: Well, one thing's for sure...The captain isn't gonna miss me.

Julie: Hey, now there you're wrong.

The captain thinks you're one in a million.

Captain: Well, I just read your latest suggestion...

"To save electricity, let's turn off the ship's lights at midnight."

Now tell me, gopher, how are the passengers supposed to find their way back to their own cabins?

Gopher: They don't anyway.

Captain: Who would think that on such a tiny piece of paper one could get so much nonsense?

Gopher, you're one in a million.

Doc: See?

Maggie: May I sit down?

If you tell me to get lost I'll understand.

Al: Oh, no...Please...

Maggie: Thanks......i caught your act.

You're very good.

Al: Thank you...

I'm not my brother, but...I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring up a sore subject.

Maggie: That's all right.

I've cried him out of my system....Practically.

Al: Well, good.

You're too nice for him anyway.

Maggie: You're pretty nice yourself...

Listen, if you'd like, I'd be happy to work the act for the rest of the cruise.

Al: Oh...I'd like that a lot.

Maggie: You're really very good.

Much funnier than Ken.

Al: That's the first time anybody's ever said that I was better than Ken at anything.

Captain: Come in.

Gopher: Ah...captain stubing, good evening, sir...

Sir...

I wanted to discuss...

Captain: I hope this isn't another one of your hair brained ideas, gopher.

Gopher: Sir, this isn't an idea.

Captain: Neither were any of the others.

Gopher: Sir, this concerns my professional future.

Captain: Your professional future, gopher,

would be more secure if you spent more time working and less time stuffing the suggestion box.

Gopher: Well, if that's the way you feel, sir, then why did you put up the suggestion box?

Captain: That's the best suggestion you've made yet.

Take it down.

Gopher: Take it down yourself, sir!

I quit!!!

Captain: What's eating him?

Hetty: Oh, hi, Charlie.

I'm glad you could get here.

Charlie: Well, when you called you said it was something important.

Hetty: Yeah.

Come on in.....

Sit down, huh?

I want to apologize for last night.

I didn't mean to get you in any trouble.

Charlie: Well, you did.

If the captain catches me out of line again...

I'll be swinging like that chandelier.

Hetty: Well, I like that.

It has character...

Maybe that's why I like you.

Charlie: You do?

Hetty: Oh, come on, Charlie.

Don't play games with me.

You know I do......

Maybe you could say you like me a little bit, too.

I mean, if you really do.

Charlie: Well, I...I guess I do...

Sort of....

Hetty: Do you really, Charlie?

Charlie: I just said so, didn't I?

Hetty: Hetty...

Charlie: Hetty....

Hetty: You know...I still have a rain check to cash.

Charlie: What rain check?

Hetty: For my interrupted dance last night.

Charlie: Well, you can't dance here.

There's no room.

Hetty: And there's no captain stubing either.

Melody: Gopher's so nice.

I sure hope he's gonna take the job.

Phil: Well, we'll soon find out.

Good morning, gopher.

Gopher: Oh, good morning....Boss....

Mrs. Boss.

Phil: Good career move, buddy boy.

You won't regret it.

Melody: As the saying goes, gopher...

We're glad to have you aboard.

Gopher: Hey, that's no way to talk to a land lover.

Captain: Gopher, could I have a word with you please?

Gopher: Well, I really don't see the point in it, sir.

Captain: Oh, I'm sorry.

I was hoping you might have a change of heart.

Gopher: No, sir...

Change of employers.

These are the Livingstons.

Captain: Oh?

Gopher: I'm gonna manage their new hotel.

Captain: Oh...a better job.

Now that makes sense.

You know for a minute I thought you were leaving because of me.

I certainly wouldn't hold you back, gopher.

Congratulations.

I wish you all the best.

Congratulations to all of you.

Phil: Well, I better go now.

I have to call the contractor for the tennis courts.

Melody: Oh, be sure and remind him about the lighting, darling...For the night tennis.

Gopher: Night tennis?

That's great.

Melody: Oh, it was an idea I had.

Phil: Oh, I forgot to tell you.

I decided against it.

Melody: Oh?

Phil: Ah, look, I'll be right back.

Gopher: Well, it was still a good thought.

Melody: You really think so?

Gopher: Sure.

And as manager of the new hotel, I can use all the ideas I can get.

You got any others?

Melody: With a little encouragement...I could get a lot of ideas.

Hetty: All right now don't ask questions.

If you want to be a star, just put those in your mouth.

Now you say...Susie sews shirts for soldiers.

Isaac: Susie sews shirts for soldiers.

Hetty: Ah, well, we're gonna have to work on that diction a little.

Captain: Good morning, Mrs. Waterhouse.

Isaac.

Hetty: Morning, merrill.

Captain: Charlie, now look, I'm gonna need some extra chairs and

tables on the lido deck for the magician's act.

Charlie: Yes, sir..........Hetty...Crew afterdeck at sunset.

I'll bring a picnic.

Captain: Mmm...charlie...charlie...mrs.

Waterhouse...did you see where Charlie went?

Hetty: Merrill, I don't have time to keep my eye on your crew for you.

I mean, don't you do anything?

Julie: Ladies and gentlemen, once again the Princess proudly presents the great breyer.

Al: Thank you.

Thank you all very much.

First I would like to introduce my beautiful assistant, Maggie, who I'm happy to say is back on the job...

And now for a death-defying escape previously attempted by only a handful of magicians...

May they rest in peace.....

Maggie, would you please show the audience that the chains are solid and the locks are bolted.....

I will now step into the bag...Which will be locked and bolted.

Maggie: This is Ken's trick.

Are you sure you've done it before?

Al: Dozens of times...But this is the first time under water.

Maggie: Oh.

Al: If I'm late for dinner...Start without me.

Bye now.

Doc: I don't know why, but suddenly I'm reminded of my second marriage.

Julie: How long can he survive?

Doc: I had to get a divorce after three weeks.

Gopher: How long can he stay under?

Julie: Sir, the bubbles have stopped.

Captain: Maybe we should do something.

Doc, how long can someone hold their breath?

Doc: I hope it's longer than this.

Al: What are you doing in there?

Maggie: Rescuing you.

Al: Oh......

Well haven't you ever heard of mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?

Hetty: Are you sure it's safe for you up here, Charlie?

Charlie: Well...sometimes there're more important things than being safe.

Hetty: That's a very sweet sentiment, Charlie.

Don't be embarrassed.

Charlie: I don't...I don't go for the mushy stuff.

Hetty: Come on.

I don't believe that for a minute.

Deep down...You're just as romantic as I am......

Oh, look at that sunset, Charlie.

Isn't that magnificent?

I bet you've seen thousands like that, haven't you?

Charlie: Yeah...this one, Hetty, is the best.

Hetty: Oh?

Why is that?

Charlie: Because I'm seeing it with you.

Hetty: Oh, Charlie.

Charlie: Who'd ever think anything like this would happen to an old sea dog like me?

Hetty: Hey, I'm no spring chicken myself.

Charlie: You definitely are a spring chicken.

Hetty: I don't think I've ever been this happy in my life, Charlie.

Charlie: I know what you mean.

I wish it...Wouldn't end.

Hetty: It doesn't have to end.

I'm gonna be on the boat for a long, long time.

Charlie: I'm not, Hetty.

This is my last cruise.

Hetty: What?

Your last...

Charlie: I...i never expected any...Anything like this to happen.

I'm retiring.

I got myself a nice little apartment...Picked out.

Big enough for one...

But you've changed my mind.

Hetty: Then you're not retiring?

Charlie: Oh, yes...

But now I want a...An apartment big enough for two.....

Come with me, Hetty.

Hetty: But...but, Charlie, I just moved on the ship.

Stay here with me.

Charlie: Here?

No, no.

I've had it with the sea...

Come with me, Hetty.

Hetty: But, Charlie.

I've got a lot of money.

We could have a wonderful life here.

Charlie: I had a wonderful life...I want a change.

Hetty: It would be different now.

Charlie: Uh-uh.

Thirty-two years is enough.

Hetty: Charlie, you're a...You're a stubborn old man.

Charlie: And you're a stubborn old lady......I'm sorry.

Melody: Gee, I wonder what's keeping Phil.

He promised to join us.

Gopher: Well, I think he's still on the phone to Phoenix.

Boy, when it comes to business, he's all business.

Melody: Yeah.

I found that out right after the honeymoon.

Oh, I'm not keeping you, am I, gopher?

Gopher: Keeping me?

I should be so lucky.

Isaac/julie/captain/doc: Surprise!!!

Gopher: What's the occasion?

Doc: Your new job, dummy.

Say, if you need a hotel doctor, I'm famous for my house calls.

Captain: You know, gopher, running a ship is a lot like running a hotel.

I may have some ideas for you.

Gopher: Great.

If you ever come to Arizona, you can put them in the suggestion box.

Captain: Touche.

Julie: So, well, how 'bout a toast?

To gopher, may you be as happy in your new job as we are sad to see you go.

Good luck.

Melody: Oh, they're playing one of my favorite songs, gopher.

Shall we?

Gopher: Ah...i have to dance with my new boss.

Captain: She's beautiful.

I can see why you're leaving me.

Gopher: Yes.

You never once asked me to dance.

Gopher: Maybe we should go look for Phil.

Melody: Phil who?

Gopher: Your husband.

Melody: Oh, that Phil...

I'm just so happy you're taking the job, gopher....

We're gonna have such fun...You and I...

Gopher: Yeah...wait a minute, melody...

This is nuts.

Melody: And wonderful at the same time.

Gopher: Um...this can't be...

I'll see you around the ship.

Al: It's open, honey.

Ken: Hello, sweetheart.

Al: Ken?

What are you doing here?

Ken: Ah, that chick in Vegas was a real loser.

And you know me, I don't waste any time.

I figured if I flew down here right away, I'd still be in time to be with Maggie...

Where is she?

Al: Uh...uh, next door.

Ken: Perfect...

Here ya go, pal.

Al: What's this?

Ken: It's your flight to L.A...

It leaves in an hour from Mazatlan international, or whatever they call it.

Al: Hey, look, Ken, I've decided...

Ken: You don't have to thank me, kid.

Just hurry up and pack.

Al: But Ken, it's about Maggie....

Ken: Don't worry about Maggie.

I'll say goodbye for you.

Okay?

Maggie: One second.

Ken: Wait till you see her face light up.

Maggie: Ken.

What are you doing here?

Ken: Hello, love.

I couldn't stay away from you another minute.

Maggie: Hey, wait a second.

What do you think you can just stroll in here all of a sudden.

Ken: I know, I know, you're mad at me...And I deserve it.

But I'm gonna make it up to you, I promise.

And from now on things are gonna be just like they used to be.

Maggie: You've got to be kidding, Ken.

Where's al?

Ken: Don't worry.

He's on his way back to L.A.

He told me to say goodbye to you.

Al: Hey, Ken...

Ken...

Before I go, you gotta see my new trick.

Ken: Your timing's terrific, kid.

Terrific...

Very nice.

Al: Ken...this is only gonna take a minute.

Believe me, you have never seen anything like this.

Ken: Maybe we'd better humor him.

Besides, we've got all night.

Al: Yeah...

Now if you'll just hold one in each hand, please.

Thank you.

Now, Ken, if you'll just stand here in the doorway.

Ken: Look, al, can't we...

Al: Come on, Ken.

This is a terrific trick.

You can use it in your act.

Now would you take two steps backwards....

Believe me, Ken...This is going to put you away.

Ken: Come on, funny man...Open up.

Al: Hey, it's a great book and I really think you're gonna like it.

When the candle goes out, take a nap.

Maggie: Oh, al, I love you.

Al: If he gets out of that closet in time...I think I'll let him be best man.

Maggie: Mmmm...

Best man?

Phil: Oh, melody.

Melody: Yeah?

Phil: I don't understand it.

Go figure him out.

Melody: Who?

Phil: Gopher.

Yesterday he takes the job.

This morning he quits.

Melody: He quit?

Phil: Hm-hm...

Melody: Well...did he say why?

Phil: No, he mumbled something about being in love with the ship.

Last night he couldn't wait to leave.

Melody: I'll be right back, Phil.

I need an aspirin.

Phil: Yeah, you better get me one, too.

I don't know what I'm gonna do about a hotel manager.

Oh, captain.

Julie: Hetty, hi.

Hetty: Good morning, Julie.

Julie: Good morning.

Listen, some of the crew's having a party tonight.

Thought maybe you and Charlie'd like to come.

Hetty: Ah, me and Charlie, aren't me and Charlie anymore.

Julie: Now wait a minute.

I thought you two were...

Hetty: Yeah, we were...

But we're not now.

Julie: What happened?

Hetty: Well, he's retiring.

He's leaving the ship.

Julie: And you're gonna stay on.

Hetty: Oh, I love this ship.

I love my new family.

I've just gotten my life sorted out.

Julie: You know, Hetty, would you mind taking some advice from me?

Hetty: Well, why shouldn't I?

I mean, after all you're smart enough to be a ship's captain.

Julie: Well, I love this ship, too.

But for the right man, I'd jump right over that rail.

Hetty: Well, I'll tell you.

I'm too short to jump over rails and i'm...Too old to change my life.

Gopher: It's open.

Melody: Gopher...i...I'm terribly sorry about last night.

Gopher: What...last night?

I...i don't remember any last night.

Melody: Oh, but you do.

I...i just don't know what came over me.

Gopher: Melody...whatever it was...You didn't exactly hear me yelling for help.

It takes two to tango...To coin an expression.

Melody: Take the job, gopher.

Please.

I promise it'll never happen again.

Gopher: I'm sure you mean that...

The problem is, I'm not sure I can make the same promise....

But maybe if I don't take the job, we can all stay friends.

Melody: Oh, gopher.

Gopher: Ah, Phil.

Phil: Well, don't let me interrupt anything...Pally.

Gopher: Oh, listen Phil, this is not what you think it is.

Phil: Oh, I can see what it is.

I offer you a job...And you think my wife is one of the fringe benefits.

Melody: Well, what do you care?

You're only interested in your business.

You don't give a damn about me.

Phil: Well fine.

Then I'll just leave you two alone.

I think I'd just be in the way.

Gopher: Oh, knock it off, Phil.

Who are you trying to impress with this martyred husband routine?

You want to believe there's something going on between melody and me?

Fine...

But here's something else you should believe....

You're throwing away a terrific lady here....

A lady who loves you.

Only you're so busy being a big wheel, you don't even realize you're ignoring her.

Phil: Ignoring?

Melody: Sometimes I feel my only function is to decorate your parties.

Gopher: And for a smart businessman, you're dumb.

Melody has a million ideas.

They're good ideas.

But every time she comes up with one, you just shoot her down.

I mean, you probably give your bellhops more respect.

Phil: Well, I guess it's the old male ego...

Business is a man's world....A wife belongs in the home.

You know all that stuff.

Gopher: Well, you could have the best of both worlds.

Phil: Huh?

Gopher: Melody would make a heck of a manager for your new hotel.

Phil: I never thought that...I guess there's a lot of things I never thought of....

But I do know one thing....I don't want to lose you.

Melody: Phil...you're not going to.

Gopher: Yeah...

Well...i guess you two want to be alone.

Phil: Gopher?

Thanks, friend.

Gopher: You're welcome...Friend.

Phil: I'm sorry you're not gonna take the job with us.

Gopher: Well...i belong here on this ship.

Ooooh...i quit.

Captain: Come in.

Gopher: Captain stubing, sir...

Well, sir, I wanted to see you about.....

Captain: I was hoping it was you, gopher.

I just want to say that....I'm very sorry to see you go.

Gopher: Well, sir, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

Captain: The point is that you do have some good ideas...

But it's...Too late now.

Gopher: Too late, sir?

It's not necessarily too late.

Captain: Now look...This may be senseless to even ask,

but would you consider staying on if I well, if I offered you a larger cabin?

Gopher: A larger cabin would be great.

Captain: No, no, no, no.

Forget I said that.

Here I am trying to bribe you.

I should be ashamed of myself.

Gopher: Nothing wrong with a good bribe, sir.

Captain: I mean how many chances does a young man get to manage a hotel?

Gopher: Sometimes none.

Captain: Well...i...i wish you nothing but the best...

Drop me a card when you get a chance.

Gopher: Thank you.

Captain: Gopher...

What if I promoted you to assistant purser?

Gopher: You've got a deal...

Sir, wait a minute.

What's the promotion?

I was the assistant purser.

Captain: The promotion is from the unemployment line to having a job...

Phil Livingston said that you passed up his offer.

Gopher: Thank you, captain.

Captain: It's good to have you back.

Gopher: Well, sir, about my larger cabin....

Captain: Ah, just drop a note in the suggestion box.

I'll think about it.

Gopher: Well, sir, you got rid of the suggestion box.

Captain: Oh, well, then that takes care of that, doesn't it?

That will be all, Mr. Smith.

Julie: Hey, you know for a substitute magician, you did a really good job.

Maggie: Oh, you can say that again.

Julie: Oh?

Al: Say...how would you like a magician on the next cruise?

Julie: Well...maybe.

Al: Well, you'll find one in the closet of aloha two-seventy-four.

Phil: Well, so long, old buddy.

Sorry you won't be with us.

Gopher: Oh, don't worry.

You'll find a new manager.

Phil: Well, I already have.

Right here on the ship.

Melody: We're going to keep it in the family.

Gopher: Congratulations.

Melody: Thank you.

Gopher: Ah, by the way...

You might be able to use this at the new hotel.

Melody: For me?

Gopher: For you.

Melody: Phil, it's a suggestion box.

Gopher: Use it well.

I'm gonna get a new one for the captain...

King size.

Melody: Bye, gopher.

Phil: So long.

Gopher: So long.

Good luck.

Captain: Well, goodbye, Charlie.

We'll miss you.

Charlie: Yeah...me too.

Doc: Oh, cheer up, Charlie.

Isaac: Come on, Charlie, you've been looking forward to this for a long time.

Charlie: Well, leaving ain't as much fun as I thought it was gonna be...

So long.

Hetty: Careful, you ninnies...

Watch that grandfather.

Or you won't live to be one.

Charlie: Hetty...

Hetty: Charlie...

Captain: Mrs. Waterhouse...Are you leaving?

Hetty: Merrill, I know it hurts, but even if you got down on your hands

and knees and begged me, my mind is made up.

That is if Charlie'll still have me.

Charlie: Well, I gotta a tiny apartment.

What are we gonna do with all your furniture?

Hetty: Well...after the wedding, instead of a reception, we'll have a garage sale.

Julie: Goodbye, Hetty.

Captain: Good luck, Charlie.

Julie: Bye, Charlie...

Well, it turned out to be a happy ending all the way around, didn't it?

I don't have to worry about being a captain.

Yet.

Doc: And I don't have to worry about being a husband.

Isaac: What about me?

I mean, I could have been...A star!