Original subtitles

(Jack Jones' "The Love Boat" playing)

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon will be making Another run ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪

( upbeat theme playing)

There you are.

Ooh. And there you are.

And as much as I'm loving this,

I'm really gonna have to check in.

Oh, please, Miss Maxwell.

I've seen every one of your movies.

Oh, how brave of you. I ought to get your autograph.

Miss Maxwell.

Oh, Merrill. Oh. Welcome back.

The Princess always sails better

when there's a queen onboard.

Now, I didn't know your ship was equipped

with a Blarney Stone.

(laughing)

Adam. Mona.

If your beauty gets any more dazzling,

I'm gonna have to wear dark glasses.

Mm. Now, no matter what you say, I'm not gonna marry you.

But meet me later, and we'll talk about fooling around.

Oh-ho. Oh, ho-ho.

Ha-ha-ha. Oh, and here are some more old friends.

Oh, Isaac, my favorite bartender.

Welcome back, Miss Maxwell.

Thank you. And Julie.

Hi. Welcome back. Hi.

I see we have booked

an entire boatload of your admirers.

Oh, dear. They keep showing those old musicals

of mine on the late show.

I must be responsible

for the sale of a million Slice-A-Matics.

(chuckles)

Excuse me. Wasn't that, uh...?

Mona Maxwell. She sails with us every year.

Really? It's her really, in the flesh?

You're a fan? Oh, ho, ho, ho.

I mean, that was a star. Yeah.

Not like these kids they have today.

(laughs)

Come on, I'll introduce you.

Oh, no. She wouldn't wanna meet me.

Yeah, she would. She's regular people.

I don't wanna be any trouble. Come on.

(laughing)

Here's someone who'd like to meet you.

Here she is, in the flesh. Hello.

Heh. I can't believe it's your flesh. Heh.

I-I mean, I can't believe you're alive.

I mean... I mean, I think I'll go to my cabin and fix my mouth.

Hmm. I'm flattered. I think.

(all laughing)

Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

The brochure said "fabulous," but this is fabulous.

Look at the way it's decorated.

You could learn something about fixing up

your apartment from this place.

Good taste.

I already have good taste.

I suppose I have bad taste?

No, no. You have no taste.

Hello. Good morning.

Welcome back. Hi. Welcome back.

Oh, I'm in love.

Where, where? Over there.

Hey, I don't think he's your type.

She's gorgeous, and she's crazy about me.

She hasn't even seen you yet.

Hey, some things are chemical, man. Watch this.

Hi, doll. What's your sign?

Julie McCoy, cruise director.

Pay no attention to this buffoon.

You and I can make beautiful music together.

What? And put your monkey out of work?

Love a girl with a sense of humor.

Yeah, love a guy with an original line.

Pardon me, gentlemen. May I have your names, please?

Alex Lambert, at your service, miss.

Wally Fountaine.

Oh, yes, you're on the Fiesta Deck. Cabin 264.

Happy cruising.

I'll see you later, just as soon as

I get rid of the excess baggage.

My cabin, as soon as I dump my father.

Bye.

I don't know why, but I get the feeling

that deep down inside,

those two crazy guys are some really nice people.

That's what I like about you, McCoy.

You're such a sap.

Hey. Nice boat.

Real, real nice boat. Heh-heh.

Tell me, Dottie.

How does this compare to the Mayflower?

Oh, stop it, Ralph.

Try to act respectable. At least for our anniversary.

GOPHER: Hello.

I'm Yeoman Purser Smith. I'm here to check you in.

We're the Warrens, and I'm here to check her out.

Excuse my husband, Mr. Smith. He's a little crazy.

Who said "little?" Ha-ha-ha.

Hey, what took you so long, shorty?

Well, I had to catch up with the bags.

What'd you guys do? Pack for a trip around the world?

You know I never do things in a small way.

Who said "small"?

(laughter)

This is our son, Doug.

Oh, hi.

Uh, well, let's see.

Warren, you've got adjoining cabins

on Fiesta Deck, 287, 289.

Son, I can't thank you enough.

What a wonderful way to spend our silver anniversary.

It's something I've wanted to do for a long time.

Hey, hey, enough of this gab. I'm ready for a short beer.

Who said "short"? Ah-ha.

I'm gonna take the bags, check out the cabin.

I'll catch you guys later, okay?

Oh, great. Okay, but don't be long.

Don't say it.

(all laugh)

Come on, honey. Take care of the bag.

Catch you later.

Your parents are a kick.

Yeah, they are the greatest. WOMAN: Hi.

Hello. You're, um... Oh, I know you.

Uh, the elevator at the Spelling building.

Right, you get off at the 16th floor, I get off at the 25th.

Hi, Doug Warren, stockbroker.

Beth Donaldson. Advertising.

Gopher Smith. Shipping.

Isn't it amazing? After a year of just nodding

to each other on the elevator, we finally get a chance to meet.

Yeah.

Yeah. Um...

I'm gonna take the bags, but I'll see you later, yeah?

Oh, you bet you will.

Yeah, okay. Yeah.

I'm glad to see you. Yeah, me too.

Super, isn't he?

Well, he's no Burl Smith.

Who? Burl Smith. Big...

Uh. You don't know him.

(boat horn blows)

( upbeat theme playing)

(people chattering excitedly)

You've gotta be kidding.

What schnook would wear a shirt like that?

You. I borrowed this from you last year.

On me it looked good. Huh.

A hair dryer?

You've gotta be careful.

You could blow your toupee over the side.

This happens to be the exact same kind Joe Namath uses.

Joe wears a rug?

Get lost, will you, please?

All right, okay, okay.

I got a very important decision here.

Which threads will Julie prefer

when I sweep her off her feet at dinner tonight?

You couldn't sweep her off her feet if you were a broom.

Oh, no?

Well, watch me and learn from a master.

A thousand bucks says I'm the one she falls for first.

A thousand bucks?

Wally, you can't afford to lose that kind of money.

I'll make it easy for you. Let's make it 500.

Hey, I'm your buddy.

I can't take 500 from you you don't have.

I'll settle for...$12.

I'll tell you what. Let's keep things in your league.

Make it a pizza.

With anchovies? You're on.

All right.

( sedate theme playing)

Mm. For you, sir?

Uh, screwdriver, please.

Screwdriver.

Don't I know you from somewhere?

That's it. Screwdriver.

In your hand, under my car.

I used to be a mechanic.

And I used to have an old heap with a chronic oil condition.

I got a chain of ten auto-repair shops now.

I got a newer heap with a chronic oil condition.

Oh, hi, Miss Maxwell.

Isaac, one of your notorious piña coladas, please.

Oh. I'll bring it right over.

Great.

Oh. Hi.

Hi.

I see you two are finally speaking.

Ah, yes, he sent me a dozen roses,

and I just couldn't stay mad.

I'm talking about you and Mona Maxwell.

I don't know what came over me in the lobby there.

I mean, I didn't have anything to say. I mean...

she's been my idol for years, and I'm just an ordinary schmo.

Oh, look, she made a couple of movies.

But I'll bet if you asked her to dinner tonight,

she'd probably say yes.

Oh. Ha! Yeah. Yeah.

Ah. Would you like to have dinner with her?

Hm. Yeah, but I'm sure she's busy.

Oh. I'll go find out. No, Isaac.

Oh. Thank you.

Miss Maxwell, my friend Mr. D'Angelo would like to know

if he could have the pleasure of dining with you tonight.

Tell Mr. D'Angelo that I'd be delighted.

Hey, how do you like that? There's my girl.

Your girl?

By tonight, you'll be eating your heart out,

and I'll be eating the pizza.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Hi, gorgeous. Hello, Mr. Lambert.

Oh, Alex, please. Alex.

Oh, nothing like the good sea air, is there?

It's even better when you breathe it.

Hey, not so hard. Poor guy.

Now, what time shall I pick you up for dinner and dancing?

Oh, well, I... Don't answer that.

Julie, I'm about to rescue you

from the most boring evening of your entire life.

I'll be at your cabin at 8. Well, no, I really can't...

Don't you say a word unless it's yes to me.

But come on... You're making a big mistake.

No, I'm not. No. Ah-ah-ah-ah.

You guys are crazy. Why don't we all have dinner together?

No, no, no. Lousy idea. Will you butt out?

You don't know how to dance.

Hey, boys. Boys. How about this?

I'll have dinner with Alex and go dancing with Wally.

No good. No way. Uh-uh.

All right, then, I'll have dinner with Wally

and go dancing with Alex.

That's fair enough.

Once you're with me, you'll never wanna leave.

Well... Until tonight, my beauty.

Is he kidding?

When you get a load of this guy's table manners,

you won't last past the appetizer.

I'll see you on the dance floor.

It's love.

Hm. How do you like that? She loves me.

You? Yeah, me.

Look in the mirror sometime, will you?

Look in her eyes.

(speaking indistinctly)

Mamma mia.

I'd like to be around when she reaches puberty.

Just cool it, Ralph. She's not your type.

She is if you give me a boost.

Who said that?

How did you put up with him for 25 years?

What could I do? It was either him or Mickey Rooney.

Mickey Rooney.

Hey, Doug.

The ship's crawling with pulchritude.

What are you hanging around us?

Because I want to. I mean, this is for you.

But that doesn't mean you can't have a good time.

I think we're inhibiting him.

In that case, how about a game of shuffleboard?

Great idea.

And don't give me the short end of the stick.

Who said that?

I didn't.

Um...

if there's anything you can't handle, kid,

you know my cabin number.

Come on, Ralph. (humming)

( sedate theme playing)

Step to the rear, please.

Let the man with the coffee cart out

before his doughnuts go bad.

Hi, hi, hi. Hi, hi.

Whoa. If you wore that to work,

nobody would ever get off the elevator.

Can I buy you a drink?

Oh, of course.

Oh, but I think I should warn you.

I'm already committed for dinner.

Oh, yeah? Who's the lucky guy?

You. Ha-ha.

By the way, did I tell you that I was aggressive?

I'll tell you when to stop. Okay.

Um... this cruise

is a silver anniversary present for my parents.

You don't mind if they join us, do you?

Oh, no. I'd love to meet them.

Look, any parents of yours are prospective in-laws of mine.

Anybody ever tell you you were aggressive?

Well, wait, do you wanna take another look?

( peaceful theme playing)

That's a very beautiful dress you have on, Miss Maxwell.

Or may I call you...?

(knock on door)

Oh, Mr. D'Angelo. I'm so sorry,

but Captain Stubing reminded me

that I promised to have dinner with him tonight.

He's entertaining some bigwigs from the shipping line,

and, well, I guess they wanted to meet me.

Can we make it another time?

Oh, sure. We'll make it another time.

Thank you, and I'm sorry for such short notice.

Hey, look. Uh, I know how it is.

( slow, dramatic theme playing)

How it is, is... I'm a jerk.

( upbeat theme playing)

She is a sensational girl.

And I know you two are gonna like her.

You know, I-I think she'd like you better

in your other tux shirt.

You know, the one with all the ruffles.

Nobody asked you.

Doug, you look great. Thanks, Mom.

Oh, here, uh... bought you a little present.

Put some on. Heh.

Cologne. Oh, thanks, Pop, but I already used some.

Well, put some more on.

Can't do you any harm to be a sweet smeller.

Ah. Better get out of here before he gives you a haircut.

You know, we are gonna be the best-looking foursome

in that dining room.

Right.

But, uh, we'll be two twosomes.

No, what do you mean?

I already told Beth you were coming.

Look, it's your first date with the girl.

You don't want us tagging along.

Now... It's for your own good, son.

I mean, uh, she'd see what a killer I am,

and then you'd be out of the running.

(disco playing)

(inaudible dialogue)

Hey, uh, Gopher. Hm?

Listen, uh, you must know Julie pretty well. Oh.

Well, um, did she ever say what turns her on?

Yeah.

Warren Beatty.

What kind of a tip is that?

If you were Warren Beatty, you'd be thrilled.

Hello, Gopher.

Wally, thank you for dinner. I had a lovely time.

My pleasure, Julie.

I don't understand one thing, however.

How can you go from champagne and caviar

to... chopped liver?

(chuckles)

Well, Julie, the mercy date is over for the evening.

Prince Charming is here to dance the night away.

See you later, honey.

I will leave a light in my porthole.

Oh.

Your friend's a clown.

Yeah, laughing on the outside and, uh,

weeping on the inside.

Poor guy. Oh, yeah? Why's that?

Well, listen, uh, don't tell him I told you this,

but he's miserable.

He wanted to bring his fiancée on this trip with him,

but she had to stay home and work, you know.

They're saving every penny they have for the honeymoon.

And I gave him this trip

as sort of a pre-wedding present.

Oh, you gave him this trip?

Yeah, well, you know, a single guy like me.

Who have I got to spend my money on, you know?

Except my friends and, uh, my girl.

If I had a girl.

Isn't that strange?

He told me that he brought you on this cruise.

Yeah. Well, like you say, he's a crazy clown.

Listen, uh, shall we trip the light Travolta?

Sure.

Oh, I just love disco dancing.

Whoever invented it is a genius.

Yeah, well, I know who invented it.

Same guys who invented skateboards and hang gliders.

(laughing)

Orthopedic surgeons of America.

They're cleaning up from this.

Speaking of surgeons, sir? May I cut in?

Oh, you sure may.

Thank you, Gopher. Thank you.

I hear your dinner date got cancelled. Sorry.

Look, I'm sorry. I embarrassed her, you know.

Pushing myself on her like that.

I mean, what does she want with me,

when she's got the cream of the ship?

Gopher? The cream?

Well, the sour cream maybe.

Oh, he's putting me on again, Dottie.

No, it's really the truth, captain.

I mean, all these years

I've been working as a court clerk.

Oh, what court?

Small claims.

Oh, who said that? (laughing)

Excuse me. Some more ice, please.

Oh, I... I didn't know they allowed children at the bar.

Oh, they're not children. They're...

They call themselves "little people."

Come on, I want you to meet 'em.

I know 'em pretty well. Uh...

Maybe another time, okay? C... Come on.

Oh, I'm sorry I acted like such an idiot

about those little people. Oh, you weren't an idiot.

Anybody can get uptight when they see someone

different from themselves.

It's easily overcome.

All you need is a chance to meet 'em.

I... I guess I have this deep-seated fear

that maybe a child of mine could turn out like that.

Heh-heh. Uh... Beth, ahem,

those little people...

Are in there, and we're out here.

( tender theme playing)

We should try that in an elevator sometime.

There's a lot of things we should try.

Not in an elevator.

(disco music playing)

She is the most beautiful dancer

in the world.

Maybe not the whole world.

Why don't you get out there.

Cut in.

Nah. What are you...?

Go ahead. Drop it, will you?

Look, I'm not in her league.

Hey, do you hear that song?

She danced with Gene Kelly to that song in...

What was the name of that movie?

Shall we dance?

Gene Kelly wasn't in Shall We...

Oh. It's you.

Heh.

Hi. Hi.

Uh, well, I'm, uh... I'm asking you to dance.

Uh.

Are you sure?

Well, of course I'm sure, Mr. D'Angelo.

May I call you Artie?

(slow jazzy tune playing)

How about that? I just produced my first movie:

Artie Meets Mona.

Take one.

(sighs)

It's a lovely evening, isn't it?

Oh, it sure is.

Well, so much for small talk.

I came out here for some fresh air.

I'm crazy about you, Julie.

Well, that's nice, Alex.

But a girl likes to be romanced.

ALEX: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Julie, you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.

Your eyes, Julie.

Y... Your eyes are like limpid pools of sapphires.

Alex. I must have you.

If... If I can't, I-I'll throw myself overboard.

Have a nice swim.

I... I love you, Julie.

I'm crazy about you. I need you.

Well, Alex, there are right and wrong ways

to go about these things.

Now, just follow me, okay?

First, we close our eyes.

They're closed.

Next, you pucker up.

I'm puckered.

Mm-hm.

Now, count to five, and when you reach five,

put your arms around me and kiss me.

Okay.

Ready?

One. Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

(chuckling)

Six.

Seven.

Eight.

(laughing)

Oh, Artie. Oh, you're such a wonderful dancer.

I'm no Gene Kelly.

No, you're not. But then, he's no Artie D'Angelo.

Heh.

Oh. You know, you have never told me what you do.

Oh, what's to tell?

You know, I own a string of, uh, auto shops.

Oh. It's called Tune-Up Town.

I'm sort of the mayor.

(both chuckle)

And I play poker with the boys once a week, you know,

and I, uh... I go to the Laker games.

All of those. But that wouldn't interest you.

You know, if they had a couple of forwards that could shoot,

they'd win a lot more games.

You're a fan?

Heh-heh. You know it. (laughing)

Heh.

Oh, uh... Hey, look, uh...

This is, uh... This is where I, uh...

I mean, this is my room.

So I don't wanna take up, uh

any more of your time,

so I'll just say good night.

Artie, let's get something straight.

You are not taking up my time.

I enjoy your company.

Now, um, why don't you invite me in for a nightcap?

You're kidding?

STUBING: Mona. Sure.

I'm glad I caught you.

We're going to my cabin for a nightcap.

Won't you join us? Both of you. Come.

That's, uh... That's okay. Why don't

you just go along with your friends?

Oh, no. Not unless you come too.

Oh, yeah, sure. I'll... Promise.

Yeah, yeah. I'll... I'll meet you there.

Well, all right, but don't be long.

Hm-hm.

( melancholy theme playing)

(sighs)

( mellow theme playing)

Oh. Julie, Julie, Julie.

Julie, stop!

Look! Ha-ha.

I know you're crazy about me, but I'm only human.

Cut out the racket.

What? Oh. Excuse me.

I, uh... I guess I was dreaming about last night.

Okay. (sighs)

What didn't happen?

Wally, Wally, Wally.

There are some things

that a gentleman does not talk about.

Let's just simply say

I like my pizza with thick crust

and extra cheese, okay?

Meaning you got to first base with Miss McCoy?

I would call it more of a grand slam home run.

You would? Mm-hm.

I'd call it a strikeout.

I saw you at the rail.

I'm all puckered. One, two, three.

You are a peeping Tom.

Oh, come on. There was nothing worth peeping at.

Why don't you give up on my girl?

I got another hot number for you anyway.

555-4496.

Who's that? Pizza Pete.

He delivers.

( sedate theme playing)

Hello.

Hi. Hi.

Good morning. Good morning.

Sorry I'm late for breakfast, but I slept in.

That's funny. We went by your room

to pick you up this morning, and there was no answer.

Don Juan strikes again? (laughs)

DOTTIE: Leave him alone, Ralph.

Do you like her?

I'm nuts about her.

There's some problems, but...

Well, there's always problems.

When I think of what your mother and I went through.

It took her months before she bought me a ring.

Oh.

I can hardly wait to meet Beth.

You did invite her to our anniversary party tonight?

Not yet, no.

Why don't you invite her to have lunch with us,

and we'll invite her to the party.

Okay, um, but if we don't show up,

you guys go on ahead without us, okay?

Great. Okay?

( melancholy theme playing)

What's with him?

Nothing.

He's gotta leave the nest sooner or later.

Did it ever occur to you, uh, he could be ashamed of us?

I don't believe that for a minute, and neither do you.

No, I don't.

But, uh, just to be on the safe side, uh,

let's grow between now and lunchtime?

(laughs)

So?

So, what?

So you spent the evening

with the girl of your dreams.

You held her in your arms

and danced the night away.

Are you happy, sad... fed up, in love,

disgusted, or none of the above?

I had a great time until...

Good morning, Miss Maxwell.

Morning, Miss M. Good morning, Doc.

Morning, Miss Maxwell. Morning, Isaac.

Morning, Mona. Drop dead, Mr. D'Angelo.

Sounds like she had a great time to me.

Uh, couldn't we go someplace where we could be alone?

Hey, I've gotta get these papers to the captain.

Great, I'll come with you. He can marry us.

That's a myth. Captains don't marry people.

Then we'll settle for the use of his cabin.

Hey, what is it with you and Alex?

Oh, him. Poor Alex.

He... You've been like a tonic to him.

What?

Well, you've been such an influence on him, Julie.

Uh... How can I put this... delicately?

You see, Alex...

Alex has never really been interested in women before.

I mean, before you.

It's not his fault though.

It's a tragic football injury in high school.

Alex warned me that you'd do anything

to get me interested in you.

But it's not gonna work.

He also told me about your fiancée.

I don't have a fiancée.

He said you'd say that too. I don't, believe me.

He told me you'd plead.

Why, that no-good, rotten creep. I'll kill him.

Well, while you're killing him,

I'm gonna go take these papers to the captain.

Don't rush.

It's gonna take Alex a long time to die.

(knock on door)

Oh, come in. It's open.

Hi. Well, I'm ready for lunch.

How do I look?

Aren't I the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?

Oh, I know, I know. Too pushy. Hm.

Oh, but I don't care. I've decided to have 16 kids,

and every one of 'em's gonna look just like you.

How's that for pushy? Beth, we...

Hey. I'm trying to tell you that I love you.

Look, Beth. This was all a mistake.

Let's just forget about us, okay?

What? No.

I'm really sorry.

Hey. What did I do?

Don't... go.

(piano playing, people chattering)

(laughing)

Ah. Here it is.

Oh. Thank you, my dear. Thank you.

Mm.

Mm. Mm. Now, my favorite

was the one where you and that young marine

were tap dancing all over those antiaircraft guns.

Oh, you mean, uh, Desert Moon.

Desert Moon? On a ship? No, that doesn't make sense.

Oh, it did when they paid me $100,000

and, uh, 10 percent of the gross.

(Stubing laughs)

All right, tell us about the time the horse bit you.

You're gonna love this.

(laughs)

We were making a horse opera.

Uh, and usually, that means a Western.

Anyway, in this particular picture,

I actually had to sing opera sitting on a horse.

Mona... could we talk?

I am talking.

Well, anyway, there was this horse...

Privately.

Would you excuse us?

Captain... you tell the rest of the story, will you?

He tells it much better than I do anyway.

Anyway, there was this horse...

Now, what's your story?

Come on outside, will you?

Ooh. I feel like such a klutz

turning my ankle playing Ping-Pong.

Well, I still think you should see Doc.

No, what I really need is to just get off it.

Here, give me the key, and I'll open the door.

Yeah.

Lean on me. Ooh.

Careful.

BOTH: Whoa.

Oh, wait, let me close the door.

That's good. Whoop.

What are you doing? I'm kissing you.

Well, what about your ankle?

There's nothing wrong with my ankle. It's my heart.

Mwah.

No, no. You're crazy.

Ohh. Oh.

Wally. Don't you knock?

Congratulations. You win the bet.

The bed. You... The bed.

You said "bet." What bet? No. He said "bed."

He said "bet." He said "bed."

Didn't you?! Alex.

Come on. What's the sense of going on with this little ruse?

We did have a bet.

About what?

You. We had a bet to see which one of us would...

Uh... I'm so ashamed.

You're also a jerk.

That I was a bet?

I can't believe this. The two of you.

You and he and... Oh.

You're upset.

Oh.

(chuckles)

She was almost mine.

Well, almost does not a winner make.

You realize that now she's so steaming,

neither of us has a chance.

Speak for yourself. We haven't docked yet.

Miss Donaldson, can I fix you something?

Yeah. How are you at fixing broken hearts?

Fine, if you don't mind them coming out

looking like a banana daiquiri.

That'll do for a start.

Okay. One banana...

Hey, uh, hello, folks. How you doing?

Howdy-doody.

Can I get you something?

Oh, yeah. Let me see.

Uh, two piña coladas.

And don't you dare ask for our IDs.

(laughs)

Promise. Okay.

Ah. Hi. Heh.

I know it's easy to overlook us,

but, uh, I don't know why I overlooked you.

You're the second most beautiful girl onboard.

Dottie's number one.

Ralph, are you flirting again?

Try to pick on someone your own size.

Who said that?

(both laughing)

Uh, excuse me, I really have to go.

DOTTIE: Pardon me.

But you look like you just lost your best friend.

Uh... Well, I did.

I guess he wasn't my best friend.

A boyfriend?

Kind of.

Yeah, he dropped me just like that, and I don't know why.

I guess maybe I came on too strong.

Here we go. Two piña coladas and a brand new heart.

Thank you.

Maybe he just got cold feet.

Remember how it was with us, honey?

Uh-huh. We already set the wedding date, and...

And then one day, I panicked.

Why?

RALPH: Well, being little, uh,

we wondered...

Well... Well, you know, about kids and everything.

Maybe that's what scared him off.

I was talking about kids.

Sixteen of them.

Sixteen?

You better have a pretty good diaper service.

(all laugh)

Did you have kids?

Oh, yes, we have two.

A beautiful married daughter,

compact-sized, like us.

Then there's our son.

Uh, the jolly green giant.

Heh. Uh...

a wonderful boy. And in fact, if he hadn't met someone,

I'd like to introduce you to him.

Well, if I hadn't met someone, I'd take you up on it.

Listen, this fellow you care about:

Don't you give up on him without a fight.

Why, I stuck to Ralph like glue,

and so far it's lasted.

Twenty-five years today.

Oh, 25 years. Mm-hm.

( melancholy theme playing)

Uh...

did your son bring you onboard to celebrate your anniversary?

He sure did.

Oh. Well, then I will take your advice.

Oh. Thank you. Heh.

Mwah. Oh. Mwah.

You're wonderful people.

No. Just people.

So long, Beth.

BOTH: Beth.

Ha.

Va-va-voom.

( mellow theme playing)

It's been a long time since I've been stood up.

I may not be box office anymore,

but this is ridiculous.

Look, I didn't mean to stand you up.

I just thought you'd rather be with your friends.

I only went to the captain's party

because I thought you would join me.

Really? Really.

Would you like it engraved in marble?

I'm sorry.

Now, are we going to have a Mexican dinner

in town tonight or not?

Because if we are,

I have about... 30 invitations to cancel.

I wouldn't want you to disappoint anybody.

Artie! Okay, okay. We're having dinner.

Gee. Thanks a lot.

( tranquil theme playing)

Julie. Just forget about it.

It was a harmless little joke.

Oh-ho-ho, yeah. Betting on me like I was a racehorse.

Ah. Don't look now. Here come your lovers.

WALLY: Julie, my darling.

Can a guy apologize to a girl over a drink?

Sure.

If the guy's drink is arsenic.

I don't blame you.

Look, um, Julie...

I know that this whole thing started out

as a kind of childish game.

But somewhere along the line,

it stopped being a game for me

and became something very, very real.

Mm-hm.

It was real for me too, Alex.

It was?

A real pain in the neck.

Would you two both get lost?

Gopher. (clears throat)

Being a little rough on them.

Hey, Gopher. I've had it with those two jerks.

Now, Julie, wait a minute. If you think about it,

they paid you a very high compliment.

Oh, pardon me. Make that three jerks.

No, no, wait. Just think about it.

(in dramatic tone): Julie, it's love.

It's love! It's love.

It's also...

(in dramatic tone): horsefeathers.

But I know what you mean.

( mellow theme playing)

(soft jazzy tune playing)

That's nice.

Looks like love to me.

Good old ship, you've done it again.

(chuckles)

Mm. This champagne is delicious.

Isn't it, Doug?

Nothing but the best for our silver anniversary. Heh.

Just think how lucky you are, Dottie.

Twenty-five years with

the last of the big spenders.

Who said that? Heh-heh.

Are you sure your Beth won't be joining us?

No, Mom, she's not coming.

Uh, come on, Dottie, let's dance.

Oh, Doug, don't drink up all the champagne

before we get back. Heh.

Sippy, sippy. Ha-heh.

It's all your fault.

My fault? All your fault.

Yeah... Hi, guys.

I had... Listen, it's his fault.

I will accept none of the responsibility of this.

You are a fool, my friend. (whistles)

I'm not mad at you anymore.

You mean it?

Mm-hm. And to prove it,

I want the three of us to spend every possible minute together

for the rest of this cruise.

The three of us? Uh-huh.

You mean, you're never gonna choose between us?

No.

Well, I guess we never find out who wins the pizza.

Pizza?!

That's all I was worth to you, is a pizza?

With anchovies?

(all laughing)

Ancho... Those little things.

(laughs): A pizza.

All out for the 17th floor,

including all stockbrokers and their wives.

I know. Too pushy. Beth...

Look, I got a couple of pieces

of good advice this afternoon.

The first was... the only way to fix a broken heart

was to turn it into a banana daiquiri.

The second was, if you find a guy

you're madly in love with,

stick to him like glue, no matter what.

So... I'm... I'm sticking.

Okay, uh, ahem,

then there's something you gotta know.

You see those two small people dancing over there?

They're my folks.

And they are the two most wonderful people in the world.

I know.

You know what else?

I'm not gonna stop bugging you

until it's our 25th anniversary. Heh.

Now, uh, do me a favor, huh?

Pour me a little champagne.

Sure, it's our anniversary,

and you're doing all the celebrating.

Oh.

Happy anniversary.

(drum roll playing)

ALL: Happy anniversary!

(all clapping)

Hey. Look at that.

Congratulations.

Oh, it's beautiful. You shouldn't have done it.

Well, I'm sure glad they did. Ha.

I only have one question, captain.

Uh, what's that?

Why did they make the cake so small?

BOTH: Who said that?

(all laughing)

Mm. What a night.

Heh.

Sure beats bowling with the boys.

(both chuckle)

Oh.

Stay here with me.

I want to, but... No buts.

Oh.

Would you believe I'm nervous?

For once, I'm not.

Artie, it's just that you have this...

This image of me, and I... I'm scared. I...

I'm scared I can't live up to it.

You've already lived up to and beyond

any dream I ever had.

You're a warm, wonderful lady.

And I happen to be in love with you.

Wow. Just like in the movies.

Heh.

( mellow theme playing)

I haven't been up this early since I had a paper route.

(both chuckling)

Well, it must be love.

It is.

You know, I'm starving.

Isn't it time for breakfast yet?

Another hour. Another hour.

But I don't wanna waste a single moment

of our last day at sea.

You know, it's back to the elevator for us.

Hm.

Would I be rushing things, do you think,

if I said that I might like to take you away from all that?

Oh, you mean, uh, we'd use the stairs?

(grunts) (laughs)

What's the matter with rushing things?

Okay, if we married and had kids...

it's almost a hundred percent that they'd be normal. Mm-hm.

But there is a chance in a million...

that they'd be small.

You know, a couple of days ago,

that would have scared the daylights out of me.

Now?

Knowing your parents...

it just doesn't make any difference.

Ah.

Hm.

How am I gonna get back to my room

without everybody pointing?

It's obvious I haven't been there all night.

Ha. I'll lend you one of my suits.

Hm. Wrong size.

Here, you can have my pajamas.

Oh. It won't match my shoes and bag. Ha.

Oh, Artie. Artie, you're great.

The feeling is mutual.

(chuckles)

Heh.

I'm never gonna forget you, Mona.

Well, now, wait a minute.

That sounds like you're saying goodbye.

Well, I... I am, really.

I mean, I wouldn't presume to think that this could...

I don't believe it.

Y-you think that I'm the kind of a woman

who plays one-night stands?

That I'm some cheap broad?

Oh, mister, you've been

seeing too damn many movies.

Mona. Mona.

Oh.

What the hell am I doing?

I love you, Artie.

Don't let me go out this door.

It's lonely out there.

Oh, I won't, Mona.

Not even if you wore my suit and my pajamas.

(laughing)

( upbeat theme playing)

(boat horn blows)

BRICKER: Bye-bye. So long.

We had a terrific time, guys.

Oh, good. Yes, thank you so much.

It's a pleasure. We hope to see you again.

Listen, why don't you reserve a cabin now

for your golden anniversary?

Good idea. Especially if our son springs for it. Heh.

I wonder where he is.

Hey, shorty.

Ah. One minute.

RALPH: You know what they say.

Like father, like son.

Oh, come on, Ralph.

Stop trying to be such a big shot.

BOTH: Who said that?

(both laugh)

Hey. So long.

Oh, it was wonderful. Goodbye.

Bye-bye, Mrs. Warren. Nice to meet you.

Hey, let's go, dear.

GOPHER: So long.

Julie. Julie. Yeah.

Have you finished work yet?

Just about. Gopher? Mm-mm.

Would you please take care of

the rest of the passengers for me?

Where are you going? To get a pizza. My treat.

With anchovies.

Anchovies? Sausage.

All right, anchovies, sausage and onions.

Anchovies, sausage, onions and green peppers.

No green peppers. I want green peppers.

I want thick crust.

All right, anchovies, sausage, onions, green pep...

(whistles)

Let's forget the pizza and eat Chinese.

(speaks indistinctly)

WALLY: See you, buddy. ALEX: So long.

Now, we're all meeting Saturday night

at Chasen's for dinner, right?

I wouldn't miss it.

Wait till I tell my mom

I'm having dinner with Mona Maxwell.

Oh, no.

You tell your mom you're having dinner

with Artie D'Angelo and his girl.

Ha. Okay.

Bye-bye, Isaac. Bye-bye.

Goodbye, Mona. Thank you, Merrill.

Good luck, Artie.

(sighs)

( upbeat theme playing)