Original subtitles

♪

♪ love, exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard, we're expecting you ♪

♪ love, life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow, it floats back to you ♪

♪ love boat soon will be making another run ♪

♪ the love boat promises something for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure, your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ love won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile on a friendly shore ♪

♪ yes, love ♪

♪ welcome aboard, it's love ♪

Doc: Well, it sure looks like Halloween to me.

Gopher: Ah, but if you were really in the spirit, doctor,

you would have supplied us with a genuine skeleton.

Isaac: Right. And I'm sure you could dig one up somewhere.

Doc: I'm sorry, but there are no skeletons in my closet.

I was once married to an old bat, though.

Gopher: Good joke doc.

Bobby: Hey! A woman's gonna jump overboard.

Gopher: What?

Bobby: Come on.

Bobby: There she is.

Gopher: Miss! Miss, wait a minute. No.

Doc: It's okay. We've got you now.

Gopher: Let's just talk this over calmly and rationally.

Mrs. Moss: Talk what over? My daughter was taking my picture.

Gopher: We thought you were jumping overboard.

Mrs. Moss: At these prices?

Doc: Ah, just a moment, young man.

I'd like to speak to your parents.

Mrs. Diller: Bobby!

Doc: Hey.

Mrs. Diller: What's going on?

Doc: Your son has a pretty active imagination.

Mrs. Diller: Oh, Bobby. Have you been telling lies again?

Gopher: Whoppers.

Bobby: Well, it looked like she was gonna jump overboard, sort of.

Lucy: But your dad doesn't think so.

Bobby: Yeah, well, he's under a lot of pressure.

It's not easy being a spy.

Mr. Diller: Hey.

Mrs. Diller: I'm, I'm really sorry.

It's...it's just a phase he's going through.

Doc: I'm not a child psychologist, but when a kid lies, there's usually a reason.

Mr. Diller: Yeah, I guess there is.

Well, thank you very much. Come on, Bobby.

Mrs. Diller: Thank you.

Julie: Hey, you guys. I'm sorry that I'm late.

But this is my friend Karen Williamson. She's gonna be sharing my cabin this trip.

Gopher: Hello.

Doc: Hi.

Karen: Hello. How are you?

Julie: Karen, this is Adam bricker, our ship's physician.

And this is gopher Smith.

Doc: Our ship's condition.

Julie: Well, I'd better get to work. Okay?

Gopher: Work? Gee, I thought you were just another fun-loving passenger.

Julie: Mmm...

Excuse me, Freddie, would you please show miss Williamson to my cabin? Thank you.

I'll see you later.

Karen: All right.

Doc: What a knockout. She could be a model.

Julie: She was, until about a year ago. Then she was in this car accident and...

Gopher: She's perfect for me.

Doc: Perfect for you? I've got dibs on her.

Gopher: Wait a minute.

Julie: Guys, you're gonna have to go easy, okay?

She's had some really bad breaks and on top of it all her boyfriend walked out on her.

Gopher: Great.

Julie: Now come on, she's here to spend time with me.

Gopher: Julie, I've always enjoyed your company.

Doc: I have been neglecting you lately.

Julie: Bye.

Captain: And, aside from our Halloween costume ball,

i have hired the world's greatest illusionist, the amazing Alonzo.

Anita: Who?

Captain: The amazing Alonzo. He's an illusionist.

He uses a form of mass hypnosis. He can make people see things that aren't there.

He's incredible.

Freda: Oh, I remember him from TV years ago.

Is he still around?

Captain: Yes, and we've got him.

Freda: I guess you couldn't get pinky Lee, hm?

Alonzo: I have a terrible feeling this is a big mistake. Let's go back home.

Ramona: You'll be fine. Believe me.

Alonzo: But I haven't appeared before an audience in three years. What if nothing works?

Ramona: It will work. I know it.

You are the amazing Alonzo. The best.

Alonzo: Oh, Ramona. What would I do without you?

Gopher: Doc. Doc, Karen is closer to my age.

Doc: She needs the guidance of a mature mind.

Gopher: Mature? You mean twisted. Senile.

Doc: Senile?

Gopher: Senile. The years have taken their toll.

Captain: Ah, there he is now.

Captain: Welcome aboard. I'm captain merrill stubing.

Alonzo: Delighted to be here. Hello.

Alonzo: Oh, this is Ramona, the love of my life.

All: (Ad libs hellos)

Captain: I've been boasting about you all morning.

Oh, would you consider doing a small illusion? Just to wet our appetites.

Alonzo: Oh, well, really i'm, I'm really not quite prepared to...

Joan: Oh, please. Just a small one.

Alonzo: Well, I...Really I...

Gopher: Don't think it's gonna be easy cutting me out this time, doc.

Doc: My dear boy, cutting you out comes under the heading of minor surgery.

Gopher: Well you certainly know about that.

Captain: What now?

Julie: I'm sorry, sir, I just introduced them to a friend of mine and,

now they're behaving like two jackasses.

Alonzo: Well, if they're behaving like jackasses, perhaps they should be jackasses.

Do you observe?

Do you observe?

Doc: I'm gonna have you put below decks and chains,

and you'll never see any of these lovely ladies again.

Alonzo: Jackasses.

Gopher: You're not gonna put me anywhere.

You're just a lackey as far as I'm concerned.

Doc: Oh, oh, oh.

Gopher: Oh, oh, oh.

Doc: You run. You run scared. You run.

Captain: Donkeys? On my ship?

Hell, what happened to doc and gopher?

Julie: Well, sir, I always told you they had it in them.

Gopher: Uh...You get the feeling...People are staring at us?

Doc: It's me. When you've got it, you've got it.

Freda: Well how did you do that?

Gopher: Now let's continue this discussion in my office.

Captain: Well, I told you he was magnificent.

Freda: Oh, you must have a drink with us. I'm one of your biggest fans.

Anita: I've never missed one of your TV shows.

Alonzo: Well, thank you. Thank you.

Joan: You're marvelous.

Anita: Did you ever see anything like that?

Julie: Hey, where were you? You missed the confetti throwing.

Karen: I...Felt like staying here.

Julie: Well, you didn't come on this cruise to sit in a cabin.

Let's go grab our bathing suits and go up on deck.

Karen: Oh, Julie, how can I go anywhere looking like this?

Julie: Karen.

Karen, you look fine.

Karen: Tell that to the photographers.

They haven't exactly been calling lately.

I guess I expected a miracle from plastic surgery.

But they did all they could.

Paul was expecting a wonder.

Julie: Paul, yeah. Well he's a real lightweight.

He's not worth your little finger.

Karen: I had a life...And suddenly that life has disappeared.

Julie: Then you just make a different life.

Now come on. It's lido deck time.

Karen: Oh, Julie, couldn't we...

Julie: No, we can't. I'm sorry, but I'm the cruise director. Now move it.

It's okay.

Mr. Diller: Honey, you want anything? A drink?

Mrs. Diller: No, thank you.

Mr. Diller: I could order a sandwich. Hm?

Mrs. Diller: Everything is just fine.

Mr. Diller: Boy, look out for this sun.

You know how easy you burn.

Mrs. Diller: I will.

Mr. Diller: Listen, I'll put some of that lotion on just in case.

Mrs. Diller: Don't.

Mr. Diller: What?

Mrs. Diller: Don't try so hard.

Mr. Diller: I know.

I'm sorry.

It wasn't easy splitting up and it's not gonna be easy getting back together again.

I know that.

Mrs. Diller: We'll be okay.

Mr. Diller: What're we gonna do about Bobby?

Mrs. Diller: Sweetheart, you have to realize,

the year we separated was twice as hard on him as it was on us.

We'll...just have to be patient.

Bobby: Isaac! There's a man killing a lady!

Isaac: What?

Lucy: He's strangling her!

Isaac: Where?

Isaac: Listen you guys, that was really dumb.

Bobby: Well, it looked like he was choking her, sort of.

Lucy: We were just having fun.

Isaac: Well, it was no fun for me.

Anita: I can't understand why you've never made a movie.

Alonzo: Well, the studios keep begging me to, but nobody's come up with the right script yet.

Well you know, with my special talent, I have to be very particular.

Freda: You should be. But when you do make a movie, I'll definitely go to see it.

Alonzo: Well, you don't have to. You have me right here, in person.

Ramona: Alonzo, you were gonna meet me in the bar.

Alonzo: Oh...Oh, you remember my associate Ramona.

Anita: Oh, yes. Hello.

Ramona: I'd like to speak to you for a moment.

Alonzo: Oh, certainly. Certainly.

I'll see you on the lido deck.

Joan: Don't be long.

Ramona: Before I was the love of your life, now I'm your associate.

I am your fiancée.

Alonzo: Oh, but of course, my love.

But when the fans think of me as unattached, it...Well, it helps the fantasy.

Ramona: Theirs or yours?

Alonzo: I've always loved your sense of humor.

Julie: Karen. Hey, don't be so self-conscious.

You look great.

Gopher: Hi, Julie.

Julie: Hi.

Gopher: Say I've been going over the seating arrangements for dinner,

and unfortunately, I've only been able to get you a table for two.

Ah! How 'bout that. It's the same table I'm at.

Karen: Thank you, but...

Gopher: Oh, thank me later. During dinner.

Julie: He likes you.

Karen: How long do you think he'd like me if he saw this?

Julie: Karen, it's just a scar.

You're making much more of it than it really is.

I bet you could take that scarf off right now and nobody'd even notice.

You're gonna have to do it sometime.

Anita: It's not Halloween until tomorrow.

Julie: Karen!

Karen!

Karen!

Captain: Alonzo?

Alonzo: Yes.

Captain: I hate to be a taskmaster, but you were hired to perform, you know.

Alonzo: Well, yes I, I was just contemplating the object of my next demonstration.

Captain: Oh.

Joan: Oh, Alonzo. There you are.

Freda: Yes. Would you do an illusion? Please.

Alonzo: Well, there are a lot more important things than mere illusions.

Ramona: You can do it.

Alonzo: Yes, I know I can.

I mean more important things like lunch.

All: Lunch?

Captain: Lunch? I don't get it.

Alonzo: Can't you just visualize one of your chef's tantalizing meals? Hm?

Go ahead, think about it. Ponder it. Mull it over in your minds.

And can't you just see the dessert that follows?

A huge delectable ice cream sundae,

covered all over with whipped cream and chocolate sauce.

Then right up on the very top of it, an enormous cherry.

Captain: Holy cow!

Joan: I just fell off my diet.

Alonzo: Go on. Why don't you all fall off your diets.

Take a bite, have a nibble.

Fill yourselves to your heart's content.

Anita: Do you know that it's real? It is.

Captain: Beautiful.

Mmm, that's my favorite flavor. Vanilla.

Doc: Well, the captain's finally gone over the brink.

Captain: Alonzo, you really are amazing.

Alonzo: That's true. It's true.

Captain: I mean I really saw an ice cream sundae.

Freda: I never saw anything like that in my life.

Captain: All I can say is that it's absolutely marvelous.

Joan: Tell us how you do it.

Doc: Alonzo. Alonzo, I'm off sweets,

but could you whip me up a rare steak sandwich?

Gopher: And hold the Mayo.

Alonzo: Smile, my darling, this is a pleasure cruise.

Ramona: Oh, some pleasure. I haven't seen you all day.

Alonzo: But you ought to be happy. We're gonna be successful again.

Ramona: I know about the successful days. You were too busy to get married.

And then the bad times you were too poor to get married.

Just when is the right time?

Alonzo: Ramona, please.

Look, darling, tonight is for you. Only you. No illusions.

We'll have your favorite wine and a leisurely dinner, and then we'll dance the night away.

Ramona: You promise?

Alonzo: I promise.

Gopher: Good evening, ma'am. Good evening, amazing.

Alonzo: Oh, good evening, loafer.

Gopher: Ah, sir, it's not loafer...

Alonzo: I'm sorry. Of course, gomer.

Harvey: Excuse me, Mr. Alonzo?

Mr. Alonzo, my name is Harvey greenswine.

Alonzo: How nice for you.

Harvey: Mr. Alonzo, you've got to come over to my table and do something for my friends.

Ramona: Sorry, but not tonight.

Harvey: I promised them.

Alonzo: Oh, he promised them.

Ramona: You wouldn't want anyone to break a promise, would you?

Alonzo: Oh, I knew you'd understand.

Goofer, show madam to our table, please.

Ramona: Well, I guess you might as well, gopher.

Gopher: That's...That's right.

Harvey: Here he is. Here he is. I got him. The amazing Alonzo.

Woman: Oh, Alonzo.

Alonzo: Hello.

Woman: Oh, how do you do?

Alonzo: Oh, so nice to see you.

Woman: Thank you.

Alonzo: Wine?

Woman: Hm-hm.

Alonzo: Well, why are you drinking wine, when there's beer available.

Isaac, do you have the time?

Isaac: Ah, sure.

Alonzo: Quite a head on that beer, hm?

See the head?

See the head?

Isaac: It's...Eight forty-five, exactly.

Can I get you anything else?

Joan: Oh! Isn't that crazy?

Tell us how you do it?

Harvey: That was fan...Fantastic.

Woman: How did you do that?

Just a...Amazing. Amazing, Alonzo.

Joan: Tell us how you do it?

Harvey: Please, Mr. Alonzo, join us. Please.

Woman: Oh, yes, please.

Alonzo: How could I possibly refuse.

Woman: Oh how marvelous.

Harvey: Gee, that's just great.

Captain: Miss bevens.

Excuse me. I was wondering if you might be available to have dinner with me at my table?

Ramona: Available?

Captain, if there's one word that describes me, available is it.

Captain: Right this way.

Julie: You'll sit right over here.

Julie: Well, here we are.

Karen: Julie, I'd be more comfortable in the cabin.

Julie: Karen, we'll have a quiet dinner, just the two of us.

Then maybe we'll take a walk around the deck. Okay?

You will enjoy yourself.

Oh, excuse me. I have to speak with the captain, but I will be right back.

Gopher: Sorry I'm late. Thanks for waiting.

Karen: Julie's sitting there.

Gopher: Gosh, I hope I didn't squish her.

Well, I think we'll start with a dry white wine, something bold but not impertinent.

Julie: Hm-hm.

Gopher: Ah, ceasar salad, pate...

Anita: Excuse me. Where is table twenty-one?

Julie: Oh, I'll show you. Excuse me.

It's right over here, ma'am.

Anita: Oh, thank you.

Gopher: You look very pretty tonight.

Karen: Thank you.

Gopher: I think I look pretty nice myself.

What? No flowers.

This must not be. Excuse me.

Would you mind. I need these for my mom. She's getting married today.

Thank you.

Doc: Where have you been? I ordered this hours ago.

Gopher: Doc, that happens to be my chair.

Doc: I'll give it back to you right after dinner.

Gopher: Doc!

Karen: Excuse me, is this chair taken?

Oh, excuse me.

Gopher: Oh, sorry. I guess you're on your own.

Doc: It worked out just the way we planned. Wine, darling?

P.A. voice: A reminder. Don't forget the Halloween masquerade ball,

tomorrow night in the Karl dining room.

Lucy: Mr. Diller?

Mr. Diller: Hm?

Lucy: Would you, I mean, I know it's a secret,

but would you tell me what it's like being a spy with the CIA?

Mrs. Diller: Honey, he's not a spy.

Mr. Diller: No, honey, I'm a dentist.

Bobby: He's a dentist with the CIA.

Lucy: I thought I was your friend.

I mean, I knew you told lies to other people, but now I knew how Isaac felt.

Bobby: Lucy, you are my friend.

Lucy: That's just another one of your lies.

Mr. Diller: Bobby...

I think it's time we had a little chat.

Mrs. Diller: I think that's a good idea.

Why don't I see you two later?

Mr. Diller: Okay. Come on.

Son, I wish there were a way that I could just talk to you,

and use a couple of father knows best phrasesto straighten everything out.

But it just doesn't work out that way.

To tell you the truth, I'm not so sure father does know best always.

But I'll tell you one thing i'm sure of.

Your mother and I love each other very much.

And as much as we love each other, we love you more.

Come on Bobby, you don't believe me?

Bobby: No! You're gonna leave us again, aren't you? That's what you said last time.

I love you and then goodbye. And then you left and you were gone for a whole year.

Mr. Diller: Okay, I'm not goin' anywhere. I'm not leaving.

Listen, that year that I was away from you two was the worst time of my life.

Bobby: Then why did you go?

Mr. Diller: It's hard to explain.

Listen, your mother and I...

Well there were things that we just didn't know how to say to each other.

And because we didn't know how to say them, we made up stories, or we just didn't say them.

Now it's taken me a year to learn to be honest.

Son, you've got to be honest with people.

You can't be phony, otherwise your whole life is phony.

Bobby: Was that one of those anal...Analogies?

Mr. Diller: Analogies?

Yeah. I guess it was, yeah.

Hey, that's pretty good.

Bobby: Dad, I'm gonna try as hard as I can never to lie anymore.

Mr. Diller: Okay.

That means we both got somethin' hard to work at. Come on.

Bobby: Dad?

Mr. Diller: What?

Bobby: Did you ever think about being a spy?

Ramona: You promised me an evening together and then you run off,

leaving me to sit like a lump alone. Alone.

Alonzo: You're upset.

Ramona: Listen, when people get upset they yell.

I want to kill you.

Alonzo: Well, Ramona, can I help it? I'm a star and stars have obligations.

Ramona: I suppose I'm one of your obligations.

Alonzo: Oh, please, Ramona be reasonable.

Why are you acting like this? Especially now with everything coming together!

Ramona: Everything except us.

Alonzo: Oh, I will never understand women.

Karen: Thank you, both. It's been a wonderful evening.

Gopher: For me, too.

Doc: Yeah. Most of it.

Karen: Shhh. Julie may be sleeping.

Gopher: How 'bout breakfast tomorrow?

Doc: I...I've already asked her.

Gopher: How 'bout lunch?

Doc: I've already asked her.

Gopher: How...

Doc: I've already asked her.

Gopher: How could you have asked her if you don't even know what I was gonna ask her?

Doc: Because anything you would think of, I would have already thought of before.

You see, I'm always way ahead of you.

Gopher: Oh! Will you excuse us a moment? Could I see you over here?

You know something, doc, you're starting to get on my nerves.

Doc: Well, I'm way ahead of you again,

because you've been getting on my nerves for the past three hours.

Gopher: Oh. All right. Okay, we're gonna let Karen decide who she wants to be with, all right?

Doc: Okay, sucker.

Gopher: Oh, sucker.

Doc: Mm-hm.

Gopher: Mm.

Doc: Care for a nightcap?

Gopher: Who's buying?

Doc: Isaac.

Gopher: Deal.

Captain: Miss bevens.

Ramona: Captain, do you mind if I talk to you for a minute?

Captain: Well, of course not. Please, come right in.

Ramona: I know it's terribly late and I do apologize,

but I was wondering if you had another cabin available.

Captain: Another cabin? I'm afraid we don't. But what do you want another cabin for?

Ramona: I just can't go back to him again. I can't.

Captain: Alonzo?

You know, this is none of my business, but...

Frankly I'm surprised you've stayed with him this long.

Ramona: I love him. I know I shouldn't, but I do.

Captain: It's ironic.

He can make us see what isn't there, and he can't see what is.

Come on,

you can stay in my cabin and I'll sleep out here.

Ramona: Oh, no, I couldn't do that.

Captain: Now, now, I'll be perfectly comfortable.

Ramona: Oh, thank you. Are you sure?

Captain: Now don't argue with the captain of the ship, or I'll make you walk the plank.

Alonzo: Ramona?

Ah, poor darling. Doesn't she know there are maids to make up the bed?

Julie: Hey, sleepyhead.

Time to get up. Your breakfast dates will be here soon.

Karen: Yeah.

Oh. Those two are really something.

Julie: Mm-hm.

Karen: Oh, I had a ball last night.

Julie: Well, when you've got it, you've got it.

Karen: Julie?

Julie: Yeah?

Karen: Can I ask you something?

Did you put them up to it?

Julie: What?

Karen: Did you ask doc and gopher to pay all that attention to me last night?

Julie: No, I'm afraid that idea was entirely their own.

Karen: I wish I could believe you.

Julie: Well, believe it.

Because it's true.

I've got to get to work.

But how 'bout you meet me at the beauty parlor at about two o'clock?

I've made appointments for both of us.

Karen: What good's a beauty parlor going to do me?

Julie: Karen, you've had a really tough time, and now you think everyone's pitying you.

But here's some news for you the only one pitying you, is you.

Karen: Thanks, friend.

Julie: I gotta get to work.

Joan: Oh! You're so pretty.

Anita: Joan you don't say pretty. They're handsome.

Women: [Talking, saying hello]

Joan: Oh. Isn't it beautiful.

Bobby: Hi, Lucy.

Lucy: Oh, go away! I don't want to hear any more of your stories.

Bobby: Please. Can't we be friends?

I'll introduce you to the fonz. He's my big brother.

He's not my brother. I don't even know him.

Joan: Yoo-hoo. Alonzo!

Oh.

Alonzo: Well, well, well...

Good morning, lovely ladies.

All: Good morning.

Alonzo: Or should I just say fans.

Joan: I'm your extra special number one fan.

Alonzo: Well then, I shall do an extra special number one illusion, just for you.

All: Oh...

Alonzo: Now, open your purse, my dear.

Anita: Isn't this exciting.

Ramona: Merrill.

Captain: Oh, yes, Ramona.

Ramona: I...I left my lipstick in your cabin last night,

and I wondered if you had the key so I could get it.

Captain: Oh, why sure.

Well, I must have left them on the bridge. I'll call my steward and he'll let you in.

Joan: Alonzo, honey. What about my illusion?

Alonzo: Oh...Yes if you would pardon me just a moment.

Freda: What's the matter with him?

Anita: Well, what did you say?

Freda: Did you say something wrong?

Joan: I don't think so. I hope I didn't say something wrong.

All: [Yalling]

Alonzo: Ramona.

Did I overhear you say that you spent some time last night in the captain's cabin?

Ramona: I spent all night last night in the captain's cabin.

We're through. It's over.

Goodbye, Alonzo.

How's that for a neat trick?

Captain: Yes, that's the right one.

Joan: Come on, Alonzo.

Alonzo: Oh yes, well, open your purse, my dear, and you'll...

You'll find a...A million dollars.

All: A million dollars?

Joan: You must have meant after taxes.

Alonzo: Alonzo's amazing. I...Didn't say he was perfect.

Joan: Well, it was a trick.

A cheap trick. But it was a trick.

Gopher: Amazing Alonzo, could I have a quick word with you?

Alonzo: Oh, grover, please. Not now. I haven't an illusion left in me.

Gopher: Oh, no, no, no. I need your help with a girl.

Alonzo: Well, write dear Abby. Maybe I should try that.

Gopher: See I've got this problem.

Alonzo: Who hasn't?

Gopher: And her name is Karen and I'm crazy about her.

Alonzo: Well, I hope the two of you live happily ever after.

Gopher: But there's a snake in the wood pile. You see, doc likes her, too.

Alonzo: Well, I hope the three of you live happily ever after.

Gopher: See, what I was hoping was that you could do a little hypnotic number on the doctor,

and maybe convince him to get out of the race, like not be interested in Karen anymore.

Alonzo: Roper, does that mean you'll stop bugging me?

Gopher: Oh, yeah, yeah.

Alonzo: Okay. Okay, I'll...I'll give him a post hypnotic suggestion.

Gopher: Will it hurt?

Alonzo: Oh, goper.

Gopher: What?

Now look I'll set it up so that every time the girl's name is mentioned...

Gopher: Karen.

Alonzo: Every time Karen's name is mentioned, the doctor will say,

you have Karen. She's perfect for you.

Gopher: Every time Karen's name is mentioned? Terrific.

Alonzo: Well, of course it's terrific. I am the amazing Alonzo. Where's the doctor?

Gopher: Ah, he's right over there. He's the silly looking guy with the glasses.

Looks sort of like a snake in the woods.

Alonzo: Doctor.

Gopher: Hi, doc.

Doc: Oh, hi. Hi, gopher.

Gopher: Gosh, you know, somebody was looking for you.

Gosh, who was that now? Gosh...

Let me see...I've got it. It was...It was Karen.

Doc: Karen? Oh, gopher, thank you.

I'm so glad you've come to your senses and finally given up.

She's perfect for me.

Gopher: Alonzo!

P.A. voice: The captain's Halloween masquerade ball

is now in progress in the Carlton dining room.

Karen: Then doc put a hot pepper into gopher's sandwich

and gopher couldn't speak for ten minutes.

Julie: Do you still think I put 'em up to all this?

Karen: Julie?

Julie: Yeah?

Karen: How do I look?

Julie: Beautiful, except for one thing.

Karen: What?

Julie: You don't need the veil.

Karen: One step at a time, okay?

And you look perfect.

Julie: Meow.

Isaac: Here you go! Get your red hot punch right here.

Hey, doc.

Try this.

Doc: What's in it, Isaac?

Isaac: The usual.

Bat wings, scorpion tails and a dash of hemlock to bring out the flavor.

Doc: No wonder it tastes rotten. You left out the eye of the salamander.

Isaac: What'll you have?

Gopher: What else? A bloody Mary.

Captain: Have you seen Alonzo?

Joan: Frankly, we haven't been looking.

Freda: Ah, what a bust he turned out to be.

Every illusion he's tried today has been a great big zero.

Captain: Yes. Well, I have to find him. He's got a show to do.

Anita: Well, good luck to him.

Captain: By the way, you look lovely.

Alonzo: Ramona?

Captain: Captain stubing.

Alonzo: Oh.

Captain: Alonzo, open this door!

Alonzo: Well, are you here to gloat?

Captain: No, I'm here to tell you that everyone is waiting and ready for you.

Alonzo: Oh. Yes, well, at the moment I am unable to produce any illusion...

Other than failure.

Despite my protestations to the contrary, it seems that I...

I need the sweet, steadying hand of Ramona.

But that is not to be, since you have stolen her from me.

Captain: Stolen? She's in love with you.

Alonzo: Yes, of course. That's why she's sharing a cabin with you.

Captain: Oh, for Pete's sake.

That is the only thing we've shared. You're the man she wants.

Now look, I have got a ballroom full of passengers

waiting to see something spectacular to happen.

So you be up there in ten minutes.

Alonzo: Do I have an alternative?

Captain: Yes. Five minutes!

Julie: Meow.

I just wanted to thank you guys for making Karen's trip so terrific.

Doc: Oh, don't thank me, Julie. I'm nuts about the girl.

Gopher: I'm trying to get doc to bow out and leave Karen to me.

Doc: Bow out, ooh, oohh.

Captain: Look, I won't keep you. I know you want to be with your friends.

Karen: Thank you, captain.

Gopher: I mean, let's face it, doc. There's no point in both of us being with her.

After all, one of us could be free to play the field, all night.

Doc: You're right. She is Julie's friend.

And I wouldn't want to let down our cruise director.

Julie: Hey, why don't you guys just do it the fair way?

One of you flip a coin and whoever loses will just have to suffer.

Gopher: Okay with me. What do you say, furface?

Doc: All right, paste-o.

Call it.

Gopher: Heads.

Doc: Too bad. You lose.

Gopher: Wait a minute. I didn't even get to see it.

Doc: Oh, sorry.

Bobby: Mom, dad! There's a girl out on the deck. She's gonna jump off the rail!

Mr. Diller: Hey, Bobby, I thought we were all finished with that stuff.

Bobby: No, really!

Mr. Diller: Listen, do you remember our talk?

You remember what you promised? Bobby?

Bobby: Someone's gonna jump overboard. A girl. You better come.

Isaac: Is that a fact? Well, I'll tell you what.

You tell her to go ahead and jump and then we'll pick her up on our way back to L.A.

Bobby: Lucy, you've got to come with me.

A girl's gonna commit suicide. We gotta help her.

Lucy: Oh, drop dead.

Bobby: No, this time you gotta believe me.

Lucy: No!

Bobby: Lady please! Don't jump!

Karen: Go away.

Lucy: Why do you want to hurt yourself?

Karen: You'd never understand.

Bobby: I would.

When my dad left my mom and went away with that other lady, I felt bad. Real bad. Like you.

My mom was crying all the time, and even though I tried to make it up to her, I just couldn't.

I felt like you do now. But then they got back together and everything was okay.

Karen: It's not that easy for me.

Bobby: Wait! Wait!

That's not the end of my story.

My dad left my mom again and...

And she committed...Committed...She killed herself.

She took a whole bunch of pills and now she's gone and I can't tell her how much I loved her.

I'll never be able to tell her that again.

Why did she have to do that? Why?

Karen: Don't cry.

It's all right, sweetheart. Don't cry.

Doc: There she is.

Gopher: Karen!

Doc: You're my date for the evening.

Gopher: He cheated.

Doc: I won the toss.

Gopher: Tell him, I get the first dance.

Wait a minute, you've been crying.

Doc: Hey. You okay?

Karen: I...

Lucy: Bobby was telling her a sad story.

Gopher: Well?

Karen: Well, what?

Doc: Well, who gets the next dance?

Karen: He does.

Mr. Diller: Oh, Bobby...

You're not causing any trouble, are you?

Karen: No. Believe me, he isn't.

Mrs. Diller: Well, if he is, just let me know.

I'm his mother.

Karen: His mother?

You lied to me.

Bobby: Yeah...But it's my last lie.

Captain: Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please.

It is my privilege to present to you the one and only,

the amazing Alonzo!

Alonzo: Ladies and gentlemen, I am often asked, how do you do these illusions?

How do you make them happen?

Well, my answer is, you can make anything happen if you want it badly enough.

Sometimes the problem is that, well....

Sometimes the problem is that we...Don't know what we want till it's too late.

I hope it isn't too late.

And so, the illusion of illusions.

Tonight you are undergoing the greatest change of your lives.

A transmogrification of a most unique nature.

You are no longer flesh and blood, bone and sinew.

You are ice, granite, marble.

A ballroom filled with the greatest statues the world has ever seen.

Ramona.

Ramona: Congratulations. You've proved a point.

You are a star of stars. Everyone fades before you.

Alonzo: Everyone except you.

Ramona, I love you.

Ramona: Those are just words, Alonzo.

Alonzo: Wendell.

Ramona: Huh?

Alonzo: My real name is Wendell morden.

Ramona: The amazing Wendell morden?

If you hadn't told me about it all these years, why tell me now?

Alonzo: Well, why not? Hm?

You'll see it on the marriage license.

Gopher: Isn't that amazing?

Captain: What are you...Isaac.

Have you been drinking?

Isaac: Sir, of course I haven't.

Would you like to try some of this?

Bobby: I'd like to come and visit you,

but my parents are trying to get their marriage together, so maybe we should wait.

Mr. Diller: Bobby.

Mrs. Diller: Bobby.

Bobby: You wanted me to tell the truth.

Captain: Alonzo, it was a marvelous cruise.

You were incredible, unbelievable.

Ramona: Of course. He's amazing.

Captain: Well, it's nice to see you two back together again.

For a while there, it looked like things weren't working out too well.

Alonzo: Captain, that was just an illusion.

A very bad illusion that the world will never see again.

Thank you.

Captain: Goodbye. Good luck.

Ramona: Bonsoir.

Captain: Ramona.

Karen: Goodbye, Julie.

Julie: We're gonna see each other real soon.

Karen: Oh, I wish there was something more I could say.

Thank you seems so inadequate.

We say thank you when someone opens the door or checks your coat.

I wish I could find a better way to express how I feel.

Julie: You don't have to, that smile says it all. Bye bye.

Karen: I'd like you to have this because I'm not gonna need it anymore.

Julie: Well, thank you.

Doc: Can I call you at home?

Gopher: Don't be surprised if I pick up the phone, right Karen?

Karen: The answer is an emphatic, yes.

Doc: Who to?

Gopher: To me.

Doc: No, she meant me.

Karen: I'll tell you what. Flip a coin.

Bye bye.

Julie: Bye.

Doc: Some guys never learn.