Original subtitles

♪ Love...♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ come aboard ♪

♪ we're expecting you ♪

♪ and love...♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ let it flow ♪

♪ it floats back to you ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ soon will be making another run ♪

♪ the love boat ♪

♪ promises something for everyone ♪

♪ set a course for adventure your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ and love ♪

♪ won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ it's an open smile ♪

♪ on a friendly shore yes, love ♪

♪ welcome aboard, it's love ♪

What can I say gopher, I love this ship.

Me too.

But if Julie asks me once more if her parents got here yet,

I'm gonna jump over the side.

Ahhh....

Gopher?

Did my parents get here yet?

Try not to make too big a splash.

Not yet, Julie.

Well, will you keep your eye out for me, please?

You can't miss them.

My father's....

Ahh...distinguished and your mom looks more like your sister?

Yeah.

I'm sorry. I'm boring you guys.

Gopher: Hey, no.

We're kidding.

They sound great.

Two people who still hold hands after thirty years of marriage.

Julie: Now you sure you know what they look like?

Yeah.

Bye.

I'm Patricia selden.

Holy cow!

Excuse me.

I think you should know that the cow is sacred to the hindus.

And reference to cows in this context could be considered offensive to some people.

I...i didn't mean anything.

It's important that we be precise in what we say.

Ah, so, miss selden, you're sharing a cabin on the fiesta deck.

That's f one-thirty-three.

Thank you...

Thank you.

Phew....what a prude.

Somebody ought to warn her cabin-mate.

Well, if you want to be the bearer of bad tidings...

Her cabin-mate is some poor woman named Marion atkins.

I'm Marion atkins.

Well, hello, Mr. Atkins.

Yes.

You're on the fiesta deck.

Cabin f one-thirty-three.

Can I get somebody to take my luggage to my room?

Certainly.

Just ask any steward.

Oh, steward....

Ah, no, sir, that's captain stubing.

Oh, captain, I'm glad we've met.

Allow me to favor you with one of my pamphlets.

Oh...

"Make life the business of living."

Makes you stop and think, doesn't it?

I'm sorry, but I don't have time to stop and think now.

I have to sail the ship.

Thank you, sir.

Do you think the...The captain would allow me to hand out some

of my pamphlets aboard ship?

Well...

"Idle hands make no gloves..." Ah, no, sir I don't think he'd mind.

But here, I'm sure you would like this one back.

No, that's all right.

I've got two suitcases full.

Oh...

Ah, hey...Isn't this great.

Big deal.

It's a boat.

Ah, come on. Look at the size of it.

So it's a big boat.

Why do we have to go on this old boat, anyway?

Rosemary, dear...

Mom....

Okay...

Rocky.

Look, the team can get along without you for one little game.

Little game?!

That's like calling Donny osmond a little singer.

Look, honey, may...Maybe it's a good idea for the team to play without you.

I mean, what would happen if they...Had to get along without you for a long time?

Well, why would they have to?

I'm gonna play baseball for the rest of my life.

Move it or lose it!.....

Ooh, I'm sorry.

You okay?

Rocky: Yeah, I'm fine, but you're gonna kill yourself if

you don't get a little front-side control.

I'm sorry.

Are you being a pain in the neck?

Oh, don't worry. He's just fine.

Aah, thank you.

Can you do a wheelie?

Uh-uh.

A cinch.

Not bad.

Thanks.

Come on!...

Well...those two are really hitting it off.

Normie's thirteen.

How old is your son?

Our son is a daughter.

Oh, have my parents....

We're just going out to check.

Mom!

Dad!...

Daddy!

Oh...

Mom and dad, this is gopher and doc.

Hi.

Bill: How are you?

Julie is planning to make this the best vacation you two have ever had.

Mhmm!

Male voice: Miss McCoy to the promenade deck, please.

Well, if I ever get to see you.

Well, I'm glad you're here.

Martha: Bye.

We'll show them to your cabin.

Right.

This way.

Julie says you've been married for thirty years.

You sure don't look it.

The sooner we get this over with the better.

You're right. I can't keep up this charade any longer.

Pat: Thank you for not smoking...

"Dear cabin-mate...

Since I arrived first, I took the Liberty of assigning the top

two drawers and the left side of the closet to myself.

I generally bathe at six A.M....I hope this will not disturb you.

Signed, your cabin-mate.

P.s.

Thank you for not smoking."...

"P.p.s...or littering."

Marion: Sorry

here...here...

Thank you.

"P.p.s...or littering." Now he's my kind of roomie.

Rocky: I can do wheelies on a bike.

Normie: I can do them on motorcycles.

You've driven a motorcycle?

Millions of times.

Well, I've driven my dad's car.

Well, I've driven a pick-up.

Well, I've driven a...A cement mixer.

You have not.

Well, I could if I wanted to.

When do you think we should tell her?

Oh, I don't know.

Certainly not now.

She's having too much fun.

You really think she'll react that badly to the idea of moving?

She's never been out of Denver, rod.

Oh, I think there'll be a tear or two.

I'm gonna cry a few myself.

I mean it's not easy leaving everyone you know...

But then kids make friends so easily.

Hey...you will, too.

I already have my best friend.

I think this booklet is just wonderful.

Thank you for giving it to me.

Oh, it was my pleasure...

Miss...

I'm sorry, I don't know your name.

Miss seldon

miss seldon.

I'm Mr. Atkins.

Pat: Oh, Mr. Atkins...

You're the author.

Well...

I must say I'm a bit surprised...

Finding a man of your calling on a cruise ship.

Well, I always like to go where the biggest challenge is.

You know that last year on my vacation I distributed four

suitcases of these pamphlets...In Las Vegas.

One cannot help but admire your commitment.

I was thrown out of four different gambling casinos.

A martyr.

I like that in a man.

Thank you.

Miss seldon...

I hope you don't think I'm being too forward, but would you like

to go to the lounge with me and join me in a nice,

tall, cool...Lemonade?

Well...why not...

I'm here to live it up...

Mr. Atkins, you amaze me.

You always say the right things.

Well, not when confronted with a

member of the fairer sex, darn it.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to say darn it.

You shouldn't have said...Sex.

You're absolutely right.

Please accept my apology.

Oh, no need to apologize.

Even the best of us can stumble.

How true.

Fortunately, there are people like you around to keep us from falling.

If only the people at the network could understand that...

They sent me on this cruise...

I'm a television censor.

Television censor...

What an admirable profession.

And this cruise is your reward for a job well done?

Quite the contrary.

They think I'm narrow-minded and that I should experience more of life...

They're wrong, of course.

I am an extremely enlightened woman.

And actually, I think of myself as being quite hep...Or is it hip?

Miss seldon...?

Uh-huh?

Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?

Oh...

I'd be delighted...But I have to change first.

I'll walk you to your cabin.

Pat: Mr. Atkins....Not on our first date.

Of course.

It's really nice to finally meet you, captain.

We've heard so many fine things about you from Julie.

Well, you should be very proud of your daughter, Mrs. McCoy.

What she does on this ship is extremely important, and she

does it better than anyone I've ever sailed with.

Well, thank you, sir.

Well, if you hold that over my head to get a raise, I'll deny I ever said it.

Yes, sir.

Well, your daughter says you have a thirtieth anniversary coming up.

So why don't we celebrate it here on the ship...Our last night out?

Bill: Oh...

Julie: Oh, a party.

I think that's a super idea.

See?

I told you I had a great boss.

If you ever hold that over my head, I'll deny it.

P.A. voice: Miss McCoy to the lido deck.

Miss McCoy to the lido deck, please.

Well, maybe I'll get to see you at the party.

Bye bye.

Well, that's some young lady you raised.

My compliments...

Is something wrong?

Well, we have something to tell Julie and...

It just couldn't be said on the phone...Or in a letter.

Martha: This isn't exactly a pleasure cruise.

We came to tell her we're getting a divorce.

Rocky!

Come on, honey.

Thanks I didn't miss it.

Linda: Hi.

Arlene: Hi there.

Rod: Hi.

Linda: Great dinner, huh?

The best.

Master Martin here was getting a little antsy, so I decided to move on.

Can I be excused, mom?

Can we go and hang out?

Ah, sure.

Just be kind to your fellow passengers, please.

She means don't bug anybody...

Mm, normie!

Come on.

Sit down.

Oh, thank you.

Rocky's wearing her formal jeans for this occasion.

At our house dress is a dirty word.

Oh, at our place a tie is verboten...

Don't worry, she'll be wearing dresses soon enough.

If I remember correctly, it happens at the same time you get interested in boys.

She's still interested in boys.

Hi.

How's your dinner?

Bill: Fine.

Julie: Good.

But I sure wish we could catch you sitting down.

Okay.

I'm all yours.

Julie....

Oh, gopher...

Gopher, come on and join us.

Okay?

Oh.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Good evening.

Having a nice cruise?

Bill: Fine.

Martha: Oh, yes. Thank you.

Gopher: Terrific.

Gopher, I see that miss seldon has made a conquest.

Mmm...who's the unlucky guy?

The one who's handing out all those pamphlets.

Marion atkins.

Marion is a guy?

Julie: Uh-huh.

I checked him in myself.

Cabin f-one-thirty-three.

Oh, boy...Somebody goofed.

Why?

Mr. Atkins and miss seldon are sharing the same cabin.

I haven't heard any complaints.

Well, I guess you just can't judge a pamphlet by its cover.

Ms. Seldon, would you allow me to make a rather bold suggestion?

Why, yes, of course.

I think that we should celebrate this evening with something

special....like a...A bottle of cold duck.

Cold duck?

But, Mr. Atkins, you never told me that you....

I...i don't usually...

Let's make it half a bottle.

Hold it...

I smell danger, starsky.

I read ya, hutch.

If that bomb goes off it'll blow up half the city.

We have to defuse it.

Well, no sense both of us risking our lives.

You wait here.

I'll handle this.

Don't you play hero with me, buddy boy.

You know there are ghosts on this ship...

Ghosts of dead sailors...Eaten by sharks.

Cut it out.

Ever see a sailor once a shark gets done with him?

It's not a pretty sight.

His head's bit in half...His arms are all mangled...

Cut it out.

And his guts are dripping out.....

I'm the ghost of the mangled sailor and you've had it...

I'm gonna take you and throw you to the sharks...And they're

gonna mangle you...And they're gonna bite your head off...

Well?

Julie, it's too crowded here.

Let's go down to our cabin.

Well, a little later. Okay?

First I want to see you two dance together.

All right?

Come on.

Come on!

And now ladies and gentlemen, here's a very special song for a

very special couple...

Love is a many splendored thing...

Well mom...

Dad, what's the matter?

I asked them to play your favorite song and you walk off the dance floor.

Julie, dear, we have to talk to you and...We just can't do it here.

Let's not drag this out anymore...

Your mother and I are getting a divorce.

Wh...what?

You're not serious?

I'm afraid we are.

No!

No!!!

Arlene...you're sure you're not sorry we're making this move?

Am I giving that impression?

You seem a little down tonight.

Oh, rod...You know I...

I'd go anywhere in the world with you.

Why?

Can you just tell me why?

Look, honey...When...When you left home and there were no more children in the house, for

the first time in twenty years your father and I were alone together.

We...we found out that we didn't have as much in common as we thought.

But, daddy, you love each other.

We're comfortable with each other, but...

Well, we...We felt that there was something more out there...For both of us.

And whatever that something is...If...If we don't find it now, it's gonna be gone forever.

Can you understand that?

No!

No, I can't understand that.

I'll never understand that!

Captain: Julie...

Well, captain, i'm...

I'm glad I ran into you.

I have to talk to you about that party for my parents.

I know...

I know all about it...

Look, if there's anything I can do.

You're doing it...

Mr. Atkins, do you think we've had too much cold duck?

What cold duck?

Oh...

Oh, my goodness...

I think I'd better turn in.

I think it's a wise course.

I'm gonna take a walk...

That's the trouble with cold duck.

Afterwards you have to take a cold shower.

I don't know how the fonz can do it.

Do what?

You know...Kissing.

The fonz does it?

Well, he's always talking about it.

He must have done it.

You ever?

Are you weird?

If the fonz does it, maybe it's worth...You know...Checkin' out.

You mean us?

You're bananas.

If it's awful...We can stop.

And if not...

What's the matter, you chicken?

No way.

Okay...you want to start?

Well, what's wrong with you starting?

Oh, brother...

Okay, we'll do it together.

Count to three.

One...two...two and a half...Two and three quarters...

Three!...

It was a gross-out, wasn't it?

A super colossal gross-out...

Well, it's getting late.

I better go find my folks.

And here I was telling you guys they had the perfect marriage.

Any chance they'll change their minds?

I really don't think so.

I'm sure a lot of soul searching went into their decision.

Julie, sometimes a couple starts drifting apart and the next

thing you know...They've drifted so far, they can't stop

themselves.

Julie, you can't live their lives for them.

You're just gonna have to go along with whatever they want.

And if that's a divorce...Maybe you should just try to make

things easier for them.

You mean help them?

It's a tough time for them, Julie.

Maybe you're right...

Maybe I should help them...

Yeah, thanks guys...

You've always been there when I needed you...

Thanks.

Nice goin', guys.

We did it again.

Did what?

Hey, mom and dad...

Oh, listen I'm really sorry about the way I was earlier.

I was angry and upset and I'm sorry.

If a divorce is what you two want, then that's what you should have.

I knew you'd understand.

Now, in the meantime, it's pretty silly for the two of you to have to share a cabin.

So mom, you come stay with me.

Oh, no, really...

No, it's no imposition at all. Really.

I'll have a steward come get your bags and dad, we'll see in the morning.

Come on, mom...

Come on.

Hello in there!

I... I'm your cabin-mate...

We...we must have missed each other last night.

I must have been sleeping...

Hello?

Can you hear me?

I... I'd like to introduce myself.

Good morning.

Oh....good morning, gopher.

Have you seen Mr. Atkins this morning?

Wasn't he in the cabin with you?

I beg your pardon.

What kind of a person do you think I am?...

He must still be sleeping.

Well, if you should see him, will you please tell him that I will be on the lido deck?

Sure...

But if he's still sleeping...

I mean if you two are....If he's in....Um....

Good morning, mom.

How did you sleep last night?

Not very well.

The first time I remember

sleeping in a bed without your dad.

Oh, well, you're gonna have to get used to that one.

Now, come on up and at 'em.

It's a beautiful day and I want to take you up to meet some of our swinging singles.

Oh, now, Julie, don't do this.

Well, what's holding you back, mom.

You're a beautiful woman.

You gotta get out there and mix and mingle.

Julie, please.

Mom, this is what I do for a living.

I make sure that everybody's having a good time.

You said you felt there was more out there.

Now go on out and grab some of it.

Coming up on deck?

In a while, mom.

Okay.

Mom?

Hm-hm?

Am I weird looking?

No way...

And you're a heck of a lot prettier than any pitcher in the majors.

"The scent of her perfume wafted to him.

Her diaphanous gown clung to her in the breeze.

Clive was overcome by her beauty.

He pulled her close and kissed her...And kissed her...And

kissed her..."

Mom, you've wasted an entire morning just sitting here alone.

You've gotta get out there and meet and greet.

Julie, I haven't done anything like that for years.

Well, you've got to get rid of your inhibitions...

Isaac...come on...

Isaac, my mother needs something to...Get her off the launching pad.

Isaac: I have just the thing.

I call this my bloody Arnold Schwarzenegger.

What's in it?

I don't know.

But I do know that it's stronger than a bloody Mary.

Go ahead, mom.

Drink it.

Ahaaa....this must be the single lady you've been telling me about.

You weren't kidding.

She is a knockout.

Martha...

Joel...

Joel...

Martha.

How do you do?

Two's company, three's a drag.

Honey, do I have plans for us...

A couple of drinks...A stroll around the deck and then...We're not kids anymore...

My cabin or yours?

Hi.

Boy, are you in luck.

Those three ladies are free as birds...

Come on.

Ladies, I'd like you all to meet bill.

All: Oh, hello...

Bill: Hello.

And may the best woman win.

Well, bill...Are you travelling alone?

No...well, yes...Yes in a way.

You see bill's almost single.

Louise: Oh...Oh, well, the doctors says there's a lot of that going around.

I got divorced myself last year...For the third time....

Ah well, easy come...Easy go.

Hey, mom!

You want to see a terrific card trick?

You won't even see me put the aces up my sleeve.

I hope not.

You don't have a shirt on....

Where's rocky?

I don't know. I haven't seen her all day.

Arlene.....

Hm?...

Darling, don't stare.

You'll just make her feel self-conscious.

Honey, you look beautiful.

I do?

Oh, you sure do.

What's that stink?

I dunno.

It's you.

I happen to be wearing perfume.

What'd you do? Dump a gallon on yourself?

Normie, that's really rude.

Why don't you and rocky go on and play?

Normie: Okay.

Wanna go swimming?

Probably stink up the whole pool.

I better not. I might get my hair wet.

So what?

Well, it took a long time to get it this way.

Normie: Swimming's not gonna hurt that hair.

Normie!

Okay.

You don't want to swim, you want to go skateboarding?

Not in this dress.

It's too diaphanous.

Well, how about a race? I'll beat you to the bow...

Not in these shoes.

That's right.

Well, take the dumb shoes off.

They go with the dress.

Rocky, what happened to you?

You used to be fun.

Now you're a drag.

A great big smelly drag.

All right, normie, I want you to apologize right this minute.

Arlene: Honey, I...

I think I'd better handle this one.

They sure don't leave much to the imagination do they?

Well, of course, if you wore a bikini, I'm sure that your

natural purity would shine through despite your nakedness.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to say naked...

Ah look, I said it again.

Oh, that's all right.

My prurient interest was not aroused...

Do you really think I'd look good in a bikini?

Frankly, I think you'd look good in anything.

Ms. Seldon, last night... On the deck...

I came very near to kissing you.

I have a confession to make.

I wouldn't have minded if you had.

We must be strong.

I'll need your help.

Oh, rocky...You poor kid.

Being a girl is such a pain.

Well, normie didn't mean to say those things.

He...he just expected his old buddy....Not a glamorous young woman.

I'm not glamorous.

I look like a freak...

Boy, I can't win...

If I do the things I like to do, everybody yells at me to dress like a girl.

And when I dress like a girl, I'm an object of ridicule.

Oh...

We're really proud of you, rocky...And the things you do so well.

But sometimes we just forget to tell you...

And we think you're beautiful, too...

That's why we try to dress you up and put you on display.

But what you've got, rocky...The important qualities...

You don't depend on what you look like...

Now you be yourself...Say what you think...And learn to be good at the things you like...

Don't ever change, honey...

No matter who tries...Including your mother and father.

Thanks, mom...

But I didn't put the dress on for you.

You didn't?

I...i put it on for normie.

Oh....

Honey, there's a young man outside to see you.

There is?

Yeah.

Okay...

Wait a minute....

Burn this.

Rock...

Hi.

You know in El Paso I play for the bluebirds.

And our pitcher he stinks.

So what?

So your dad tells me you have a great curve ball...Which our team could really use.

You're brilliant, normie.

What am I supposed to do, drop in from Denver once a week?

Your dad told me you're gonna move.

What?!

You never told me that.

Well, we were going to tell you this week while we were on the cruise.

Well, I'm not moving.

Not to some dumb old town where everybody's probably a gorp and I don't know anybody.

El Paso's not dumb.

How do you know?

I happen to live there, stupid.

Oh.

You do?

That's right.

And it's not dumb.

It's neat.

And you'll be living two blocks away from us.

Oh!...

Do they have a skateboard park?

Uh-uh.

Oh well...

But they're building one next spring.

And they'll have three expert runs.

Wow!

And we have slalom competitions at the parking lot after school.

That's great.

School's all right, but you gotta be careful for Mr. snelgrove.

If you don't do your homework, he makes a jerk out of you in front of the whole school...

We call him sniffy.

Sniffy snelgrove.

'Cause he's always making these sniffling noises.

He goes like this...

"Class...would you please....."

Mom, when will we be moving?

Not for three months, dear.

Oh.

Well...you can't have everything.

Normie, wait for me.

Pat: Is something bothering you?

Yes.

Holding you like this.

It's fun.

Must fun always be wrong?

Well...maybe not with you...

Ms. Seldon, last night I had an opportunity

to kiss you and I didn't take it.

And then this afternoon, I had another opportunity and I didn't take it.

Sometimes opportunity knocks three times...

Shall we go to your cabin?

I have a roommate.

How 'bout your cabin?

I have a roommate, too.

Oh, shucks.

Mr. Atkins...Do you realize what we're saying?

I...i am totally to blame.

No, no, I led you astray.

No, I went willingly...Willingly.

How strong the mind, how weak the flesh.

We must never see each other again.

Thank you.

Thank you for your strength.

It was nice knowing you, Mr. Atkins.

Bye, miss seldon.

Miss seldon...You all right?

To tell you the truth, no.

I think I'm getting a little cold.

Well, you looked just fine on the dance floor.

That was before the music stopped.

Oh, the band'll be back in a couple of minutes.

Only Mr. Atkins can bring back the music.

Ah, now I think I can complete my diagnosis.

You're love sick.

What do you prescribe?

Well, I usually prescribe an ocean voyage.

Mom, why did you turn down that nice Joel Kirby?

I thought I had a great match going between you two.

I just don't feel like dancing.

Oh, you mean with him.

Well, who would you like to dance with?

You name any man in the room, and I'll get him over here for you...

Mom, I thought you had this all figured out.

This is what being single is all about...

Well, isn't it what you'd expected?

I guess I didn't know what to expect.

I just wanted some freedom.

Freedom?

Freedom to do what?

I don't know, Julie.

I don't know.

Excuse me.

Would you like to dance?

Yes, I'd love to.

Well, Billy baby, are you going to call me when you're a free man?

I'm not sure I want to be a free man.

How are you doing?

Terrible.

How 'bout you?

Worse...

This being single is too much like work.

It sure is.

You know, I've been thinking...Maybe the effort

would be better spent on a relationship that's already

lasted almost thirty years...

That's my round about way of saying...

I love you.

Bill, you can say it anyway you want.

You know something?

You're great.

And I'll never deny I said it.

Thank you.

Oh...

Oh...

Mr. Atkins!

Oooh...

Miss seldon.

Mr. Atkins, what is the meaning of this?

Miss seldon, I thought that we agreed to resist temptation.

Mr. Atkins, I think you should go back to your own cabin.

Miss seldon...It's just that I am in my own cabin.

Don't be silly.

This is my cabin.

Oh, no.

Look, miss seldon, here is my key...

Here's your key...Look see...

Pat/marion: F-one-three--three.....

They made a mistake.

We've been roommates all this time.

Oh, what must people think?

Well, they probably think we're....

But we're not.

We could.

What?

We could.

Miss seldon...

Miss seldon... Will you marry me?

Oh, yes...yes...yes...yes...yes...

Oh!

As soon...As soon as we dock...We'll find a justice of the peace.

Oh...oh, but what about tonight?

Tonight?

Tonight?...

Tonight?!...

We better wait.

Yes...yes, let's.

Marion/pat: Let's not.

Pat: Holy cow!!

Marion: What?

Holy cow!!

Announcer: "The love boat" will contiue in a moment.

Well, I guess we better round up the munchkins, or we'll never make that plane.

Right...

I'll write you every day.

I'll write twice a day.

Don't go crazy...

Listen, at school we have this dance.

You want to go?

Sure. I guess.

They make you wear a dress.

Yeah.

Wear that...Diaphanous one.

Okay?

Okay.

Linda: Norman, it's time to go.

Okay?

Goodbye, honey.

Bye bye.

Well, bye.

Bye.

It keeps getting less and less yucky.

I know.

Shall we go home, rocky?

I guess so.

Mr. Atkins, wasn't it you who wrote...

"Public kissing is a public nuisance?"

What the heck ever made you write a thing like that?

I can't speak for your mother, but I knew what you were up to all along, you sneaky kid.

Well, that's me.

I guess, we both were hoping you'd do something to stop us.

Well, now wait.

You two didn't get back together because of me.

Oh, no...

We both just wanted some romance in our lives...And we found it here...Together.

You know your dad is still a pretty exciting man.

So long, Billy boy...

Well, maybe next time.

See?

I'm not the only one who thinks so.

Bye bye, mom...

And thank you...

Daddy...thank you.

Thanks for everything, kiddo.

How 'bout that.

Still holding hands after thirty years.

Thank you, sir.

Welcome.