Original subtitles

[ Sighs ] Ain't this the final kick in the butt?

We pack so Major Bonkers can get outta here.

Not an easy task. Each object holds such unpleasant memories.

The laundry. One pair of shorts, perfect condition.

Mine.

One pair of shorts, holes, buttons missing. Frank's.

One pair of socks, perfect condition‐‐ mine.

You're pretty quick with the socks, fella.

One pair of socks, holes‐‐ Frank's. Frank's.

This is gonna be easier than I thought.

Matter of having a system. [ Knocking ]

Entrez‐vous. Colonel Potter said you were packing Frank's things.

There's something of mine I'd like back.

I don't think that's possible.

Margaret, please! We packed so carefully. I'll bet.

May one ask what it is you're looking for? It's personal.

The torn shorts are right on top. I'll slap you.

Bully. Ah, here it is.

[ Gasps ] This is none of your business.

What is it? A picture of Margaret in a bikini.

Let me see. No.

Give you a nickel. No.

Show you where the horse bit me. Not interested.

Oh, come on. How does she look? Beautiful. A goddess.

Really? Oh! Yum! Yum! Yum!

You're spitting on it. I'm gonna faint.

Margaret, put it back. It'll keep him crazy.

Why torture him? Frank wasn't all that bad.

Compared to what? Well, he's no Donald Penobscott.

In some ways, Donald is no Frank Burns.

‐ Uh, Margaret‐‐ ‐ Margaret, wait a second.

Would you care to elaborate on that? No, I wouldn't.

Margaret. Look, if you've got something you want to get off your chest,

I promise you it won't go beyond this tent. Oh!

No, thank you. I'd sooner tell Walter Winchell.

Might make you feel better. Why should I trust you two?

Because we're all you've got.

Because we care.

Come on, Margaret. Have a drink. Come on. Sit down.

You don't have to tell us if you don't want to. But sit down. You look upset.

Have a drink. What'll it be, gin or gin?

‐ Something went wrong, didn't it, Margaret? ‐ Your word of honor?

‐ Sure. ‐ What about him?

‐ Him too. ‐ Well,

the first two days were perfect.

Then after that, it was like being on a honeymoon with my old auntie.

What happened between the second and third day?

Nothing. We were having a wonderful time‐‐ tennis, shopping.

A lovely party that evening at General Weiskopf's.

Lyle was a charming host. Lyle?

General Weiskopf. He's an old friend.

We stayed up and talked and laughed until 3:00 in the morning.

Was the groom in the room?

Sure. He was right there listening.

What happened after the party?

Nothing. As in "nothing"?

He stopped talking. He stopped smiling.

He stopped... everything.

As in "everything"?

Well, Margaret, don't you think that's it?

What? That's probably it.

Donald was competing with your whole past.

Some guys can't take that pressure.

The male libido can be a very fragile thing.

Oh, poor Donald.

Oh, he'll get over it. It happens all the time.

Frank never had that problem.

‐ Frank didn't need it. He had every other one. ‐ Oh, I know. I know.

Frank Burns was a little too "by the book" for you guys, but...

I personally have some very fond memories of our friendship.

That dirty rat!

My alarm clock. He said the bellboy took it. That fink!

Schaeffer, this is none of your business.

Colonel, please, you're shouting at my lawyer.

You are holding a legitimate Section Eight here.

Lay it on him, mouthpiece. A guy hanging onto a dodge this long...

is a legit psychotic, believe me.

Look, Captain, it doesn't matter.

Teddy Roosevelt had a transvestite in his outfit.

Rode sidesaddle up San Juan Hill.

Is that true, Captain? Could be.

They all wore such big hats. We're sunk.

Oh, no, we're not. I'm preparing my client's brief for General Phelps.

[ Phone Ringing ] And, you, as my client,

do not talk to this man unless I am present.

‐ Sir, phone call from Tokyo General. ‐ Got it.

Come on, Klinger. You and your lawyer, take a hike.

Colonel, I am going to convene a formal hearing on this.

Good. Klinger, I suggest you wear your black sheath with pearls.

Basic black before 5:00? Really.

Potter here.

Yes, of course I still need a new surgeon.

Who? MacKenzie?

Look, Baldwin. I've seen that clown's 201 file. He's a boozer.

Chief engineer on the Red‐nose Express.

Martinelli? I've seen his surgery.

Let me give you a tip. Sew his fingers together and make him a psychiatrist.

What about Winchester?

Yeah, I know he's temporary.

Make him permanent and it's a deal.

Good.

Oh, really? I'll remember that.

Radar, are you there? I was, sir, but now I'm in here, sir.

Where's Winchester? He's getting ready to leave.

I wanna talk to him pronto. Yes, sir.

And bring me back a Snickers bar. With nuts?

No. Milky Way.

Damn partial.

Pierce? Chuck?

Well, you're leaving. What's in a name? How're you feeling?

Dr. Berman, this is Dr. Winchester. He saved your life.

Thank you. I thought I was a goner.

Yes, I can understand that.

[ Chuckles ] I think I've just been insulted.

Very observant. Blood pressure?

140 over 80.

I can't believe it.

Dr. Pierce tells me that your technique was extraordinary.

To him, perhaps.

Well, I'm on my way. Good luck, Dr. Berman.

You're not on staff here? Oh‐ho, no.

This was just a stopover in a stagnant backwater of the war.

Gentlemen. Ta.

But, Father, I don't want to go back anymore.

Son, we all feel fear. It's quite natural. But, Father‐‐

Without fear, one would stand in traffic and get run over.

It's nature's way of protecting your life.

Father, it's not my life that I'm concerned about.

Excuse me?

I killed three people.

I saw their eyes.

Father, I just don't wanna kill anymore.

Oh, I found‐‐ I found him. Major Winchester.

Uh, don't go away, sir. The colonel wants to see you.

Colonel, I found Major Winchester.

Well, I hope he's succinct. My jeep will be here momentarily.

I do hate long good‐byes. I found him.

Oh, Winchester. Can we hurry this up?

I checked the O. R., the Mess Tent, the latrine, everywhere.

And then I come in here, the Officers Club, and here he was.

He was here. His gear was here. And then I was‐‐

Radar. Radar. Type that up in triplicate. Yes, sir. I found him.

Well, it's very kind of you to see me off.

I would ask you to join me in a farewell drink, but there just isn't time.

Oh, we'll have plenty of time.

Oh? I've got some good news, Major.

You're assigned to us permanently.

Impossible. Orders are cut. It's final.

No!

No. Colonel Baldwin assured me this is just temporary.

Is this the same Colonel Baldwin who owes you $600?

[ Laughs ] Yes. Need I say more?

You mean to tell me that I have to stay here...

just because somebody owes me $672.17?

That's ridiculous. Of course it's ridiculous.

You're staying because I need you. And if I refuse?

You'll be making gravel at Leavenworth. ¿Comprende?

Comprendo. Good.

Well, Major Winchester, I can't tell you...

how happy I am you've decided to join us.

And remember, if you ever have a problem, feel free to stop in.

My tent flap is always open.

♪♪♪ [ Swing Continues ]

[ Man Over P. A. ] Attention, Corporal Klinger.

Report to Colonel Potter's office, on the double. And bring your lawyer.

Now that's what I call fast action. Let me do the talking.

You're the solicitor, Captain. M. P. s! My own escort.

Klinger, you wonderful, crazy person, you're going home.

I can smell downtown Toledo now.

Corporal Klinger and lawyer reporting, sir. New scarf?

Sears, Honolulu. Nice.

Post‐debutante department. Sorry I missed your cotillion.

I expected other officers, Colonel. A review board.

‐ Road apples, Private. ‐ Uh, Captain, Colonel.

‐ Private, Corporal. ‐ Private?

Well, tsk, caught again.

Hold it. Wait, wait, wait a minute. I thought‐‐

Button it. Button it.

Let him talk. You're my lawyer.

Your lawyer is a buck private, and he's no lawyer.

I beg your‐‐ How's that?

According to his captain, a real captain,

Schaeffer here has been bucking for a Section Eight longer than you have.

‐ A loony? ‐ Busted twice,

done four months in the slammer, has impersonated a doctor,

a bombardier, a tank commander,

‐ even a chaplain. ‐ A chaplain.

At this very moment somewhere in America,

25 couples are living in sin.

You shyster! Why'd you lie to me, get my hopes up?

I thought you'd understand. You're my own kind.

[ Whistles ] They gonna send me home?

I doubt it. I feel like crying.

Let it all out, stud. He's all yours, boys.

Well, hang in there, Klinger.

I was an M. P. once too.

Don't feel bad, son. Guy's a real pro. You'll make it someday.

You think so, sir? Absolutely. Never say die.

You're a real inspiration, sir.

Sir? Sir, Major Burns is on the phone.

He says he wants to talk to you and B.J. I'm busy.

He says it's the last time he'll ever talk to you.

I can't pass that up. Take care, Doc.

B.J. Hey, thanks, Hawkeye.

Don't go around condemning yourself. Always get two doctors' opinions.

What's that you said, Charles?

How we doing? Oh, we're doing fine. Thank you.

How you doing?

Oh, really? Well, you'll get used to it.

Yes, Frank, yes.

We packed everything.

He wants to know if we folded his underwear.

And we ironed your pleats.

What? He wants to talk to you.

Yes, Frank.

You what?

Uh, Frank, we both think that's wonderful.

Yeah. Frank, we're proud to have known you.

Yeah. Best of luck in your future, Frank.

Bye, Frank.

Hey, come on! I'm responsible for that!

You seem a trifle irked.

The army, in its infinite wisdom,

has not only cleared Frank of the charges,

they have assigned him to a veterans hospital in Indiana...

and promoted him to lieutenant colonel.

Oh, no, no, no no! I was just gonna complain to my congressman.

Yeah? No, no!

Hello? Hello?

Ah! O'Reilly, just the man I want to see.

Me? Is there anyone else in this room?

No. Then it must be you.

Get me Tokyo General Hospital. On the phone?

No, open the window and yell.

Take that bag of phone and do whatever voodoo you do and get me Colonel Baldwin.

That won't do you any good, sir. You're staying.

You pusillanimous little squirt. Don't you dare to tell me I'm staying!

You get on that phone! But I can't, it's‐‐

No buts. You start cranking. Yes, sir.

I'm cranking. I am. I'm cranking.

But it's broken. Somebody madder than you got to it first.

Corporal, I assure you. Nobody in Korea is madder than me.

I'll take your word for it, sir.

Corporal, fix the phone! Fix it. Okay.

I don't care how. What I care is when. No, I'll fix it.

And the when is now. Yes, okay. Right.

Because if you don't, I am going to‐‐

Winchester, you're not going anywhere.

Colonel, I‐‐ [ Clears Throat ]

I think I should tell you that my father knows Harry Truman.

He doesn't like him, but he knows him.

Fine. You have Dad call Harry,

then Harry'll call me, and maybe we'll work something out.

In the meantime, vamoose.

All right, Colonel, I am... vamoosing.

[ Mutters ]

But know this.

You can cut me off from the civilized world.

You can incarcerate me with two moronic cell mates.

You can torture me with your thrice‐daily swill.

But you cannot break the spirit of a Winchester.

My voice shall be heard from this wilderness,

and I shall be delivered from this fetid and festering sewer.

Where do you want this, Doc? In Tokyo, actually.

Tempo, Doc. I got a lice appointment.

‐ Set it down anywhere. ‐ Over here.

Thank you much. Dismissed.

‐ Nice hat, Klinger. New? ‐ For tea dancing.

Who is that... creature?

Corporal Klinger‐‐ first man to kill a caribou with a beaded purse.

Finish! You have not done the corners.

Finish! You haven't made my bed.

Finish.

Why me? Why me?

Practically chief of thoracic surgery at Boston General,

in this godforsaken... dump.

Me. A man who can hum all four parts of the Schubert string quartets...

‐ and quote Spinoza from memory. ‐ Well, that's the army.

‐ You know, supply and demand. ‐ That's why you were picked.

[ Man Over P. A. ] Attention, all personnel. MASH 8063 is overloaded.

Their casualties are on the way.

That's us, Charlie. Let's go. It's Howdy Doody time.

[ Hawkeye ] Come on, Chuckles, shake it. Let's go.

Are you speaking to me? What's taking you so long?

In this camp, cleanliness is next to impossible.

You have to kill the germs. Don't hang around for the funeral.

Look how high he's scrubbing. Maybe he's going to operate in evening gloves.

Gentlemen, I do one thing at a time.

I do it very well, and then I move on.

Can you doctors wiggle your collective keister?

I've got three tables facing the war. One of them is a tricky bowel resection.

B.J. or I will take it. Dr. Pasteur is still pasteurizing himself.

Well, uh, maybe we'd better wait and let him do it.

It's kind of complicated. As soon as you can, Winchester.

All right. What's so great about him?

I do one thing at a time. I do it very well,

and then I move on.

Gentlemen, please,

pay close attention to this bowel resection.

I don't want to have to show it to you twice.

[ Chuckles ]

I'm not gonna play second scalpel to this garbanzo for the rest of the war.

Why don't we avoid the Christmas rush and start hating him now?

[ Hawkeye ] Done. [ Nurse ] Klinger!

Shattered patella. Put him to sleep.

We're kind of falling behind, Colonel.

Winchester. Oh, really?

Can I help? Is there a prayer for my varicose veins?

Well, there's a mailman's prayer that might be effective.

Really sell it, Padre. Next patient.

We're two up on you, Winchester. Shift into high gear.

I refuse to rush through a bowel resection.

This is the rush hour, Major.

Better get in the fast lane. Sponge.

For your information, I'm doing meticulous work.

Neatness don't count in meatball surgery.

Is harassment standard operating procedure?

Page 26 of the surgeon songbook.

Another ambulance just pulled in. Eleven wounded.

Really bad. Holy Moly.

‐ Oh, I'm sorry, Father.

‐ [ Grunts ] ‐ Major, we can't spend two hours on a bowel resection.

Charles, move on!

I'm moving on as fast as I can.

[ B. J. ] I'm finished here, Charlie. Let me show you.

You show me? Certainly not.

[ Margaret ] Doctor, we do have shortcuts. Shortcuts are sloppy surgery.

More suction. Doctor, if we can't control the bleeding, we're gonna lose him.

‐ B. J., take over. Winchester, watch him. ‐ [ B. J. ] Move it.

Now see here. Wounded egos come later. For now, just watch.

Two big clamps. [ Klinger ] Another customer.

[ Hawkeye ] I'll take him. Give him a magazine. I'll be right there.

When you're in a hurry, cut the mesentery between two big clamps...

‐ and forget daintiness. ‐ Throw in a layer of catgut...

It'll leak. No, it won't, and it'll only take 20 minutes.

Klinger, let me see that X ray again.

It's me again. Klinger had to, uh, uh‐‐

Oh, to be in the latrine, now that spring is here.

[ Jet Passes Overhead ]

[ Groans ]

Winchester, don't feel so bad. You'll catch on.

I felt like an intern in there.

Everybody does in the beginning.

First thousand patients are the hardest.

Second day, it gets easier.

I don't‐‐

I don't think I can adjust to this.

Look. We know you're a good surgeon.

Even though some good surgeons wash out under these conditions, you won't.

‐ You're gonna make it. ‐ Sure you will.

[ Yawns ] We're not any better than you.

It's just that by sheer repetition, we've gotten fast.

Well,

you may be right.

If you people did it, I certainly can.

Way to go, Charlie.

Come on over to my office. We'll have a couple of belts.

Thank you, no.

If you don't mind, uh,

I'd rather be alone.

That is not a happy person.

Would you rather have Burns?

‐He was more fun to be cruel to. ‐Do me a favor.

No practical jokes, no horsing around until he gets broken in. Okay?

I wish you told us that before we put the snake in his bed.

♪♪♪ [ Classical: Mozart ]

[ B. J. ] Hey, we got us a new record player.

Please, Beej, Mozart.

Have you no respect for classical music?

Are you kidding? I got the "William Tell Overture"...

by Spike Jones. Oh.

♪♪♪ [ Continues ]

[ Yells ]

Clever. Very clever.

Please... Mozart.