Original subtitles

Waiting for the Robert E. Lee?

No, sir, it's Major Burns. He was due back from "R" and "R" at 2400 hours.

I sent out the daily report and said he was back.

You've been here all night?

At 0400 hours, I had to go to the latrine. You took the scenic route.

Yes, sir. Check his tent? He could have come in...

while you were sitting with Batman and Robin.

No, I checked. It's not like Burns.

He's a lousy surgeon, a pain in the butt,

however, he's always on time.

I know. That's why I'm worried. Relax. Cigar?

Won't it stunt my growth? What do you got to lose?

Is it habit forming?

No. I've been smoking five cigars a day for 45 years.

Never got the habit. That's good to know.

[ Spits ]

[ Spits ] So far so good.

Mm, when do I suck? I'll let you know.

Now.

Couple more times.

There you go.

Nothing like a good cigar on a bright, clear morning.

Or Cream of Wheat.

Salkowitz, gimme a hand!

Hey, you're a medic. Our battalion aid station got hit.

Crummy war.

All right, pre‐op and move it. What a mess.

Some of these guys got clobbered twice. Once on the line,

then three hours later at the aid station. Their lucky day.

Move him into pre‐op.

Father?

So young.

The younger they get, the older I get.

[ Helicopter Approaching ]

You're lucky, Sergeant. That's not too bad. We'll have you out of here in no time.

Hey, Doc, can you make it a little worse?

I don't wanna go back up there.

Well, we'll see. Maybe I can drop a stitch. Medic!

Get him to pre‐op. Start an I. V. and give him some plasma.

Hell of a time for Burns to be late.

We can use every inept surgeon we can get.

When's Margaret due back from her honeymoon? Two more days.

Superficial. Post‐op. I wish I was with her.

For crying out loud, she's with her husband. I wouldn't peek.

Sirs, one of the wounds is a doctor.

[ Breathing Heavily ]

Dr. Berman, I'm Dr. Pierce.

Don't waste your time, Doctor. [ Exhales ]

We just met, already he's kibitzing.

Right hemothorax, full of blood. Don't talk.

Pericardial tamponade, full of blood.

We'll fix you up, Doctor.

Fragment near the heart.

You got a rabbi?

We got a priest who loves Al Jolson.

Get him. Knock that off, Berman.

Nobody dies around here without my say‐so.

[ Potter ] How's Berman? I got a chest tube in. He's still bleeding.

‐ Can he travel to Seoul? ‐ He may not even make it to post‐op.

Klinger.

What's the matter? Snapped my garter belt.

Don't expect a Purple Heart. Special case there.

We need a nice, slow ride.

There you go, Sarge. Didn't even tingle, did it?

‐ You're gonna be fine. ‐ Finished already, huh, Doc?

‐ Local anesthetic, seven stitches. ‐ Can't you find anything else?

A hangnail, but the manicurist doesn't come in on Mondays.

Klinger? What am I, the only medic in the shop?

‐ You're loved, you fool. ‐ Command me, oh tall one with the Presbyterian features.

‐ Bed rest, then ambulatory. ‐ Bed rest, then ambulatory.

[ Potter ] Where the hell is Burns?

If we're lucky, he deserted.

[ Chuckles ] You don't suppose‐‐ No, no, no, no.

‐ What? What? ‐ No, it's ludicrous.

‐ Come on. What? What? ‐ Well, Margaret's on her honeymoon in Tokyo,

and Frank's late getting back from Seoul.

‐ You think Frank went to Tokyo? ‐ What could he do there?

Put saltpeter in Penobscott's teriyaki. [ Laughs ]

Klinger! This is crazy. I gotta get on the horn to "I" Corps.

See if we can trace Burns. We need another surgeon.

Over there. Just park it there.

Get my bag, Corporal.

Major Houlihan, is that you?

No, it's Amelia Earhart. Who do you think it is?

You. Oh, you dumb ninny.

How come you're back so early from your honeymoon?

You're not my father. No, ma'am. I sure am glad to see you though.

We got a terrible lot of wounded, and Major Burns isn't back from "R" and "R" yet.

He isn't? All right, I'll get changed and get right over.

Did you have a good time? Oh, stuff it.

That's nice. [ Phone Ringing ]

[ Phone Continues Ringing ]

MASH 4077. [ Potter ] I got it, Radar.

Oh, I'm sorry, Colonel. Colonel Potter here. Who's this?

I didn't know you had it, sir. I've got it.

Yes, sir. You certainly do. What was your name again, Sergeant?

Sergeant Williams, sir. Military Police, "I" Corps.

Do you have a Major Frank Burns in your unit?

Medium build, beady eyes, weak chin?

That's him. He was involved in an incident here in Seoul.

And our report says that while drunk,

he accosted a blonde WAC.

Kept calling her Margaret.

Acted like he was shampooing her hair.

And then begged to clip her toenails.

Ran off before we could apprehend him. Is he there, sir?

No, and he's long overdue. Keep me posted, Sergeant.

Jackass Burns. Radar. Yes, sir. Is he on his way, sir?

On his way to a Section Eight. He's down in Seoul flipping his beanie.

Get hold of a Colonel Baldwin at Tokyo General.

Tell him we're desperate for a surgeon. Yes, sir.

I'll be in O.R. if my legs get me that far. I think you're tired, Colonel.

You know, Radar, you should have gone to medical school.

Hello, Tokyo. Hello, Tokyo.

♪♪♪ [ Whistling ]

Double pair, royal.

That's 121 points‐‐

[ Beeping Over P. A. ] ♪♪♪ [ Whistling ]

And the game. Damn cribbage!

Ah, Colonel, for a brief moment, you thought you had me,

but I scooted away.

What's the damage, Winchester?

Well, in round figures,

you owe me $672.11.

[ Phone Ringing ] Colonel, I want to thank you...

for teaching me this game. Colonel?

[ Beeping Over P. A. ]

Colonel Baldwin here. Yes?

I told you not to call me when I'm in conference.

Oh, yeah, that's Potter's outfit. What do they want?

How long do they need?

No, it's impossible. [ Winchester Chuckling ]

Colonel, made a small error.

You owe me $672.17.

It's possible.

[ Beeping Over P. A. ]

Care to put your head in the noose again?

I'd love to, but you won't have time.

For the next 48 hours, you belong to a MASH unit that's short a man.

MASH? That's one of those traveling medicine shows, isn't it?

Right. Grab the next flight to Seoul...

and get out to Colonel Potter at the 4077th.

Why send your best doctor into a war zone?

Relax. It's just like two days here,

except for the artillery and the snakes.

‐ Better get moving, Winchester. ‐ Surely you jest.

Surely you go.

We got a new surgeon on the way.

A Major Charles Emerson Winchester. [ Potter ] I knew a Winchester.

[ B. J. ] I knew an Emerson. [ Radar ] I got an Uncle Charles.

[ Hawkeye ] Well, at least we won't be working with a stranger.

[ Metal Clangs ]

Put your finger on that artery. Scalpel.

Major Houlihan! [ B. J. ] Look who's here.

[ Mulcahy ] What a pleasant surprise.

Uh‐oh, Lulu's back in town. Keep working. Keep working.

I'll take over, Baker. You look exhausted.

Mrs. Penobscott, it's a pleasure to have your finger in my work again.

How come you're back here so early?

Shouldn't you be wearing out your Do Not Disturb sign?

Heard you were busy. More sponges! Major, heard you were back.

Baker, get back in here and help the colonel.

‐ Now I know you're back. ‐ Tell us about your honeymoon.

Just the dirty stuff.

Captains, please. Mrs. Penobscott's feelings.

That's what we want to hear about.

Private Picetti‐‐ X ray hot off the press.

Gloryosky, Sandy. Do I behold the ravishing Mrs. Penobscott?

Yes, Klinger, I'm back. So get moving.

Yes, Major Houlihan.

Never heard of anybody coming home early from a honeymoon.

They had to throw a bucket of water on me and the missus.

Did you have a good time? Clamp.

Clamp. We need more suction.

If you don't wanna tell us about your honeymoon, I understand.

I appreciate that. But I hope you took pictures.

What's happening? The enemy, sir. Mortars.

The enemy? Here? Good God!

Turn right! Right! Left! Left!

Follow me, sir. Where?

Take cover. When do they stop?

When they hit something. Very comforting.

Hit the dirt!

[ Explosions In Distance ]

Good Lord, what do we do now?

Sit tight, hold your breath and pray if you got 'em.

What about the jeep? Don't worry about it, sir. It's paid for.

Better stay put, Major.

Now we can go.

How? A.T.

A.T.?

Alternate transportation.

You're on your own now, sir. I'm going back to headquarters.

Good luck to you.

Extra, "extrey," read all about it.

Latest news in the Stars And Stripes. U. S. enters war in Korea.

Get your latest news right here. Excuse me.

It's a little shack in the compound marked "latrine."

Immediate seating in the mezzanine. It isn't that.

I want to ask you something. Go.

Are you a guy, or a hairy broad with a deep voice?

I'm all man, Clyde. The clothes are a dodge.

A what? If I keep wearing women's clothes,

maybe they'll give me a Section Eight, and send me home.

Oh. How long you been at this? Two years, April 22.

Oh, it's not just a dodge. What do you mean?

If you've been dressing like this for two years, you are a Section Eight.

That's what I keep telling 'em. Let me tell 'em.

I'm a lawyer. Captain Schaeffer. Adjutant General Branch.

I'm telling you. I can get you a discharge.

Captain, if you can help, I'm your slave.

No problem. Oh, Captain, my Captain.

Set me free and for the rest of your life, I'll bring you belly dancers‐‐

their navels stuffed with chopped liver.

120 over 80, Sergeant. You're perfect.

Hey, listen, Doc.

I'm sure there's something inside that you missed, huh?

It hurts... right about here.

Comes with the territory. That's our canned corned beef.

But, Doc, I don't wanna go back.

I can't say as I blame you. Would you like to talk to Father Mulcahy?

[ Sighs ] Okay, but I'm an atheist.

Really? Swear to God.

Uh, let's check Private Leland's chart.

How you feeling, Dr. Berman?

Critical.

I know you've got a chest tube in, and the lung's re‐expanded.

I repaired the laceration of the ventricle, so there's a weak area in the myocardium.

In other words, a ventricular aneurysm.

Yeah, it looks that way. So...

it's "Good night, Nurse."

You just rest and stabilize.

And, if necessary, we'll tackle the aneurysm.

You doctors are all alike.

[ Pats Berman's Hand ]

Did you tell him about the aneurysm? Yeah.

Gonna try it? None of us have ever seen that operation.

What are you gonna do? I think I'll hide in the woods till the war is over.

[ Phone Ringing ] I got it! You got it!

I know I've got it. Potter here.

Yeah, Sergeant. Oh, not Burns again.

He was on this bus, and he sat down next to a Red Cross lady.

Tried to bite off her buttons.

He kept hollering, "Margaret! Mar‐‐" Is that his wife?

No, just a well‐built ship that crossed his wake. Have you got him locked up?

Well, not exactly, sir. You see, the lady screamed,

and the bus stopped, and he jumped out the window.

Look, Sergeant, do me a favor. When you finally lasso him,

put him in a padded stall.

For your trouble‐‐ Put this toward some shock absorbers.

You staring at me, Corporal? Oh, no, sir.

No, I'm sorry, sir. It's just we don't get too many strangers around here standing up.

Charming place.

An inflamed boil on the buttocks of the world.

What is that odor?

Uh, north wind, cesspool. East wind, latrine.

‐ The wind is from the south. ‐ Oh, that's the kitchen.

Sir, are you the doctor we've been waiting for?

It's quite likely. Major Charles Emerson Winchester, Surgeon.

Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly, Company Clerk. [ Chuckles ]

Shall I get your bag, sir? Of course.

Where will I find your commanding officer?

Uh, in his commanding office.

Uh, this way.

Ooh, I'm sorry, sir. Do you mind? [ Clattering ]

Not at all.

‐ Skoal. ‐ Anita Ekberg.

‐ Ingrid Bergman. ‐ Sonja "Heinie."

Sir, this is Major Charles Emerson, uh‐‐ Winchester.

Winchester. Radar, don't talk with your hands full.

Welcome to MASH 4077, Doctor. Yup.

Drs. Pierce, Hunnicutt.

Hawkeye. Doctor.

B.J. Doctor.

Major, you have no idea how glad we are to see you.

This is our first break in 36 hours. Have a snort.

‐ Thank you. No. ‐ Got your papers, Winchester?

Gee, what swell gloves. Calf.

Oh.

‐ Where you from, Charlie? ‐ Charles.

‐ Oh. ‐ We're pretty informal up here. We get very close.

I don't intend to be here long enough to get chummy.

Well, I'll drink to that. I'll join you.

Impressive, Doctor.

Harvard Med. Massachusetts General. What were you doing in Tokyo?

Demonstrating new surgical techniques.

‐ Up here, it's strictly meatball surgery. ‐ Patch 'em up and get 'em out.

[ Snorts ] That's rather primitive, isn't it?

We've got a 98% survival rate, cowboy.

‐ Charles. ‐ No offense intended, Colonel.

Offense accepted, Major. And you can‐‐

Look. We're all a little tired.

Let's not get off on the wrong foot.

Colonel, Dr. Berman is going into heart failure. He can hardly breathe.

Let's go. [ B. J. ] Ventricular aneurysm.

Why the panic? Can you do anything about it?

I've done at least a dozen. Successfully?

No offense intended, Major.

Offense accepted. Let's hang out your shingle, Major.

[ Winchester ] More light on the heart.

More suction.

There's your aneurysm.

Now, the main difficulty here, gentlemen,

is that the aneurysm may have a clot in it.

If you don't do this very carefully,

it could break off and go to the brain.

Then it's "Good‐bye, Charlie."

‐ Sorry. Charles. ‐ So that's how you do this.

You oversew the aneurysm. Mm‐hmm.

Good work, Remington.

‐ Winchester. ‐ Oh, uh‐‐

‐ Still with us, Hunnicutt. ‐ 100 over 70.

‐ Beautiful, Doctor. ‐ [ Winchester ] Voilà.

Ready to close. [ Potter ] Fine work, Doctor.

[ Winchester ] Considering the circumstances, I would say extraordinary.

[ Hawkeye ] Major Winchester, sir, may I ask a question?

You may. Could I stop by sometime for a cup of ego?

Wasn't that wonderful? Such marvelous technique.

The whole family has gifted hands. Mother's a concert pianist.

My dad can get an olive out of the bottom of a jar with one finger.

And leave the pimento behind. Oh, yeah.

Frontline humor, I suppose. Crude and boorish.

You gotta admit though. These jokers'll make you laugh.

Colonel, sir, I got Major Burns on the telephone.

He's calling from Seoul. About time.

You coming, Margaret? It's an obscene phone call.

Crude and boorish. Crude and Boorish. A great act.

He plucked chickens. And she jumped through an awning.

Burns? Not so fast.

Yeah? Yeah.

Uh‐huh. You are?

What's up? I should have listened on my own phone.

Opportunity missed is an opportunity lost.

Ralph Waldo Emerson. Writer of note.

Writers of notes get famous? Please, I'm on long distance!

Sorry, sir. Okay, Burns.

I'll take care of it. Right, Major.

Right. The same to you. [ Chuckling ]

What's the latest on Burns? This one's a doozy.

He saw an officer and a blonde walking down the main drag.

‐ And in his state‐‐ ‐ Bombed?

Boiled. Mistook them for Penobscott and Houlihan.

Well, this couple went into a public bath, stripped down, got in the water.

A man and a lady in the same water?

‐ Baptists. ‐ Oh.

Frank jumps in with them, still in uniform.

Wow!

Grabbed the woman and started crying.

Suddenly, he realizes he's in the water with the wrong couple.

Mrs. Kester hollered bloody murder.

Wait a minute. You mean Brigadier General and Mrs. Kester?

In the buff. Wow!

They're holding Burns for psychiatric observation.

Perfect!

And then‐‐ hang onto your skivvies‐‐

he's being transferred out of here.

Transferred? Out of here?

You‐‐ Frank is being transferred? You mean for good?

That's right. Holy cow.

They can't do that to us. There's so much more we wanted to say to the fink.

And all of it rotten. You realize this reduces the enemy to just North Korea.

This calls for a toast. You too, Radar.

Special occasion. Thank you, sir.

A toast. What shall it be?

Something tender. Something sentimental.

Right.

Good‐bye, ferret face.

[ All Laughing, Whooping ]

Make him permanent and it's a deal.

Good!

Oh, really? I'll remember that.

Radar, are you there? I was, sir.

Oh, what‐‐ But now I'm in here, sir.

Where's Winchester? He's getting ready to leave.

I want to talk to him, pronto.