Original subtitles

NARRATOR: Our tale begins in the year of our Lord 1831,

when the Bethany Rose wrecked off Binglesbeck beach

in the small hamlet of Hunderby.

Ninety-one souls were lost that night.

Our heroine was a stowaway, carried to shore by another survivor,

a noble blackamoor, Geoff.

WOMAN: Filthy beast! Trying to eat a dead girl!

He's stealing her locket!

NARRATOR: Fellows of such a hue were not common in Hunderby,

and thinking her dead, Geoff fled, taking her locket with him.

Our heroine would indeed have perished

had it not been for the arrival of Dr Foggerty,

a sturdy man just shy of his middle years.

Dear God! Is there no one left alive?

NARRATOR: Foggerty, on swift hands, rushed to her side,

gathered her up and deftly

did he blow the lass to life.

(GASPS)

How different might our tale have been

had the widowed pastor not appeared.

Make way! This is God's work.

Please, sir! I am the physician.

In the name of our Lord Christ Jesus

let this wretched soul be saved!

(RETCHING)

Very well.

NARRATOR: Edmund's wife Arabelle had passed suddenly but a year before

and many a haggard fisherwife was eager

to warm the dent in the widower's bed.

But it was this young woman,

presumed from the ship's log

to be the plain spinster missionary Helene Blown,

that snared his weeping eye.

Dearest Helene,

I've much enjoyed your company of late.

And though I know little of your history and it seems neither do you,

I... I take much comfort

from your simplicity.

Both of looks and character.

-I am a pastor. -Oh, I know, sir.

I hadn't finished. (CLEARS THROAT)

I am a pastor

and it is usual that a pastor has someone at his side

to tend to his needs and those of the community.

In short, Helene,

a wife.

(HELENE LAUGHING)

NARRATOR: Thinking Edmund her saviour, she accepted the proposal.

And though the match was not one sparked by passion,

Edmund's kind and jocund ways

led her to expect a marriage benign.

A most welcome contrast to the shadowy past

that led her to stow away upon the Bethany Rose.

I am most blessed to find you at my time of life.

Though youth has all but spread his wings and fled you

I do wonder, through your more dewy years,

at the men that did not take you.

Perhaps I did not love them as I do you, sir.

"Them", Helene?

Forgive me, but... you are untouched?

For as Deuteronomy tells us,

I would be forced to stone to death with my own Christian hand

any wife of mine who had e'er lain with another.

Yes!

(NERVOUSLY LAUGHING)

Helene,

I've noted on your cheek a... a kind of growth.

Oh! My mole?

Hmm. You might see fit to cover it for our special day.

NARRATOR: The ship did sink but her past would not,

and on the eve of her wedding,

Helene was plagued by memories.

MAN: Elisabeth!

(SCREAMING)

(GASPS)

NARRATOR: Helene felt her heart would burst

if she did not tell Edmund her tale.

So that very night, she crept into Hunderby

and slipped the confession beneath the slumbering widower's door

in the hope that he would forgive her.

Yet as is the way with so many a marriage,

the pair were to be joined till death,

neither one truly knowing the other.

For the letter remained unnoticed, unread.

(CHURCH BELLS RINGING)

What is it, my love?

You... You still love me?

(CHUCKLES) Still...

Still love you, dove?

As I am?

You are as you are, Helene.

Oh!

Oh, Edmund! Thank you for your grace!

(EDMUND CLEARS THROAT)

But where are the congregation?

Oh, they preferred to go to the hanging.

Dear God! We've all rallied round, baking him bird pies

and nursing him through his grief since Arabelle passed.

And he chooses to hook up with the first dumpy old biscuit

spewed up by the sea. (SCOFFS)

Biddy.

Oh, Master Edmund, I was just saying how pretty Miss Helene was looking!

Well, it is a most flattering light upon you also, Biddy Ritherfoot.

You almost have a look of Moses in his latter years.

You must miss your dead wife.

Each hour without Arabelle is an agony.

But perfect souls cannot tarry long upon this earthly plane.

And though our time was brief, I shall always relish that

precious snatch.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Congratulations, Father Edmund!

Oh, thank you, Crippled Hesther, I did not see you down there!

(BROTHER JOSEPH CLEARS THROAT)

Ah, Brother Joseph! You are returned!

I do hope the call of the savage

will not take you from us again too soon.

Fiji ever beckons, Brother Edmund.

Would that you might join me there next time.

Put some Christian spine into those flat-nosed heathens.

Hunderby needs me.

Now, I have here a small wedding gift.

A gift! No need, Brother.

There is no greater gift than the love of the Lord.

It's from Fiji.

(GASPS)

(BIRD CHIRPING)

A bird of paradise.

Nay, Brother, it is a silktail.

I found it in my bed one night and though I placed it outside,

by morn he had returned and once again

deposited himself upon my pillow,

his face pressed to mine like a wife.

I shall cherish him and call him... I shall call him Raymond.

It was my late father's name.

What a comely lad! How's Ruth?

-Not well. -Oh!

DR FOGGERTY: My congratulations, Mistress Suffolk-Ffinch.

Mistress Suffolk-Ffinch?

Oh! Sorry.

The name sounds so strange!

I see that old Father Sun doth shine for you this day.

How did you persuade him to cast off his cloudy coat?

Oh...

I did command Brother Breeze to go to him

and to say it was my windy wish!

-Oh! (BOTH LAUGH)

(DR FOGGERTY CLEARS THROAT)

Sir? Have we met before?

On Binglesbeck beach. I was...

Come my bride, I'm sure Dr Foggerty has little time for such

idle prattle. We must away.

The dancers have dwindled and the hams are ravaged.

Where's Mother?

Mistress Mathilde is still abed, sir.

She complained of vipers lashing her insides.

-Oh. -Her bowel has still not spoken, sir.

EDMUND: Oh, dear.

Though I fancy I caught a whisper.

Oh!

(CLEARING THROAT) Your hair looks well, Dorothy.

Thank you, sir. I had it re-arranged for the special day,

though I was not invited.

Very, uh, cumulonimbus. Is it based on a cloud?

Ah, no, sir.

It looks very pretty. (LAUGHS)

(THUMPING) -Oh!

HELENE: Ow.

Sorry. Thank you.

EDMUND: I must refresh myself.

(HUMMING)

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Edmund!

Oh.

Just checking that all is to madam's satisfaction.

Yes.

Thank you, Dorothy, everything is quite wonderful.

And the room, ma'am? I thought a milky pigeon would suit.

Yes. Thank you.

Mistress Suffolk-Ffinch's room was the most beautiful in the house.

A sunset gold that seemed to glow as she did.

-It is not now used, of course. -No.

Perhaps Mistress Suffolk-Ffinch would like to approve the menu?

But she's dead!

Oh! Yes, sorry.

Yes. It looks lovely.

Thrush buns in a thick, dark gravy.

Mistress Arabelle liked her gravy very thick.

(CROWS CAWING)

(WHISPERING) And this is Edmund's mother's room.

(WHISPERING) It looks lovely.

It is only a door.

-I cannot wait to meet... -Hush!

She slumbers.

Inconsolable since Arabelle's death.

We never go in here, ma'am.

It leads to the bell tower and the stairs are quite rotten

so it is kept locked at all times.

(CREAKING, GROANING)

What is that noise?

(GROANS)

Noise, ma'am?

(MAN GROANING)

Tis most likely owls, ma'am.

-Oh. -They do defecate through their mouths.

What interesting breasts you have, Helene.

Thank you, sir.

I suspect Arabelle's were larger.

They were considerable.

You... You are...

Much darker down there than perhaps I had imagined...

Do I not please you, sir?

Nay, nay. Tis just... (CHUCKLES)

Arabelle was smooth as ham.

Nature did not busy her broken mound with such a...

black and forceful brush.

My mother, they say, was raven-haired and tawny-skinned...

And her nose?

Oh, proud nostrils, flared like a lion's.

-Not a Zulu? -Oh, no, no! Heavens no, no!

At least...

If truth be told...

I never knew her!

Oh, Edmund, how I wish I knew her. (SOBBING)

Helene! You've soggied my bridal jerkin!

Oh, surely you know velvet cannot abide moisture?

(SOBBING) -Oh, forgive me.

Oh, I did not know you were so weak.

(CHUCKLES) Arabelle was so strong.

Oh...

Describe her to me, Edmund.

Arabelle? (CHUCKLES)

She was perhaps the most beautiful creature I ever saw...

Other than Bird Raymond.

But this is my special day!

It shall not be ruined. Come, dove. Dorothy will shave you.

Your nighty-dress, how charming!

Thank you. I believe Dorothy laid it for me.

It was Arabelle's, she wore it when first I burst her.

(BELL RINGING)

Come, bride. Tis a quarter after ten.

We shall intercourse until a 30 after.

There may be a sharp, searing pain throughout.

(GROANS)

(GROANS)

Yes, um... (CLEARS THROAT) If I could...

-If you would just... -Yeah.

-Oh. -Okay.

Right, then.

(GRUNTS)

-Edmund. -What?

Tis... Tis not in.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Yes.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Bubbly milk, sir?

Please.

That shall be your duty from now on.

Would sir at least wish me to take the soiled wedding linens?

That will not be necessary.

TOM: I've seen a ghost.

Two-headed Tony seen two ghosts.

They can't all be her. Poor Arabelle.

I'll never understand how she went so quick.

One day she's eating broiled udders, the next a funeral.

I heard twas 'cause her face was half-eaten by herpes.

No, they say she choked on her own tongue.

Mind ye don't choke on my tongue!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Sorry, ma'am. Would sir like his bubbly milk?

Yes, please.

Without wishin' to be bold,

mistress looked very beautiful on her wedding day.

Like a proper princess.

Yes, I heard Arabelle was quite a beauty.

Arabelle? No, I meant you, mistress!

Oh, thank you, Annie. That is very kind!

There you are, ma'am.

Ooh! He's got a good creamy head on him.

-Best get it up there ere it flops! -Thank you.

Oh!

Master Edmund does not wish to be disturbed any further.

His spine is quite aflame from all the activity.

Thank you, Dorothy, but I would pass...

Do you wish to burn down our home, walking about with a naked flame?

No... No... I only wish to give my husband his bubbly milk.

(SCREAMING)

(DOROTHY WAILING)

Helene?

(DOOR CREAKS)

Helene?

What in blazes are you doing?

Nothing, nothing, sir, one moment.

Snuffling around like some rabid bloodhound!

Why do you screw your fist so?

Oh, um, I... I have a pain.

Most likely trapped winds.

I would ask that you do not purge yourself

of such gases in front of Bird Raymond.

Yes, sir.

(KNOCKING ON THE DOOR)

EDMUND: Helene?

Helene, where's my bubbly milk?

Oh, look! Tis a day for weddings, Tom!

There's something written on it!

What's it say?

"Rape."