Original subtitles

- [bubbling] - Hear that?

What? Is Meldrick back from the pizza run yet?

No, it's Mr. Coffee, percolating in the next room.

It's too quiet in here.

- The only thing dead in this joint are the phones. - New Year's Eve, Frank.

When the ball drops, the bodies will start dropping too.

- I hate New Year's Eve. - Everybody hates New Year's Eve.

Yeah, another year older and deeper in debt.

It's like having a birthday, only nobody buys you any presents.

- [champagne bottle pops] - Whoa! Whoa!

What's this? The distribution and consumption of alcohol while on duty?

Champagne can hardly be described as alcohol.

Just a little taste, Gee.

Just as long as it's a little taste

and I get to make the first toast.

Let's hope this year is better than last year.

I'll drink to that, even though I'm not supposed to touch this stuff.

Toast or no toast, the long-term trend

is this year will be worse than last year,

and next year will be worse than this.

Munch. A toast.

May we have more nights like this one,

many more, when the phones are not ringing.

- Hear, hear! - Game on.

- [Howard chuckling] - [Bayliss] Mmm!

- Domestic. Discount, at that. - You are a snob, Frank.

[Kellerman] This isn't even champagne. This is the fake champagne.

What is it? "Method Sparkling Wine." This is sparkling wine.

The French make them do that. It's a trade war thing, Mike.

You know, you're not supposed to buy champagne at the gas station.

- Hey, hey, hey. Get 'em while they're hot! - [cheering]

Are we gonna watch the ball, or we're not gonna watch the ball?

We got time to watch this first?

What you got there, Brodie?

It's my documentary, uh, on the Homicide Unit.

- All of you guys. - [Lewis] You made a documentary about us?

- [Brodie] Yeah, I spent all year doing it. - Really?

[man] The finest pizza pie in all of Baltimore...

[Munch] I hope you got my good side.

- [Bayliss] Do you have a good side, Munch? - [overlapping chatter]

[Lewis] You know, I brought pepperoni pizza, let's just eat them--

[Munch] Boys, boys.

[Pembleton] This better be more than good, Brodie.

[theme music playing]

[Pembleton] Wait, wait, wait. That doesn't make a whole hell of a lot of sense.

What does life and homicide have to do with each other?

I wanted to juxtapose life and death, the ying and the yang.

Homicide is so, uh-- You know, it's negative.

[Pembleton] Yes, it is. It doesn't get much more negative than homicide.

[suspenseful music playing]

[bicycle bell dings]

Mean Streets? What, are you ripping off Scorsese?

I wasn't ripping him off, I respect the man,

but he doesn't hold a candle to great documentary filmmakers

like Robert Frank, or Pennebaker, Maysles Brothers, or Ken Burns.

Oh, yeah, Ken Burns.

He's the only guy I ever heard to manage to make

something more boring than a baseball game:

a documentary about baseball.

[*]

Pretty tough room, Brodie. You sure you wanna do this?

An artist has to be fearless, Kay, you know.

There's fearless and there's crazy.

[Kellerman] Nice effect, Brodie. It's very professional.

[Brodie] Hey, I can loan you the software.

-What? - [Brodie] I might put some narration about

how I had to overcome a little bit of initial reluctance.

Bye.

- [Brodie] Just act natural, like I'm part of the furniture. - Bye.

Brodie, I--[sighs] Brodie.

[Munch] Ah, Detective Megan Russert.

Gone, but not forgotten.

-I hate being photographed. - [Munch] She'll be back.

The bright lights of Baltimore? Paris will pale in comparison.

[Giardello] Brodie, get the hell out of the way.

[Lewis] Hey, it's Frank. Bald again.

[Brodie] I shot this before you had the stroke.

Hey!

- [Rogers] Hey! - Hey, hey, hey! Sergeant Sally Rogers.

What have we got?

Llewellyen Kilduff.

Had some kind of altercation with his next door neighbor.

The shooter's name is Bennett Jackson.

Brodie, of all of the cases that we ever worked,

this is the one that you picked for your film?

Shame on you, Brodie. You are a sick and twisted soul.

Not as twisted as Mr. Jackson.

[Rogers] According to witnesses, words were exchanged,

Mr. Jackson went in his house, came out with a firearm,

walked up to Kilduff and shot him twice at close range.

- Oh. You recover a weapon? - Saturday Night Special.

Lucky it didn't blow up in his hand.

After he shot Mr. Kilduff, he shot Mrs. Kilduff,

and then he sat down on his swing and waited for the police.

He surrendered without incident.

[Bayliss] Hmm. Where's Mrs. Kilduff?

- [Rogers] University. - She gonna make it?

Looked like a DOA to me, but what do I know?

- Any idea what this is all about? - Not really.

The best explanation we could get from Mr. Jackson

was that he felt he had no choice.

[Pembleton] Oh, he had no choice. Okay, thank you.

Neighbor's out working in the yard and he whacks them.

Mr. Jackson. I'm Detective Bayliss.

This here is Detective Pembleton.

Has he read you your rights yet?

I shot 'em.

Both of 'em.

And I imagine you want me to go downtown

and sign a statement to that effect.

- [Pembleton] Okay, well, a uniform will take you down. - All right.

[Howard] I don't know how you two stand each other.

[Brodie] The rights of the suspect.

Give me your thoughts.

You are a citizen of a free nation.

Having lived your adult life in the land of guaranteed civil liberties,

you commit a crime of violence,

whereupon you are jacked up,

dragged down to police headquarters,

and deposited in a claustrophobic anteroom

containing three chairs, a table, and cold brick walls.

Have a seat, please.

And there you sit, for a half hour or more,

until a Homicide Detective-- a man who can in no way

be mistaken for a friend-- enters the room.

He offers you a cigarette.

Not your brand.

And begins an uninterrupted monologue,

which wanders back and forth for a half hour or so,

eventually coming to rest...

in a familiar place.

You have the right to remain silent.

You have got the absolute right to remain silent.

Of course you do. You're a criminal.

Criminals always have the right to remain silent.

We're talking about sacred freedoms here,

notably your Fifth Amendment protection against self-incrimination.

Hey, if it was good enough for Ollie North and Mark Fuhrman,

who the hell are you to incriminate yourself at the first opportunity?

Get it straight. A police detective paid government money to put you in prison

is explaining your absolute right to shut up before you say anything stupid.

[Bayliss] You might think this is a slam dunk.

[Pembleton] Our case being writ in black even as we speak.

- But you'd be wrong. - No, you'd be right.

We got the shooter, we got his gun,

we got beaucoup eyewitnesses, and the man's given it up.

- [whispers] We need the "why." - No, no, you need the why.

I don't need to know any more about the man or his problems than this.

He shot his neighbors then waited on his swing for the police to arrive,

so that he might surrender his freedom.

Mr. Jackson has been so helpful and so efficient,

to ask for more would be ungracious.

[Bayliss] Come on, Frank. One neighbor murders another,

and you don't wanna know what that means?

I know exactly what that means. Ten hours overtime,

and if Mr. Jackson would be kind enough to take it to trial,

another 20 hours court pay.

- You can't use that. - W-- what do you mean?

You gotta take all that stuff out of your film.

You can't have us joking about overtime like that.

Yeah, but you-- you said it.

I-- I-- I know I said it. The point is, I don't want anyone to hear me say it!

I'm a documentarian, Detective Pembleton,

and it's my job to honestly reflect reality.

[Howard] Oh, this is a real party, huh?

- [Brodie] Frank! Frank! Look out! - [tires screeching]

[crashing]

"Fender Bender Aphrodisiac"?

Is that the name of a grunge band?

[Pembleton] Of course I have car insurance,

but your rate's gonna go up too, I hope you realize that.

Well, why should they? You hit me.

[Pembleton] I'm more than willing to admit that.

No, no, no. Don't admit that, Frank.

- Don't admit to anything. - [woman] And who are you, his lawyer?

No, I'm just saying, let's just exchange

the insurance cards and we'll get on our way, okay?

[woman] No! No one is going anywhere until the cops get here.

[Pembleton] No, no. We are the cops.

We're detectives, Homicide detectives.

We're working a very important case.

Someone was murdered?

- [Bayliss] Oh, yes, ma'am. - [Pembleton] Mm-hmm.

Was it--[groans] Was it bad?

[Pembleton] Well, it was pretty bad, yes.

- It was quite grisly. - [Pembleton] Yeah.

- It-- Is it gonna be on the news? - [Pembleton inhales]

Well, uh, it's bound to be,

'cause something like this, it's so gruesome.

[Pembleton] I'll tell you what, here's my card.

This is my number down at police headquarters. Take your car to a body shop,

get an estimate, give me a call, and I'll send you a check.

- How about that? - [woman] Oh.

But isn't that against the law?

We'd be doing the taxpayers a favor.

Okay. All right. I guess.

Thank you. I appreciate that.

I'll call you.

Yes. You take-- you take-- you take care.

I'll watch you on the news.

- Thanks. - Okay.

What?

[laughing]

- She likes you. - [Pembleton laughs]

I don't know what it is, you know.

Ever since Mary got pregnant, women have been coming on to me.

It's an aphrodisiac is what it is.

It's more about her rear end.

Pembleton!

You filed a report

stating that the accident happened in a parking lot.

You gave me an elaborate song and dance

about some jerk that backed up into you in the mall

and then fled the scene of the accident

without leaving you so much as a note.

- Is that what I said? - [Bayliss laughing]

- [Giardello] What are you laughing at, Bayliss? - Huh?

The words "unindicted co-conspirator" mean anything to you?

Gosh, Gee, it was-- it was really just a fender bender.

Yeah, we'll have to discuss the ways

the two of you can make full restitution to the department.

They'll be garnishing your wages for the next 12 months.

Which proves my point again.

Even our modest expectations

vis-a-vis the new year, quickly disappear.

This is all Brodie's fault. You know how distracting it is

to have a camera in your face while you're driving?

Where are you going, Brodie?

- Oh, I just had to go to the bathroom. - Sit down!

I thank our friend Brodie, as this is all public service.

[Giardello] Let's continue.

Let's see what other lies,

what other hidden truths...

can be revealed.

[pensive music playing]

You see, anything that you say or write

may be used against you in a court of law.

Yo, bunky. Wake up.

Talking to a police detective in an interview room is only gonna hurt you.

If it could help, we'd be pretty quick to tell you that.

We'd stand up and tell you that you have a right not to worry.

Anything you say or write will be used

to help you in a court of law.

Your best bet is to shut up.

Shut up now.

So you're telling me a kid should be suspended

for bringing Aspirin to school?

Look, without rules, we're gonna have anarchy. Now, Aspirin's a drug.

If the rules say no drugs, then no drugs.

Yeah, excedrin, the great psychedelic.

[Kellerman] It's this one.

- [knocking on door] - Ed McMahon. We got a check for you!

[Brodie] Maybe he's not home.

Hello! I think he's going around the back.

I got this side.

[siren wailing]

- [tires squealing] - Freeze!

[Barry] Cut! Cut! Cut!

- What the hell's going on here? - You Barry Levinson!

- Yeah. - I went to high school with you!

What are you, Homicide? Homicide?

- Homicide here? - Yeah!

I'm a big fan of yours, Mr. Levinson.

- Nice to meet you. - How are you doing?

[Brodie] Gotta tell you, though, the real police here in Baltimore,

they don't-- they don't say, uh, "freeze."

- They don't? - It's a television thing, I think.

- Hey, guys! It's the real Homicide here. - [crew] Hey!

- [Barry] You guys never say "freeze"? - [Lewis] No.

- [Barry] Really? - [Lewis] No.

- We were misled by that. - Cut!

- Nice meeting you guys. - [Lewis] Hey, good meeting you, too.

[laughing]

[Giardello] "Homicide Home Page?" What does that mean?

[Kellerman] It's cyberspeak, Lieutenant.

[phone ringing]

[Munch] Ooh, montage! My favorite.

[Lewis] Very surrealistic. Love the lack of information.

I wouldn't wanna know what I'm looking at.

[Kellerman] But you do know what you're looking at.

You're looking at the coffee room TV.

[Munch] Don't you think this shot of the TV is over?

Thank God, camera movement. So exciting.

[Kellerman] A guy getting something from the fridge? That's exciting?

[Howard] Unless it's the Lunch Bandit.

- Who's the Lunch Bandit? - Dr. Cox, what are you doing here?

- Hey, yeah! You can't be working tonight. - [Munch whoops]

- The doctor is in! - [overlapping chatter]

I was at this party with hats and horns, the whole New Year's Eve nine yards,

and I got bored, so I thought I'd come down here

and see what you guys are up to.

Oh, there hasn't been a murder all night.

I'm just showing them the documentary I made on the Homicide Unit.

- Mind if I watch? - Nope.

- So, what have I missed? - Not a damn thing.

[Giardello] Take a seat. That boring party may soon not seem so boring.

- Thanks. - You're welcome.

So, who's the Lunch Bandit?

Well, no one knows,

but he's been stealing people's lunches for years.

[Lewis] That guy ain't gonna see the light of day.

Mr. Jackson, I just thought you'd be interested in knowing

that Mrs. Kilduff is still on the operating table.

He is full of remorse, aren't you?

Come on, Brodie, get out of the way!

[Brodie] Excuse me.

So, how long did you know the Kilduffs?

They moved into that house seven or eight years ago.

They bought it from the state when old Miss Floody passed on.

- I had to arrange it myself. - How's that?

Own my own funeral home.

Jackson and Sons, on Cherry Street.

Been in my family 80 years.

So, growing up in a funeral parlor,

you're a man who was on close terms with death?

Intimate. I've been around dead people all my life.

- They don't trouble me. - Is that what you were thinking when you shot the Kilduffs?

- Huh? - Had you been planning for their funeral for years?

Is that why you're so cool about all this?

It's not a question of temperature, detective.

Then what is it a question of, Mr. Jackson?

Is this about business? You needed a few new customers,

so you start with the neighbors? Is that it?

[Bayliss] You're no ordinary mortician, are you?

You like to see things through from start to finish.

You like to bump 'em and dump 'em?

Slab 'em and stab 'em? Pop 'em and pain 'em?

More bodies, more profit. You know how to run a business.

Business. Hmm.

Some people don't know how to mind their own.

Like the Kilduffs?

Always poking their noses where they didn't belong.

And that's why you shot 'em?

Because they knew something you didn't want them to know?

A man's got a right to his privacy.

Well, what is it exactly that you didn't want them to know?

[scoffs] You married, Mr. Jackson?

- 41 years. - Where's your wife?

Glen Birney.

Chestfield Nursing Home.

How long have you been living by yourself, Mr. Jackson?

You mind your business, detective, and I'll mind mine.

Bet he was messing around with Mrs. Kilduff.

Sex triangle with the neighbors, you know what I'm saying?

Not even close, Meldrick.

[clicks tongue] Not even.

You see, you have the right to talk to an attorney at any time.

Before any questions, before answering any questions

or during any questioning.

Now, the man who wants to arrest you for violating

the peace and dignity of the great state of Maryland says

you can talk to a trained professional, an attorney,

who's read the relevant code,

or he's gotten his hands on some Cliff Notes.

Let's face it, pal.

You just carved up some drunk in a Dundalk Avenue bar,

or bludgeoned your wife to death with a pickaxe,

that don't make you a brain surgeon.

You're gonna need the help of an expert.

Believe me. Take whatever help you can get.

He's right.

[Munch] Been here, done that.

[Brodie] It's not the same shot. Just watch.

That's definitely the Lunch Bandit. That's-- that's my container!

What are you doing, Brodie? You gotta pull back!

Hey, Brodie. How's it hanging?

- Wait. Where did he go? - The fast little bastard!

I-- I remember that day. I-- The Lunch Bandit hit me!

I had a leftover souvlaki from the Venetia Deli and I was looking forward to it.

Come on, Brodie, you nailed him! Who is it?

Hey, sit down! Just wait and see.

[Pembleton] Stubborn, stubborn, stubborn.

[Bayliss] In his mind, he was right.

[Giardello] Every killer thinks he's right.

[upbeat jazz melody playing]

[song lyrics playing]

[*]

[song lyrics playing]

[*]

[song lyrics playing]

[Brodie] Okay, so we'll start again in five minutes.

- It's weird. - What?

Seeing myself. Seeing me before the stroke.

I look at the screen and I think...

"Who the hell is that?"

I'm not saying life can't get better, I'm saying it won't.

- You see the difference? - [Lewis] Yeah, I see the difference.

[Pembleton] Come on, let's get this show on the road. I'm not gonna miss the ball.

My, Cinderella, what big feet you have!

I want that ball to fall in Times Square.

The phone still hasn't rung.

Mark my words, it's just a matter of time.

[Brodie] All right.

What are you focusing on when you first sit down with a suspect?

The detective has informed you of your rights.

He wants you to be protected, he says.

Because, he says, there's nothing that concerns him more

than giving you every possible assistance

in this very confusing and stressful moment in your life.

And the detective wants you to know,

and we've been doing this a lot longer than you have,

so you can take our word for it.

Your rights to counsel aren't all they're cracked up to be.

Once you actually up and call for that lawyer, son,

there ain't a damn thing we can do for you.

No, sir. Your good friends in the Homicide Unit are gonna

have to lock you all alone in this room,

and the next authority figure to scan your case

will be a no-nonsense prosecutor from the Violent Crimes Unit,

with the official title, "Assistant State's Attorney for the City of Baltimore."

And God help you then,

because a ruthless bloodsucker like that

will have an O'Donnell Heights motorhead like yourself

halfway to the gas chamber before you get three words out.

Your best bet is to speak up.

Speak up now.

Hey, Brodie. Get a life, man.

So the bear says, "You didn't come here to hunt, did you?"

M&M. Mi casa es su casa.

- What will it be? - [Lewis groans]

- A beer. - Import or domestic?

Hey, Brodie. Get a life, man.

[Bayliss] Didn't we just see this?

[Cox] Yeah, Brodie, obviously you screwed up.

It's a choice. It's a cinematic statement.

- [Cox] Yeah, it looks like a mistake to me. - [Pembleton] I like it.

It speaks to the repetitive and essentially meaningless nature of police work.

- Import or domestic? - [Kellerman] Domestic.

I could do without.

Wow, this is really dramatic stuff.

[Kellerman] A glass of beer.

Yes, Brodie, the whole thing needs more action.

[man] Lived here 12 years.

Can't say I spoke to the man more than two, three times.

Mm-hmm. You mean he was a loner?

He kept to himself, sure. But he was no loner.

When the wife went away, Jackson had his share of company.

You mean women?

He'd have the lights on till the early morning hours.

Music playing, laughter.

Not that I cared or anything.

- Right, right. - No, no. Of course not.

The Kilduffs, though...

they felt otherwise.

Yeah, Mrs. Kilduff, she was always complaining.

She'd go on and on about the neighborhood,

how we gotta keep it nice, keep it clean, and keep it quiet.

Did Mrs. Kilduff ever complain about Bennett Jackson?

All the time. She didn't approve of his lifestyle.

She said he lowered the tone of the neighborhood.

Did you see many people come and go from Jackson's house?

Yeah, he had ladies there late at night.

Always brought them over in his hearse.

[girl chuckling]

[Pembleton] Do you have any idea what this is about, Levon?

The bad blood between your uncle and the Kilduffs?

My uncle's a good man. He's there for anyone who needs him.

I don't think he could kill somebody.

He said he did it.

- Oh? - Yeah.

Then he did it.

My uncle don't lie.

How long you been working for him?

[Levon] Since high school.

- Good boss? - The best.

He don't jack up the bill if you rich,

or wrap you up in old newspapers if you're poor.

- He's straight up on that. - [Bayliss] Uh-huh.

Wh-- what about his private life?

Your aunt's in a nursing home. Was he seeing any woman?

We talked to the neighbors, they've said--

Why you got to ask about the man's backroom time?

My uncle's a good man.

He got a good heart.

[Cox] Uh-oh, here we go again.

Hey, Brodie. Get a life, man.

Brodie, ever hear of something called too much of a good thing?

M&M! Mi casa es su casa.

- What will it be? - [Lewis groans]

- A beer. - Import or domestic?

Oh, I-- I get it. It's-- it's a nightmare.

We're caught in a loop, right?

Yeah, I saw this once in The Twilight Zone.

Guy walks into a bar, orders his favorite beer

over and over again and they never have it.

- How about you, Meldrick? - What do you think, Munch?

- [Munch] The usual? - You got it, babe.

Seven and Seven, good choice.

- How about you, Brodie? What do you want? - [Brodie] No, thanks.

And please, don't talk directly into the camera.

- Yeah. Okay. - [Kellerman chuckling]

- [Pembleton] Hey, hey, hey! - [Munch] Whoa!

- You guys solve your case? - Yep.

- Nope. - [Munch] Well, which is it?

[Pembleton] Tim's tormented, again, by the "why."

Tim is always tormented. I got a "why" question for you, Bayliss.

- Why do you always have to know the "why"? - Well, we got our "why."

The husband is having an affair. He doesn't want his wife to find out.

The neighbors are snooping around, so he shoots them down.

- Bada-bing. - There's more to it, Frank.

I think that we should go talk to Mrs. Jackson.

Mrs. Jackson is in a Glen Birney nursing home.

You wanna talk to her about her husband's extramarital affairs?

You got your confession. Leave the woman alone.

Know what your problem is, Timmy?

- [Bayliss] I don't got a problem. - You let things haunt you.

- No, I don't. - Yeah, you do.

[Bayliss] No, no.

- I know what you're thinking. - [Kellerman] What are we thinking?

- Adena Watson? - That's what I'm thinking. Is that what you're thinking?

- That's exactly what I'm thinking. - [Bayliss] Yeah. Yeah.

Well, you know, uh, not everything always rolls

back around to that one case.

I think you just might be a little too sensitive for police work.

You know, you just let things nag at you.

I mean, you're the opposite of a nag, right? You're a nagee.

- [Lewis and Pembleton laugh] - A nagee?

Yeah. A nagee. It's in the dictionary. Look it up.

Yeah, listen, the only thing that's nagging me around here, Kellerman, is you.

Well, the answer to your question, John,

is, um, yeah, we closed this case.

Repeat after me. "I am done with this case."

Goodbye.

[all] "I am done

with this case!"

Yeah, see? Where are you going, man?

[Bayliss] I am moving on with my life.

- [indistinct] - Hey!

The man who wants to put you in prison,

the man who is not your friend, he comes in and he says, uh,

"Black with sugar, right?"

Yeah, the coffee is fine, man.

Um, what-- what happens if I want a lawyer, huh?

Then we'll get you a lawyer. That's no problem at all.

We got a whole pocket full of lawyers out there, but...

but maybe you should think first.

- Hmm? - Think.

Because, see, this is your opportunity

to tell me what really happened.

All right? He came at you, didn't he?

He came at you. You were scared. Who would blame you?

And it was self-defense.

Your mouth opens to speak.

He came at you, huh?

- Uh-huh. You venture cautiously. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Before we do that, I gotta get you your rights' forms,

rights' forms, rights' forms.

That's the problem with them things.[sighs]

There's never any around when you want them. It's like a cop, right?

[chuckling]

- There you go. Read that. - Um...

"I'm willing to answer questions

and I don't want an attorney at this time.

My decision to answer questions

without having an attorney present

is free and voluntary on my part."

Just sign the bottom of the form.

[pen scrapes on paper]

The detective looks up at you,

eyes soaked with innocence...

He came at you.

Yeah.

He, um...

Yeah. He, uh-- he came at me.

- Yeah. - Hey!

- I need to take a break. - [Howard] Hey, hey! Whoa!

The champagne I drank, it's going right through me.

- I'm going in my office. - [Lewis coughs]

- Where's Cox? - Where's Kellerman?

[soft music playing]

Happy New Year.

Happy New Year.

[*]

- What? - A one-night stand is fine.

It's actually fine, but it's not how to start a relationship.

I totally agree. I want-- I want us to have a chance.

Yeah, so do I.

Great. I have an idea.

- You and me, we'll go out on a date. - What?

You know, like a real date-date, right?

I'll pick you up and we'll go see a movie or something.

And when that's all over, I'll just-- I'll walk you home,

and I don't know, I'll get a little peck on the lips.

No sex?

Whatever, right? We'll just, you know, we'll have a conversation.

Well, it's different...

[laughing]

- Yeah, okay. - All right. Um, Thursday.

- Thursday. Good. - Great.

- Fine. - Good.

- Let's go back. - Let's go.

[Bayliss] If you don't wanna talk to me, that's fine.

And if you want a lawyer, you know something? That's fine, too.

Because A, I have no relation to the guy you killed.

- [Kellerman] Excuse me. - [Bayliss] And B, no matter what you say,

I am gonna get my overtime and my pension.

[Lewis] At last. The juicy stuff.

[Munch] Must be some other Homicide shift.

No sex and mystery around here.

[Lewis laughing] I can't believe it.

[all exclaiming]

Where the hell did you get this, Brodie?

[whoops]

[Brodie chuckling]

I don't know. Call it crazy luck?

The right place, the right time.

Okay, Kay. Who the hell is this guy? You gotta tell us.

It's none of your business!

You know, I tried and tried to find out!

That's pathetic. A room full of so-called ace detectives

and can't none of us nail down the identity of Kay's secret lover.

Hold on a sec. Give me that. Wait.

- I recognize that guy. - Get out of here. You do not!

- Oh, yeah. I know who that is. - [Howard] What are you talking about?

[whispering]

[detectives cheering]

[overlapping chatter]

- [Bayliss] There you go. - [Kellerman] Thanks.

[Howard] Now, wait a second, Gee. I don't think I met them.

- Gee! - [chuckling]

[Munch] Whoa, Gee!

It was a night to remember.

Yeah, well, I, for one, would like to know more! Much more.

- We had an excellent risotto. - [Munch] Mm-hmm.

- With mussels. - Ooh, mussels. Talk to me, Gee.

Accompanied by...

a very respectable Chianti.

- Oh. - [Munch] Mm-hmm.

[Giardello] And, uh...

- for dessert... - Don't tell me.

- Gelati. - [all cheering]

[Bayliss exclaiming]

- [Bayliss] Whoa! - [Munch] Wow!

[Bayliss whoops]

[Howard] Oh, Meldrick, you're steppin' out on Barbara.

- No! - And it's not even your paper anniversary,

- whatever the first one is. - Let's face it, men are pigs.

I was not cheating on Barbara, okay? Let's put it to rest.

You and Detective Stivers. [laughing]

Gee, Detective Stivers and I were having a meal.

We're trying to figure out a way to get Luther Mahoney

off the streets once and for all.

It doesn't look like a business meeting.

There are business meetings, and then there's-- there's business meetings.

A word to the wise, Meldrick?

Nix the horizontal rumba with a fellow detective.

- Don't dip your wick in a company ink. - I wasn't. Okay?

[Pembleton & Lewis laughing]

[Lewis] Why you wanna film that for, Brodie?

[Pembleton] What can I say? I'm a role model.

A walking advertisement for family values.

My very own shining city on the hill.

It's my colleagues who are sad, lonely sociopaths.

[Kellerman] You think I'm a sociopath, huh?

[Munch groans in film]

[Pembleton] No. Not like Munch.

[moans, slurps]

[Munch chuckling] That's great.

You know, I didn't realize I photograph so well.

Yeah.

[Pembleton] Or Bayliss.

Nice shot, Bayliss.

[Lewis laughing]

- [Brodie whistles in film] - Huh?

Oh.

Give me that!

Brodie, I will never, ever speak to you

as long as I live, ever again.

- [Brodie] Why? - [Bayliss] I will treat you like Nixon treated Agnew.

Wait, wait! I just want--

I had to show you, warts and all,

because you're the hero of the piece, Bayliss.

- I'm the hero? - Yes.

Okay.

[Howard chuckles]

Why you gotta go through all my uncle's things like this?

Cameras.

[Lewis] Uh-oh, Bayliss found his baseball card collection.

[Munch] What are they? What did you find?

Satisfied?

[Howard] Zoom in, Brodie, zoom in.

Get out of here! Get out of-- Later!

[Bayliss] Ah, Mr. Jackson. How are they treating you--

- [door slams] - [Brodie] Hey!

[Bayliss] My partner and me, we got some, uh--

a few things we'd like to straighten out about your case.

We know about the other women, Mr. Jackson.

[Bayliss] Yeah, so did the Kilduffs.

In fact, they-- they threatened to tell your wife.

My wife has Alzheimer's. Nothing you could tell her that would matter.

Besides, I didn't do anything wrong.

By whose standards?

You went into my home? You went into my things?

Of course we did, 'cause that's our job.

Our job is to find out about you.

See?

Every single thing!

You sick son of a bitch.

[Kellerman] No way! He took stiffs from his funeral home, he dresses them up,

and he puts 'em around his dinner table?

I was lonely. I didn't harm anyone.

The Kilduffs couldn't understand that.

But you understand.

Don't you?

Yeah. Absolutely.

You're history.

And if I wasn't so busy writing up your statement, I'd probably tell you so.

I'd say, "Son, you are ignorance personified,

and you just put yourself in for the murder of a human being."

I might even admit to you that after all my years working murders,

I'm still a little amazed that anyone utters a word in this room.

Think about it, son.

When you came through those doors, what did the sign say?

Homicide Unit, that's right. Who lives in a Homicide Unit?

And what do homicide detectives do for a living?

[clicks tongue] You got it, bunk.

And tonight, you took somebody's life.

So when you opened your mouth,

what in God's name were you thinking?

- [applauding] - Hey, not bad, Brodie. Not bad.

Although I'd cut down that last speech.

But wait, there's more.

[Howard] He's back!

[Bayliss] Wait a minute.

- [Pembleton exclaims] - It's Gaffney!

- Gaffney's the dang Lunch Bandit! - [Kellerman] Unbelievable!

Congratulations, Brodie! You just solved

the longest running open case in Homicide history.

- You are a genius! - Thank you.

- [Brodie exclaims] - Gaffney, that stooge!

- I should've known it was him. - Yeah, Gee, what do you think?

You gonna-- you gonna bring charges up on him?

I say we put him in the box and sweat it out of him.

Make him take a polygraph!

- [all cheering] - [Kellerman] There you go.

I'll look into it. Let me have a copy of this.

You know, as a matter of fact, I'll take the original for safekeeping.

- I don't have the original. - What?

[Brodie clears throat]

I sold it to PBS.

- [Bayliss] Huh? - Excuse me?

Public Broadcasting System. PBS. It's gonna be a special.

I mean, Bill Moore's probably gonna narrate the whole thing.

Brodie, do you know what you have done?

We're all gonna be on, uh, national television,

behaving like-- like---

[Brodie] Like you actually are.

No, that's not the point.

We never thought about how it looks.

We're out there and we're messing with suspects

and we're joking over the bodies,

but you can't show that to the public, Brodie.

That stuff is personal. That's supposed to stay right here in the station house.

You think you have a problem? What about poor Mr. Jackson,

who murdered two of his neighbors to keep a secret?

And along you come with your cameras and your questions and boom.

All of America is watching his weird little life.

Yeah, Brodie, why'd you pick this case for your little movie?

Wait! Wait! All right? Everybody just hold on a second.

You see, the thing is, is I made this documentary

not because I wanted to embarrass anybody,

but because I wanted to tell the truth.

And when you're after the truth, then, yeah.

Privacy goes out the window.

I mean, that's the way-- that's the way it is for you, right?

Poking through victims' drawers and closets,

dredging up the dirt of their life,

breaking on a suspect till there's nothing left but the bare facts.

What about the morgue? You guys, you're over there every day,

y-- you're drinking your coffee standing over men and women

that are being stripped and disassembled.

Let's be honest. I mean, you guys are detectives.

You live in other people's lives,

and no, it doesn't bother you.

It's not about the privacy, it's about the work.

It's about pushing past all the lies and all of the crap

and getting to what's real.

And that's what I learned from you guys,

and that's what this film is all about.

[crowd cheering on TV]

Hey, hey. Ten...

[all] ...nine, eight, seven,

six, five, four, three,

two, one!

Happy New Year!

[celebratory music playing]

[overlapping chatter]

[Bayliss] Happy new year.

[phone ringing]

[Pembleton] Homicide, Pembleton.

- [Bayliss] Homicide. - [Kellerman] Homicide, Kellerman.

- [Howard] Howard. - [Lewis] Homicide. Lewis.

[upbeat music playing]

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