Original subtitles

[radio host] Hey, listeners! Drive time, prime time.

How you doing? Know what I'm sick of?

People. I'm sick of people.

Every night when I ride home, people.

I look around, all I see is people, people, people.

You fat people, you thin people,

you rich people, you poor people,

you smart people, you stupid people.

Stupid people!

Everyone's pushing, and poking, and prodding,

and crowding, and in the way, and they smell.

What's my solution? I'll tell you my solution.

Arbitrary death sentence.

One out of every five people in this country

should be shot on their 20th birthday.

That's right, shot!

Think of it as a death lottery.

The winner checks out,

gives the rest of us more room to breathe.

Thank you. So write your congressman, okay?

Speaking of going home, it's time for me to sign off.

This is Kevin Lugo, WJHU Radio, Baltimore.

Good night.

[road din]

[Lewis whistling]

Good morning.

- Maybe. - Maybe?

Yeah, maybe it'll be a good morning, maybe it won't.

It's a little too early to tell, I'd say.

You know what your problem is, Kellerman?

You are afraid to commit.

Me, on the other hand, I am committed to commitment.

If I say it's going to be a good morning,

I commit to the idea that it's gonna be a good morning.

Well, bully for you.

- I look different to you? - Different?

Yeah, you know, just different.

No.

No? I don't look--

I mean, I feel flushed. I feel like a--

I'm not a blusher, per se, but if I was to blush, I would--

- Meldrick! - Huh?

You're babbling. What's the matter?

Nothing is the matter.

What could be the matter? This is a banner day.

I'm getting married today.

[Lewis retching]

[theme song playing]

[music fades]

You okay?

- Yeah, never better. - You sure?

[sighs] Yeah, I'm sure.

Because you look like hell.

Must have been something I ate. [groans]

Must have been the damn clams at Dora's.

I swear to God, I'm never gonna eat there again.

That's where you proposed? Dora's?

Yeah, that's where I proposed. Dora's.

- You're not serious. - Serious as a heart attack.

You're really going to get married?

Yeah.

I'm really going to get married.

- When? - Tonight.

How can you get married tonight?

I called up the Right Reverend Hartley

of the Universal Life Church.

I told him of my flight.

He said, "No problem. I'll take care of everything."

Meldrick, I hate to break the news to you,

but usually when you get married,

you get married to someone.

Usually, though not always,

someone of the female persuasion.

And since such a female does not exist,

you cannot possibly get married.

What are you talking about? Of course she exists.

If she exists, she has a name.

- Barbara. - Well, Barbara what?

Huh?

- Shivers. - Shivers.

You're marrying someone named Barbara Shivers?

[Lewis] What, you got a problem with that?

[Kellerman] No, I got no problem with that, other than the fact

that until this very moment, I never heard of Barbara Shivers.

And now, all of a sudden, you're going to marry her?

Well, so I need your permission to get married?

Permission? No, no, no.

I just, you know, I would have appreciated

maybe a little warning, a clue, a nudge, a wink.

You know, something. I am your partner.

Partners share the deepest secrets. You share nothing.

So all of a sudden, my wedding is an issue about your feelings.

- Is that it? - And what kind of name is Shivers anyway?

"Oh, Meldrick. Shiver me timbers."

Please, I mean, come on. Where'd you meet her?

In some strip joint on the block?

[all shouting]

Okay, I'm cool. I'm all right. I'm cool.

Barbara is a saint, okay?

If you ever say another bad word about her again,

I will rip your tongue from your throat.

I'm cool. I'm all right. I'm cool.

- Okay. - [Lewis] I'm all right. I'm cool.

That's all I had to say. Just remember that.

We've got a dead body out in Mount Washington.

- Who wants to go? - Oh, Frank and I will go.

Nah, I was counting on you guys to take care of the flowers.

- Flowers? - Yeah.

Megan and I will to go out, Gee.

Well, actually, I was hoping y'all two would pitch in

with the food, and the drinks and stuff, for the reception.

- Reception? - Yeah, at the Belvedere.

I got the room. I got a kickin' little band.

And it's just, time is running short, so I'm just asking everybody

to pitch in, and help me with the rest of the stuff.

Details.

What are you talking about?

He's getting married.

Yeah, uh-huh. Today when the shift ends.

First you make me late

by taking the longest shower in the history of showers.

Now, what am I going to do with you now that you're here?

I didn't fly 4,500 miles just to sit alone at your place.

Well, why don't you go out to the Chesapeake and visit Dad?

I don't want to visit Dad. I want to visit you.

- Carrie, I-- - [Giardello] Kay. Oh, there you are.

Gee, look, sorry I'm late.

I just-- This is my sister Carrie.

She's visiting from Florence, Italy.

[both speaking in Italian]

- [Giardello] Thank you. - [Carrie] What is that dialect? Sicilian?

I have never heard an American

who can speak with such beautiful accent.

Gee, what was it you wanted?

Oh, well, there's a shooting in Mount Washington.

You're going out on a case?

Yeah, I'll explain in the car. Let's go.

Very nice to meet you. Arrivederci.

[Carrie] Oh, ciao.

Gee, what am I going to do with my sister?

- Oh, I'll come with you. - No.

Howard... [speaking in Italian]

That means, "Howard, move your ass."

Look, my desk is just inside this door, first one on the left.

You sit there. You don't do anything.

- Don't even answer the phone. - [Giardello] Kay! Kay!

- Got it. - Kay!

- Ciao. - Ciao.

Ciao.

So, Frank, you and Bayliss, you'll be in charge of flowers, okay?

Spot me, right? I'm good for it. Scout's honor.

I don't know anything about flowers.

What kind of flowers?

- White flowers. - Lilies.

Oh, right.

And Megan, you and Munch,

you need to call up to the Belvedere Hotel.

You need to talk to a Thomas Wright.

- He's my point man right up there, okay? - Uh-huh.

And you think maybe you could front me

for the booze, and food, and stuff?

- [Russert laughs] - What? What's funny?

Wait, you want me to front you?

Yeah, just until my next paycheck.

Okay, so now I'm an investor in your marriage, huh?

Meldrick, you better not screw this up.

Just think how good it's going to be for your karma.

Okay.

I need Brodie. Okay, now who's seen Brodie?

I'm going to film the whole thing, lock, stock, and barrel.

The reception, the wedding, the whole--

Am I talking to myself here? Where's Brodie?

- He's in his hole. - Okay.

All right, so everybody remember,

the Belvedere, five o'clock sharp, all right?

- [all] Okay. - Okay, that does it.

Now, I just want to--

I want to say that this is, without a doubt,

going to be the biggest moment of my life.

And when I'm laying there on my deathbed, dying.

I want to remember this moment,

and I'm just really grateful

that y'all are going to be part of it.

Yeah, right. It's a joke!

- Yeah, it's a joke. - [Russert] Definitely a joke.

He threw up. That wasn't a joke.

[Pembleton] I'm going to call the Belvedere Hotel

and see if this Thomas Wright actually exists.

[Kellerman whistles]

Who's she?

[Bayliss] I don't know.

[Bayliss grunts]

Hi.

Hi.

- Who are you? - Carrie.

Oh, Kay's sister. I'm from Florence.

She told me to sit right here and not do a thing.

[laughs] Hi.

Okay, I just spoke with Thomas Wright

from the Belvedere Hotel, and he confirms

that a Meldrick Lewis did indeed reserve the Rose Room

for a wedding reception tonight at five.

- Has he paid for it? - Cash.

Yeah, Mr. Wright is in on it.

I tell you, we're being set up.

[Howard] Meldrick's getting married?

That's what he says.

[laughs] Meldrick? No.

Why is that a joke?

Oh, can you imagine Meldrick married?

Please.

I'll tell you the truth, no, I can't.

Yeah, well, there you go.

He says it's tonight. What the big rush, you know?

Well, if this is a joke,

I'm going to bust him down to a traffic cop.

[Howard laughs]

My sister's insane.

She seems very pleasant to me.

Perceptive.

Trust me, she's nuts.

How crazy can she be, living in Florence?

The Arno flowing past the ancient piazzi,

The Uffizi, with its Botticellis and Leonardos, huh?

You ever been there, Gee?

No.

[dramatic music playing]

Body's over here, Lieutenant.

Still had his wallet on him. Name's Kevin Lugo.

- Kevin Lugo, the radio guy? - [officer] I don't know.

He had 100 bucks in his wallet, so this wasn't a robbery.

Another commuter found him about a half hour ago on his way to work.

He doesn't know anything, but we got him

in the back of the squad car, if you want to talk to him.

What you got, Scheiner?

[Scheiner] Male, Caucasian.

Shot six times.

Looks like a nine millimeter hole to me.

Oh, but what do I know,

I'm just an aging medical examiner. [chuckles]

How long you say you think he's been dead?

I'm guessing at least eight hours,

not more than 24.

[Giardello] What have you got?

That's a nine millimeter, all right.

We got shell casings all over the ground.

Kevin Lugo. Damn.

I liked his radio show.

I gotta warn you, sir, he's been drinking.

At eight in the morning? Where does he work?

Downtown, for the city, Highway Department.

- What's his name? - Clarence Kerr.

- Mr. Kerr? - That's me.

I'm Al Giardello, Baltimore Police Homicide.

When did you find the body?

Time's a little bit tricky for me right now.

This morning, around eight.

Tell me what you saw.

[sighs] Parked my car.

Got out.

Noticed that other car.

Noticed the newspaper.

Bent down to pick up the newspaper.

Thought it might be today's.

I saw him lying there.

You didn't see anything or anyone else?

Nope.

Are you going to arrest me for drunk driving?

Yes, sir.

I don't suppose it would do any good

if I told you I was awake all night?

No, sir.

My old buddy, R. C. Gilbert.

Last thing I remember,

he was intercepting a Towson High pass,

gliding 60 yards downfield for a touchdown.

Moved like a deer.

Now he's dead.

Heart attack.

He was 46.

You know, you're really frightening.

- So, how's Florence? - Nice.

Nice. Yeah.

You know, I can just picture that.

- Nice. - What do you do there?

Well, these days I have a shop.

We make sandals.

- Oh. - Oh, really? I love sandals.

All those little toes.

They don't have any lilies. I can't find lilies.

Tim? Tim? Tim?

- Tim? Tim? Tim? - What? What?

Will you please hit the phones,

and help me find some damn lilies?

I'm on it, Frank.

I'll be right back, all right? You stay right here.

[chuckles] I'll be here. I'm under strict orders.

Get those lilies.

So, tell me about those sandals.

- Is everything cool? - Everything's cool.

All right, you show up a little before five.

The Belvedere Hotel reception is to follow.

- All right? - All right.

All right, now, where is this all taking place?

In the Belvedere Hotel. The Rose Room.

That's exactly right. Okay, now, think big here.

Think technical. I'm talking cinema scope here.

- Epic. - Epic. Good. Thank you.

- I won't let you down. - All right. I know you won't.

I have to go see my fiancée, my bride-to-be.

[Russert] Sounds good. How much for that?

How much?

For 17 measly, scrawny chickens?

Oh, come on.

No, forget it, Mr. Wright.

I just talked to Lewis.

He wants me to shoot the Ben-Hur of wedding videos.

- This is a joke, right? - You think it's a joke?

Well, I mean, the guy's a jokester.

I mean, that's the kind of guy he is.

- [Russert laughs] - It's probably a joke.

He's got Giardello out on a case.

Now, he's not going to go that far.

That would be nuts. That would be suicide.

Who is that?

Oh, that's Kay's sister from Florence.

You're prettier.

[engine revving]

[protesters all shouting]

[man] "It was a long walk down that dark alley,

past broken dreams and washed-out souls

moaning in the night like drunken banshees.

Suddenly, a shot rang out."

[gunshot popping]

"I ran into the shadows.

I ran from death. I ducked into the doorway..."

Mr. Lupkis?

I'm Sergeant Howard. This is Lieutenant Giardello.

We called you about Kevin Lugo.

I can't listen to this anymore.

So, who killed Lugo?

We don't know yet.

[Howard] What can you tell us about him?

He was a jerk.

But he was the best talker I had.

- Good, solid ratings. - Wife?

He gave up trying after number four.

- Family? - They live in Hawaii.

- Honolulu, I think. - Enemies?

[Mr. Lupkis] Yeah, half the city of Baltimore.

Kevin liked to spice up his opinions with opinions. You know what I mean?

What are those people protesting outside the office?

Kevin felt that abortion should not only be a woman's right,

but it should be an obligation of all prospective mothers

with an IQ of less than 100.

He said that on the radio?

Repeatedly. As recently as yesterday.

[Giardello] I thought it was real interesting stuff, myself.

Yeah, did I mention he got good ratings?

This, however, will not get good ratings.

This will suck us down the toilet.

All right, well, thank you very much for your time.

Oh, wait a minute.

Did I mention that the station's offering

a $5,000 reward for information leading to the arrest

and conviction of the martyr who killed Kevin?

[Giardello] That's not a good idea.

All you get is a lot of cranks looking to buy a new car.

[Mr. Lupkis] Oh, too late. It's a done deal.

We broadcast it on the news 15 minutes ago.

- I'm gonna get in trouble. - [Kellerman] Why?

Kay told me just to sit at her desk.

I think that a visit to the coffee room

is definitely allowed.

- You don't know my sister. - I know your sister.

- Oh, she's tough. - She is.

She thinks if she turns her back,

the chaos is gonna overwhelm the world.

When she flies, she doesn't like to talk.

- You know why? - Why?

Well, because she has to concentrate,

and help the pilot.

[both chuckling]

- Can I ask you something? - Sure.

A guy proposes to a woman over clams, right?

And she says, "Yes."

He says, "How about we do it tomorrow night?"

And she says, "Yes."

And he says, you know, "Who needs a minister

or a priest, right, or a rabbi?

Let's get us some mail-order screwball."

And she says, "Fine."

Does this sound plausible to you?

It sounds romantic.

- Romantic? - Sure.

A girl loves to be swept off her feet.

[Bayliss] Kellerman.

Kellerman. Hey, you got a call, line two.

Oh. I'll be right back.

[Carrie] Hello again.

- Hi. - [Carrie chuckles]

[Bayliss sighs]

So,

what kind of sandals?

Hello.

Hey, I heard on the radio Kevin Lugo ate a bullet.

Kevin Lugo, Baltimore radio personality.

Shot close range, no witnesses.

Hello?

- Hello? - Kevin Lugo? I loved that guy.

He could have been the next Lenny Bruce.

Yeah, well, he only had about a zillion enemies

on account of his delightful opinions

expressed on the airwaves.

My first job as a foot soldier in I don't know how many years,

and it's a stone-cold whodunit.

- Where's my sister? - [Giardello] Kellerman.

- Has anyone seen my sister? - [Kellerman] Yeah.

Is Lewis serious about this marriage business?

That's a good question. He's only my partner, so I don't have a clue.

Except that I don't trust the bastard.

Has anyone seen my sister?

She was supposed to be sitting right here.

She's in the coffee room with Bayliss.

[Howard] Thank you very much.

I want to talk to Lewis. Kellerman.

Find him.

But Gee, I'm just in the middle of something right here.

Find him now.

- Kay. - Uh-huh.

Check our local anti-abortion files

and see if we can get lucky and find a sociopath among them.

My sister's on the loose. You have no idea.

Your sister's going to be fine. I want to close this case.

Lilies of the valley. Lilies of the field.

Tall lilies. Short lilies.

What am I doing out grazing greenhouses

and spending my money, which I will never see again,

even though Lewis says on his word of honor,

I'm just fronting for him.

Is Lewis playing us for laughs here?

I think that we'll all show up in six hours

at the Rose Room of the Belvedere Hotel,

and Lewis will be there waiting with a big grin, and no bride.

Mr. Wright. Megan Russert again.

Yeah, listen, we'll take those chicken dinners, okay?

Yeah, 17. Now, let's talk tiramisu.

- Hey. - Hey.

- What are you doing out here? - Thinking.

Well, Gee wants to see you.

He wants to know if this whole wedding thing's a hoax.

A hoax? Why does he think that?

Meldrick, come on. Look at me.

- What? - Look me in the eye.

Now, you tell me that this whole wedding thing is not a joke.

- It's not a joke. - You swear on your mother's grave,

on everything that you hold holy, this isn't a joke?

My mama ain't dead, but I swear on everything I hold holy.

If you're lying, God is going to strike you with lightning, and you will die.

I'm telling you the truth. Why don't you believe me?

- Because it's ridiculous. - What is?

This whole thing. Who is this woman?

Who is this Barbara Shivers? Where'd you meet her?

Fells Point Festival. The taco stand.

That was seven months ago.

What are you, a cop, Kellermeister?

No, I mean, seven months,

and you never bothered to tell me?

I didn't want to jinx it. Come on, man.

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

Don't spin out on me. Now, I need you.

You're going to be my best man.

- I don't believe you. - Here's the ring. Hmm?

Belvedere Hotel. Five o'clock sharp.

I have a date with matrimony.

[Howard] Palmer, Washington, Alexandria.

We have more anti-abortion groups around here

than gas stations.

Any killers among the principal few?

Unpaid speeding tickets.

Unlawful assembly. That's about the worst of it.

- What about you? - I don't know.

Maybe I missed something on the crime scene. I didn't notice.

Maybe it was something in the medical examiner's report.

[chuckles] Hey, now, wait a second.

I was at the crime scene, too, remember?

And I read the ME's report.

Are you saying I lost my touch?

No, no, no, no.

It's just that I, you know, my mind, it's like a train.

It can't get going. It stops and starts and starts.

Kay, Gee.

I'm getting married tonight at five o'clock

in the Rose Room of the Belvedere Hotel.

And I hope that you and my other friends

and associates in the squad room will be able to attend.

This is not a joke.

I'm happier now than I've ever been in my entire life.

The misery that I share with other slobs in this building

is about to come to an end

because I have found the smartest, sexiest, funniest,

most wonderful woman in the world,

and I intend to hold on to her.

So, with your kind permission, I'd like to retire to my home

to prepare for the nuptials.

- Oh, permission granted. - [Lewis] Thank you, Gee.

I hope you both will be able to attend.

[Howard] We'll do our best.

And thank you very much for covering for me

during my time.

[phone ringing]

Gee.

[Mr. Lupkis] Meet, um, Simon Jackson.

What's up?

[Mr. Lupkis] Mr. Jackson has a tale to tell.

About the Lugo case?

Yeah, I must have got 100 phone calls

from people calling up and saying

they wish they'd shot Kevin.

I know who offed the guy.

- [Giardello] Who? - Raymond Desassy.

And who is Raymond Desassy?

He's a lowlife, like me.

Word came down on the street

some good money was to be made taking Lugo out.

Raymond volunteered.

- And you know that how? - He told me.

And who was offering this good money to be made killing Lugo?

That I don't know.

[Giardello] So what we've got is your word

that this Raymond told you he was going to kill Lugo.

Right. Do I get the reward?

[Mr. Lupkis] Now, read the fine print, Simon.

- The key word is conviction. - Now, wait, wait.

You find Raymond, you'll get your conviction.

Now, look.

This is where you can find Raymond,

at least, the last time he lived anywhere.

And this is my address, and my phone number.

I'll be waiting for a check.

Ever since my sister joined Homicide,

I've been fascinated by the risks you guys take.

And you go out there, all the way out there.

You stare into the abyss.

That's impressive.

But I do have a sneaky little suspicion

that you, Tim, are better at it than Mike.

- Hmm. Yeah, yeah, it's true. I am. - No, you're not.

I've been out there staring into the abyss.

Oh, but Mike,

you are probably a little quicker

to intuit the truth than Tim.

Well, you have a sexy brain.

That's a good point.

A sexy brain? Is-- him?

Let me ask you a question.

What motivates you?

Why do you get up in the morning?

- I'm usually late for work. - [Carrie laughs]

- I get hungry. - [laughs] See?

You guys do something really important, really dangerous.

And yet you can laugh about it.

I mean, you've got to be able to laugh at yourselves.

That's why I could never get married again.

But I thought you said you'd like it

if someone proposed to you

in an impulsive and romantic way.

I would.

And then I'd say no.

Because no matter how nice they are,

no matter how much you like them,

after a while it gets boring.

So I figured just stick to the fun part,

let it go at that.

- Define the fun part. - Sex.

Frank, how are the flowers coming?

- What? - Flowers. Flowers?

- The lilies have landed. - Great.

Hey, Brodie, are you sure you're gonna have enough film?

- Tape? Yeah, I've got plenty. - Whatever.

I can't believe you guys are actually helping Meldrick

with this elaborate, practical joke

of which you are going to be the butt.

Hey, Munch. What if it's not a joke?

- [Munch] It's a joke, trust me. - But what if it isn't?

Yeah, what if Lewis is really counting on us?

He's counting on us, all right? To be saps.

Look, he gave Kellerman a ring to hold.

He paid cash for the Rose Room at the Belvedere Hotel.

And he knows if he's screwing around,

Gee is going to make sure that his days as a murder police are over.

[Russert] Oh, God, I just remembered.

- What am I going to do with Caroline? - [Pembleton] Bring her.

To a wedding reception with no other kids?

You can leave her with me if you want.

We could rent the 101 Dalmatians.

My favorite movie after Raging Bull.

[Russert] You're scaring me, Munch.

Besides, I think she's a little too old for 101 Dalmatians.

How could anybody be too old for 101 Dalmatians? It's universal. It's like Homer.

- A great journey of the heart disguised as an adventure story. - With dogs.

I'm going to go pick up Caroline. Wedding starts in an hour.

I got to check on my gear because if anything goes wrong, Lewis is going to kill me.

Well, I guess I'm going to go pick up Mary.

She's so big, she doesn't fit behind the wheel anymore.

She can't drive, so.

Good idea, Frank.

[sighs]

You're all suckers.

Every one of you.

Wedding, yeah. Right, sure.

[dramatic music playing]

[door creaks]

[kids shouting]

Raymond Desassy. Police! Freeze!

[gunshots popping]

[grunting]

[tense music playing]

What are you doing here?

Get out of here! Go home!

You kids go home! Go on home!

- Gee, I've got bad news. - What?

Raymond Desassy couldn't be our shooter.

- Why not? - He was in jail last night.

Off-duty Vice detective nailed him

trying to rob the 7-Eleven over in Camden.

We checked the record. That wasn't there.

[sighs] It was a computer glitch.

I just got the call on the radio.

- Computer glitch? - Computer glitch.

[Gee sighs]

You know, ten years ago,

I would have grabbed his arm before he got a chance to fire.

Ten years ago, he'd be alive now.

Ten years ago, the street was different.

Hey, Gee, it's not your fault.

He knew who we were.

He was trying to shoot us, for God's sake.

It shouldn't have happened. You know what I'm saying?

It just shouldn't have happened.

[both sighing]

Listen.

What's the name of the guy at the radio station,

the one who fingered Desassy?

Jackson. Simon Jackson.

I want him in The Box. I want him in The Box now.

Okay.

[rock music playing]

[Brodie] Testing. One, two, three. Testing.

All right. Everybody smile.

- What time is it? - It's ten after five.

He's a no-show.

Can we eat yet?

Mommy, I'm bored.

- [Munch] Let me guess. Lewis is not here yet. - He's coming.

- [Munch] And the lovely Barbara Shivers? - [Pembleton] Absent.

She's absent because she doesn't exist.

I'd like to propose a toast

to the invisible Mr. Lewis,

and his lovely ephemeral bride,

the lovely Barbara Shivers.

If you're so sure they're not going to show up,

- what are you doing here? - I came to see the debacle.

The punchline looks on your faces.

Farce, like history, needs a witness.

- Yeah. In a tuxedo? - [Munch] Well--

Munch, admit it. You thought he was coming, too.

I'm into the Cole Porter thing. Okay? Thank you.

[Mary] There's something I don't understand here.

What kind of man concocts such a lie?

I mean, involves so many good-hearted people.

Rents a ballroom. Pays for flowers.

- I paid for the flowers. - Pays for food and wine.

I paid for the food and the wine.

Don't forget the ring. He paid for the ring.

Well, what kind of man does all that

and then just walks away, chuckling to himself?

A very interesting man, don't you think?

He's nothing special.

He's average. Very average.

He's scum.

I dragged my pregnant wife all the way down here for a joke.

Frank, um--

I risked the life of my unborn child for a joke?

Okay, here's the deal.

I'm going to take Mary home right now.

Then I'm going to find Lewis.

And when I find him, I'm going to kill him.

I'm a very clever detective,

and I will kill him in such a way I will not be caught.

He will simply disappear,

and like sphincters before him, will not be missed.

[laughs] Oh, Frank.

[Lewis] Where you going? Where you going?

- [Lewis clears throat] - [Bayliss] Wow.

- Look who decided to come. - [Russert] Hello.

Friends, Baltimoreans, countrymen,

sorry we're a little late.

Ran out of gas on the way over here, all my fault.

I would like for you to meet the righteous Reverend Hartley.

My mom's Eleanor. My grandmom's Midian.

My beautiful bride's best man, Tanya.

And this is Barbara Shivers.

[all cheering]

You got the ring?

You got plenty of film in that thing?

I'm rolling. I'm rolling.

[dramatic music playing]

I'm damn sure you've seen the inside of one of these before.

[police radio chatter]

Do you, Meldrick Lewis,

take this woman to be your bride?

I sure do.

[dramatic music playing]

And do you, Barbara Shivers,

take this man to be your husband?

I do.

[dramatic music playing]

[Hartley] I now pronounce you man and wife.

[all cheering]

Time to jump this broom. [chuckles] You ready?

[all applauding]

[Howard] You know Raymond Desassy how?

He's just around.

- [Howard] The neighborhood? - Right.

And he just mentioned in passing that he shot Kevin Lugo.

- [Simon] Yeah. - For which he was well paid, right?

Yeah. [laughs]

Desassy was in jail last night.

Desassy was in jail?

So, Lieutenant Giardello and I are wondering

how does a guy in jail in downtown Baltimore

shoot someone in Mount Washington?

Maybe I was wrong. [laughs]

Maybe I made a mistake.

Mistake? I don't get it.

I mean, either Raymond did

or did not tell you that he shot Kevin Lugo.

He could have just been bragging.

I mean, he's like that. He's a bragger.

- Oh. Yeah. - [Simon laughs]

Where were you last night, Simon?

I was at the movies with my sisters.

- You can check. - [Howard] Oh, we will.

[Giardello] Do you know what happened to Desassy?

- What? - You don't know?

No. What?

Oh, man. Who did that?

- [Giardello] I did. - Why?

Because he pissed me off the way you're pissing me off now.

- He's dead? - He's dead.

He didn't kill Kevin Lugo.

We figured you did.

- Me? - [Giardello] You.

I told you I was at the movies.

Do you really think you could collect the reward money

for fingering a guy for some murder you committed?

- Are you really that stupid? - I didn't do it.

- Then who did? - I don't know.

No, no, no.

You told us Raymond Desassy killed him.

It was a joke, okay?

Raymond Desassy was my best friend.

It was just supposed to be a damn joke.

- A joke? - [Simon] Yeah, a joke.

You know, to spook him, to razz him.

We did that kind of thing, back and forth.

He was my friend.

Why'd you have to go and shoot him?

A joke!

[door slams]

[upbeat music playing]

[Lewis] Hey, Scheiner! Scheiner, grab a girl!

- You wanna dance? - No!

Good.

What if Barbara Shivers is in on it?

Her and this Reverend Hartley.

What if it's a trick on a grand scale,

like, an epic trick?

Huh?

That's really paranoid, Munch.

Well, thank you.

- Isn't it a lovely wedding? - Oh, it really is.

By the way, I'm Megan Russert, and this is John Munch.

- [Munch] Hi. - Munch?

Oh, you're the one who took too many drugs

and damaged his brain.

I'm so sorry.

[Russert laughs]

- You called the Belvedere? - Yes, I did.

- [Giardello] And? - Lewis is married.

They're having the reception now.

I talked to Munch, he was looped.

- So it wasn't a hoax. - Apparently not.

I'll take the grief as long as that name's on the board.

Oh, in case you hadn't noticed, Gee,

it's under my name, not yours.

That's just a technicality, my name's not up there.

It hardly seems fair, does it?

Listen, I gotta go pick up my sister at the Belvedere.

You wanna come with?

Oh, look, I'm not exactly in the party mode today, Kay.

I mean, I just shot a man today, and...

Well, I'm thinking maybe it'd do you some good, huh?

Come on, get drink, dance a little, maybe.

- Come on. - All right.

You don't have to have a good time.

[Giardello] All right.

[upbeat music playing]

- You okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.

You know, maybe this dancing isn't such a good idea.

What happens if you inadvertently shake

the little guy out?

What if the little guy's a little gal?

You could shake her out.

Oh, honey, relax.

For once in your life, just relax.

[Pembleton] Gee, hey, hey, hey.

[all cheering]

Hey, Gee, how you doing? Glad you could make it.

Glad you could make it, Kay.

I'd like you to meet my wife, Barbara.

Barbara, this is my lieutenant, Al Giardello.

- This is Sergeant Kay Howard. - Congratulations.

Congratulations. Sorry we're late.

[Lewis] Hey, thanks a lot. Come on in.

Hey, thanks for your help today, Gee.

Hey, come on, what is this, a funeral?

Why don't you guys play something funky, huh?

Something with a snap to it.

[funky dance music playing]

- [Carrie laughs] - Hey.

- Hey, I've been good, haven't I? - Yeah, very good.

- Hey, Kay, catch your shooter yet? - No, not yet.

You've got a great sister here, let me tell you.

- Mm-hmm. - She's a lot of fun.

- [Bayliss] What's that? - I'm cutting in.

- [Bayliss] What do you mean? - [Kellerman] Rules of the dance floor.

I tap you on the shoulder, you smile politely and retreat,

I dance with Carrie, that's the way it works.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

[Kellerman] Woo-hoo-hoo!

- Consider yourself lucky, huh? - Why?

She's out of her mind.

- Carrie? - Yeah.

Do you realize that I've been scared of weddings?

What?

No, seriously, this is the first wedding

that I have been to since Mike died.

What?

You know, I don't even go out on dates anymore.

Ever since that Beau thing, I just-- I don't know.

I don't know, I've been hiding.

[Russert sighs]

But you know something?

I think Caroline needs a man in the house.

- She needs a father. - What?

She needs a father.

Hey, in what way exactly

is your sister out of her mind?

Carrie, she sees life as a game, you know?

She who has the most fun, wins.

Jeez.

How come she wouldn't dance with me?

[Brodie] Oh, who wouldn't dance with you?

Her.

Come on, Mary, come on, let's sit down.

Not yet, Frank, I'm having fun.

Yeah, but the fun you're having is making me nervous, huh?

Oh, hey, babies, don't just roll out of women's stomachs.

When they're ready, they come. Until then, they wait.

Come on, dance. [chuckles]

Now, you sit right here.

I will dance with you all evening,

except I don't want to get my main squeeze jealous, all right?

Have some whisky or something.

I'm not talking to you.

I haven't shot a man in over 20 years...

and even then he didn't die.

At least I had an excuse that I was a rookie, you know.

And I ran out into an alley like an idiot.

And it was...

it was dark, and I was alone.

And a guy named...

Wally Ritchovich...

he come at me...

and I hit him in the leg.

I hit him in the shoulder...

and he tumbled.

He didn't die, you know?

[sighs] I miss my wife, Kay.

- What? - My turn.

- No way. - Yeah, yeah.

You said the rules were I tap on your shoulder,

and I get to cut in, so I'm cutting in.

No, no, no, hold on.

The rules are you give each person a fair

and reasonable amount of time to dance.

- You didn't say that. - I'm saying it now.

- Yeah, it's too late. - What's too late?

- Yeah, it's too late. - Stop it!

- Stop it! Stop it! - [Pembleton] Hey, hey, hey!

[all shouting]

Why do you guys have to do that? Why do you have to act so crazy?

I don't want to dance with either of you.

Come on, man, best men don't fight at weddings.

- He was pissing me off. - Why?

He broke the rules.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, Tim. - What?

- It's not his fault. - What? Why? He attacked me.

[Mary] Oh, God! Frank!

- Frank! - What? What? What? What's wrong?

- I think it's coming. - Oh, call an ambulance.

Mary's having the baby! Get a doctor in here!

I'm coming, I'm coming. I am a doctor.

You'll be all right.

So, you feeling better?

[groans] No.

Damn, women, huh?

That Carrie's something, huh? [laughs]

You'd never think Kay would have a sister like that.

Yeah. What you think about Barbara, huh?

Oh, Barbara, she's great, man.

She's really great. I'm very happy for you.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

I'm jealous, man. Now you got a wife.

Yeah, well, you want to know the absolute truth?

The reason why I slammed this wedding through so quick

was I didn't wanted to give myself a chance

to change my mind, you know, get cold feet.

- She isn't pregnant? - No.

No.

[sighs] But I mean, this is some scary stuff.

You know, this is like a life sentence, here.

You're talking about PTA meetings

and changing diapers and mowing lawns, huh?

This is what's in store for me, my friend.

- This is no joke. - I know. I remember.

Yeah, well...

I guess we better get on back inside.

Barbara will be wondering where I'm at.

You got to kiss and make up with Bayliss.

Oh, yeah, right.

Hey.

I am doing the right thing, though, right?

I am? This does make sense, huh?

[siren wailing]

- What? What? What? - Careful. Easy. Easy. Easy.

- What happened? - Mary's having the baby.

- What? Right now? - Yeah.

Join your hands with mine. Join your hands with mine.

- Okay. - Careful.

One, two, three, go! Go!

[all shouting at once]

- You threw a hell of a party. - Yeah.

Everybody come on back inside. We'll dance the night away.

I think that's what they would want.

Gee's buying the drinks.

[siren wailing]

[uplifting music playing]

[theme song playing]