Original subtitles

You know what? I thought you came up from DC to take me to lunch,

and all you've done is complain about your birthday present.

- I'm not complaining. - Sounds like a complaint to me.

Yeah, not even time for a sandwich, hey, Beau.

- How's it going? - How you doing?

I know you from someplace.

Yeah, Beau, this is my cousin, Tim.

No, no, no, no, that's not it.

Hey, you're Tim Russert, Mr. Meet the Press.

- Nice to meet you. - Hey, how you doing, man?

I watch you religiously. Wow, I'm honored.

An honest-to-goodness celebrity, every Sunday morning, my cup of Java and you.

- Wow, I'm so impressed. A real-life celebrity. - Appreciate it.

- Thanks, Beau. - Unbelievable.

That Newt Gingrich, he's really something, huh?

Beau, do you need a set of socket wrenches? Because Tim's got one for you.

- I like the present, Megan. - Al Gore, what's he really like?

Do you know you complained about every present I've ever gotten you?

Megan, maybe you're just not good at presents, okay?

Bob Dole, you think he's got a shot in '96?

I shouldn't be here. This is a mistake.

Oh, oh, so this is your way of telling me

that you have no reason to visit me anymore, is that it?

Okay, fine, no, no, go, go, Tim, go play tennis with Hillary.

Or play golf with Quayle. I mean, who am I?

I'm no big-shot politico, I'm just a cousin.

I have never played tennis with Hillary.

And I don't play golf. I'm from Buffalo, remember?

Oh, yeah, you poor baby.

I don't know how you manage to get by.

Megan, you know that saying,

"When you're angry, you're lovely"?

Well, you're not.

Yeah, bye, Tim.

Your sisters would have liked the socket wrenches.

Well, then--

- He's great on Sunday mornings, though. - Oh, yeah?

That doesn't say much for your love life these days,

Beau, if you're up early Sunday mornings with my cousin.

[theme song playing]

[*]

The next section of the mini

mental exam questionnaire

looks for signs of post-trauma stress disorder.

Munch, how do you memorize that stuff?

Hey, since you and Howard and Felton went down,

the entire squad could be certified by the AMA of Maryland.

I could tell you more about the inner workings

of Howard's superior and inferior vena cava,

I could tell you how Felton's bowels will react

to certain painkillers.

And I could tell you why you get frustrated

when you hear voices in your head.

I don't get frustrated.

So you hear voices in your head.

No!

Damn it!

Damn!

[sighs]

I cannot believe that after all my years

of faithful service to this city,

I can lose my badge

because some nitwit shrink says so.

Just because I got shot in the head.

[Munch] Oh, God.

You don't think I'm ready to go back to work, do you?

That's why you're coaching me out here.

You think the old partner's a few bricks shy of a load, huh?

Stan...

you're a load, trust me.

Yeah, and you're a walk in the park, Munch.

Come on, let's go, let's go, come on.

Well, they're going to want to test your memory.

Yeah, memory, so, I mean, what do you mean?

Like dates and whatnot?

Yeah, like what year did the Civil War end?

Who was president when Neil Armstrong jogged on the moon?

Stuff like that.

What's the matter, Big Man?

That's simple stuff, huh?

I've got nothing on it, Munch, nothing.

I don't have a chance, do I?

Yes, you do. Come on.

- Come on. - Leave me alone.

- Come on. - Come on, leave me alone.

You don't have to show me the women's, Al, I believe you.

The plumbing in this building is over 60 years old.

- Yeah. - My people deserve better than that.

I agree.

Then can you help me out here?

Can you authorize some department funds to get our toilets fixed?

You don't even have to pick up the phone, I'll handle the whole thing.

- You will? - Yeah.

- What's the catch, Granger? - No catch.

I'll get the money, it'll be cheaper than life preservers.

Mr. Bolander, can you tell me what day it is today?

Tuesday, I guess.

Pickle.

Sneaker.

Toilet paper.

Huh?

Detective, I want you to subtract

seven from 100,

and then, counting backwards, subtract seven each time.

I want to thank you for calling me Detective.

We have a way to go.

[clears throat] 93.

87...

86. [chuckles nervously]

Uh... [stammering]

79, um...

How far do you want me to go with this?

72.

65.

Okay, since the shooting,

how often have you had trouble sleeping?

I never said that I had trouble sleeping.

Any flashbacks? Recurring nightmares?

Panic attacks? Heart palpitation?

- Trembling? Heavy sweating? - [Bolander sighs]

What's your mother's maiden name?

Why are we dragging her into this?

It's a routine question.

Do you remember the three things

that I mentioned at the top of the interview?

I can tell you what I do remember, you know?

I remember who won World War II,

and I remember that Oliver North

took the Fifth instead of telling the truth,

and I remember that the light margarine is no good for you.

No, I don't care how much light it says on the box,

it's no good for you, I remember the Alamo, and I remember the Maine.

And I remember pickle,

sneaker, and toilet paper.

[office din]

How are you doing? [chuckles]

Where the hell's my desk, Beau?

Hey, Kay. How you doing? First day back, huh?

- Why didn't you call me, I would have driven you in. - I can drive myself.

Mind answering the question?

- Oh, they moved it over there. - Why?

I don't know, I guess, they figured the fax machine was better here.

Why the hell didn't anybody tell me?

Four years I've been sitting here, this is where

my desk is supposed to be, Beau.

What's the big deal? It's over there now.

[laughs] This dog won't hunt.

I'm moving it back.

Hey, Kay! Welcome home.

Well, that was quick.

Looks like Granger came through.

Yeah, except I never heard of this outfit.

They call themselves Cooder Plumbing.

[Giardello] At least they're here.

[Russert] Oh, come on, Granger's a political animal.

How would it look if the mayor came through here with a bunch of press people,

and he had to go across the street to The Waterfront to relieve himself?

Say, is that our scones they're eating?

- [Russert] Yep. - Hey! Hey, hey!

I catch you guys eating those scones,

I'm gonna put a plunger in your drainpipe.

Don't eat those scones, they belong to us, put them down.

Eating the scones. Go on.

- Nobody messes with my pastries. - I know.

I belong back there looking across at you.

As ugly as that sounds.

What the hell else has gone on I don't know about?

Nothing. Everything's normal, as usual.

All jammed up, especially the Gasperino murder.

Oh, yeah, I heard about that one.

Hot dog vendor, over by the zoo, right?

Yeah, Frank Pembleton's the primary, he's over at the medical examiner's.

He wants you to call some of these people, and check on their alibis.

- That's it? Phone job? - Someone's gotta do it, Kay.

Beau, listen, there's a body that's been dug up over at Carlton and Lemmon.

Yeah, hang on a second.

Whoa, whoa, wait, you going out with him?

How come you get to go out? You're just the same as me.

I've done my time behind a desk, Kay, you get your sea legs back,

- they'll let you go out, too. - Beau, come on, okay?

Tim, it's a dead guy. He's not going anywhere, relax.

Go, have a ball. Get the hell out.

I'll help you when I get back. Don't move yet.

Kay, take it easy.

[sighs]

[Bayliss] Man, this place gives me the willies.

- [Felton] Why? - [Bayliss] Well, you know.

It's these old carts and the horses, you know, arabbers.

[Felton] Yeah, that's right, you brought an arabber in

for the Adena Watson killing, didn't you?

[Bayliss] Yes, I did. Sid?

Ah, hi. Are you Mrs. Krebs?

- That's me. - [Bayliss] What happened here?

Harvey got loose again this morning,

I found him digging away in this yard.

That's when I saw the skeleton, and called the cops.

- [Felton] Who lives here? - A family named Blakey. They're not home at the moment.

What do you know about 'em?

Not much. Two boys, and their father.

Although I haven't seen Oscar for a while.

- That's the father. - How long is a while?

A couple of years.

- Do the sons work? - [Mrs. Krebs] Yeah.

- [Bayliss] Where? - [Mrs. Krebs] I don't know.

[Bayliss] When do you think the sons are gonna be home?

- After work. - Oh.

Can Harvey keep the thigh bone?

No, no, you're gonna have to put that thigh bone back in the hole, Mrs. Krebs.

- Oh. - [Bayliss] Yeah.

[Harvey barks]

[office din]

[Lewis] Hey, Big Man. How's it hanging? Looking good.

Thanks. And thanks for the flowers.

I didn't give you no flowers.

- [Bolander laughs] - Nice hat, too. Nice haircut.

Yeah, I got a little trim at the barber at Maryland Shock Trauma.

[Lewis] Get your money back, Big Man.

[Pembleton] Hey, hey, hey.

Welcome back, Stan, I hear that you were tireless

as usual in trying to get the bad guy.

Well, I know I'd have to answer to you, if I didn't.

Yes! The Big Man is back!

- You did it, Big Man. - Yeah, yeah. I did it.

- Was it hard? - It was frightening.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

I guess my cramming must have

helped you immeasurably, huh?

- Not a bit. - Hmm. Thanks.

- Kay? - Yeah.

- I couldn't find you. - Hardly find myself, huh?

Yeah, well, uh, listen, I got you, um--

I mean, I got you, me, and Felton, uh, one of these.

Michael the Archangel.

Patron saint of policemen, huh?

Yeah, I thought, uh,

it might help to keep us lucky.

[sentimental instrumental playing]

- [Howard] Oh. Oh. - [Bolander] No. Oh.

[both laugh]

[siren wailing]

[excited chatter]

- [reporter] Detective Munch? - Later, okay?

Mr. and Mrs. Warner.

Conrad and Abigail, both in their late sixties.

[Munch] This is some digs, huh?

I could picture myself living here.

How about you, Big Man?

You couldn't have any fun here, Munch.

Hey, you spill a beer on this rug,

that's a year's salary.

Antique Persian rug,

I don't know, that'd be like, two years' salary.

[Deutch] The maid found the bodies this morning when she came to work.

Ming, Ming, Lalique, Imari.

- All the help had gone home. - [Munch] Have the next of kin been notified?

[Deutch] Yeah, Elden, their son.

[Munch] What's his story?

Some big-buck lawyer guy

over in London, on business.

He's in the air now.

And there's Lyle Warner, the grandson,

lives in the coach house, but he's nowhere to be found.

It's pretty ugly, sir.

They were beaten to death.

[eerie instrumental playing]

[camera shutter clicking]

- Oh, jeez. - I guess, that's what the hard-boiled

inksters call a bloody pulp.

Well, at least we got one lead. Killer thinks he's Gene Krupa.

[camera shutter clicking]

All right, guys, we'll go down, and talk to the ME.

Munch, I know you feel personally responsible for me getting my shield back,

but don't start acting like a primary on a case that's mine, all right?

I say when the sheet comes off, I say when the sheet goes back on, okay?

I put on a badge and a gun just like you this morning,

all right?

So just don't get in my way.

Okay, okay, I was only trying to help.

Don't try to protect me, Munch.

I can handle this.

[police radio chatter]

Billytown, huh? What a magical place this is.

Oh, Tim, there are no hillbillies

pitching tents, cooking up any possum stew here,

so don't call it Billytown, this is South Baltimore.

Didn't you call it that before?

That's different, I'm from here.

Okay, well, why don't you ask the questions then, Jethro?

Jethro?

Jethro, huh? Okay.

[knocking]

- [Felton] Mr. Blakey? - Yeah?

Detective Felton, Baltimore City Police Department.

This is Detective Bayliss.

- [Bayliss] Hello. - Hiya, I'm Carl.

Hi, Carl, do you guys mind if we ask you a few questions, come on in?

Is this about anything in particular?

Nothing serious, it's about a body

your neighbor's dog dug up in your backyard.

Come on-- Come on in.

- Sit down if you like. - [Felton] Oh, no, thanks.

- Like a lukewarm one? - Uh, no, not for me, I'm fine.

Okay, fellas, you want to tell us whose body is buried in your backyard?

- I don't know what you're talking about. - You asking about Poppa?

No, they're not asking about Poppa.

Well, where is Poppa, then?

- Work. - Vacation. Vacation.

Carl, come on in.

You know, this is a very interesting design concept.

You know, Carl, I grew up in this neighborhood.

I'm four blocks away on Dugan Street.

- You live here long? - All my life.

Do you remember old Mrs. Crowly?

How the neighborhood used to smell when she made that candy?

You talking about the saltwater taffy?

Yeah, saltwater taffy.

Oh, the one with the--

The one who got her teeth removed,

and then she got them put--

I want you to think very carefully

how you answer this question, Carl.

Was that your father buried in the backyard?

[Felton] Carl. Carl.

I'm giving you a chance to come clean here.

If I was you, I'd take it.

You ever been to prison, Carl?

It's Pa out there, but we didn't kill him.

- Damn it, Carl, you've blown it. - Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

He just up and died.

I'm sorry, Bret.

How long has he been dead?

Three years.

We didn't have money for the burial.

That's all it was.

There's no sign of the Warner grandson, the maid thinks he went

to a lacrosse tournament in Annapolis.

Look what happens to you.

Doesn't matter if you pay your taxes,

you give to the church, cheat on your wife.

Good or bad, we all end up like that.

You cheated on Margie?

[sighs]

- [Scheiner] Bolander. - What you got so far, Doc?

Thought you were gonna end up here with me for a while.

Oh, thanks, I know you mean that in a nice way.

[Scheiner] The first blows appear to have come from behind.

I found massive edemas and hemorrhaging

at the back of their skulls.

- [Bolander] Edemas? - Swollen bruises.

- Bolander, what's the matter with you? - Nothing.

So, look, did you have a guess on the murder weapon?

Killer used a club of some kind.

- Club? What kind of club? - A wooden club.

I found shards of wood and varnish under their fingernails.

So we're looking for a thin wooden club with a coat of lacquer?

That's what I just said.

Did you really pass the status exam?

Yeah, he did, back off.

Long after these two were dead,

the killer kept whacking away at their faces,

until he got ground chuck.

Thanks for the recipe.

Come on, Stan, let's get out of here.

I get a strong sense of hate here, Munch.

The killer had to know the victim.

Well, maybe. So you fooled around on Margie.

No, I was just waxing reflective.

Did she ever find out?

[sighs]

Kay, you finished making those calls I asked you to?

No, Frank, I'm just trying to get my damn desk back where it belongs.

- There's a phone right here. - Mm-hmm.

Well, just as soon as I get my desk back over

where I've enjoyed several years of success,

then I'll make those calls for you, Frank.

Kay, it seems to me as though your streak ended

with Crosetti's old Chilton case.

Chilton's open. Open 'til I close it.

- Let me help you with this. - I don't want any.

No, no, I mean, if it means closing the Gasperino case,

then I'd be willing to sacrifice my sciatic nerve.

Frank, you touch it, you're on your own, huh?

Excuse me. Which one is Bolander?

That's the little round guy with the old scarf over there.

Thank you.

- Detective Bolander? - Yeah.

I'm Elden Warner.

I heard about my parents,

and I just flew in from London.

Um, I'm just trying to grab a bite here.

Please, um, have a seat.

I don't have a lot of time.

Detective, do you have any idea who killed my parents?

No. I'm sorry.

- But you have suspects. - No.

This is, um...

Detective Munch, my partner.

John, this is Elden Warner.

- Mm-hmm. - Have you talked to my son?

- Not yet. - [Warner] Why?

- Oh, he's out of town. - Out of town? Where?

[Bolander] I got it written down here, somewhere.

- [Munch] That was Annapolis, Stan. - Annapolis? That's it.

This is a capital crime, and you're telling me

you haven't located a possible first-person witness?

[Munch] He's your kid, maybe you should know where he is, huh?

- Gonna get some air. - [Munch] Sure.

- Your parents have any enemies? - Huh? None.

How about staff?

No, they've been with the family for years.

- And they're very well-paid. - I'm sure they are.

Look, I have meetings until 9:00 tonight. I would appreciate a call.

You can reach me at the free legal clinic.

You do pro bono work?

Yes, every other Monday.

Did any of your pro bono clients ever meet your parents

or see their house?

- No, not that I know of. - Could you please fax me a list of these clients?

Oh, right, someone I've gone out of my way to help

is gonna kill my parents.

I'll, uh-- I'll fax you the list this afternoon.

[elevator dings]

- Yeah. - Okay.

[Giardello] Colonel, we're having The Poseidon Adventure here up close and personal,

and you're telling me to take it easy!

Take a look. Take a look at this. Take a look at this!

The plumbers have been paged. They'll be right over.

- Those idiots are coming back? - They worked for the city before,

They come recommended.

- By who? Who? - They do good work.

How can you say that? They made it worse!

[Granger] One of them's been sick. A touch of the flu.

- But they're very competent. - Are you blind?

- Al, calm down, I'll handle it. - [Giardello] Like the last time?

- Know something? You're out of your mind. You're losing it. - Careful, Al.

- He's gonna blow! - He better not.

No, not him. It!

[Giardello] Oh, God!

[gurgling]

[water roaring]

[Bayliss humming]

Hey, Bayliss, what are you doing?

It's down. It's closed.

- Oscar Blakey isn't dead. - What do you mean he's not dead?

We dug his kindling up out of the ground, and his dental records match.

Mm-mm. He's not dead until Uncle Sam says so.

And according to Uncle Sam, he's still alive, and well,

collecting Social Security checks.

- What? - Yeah, $19,000 and change over the last four years.

Is that right?

Huh.

Kay, you got some kind of a partner here.

- She knows. - Brawn and brains.

We should go talk to Bret and Carl, then.

Hey, Stan, you all right? You need some Aspirin or something?

Yeah, like, Aspirin's gonna help.

Give me that.

Okay, only four of Elden Warner's pro bono clients were violent offenders.

One is in jail, two moved away,

and the fourth one, this Marty Kaliri,

he did time for armed robbery.

This guy beat a Royal Farms clerk with a pool cue?

Not a very high-tech weapon, but it matches the profile of how the Warners died.

There's no forced entry.

Well, maybe he met them through their bouncing baby boy, Elden.

Okay, let's go visit Mr. Marty Kaliri.

[Munch] Okay.

You think these guys are smart enough to pull off a scam like this?

Let's find out.

- Evening, Carl. - Bret!

They're back, just like you said.

- Bret. - [Felton] Bret, we're gonna have to arrest you.

What are you talking about?

I told you, Poppa died of old age.

Come on, Bret, you know as well as we do, the only reason

you didn't report your father's death

is so you could keep collecting the Social Security checks.

- That's called fraud. - How'd he know that, Bret?

Shut up.

We needed the money, okay?

We needed the damn money.

Yeah. Come on, we have to take you downtown.

[handcuffs rattling]

[Felton] Watch your head.

[soft instrumental playing]

[sighs]

All right, here you go. Watch yourself, watch your head.

See, it's much warmer in there, huh?

There are two invoices from Cooder Plumbing.

- Both last year, and both in June. - Let me see those.

There's another double billing in March, and five others in '94.

And every time, it's for the same damn job.

Those bozos come back, fix their own repairs,

and bill the city twice.

That's right.

Why does Granger keep hiring them?

- Thank you, Naomi. - [Naomi] Sure.

- You're a cockroach, Granger! - What?

Those guys you've got ripping off the city,

doing plumbing and electrical repairs,

- they're your wife's brothers! - They are not.

And the name of their outfit, Cooder!

That's your wife's maiden name.

Come on, and stop lying, and tell me how you're gonna handle this.

- There's nothing to handle. - And you get nothing from them in return?

That's a pretty serious accusation, Lieutenant.

You're breaking the law!

It's not illegal, it's extra-legal.

I don't know what you've been putting in your tea, Bert,

but the last time I looked,

it's completely illegal for a city official

to be padding the city payroll with incompetent relatives.

- Get out of my office. - [laughs]

Don't think I won't remember this when your next review comes up.

[chuckles]

[Lewis sighs heavily]

Is that real?

Oh! No, decaf.

Don't wanna over-amp the old system, you know?

Yeah.

Yeah, you don't wanna rush it, Howard.

- No, I don't wanna rush it. - [Lewis] I'm telling you.

I mean, I was playing ball,

and I'd rip a knee, twist an ankle, something like that,

the coach would be so jacked up to get my butt back in there

that I'd never heal.

Why is it you guys are always using sports to explain life, huh?

I don't know. Maybe it's 'cause we don't sew!

- Detective Howard? - [Howard laughs]

- Yes, sir. - I'm John Howerchuck.

You called me about the murder of Tom Gasperino.

Oh, yeah, sure. Thanks for coming in.

Uh, come with me. I'll see you later, Mel. Right this way.

There you go!

Seat, Mr. Howerchuck.

- So, you are an ice cream vendor? - Yes, Officer.

- I'm a detective. - [John] Yes, Detective.

And how did you know Mr. Gasperino?

Well, we used to get into it a lot

because he was always in my spot outside the zoo.

"Get into it." You mean, a fight?

[John] Well, yeah. But always politely.

Because he was in your spot?

- [John] That's right. The shady spot. - Oh.

People don't want to stand in line for a sour raspberry ice cup

when they're melting in the sun.

Gasperino knew that spot was mine.

You ever leave work, Marty, for a beer, for lunch, uh,

take a drive, anything like that?

No, sir, I pack my lunch.

It's sad what happened. Poor Mr. and Mrs. Warner.

[Munch] How well did you know them, Marty?

We crossed paths only a couple of times.

- In their home? - Yeah.

They hired me to haul away their leaves last fall.

- They were very nice people. - Very rich people, aren't they?

You guys think I had something to do with this.

I didn't come down here to see you clean spark plugs, Marty.

- Did you kill them? - That family helped me, why would I kill them?

Because you have prior arrest for breaking and entering.

Because you used a firearm in a commission of felony.

Because you're an ex-con! Because you don't have such a nice, innocent face!

Stan, Stan, excuse me, I think maybe we should check

Marty's time card with his supervisor

and see if it, you know, matches.

Come on.

What's the matter? What are you jumping down the guy's throat for?

When did the maid say the grandson was gonna be back

from his, what, his tournament or whatever in Annapolis?

Tomorrow.

We have to interview him.

[sighs heavily]

Hey! I got your message. What do you need?

I want you to meet someone. Thank you.

Frank, this is John Howerchuck.

Mr. Howerchuck, this is Detective Pembleton.

- Hello. - [Pembleton] Hello.

Mr. Howerchuck here is an ice cream vendor

over in Druid Hill Park, near the zoo.

Shot and killed Tom Gasperino in a dispute over the shady spot.

Goodbye, Mr. Howerchuck. And thanks for coming in, huh?

Here you go, pal.

What, you just-- you-- you-- you called him off the witness list,

- and he came in? - Yeah.

He just confessed, just like that?

Ah, pretty much. I talked to him a little bit.

You must have got your desk back in the old spot.

No, as a matter of fact, I left it where it is.

And you know what, Frank?

I'm gonna leave it there, too. I kinda like it.

Red to black.

You're welcome.

- You do windows? - [Bolander] No, no.

- I-- I'm just, uh, I'm just straightening up here. - Yeah.

Well, Stapopoulos is gonna need his desk.

I'm working here.

[Russert] Stan, you're not doing anything.

I'm thinking.

Stan...

it's your first day back after being wounded.

Why don't you go home and-- and get some rest?

- Home? - Yeah.

[sighs]

Home.

[rock music plays]

[song lyrics play]

[doorbell rings]

[singing song lyrics]

[Munch] Hey, hey! Big Man!

I'm sorry, John.

- I couldn't sleep. - [Munch] No, no, come on in.

I shouldn't stay, you know, uh--

Hey, at least have a beer.

Okay, uh, maybe-- maybe one.

Well, it's a nice place.

How many bedrooms you got?

[Munch] One.

Yeah. One more than me.

- You wanna sleep here tonight? - No.

- The couch is comfy. - [Bolander] Mm-mm.

- It's no trouble. - [Bolander] Yeah, no.

Thanks anyway.

[Munch] We'll have fun.

[sighs] No, we won't.

[Munch] I'll get the sheets.

[Bolander sighs]

- I hate my car. - [Munch] What?

I hate my car! Whole body's all rusted up.

Damn heap will not run when it's more than 75 degrees outside.

The windshield wiper on the passenger side is the only one that works.

Stan, I don't know if you heard about it or not,

but there's a new thing out, they're called repair shops.

They fix things like that.

Yeah. Some things can't be fixed.

Do you know what I'm gonna have

when they turn me out to pasture in a few years?

I'm gonna have a few lousy thousand bucks in the bank,

and I'm gonna have a pension that won't make ends meet.

I mean, you know, I-- All of a sudden I realize,

27 years I've put in, on the job,

and I am gonna end up with nothing to show for it.

I'm not-- I'm not harping on the fact of how much they've got,

you know, that I don't have.

It's the fact that I don't need a will...

'cause I got nothing to leave to anybody.

Crosetti, at least he had a yo-yo

he left for Lewis.

You want me to miter these corners?

Maybe I should've gone into the bar with you, you know?

- Foam or feather? - [Bolander] Foam.

May-- maybe I shouldn't have let Margie leave.

I was too tough on that mechanic today, wasn't I?

No, no, you were-- you're doing fine.

You're doing really good, Stan, I'm proud of you.

Gotta sleep.

[sighs]

Good night, Big Man.

Good night.

[sighs heavily]

[groans]

[sighs]

[sighs heavily]

What is it, Megan? I'm not in the mood for gossip.

Well, I think this ought to cheer you up.

Look at this.

Seems that last year, Colonel Granger gave his in-laws

a lucrative plumbing contract,

our friends over at Cooder Plumbing.

- Is that right? - [Russert] Yeah, and they really milked it, too.

Claiming that all the toilets needed new fittings,

they overcharged for parts, they even charged for gasoline going to and from their office.

Al, you don't seem very surprised by all this.

I'm not very surprised. I'm stunned.

- AL, did you leak this story? - I don't know what you're talking about.

[phone buzzes]

Giardello.

Uh, yes, sir.

Yes, I will.

Captain Barnfather wants to see me in his office.

The Mayor went a little crazy.

He's decided Granger should spend more time in his garden.

Wow!

We'll still have a big send-off dinner for him,

but as of now, Bert's been retired.

Retired?

I'm your new colonel.

Oh, well, that's a tough break for him,

but congratulations to you, really!

- You know? - Thank you, Al.

Wow.

Of course, you realize this leaves my position open.

[Giardello] Yeah, I understand that.

- I thought you should hear it from me. - [Giardello] Mm-hmm.

[Barnfather] We are going to offer the captain's job to Megan Russert.

[tense music plays]

- You have a problem? - No, I don't have a problem.

You know, I just, uh, logged in 30 years in the department

and she's racked up, what, an impressive ten?

Look, this was the Mayor's call.

He wants the department hierarchy to be demographically correct.

Demographically correct?

Look, man, 75% of the voting public out there is Black!

And 61% of the registered voters in this city are women, Al.

So Russert and me complement each other.

Oh.

All right.

Was, uh, merit ever a consideration?

Lieutenant Russert's very qualified to be captain.

All right. Yeah. Okay.

Hey! Are you Lyle Warner?

- Yeah. - [Munch] Come here a second.

I'm Detective Munch, this is Detective Bolander.

We're investigating the death of your grandparents.

Oh.

[Munch] Elden's your dad?

Yeah.

You live in the coach house over here?

Yeah.

You have a very economical way of speaking,

- anybody ever tell you that? - No.

Lyle, where were you the night

that your grandparents died?

I was having dinner with some friends.

I thought you had a lacrosse tournament in Annapolis.

Yeah, I did. I meant earlier.

Well, how could you be at dinner at the same time?

- I wasn't! - [Bolander] You just said you were.

Well...

I didn't-- I didn't know what night you meant.

We're talking about the night that your grandparents were killed.

Yeah. I was in my room.

But I didn't hear anything.

The way your grandparents were killed,

there would have been some noise.

Some screaming, maybe, screaming.

That's 'cause, uh, I was listening to Danzig,

and I had it cranked up pretty loud.

You know, pardon me for saying this,

but you're not acting like a kid

whose grandparents were just murdered.

How am I supposed to act?

Lyle, let's go have a little talk.

[drum music plays]

Lyle, I'm gonna be as honest with you as I can. You're a liar!

You weren't at any lacrosse tournament!

You weren't at Annapolis!

You were sitting on your skinny little ass, waiting for it to get dark,

then you were gonna go and beat your grandparents to death.

That way you could triple your earnings in the third quarter,

and go on a sabbatical!

- Tell me I'm wrong! - The house goes to my father.

And I have a trust, so you see, money isn't my problem.

- Oh, yeah? What is your problem? - Why are you yelling at me?

Sit down!

I'm yelling at you because I happen to think

you murdered two innocent old people!

- Call me crazy! - I didn't kill my grandparents!

Rich little bottom-feeders like you aren't satisfied with what you've got,

as long as you know somebody else has more than you.

It's the algebra of greed, isn't it, kid?

[Bolander] Munch.

Out.

- What? - Take a walk.

[Bolander] We need to talk. Lyle and I. Alone.

Sorry about my partner. He's a little tense.

Let's take these off.

This isn't about greed, is it, kid?

Do you know where my father is?

Hey, Al.

I, uh,

I guess you know I just had my meeting with Barnfather.

- Are you okay with this? - [Giardello] No, I'm not!

Al, don't!

No offense intended, but this is ridiculous, and you know it!

They say we work by the merit system.

Race and anatomy mean more than merit around here!

Yeah, well I know that! It's not like I asked for the damn job.

- You didn't turn it down, either. - [Russert] What?

Come-- Hey! How stupid would that have been?

Very.

You know, I-- I'd like to think that I earned this promotion because of my record,

but I know damn well it's because I'm a woman.

This department's getting so politically correct it's scaring me.

Look, I'm gonna say this just once.

I'm not angry with you.

I'm just-- I'm just angry!

- I got work to do. See you. - Yeah.

[Bolander] Does your father ever take you on these long trips of his?

- No. - [Bolander] Huh.

That's a shame.

I don't know why not, I mean, it's--

It looked like it would be fun, to me.

[scoffs]

- He just doesn't. - [Bolander] You ever ask him?

- Yeah. - He say no?

Look, I don't remember.

Well, how does it make you feel when he just takes off, and leaves you behind?

My father was a stevedore.

You know what that is?

He worked commercial piers, up and down the beach.

I mean, one day the guys would be loading sugar,

and then some other day, they'd be unloading steel pipe.

He took me with him sometimes.

[laughs]

Those ships...

they looked as big as the moon.

They were--

It was-- it was fun,

to be with my father, you know?

Where's your mother, Lyle?

[scoffs]

She's dead.

She died a long time ago?

She died after I left for school.

I was 14.

My grandmother actually called me, and told me.

- Your grandmother Warner? - [Lyle] Yeah.

[Bolander] Did your father call you?

No.

You must be very close to your grandparents.

Oh, yeah!

[Felton] Kay! Kay!

- Hey! - Hey, how you doing?

I heard you closed the Gasperino case without even leaving the office.

Pembleton was bedazzled. Congratulations.

Thanks.

- Oh! - Hey, uh, Kay.

[Howard] Uh-huh?

Uh, I'm sorry about the other morning.

I was distracted with Bayliss, and--

Welcome back.

- Thanks. - I got-- I got something I wanna show you.

I moved your desk back.

You what?

- Move it back again. - What do you mean? "Move it back again."

I mean, I got a new winning streak going, Beau,

I like my desk in the new spot.

Move it back again. Move it back, huh? Move it back.

Your dad's office called. He said he's gonna be late.

He's tied up at a fundraiser over at the Harbor Court.

He, uh, he knows why you have me here?

- Yeah. - [Lyle scoffs]

You dad sounds like a nice man.

His heart's in the right place.

He's out there, you know, doing things for others who-- who have less than he does.

- Um, he's setting a good example. - Oh, is he?

- [Bolander] You should be proud. - Oh, right!

Munch, why don't you take another little walk, okay?

Let's see if we can get Mr. Warner out of his meeting.

Lyle, how long was your father gone

on his last trip?

- Two weeks. - [Bolander] Did he call you?

[sighs]

- No, he didn't. - Did he call your grandparents?

But he didn't talk to you?

- No. - [Bolander] How does that make you feel?

Your grandparents have to tell you that your father calls?

- He doesn't wanna talk to you. - It made me feel angry!

It pissed me off!

I guess, I mean, he is my father.

You're gonna feel better when you get this off your chest, Lyle.

I'm here to hear you out. I'm not gonna go anywhere.

My father told me he was gonna call at eight o'clock.

So I drive like a maniac to get home, so I wouldn't miss his call.

He promised you. I mean, he said he's going to call?

- Yeah. - And what happened?

I walked in the house around 7:30.

My grandparents told me that I already missed the call.

- And you are angry? - Oh, yeah!

What did you do?

I started screaming.

- I started throwing stuff. - What did you hit them with?

With my old lacrosse stick.

I picked it up and I started--

I started swinging it at them, and then--

I kept on hitting them, and it was like I couldn't stop.

Well, I just hit them, and I couldn't...

Your son's gonna need a lawyer, Mr. Warner.

[tense music plays]

- Kay. - [Howard] Hey, Stan.

- It's good to be back, huh? - Yeah, great.

- [sighs heavily] - [chuckles]

So, uh, your day going good?

Perfect.

- You? - Oh, yeah!

Couldn't-- couldn't be better.

Never missed a step. [laughs]

[laughs] Me, neither.

[theme music plays]