Original subtitles

[whimsical music playing]

Gee, that's sad.

More and more, Kay, everything about this place is sad.

Romper Room is going off the air.

Romper Room?

Yeah, axed it after 41 years.

- This is a show you watch? - When I was a preschooler, sure.

Miss Nancy sang songs, played games.

Come on, John, "Do Be A Milk Drinker, Don't Be A Crack Addict."

- You gotta remember. - Well, yeah, I moved on to Bowling for Dollars by then.

Which was created by the same guy that did Romper Room.

Her husband, Miss Nancy's husband.

If she had a husband, how come she wasn't Mrs. Nancy?

Both shows were broadcast from right here in Baltimore.

This city has made quite a contribution

to American pop culture.

Yeah, right, Romper Room,

Bromo Seltzer, "Star-Spangled Banner."

Hey, you guys done with Clayton yet?

Hey, Stan, Beau, you remember Romper Room, right?

The magic mirror?

"Romper, stomper, bomper, boo,

I see Jimmy and Julie."

Except she never saw me.

I spent years in front of that friggin' tube.

She never once saw Beau in the magic mirror. That bitch.

I remember Birthday Land with King Twinklehead.

- Who? - King Twinklehead.

Me and my cousin Ernie used to watch it every week.

Good old Ernie.

We'd watch Birthday Land with King Twinklehead

and Judy Splinters.

- She was a puppet. - [Howard] Really?

Yeah, Judy Splinters won the very first Emmy Award

ever in 1949.

A puppet won the first Emmy Award?

Well, yeah.

She was very good.

Who was she up against, the Marquis Chimps?

[all chuckling]

I'm gonna get some Milk Duds.

- Make way for King Twinklehead. - [all laugh]

[Munch] You know, remind me to share with you three again.

It really makes me feel so good inside.

- Thank you. - Oh, Twinkie, Twinkie.

[theme song playing]

[music fades]

Excuse me.

Can I talk to you?

[office din]

[whistles shrilly]

Peace, man. My name's Lennox. Lennox Young.

I'm here to report a shooting.

Do that again, and it'll be your own.

- Who got you shot? - My brother, Prescott.

Over on North Carey Street in Saratoga.

At the bus stop.

In the stomach about an hour ago.

You saw your brother get shot?

No, no, I didn't see it. I just heard the gunshot.

See, I-- I was around the corner.

And you heard a bang, you came around the corner

and you saw that somebody shot your brother?

I came around the corner and saw the gun and fainted.

And when I came to, I was all alone.

There was nothing left but a river of blood.

So you fainted, when you came to, looked around,

and there was nobody there, not even your brother?

Right, nothing, nobody. Nothing but a river of blood.

Lennox, why the hell are you in here?

I want to be on the record.

Just so, I mean, in case, in the next 50 years,

there's a shooting at that corner.

You want us to know that you saw nothing.

My brother got shot.

I mean-- [scoffs]

But all you heard was a bang.

I got ears like a dog.

And you've been using us like fire hydrants.

You know, you just wasted five minutes of my life.

Five minutes that I'll be begging for as I lay dying.

- Get out. Now. - Look, I--

Get out. Now.

[Lennox scoffs]

Kid's full of scemo.

Maybe. Better check it out.

- Yeah, sure, I'll check it out. - Uh-huh.

[Lewis whistling]

- Uh, you need some help? - Oh, or another arm.

Oh, thanks.

I was looking for Detective Crosetti. Is he in?

No, he's not. He's, um-- Detective Crosetti's dead.

Oh, I-- It must have happened suddenly.

They didn't tell me.

- Who? Who? - The state's attorney's office.

I'm working for the state's attorney.

- Emma Zoole. - Oh.

- Oh, okay. - Detective, uh, Meldrick.

Lewis, Meldrick.

Well, Detective Crosetti was the primary

on Irene O'Connor's murder.

Irene O'Connor-- oh, oh, oh, the--

the nurse stabbing in the parking lot

at, uh, Johns Hopkins.

Yeah, that's familiar. Wait a second.

Crosetti put that case down, like, six months ago.

Oh, it's going to trial, which is why I had to build a model this week.

Hopefully it'll help the jury get a visual sense of what happened,

sort of like crime scene show-and-tell.

[Lewis chuckles]

I was hoping to go over some measurements with him.

Well, I know the case.

- Do you? - Oh, yeah, absolutely.

I mean, Steve and I were partners.

Then I guess, Detective Lewis, fate has brought us together.

[*]

This is Felicity Weaver.

- Good morning, Detective. - [Pembleton] Hello.

Miss Weaver's here to help you.

Oh, great. Help is something that I need.

Why don't we step into the office?

Miss Weaver's an attorney for the City.

She's been assigned to you to, uh--

Well, feel free to jump in here at any time, Miss Weaver.

Of course, Detective Pembleton,

as you know, you're being sued by Annabella Wilgis

for violating her civil rights during questioning.

She's a serial killer. She murdered eight women.

I thought all this nonsense was gonna go away

once we booked her into a padded room in Patuxent.

- She still has the right to sue. - Both of us.

Since I was the shift commander on duty, you,

me, and the City are on the line for a million dollars.

Wilgis asserts that during a long, grueling interrogation,

you manipulated one of her alter personalities

into holding a lit match to her arm.

Is there a law against alter manipulation?

You and Lieutenant Russert will go before a judge

for a preliminary hearing and hopefully avoid a trial.

Nah, you don't really believe this will go to trial, do you?

[Weaver] Every year, Baltimore spends tens of thousands

on nuisance cases like this.

You should know that since this is a civil suit,

we must disprove guilt

rather than prove innocence.

- Is that right? - Hmm.

Just one of those little quirks in the legal system.

[Lewis] Irene O'Connor got off her shift,

came down the elevator.

The killer stood here,

very quiet.

She came out of the elevator, she got spooked.

Then she turned around.

They struggle.

Slashes her throat, and her body falls

right here where you're standing.

You can almost feel the energy.

[urgent music playing]

Feel it?

Yeah, yeah, I do.

Here, um, hold the end.

I need to get the exact distance.

- Just back up a little. - Sure. Uh-huh.

I'll tell you when.

Right there.

Okay. Thanks.

So, you know what that scumwad did after he killed her?

He, um, popped open a pint of gin...

fired up a Camel and sat right there

and had a drink and a couple of smokes.

We found an empty bottle and cigarette butts right there.

- Well, I'm glad you caught him. - Actually, uh,

it was, uh, Corsetti who put the case down.

He's a hell of a-- well, he was a hell of a detective.

I've got all I need. Let's go back.

- Bayliss! - What?

Where's Meldrick?

Do not mention that man's name to me.

He dumped a lot of last-minute paper chasing on me, Munch.

I'm not supposed to be doing all of this work.

I'm supposed to be a silent partner in this bar, right?

Yeah, sure. Did you get the certification for Workman's Comp. Insurance?

- Yes. - Great.

Did you get the release from the comptroller's office?

- Yes. - What is a comptroller anyway?

I don't know. I don't care.

Did you get the federal occupational tax stamp?

- Yes. - Great.

You know what this means? That does it.

This means that we officially own the waterfront bar now.

- Not yet. - What's that?

This is the certification of compliance

with the provisions of Article 2B,

Section 130A of the state code.

- We need a certificate to show we're compliant? - Mm-hmm.

Get me a red-headed 19-year-old. I'll show you compliance.

Well, one of us has to go

to the Alcohol Awareness training program.

- Have fun. - No, "It's a seminar to teach bar license holders

how to sell alcohol responsibly,

i.e., how to identify someone who is drunk."

Well, that's easy. Whoever's puking on the floor is usually drunk, right?

Listen, Munch,

you've got to take this much more seriously.

You see, if we do not clear the certificate,

our bar, our investment, is lost, okay?

I made an appointment for you at 1:00 p.m.

- Me? - Yep.

I had to pull a lot of political strings to get you in on this,

so don't give me any grief over it.

- Okay, you go. Why not? - No.

Because I have got some new leads on the Stromberg case.

That's why.

Besides, Alcohol Awareness

is sort of a hobby with you, isn't it?

I can't go. You know why?

What if they make me take a test?

I can't do tests. I always clutch.

What if I fail and all our dreams crash and burn?

Well, that's very simple, then.

Meldrick and I will harm you.

Look at this doll. It's got bright, happy eyes.

It's got the eternal smile of innocence.

Did you sell your newspaper, Sam?

I mean, are you giving up crusading journalism

for an exciting new career in the toy sales?

No, the children in this city should be holding these

in their hands instead of nine millimeters and Magnums.

I'm busy, you know? I'm very, very busy.

It's happening all over the country.

I mean, it can work right here in Baltimore.

Toys for guns.

Look, the kids give us their guns

or they get their parents to give us their guns,

and we give the girls a free doll or whatever,

and the-- and the boys get free basketball shoes or whatever.

All right, it's a great idea, Sam.

- What do you want me to do? - I need help. Volunteers.

- Well... - What about you?

I never volunteer.

What the hell is the matter with you guys?

Our kids are killing each other in the streets every single day.

So what, you only give a damn if it's their bodies you're picking up?

Don't you see that you could stop their bodies

from being there in the first place?

[Giardello] Sam!

The next time you walk in here and talk to one of my detectives like that,

I'm personally gonna kick your butt out onto Thames Street.

It's cause and effect, Al.

Every time a gun goes off, you guys get a homicide.

Am I the only one that sees the connection?

We're up to 227 murders this year.

My guys are working 12-hour shifts nearly seven days a week.

They make their own court appearances.

They file their reports in triplicate.

They have wives and kids.

That means soccer games and piano lessons.

And don't you remember when you had a daughter growing up?

They're doing everything they can do.

- What do you expect from them? - More.

Nobody has the time, Al.

But if we don't cure what's killing this city,

this city's gonna kill all of us.

[Howard] You guys, you think of me

as some kind of livery service or something.

Hey, I really appreciate the lift.

Hey, your car breaks down? I'm sympathetic.

Beau's Jalopy's been in and out of shop for months.

- Hey. - What? Why are we stopping here?

- I want to check something out. - Oh, right.

Bear with me.

[Munch sighs]

- Here's the bus stop. - What bus stop?

Where that kid Lennox said his brother got shot.

Kay, I gotta be in an Alcohol Awareness seminar

in 15 minutes.

I just want to see the river of blood he told us about.

River of Blood. Wasn't that a movie with Vincent Price?

There hasn't been a rain since the alleged gun fest, has there?

Maybe the kid came to lie to us on a bet.

Uh-uh, he was telling us some form of the truth.

See that clinic over there?

Come on, come on, come on.

- You the doctor? - I'm the doctor. You sick?

That's a topic open for discussion.

I'm a cop. Believe it or not, so is he.

Has there been any shootings around here recently?

You'll have to be more specific than that.

This morning, a shooting out there by the bus stop?

- Right out there? - Yeah.

- This morning? No. - Yeah.

People with bullets in them come into places like this instead of a hospital

because they don't want cops like me to know they've been shot, hmm?

Has there been anybody around?

Uh, Prescott Young lives off of North Carlton Avenue.

[Howard] That's the one.

This morning, he comes running in with his brother Lennox.

There's a hole in Prescott's gut

big enough for a Camden Yard hot dog.

There was nothing I could do for the kid. I had to call an ambulance.

- Did he tell you what happened? - Yeah, sure.

Lennox shot Prescott with Prescott's own gun.

Remind me never to ask you for a ride ever again.

- What time did he come in? - Well, about ten o'clock.

- Hey, Emma. - Hey, Detective.

You got all the information you need for the O'Connor case?

Yes, I do. Thanks. I'm almost done.

Can I get you anything else?

You want some more of that yoga tea?

- Yogi. - Yogi. [laughs]

No, I'm fine, thanks.

Uh, we got some stale bagels in there.

You can have them if you're hungry.

Or we could go out and get a bite.

- What do you think? - I'm really not hungry.

Oh, well, it was just a thought.

- Uh, Emma. - Yeah?

Do you believe in love at first sight?

Of course.

I mean, when there's a spark, there's a spark.

It's just a look.

A flare in the eye.

Yeah, well, here's the thing.

Ever since we met...

I've had flares in my eyes.

[sighs] Oh.

- I'm crazy about you. - Meldrick.

You want to go out with me?

No.

Oh.

I'm-- I'm sorry. I just-- I just don't feel the spark.

Yeah, well, there are sparks, and then there are sparks. I--

I'm just-- It wouldn't be fair to either one of us.

Fairness is not all that important to me.

Well, it is to me, Meldrick.

I'm sorry.

Yeah. It's all right.

Okay, uh, you know, I'll be...

Restaurant Association of America?

Listen, I missed my Alcohol Awareness training seminar,

and I want to know if I could reschedule.

My excuse? Um...

I was downstairs watching TV

and didn't know the boys was home.

I heard a firecracker explode,

and then I called up to the girls to stop.

You thought the girls were playing with firecrackers?

They get into things.

I try, but I can't stop them.

Then Lennox comes downstairs

and says that Prescott got shot over by the bus stop.

Do either of your sons have a gun?

Prescott does, but I don't know where he keeps it.

Do you girls know where your brother keeps his gun?

Sometimes he sleeps with it under his pillow.

[Howard] Okay.

Ma'am, I'm going to be frank with you.

We're pretty sure that firecracker you heard was a gunshot.

The Prescott got shot in his room at home.

Lennox is afraid he's going to jail for it.

We're not talking about charging anyone.

We work homicide. This looks like an accidental shooting.

All we're concerned about is getting that gun out of your house.

Go on in my house

and get that thing out of there.

- Please. - Okay, we will.

[somber music playing]

[Bayliss] Meldrick, what's up?

What's the matter, buddy?

I've been blindsided.

You know how when you--

you think you're a grown man, and then, bam!

Right between the eyes, love at first sight.

- Who is she, Meldrick? - Emma Zoole.

[both] Emma Zoole?

- You fell in love with a woman named Emma Zoole? - What's wrong with that?

Oh, it's just not a name from which legends are spawned.

Romeo and Juliet, yes. Tracy and Hepburn, of course.

But Meldrick Lewis and Emma Zoole.

It just doesn't scan.

Shows how little you know about love.

I mean, this woman is, uh...

perfection.

- [Felton] Oh. - She's so...

She's a goddess.

- Wow, where is this goddess? - In the copy room.

- Is traffic moving in both directions or just one way? - [Lewis] One way.

She's made it pretty clear she ain't got nothing for me.

[Felton] Perhaps you just need a different approach.

Beau, she doesn't want anything to do with me.

- Did you not hear what I said? - Yeah, twice.

This room's got a wicked echo in it.

- Emma Zoole. - [both laugh]

- Emma Zoole. - Emma Zoole.

Lieutenant Russert,

do you recall the circumstances

leading up to the questioning

of Annabella Wilgis on the fourth of November last?

It was a Good Samaritan interview.

She came in to tell us what she had seen

regarding the Lundy murder.

Were you aware that she was a victim

of multiple personality disorder?

During the course of Detective Pembleton's interview,

I became aware that she claimed to have MPD.

Lieutenant, did Detective Pembleton

light a match during the interrogation?

- Yes, he's a smoker. - [Russom chuckles]

Did Detective Pembleton light a match

and hold it to his wrist?

[Russert] Yes.

Didn't you find that odd?

Given the circumstances, no.

[Russom] Given the circumstances.

Do you recall him speaking to the seven-year-old alter, JMJ?

- Yes. - And as JMJ,

did she or did she not mimic

everything that Detective Pembleton did or said?

He slammed his fist on the table.

She slammed her fist on the table.

He said, "Write their names." She said, "Write their names."

He said, "You murdered them." She said, "You murdered them."

And then, as you've testified,

Detective Pembleton lit a match and burnt his wrist.

What did Ms. Wilgis do?

She lit a match and burnt her wrist.

Let me ask you, Lieutenant.

How far would you have let Detective Pembleton go?

What if he'd thrown her on the ground?

- What if he'd hit her, huh? - I would not have allowed that.

[Russom] Oh, I see, I see, okay.

Burning is okay.

Hitting is not.

So much for civil liberties at the Baltimore Homicide Unit.

[office din]

Come on.

[ethereal music playing]

[thudding]

Hi, I'm Emma-- Emma Zoole.

Baylis and Zoole.

- Huh? - Never mind.

Detective Bayliss. Tim Bayliss. Tim.

So you're, uh,

helping Meldrick on the O'Connor case?

Yes, I'm-- I'm reconstructing the crime scene in miniature.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, he's a-- he's a terrific detective.

- Meldrick's just the best. - He's a very helpful man.

Yeah, he's a great detective. Yeah, a great guy.

He's got a great sense of humor. Really makes me laugh.

Dry, great, dry sense of humor.

- It's hot in here, isn't it? - It's very hot in here.

[Bayliss sighs] All right.

I'd like to take a walk out in the air.

A walk. Yeah.

[Lennox] Prescott came in after getting shot.

He ran up here.

Sorry I said I was at the bus stop.

I lied about that.

Hey, Lennox, let's take this one step at a time.

Your brother comes running up these stairs, right?

Yes.

There's no blood on the stairs. What'd you do with the blood?

Come on, he comes in here bleeding.

There's gotta be blood on the stairs and the hall.

- We cleaned it up. - [Munch] You cleaned it up?

Yeah.

- [Lennox scoffs] - [Howard] Where were those?

On the bed. We flipped the mattress.

What jacket was your brother wearing when he came in?

Um, the gray one, right there.

No blood, no holes? Quit lying to us, Lennox.

You were playing with Prescott's gun.

- He got shot. You got scared. - What gun?

I don't know nothing about no gun.

[Munch] Just give us the gun, Lennox.

- There is no gun! - We're not going to charge you.

We just want to get the gun out of the house, okay?

There is no gun! I don't have no gun!

Fine, when your brother dies,

we'll be back to charge you with murder.

I saw your, uh--

your model of the parking garage.

- Uh-uh. - It's very, very intricate.

- Very, very beautiful. - Thanks.

I used to be a sculptor, but I couldn't pay the bills.

My-- my art's a little over the edge.

Well, I'll tell you something. I'm in awe.

Because I can't even draw stick figures.

I would love to bronze your head.

I beg your pardon?

I mean, cast your head in bronze.

I've wanted to sculpt your face ever since I saw it last year.

- You saw me last year? Where? - The Adena Watson case.

I read every word that was published about it.

One of the articles had your picture.

I remember your eyes.

Well, we, uh...

We haven't closed that case yet.

Working with death every day, you must find death fascinating.

Almost seductive.

No, not-- not particularly, no.

Isn't that why you became a homicide detective?

[Bayliss chuckles softly]

There's some place I'd like to take you.

Um-- Are you free tonight?

Tonight?

Yeah, I'm free just about every night.

Okay.

[footsteps echoing]

Well, I have good news and bad news.

[Pembleton] Bad first.

- The judge is recommending trial. - What?

He thinks there's enough cause and merit to Wilgis's claims

to put the case in front of a jury.

So we're being sued as if we were crack dentists?

A million dollars.

- Who pays if we lose? - [Weaver] The City.

We're settling.

[Pembleton] We're settling? Out of court?

That's the good news.

The City of Baltimore has decided to pay off

an incarcerated homicidal maniac with the taxpayer's money?

- Yep. - That means that we're implicitly admitting guilt.

We're saying that I abused my power.

The insurance will take care of it.

Oh, the City's insure-- What about me?

What about my dignity? What about right and wrong?

What are the premiums on that?

We could lose big if Wilgis got on the stand

with her seven-year-old alter, and got a jury weepy.

- How much is she getting? - [Weaver] 200.

$200,000?

[scoffs] Well, don't forget.

She was asking for a million.

So we got a discount?

[sighs]

- You blinked, Lieutenant. - [Russert] Oh, Frank.

Hey, I did myself no favors in there, either.

But it was clean. I told the truth.

The truth, what do you know about the truth?

When I step into the box, the truth is my only objective.

My job is to reach down into the darkness

and pull out the truth for all to see.

You honestly believe that I crossed the line

with Annabella Wilgus?

In all honesty?

Yes, I do.

And in all honesty, I think you know it.

Well, thank you very much for the truth, Lieutenant.

- Frank, I'm just-- - Excuse me.

I'm going back to do my job.

[typewriter clacking]

You look like the neighborhood bully

met you in the schoolyard, and took your lunch money.

I heard the City's settling with Wilgis.

It's a compliment, really.

The City actually believes you're worth 100 grand, Frank.

Gives me goosebumps.

- Frank. - The City settles.

- It's not settled. - Give it up.

It's a beautiful night. Go home.

Kiss your wife. Kick your dog. Whatever you want.

The night's young, and it's yours.

Russert thinks I crossed the line with Wilgis.

I know.

When you burned yourself, she wanted to stop it.

I said, "Don't."

Do you think I crossed the line?

It's really not important what I think.

I thought I resolved all of this for myself

when I first put the uniform on.

You do what you have to do to get to the truth, hmm?

I've always been able to slide through the loopholes in the law,

maneuver around the technicalities.

So, I didn't feel guilty.

Here I'd sit,

like God, the Old Testament God,

smiting the wicked...

wreaking righteous vengeance at whim,

manipulating people, tricking them to confess.

Annabella Wilgis...

manipulated me.

She led me like a lamb to slaughter.

Over the line.

[tense music playing]

[sighs heavily]

Detective Lewis.

- What you got there? - Dinner.

Oh, is that what that is, dinner, huh?

Let me see what specials you had to choose from.

There's the vegetarian sampler,

the spinach salad with lentils.

Mmm. Quiche.

And you chose the gorgeous

stir-fried vegetables with...

Oh, so that's what couscous is, huh?

Where is it that says a man can't try something new now and again?

- Who's the dolly? - [Felton chuckles]

- Who's the dolly? - What?

I've never seen a man eat cautious

unless a woman was involved.

Who is she?

Lewis is in love with Emma Zoole.

Let me clue you in on something, pal.

Couscous is not gonna make a difference.

I've gone the health food route.

Stir-fry this, low-fat that.

What this is really about is control.

If you allow her to control what it is you eat, it's curtains.

How much more primal, how much more basic can you get

than what a man puts into his stomach?

Munch and crunch all the veggies you want.

But in the end, new girl or not, you're out.

Because you did not take a stand.

That's what this is about.

Not health, not love, not living fat-free.

This is about women trying to dominate men.

It's just couscous, man.

- Emma, where are we going? - Across the street.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. This is where we're going, right here?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, I read about this in the city paper.

This is a bunch of, uh,

paintings by criminals, all right?

Pedophiles, mass murderers, rapists.

They've got a couple in here by Annabella Wilgis.

You aren't curious?

No, not in the least, okay?

This is blatant exploitation.

The quality of the art here is less important

than the infamy of the artist, okay?

Let's go get some mussels or burgers, okay?

This is a chance to get a peek inside a killer's head.

Uh, I'm not interested.

What if you could see inside the mind of the man

that stabbed and brutalized Adena Watson?

[spectators murmur quietly]

Emma, don't you find any of this just the least bit twisted?

Tim, the Japanese have picnics

on the graves of their ancestors.

- Huh. - The ancient Egyptians were buried with fruit

and a change of clothes.

What does our culture do?

We send our old people to Florida

so that we don't have to watch them die.

We deny that death exists.

We-- We hide from it.

I mean, we-- instead, we should embrace it.

We should-- we should laugh at it.

- [Bayliss chuckles] - I mean,

what do homicide detectives do at a crime scene?

You crack jokes.

Well, yeah, but...

I-- I gotta get a drink.

My place isn't far, and I've got some great chilled vodka.

Really? Stoli or Absolut?

- Ketel One. - Really?

Emma, you are a goddess.

Nice butt.

I'm sorry I made you miss your Alcohol Awareness seminar.

No, no, no. It's typical of my life.

Just another average day in Munchkinland.

I missed the seminar. I put owning the bar at risk.

We didn't get the gun from Lennox.

I can't even tell you why I care if he keeps the gun or not.

It's the job, John.

We gave it our best shot.

I keep seeing those little girls at the hospital.

Lennox's little sisters.

Did you see their faces?

Did you see what I saw in their eyes?

Nothing. Emptiness.

Their eyes are going dead, and they're just little kids.

Their eyes are dead because they could be dead.

Tonight, tomorrow.

And they know it.

- What are you doing? - We're going back.

It's, uh-- What is this?

- Park City Station. Boston. - Mm.

Homeless man was hacked to death there.

Really? Wow. Hmm. Death.

Ah. More-- more crime scene models.

Death.

- Hi. - Hi.

Thank you.

[both moaning]

- [Bayliss grunts] - [Emma exclaims]

[both moaning]

- What's that? - That's my bed.

Well, that's funny because that looks like a coffin.

- It's a coffin. - Well--

Wait, you sleep in a coffin?

It's very sensual.

Satin against skin.

Oh, Emma.

No, no, I, uh-- I, uh--

I can't-- I can't do this.

I can't do this because I'm just a--

a regular bed kind of guy.

But thanks for the...

offer, though.

Good night.

[Bayliss grunting]

[both moaning]

Oh, God.

- I'm going to ask you a question, okay? - Yeah.

You're not going to, uh, close the lid on me, are you?

Not until I know you better.

[both moaning]

Where is it? Where's the gun?

- There ain't no gun. - Your brother's in the hospital.

He nearly died. Doesn't that mean anything to you?

Next time it'll be one of your sisters.

Could you live with that, huh?

If you don't give a damn about your own life,

think of them, think of your sisters!

Think of them! Friggin' think!

I want that damn gun back! Give me that gun!

- You want the gun? You want the gun? - Yes!

You can have the gun. It doesn't matter.

There'll just be another one in here by tomorrow.

[hip-hop music playing]

[ship horn blares]

I'm going to quit.

As soon as Bayliss and Lewis and I get the bar going,

I'm going to hang up my badge.

Hell, I might even go to work with my brother

at the mortuary if I have to.

I gotta stop doing this job.

Bull. Come on. You wouldn't last a day.

I've had my doubts, too, recently.

None of us wants to end up like Steve Crosetti.

We're cops, John. We can't be anything else.

- You know what the trouble being a cop is? - Hmm?

We got guns floating around like pods during hay fever season.

Little guns. Big guns. Assault weapons.

We could arm a third-world country

with the guns we got right here in Charm City.

- And you know what? - What?

It's okay by me.

Want to know why it's okay by me?

[chuckles] Yeah, why?

Because it's in the Bill of Rights.

The right to bear arms.

If you start screwing with the Bill of Rights,

you might as well hang a sign on the Statue of Liberty

that says, "Welcome to Iran."

So what you're saying is people have the right to own guns,

they just shouldn't own guns.

I'm saying there's no answer.

No solution. There's nothing.

Absolutely nothing we can do about it.

There's no point in even trying.

Trying is the ultimate act of delusion.

Trying is for fools. Trying is...

pointless.

No, you can't stop trying, Munchkin.

You stop trying, you're dead.

[glass shatters]

Oh, jeez, Beau. Don't sneak up on me like that, man.

I didn't sneak up on you. I opened the door and came to the sink.

- What's the matter with you? - Why? Why? Do I look different?

- You look a little flushed. - Oh.

Uh, I, uh--

I had sex in a coffin last night.

- Yeah, right. - Yeah.

I had what may be the best sex of my life.

- In a coffin. - In a coffin?

In a coffin.

I'm sick, right? I'm really sick. I'm disturbed.

I should see the-- the department shrink. I need help.

This so-called sex, with whom did you have it with?

- A vampire? - Um, Emma Zoole.

- Lewis's Emma Zoole? - Yeah, yeah.

Not only am I sick and depraved,

but I'm also the worst friend that a friend could have.

I am slime beneath contempt.

Oh, God, I hate myself.

Because of Lewis or because of the coffin?

I-- I don't-- What difference does it make, all right?

I mean, I was weak. I lost all self-control.

[sighs] Oh, my God.

Beau, help me. What am I gonna do?

- Confess. - Tell Lewis?

The truth?

Yes! Yes!

Yes, that's right.

That's what I'm gonna do, you see?

I'm gonna tell Lewis, right,

and then I'm gonna tell Emma that it's all over between us,

and then I'm gonna get a fresh start in life.

- Right, Beau? Huh? - Right.

Yeah. Okay.

Good.

- Yeah. - In a coffin?

[Felton snickering]

[Munch] I can't tell you how much I appreciate this, Miss Justo.

Oh, that's all right, Detective.

It's not every day that an elephant squashes your mother.

Should have given him the peanut.

Please be seated.

Good afternoon.

I'm Carla Justo, your awareness trainer.

The goal of this program is to help

beverage servers prevent intoxication.

Bar owners have the legal responsibility

to prevent intoxicated persons from driving,

refusing service to minors,

and making reasonable efforts to prevent

a patron from becoming intoxicated.

- Uh, yes? - Excuse me, uh, drunk drivers and minors, I'm all over that.

It's that last point I'm a little cloudy on.

Getting people to buy as much liquor as possible,

isn't that the point of owning a bar?

- Detective Munch. - I mean, don't we all want to make kiss-my-butt money,

charging 200% markup on booze, isn't that how it works?

Can we wait for comments until the end of class?

- Sure. Fine. - [Justo] Hmm.

Remember,

you can be fined and/or imprisoned

for serving someone who's known

as a habitual drunkard or mentally deficient.

That's exactly the type of clientele I hope to attract to my bar.

[Justo] Detective, if you continue this disruptive behavior,

I will have to excuse you from class,

and you will not receive your license.

Oh. I'm sorry, Miss Justo.

Thank you.

Now, the primary purpose of your job

is not to sell alcohol...

but hospitality.

I wonder if I could charge customers for hospitality.

That's it. Take your elephant, and get out.

I can't. I've got to get the certificate.

Well, you're not going to get it from me.

[sighs]

[office din]

- Hey, Bayliss. - Hey.

Hey, Meldrick. Uh, how's it going? Are you--

I have to talk to you about something.

- About Emma. - [Lewis scoffs]

- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah.

Anyway, you see, uh, she, uh--

- How was it? - How-- how was what?

Your date with Emma.

I heard you took her to an art gallery.

Date?

You had a date with Emma?

You went behind my back with Emma?

Me? Meldrick, look at-- No, no, not me.

I would not do that to you.

- Hey, Bayliss. - What?

Beau says you slept with Emma Zoole

in a "cofoon" or something?

What is she--

You went to bed with-- with Emma?

No, Meldrick, no.

We did not go to-- to a bed together.

- [Bolander] What is a "cofoon"? - [Howard] I don't know.

Beau was laughing so hard when he said it, he had to sit down.

You slept with my Emma?

I thought I smelled sex around here.

- How could you do this, man? - Meldrick, come on, please.

- No, no, no, no. - Hey, come on, listen.

You are a disloyal son of a bitch,

and I don't want anything to do with you.

[clucks tongue]

Thank you, all of you.

[sighs]

- [Russert grunts] - Megan.

- Hey. - Hi.

How's, uh, Carolyn?

- She's good, thanks. - How you doing?

I'm good, Beau. I'm-- I'm doing well.

How about you? How are things at home?

I'm not sure. It's, uh--

It's gotten worse as time goes on.

She's edgy and unhappy.

Last night at dinner, I asked her to pass me the salt.

She about ripped my head off.

I thought she was gonna take a swing at me.

Maybe she knows.

- About us? - Well, she must have found out

you weren't holed up in a monastery

while you two were separated.

I never said a word.

[Russert scoffs]

Well, it's not about words, Beau.

It's about feelings.

I gotta run. Take care.

[*]

I cannot believe how Bayliss screwed me over.

You know, sometimes I think the world has too many kids.

What is the point of having all these children?

Oh, don't start with me, Munch.

I look around the streets, and from where I'm sitting,

we don't even take good care of the ones we got.

Why is it that every conversation with you

winds up being depressing?

I'm in a dark place, Meldrick. Deal with it.

Yeah, well, make some room, I'll join you.

How's your damn Alcohol Awareness class going?

I have some unpleasant news, Meldrick.

What else I've been getting lately, but unpleasant news?

What am I, the town dump? Go ahead, pile it on, Munch.

- I got expelled. - Expelled?

From the Alcohol Awareness training program.

I've been banned for life, actually.

- Well, it doesn't matter. - Well, of course it matters.

If we don't get the certificate of compliance, we can't buy the bar.

The only upside is that there's three of us.

- Not anymore. - What do you mean?

I can't go on to be--

I don't want to be in business with Bayliss.

I'm pulling out of the partnership.

[laughs] Oh, that's great.

That's it. That does it.

Today now is officially the most miserable day of my life.

[knocking loudly]

[doorbell rings repeatedly]

- [Emma] I'm coming. - Hi.

Listen, I can-- I cannot see you any longer.

I mean, I don't want to hurt your feelings or anything like that,

and God knows that being with you was great,

but I lied to Meldrick, all right?

And now he hates me, and I can't focus on my work.

And-- and this thing, this-- this coffin,

although it's extremely exciting,

is just-- that's-- it's way too weird, Emma.

I'm sorry.

- No, hey, you're-- you're right. - I am?

I don't want to be unfair to Andy.

To Andy...

A man I'm s-- seeing.

- You have a boyfriend? - No, just-- no.

Just sort of.

Why didn't you tell me about this guy?

Look, we just got, you know,

overwhelmed by each other, and went too fast, and--

- Who is he? - Well, um, he's a cop.

He's a cop.

What kind of cop is he?

He's, um, county cop, Baltimore County.

Maybe it's better that

we, um, don't see each other.

Yeah, right, right, right,

because I'm into maintaining some sense of control,

and being with you, I just have no control.

But I want you to know I think you're a t-- terrific person.

Right, right. And me, you, too.

And hey, you know...

who knows, maybe we'll be friends.

Right, right, friends, friends.

- Friends. - Yes, I would--

I'd like to do that very much.

My God, you've got a beautiful mouth.

[mellow music playing]

[*]

[song lyrics playing]

[*]

[*]