Original subtitles

[Howard] You came across the body this morning?

I thought, "My God, what is this?"

It didn't look real to me for a moment.

It looked like a mannequin.

It didn't register right away

that I was looking at a dead person.

- A man. - What time was this?

About six o'clock.

I got up early to check on my perennials.

I had covered them last night with plastic sheets.

There was a threat of frost in the forecast for overnight.

What time this morning?

- Six o'clock? - Yeah.

- I just said that, didn't I? - [Howard] Yeah, you did.

I just want to make sure you had it.

Don't worry, if she doesn't, I do.

[Howard] And you don't know the victim?

- No. - [Felton] Howard, you okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine. - [Felton] You sure?

- You just got real pale all of a sudden. - Sure did.

[Howard] Could you just go on with what you were saying?

I use plastic to cover my rose bushes and chrysanthemums.

I mean, I've been trying to conserve.

Everyone here in Union Square is recycling.

But the plastic keeps the air from freezing around the plants.

It keeps them moist.

I wouldn't have used plastic otherwise.

Call yourself an environmentalist, huh?

Cigarette hanging out of your mouth?

You know how many toxins are in that cigarette?

Go on. Suck it in.

4,000 chemicals in every puff,

and over 40 of them cause cancer.

You have twice the chances of hitting the heart attack lottery

- as somebody who doesn't smoke. - I never said I was an environmentalist.

You've got 20 times more chance to get lung cancer.

- You've got emphysema, chronic bronchitis. - Come on.

Cancer of the mouth, of the throat,

of the lungs, of the stomach.

Cataracts, loss of vision, sinus infection.

- [Howard laughs] - Oh, my God, you quit smoking.

You committed this madness without consulting me first?

Are you nuts? No, no, no, you're selfish.

You ex-smokers are more relentless than AA.

Or the Moonies, or those born-again vegetarians.

Well, I'll tell you what, I'm not going to let you bully me about this.

I don't want to hear about how your lungs are pinker than a newborn baby's.

Or how you feel free of mucus and phlegm.

It's all a bunch of crap. It's all a bunch of nonsense.

I don't want you counting the number of days you've gone without a cigarette

when you're supposed to be watching my back.

You're putting my life on the line.

I'll put in for hazard pay. No, you know what?

I'm going to put in for another partner.

Beau.

Beau, would you-- We're not finished here.

Oh, man.

All right, what do we got?

[theme song playing]

[music fades]

It's a suicide, Munch.

It could be a murder staged to look like a suicide.

[Bolander] You've been doing this for too long.

Hey, this is a pretty elaborate setup.

I mean, look at these knots and the way this is rigged and everything.

And she's not a big person.

How'd she get that high?

[Bolander] She was on a horse.

Died with her boots on.

Yippee-kay-yay-yi-oh.

Gentlemen, I would like you to meet Frank.

We found him a couple blocks away.

- [Munch] Speeding? - [laughs] Yeah.

- [phone ringing] - Be right back, okay?

- Was this country-western music on when you got here? - [uniform] Yes, sir.

This is what killed her, the country and western music.

- [uniform] I don't follow. - You don't follow?

Listening to songs like "I'd Be Better Off in a Pine Box"?

Well, I like country and western.

Sorry to hear that.

What do you get when you play

a country-western song backwards?

[sighs] What?

You get your wife back,

your job back, and your dog back.

[Bolander] That was the lieutenant.

He said since this is a suicide that we have here

and the squad is shorthanded, he wants us to hop over

and investigate a suspicious death.

- [Munch] Where? - [Bolander] Harbor Hospital.

That's not a suspicious death, that's malpractice.

- [horse neighs] - See you, Frank.

- Take care, Roy Rogers. - Yeah.

[ship horns honking in distance]

How you doing?

- All right. - All right.

Who did you see last night at Union Square?

Can I help you? Nope.

But thanks.

Who are you?

Don Falls, Public Works Inspector.

I'm taking air quality measurements.

- Says who? - Says the city.

City Council passed

the air quality ordinance three years ago.

Every public access building in the city has got to be tested.

Three years ago, you're now just getting around to it.

Work order falls in my box yesterday,

I come in today.

That's all I know for the paycheck I get.

This is a what?

It's a fibrous aerosol monitor.

This will tell me how much dust and fiber is in the air?

Yeah. Continuous reading.

- Is this good? - Yeah.

It's reading less than 70.

Any reading less than 70 particles per square millimeter

is okay by EPA standards.

- So, it's safe to drink my coffee. - Yeah.

This building, it's not so bad because it's so old.

It's the newer buildings.

The ones built between the '60s and '70s. [exhales]

They wrapped up those buildings tighter than a rubber ball.

Those are your hot potatoes. Your gas chambers.

- But we're safe here. - Safe?

Oh, yeah. More than safe.

And you won't bother my detectives anymore?

Me? Oh, I'm gone.

I'm history.

[mumbling]

[Meldrick] You know, this probably doesn't say much for me,

but you're about the closest thing I got to a best friend.

And so without further ado,

I want you to see my baby.

- [Crosetti] Your baby? - [Meldrick] My baby.

- Ah, Meldrick. - [Meldrick] She's a beauty, huh?

[Crosetti] I think it looks like an engine.

[Meldrick] Not just an engine, Crosetti.

It's a high-riser.

427 overhead Cam V8 with dual Holley carbs.

600 horses of power in this baby.

She flies like the Wicked Witch of the West.

I'm gonna have to move to Nevada.

Oh, let me see, let me see.

Where are the doors and the tires?

Oh, you know, see, this is the petty line of details.

What you have in your hand is the heart and soul

of the Cobra that I am building.

Let me tell you, that doesn't play with me.

See, when you buy a house here,

you don't buy a pile of dirt with a toilet on it.

You buy four walls, which constitutes a dwelling.

You, if you look very closely, have squat here.

See, you're making fun of me, and I appreciate that.

But what I have there

is the foundation of a classic sports car.

What you have on your tie is ink.

[phone ringing]

Homicide, Detective Goodwrench.

Ink on my t--

Oh, that's what this one is. Tie.

[country music playing in background]

What's the matter with you?

I'm okay.

Where's my damn lighter?

- Give me the light. - I don't got one.

- You sure? Maybe you do. - I don't.

Well, how do you know? Why don't you check your jacket pocket?

I don't have one, because I don't smoke anymore, Frank.

I know, but I just thought maybe you had a match for me.

I can't have lighters or matches or anything on me.

I can't have spicy foods. I can't drink beer for a while.

I can't have ashtrays in my house.

Okay, I just thought maybe you had one from before.

I have a patch on.

Yeah, one of those nicotine reduction systems,

you know, it's going to wean me off the addiction.

I'm on my second set, you know.

I was coming off of, what was it, you know, like,

three packs

of these disgusting things, you know, every day. [scoffs]

- I feel better. - That's good.

You know, and I sleep better, Frank.

The things I eat, the foods that I eat--

you know, I got to stay away from the spicy foods and all that,

but vegetables, Frank,

vegetables, you know, they just never tasted so sweet.

[crunching]

I'm going to get a light in the car.

No, no, no, you stay right here, Frank.

You sat in the smoking session, you get yourself a light.

You got those rights. Can we have matches, please?

- Look, don't worry about it. - No, Frank, just sit down, all right?

Smoke your cigarette right here, all right?

It doesn't bother me, Frank. Please, just sit down.

- Tim, Tim, does this bother you? - No.

Okay, I didn't know. I thought the patch took away the urge.

It does, all right? And there's no problem, Frank.

Look at that. A-ha. Matches.

- Oh, okay. - Here.

Oh, great, great, great. Now I don't have the urge anymore.

- I don't want a cigarette anymore. - No, no, no, you do.

Here, just light the match, Frank.

Light the match, light the cigarette, all right?

I can't light the match because it'll just bring back

a very negative-- you know, kind of a negative--

And you want me to light the cigarette?

- Yes, please, light the cigarette. - Even though I don't want to?

For God's sake, please just light it, yes?

So this is really you lighting the cigarette,

and somehow you're sublimating it through me.

You're nobody's fool, Frank.

[Pembleton exhales]

Great.

- Tops off a meal, doesn't it? - [Pembleton chuckles]

You're a [indistinct], you know that?

Why are cops such big country and western fans?

Bobbie Sue this, Billy Ray that.

Two-minute stories about how much a dog knows about life.

- [Bolander chuckles] - Morality tales, slices of life.

If dogs knew so much about life,

they sure as hell wouldn't hang around with humans.

So what kind of music do you like?

- I don't know. - You don't know?

How could you not know what kind of music you like?

Elvis, I like Elvis.

Elvis? Elvis Presley, The King?

- Yes, Munch. - The King has left the planet.

[sighs] The man was a god.

The man was a junkie.

They put him on a postage stamp.

Hey, they'd put Ted Bundy on a postage stamp.

If they thought it would sell.

[Dr. Devilbiss] Patient's name is Howell.

Percy Howell. 14 years old.

Died an hour ago of a cerebral hemorrhage.

What makes you think it was a murder?

The hemorrhage is a result of severe trauma to the skull

by a blunt object.

- Mugging? - Probably.

- Can we talk to the paramedics who brought him in? - Ambo didn't bring him in.

According to the admitting clerk, he just suddenly appeared on the waiting room couch.

You mean he walked in under his own steam

with a cerebral hemorrhage?

It's possible.

According to the scan,

he sustained the blows to the head a few days ago.

Ah, not another teenager.

Don't old people die around here anymore?

Put the bag on. Let's go.

[overlapping chatter]

Why would someone get whacked on the noggin

and then wait days for treatment?

[Bolander sighs]

[dramatic music playing]

Mr. Howell,

we're very sorry about your loss.

God's will be done.

- Was Percy mugged recently? - I don't know.

[Bolander] Well, how do you explain it

when he came home a few days ago,

he was all beat up?

He didn't.

- And you didn't ask? - [Mr. Howell scoffs]

In this neighborhood, people get attacked every day.

That may be true, but we're talking about your son.

Did he complain about anything?

- Pain? - He said he had a headache.

I gave him Bufferin.

When was the last time you saw your son?

Last night.

He went out with one of his friends.

What's his friend's name?

I don't know.

He didn't introduce me.

Are you a Jew?

- I'm Jewish, yes. - Hmm.

I can always tell.

Let me get that coffee.

I don't think it was a mugging.

I wonder if it was child abuse.

- The father. - [Bolander sighs]

What a cold fish, huh? I mean, he had no feelings.

There's nothing about his son.

I've never been a father, but how can you have no feelings about your kid?

You regret never being a daddy?

I regret everything.

What's happening with you and Dr. Blythe?

I just-- I haven't called her lately.

- Well, you've been preoccupied. - Yeah, right.

I went over last night

to pick up the last of my things from the old house.

'cause my wife is moving to California.

She wants to be somewhere that's always sunny.

She says to me, "You ruined my life."

Like, I did it on purpose, right?

Like, you know, I had a plan when we first met,

on that first date, to ruin her life.

[Bolander sighs]

So, I'll call District

and see if Howell Sr. has any priors on child abuse.

Good, let's do it. Let's get this one fast.

[engine revving]

[laughter]

Looking good, Gee.

I'd give anything to have a child that size again.

If you want to make a baby,

you got to get you a new wife, man.

It's like riding a bike.

I had a wife.

Yeah, well, you know, when one dies,

you get another one, huh?

Jim Scinta and I would watch

the same football game every weekend.

We'd read the same newspaper.

We'd buy our clothes and ties from the same store

at the same clearance sales.

Every day when the shift changes,

we'd pass each other.

We'd talk about open cases, being understaffed,

our ulcers, sports, whatever.

12 hours later, we'd repeat the dance.

[Giardello chuckles]

Uh-huh.

Every day of those 12 years,

Jim Scinta was there.

I guess I thought he always would be.

Yeah, well, you know, it's...

I don't like...

change.

So what is it? Sex or money?

What?

Something powerful to influence you to give up smoking.

Either you made a bet with somebody

or you're sharing your party favors

with a very significant other.

Sex and money are the only two things in this world

more potent than tobacco.

[laughs] What are you talking about?

I hear rumors, rumors about you

and Assistant State's Attorney Ed Danvers.

So what kind of bet you got going with him?

I don't have any bet going with him.

Oh, so you went out to dinner, then back to your place,

and after a night of hot, steamy, sweaty, bone rattling,

you lay back and light a cigarette.

Now, he gets on your case about the smoking, right?

Come on, it's about love, right?

- Shows, huh? - Yeah.

I feel tawdry just thinking about it.

[Howard chuckles]

I must be crazy. Certifiable.

I should go see the Department shrink about it. [sighs]

Frank.

What?

Ed Danvers is an alpha male.

He's a stallion among ponies, huh?

He's a man larger than life itself.

Large, you mean large as in--

- Mm-hmm. - Huh.

Why else do you think I'd quit a two-pack-a-day habit?

- [Howard laughs] - Whoa, whoa, whoa, you--

We're talking about Ed Danvers, right?

The midget dweeb? Come on, cut it out.

No, he drives me insane. Makes me see stars.

I walk around feeling all this sweet pain.

I shouldn't be hearing this.

How do you talk about something like this?

- And he's constant. - Oh, Howard.

I mean, anywhere. All day, all night.

In the park, in the car, in the movie theater.

I've had to set some ground rules.

He can't touch me in restaurants or in the church.

Howard, Howard, I think you're going too far.

Frank.

Frank, I was only kidding.

I didn't give up cigarettes for Ed Danvers.

I gave them up for me.

- You were kidding? - Yes.

- About everything? About-- - Yes.

Yeah.

- No. - Oh, come on, Howard.

Hey, see? I guess you'll never know.

[phones ringing]

Do you know where those Polaroids are?

This girl wants to talk with someone about the Howell case.

[Munch] Why don't you sit down, honey?

- I'm gonna get some coffee. - Yeah.

Go ahead. It's all right. You can sit down.

Pretty sweater you got.

My name is Stanley. What's your name?

- Anna Prager. - Anna Prager.

- Beautiful name. - No, it's not.

It's pretty terrible what happened to Percy, huh?

Did you come to tell me something about Percy?

I was up in my room, and I couldn't sleep.

This is the night that Percy was hurt?

Yeah.

- Do you know what time it was? - No.

I was supposed to be asleep, and then I heard yelling.

I went to the window and saw Percy with another boy.

Do you know the other boy's name?

No.

Have you seen that other boy around before?

Yeah, a lot.

I've seen him with Percy all the time.

He has a car.

- What kind of car? - Red.

This other boy, did you see his face?

Sort of. He had on a hat.

You know, one of those ones with a funny snap in the front.

Funny snap in the front?

Yeah, one of those ones from the old man golfers.

Look-- look at that.

Is that the kind of hat we're talking about?

- Yeah, but it wasn't snapped. - That's me.

I'm a real old man golfer myself.

It wasn't snapped, huh?

You know what, Anna?

We're going to go to another room,

and we're going to look at some pictures of boys,

and we're going to see if you can find the one

who was with Percy that night.

I wasn't supposed to say anything.

I know what could happen if that boy came back.

I've seen red cars all around my house.

He must be coming around.

But you came because Percy was your friend.

Yeah, I never told him, but...

I was hoping he'd be my boyfriend.

I understand.

Let's go look at those pictures.

Come on.

Hey, Gee.

What's new on the Union Square murder?

I had a witness in here yesterday.

Now all I got to do is find the killer

and hope the witness can ID him.

Well, keep me posted.

The mayor hates the idea

that someone got whacked in Union Square.

- It scares the tourists. - Wouldn't want that.

- Hey, Gee. - [Giardello] Tim.

[Bayliss] You look contemplative today, sir.

Must have been that grappa you turned me on to.

I did? [indistinct]. I hate grappa.

It tastes and smells like kerosene.

I'll tell you, Bayliss, I had two shots of it last night.

And for the first time, I actually like having myself accompanied.

Everything's empty.

Tim.

You took the last Coke, Tim.

I didn't. Really.

But if you want me to, I'll run up to the third floor and get you something.

What do you need? Do you need a Coke?

- That's okay. - No, it's all right.

I'll make them run up there. Just give me some money.

You're hungover. You don't-- I'll go.

- No. - Come on, Gee.

I'm willing to run up to the third floor

for you and only you.

No. Then I'd be beholden to you.

I'd owe you.

You make it sound

like you're here playing chess with death.

Maybe I am.

[tense music playing]

[machines whirring]

What the hell is going on here?

[indistinct]

[steady beeping]

I know you're upset, Al. I'd be upset, too.

I didn't know you hadn't been informed

on this asbestos removal.

- Yeah, right. - It wasn't seeping into the air.

The insulation and fireproofing is still intact.

No money is being spared in the budget on this removal.

This cleanup is in strict adherence

to Federal guidelines and procedures.

This is a safe procedure.

This building would be safe if you didn't remove the asbestos.

- I'm going to make a phone call. - [Granger] What?

- I'm going to make a couple of calls. - [Granger] Who are you calling?

We have the makings of a great story here, don't we?

I mean, I have asbestos flying around here

and no one tells the rank and file?

The men and women who put their lives on the line

every day working out of this homicide unit.

There are no asbestos fibers flying around in the air.

Let's see what the Baltimore Sun, radio

and local television stations do with this story.

- It's a non-story, Al. - Oh, it is, huh?

Is that why the two of you are down here

to tell me, this shift lieutenant,

how non a non-related story this is?

- What do you want? - What?

- I want something? - Oh, come on, Giardello.

You're cute and all, but not that cute.

Oh, I'm a heartbreaker. You can't bet against that.

- Tell me what you want. - What do I want?

What do you want? What should you want?

If you didn't want something, you'd have made your phone calls

a long time ago.

All right.

I want my people to have chest x-rays

- and physicals paid for by the city. - [Barnfather] Done.

I want the information about the asbestos removal going on given to them.

I want them to be able to make the choice

of whether or not they should come into this building

while this asbestos removal is going on.

[Barnfather] Done.

I want there to be a follow-up every year about this,

paid for by the city,

for every single detective in this department.

[Barnfather] Done.

None of the work should proceed

until this health issue is resolved.

Hey, I'm on a tight schedule. I can't afford any delays.

If I hear one air compressor going off,

if I see anyone walking up to that top floor,

then I will post six of my biggest detectives in front of that exit

and seal the window off until next spring.

You're a commanding officer. You can't take this personally.

That's what they tell someone in prison just before they punk them.

- Are you trying to punk me here? - I didn't say that, Al.

I wouldn't say that to you.

So you got us on this one, Giardello.

What, you want an ounce of blood out of us, huh?

You want some kind of revenge? Would that satisfy you?

An ounce of your blood to satisfy me?

My Sicilian ancestors believed that revenge is best served cold.

I want you to pray with all your heart, my friend,

that if any one of my detectives

comes down with asbestos sickness,

if any one of those detectives even has a funny cough,

that I want you to remember the Sicilians' blood oath.

[indistinct], my friend.

I will bury you.

[camera shutter clicks]

- Ah, the glamour boys are here. - Oh, man.

Hey, DeSilva, thinking about moving in?

Forget about it. You'd ruin the neighborhood.

Well, we ran out of room next door.

I don't expect you to be the Welcome Wagon lady,

but we just made the biggest drug bust in Baltimore history.

Uh-oh. Get out the body bags.

- Have the ME stand by. - Why?

Well, because, you know, these narcs,

they make a seizure, they get a few headlines.

Next day, we got to clean up.

Three, four bodies, dealers, middlemen, innocent bystanders.

- And that's my fault. - [Munch] It's the law's fault.

Hey. Hey, Russ, what's up? What's going on?

It's the biggest bust in history.

You know what that means?

I'm not bitter. I can use the overtime.

- But just this week. - All right.

- Marijuana's illegal because of William Randolph Hearst. - Hearst?

- You mean the Citizen Kane Hearst? - Yes. And the du Ponts.

Marijuana's the flowering tops of the hemp plant.

The hemp plant also produces very high-quality fiber,

better than wood fiber.

The Hearsts owned a tremendous timber acreage.

They would have lost a fortune.

And the du Ponts, they wanted to introduce

a new synthetic to the world.

- Nylon. To replace hemp rope. - I see.

- So then they outlawed the hemp. - Until World War II.

And then the Japanese invaded the Philippines,

took over the hemp plantations.

And there was a shortage of rope during the war,

so the government had all the American farmers grow hemp.

Matter of fact, they made a little film, Hemp for Victory.

Hemp for-- I saw that film.

Yeah, they showed it to all the 4-H clubs.

So then Hearst, after the war,

helps the government get hemp illegal again,

which made marijuana illegal again.

- [indistinct]. - [DeSilva] Yeah, it's well put.

But I've heard that Hearst theory before.

How do you explain the fact

that marijuana is illegal in most other countries?

First of all, it's not a theory.

Second of all, Hearst had a very long arm.

Hearst had a very far reach.

- [DeSilva] You really believe that? - I really believe that.

No wonder you guys can't solve a murder.

Well, I wouldn't solve yours.

All right, so I'll be the primary, cool?

- All right, why? - I need the money.

Two hours here at the scene,

three hours for the interrogation,

three more hours for the paperwork,

four hours for the autopsy.

That's 12 hours at a time and a half.

- You're a whore. - I'm a man building a Cobra.

- Can I make a call? - Who would you like to call?

My ride. I've been here an hour.

Well, as soon as we're through here,

we'll get you a ride, okay?

Evan, you own a red Camaro, don't you?

Yeah.

[Bolander] You know Percy Howell?

No.

We have a witness, Evan, who saw you

with Percy Howell the night he was attacked.

Me? Nope.

- We have a witness. - I don't care.

I don't know the man.

Evan, when you say you don't know the man,

do you mean that in the philosophical sense,

as in "No man really knows another man,"

or are you referring to the biblical sense,

in, like, say, "Lot knew his wife?"

Man, what's he jagging on about?

You're a lying bastard, aren't you?

You think we're stupid, huh? Answer me.

- You think we're stupid? - I don't know.

- I don't know you. - You don't know me?

You don't know him? You don't know Percy?

Do you know anybody?

- Huh? - Huh?

You're a lying liar, you know that?

You're just a liar. You make me sick.

- You're charged. - Charged with what?

Charged with what? With being a lying liar, okay?

You lying piece of detritus.

I didn't lie.

What is detritus?

[Bolander] Detective Munch.

I'm afraid that we're going to have to subject Mr. Hess here

to an electrolyte neutron magnetic scan test.

[Evan] A-- a what?

Detective Bolander, I think that's an excellent idea.

Very good idea.

We're going to neutron this little bastard!

[door shuts closed]

And I can't wait.

Let me get this clear in my mind.

What you want me to do is section off

a non-smoking area for the two of you, right?

Not just for the two of us. For any non-smokers.

[Giardello] Uh-huh. Where are all these non-smokers?

- You build it, they will come. - [Giardello] Is that right?

Where do you suggest I find the space to create--

to build this non-nicotine Field of Dreams?

In the coffee room? Would that suit you?

- You'd give us the coffee room? - Sure.

I give you permission to post a notice.

You put up a sign

to ban all cigarette smoking in the coffee room.

No, I think that the coffee room is sacred to the guys, Chief.

You're not as dumb as you look, Bayliss.

- [Bayliss] Thanks, Chief. - Coffee and nicotine.

Mom and apple pie. Hot dogs with mustard.

Sex and latex.

Somehow you mess with any of the combination of those,

you take your life in your hands.

There's a statute from OSHA that mandates

that no smoking areas be designated

in each and every public working place.

Oh, OSHA, huh? [laughs]

All right.

There are Federal statutes and state statutes

and city statutes mandating that people curb their dogs,

play their stereos at a reasonable volume

and respect the office of the presidency,

but who cares about any of that?

[laughs] OSHA.

You refuse to enforce Federal law?

[Giardello] Yes, I do. I most certainly do.

Gee, sometimes being in command

means issuing unpopular orders.

Are you calling me a coward?

[Bayliss] No, no, no, no, no, no.

- No, I'm not. - [Giardello] Sure you are.

In so many words, you're saying I'm too scared

to put a cigarette ban in this squad room.

I watched Crosetti try to quit smoking.

Crosetti without smoking is an unnecessary terror.

You may be right, I may be a coward,

but you may be right and needlessly stupid

and reckless at the same time.

Now get out of here, both of you.

[laughs]

[door shuts closed]

Evan computes as a member of a loosely formed gang

called the Zeps.

Think it was them that mugged Percy?

I don't know.

What'd you say we find out?

[Munch] All right, bring him in.

Mr. Hess, according to Federal regulation

7-7-B-.6,

I have to inform you

that continued exposure to this machine,

the electrolyte neutron magnetic test scanner,

can be lethal.

For your own health, I'm going to urge you

to answer these questions quickly and truthfully.

- You understand? - But that's only a copy machine.

[Bolander] Copy machine?

You know, a machine that makes copies.

- [knocking on door] - [Munch] Hey, Beau.

Hey, Stanley, your ex-wife's on the phone.

Right, I'll get back to her.

You guys doing the electrolyte neutron magnetic test scan?

[Munch] Yes.

Hey, man, I've asked you guys, I don't even want to be in the building

when that thing's turned on, all right?

[Bolander] All right, Mr. Hess, take your right glove off,

place your right hand in the designated area.

Let's go. Come on.

We don't want to waste time with this, son.

Mr. Hess,

is your name Evan Hess?

Yes.

[printer whirring]

So far, so good.

Do you belong to a gang known as the Zeps?

Yes.

[printer whirring]

Very good.

Just keep telling the truth, Evan.

You ready?

I don't want to be gamma-rayed, man.

All right, do you know who killed Percy Howell?

- Uh, uh-- - Come on.

- No. - [printer whirring]

You can't fool it.

It's a space age.

Do it again and just keep doing it until he tells the truth.

Me, I have to get out of here because I cannot afford

to lose any more of my sperm count.

Yo, what-- what-- what?

I guess we didn't tell you.

There's an 11% chance of penile stustification.

Penile stu--

Oh, jeez.

Okay. Okay, okay.

It was Colin, man.

Colin Dietz.

The leader of the Zeps.

He hit Percy with a baseball bat.

Baseball bats. Weapon of choice of the '90s.

Cheap, legal, you can get them at any sporting goods store.

You know, I can remember when kids used to use

baseball bats to hit baseballs with.

Am I gonna die?

Am I gonna die from these neutron rays?

Oh, no, man.

You're not gonna die from neutron rays, because...

smart guy, this is a copy machine.

Come on.

That Union Square killing?

I just got the address of a bar our suspect frequents.

- Dean Foreman. - Great, let's go.

[Pembleton] Hey, Dean Foreman?

I got a warrant on that guy for one of my cases.

- The Lily murder. - Yeah.

Hey, Howie, there's no way I'm riding with you

if I can't smoke.

You're not smoking in the car, Beau.

- I'll ride with Kay. - Okay.

Oh, salvation.

- It's for you. - [Meldrick] What? [chuckles]

What you doing, man?

What is it, a diamond engagement ring?

Some kind of necklace or something?

[Meldrick scoffs]

Hey, hey, hey. [laughs]

That's a genuine Cobra rearview mirror,

and look who is behind the wheel.

Where'd you get this?

I just got some connections, you know.

Hey, wow, man. What can I say?

Well, you could say, you could say

that you're going to buy me a round at the Wharf Rat.

Yeah, I could say that.

You could say that you're going to buy me

at least, like, a pack of cigarettes.

No, I could say I'm going to buy you one,

but I'm gonna bum one for you from somebody else.

I'll bum you a cigarette.

You know, you are such a cheap person.

- I'm cheap? - I spent my money on that thing.

Where did you get this? Where did you get this?

I'm not going to tell you where I got the damn thing.

- Okay, one beer. - One beer.

- And a shot. - And a shot.

- A shot and a beer. - You get your own cigarettes.

And a pack of cigarettes.

I want the cigarettes, too, you dirty, rotten, son of a...

[road din]

It's impossible to be partners with someone

who's trying to quit smoking.

It's the guilt trip they run, right?

I feel like I've got to post bond

every time I want to take a cigarette out.

Every time I go to light one up,

I can feel Howard's eyes burning a hole

through the back of my head, like I just abandoned her.

I quit once.

I'm going to quit again.

- Someday for good. - Me too.

I quit for three months once.

- Eight months. - Eight months?

That's impressive, eight months.

Well, not straight. No.

Over the years, I've quit smoking ten times

for a total of eight months.

Hmm.

You bought a pack of cigarettes.

Yeah, but I threw them away as soon as I opened the pack.

Yeah, but you bought a pack of cigarettes.

- How'd it feel? - Great.

And I said-- real calm, I said, "A pack of Winstons."

Oh, Winstons, good choice.

Yeah, so I paid for them, you know, and I walked out,

my heart is just pounding away

and, you know, my hands are all sweaty

and I opened the pack.

Oh, yeah, that little red band

on the Winstons that opens the cellophane.

I threw the pack away as soon as I opened it, though.

You see?

- That's willpower. - Absolutely.

Then I, you know, walked over and I picked them up again

because that package just felt so good in my hands, you know?

You know how a new pack of cigarettes,

you know how it just lies in the palm of the hand

so lightly yet so solidly.

You say what you want about America,

but we still make a damn fine pack of cigarettes.

Yeah.

We should stop smoking.

Our partners, they know what they're doing.

They do, don't they? Self-righteous bastards.

They're right to quit.

You're right, they're right.

I was off the smoke for three months.

You know, I said to myself, "Hey, I got this thing beat."

Then I go out on this one case,

stand in this room looking at all these burned bodies.

Yeah?

It was all so quick. So sudden.

Things come out of the blue. Wire shorts out.

Family's dead. Bing. Just like that.

It's all random.

- Every damn thing. - It is.

I step out on the street

after seen this family burned to death.

I don't know.

I don't know how that cigarette wound up in my mouth,

but there it was.

All lit up.

Yeah.

[sirens wailing]

Colin Dietz. You Colin?

Colin, I want you to turn around and face the front of this truck.

Turn around, son. Reach up on the bed of that truck.

You have the right to remain silent.

You have the right to have an attorney.

If you can't afford an attorney, Colin,

I'm gonna get you one, all right?

You understand that?

You understand?

He asked you a question.

Yeah, I understand.

Well, let me ask you something else, then.

Percy Howell was what, 14 years old?

He's not a very big guy physically, is he?

But you and your gang, you surround him, don't you?

And you beat him with a baseball bat.

Now, why? Hm? Money?

How much money did he have on him?

That's funny to you, isn't it, Colin?

Well, I want to try to understand

the humor here, son, all right?

We weren't mugging him.

We were making him.

Percy wanted to be a Zep.

He wanted to be in the gang. So?

So you hit him in the head with a baseball bat

to see how tough he was, some kind of initiation?

No, I hit him with that bat because we're brothers.

Brothers in pain.

You see, not everyone in this world's born rich.

Not everyone in this world's smart.

But there's one thing we all know.

Everybody, everybody knows pain.

I hit him with that bat to show him

that I understand his pain.

I hit him with that bat...

to show him that I love him.

Well, you killed him. Get him out of here.

Man, you don't get it, do you?

Do you?

Ah, that's cool.

[Bolander sighs]

[sirens wailing]

Murder ain't what it used to be.

[somber music playing]

How about those nicotine patches?

They work?

- Hmm? - Patches?

Ah, yes. Absolutely.

I just remembered, I gotta talk to Frank for a minute.

What do you gotta talk to Frank about?

Hey, Tim!

- Hi, Frank. - Hey.

- Hey, can I get a cigarette? - What?

Just give me a damn cigarette, all right?

[laughs] Give me a cigarette, Beau.

He's cracking up already. Look at him.

[Bayliss laughs]

That's so funny. All right. Okay.

Hey, that's him. That's the guy.

[indistinct]

[upbeat music playing]

[Bolander] We killed him, you know?

Yeah, we killed Elvis.

It's just as if we'd taken a gun, put it to his head.

- You think so? - He's just a country boy.

He's looking for some lovin', you know, like everybody else.

- He's no different. - Yeah.

We turned him into a bloated,

drug-addicted monster.

That's what we do, you know?

The people that we identify with...

somebody comes along and they say what's in our hearts,

and we love them so much for that,

that we push them away.

We make them isolate themselves.

And I'm not just talking about, you know,

building yourself a fortress like Graceland or anything like that.

I'm talking about...

- You know, Elvis got fat. - Yeah.

- He got famous. He got fat. - Real fat.

Boy, he ate, and he ate.

He turned himself into an island, you know?

Orson Welles did the same thing.

Brando. Liz Taylor.

What for, though? I mean, really, what for?

For love?

Is it for love?

[sighs]

Just the other day, I saw the body of a kid.

Just a teenage kid.

Some other kid killed him with a baseball bat.

- Mm. - Yeah.

I mean, the kid stands there,

lets the other kid hit him with a baseball bat, because...

the kid just had no love in his life.

Yeah. The bat.

I mean, getting hit with that bat.

Maybe that's the most affection he ever got.

- Yeah. - Hmm.

[sniffles]

[sighs]

My wife and I danced to Elvis on our first date.

- You did? - Yeah.

I'd like to see that.

We were hot. We were hot.

- [waiter chuckles] - Yeah.

My ex.

We just got divorced after 23 years of marriage.

- That's a long time, isn't it? - I know.

We loved each other when we were married.

We did. Yeah.

I mean, I-- I really think...

I mean, I don't...

I don't know if I remember it.

I'm not sure.

- Here's to tomorrow. - Yeah.

[sighs]

[singing]

[vocalizing]

[theme song playing]