Original subtitles

I made the mistake of bringing the cute boy home

where my dear family lives.

He wasn't that cute.

Get out.

Anyway, still waiting on that first kiss.

But there's a dance this Friday

Where the girls ask the guys,

And this time I'm going to make sure I get it.

Get what, honey?

Oh, my first A+ in Science, Daddy.

That's my girl.

Hey, Dad, great news. I got a job.

Stop right there. I'm having the greatest dream of my life.

The school's gonna pay me 100 bucks to D.J. at the dance on Friday.

The dream continues.

I just need you to give me 200 dollars

To rent the D.J. equipment.

And now I'm awake.

Hey, what was I doing in the dream?

You weren't saying anything, which is why I thought it was a dream.

P.J., why would you take a job where you're gonna lose money?

Does everything always have to be about money?

Are you giving me the 200?

Sorry, son. You're gonna have to come up with the money some other way.

Like how?

Oh, I know. Get a job.

I'll be right back.

Wait, where's your sister? Don't bother her, Emmett.

Okay, where shouldn't I bother her?

In the kitchen. All right.

Hey, Teddy bear.

Hey, Emmett.

You know this dance this Friday night is "Girls Ask Guys," right?

You're a girl. I'm a guy.

Something you want to ask me?

Okay, Emmett, listen,

P.J. is my brother and you're his best friend.

So in a way you're kind of like my brother too.

And I can't go to the dance with my brother.

You can see why that would be wrong, right?

This is the longest conversation we've ever had.

Did you hear anything I just said?

Something about wanting to go to the dance with a brother.

Emmett, I want you to listen to me very carefully.

I'm not going to ask you to the dance.

When you touch me it feels like electricity.

♪ Today's all burnt toast ♪

♪ Running late, and Dad jokes ♪

♪ Has anybody seen my left shoe ♪

♪ Close my eyes, take a bite ♪

♪ Grab a ride, laugh out loud ♪

♪ There it is up on the roof ♪

♪ I've been there, I survived ♪

♪ So just take my advice ♪

♪ Hang in there, Baby, things are crazy ♪

♪ But I know your future's bright ♪

♪ Hang in there, Baby ♪

♪ There's no maybe ♪

♪ Everything turns out all right ♪

♪ Sure life is up and down ♪

♪ But trust me, it comes back all around ♪

♪ You're gonna love who you turn out to be ♪

♪ Hang in there, Baby ♪

Hi, kids. Hey, Mom.

Come on, Charlie, let's go see daddy.

You know what I realized today?

Charlie's never played laser tag.

I bet she'd enjoy doing that on Friday night.

Oh, how very sweet and unselfish of you.

But Charlie's gonna be with us Friday night.

It's your school's open house.

Right. Forgot about that.

Well, we haven't. Dad and I can't wait

To meet this miracle worker... Mrs. Mellish.

She's the first teacher who hasn't called to complain about you.

Are you sure he's actually going to school?

Mom, you've been to so many open houses.

And you'd love laser tag.

It's like a workout but you get to shoot stuff.

Oh, come on, we can play laser tag anytime.

Meeting a teacher that has no problems with you...

that may never happen again.

This is bad. What's bad?

The only reason I haven't been getting in trouble

is that I told my teacher, Mom and Dad have been fighting a lot.

That actually works?

You also have to give the teacher one of these.

Wow, that's good.

I almost hugged you. And I never want to hug you.

Works even better on Mrs. Mellish.

Any time I do something wrong...

Mommy and Daddy were fighting again.

Well, I guess your evil plan is gonna be over on Friday night,

'cause Mom and Dad won't be fighting.

Or will they?

So who are you asking to the dance?

Okay, here's a hint. He's really cute and...

You ladies talking about me again?

You know I'm not talking about you,

since I dumped your sorry butt a long time ago.

That's not how me and my sorry butt remember it.

Remind me again why you ever went out with him.

Only one way to explain it...

Brain fart.

Brain fart.

So who's this cutie you're gonna ask?

Spencer.

Oh, right,

"Mr. Almost First Kiss."

You'd better get moving on that. Your window is closing.

What window? The window of opportunity.

Oh, thanks. That really clears things up.

T, you almost kissed this guy,

but nothing happened since then.

If you don't act soon, you're doomed to be just friends.

I like Spencer, he likes me,

and I'll ask him when the time is right.

That better be right now, chica,

Because Lauren Sandoval is gonna ask him.

Lauren would never do that to me. She's too good a friend.

There's your good friend right now. Where?

Walking up to Spencer. What? That little witch!

Yeah!

Oh, Lauren, you poor thing.

What a horrible, ugly tomatoey mess you are.

Come on, pizza face, let's get you cleaned up.

Come on.

Oh, Spencer, hey. Didn't see you there.

Hi, Teddy.

Boy, that pizza really came out of nowhere, huh?

Yeah. Nice shot.

It's all in the wrist.

Now tell me again

and don't leave out a single detail...

what exactly did Spencer say when you asked him?

He said, and I quote,

"okay."

Oh, wouldn't it be so romantic

if I got my first kiss during a slow dance?

That could happen if you don't wear

that red polkadot thing that makes you look like a clown.

No no, you're right.

I should dress more subtle and understated,

like you.

That's all I'm saying.

Now I just have to figure out

How Spencer and I are gonna get to the dance.

How are you getting there?

I haven't asked anyone yet.

I'm still trying to decide between five guys.

Well, do any of them drive?

Let's see...

Sophomore, freshman, sophomore,

eighth-grader I don't really want to talk about,

and sophomore.

So no, no drivers on the list.

That's too bad, because if you could find somebody who drives

then Spencer and I could double with you.

Yeah, consider it done. I'll just expand my list

and lower my standards a little bit.

Lower than the eighth grade?

You want a ride or not?

Okay, they say it's gonna be chilly tonight.

I want to make sure you're nice and toasty.

Did I remember to change your diaper?

I'm gonna go with yes.

Are you ready to go? Yeah.

It is gonna be so nice to go to an open house

and not to have to hear the words

"Oh, you're Gabe's parents."

Mom, are you wearing perfume?

I am.

What? You don't like it?

Oh, I like it, but...

But what? Does someone else not like it?

I don't want to get Dad in trouble.

Wait, Dad says he doesn't like my perfume?

He doesn't just say it. He makes a face too.

And sometimes there's gagging.

Well, that's interesting.

Has your father shared anything else with you

About how I disgust him?

I've said too much already.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

Nice jacket, Dad.

Isn't it? Got my company logo right there...

free advertising and a great conversation starter.

Does Mom know you're wearing it?

Oh, I've been dressing myself for some time now.

So no, I didn't run it by her.

Oh, I guess she'll just have to live with it.

Why? Is there a problem?

I don't want to get Mom in trouble,

but just between us,

She thinks you talk too much about your job.

I talk too much about my job...

the same job that puts a roof over your mother's head?

Hey, I'm on your side.

So what else does she say about me behind my back?

I've said too much already.

Come on, guys. Gotta go. Gonna be late.

Well, we're taking the bug truck,

if that's okay with you.

As long as the windows work.

I don't want to trigger anyone's gag reflex.

Women.

Hey, good luck at your open house tonight.

Good luck at whatever you're dressed so weird for.

Look at you.

Oh, no, look at you.

Well, I wish I was someone else

so I could look at both of us.

So where's your date?

Parking the car.

Oh, I like it. Who is he?

Okay, about that... there's something you should know...

'Sup?

Emmett, would you excuse us for a minute real quick?

Okay, just...

Emmett?

We needed transportation.

It was either Emmett or an eighth-grader

with a skateboard.

Let's just go have a good time, okay?

Shall we?

Teddy bear.

Grizzly bear.

You look really nice.

You are really nice.

Thanks.

Whose car is this?

My grandpa's. He thinks I'm at the store getting bread.

But instead you'll be at the dance getting nothing.

Wow, looks like my seat belt's broken.

Maybe I should sit in the middle.

Is that okay?

Yeah.

'Cause I'm all about safety.

Teddy, you're blocking my view.

You mind moving away from Spencer?

Big guy, lean the other way.

More.

More.

Emmett, if he leans any more, he'll fall out of the car.

More.

Well, this is my classroom.

Mrs. Mellish looks busy. Maybe we should come back next year.

Whoa, P-U alert.

I get it, okay?

I'm talking about Charlie's diaper. What's her problem?

Heck if I know.

And for your information,

Some people find that scent very pleasant.

A full diaper?

I'm gonna be back in a minute.

I'm gonna go change Charlie, okay? Okay.

Hi, Gabe. Hi, Mrs. Mellish.

How is my brave little soldier?

Not good. Mom and Dad are fighting again.

Oh, you poor thing.

They've been fighting all week.

I don't think I can get that book report into you by Tuesday.

That's okay, dear.

You take all the time you need.

I don't need time.

I need happiness.

All right. That song was brought to you

by Freddy's Stereo Hut.

"When you're ready to rock steady, go see Freddy."

P.J., what's with all the commercials?

That's how I'm paying for all the equipment.

I got some sponsors to buy advertising.

Who would buy advertising from you?

You'd be surprised.

This next one is brought to you by Mom

who gave me 20 bucks.

Mom... when you absolutely, positively

can't get any more money out of Dad.

Bob, come here, honey, look.

Look at this picture Gabe drew.

Isn't that sweet?

Yeah, it sure is. You know what, honey?

I guess we're doing something right.

Would you look at that?

Gabe, it seems like your parents are getting along.

I'm gonna go introduce myself.

Gotta think. Gotta think.

It's go time, Ricky.

Excuse me, lady. You've got a rat on your shoulder.

Rat on the loose!

Remain calm. Remain calm.

Remain calm. Remain calm.

Spencer, could you get me some punch, please?

Sure. I'll be right back.

Emmett, why don't you go get me some punch too?

What, your feet don't work?

Ice or no ice? Surprise me.

I think it's time for me to make my move.

Go get that kiss, girl.

Hey, P.J., put on a slow song, okay?

You got it, sis.

Okay, we're gonna bring it down now,

just like you should bring yourselves down to Wally's Waffles.

Tell them P.J. sent you. You can get a free pat of butter.

Here you go. Oh, thanks.

Let's dance.

Yo, quick, throw on some hip-hop.

But I just started this song. Now.

Okay, this next one is brought to you by Emmett.

Emmett... he's...

Standing right there.

What just happened?

Emmett stole my date.

Back we go, little guy,

Safe and sound.

Boy, really tired. We should go.

Thank you, Mr. Duncan. That was very impressive.

Well, when you've been in the pest control biz

as long as I have, you...

you know, I really shouldn't talk about my work.

it, uh, bugs my wife.

No, it doesn't. Why would you think that?

Because Gabe told me it did.

Charlie looks more tired than me, so...

Gabe told me you hated my perfume.

I never said that. What are you talking about?

Oh, please don't do this here.

Isn't it bad enough that poor Gabe has to listen

to you two constantly fighting at home?

We don't fight at home. We're very happy.

Look at this picture Gabe drew of our family.

That's not his.

That's Gabe M's.

This is Gabe D's.

That's disturbing.

Mrs. Mellish, I assure you we're a very loving family.

Gabe, get your butt over here.

Now why would you tell your teacher that we're fighting at home?

So I could get out of doing my work.

I'm in big trouble, right?

Oh, yeah!

Have all your overdue assignments on my desk Monday morning.

But that'll take me the whole weekend.

You poor thing.

Get your coat. We're leaving.

I can't believe we let him play us like that.

I know. How could I ever think you didn't like my perfume?

Well, it's not my favorite.

Said the guy with the cartoon cockroach on his blazer.

It's an ant.

Man, your jerking is dope.

Man, your popping... sick.

I'd like to pop both of these jerks.

Sorry you didn't get that kiss.

Yeah, well, the night's not over yet.

Follow my lead.

Hey, what's that noise?

What noise?

The noise Teddy is talking about.

Sounds like it's coming from the back of the car.

Yeah, I hear it too. It sounds bad.

You should probably pull over and check it out.

I'm telling you... Stop the car!

Just come on, I'll show you where the noise is coming from.

I know where the noise is coming from.

You want to keep that head?

I suggest you not do that again.

Oh, sorry, sorry.

In my head that went a lot smoother.

Hello there.

Hi.

Look, I'm sorry I got so caught up

With Emmett and the dancing.

I kind of like the way things were going before then.

Yeah, me too.

I'm glad we got to go to the dance together.

I was a little nervous because Ivy said my window was closing.

And then Lauren Sandoval almost asked you. And then Ivy and Emmett

showed up at my house and I was like, "Oh, no. How is this gonna work?"

And I just...

That was a really nice way of telling me to shut up.

Well, Charlie, I finally got my first kiss tonight

and now I can't stop smiling.

Who knew that Emmett's grandpa's car

would turn out to be the most romantic place in the world?

Okay, I'm gonna try and stop smiling.

No, I can't do it.

Man, look at that girl work it.

Wow.. I thought we were good.

Not as good as that.

She got it goin' on.