Original subtitles

I want to thank you all for coming to this,

the first graduation ceremony for our Bikini Model Academy.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Colleen.

We weren't always like this

beautiful, gorgeous, and perfect in every way,

but every superhero has an origin story.

Yeah!

This is ours.

This is how we became what we are today.

It all began with a boy and his dream.

* Listen to the world, man

* It's coming at you

* We coming strong

* Yeah, yeah

* Come on in here, play the music

* We are down tonight to have a little party

* Turn up the fight

* We're feeling good, we'll be so hearty

* The music is going like a bomb

* Will set your soul to soothing

* We got the beat man always coming swinging

* I'm the one you know, we'll all come together

* We're here to give you extraordinary pleasure

* Listen to me make the free bridge the distance

* Coming through, I'm gonna break down your resistance

* I'm the one you know, we'll all come together

* We're here to give you extraordinary pleasure

* Listen to me make the free bridge the distance

* Coming through, I'm gonna break down your resistance

* We come to give you all night long

* We come to make it come on strong

* We come to give it all night long

* We come to make it be so strong

* We come to make it last all night

* We gonna make you feel all right

* We gonna do it to you now

* Gonna make you scream out loud

* Scream out loud

* Scream out loud

* Scream out loud

* Scream out loud

What?

You want me to stop?

Do you want a kiss?

You usually never want to right after.

How romantic.

T.J! Where are you going? Come back!

Uh.

Teej! Teej! Is that you? What's wrong?

It's a massacre!

Oh, no!

Dude, what happened to the crops?

I don't know, dude.

They were good last night, I...

T.J., how long did you leave the hose on last night?

Huh?

Uh, till like, uh, now.

Fuck you, motherfucker!

Don't squirt me! Don't squirt me!

This is serious! All right?

What if those girls find out that you murdered a crop?

They're gonna leave us.

You think? Nah.

You don't know them like I do.

They'll stick with us through thick and thin.

We'd heard about your crop failure.

Get it? "Weed" heard?

Weed!

Not funny.

Bad news travels fast.

Good morning, Trixie, Dixie.

Jesus, you guys look great in those short, short, shorts.

Do not let him sweet talk you again.

Always with the posing.

What's up with that?

But we are super-cuties.

Everyone says so.

I think so too.

Do something for me?

Honey, just try this, alright?

Put your legs out. Okay, right?

Come here, so get closer together.

Uh-huh.

Don't be afraid to touch, all right?

And then kind of put your chest out like this.

And then your lips like this, and this with...

They get it, they get it. You can stop.

Just stop.

I'm very sorry about that.

It's just when you guys get together, you're really hot.

Really hot.

Well, we're very, very sorry for your loss.

Really we really are. Right, Trixie?

Mm-hmm.

But we are so out of here.

But...

What...

Where will you go?

Who will take care of you?

My dad's a lawyer in Encino,

and her dad is a gynecologist in Woodland Hills, remember?

So I guess we'll just go home.

And get check-ups.

Mm?

What? Don't everybody look at me like I'm weird.

Benji, T.J., you're both really sweet guys,

but you're not living up to your potential.

So, no. We are...

Off like a prom dress.

Good luck. Um, write if you make money.

Oh, and I hope you don't mind,

but I took the last of your shake and this old thing.

Wait! Come on!

Tri, Dixie! What about the movies?

See? Told you they'd stay.

This is all your fault, all right?

Now we have no weed, no crop,

and no girls.

At least this day can't get any worse, right?

Good day.

My two invisible informants have just told me

that you're out of the pot business.

I just got off the phone with your Aunt Ethel.

She told me she's gonna be back from Florida on the 31st,

and she wants you out of the house before she gets home.

Thirty days?

Thirty days?

A problem is an opportunity in disguise.

You can do it. I believe in you.

See, buddy?

Baking really relaxes.

And baking these really does the Trixie.

You want one?

Yeah.

Nice.

Oh, geez! It's really hot!

Cool moves, dude.

Uncle Seymour has them.

Oh...

Shit is way bad, man.

You don't have any non-fat?

We have some powdered milk.

Hah! Hah!

Jesus!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Do that one.

What the fuck?

Just put it...

This is going be awesome.

Hey!

Uncle, those, those aren't, um...

I know what they are.

They need milk.

Great Gangina!

All you guys need is a fresh start, a new idea.

Back in 1903, there were two brothers

who ran a bicycle shop, and they took parts of bicycles...

Wright brothers.

Exactly.

Then not too long ago in the 30s, there was a guy,

he had a pharmacy store who had a flair

for mixing carbonation and cocaine!

Right! Caramel colored carbonated cola drinks.

Exactly.

Then not too long ago, two guys got together in a garage,

put their heads together, and came up...

You talking Wozniak and Jobs inventing Apple,

or the two speed freaks who got busted on Stratton

for starting a meth lab?

No. Wozniak and Jobs.

We don't even have a garage.

I mean, we just have a two-car covered carport.

Okay. Do you understand the truth of what I'm saying?

That's the truth

of the truth.

I'm leaving.

Are you seeing what I'm seeing?

Are you seeing a mystical hole in time

opening before our very eyes?

I think I am, bro.

You summoned me?

And by the way, big boy,

It's pronounced "Gangeena." Not the other way.

Yes, ma'am.

Hey, great Gangina,

warrior goddess of horticulture and fertility,

we, we need your help.

That much is obvious.

You're drinking powdered milk.

So what are we supposed to do?

Well, what are you good at?

Well, I always considered myself an expert

in the education process.

Dude, you don't have a degree in anything.

Dude, I spent like eight years inside the,

the higher education process.

Must have learned something while I was in it.

Maybe.

And you, Benjamin Zachariah Bernstein,

you and your port-porno, what's up?

I guess I'm just waiting.

Think. What do you like?

What do you love?

What are you truly passionate about?

I like girls and women.

Yeah, yeah, I wanna do something with that.

I could visualize myself running a school for women.

I mean maybe like a bikini college.

No, no, no, that's not it, it's like a modeling school.

Oh my Goddess.

We could open a bikini model academy!

Whoo!

I have the ability to get money from

a government grant to pay you for running your school.

Really?

In this trance-like, otherworldly fantasy,

do we get to have sex with you?

Bro, are you okay?

You're so beautiful.

T.J., seriously.

You're supposed to have more class than that.

Did that really just happen?

Why don't you tell me what you think happened

and I'll confirm it.

We experienced a visitation

from the Ganja Goddess.

And now we're going to start a bikini modeling academy

and change the lives and the bikinis of everyone we touch.

And Uncle Seymour's gonna get

government money for the students.

- Hi. - Hi.

Bikini modeling isn't just a job.

It's a way of life.

And it's a state of mind.

We at BMA.

Bikini Model Academy, believe that any girl...

Or woman.

Can find and maintain their inner beauty.

And we show you how.

Financial aid is available...

For those who can apply.

All right, walk off, walk off.

BMA!

Bangarang, bitch. That's good.

Then we're good.

You look good. You're kind of natural at that.

Like a, a Brando, a young Brando.

Congratulations!

Now you have a website.

Now you're legit.

The next thing any successful business needs

is a business plan, okay?

To have a business plan, you need a white board.

Come on, man. Come on.

Good? All right.

Right now, you're probably wondering,

"Hey! Who's that dickhead in the sports car with Trixie?"

That is the guy that we've hated since we were 12.

Gordon Randolph Beauregard Stoutelmeir.

Or as we maliciously taunted him

since grade school, Grub Snout.

That's Grub Snout?

You remember that paper route he had,

and that like recycling thing?

Well apparently, he turned it into a big business.

In addition to owning arcades and Internet cafes,

a paintball park...

Oh, no. He owns a bikini modeling school?

That bastard stole our idea.

That supports my theory that he can spy on us.

You cannot let the conspiracy thing go.

Our idea can still work.

Oh, that dude is such a nemesis asswipe.

That's right, fuckers.

It's me, Gordon Randolph Beauregard Stoutelmeir,

all grown up as you can see.

Wanna drag?

You know, I'd ask you how's Trix, but,

as you can see, I already know.

You know I already know about your little futile exercise.

I can tell you one thing.

It won't amount to nothing.

Anyway,

so long, suckers.

Oh! That guy's such a...

I can't even say it.

I wanna be like him, okay?

I know.

I hate him, but I want what he has.

I want it, Benji.

Number one, get girls.

Number two, get girls.

Number three, get girls!

Bikini Model Academy. Help me.

Bikini model, oh can I recruit you

for my bikini modeling school?

How about if it's free? No? No?

How about if I pay you? Right? I can do that.

Bikini model?

Did you say that you would pay me?

Yeah.

To be in your school?

Take that.

For you. There you go.

What kind of school hires girls to become bikini models?

Uh, one that wants to attract students?

I'm trying to reverse engineer the model, okay?

Now we have the students, we'll just make it up in volume.

Wacha!

T.J., will you fix that, please?

There's a shadow on her face.

I used to be a cheerleader.

Impressive. Impressive.

Can you do the other leg?

I can try.

- Oh! - Nice!

Pew! Pew!

Okay. Hi.

What's your name? Where are you from?

And if you could just repeat the questions in your answers.

My name is Sandy.

And I'm originally from Miami.

My name is Katherine. Idaho.

Idaho?

Yes. Idaho, like, uh...

Ida, Idaho.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Um, Idaho.

Mary Crue. Hi.

Hi, my name's Tarnaynay. What's your name?

My parents call me Jane.

My name's Coleen.

I'm Olga, and I'm a Russian spy.

Sue Ellen, and I am from Bakersfield.

What would you say is your favorite feature?

Like on my cell phone?

Or like in my car?

My eyes.

I love like the sunroof.

Look.

It's automatic. I don't have to crank it.

What?

You smell really good.

What do you think is your worst feature?

My thighs.

Your thighs?

Yeah.

Because they so thick, they good for kicking somebody's ass.

Kicking ass and taking names.

You should not be looking at my body like that.

That is not professional.

My nipples.

That's impressive.

Bikini models don't have bad features.

Cool.

What was the happiest day in your life?

My daddy bought me a little pink bike with a kitten in it.

Kitty, kitty.

What do your favorite girlfriends say

about you behind your back?

Well my favorite friends are books,

and I'm pretty sure they don't talk.

How would I know what they say behind my back,

if it's behind my back?

Honestly, what brought you out here today?

You pay me, right?

I have a lot to expose to the world.

Probably these guys right here.

My parents always said, you know,

in case getting my PhD in neurobiology

and double majoring in quantum physics

doesn't really pan out, that you know,

you should always have something to fall back on.

What does the idea, the bikini model, mean inside you?

Is this like a trick question?

Good luck finding that bikini model inside me.

Don't worry about him.

He's, he doesn't really get a vote.

- You know, I'm totally throwing my heart out to him. - Nope!

Alright, well thank you, okay?

We'll call you soon. It's hard work.

Did you hear that?

I don't know if I can do it.

T.J., this way your idea,

wanting to shape and mold the girls,

transform them, touch them, change their lives.

Does sound a lot hornier when you say it.

And I can see some potential for the touching parts.

Rise to this occasion, all right?

Really, wow.

Take this, and bring your big game!

Really?

Big game? Is that it?

Yeah, big game is good.

I'm trying to give you this. I'm here...

I'm giving you Denzel Washington

in "Remember the Titans."

- You, you know what? - Yeah.

Okay. You know what? Here. Here.

You wanna quit?

You quit, all right? I knew this was a full-of-shit idea.

And I knew you were gonna back out.

No, it's not.

You know, some of us were actually counting on this?

Yeah, some of us actually thought

this could make a big difference in our lives.

Really?

Yes, really.

Some of us actually started believing in you.

Even me.

- What? - You did?

- What about now? - Just a little.

And some of us don't wanna twerk anymore.

I came all the way up to the Valley,

you all better make this work.

Pull your skirt down. Let's go, guys.

Bikini models.

Yeah.

Yeah.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Come on, guys. - All right.

BMA?

BMA. BMA!

Left, right.

* I don't know what I've been told *

No singing?

Very nice.

Very good, very nice.

About face!

What's that? Let's see here.

Got some split ends, but that's okay.

Oh, laser will take care of that.

Great, great. My God, is that a bullet wound?

That's okay. Don't even, don't even worry about it. Good.

About face!

Okay good. Models looking good.

We have um, nine people maybe...

Oh my God. Oh my God.

Note to self, get some crab powder,

or spray, possibly Monistat 7.

Did you say clam chowder?

No.

No, no, no, no, a powder, powder, powder.

It's okay. Oh my, oh my God. Oh my God.

No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, stop that!

Oh my God, that's disgusting.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Give us a second, ladies.

So what's our next move?

Obviously.

I mean, you can see for yourself, we got a school.

Okay, and...

And together we can and will transform these women

from the sad, pathetic, lackluster, wannabe specimens

who stand before us, into, into something exotic,

beautiful, alluring and attractive.

Ladies?

Okay, okay.

Nice. A little "raised by wolves," but...

You're cold? It's like a hundred degrees.

Got crazy eyes going on.

You having a stroke?

You having a stroke right now? Okay.

Hey. Okay, yeah, yeah, I like this.

This is, this is nice. I like it.

Okay, good, good.

Hey, how's it going?

That's what I thought.

That's what I thought. Huh?

That's what I thought.

Okay, you want it. You want it.

I can see. I can see.

You, you don't want it.

You don't want it?

Okay. Okay, like a five.

Like a five, six six, four.

It's a four now.

What did, what did you guys eat?

Kale salad.

Oh, I don't want some of that, but I do want some of this.

So tight.

Okay, yeah.

Good job. Good job, guys.

Okay, let's, let's turn around.

Yes, yes, no, maybe. Yes.

Don't know what that is.

Okay. Yes.

Okay!

About face!

I have looked upon the women,

and I have determined that we can

and we will transform these ladies into

beautiful bikini models.

So you are looking at the new faces of Bikini Model Academy!

Yeah!

Can anyone touch their toes?

I can stand on one finger.

Oh, wow. Okay.

We'll work on that.

I wanna see those stems...

Oh, okay. No, no. No, no...

Whoa!

It felt really good.

Everybody in the pool. Go!

Come on, come on. Come on.

Whoa!

Only thing missing now is the instructor.

Good!

Grab on to the wall.

Kick with the other foot.

Kick! And kick!

Don't look at each other. Look at me.

Don't look at each other. Look at me.

Very good.

Whoo!

Atta girl.

Whoo!

Get him!

All right. Okay ladies, I want you to walk for us, please.

T.J. is gonna lead this. Okay.

Very good.

Well done.

Okay, all right, let's go, come on.

* Yeah, put your hands up, up, up

* Yo, put them up, put them up, hey

* Everybody put your hands up, up, up

* Yo, put them up, put them up

* We gonna rock the party like this

* You gonna rock the party like this

* We gonna rock the party like this *

As of right now, you're not upper-echelon

of bikini models that I've ever seen.

But I believe that with T.J.'s help, I can mold you.

I believe in my heart of hearts that I can shape you,

that I can transform you into something

that you'll be proud of, not just proud of in your hearts,

and in your body, but also in your mind.

I believe.

I, I, I believe.

Bring it in, guys, bring it in.

T.J., look.

It's a damn lawyer's letter.

Man, I knew this was gonna happen.

From the Internet,

Grub Snout must have figured out

that we were doing the school.

It's from some law firm representing

our arch nemesis Grub Snout.

And he sent a lawyer's letter

threatening legal actions to shut us down.

It also says, "Do not ignore this letter."

But they all say that.

Well, that's that.

Can I uh, can I see that, bro?

Which we handled

in our usual professional manner.

Oh, those two punks aren't gonna know

what's gonna hit them.

I'm so excited.

By ignoring it.

That's gonna go down.

It's gonna go down big time.

All right. I'll catch you soon.

Which only made Grub Snout snoutier.

Work, work, work, work! Come on, do it!

Burn! Feel the burn! Feel the burn!

Benji was really proud

of his motivational skills.

He really got those girls up and moving.

Of course, he had help.

But he soon came to realize he was gonna need

a little bit of work on his endurance and stamina.

Not to mention the spitting up.

So what do you guys think about the plan?

Let's give it some time.

I mean, they gave us a chance,

let's give them at least a chance.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Okay. - Yeah.

And besides we have nothing to worry about.

They're paying us.

Who is it?

It's me T.J.

They want to see you.

All of them.

Do they have rope?

Women can make rope out of anything.

I want entanglement.

I'm looking for entanglement.

I'll take being tied up, I'd use handcuffs.

I bet you would.

I like whips.

She's a bad girl.

- I like whips. - With those glasses?

She has the yardstick.

You've been a naughty, naughty boy.

What am I gonna do?

Best thing you can do is follow your heart.

Well right now my heart is saying

I could pop a window and escape?

Or just tell the truth.

Tell the truth.

Okay?

I don't have a key for that window anyway.

It doesn't matter.

Take a deep breath, you're gonna be fine.

All love to you.

And here we go.

Hey, we need to talk to you.

You owe us money.

Mm-hmm.

Yes, I, I, I do. Uh, let's talk, whoa!

Oh, hey, uh...

Hey! Hey! What's going on in here, you guys?

- Benji! - There's a party, you guys didn't invite me?

So um, I just have a few words,

T.J. and I know you all have a lot of questions for us,

and you wanna voice your opinions,

and we will get to that, but first,

I had to see if any of you ladies wanted to try

one of T.J.'s delicious brownies.

Oh.

T.J. personally baked these brownies,

using all-natural, locally homegrown ingredients.

And believe you me when I say, they are amazing.

Yeah.

T.J., I know you were saving these for a special occasion,

but I feel like this right now is a special occasion.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

So let's, let's dig in.

Come one everybody gets a brownie. -

Pass them around.

Everybody, everybody knows that a,

that a great bikini model is also,

also an excellent hostess.

I mean, I don't taste any bugs or fiber, what is,

but I don't feel any pain either.

Um, wait, wait, what did we come here to talk about?

Oh, is there any milk to go with these?

- Yeah. - Oh yeah.

We'll get some milk.

Whoa!

Milk!

All right.

Yeah!

What do you think?

You want me to pour it on you or just drink it?

And this is like the most girls I've ever had in my room

in my whole life, at once.

Or, or cumulatively.

Cumulatively.

I was so desperate to get students into our academy that

I would have done anything.

And you gotta admit, paying you guys

really was the only way to get you to show up.

Not exactly, I mean, I would have shown up anyway.

And right now we're all so high...

Oh yeah.

It may seem like we don't care,

but tomorrow, we might want to do

bodily harm to both of you.

Yes, yes.

Um, hello?

Come on.

Okay, everybody up.

Everybody up.

It's bright.

Whoa!

So this is your stable, huh?

Good morning.

Good morning.

I'm gonna be sick. Watch out.

Don't throw up in the pool.

You know, I came here to serve papers personally,

make sure you guys were shut down for good.

I really do have nothing to worry about.

I haven't seen a posse like this since the O.K. Corral.

Oh, you're all a bunch of men with mustaches.

- Whoa, whoa. - Hey now!

In fact, I've seen hookers on Van Nuys Boulevard

look better than you sorry pieces of shit.

- No! - Whoa!

Are you talking about the hookers under the bridge?

By Sherman Way?

I'm just making sure.

Who is she?

Are you fucking talking shit?

You cannot come in here and say that.

Am I right, ladies?

And who the hell are you anyway?

I'm Gordon Randolph Beauregard Stoutelmeir.

I own Big Top modeling school

and a bunch of other cool stuff.

Ooh!

Perhaps you've heard of me.

We have heard of you.

Yeah, terrible things.

And we don't like you.

And yo mama be on Van Nuys Boulevard.

Ohhh!

She ain't raised you right.

And we don't like the things you say about us

or what you just did to us.

And your mama's a tranny.

No, no, no, I will whup that ass.

Don't hold me back.

Guys, guys, guys, come on.

She's, she's crazy! She's crazy!

You run fast!

- Guys! Guys look! - All right, relax!

No chance of that happening around here

with the likes of you.

Even if...

Even if what?

Even if you were united.

What if we were?

Yeah, what if we were?

Huddle up, everybody. Huddle up!

I gotta be honest.

I might just be trying to bust your guys's balls a little,

because my dad owns like three states and I'm an heiress.

Which three?

It doesn't matter which three, they're states that...

Please continue.

Point is, I don't need the money.

Then why are you slumming with us?

- Yeah. - I wasn't slumming.

I just wanted to see if I actually had the nerve

to become a successful bikini model.

And I realized I do have what it takes.

- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.

I have the charm.

- Mm-hmm. - The poise.

And the bod.

Hell yeah.

I ain't got all day.

So I don't have to do this.

But, seriously that Grub Snout guy is a real jerk,

and I'm for anything that's against him.

Oh yeah?

And I'll even fund some scholarships.

Because I'm broke.

- I got you guys. - Speedy Gonzales, Speedy Gonzales.

Come on, come on.

Okay, so let's do this.

- Yeah, let's do this. - Let's get this guy.

Bikini on three.

One, two, three.

Bikini!

Oh yeah?

Yeah.

Well, put up or shut up.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means, pea-brain.

Or should I say, 4.0 putz-head.

That was really personal.

Coming from a guy who's called me

Grub Snout since I was 12?

Grub Snout! Grub Snout! Grub Snout!

It's like a social ranking thing.

Listen, listen man, you have a really huge size grudge.

Let it go.

I've suffered, all right?

You're still suffering.

Believe me. Too much therapy.

And yet somehow not enough.

This valley isn't big enough for the both,

the, the three of us.

So it goes down like this.

We have a pose-down competition.

What's he...

I don't know.

Go on.

My best against your best.

Our girls against your girls.

Womano a womano.

Here's the dealio, dork, dork.

Pork!

Uh-uh.

Make a list of categories.

The ultimate test of any bikini model's skill set.

You can bring as many girls as you want.

I can bring as many girls as I want.

We get someone impartial to judge.

If my empire could somehow lose to you,

uh, you can have my Big Top Bikini Modeling School

and my awesome paintball park.

Not bad.

And if we win, you'll come around

and we'll shoot you in the ass, right?

Yeah!

The other part is this.

If you lose.

One, you close down and get that

ridiculous commercial off the internet.

See? I told you.

Advertising works.

Yeah!

Buzz off, fossil face!

He's really nice.

He is a national treasure.

So like I was saying, before I was rudely interrupted.

One, your commercial goes away.

And two, all of you girls, including Plain Jane,

Scary Mary or whatever,

sign exclusive contracts with my school.

I'll put them in my freaky-creepy division.

Whoa!

That's mean, dude.

That's, come on.

That's low.

Don't pay attention.

And three,

you have to leave the comfort of T.J.'s aunt's castle

and vacate the Valley, never to return again.

What?

What are you, what are you gonna banish us?

Who are you, Lord Voldemort?

You wanna grouse?

Simply more afraid you appear?

Oh, poor old Benji. Don't cry.

You want some milk?

You also have to pass random weed pee tests for a year.

What?

Comprendo?

Think you can handle that?

So, ladies and gentlemen, we have a wager.

So you're in?

Yeah, I'm in.

Let's do it.

We got this!

One, two, three!

You know what, we're in it to win it. Ugh!

Let the games

begin.

Bye.

Oh, you're going down,

bitches.

Hey, stranger.

Hey, stranger.

How are you?

Good.

Yeah.

You look different.

Oh.

Like, good different.

Thanks. Yeah, I have, the girls have me working out,

and they gave me some style.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I really missed you.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Well, you know, I've, I've really missed you.

Wait, time out.

Did you just say you missed me? Really?

- Yes, I said it. - Really.

I've been smoking your favorite piece every single day.

Chewbacca?

Yeah.

Oh, that's great.

That's great.

So I heard about this big bet.

Yeah, yeah.

So do you think you guys are gonna win?

I hope so.

I mean, we haven't even seen the categories or the rules,

but I can't even consider the price of losing, you know?

I know he's your friend but, you know,

you have to trust that he's gonna be okay without you.

Well, you know, Dixie,

there's plenty of good schools out here too.

So, you haven't been slipping it in one of your models?

Ah, slipping it in? I cannot believe you. No!

Those, those girls, they're like, you know,

just like my sisters, little sisters.

So what does that make me?

Well, definitely not my sister.

Pull my hair. Pull my hair. Pull my hair.

Ohh!

Oh, I missed you.

Ready for this?

Yeah.

Oh! Oh my God. This is so hot!

I missed you.

Get ready.

Oh! Oh God!

Hey, am I your Padawan?

Oh yes, Benji! Yes!

Yes!

Oh baby!

- Use the force! - Oh!

Hey! What's going on over there?

Oh, oh my God, I'm sorry!

He's with me! It's okay! It's okay!

It's not a rape! Aah!

So what kind of night before the start

of the big competition party is this anyways?

Come on, guys.

I suppose not everybody is as excited as everybody else.

Yeah. We get that.

I mean, we don't even know all the categories yet, do we?

No.

I mean, I didn't even know there was

supposed to be a party.

And I thought we were just supposed

to go to bed and think pretty thoughts.

I'm sure the guys have everything under control.

No.

What's it gonna prove anyways?

Yeah. What's it gonna prove anyway?

It will shut that insensitive jerk up.

- I'm for that. - That's true.

But only if we win.

Yes.

So let's drink to winning.

Yes.

Cheers.

We're returning to the scene of the crime.

Was there a crime?

Not yet, I think.

We should go swimming, like, right now.

I don't know.

- Shh. - Shh.

Shh. Come on.

I'm doing it. I'm doing it.

I'm getting in.

I'm getting in.

Whoo!

* Let yourself go

* Take a chance

* Risk it all

Oh, it feels so good.

I'm next!

Show us your tits.

Ready?

* Let yourself go

* Take a chance

* Risk it all

* Find romance

* Don't have to rush

* Take it real slow

* Open your heart

* Let yourself go

* Let yourself go

* Let yourself go

* Let yourself go

* Let yourself go

Ohh.

Ahh.

Gangina, would you give me a sign?

Whoo!

* Let yourself go

* Take a chance

* Risk it all

* Find romance

* Don't have to rush

* Take it real slow

* Open your heart

Thank you, Gangina.

My name's Coleen, honey.

Don't you remember?

Can I come in?

What do you say, huh?

Should I give him a one-night hall pass to nirvana?

You want to come in?

* Let yourself go

* Let yourself go

* Let yourself go

Oh, Ganjina! You're amazing!

Where's that carefree goof who thought

he knew enough about higher education

to open up a bikini academy,

and then bet it all against some rival stuck-up boy?

Uh, he's in there, somewhere.

Right now he's sharing brain space with a guy who's

pretty sure he's found his perfect mate,

but wondering when she's going to see past

all the bravado and fancy talk and realize that,

he's just a little lost right now.

It's okay to be honest about how you feel.

It's a little unnerving.

You're very different from me.

Look, my dad is a big and powerful guy today,

but he wasn't always like that.

He had to wait a long time for my grandpa

to die to get all that money.

So he wasn't a self-made man?

No.

I'm kidding.

Of course he was a self-made man.

But even self-made men don't know how

or where they're going,

and a lot of them change their mind on the way.

What they do have is this absolute conviction.

They go, and they get it.

If this is something that you really want to do,

then do your very best,

and just know that the universe

is going to meet you halfway.

Can you just kiss me and tell me

everything's going to be okay?

Yeah, I'll kiss you.

But swear to me you have some kind

of an angle on winning this thing.

Can I tell you the plan after we kiss?

Okay.

So if we just inflate this

and manipulate this

and provide a few deliberately fabricated pieces...

Great fortunes are made on the backs

of scary challenges and significant opportunities.

What?

We can't let him talk to our girls like that, man.

We have to do something.

I know, I know, man, but a pose down competition, really?

I'm talking about something serious, okay?

Uh-huh.

I'm talking about my girl.

Coleen?

Geez, Teej, I mean, Teej, can you,

can you even count on her?

I mean, do you even really know her?

What if I got to know her last night?

A lot.

Tell me, how was the uh, the all-fired-up,

go-team, uh, pre-game sex?

Dude that's, that's a personal question

and none of your, none of your business.

So I shouldn't say anything bad

because she's standing right behind me, right?

Exactly.

And if you really want to know, the sex was good,

thoughtful, considerate,

probing, curious, and very oral.

Or, you know what?

Uh, I'm good. It's okay.

You don't need to tell me any more.

- I can just... - And, you know,

your friend T.J. here has a very big...

- What? - Okay!

Leans to the right a little bit.

Geez!

Hits my spot in that special way.

Teej, here you go.

I'm going to go for a walk.

Yep.

Did I say something?

Yeah. All right. Here. Yeah. Come join us.

I'm going to have the image of his penis in my head.

Enjoy it.

Yeah. All right, see you guys later.

Sleep on it.

Is he going to be okay?

Not if we lose.

His whole world will have to change,

plus I think he misses his girlfriend.

What about yours?

My world or my girlfriend?

Girlfriend.

Well, going on last night's pep rally,

I'd say win, lose, draw,

my world's already changed.

Oh, I'm going to wipe the floor with those two

and their little girlie friends.

Everything good your end?

Good. Good.

That's what I like to hear, man.

Oh, all those punks they don't know

what's going to hit them.

All right. Catch you uh, later on.

Good to speak. Bye. Ciao.

Work, work, work, work, work!

This isn't money ball.

T.J., this guy, he wants to bury us and enslave our girl,

and he wants to do it really, really bad. Okay?

This cat is going to come at us really

with something surprising and unexpected.

So, T.J., the question that we have to ask ourselves is,

what is it we won't expect?

What?

The geniuses here?

I brought the uh, rules and categories.

They're inside.

I'll tell them you're here.

They may not want to let you in.

Come on, old man, open the door.

Hey!

Yo, you guys, come on, man!

I've got the stuff here!

Stoners!

You let me in, you pussies!

* BMA

* BMA

* Bikini Model Academy, BMA

* Bikini Model Academy

Follow me.

* I've got the walk

* The stylin' smile

* Do I have what it takes to go the extra mile

* The judges will watch and compare my score

* The winner takes all

* I will be coming back for more

* The BMA, BMA

* We're gonna sashay

* Struttin' up and down the catwalk every day, BMA

* And maybe some day we'll go all the way

* At the Bikini Model Academy

Straighten up and sit down.

It's alright. What?

Wow.

What?

I see you brought everyone.

I'm here, idiot.

With matching T-shirts too.

Real cute, guys.

You know, it's not going to change the outcome, but nice.

What's that?

This?

Oh, these are the competition events.

Give us one second. Come here.

Look, okay, this has got to be rigged

somehow in his favor, right?

He's got the events and we don't,

which means right now he has the advantage.

I don't suppose you have this in list form.

As a matter of fact, I do.

Come on, hurry up.

The list and events.

Just waiting for my team.

Yeah. By the way, where is your team anyway?

Yeah.

Oh my team should be here at any moment.

He's probably got a school bus

full of them coming up right now.

Ah.

Here comes the team bus now, chaps.

God Dizam!

God damn.

May I present this year's Big Top Bikini Modeling school's

ultimate competitive traveling team?

Oh yeah.

This is just one person.

This, my friends, is the one, the only

Splendiferous the Magnificent!

Oh my God.

- Ohh. - Ohh.

Yeah.

- Oh my God. - Yes. Oh.

Oh! Oh, oh, ohh.

Ahh!

Ah! Ugh!

You might want to wipe that up.

It's all right. I'll just stand in it.

Ah.

So I know what you saw here, huh?

Shock and awe.

That was the idea here.

You two are obviously pretty shocked and surprised, eh?

So hey, now I've got the claim forms in the car now.

Why don't you just call it a day?

Your former girls can just sign over right now.

Your little,

whew, show of force doesn't intimidate us.

I don't know, bro. She's pretty fucking hot.

We stand before you unfazed.

This is war, my friend, and we're ready to duke it out.

But don't say I didn't give you a chance.

This is your only team member.

Want me to spell it out for you, dumb ass?

There's no need for insults.

And we can put up anybody we want against her.

Yeah. Yeah.

As long as you're wearing

one of your quaint little T-shirts.

I think your money ball idea

may not be that far off the mark.

Really?

What about the judges?

Well, after you met Splendiferous,

I didn't think you'd want anyone.

Ha! So you didn't arrange a judge, and now you forfeit.

- Ha, ha, ha! - Mmm!

It's the world-famous actress, model, and celebutante.

Oh my goddess!

That car must have a bigger back seat than I thought.

Morgan...

- Morgan Fairchild! - Fairchild!

Star of stage, screen, and TV queen.

Hello.

But most awesomest in...

Dallas.

This woman standing before you is a classic actress,

especially on the series Friends.

Uh...

- Come on, ma'am. - Thank you.

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls.

So someone told me that there are games here today.

I hope you've got a lot of coffee.

Oh, thank you.

Thanks.

Oh, you call this coffee?

God.

Oh my God. This is happening.

I'm so excited, I could scream. Aah!

Let's see. For the first one...

Ah. Well, this is easy.

Um, height, weight, and proportions.

To make this a little more fair,

we have invited a friend of Uncle Seymour's,

Father Tim from St. Mary Jane Rectory.

Whoo!

Okay, we have for Splendiferous

height 5'117/8" in heels, hips 36, waist 23, bust 32 C.

I got this. Sandy, you're up.

Her height 6'1".

Go, girl!

Breasts 36.5 D cup.

Oh yeah.

Whoo! Yeah!

Waist 20 inches.

Hips.

351/2 inch.

Yeah!

Oh yeah.

- Good job. - Good job.

Good job.

Good job, ladies. Good job.

So for the first competition, it is a tie.

Two points to each team.

You mind telling me what the fuck happened?

I'll get them on the next one.

The second competition:

walking in high heels.

And for you folks out there, a little warning.

Don't try this at home.

It's harder than it looks.

Oh my God.

Yeah!

Yes! That's amazing!

Not gonna happen.

BMA! BMA!

Sorry.

BMA! BMA! BMA! BMA! BMA!

So for the balance beam,

two points to BMA.

Yes!

And zero to Big Top.

Oh! Choked it!

The next one is the back wash competition,

in which we see who knows

how to properly taste a fine vintage.

Watch this.

All right.

Go.

Oh well, BMA seems to want to go first.

Ladies.

We drink a lot of wine where I'm from.

Careful.

Let's go! Get this!

Careful, careful.

Fix it, girl.

Closer, closer.

Speed it up, priesty. Let's go.

- Hold it! Hold it! - Ah!

Classy.

Class act.

Let me show you how it's done.

Oh.

It's a Mendocino merlot, 2001,

and it's a little on the dry side.

Oh, well, the judge scores this one zero for BMA.

Sorry. Two points to Big Top.

Ladies, you got to watch that wine.

Well, table busing.

You may not trust me after the last competition,

but in my day job I'm a waitress.

And I'm even better after my first glass of wine.

We're trusting you with this one, okay?

Okay.

Listen.

Do not drop the damn tray.

- Okay. - Have fun.

I won't let you guys down.

You go, girl! BMA! Yeah!

BMA! BMA! BMA! BMA! BMA!

Go, girl.

Suck it.

For bus boy balancing acts,

Sandy seems to be somewhat of a professional in this one.

But we will split the points one to each team.

Come on! We should have got that one!

Be fair, Morgan Fairchild, be fair!

Sorry, guys.

I calls them as I sees them.

But...

Next category, or we're going to be here all night.

This one is singing, dancing, playing a musical instrument,

those sort of normal beauty pageant things,

so this is great.

Blonde hair, don't care.

I'm hot, you're not.

BMA is gonna flop.

Let's go Big Top.

Go Wildcats!

Yes, that's awesome.

Ehh!

Yeah, suck on that. Bitch.

In the traditional beauty talent contest,

two points to BMA.

You can't stop this!

Although I always liked that cheer "Go Wildcats."

This takes us to, Olympic ribbon twirling.

Coleen, end this for us.

Get her! Get her! Charge!

Okay, girls. Stop. Stop. Stop.

I declare this one a tie, okay?

One point for each side, and let's just mercifully move on.

Next we have timed chess.

Take that.

Bad move.

Bye-bye.

Time.

And it looks like we have a stalemate, a draw.

One point to each side.

Good job, Gal.

Raah!

The competition is really heating up.

This is the "Can you eat a full three-course dinner?" event.

Eat it for me!

And as my Irish aunt used to say,

don't fill up on the bread.

So you ladies ready?

Go.

Usually you'd think that anybody can eat

a regular dinner and dessert, but not models.

What's that?

I don't see anything.

Done.

Very nice. Very n...

Oh. You have an extra breast.

I call foul! Foul!

Disqualify!

Oh. I'm so sorry. Oops.

Oh, don't be a sore loser.

How about if I just award the two points to BMA?

Yeah!

Huh. A little one-on-one water polo.

The winner has to win by two goals,

and the winner gets five points.

I'm not scared of you.

Really?

Ready?

I got it!

You're doing good, all right? Hang in there!

Ahh!

Yes!

Whoo!

Eee!

Okay. I see how you play.

Come on.

Come on. You got it.

Yes! Ah! Come on!

Let go of me bitch!

Ahh!

Oh you son of a bitch!

Spike! Go for the spike! You got it!

Come on.

Yes!

Ahh!

Come on! Time out!

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

No!

So, after all the two events, our score is,

Bikini Model Academy 11 points,

Big Top Modeling School 13 points.

Yes!

Come on!

It's okay.

Hey, we're still in it, guys.

We're still in it, all right?

Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

The subtlety is overwhelming.

Oh this is nice, a classic facial beauty pose-down.

How about Jane?

- Come on, Jane. - Plain Jane.

- Plain Jane? - What?

You want to read it? It's good.

No. No. No. Not that!

Jane. Jane.

Aah!

Go baby.

Your T-shirt!

God damn.

I'm sorry, baby, but she's got those yams.

Look at those yammy-yams.

Look at the black eye on her.

Go for the eye. Go for the eye.

All right!

Oh that was good.

Oh!

My legs used to look like that.

And now a new point total.

We have two points for BMA for the beauty event.

That fucking bitch!

Motherfucking bitch!

That was for you.

That was for me?

You were so beautiful.

I love you.

I love you.

And now we're down to the final event for all the marbles.

Well, this is unusual.

One-on-one bikini paint ball.

So the score's tied 13-13.

It all comes down to this event.

Uh, this horn is both start and stop.

So it's a two-point event.

Whoever wins this wins the big prize.

Just try not to hit us if you can help it.

Ladies, goggles on.

All right. Good luck.

Get her in the face.

Hey, bitch.

37 hits on Coleen and

52 hits on Splendiferous,

so, guys, BMA wins.

Fucking won!

Mm!

What are you so sore about?

Like you lose anything.

Shoot him in the butt! In the butt!

BMA!

So as I understand it, to the victor go the spoils.

Isn't that what they say in "Spartacus"?

Oh my God!

Anyway, that means that, uh,

both the Big Top Modeling School

and the Your Ass Is Grass Paint Ball Park

now belong to T.J. and Benji.

BMA! BMA! BMA! BMA! BMA!

As soon as Grubbie gets over here and signs off on it.

One, two, three.

BMA!

Come on, honey.

Whoa, whoa.

Don't touch my woman.

Oh my God. He's such a loser.

- No hard feelings, man. - So sad.

- Whoa, whoa. - Hey, no hard feelings.

Sore loser.

Loser.

Ha ha ha! What happened, son?

He gets fucked in the ass by inmates.

Baby!

You did it.

We did it.

Congratulations.

I love you. Oh my God.

You know that man I was talking about,

the one that I knew you could be?

He's sitting right here.

I'm so proud of you.

Are you excited?

So we should have the accountants look at everything

before we decide what to do next.

That is, if you're okay with that.

I think you're right about me

and about a lot of things after all.

So does that mean you're going to hold on

to the school and the academy?

Don't forget the paint ball park.

Good.

And I know you have your heart set on running schools.

Well it would prove that I follow

through on things, really.

I think you've proven a lot already.

I'm not done yet.

So here's what I learned

at Bikini Model Academy, when you look very close,

there's no such thing as an ordinary, average girl.

The boys were right after all.

There's a hidden special beauty

inside each and every one of us.

If you just know where to look and how to find it,

deep down we're all bikini models.

Katherine.

Thank you so much.

This is a dream come true.

Scary Mary.

Ethel, what a surprise.

Good job, Scary Mary.

Plain Jane.

Got it in the end, girl. Good job.

Olga.

Aw.

Did you say Bikini Model Academy?

Yeah, yeah.

Sandy.

You've become our finest bikini model.

Congratulations, Sandy.

You are now official.

Kisses?

Oh, I love you.

- Mm. And I love you. - You've been gone too long.

Ella.

Isabelle.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Bikini Model Academy 2015 graduating class.

Yeah!

Katherine is taking over

her uncle's pig farm in Idaho.

Scary Mary is going into politics.

She's running for congress.

Plain Jane is getting contact lenses really soon.

Olga really was a Russian spy.

She was recently deported.

Sandy is keeping her day job as a waitress.

She's also a successful part time bikini model!

Ella doesn't twerk anymore.

Now she's teaching people how to twerk.

Isabelle just opened her first kale salad bar.

Franchises are available.

Sue Ellen is about to get a butt reduction.

She's now a professional life coach

in Bakersfield, California.

Coleen is living happily ever after with T.J.

in Sherman Oaks, California.

T.J. merged the schools and now

it's the Big Top Bikini Model Academy and Paint Ball Park.

And yes, sometimes they shoot at the models.

Uncle Seymour and Aunt Ethel turned T.J.'s room

into an indoor herb garden and His and Hers message parlor.

Seymour is getting a government grant to pay for it all.

Trixie is auditioning new boyfriends.

Her father, the gynecologist, is standing by.

Dixie is the best chick ever.

We're getting married in the fall.

Herbal Goddess um, Gangina, Gangeena, is doing just fine.

Um, thanks for asking.

Splendiferous and Father Tim were reintroduced

at a Catholic singles networking event.

They're now dating.

And Morgan Fairchild is...

Well, she's Morgan Fairchild.

As for me, I'm back at grad school

getting a triple PHD in plant botany,

female biology and musical theater.

As for Grub Snout, he went into the family business

and joined his mom turning tricks

under the bridge on Van Nuys Blvd.

* Struttin' up and down the catwalk every day, BMA

* And maybe some day we'll go all the way

* At the Bikini Model Academy

* Come on and watch me twist and push

* Really strut my stuff

* Show me, show me, show me

* I just can't get enough

* It's all for one, one for all

* I'm gonna be the winner, and winner takes all

* The BMA, we're gonna sashay

* Struttin' up and down the catwalk every day, BMA

* And maybe some day we'll go all the way

* At the Bikini Model Academy

* BMA BMA

* BMA BMA

* Down at BMA, BMA

* We're gonna sashay

* Struttin' up and down the catwalk every day, BMA

* And maybe some day we'll go all the way

* At the Bikini Model Academy

* BMA

* We're just gonna crank it up, crank it up

* Let's just do things a little louder

* Shine on, shine on

* Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

* I am a rebel, I am a rebel

* I am a rebel, I am a rebel

* I am a rebel, I am a rebel

* We're just gonna crank it up, crank it up

* Let's just do things a little louder

* Shine on shine on shine on

* Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

* I am a rebel, I am a rebel

* I am a rebel, I am a rebel

* I am a rebel, I am a rebel

* I am a rebel, I am a rebel

* Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

* Shine on

* I am a rebel, I am a rebel

* I am a rebel, I am a rebel