Original subtitles

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You're beautiful.

Really beautiful. It's a shame I can't keep you.

Moscow, Russia, the USSR.

With all the changes I'd been hearing about,

I decided it was someplace I really wanted to visit.

I've been here two weeks on a tour with a group.

I've seen it all, the monuments,

the Kremlin, the Bolshoi.

It's been great. It's been interesting.

But tonight's my last night

and I wanted to see some real life.

You know, the real Russia.

You know, the disco dancing, you know, and get the girls,

- beautiful girls, drink, drink, - Girls? Girls.

- Drink, drink. - Okay. You know?

You understand?

Good. Da?

Da, okay.

Disco.

I gotta get outta here.

I hate smoke. Hmm.

- And this is terrible for you. - Oh.

- Hmm. - Oh!

Hey, come on.

The lighter is disgusting.

What do you mean it's disgusting?

I think it's rather sweet.

It's rather sweet like you.

It's got little titties, like your little titties.

Let's have a look at your little titties.

Oh, come on.

- Let's have a look at you. - That's enough. Okay?

- Oh, please. - You've had enough, okay!

Come on. Come on.

You had enough.

- I haven't had anything yet. - That's enough.

Oy!

You bitch. Alright. Nyet money.

- Understand? - Fine!

Get out. Go, get out, you slut!

Piss off!

Get out! Bitch!

Yes, this is Stanley.

Well, everything went very smoothly.

Very smoothly indeed.

In fact, I have the icon in my possession right now.

I think under the circumstances,

this might be a time to renegotiate our agreement.

Yeah.

I'll give you an hour to think about it

while I have my bath.

Right.

You gotta be kidding right?

Two weeks I've been here.

What have you been eating?

Like swallowed a fish, or something.

There's the card. There's the passport, okay?

Take a good look at it

'cause I'm not gonna show it to you again.

Tired of you harassing me.

Have a breath mint or something, why don't you?

Let me pass,

it's mine. It's mine.

Hold on, hold on.

Honey, where have you been?

I've been waiting all night for you.

You gotta be kidding.

What, do you Alzheimer's or something?

I just came through here.

Honey, let me handle this. You wanna see my card?

Here you go. Here it is. Okay?

See it. You see it?

You wanna see anything else?

My phone card or something?

Wait, come on.

Go back to sleep. Go on.

Are you staying here at the hotel?

My name's Archer. What's your name?

Where you going?

- Where you heading? - What do you want?

Nothing. Not, no, no nothing.

I just thought you maybe, if you weren't doing anything,

you could show me around Russia.

The real Russia.

Huh?

The real Russia? God forbid.

What?

Huh?

War Club.

Taxi!

Jesus!

Can you drive?

I'm going that way. That, that taxi.

That taxi, follow that taxi!

Da.

War Club.

I didn't get the bag.

I know she saw me. She didn't get it.

No. No, she has the bag, I saw it.

- Is she alone? - She was with an American.

I think he's American. You never can--

Hello?

Hello?

Ah, shit.

♪ Russian vodka ♪

♪ Russian vodka ♪

♪ Russian vodka ♪

♪ Russian vodka ♪

Hi. ♪ Russian vodka ♪

♪ Russian vodka ♪

Hi!

Listen, I want, I want to apologize.

I think I gave the wrong impression back at the hotel.

- I'm sorry. - Hey, hey, hey!

American.

Yes. American.

- American. - I love Americans.

Good. - We love Americans.

Great. Hi.

He's looking for a guide to show him the real Russia.

Yes?

Did you miss me?

Yes.

I missed you so much.

Oh.

Excuse me. ♪ Russian vodka ♪

Please watch my bag. Thank you.

♪ Russian vodka ♪

Take a seat. Sit!

Uh. J-just for a minute.

Yeah. Want some whiskey?

No, thank you.

What's that?

Nice Reeboks! - Thank you.

Yeah. Thanks.

How much you sell 'em? How much you sell 'em for?

Uh, they're not for sale. Thank you.

- How much? - Really, I, I, I,

I can't, I can't part with them.

Ah, we'll work something out.

Georgi Daniov.

- Archer Sloan. - Uh, where from?

Uh, Chicago, Illinois.

Chicago?

- Chicago. - Gangsters!

Gangsters.

Capone!

Would you guys excuse me just for a moment?

It was really nice meeting the both of you.

Well, I'll, I'll, save it.

Capone.

Oh, hi.

- Is that your boyfriend? - Yeah.

I love him.

And he's jealous.

Very jealous.

With a very bad temper.

Georgi!

Come with me.

Lena!

- What? - My name, Lena.

Oh, Archer.

- You're very strange. - I'm strange?

I didn't say you were strange.

- Yes you did. - No, I didn't!

Yes, but that, that's okay. That's okay.

You're very cute.

- Okay, let's go. - Where?

Wherever I say. I'm the tour guide!

Like my car? - Yes.

Come on, your Reeboks, how much?

- Georgi. - Oh, I'd like to really,

but they're the only pair that I have.

There is an old Russian saying,

you don't buy the apples...

From the man who sells turnips!

Turnips.

W-what exactly does that mean?

Who knows?

What are you guys talking about?

It's a misunderstanding. I swear it!

No, no.

For God sake! Don't do anything rash!

Some bitch stole it from me! I swear it!

If I remember correctly,

you wanted to renegotiate the terms of our agreement.

We still have an agreement.

She's stole it from my hotel. That whore stole it from me!

You've got to believe me.

It's all right. Let him go.

That was close.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Don't stare at it.

- I wasn't staring at it. - You were staring at it.

Here we are! Welcome Capone!

Hey.

- Woo! - This is great.

This, this is Russia. You know?

This is Russian black market.

- Check out the goods. - Olives.

- Thank you. Great. - Hey.

Uh, when perestroika bombs,

the power will be in the hands of those with goods.

Uh, do they live here as well?

No, they're just friends.

Ah. Hello, hello.

- Archer. - Hello.

Georgi!

Georgi!

You make yourself comfortable. Make yourself at home.

Thank you.

- Is that your father? - Uh, no, I, ah.

- It's a roommate. - Oh.

Uh, Stalingrad. He was a doctor.

- Saw a lot of people die. - Hmm.

He still thinks it's a war.

has a dream.

That's nice. That's, that's nice, really.

- Come with me. - Okay.

Show time.

Uh, thank you very much for the olives.

- They're wonderful. - Oh, I love 'em too.

Max. Natasha.

Hey.

Wow.

This is really impressive. I'm impressed.

- Really? - Yes. This is...

That's great.

That's something I'd wear.

Hmm.

Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm.

Take off your pants. I have to measure.

Well, don't get your hopes up.

Okay.

I'll make copies and sell them for a lot of money.

Lena, are you measuring again?

Ah. Are, are these all your designs?

Yes.

Huh.

That's great.

You think so? Oh yeah.

Would American women like them?

Oh, I, I, I think they would. I do.

I will go to Paris, make loads of money

and travel all over the world

like you.

That sounds like a good plan.

Of course it takes time.

But anyway, I'll do it.

- Look at this one. - Oh, now that is,

- That is classy. - Mm.

- That's nice. - Really?

Yes. That's, that's really nice.

Feel.

How fine the fabric is. Mm.

That's, that's very fine.

H-how, how would you say the dress is beautiful in Russian?

- In Russian? - Mm-hmm.

Well.

Lena.

Da.

Why'd you bring me in here?

I'm bored. You're new.

And uh,

he's not really your boyfriend, is he?

Yes.

Hm.

I wish I had more time.

Why?

My plane leaves tomorrow.

Shoot!

What's wrong with her?

W-what's she saying?

It's not free in Chicago is what she's saying.

Relax. She wants you to leave.

She wants me to give you a ride back.

No, wait a second. I didn't a lay a hand on her.

- I'll take you home. - Is that what she's saying?

Is that what's she's saying?

Because if that's what she's saying, I didn't do it.

I'm telling you right now.

I'm telling you I didn't lay a finger on her.

Max, Natasha, thank you very much.

I didn't, I didn't touch her.

Bye, you're crazy. You're crazy.

- You're crazy! - Wait, wait, wait.

How about a bottle of [indistinct].

Thanks for a wonderful evening.

Whoa.

It's getting a little out of hand now, okay?

I've been here for two weeks.

- Card. Card. - You wanna see a card? Okay.

There's the card. Okay.

You see it now? Take a look at it, okay?

'Cause I'm not gonna show it to you again.

All right. I'm tired of this harassment.

You must listen to what I have to say.

Who the hell are you?

I saw you take the suitcase from the girl.

Yeah. So?

You must bring it back to me.

- Why? - It was stolen.

Look, I'm, I'm, I can't say I'm surprised.

I'm sorry about your bag. I can't help.

Please. Bring it back to me.

God will bless you.

I'm sorry about your bag.

I don't know this girl. I don't know anything about this.

I'm not involved.

I will call the police.

No police. Okay?

Just stay here. I'll go get the bag for you, okay?

I'll get your bag. You just stay here.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

No card, no card.

- Taxi, yes? - Yes, taxi.

- Taxi. - Yeah.

Hey!

I suppose you want a tip.

- Gee, thanks. - Ah.

Okay, here's her address.

Oh, it's you again.

Frisbee. That is not very American.

Love them. Very fun.

- What do you want? - Where's the bag?

Huh?

You can't go in there.

- No? - No. Georgi.

You think I want the KGB after me?

- What? - What?

- What KGB? - The bag. She stole it.

Now where is it? Where's that bag?

Who told you that?

You know god damn well who told me that.

That crazy guy at the hotel that you stole it from!

some stranger.

- It's private property! - Private property.

- You stole it! - It's mine!

- It's private property! - You stole it!

Georgi, it's not yours either!

Yeah, I know! It's mine!

Don't open my bags. Don't.

What could this be?

It's an icon.

Those are valuable. I've seen those.

It's not one of your average tourist icon.

- It's not real. - We will see. We'll see.

It's genuine.

- I don't think so. - I think so.

Hey, stay out of this, okay?

You understand? You understand?

You are going to get cut.

I think you're out of your mind.

You can't fool me.

You know, you want it for yourself.

And why don't we just work out a deal.

Jesus.

Georgi.

Get a doctor!

Get, get, get a doctor!

Lie down. Lie down.

You're both out of your fucking minds.

You been drinking?

No, no, no, no. Just take, take me the hotel.

Can you drive?

Can you drive?

Oh-ho, man. Just, just take it slow.

Just take it easy. Okay?

Watch the road.

Don't smoke.

Wait a second. Wait a minute.

Wait...

Wait, where, where, where are we?

Where you...

We're at some back street somewhere.

No, no, no, no. This is not the way to the hotel.

This doesn't look familiar to me.

Wait a minute. Hold on, hold on a second.

Hold on, wait. Just stop, stop the car.

No, don't stop the car.

Just take me home, please!

Get out.

What?

Get out. - Oh, come on, please.

I'm, I'm sorry I yelled, but I, I, I just wanna get home.

Give me a break!

Damn it! Ah.

Hi.

Listen, could you tell me how to get to the Hotel National?

Had a little run in with my cab driver

and he left me.

Just left me.

Don't hit me. Don't hit me.

Okay, okay, okay.

Oh, shit.

Okay, okay, okay.

- Police. - Police?

Hey, that's my bus there.

What's going, what's going on here? It's my bus!

Help!

Where's the icon?

I don't know. I-I-I've seen it.

I, I, I...

You were seen taking the bag from the prostitute.

- Prostitute? - Who do you work for?

The Mafia?

Do you speak Russian?

- No, no, I'm an American. - Well, who the fuck are you?

My name is Sloan.

My name is Archer Sloan. I'm from Chicago.

There's my passport.

I see.

And, uh, who's got the icon?

I don't know.

I, I don't know. I...

I was trying to bring it back.

I, I, I, I, I was picked up by a, by a taxi driver.

He was drunk.

And he, he, he took, took me to the outskirts of town.

And, and I was beaten up by two men.

I was beaten up and, and, and yes,

I, I, I was unconscious.

I mean, I was, I was actually unconscious.

- Completely? - Yes.

That, that's, that's never happened to me before.

And, and, and my eye.

- The eye? Yes. - It's, it's, it's,

I think it needs attention.

Stitches, maybe. I don't know.

Yes. It's terrible.

And this here. - Yes. That's a severe bruise.

- It hurts, this? - Yes, it hurts.

- This hurts, huh? - Ah!

And like this hurts?

If the Black Madonna is not returned,

you'll spend the rest of your days

in the Russian prison.

A Russian prison, huh?

You understand? Hm?

- Yes. - Ah, you understand, no?

Get it back from them and wait for me at the hotel, okay?

Get out.

Get out.

Are you going to stop the car?

My rights have been seriously violated!

I'm in pain, I've missed my fucking plane,

I've been tortured by the police, and if you look closely,

there's a small portion of my ear actually missing!

The Russian police can do as they damn well please.

Does that include throwing me from a speeding automobile?

- I doubt that, Mr. Sloan. - You doubt that? You...

Am I making this up?!

Claudia, get me Mikhail on the phone.

Gorbachev?

Are you on drugs, young man?

No.

No. Unfortunately, I am not on drugs.

I'm talking about Mikhail Seminov,

Chief of Detectives of the Moscow Police,

a close personal friend, we're having dinner.

It's busy. We'll have to try again.

No, no, no, no.

I don't have time for you to try again.

Isn't it apparent that this is

just some kind of crazy misunderstanding?

Why can't you just get me on the next plane out of here?

We have no authority outside of these walls,

and I hardly think your case is worth reactivating

the Cold War, do you, Mr. Sloan?

Claudia, check my dinner reservations at the Savoy,

- would you? - Wait a minute!

I'm an American citizen and I'm innocent.

I know nothing about this situation,

and I've been kicked in the face.

And you, you, you, you bureaucratic wimp!

All you seem to be concerned with

is your dinner reservations!

I'm sorry.

Please.

Oh God.

- Oh God. - I wish I could help you,

but I have seniority, but no rank.

It was very glasnost of the police

to give you a chance to get off.

W-what does that mean?

Well, maybe you could get the icon back.

Give it to that cop. It's worth a try.

Oh, and don't go to the airport.

You'll just end up in prison.

Tell you what, Chicago,

sounds to me like you got in the wrong taxi.

What, what, what does that mean,

"I got in the wrong taxi"?

The mafia runs a taxi racket.

Come on. The Mafia and Russia?

Yes! Russian version, we have it here.

The man is on fire.

- What? - Oy.

- Some tea? - Oh, yes.

Yes. Thank you.

Da.

Okay. We have to find this mafia.

Are you out of your mind? They're dangerous.

Okay.

I'll have to take care of this myself.

Hey! Sit down, sit down.

Speak English!

Why don't you learn Russian?

Okay.

I've got the connection with the mafia.

Don't worry, Capone,

I have everything under control.

What is your name?

You've got a face like a big white rat.

He doesn't speak English.

Look, uh, when we get wherever we're going,

I'll do the talking.

They're businessmen. I'm a businessman.

Businessman.

If you're such a great businessman,

why does Lena still have to hit the streets?

Hit the streets?

Yeah. Hit the streets. You know what I mean.

Her fashion career is very expensive.

And besides, that was her first time

and she could barely go through with it.

- That was her first time? - Yeah.

That's not so bad.

Look, you haven't got a clue what life is like here.

I've known Lena for 10 years.

She's just very unpredictable these days.

- Like the whole country. - Are you smoking?

- Mm-hmm. - Is it necessary

to smoke in here?

Oh.

Oh.

Big white rat.

He was found in the Moscow River.

I can't take this anymore.

Oh, that's disgusting.

Okay, come on.

I will show you something much more interesting.

Oh, I can't wait. Take notes, Claudia.

Mikhail, what's this got to do with the American Embassy?

We believe he was involved

in the theft of a rather precious icon.

- Icon? - Yeah.

The legendary Black Madonna of Maries.

It was thought lost for years.

Then resurface only once again to disappear.

Now what?

catch some very hungry birds.

But Stanley was British.

- Are you getting this? - Yes, Duncan.

The concierge says he saw Stanley leave the hotel

with the young American and the prostitute.

And that was the last time Stanley was seen alive.

And this is the American,

and I want him on suspicion of murder.

Oh my god.

I brought you an American businessman.

A big fish for you.

He's from Chicago. You know, Al Capone?

Don't worry.

What do you want?

Uh, my friend here--

We're looking for an icon.

It's a special icon.

Uh, I believe you found it last night.

You know, the taxi cab?

Uh, I've got the best connections in Moscow.

I can get you anything you want.

- What is she saying? - Never mind.

Just nothing.

Okay.

Tomorrow morning Constantine will meet with you.

7:30, the taxi garage.

No, no, no.

Sir, I don't have time to wait until tomorrow morning.

You find the time and you find me a fax machine.

A fax machine. A fax machine?!

A fax machine.

Are you crazy?

- I'll take care of it. - I can pay for it.

Money's not a problem.

Where are you gonna find one?

There are maybe 20 in Moscow. It's impossible.

- I-Is this true? - Yes, it's true.

Then why did you say that you could?

Because he is

Let's, let's try to, let's, let's work this out.

- Oh! - What are we doing now?

No, no, no.

No, no, no. Please.

W-We need to work this out.

We gotta work together on this.

You killed someone?

What?

What is this? That's my passport picture.

Oh no!

- Oh my God. - Archer!

Run!

Archer!

Oh my god.

Welcome to my club.

Sit!

So you've brought me the icon?

- I thought you were a cop. - It's Anton Kurilov.

He's in the black market.

Ever seen Russian cop wearing Shruti suits, hm?

I'm a businessman.

I own this place.

See? Rehearsing the new show.

Like the girls?

You know, I'm changing this entire country.

Oy, oy, Kurilov.

And you, you want to fool with me?

Try me.

I can get you anywhere,

even in your own embassy.

If you get arrested before I get that icon,

I'll have your face carved up

and flushed down the prison toilet.

What is this about you that makes me want to hurt you?

Get out. Go on.

Boccili.

Hey.

Boccili.

He's not here.

Are we gonna be safe here?

Yeah. Don't worry.

Jesus.

Don't touch anything. He's so strange.

He's a friend of mine, but he never stays here.

Listen, t-this is crazy.

I'm gonna go back to the embassy.

I'm gonna, I'm gonna talk to that woman

- who said she can help. - Hey. No, no, no, no, no.

Stay here.

You, you don't understand.

Kurilov is very well known in Moscow.

He's very bad, very dangerous man.

Okay. Oh.

You're bleeding.

Come over there.

Please, take a seat.

Take off your jacket.

We're in big trouble.

Take off your sweater.

Ah!

Oh my god.

Your face is blasted all over Moscow.

- Georgi. - Is that a fax machine

you're holding?

And the change of clothes.

While you two getting into hot water,

I'm getting us out.

I'm incredible.

This is bullshit.

Dimitri's playing with us.

The mafia does that, they play with you.

What, what are you saying,

that they're, that they're not coming?

They're not coming?

- Let's go to them. - Who?

- The mafia. - No. No.

You don't understand.

We were thrown into the back of a truck and blindfolded,

like a couple of hostages.

I followed you.

They drove around for a while, then came back here.

How the hell did you get here?

- Good work, Chicago. - Thank you.

May we please have the icon?

We don't have it.

What?

Wait a minute. Just, just wait a minute.

We never did.

Then who the hell does?!

Good question.

Oh, and I suppose you don't even know

how I got my ass kicked, huh?

Everyone knows you're on the taxis, right?

Calm down.

Obviously not all of them.

We don't have your icon.

You got a fax machine, right?

What do we get?

Your lives?

I have other connections, maybe.

Oh, I'm tired of your connections.

What about the art institute where the icon was headed?

They might have some information.

Are you crazy?

The state institute is going to help us?

To get the icon back, they might.

Do not touch anything. It's priceless.

We make replicas of icons for churches.

No one can be trusted.

What? What are you doing?

Sorry.

No damage. No damage.

Don't touch, please.

Mr. Chazov always makes time

for students like you with love for Russian art.

Okay, guys, I'll wait here outside.

This place gives me the creeps.

Georgi!

- Lena! - That's all right.

He'll be okay. He'll be okay.

You help the police investigate stolen icons?

Hmm. Yes, yes.

And you would like to find the Black Madonna?

Of course.

We have some information that might interest you.

Well, if you help us,

we'll help you catch the biggest smuggler in Moscow.

Anton Kurilov.

Kurilov?

My goodness.

It's too late.

I'm sure the Black Madonna

has been smuggled out of Russia already.

They probably thought that God would protect it.

Who?

Eh, the monks, the monks who hid it.

That guy. That guy in the hotel.

He was a monk. We gotta find that guy.

He can get us out of this.

Where was the Black Madonna originally, what church?

Oh, it's a small church.

It is out of town.

Magisk, it was in the newspaper.

Magisk.

Yes, Magisk. That's it, um.

Thank you very much for your help.

You are welcome.

Oh! Sorry, sorry.

Sorry.

Come on. We're going to Magisk.

Georgi, where is he?

I don't know! You don't know?

It's not like him.

Is, is, is he coming back?

- Maybe. - Maybe?

Maybe?

- Oh! - I can't believe this!

- Georgi! - Shit!

I don't have this time for this.

Okay, calm down!

- Calm down! - Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Where is this Magisk place?

English! English!

Um. Okay, come on, let's go!

Have you found the icon?

No, but I need to talk to you.

Come with me.

I'm being framed, Father, I need your help.

You know about Stanley, the man from the Hotel National.

The man they say I killed.

Yes, I read the newspaper today.

Somebody told the police

that they saw us leave the hotel with him.

I don't talk to police.

I'm a priest.

What a terrible business I dragged the church into.

I discovered Stanley had stolen the icon.

I go to beg him to return it.

I tried to speak to him in a hotel lobby as he was leaving.

Did you see who Stanley left with?

Two men, very angry.

The concierge

got for them a taxi.

Please, Father,

you have to go to the police and tell them this.

- I'm innocent. - No police.

It's in God's hands.

No, Father, it's in your hands.

How did you know Stanley stole the icon?

Someone sent me this letter.

Someone who has God in their heart.

Maybe it is safe?

What makes us perfectly human

is the matter of our imperfection.

That is the value of the Black Madonna.

She must be found.

Yes.

I will help you.

Come on!

Come on!

Run!

Perfect timing.

First you kill a priest and now you beat up an old man?

Kill a priest. What are you talking about?

Where's the icon?

We don't know where is it!

You're wasting your time!

Why do you always make life so complicated, Lena?

All you had to do was to steal the bag,

give it to my courier.

Was easy.

Instead you let this little blood sucking American

talk you into a better deal, huh?

Huh?

You like the girl, huh? Nice.

Hm?

Nice.

Soft skin.

Huh?

Nice tits.

Don't be so nervous.

Everything's all right. You like her.

She likes you. Marry her.

You marry her. You live here.

Have children. Huh?

Stand in line together. Have a nice future.

You want me to tell you your future?

Let me see your future, huh?

What do I see?

Uh.

It's good, eh?

And here's the heart.

You have a good heart.

Good mind.

And children.

No children.

There's good sex here. Good sex, good sex and no children.

How's this?

It's a medical problem or something?

Hmm?

Look at your lifeline.

Kurilov.

It's short.

Look, it starts here and it ends, right--

Georgi.

You want your friend back?

Get me that icon.

Be at GUM Department Store by the fountain. Seven o'clock.

No cops, huh? Just the Black Madonna.

Is Georgi in on this?

- No. - So what was that?

Your ticket out of here?

I was afraid. Okay?

Kurilov threaten to report Georgi and me

if I didn't get the icon to him.

He was getting me fabric. That's it.

All I wanted was a better life.

Better life. You're a whore!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

Oh my god.

What, what...

W-where did you find that?

I found it in the back of a cab.

The same cab that the concierges got for me

the night I was mugged.

You're, you're absolutely positive

that this is the same lighter

that belonged to the guy that they say I killed.

- What was his name? - Stanley. Of course.

Of course, I'm sure.

- You're positive. - I'm sure!

Concierge set Stanley up too.

Got me mugged and he got him killed.

I'll tell you something.

Whoever that concierge is working for has our icon.

Archer, look.

Looks like he's been replaced.

Ah. Maybe he's going on his break.

Look at this guy. Will you look at him?

He doesn't like anybody.

I'm gonna get this guy. I'm gonna get him.

Come on. We gotta follow him.

You set me up.

You got Stanley killed.

You don't work for Kurilov. Who the hell do you work for?

Okay.

Hey.

Hoo, hoo!

- Big problem. - Hey.

- Hey. - Shit!

Opa!

Big problem. Big problem.

Okay, Kurilov, you little shit.

Here we are.

You want your icon?

You're gonna play by my rules.

Okay, Lena. There he is.

Tell him, he gets the icon when we get Georgi.

Okay. Nice and easy.

No, Lena, don't push him.

What's going on? What's the matter?

What's the matter?

Shit!

No.

Shit.

Shit!

Archer!

Hey!

Hi. It's a gun.

Kurilov. Get in.

Come on.

- Move! - All right.

Go!

Come on.

Where is he?

Where's Georgi?

So what do you think of this place? Huh?

Let me guess. You own it.

You bet! It's a brick factory.

I'm rebuilding this country.

There, your wimpy friend.

- Awesome. - Georgi!

- Okay, move over there. - Now where is my icon?

Go over there.

Huh?

Where is it?

It's a fake.

Who the fuck are these guys?

When I heard that the monks were sending me an icon,

the Black Madonna, to be registered with the state,

I thought, uh, what a perfect opportunity

to add to my collection.

So many of Russia's masterpieces are smuggled

out of the country by tourists

and black market scum like you.

You are a very, very clever man, Kurilov.

How did you know? Eh?

How did you know the concierge gave a fake?

You know, my fakes are hanging in churches

all over the country.

You killed the priest.

Yes. He was, uh, your only witness.

So we are trying to blame me for this one?

If times hadn't changed,

all of you would be in labor camps or perched.

You bring ruin.

So,

now what?

A country that forgets its roots

ultimately must die.

Unfortunately,

so must you.

Oh really?

Me too?

- I smell smoke. - Smoke?

Go check it out. Go check it out!

Fire!

They were so rude to us.

I'd kill you, you nationalist pig,

but I want you to watch this place burn.

Go on, get out.

Get out! Get out, all of you!

I don't want your ashes

mixed with Russia's treasures nor mine!

Get out!

Get out!

Take it out of the country and don't blow it again.

Archer Sloan is being kicked out of Russia forever.

I am personally escorting him to the United States tomorrow.

- It's perfect. - Perfect.

I would rather wait for things to cool some more--

I have diplomatic immunity.

No one can get in this case.

No one.

Let's go.

- Archer! - Archer!

- Hey, let us say goodbye! - Wait a minute.

If you need anything, get in touch with me.

Woo!

I'll be back.

- I'll be back. - Let's go, son.

This is courier! Archer!

Archer! It's her!

Kurilov's courier!

And I hope you learned your lesson.

Number five. Claudia.

Thank you, Duncan.

You know, it's people like you

who give Americans a bad name.

Excuse me, sir, it's time for you to leave the plane now.

Hmm. Now Claudia's going to escort you.

I don't want you to let him out of your sight

till you're back in the United States.

Well.

What are you trying to say?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'll have to take your bag.

Oh, well I'd rather keep it with me. Thank you.

You must put it under your seat.

Okay. Thank you.

- Let me stow this for you. - Oh no, really, that's okay.

I'd rather keep it there. Thanks.

But there's more room over here.

I have some work to do.

Oh, no, no, no, come on--

Archer, please, I'd like to keep it under me.

- I mean, there's-- - But wouldn't it be more

comfortable over here?

Why? What are you talking about?

- Uh. - Come on.

- Uh, attendant? - Really, I insist.

What are you doing? What is this?

- What do you got in here? - Uh, listen, I'm a diplomat

and these are some documents.

- Stop the plane. - Important documents.

- Stop the plane. - What are you--

You are gonna get arrested!

Are you ready to be arrested?

Arrested? Arrested?

I've been through hell.

I was nearly killed six times in three days.

- You have to stop this plane. - Calm down.

There's a valuable icon in that bag--

There is only papers, papers!

Tell them!

Look what you've done!

Please stay in your assigned seats.

Oh sh...

He's acting up again.

I must ask you both to step off the plane.

Me too? Yes. And bring your bag.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

You know she's, she's Kurilov's courier.

- The icon is in the bag. - Oh, just relax.

I have diplomatic immunity here.

- No one is opening the bag. - Look in the bag!

- Claudia, no give me the bag. - No one needs

- to open up the bag. - Give me the bag, Claudia!

No one needs to open the bag!

Now, Claudia, there's a simple way

to explain this whole thing.

There's no icon in the bag.

Claudia.

What on earth possessed you?

Shut up, Duncan.

- Excuse me. - I feel sorry for you.

I told you to shut up.

- Truce? - Yeah, all right.

I can respect that.

- Georgi. - We're gonna miss you.

Tell that old foot soldier he's a good doctor.

Sir, you must come to the plane now!

We are leaving immediately. Please, sir.

Hey.

Hey, Archer, stop it. Stop it!

Archer, stop it!

Opa!

Last I heard,

Claudia was in Siberia or something.

Georgi opened a sporting goods store on Red Square.

Kurilov, who knows?

Probably still rebuilding the country.

Me, I'm meeting Lena this spring in Paris.

♪ I'm back in USSR ♪

♪ Don't know how lucky you are, boy ♪

♪ Back in the USSR ♪

♪ I'm back in USSR ♪

♪ Don't know how lucky you are, boy ♪

♪ Back in the U.S., back in U.S. ♪

♪ Back in USSR ♪

♪ The Ukraine girls really knock me out ♪

♪ They leave the West behind ♪

♪ The Moscow girls make me sing and shout ♪

♪ That Georgia's always on ♪

♪ My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my mind ♪

♪ Well, I'm back In the USSR ♪

♪ You don't know how lucky you are, boy ♪

♪ Back in U.S ♪

♪ Back in U.S ♪

♪ Back in USSR ♪

♪ The Ukraine girls really knock me out ♪

♪ They leave the West behind ♪

♪ The Moscow girls make me sing and shout ♪

♪ That Georgia's always on ♪

♪ My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my mind ♪

♪ I'm back In the U.S.S.R ♪

♪ You don't know how lucky you are, boy ♪

♪ Back in U.S.S.R ♪

♪ Don't how lucky you are, boy ♪

♪ I'm back in U.S.S.R ♪

♪ Don't how lucky you are, boy ♪

♪ I'm back in U.S.S.R ♪

♪ Don't how lucky you are, boy ♪