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1
00:00:01,305 --> 00:00:04,004
[rhythmic snapping]
2
00:00:06,354 --> 00:00:08,269
Better Things, all new.
Thursdays at 10:00.
3
00:00:08,312 --> 00:00:10,967
Starts February 28 on FX.
4
00:00:13,274 --> 00:00:16,451
FXX presentsYou're the Worst.
5
00:00:20,672 --> 00:00:22,674
[heavy breathing]
6
00:00:26,461 --> 00:00:28,332
Faster, Jimbo.
7
00:00:28,376 --> 00:00:30,726
That's not helping.
Talk hot.
8
00:00:30,769 --> 00:00:34,251
-Oh, my feet are so sweaty.
-There you go.
9
00:00:34,295 --> 00:00:36,688
Oh, I can't wait
to take my shoes off,
10
00:00:36,732 --> 00:00:38,081
stretch my toes apart.
11
00:00:38,125 --> 00:00:40,170
-Oh, yeah, keep going.
-Flex my arches
12
00:00:40,214 --> 00:00:42,999
back and forth, back and forth.
13
00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,435
Ooh!
14
00:00:44,479 --> 00:00:45,654
Oh, yeah.
15
00:00:45,697 --> 00:00:47,308
Give 'em a little soak.
16
00:00:47,351 --> 00:00:50,093
Oh, boy, they're so wriggly!
17
00:00:50,137 --> 00:00:52,791
[Jimmy cries out]
18
00:00:54,402 --> 00:00:55,490
Hut!
19
00:01:06,718 --> 00:01:08,372
3:44!
20
00:01:08,416 --> 00:01:10,113
-Ah!
-I think I have the bends.
21
00:01:10,157 --> 00:01:11,941
We broke our record.
22
00:01:11,984 --> 00:01:14,465
Jimmy, we could medal
in speed fucking.
23
00:01:14,509 --> 00:01:16,380
Yeah, or we could just wait
until after the reception.
24
00:01:16,424 --> 00:01:19,035
-Like people.
-Open bar, bro.
25
00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:20,558
We'll be way too
schnozzled by then.
26
00:01:20,602 --> 00:01:22,604
-Huh.
-And you have to bang
27
00:01:22,647 --> 00:01:23,692
on your wedding night.
28
00:01:23,735 --> 00:01:25,389
Like how
if you break a mirror,
29
00:01:25,433 --> 00:01:27,130
your grandmother's ghost
sees you masturbate.
30
00:01:27,174 --> 00:01:30,525
Uh...
31
00:01:30,568 --> 00:01:34,398
Can I answer any questions
about the venue?
32
00:01:34,442 --> 00:01:38,141
Did the Goodwin sisters
really get murdered here?
33
00:01:38,185 --> 00:01:41,492
Yeah. They were garroted
in the main hall.
34
00:01:41,536 --> 00:01:43,146
All three of them?
35
00:01:45,975 --> 00:01:48,586
Yeah, if you could just
give us a moment to discuss...
36
00:01:48,630 --> 00:01:49,631
We'll take it.
Take our money.
37
00:01:49,674 --> 00:01:51,328
Just take all our money!
38
00:01:51,372 --> 00:01:52,764
Okay, then.
39
00:01:52,808 --> 00:01:54,505
Uh, here's the schedule of fees.
40
00:01:54,549 --> 00:01:58,422
Just read and sign
at the bottom.
41
00:01:58,466 --> 00:02:00,859
I need someone to air out
the east annex
42
00:02:00,903 --> 00:02:02,774
and buy new towels.
43
00:02:02,818 --> 00:02:04,950
Uh, is this a prank?
44
00:02:04,994 --> 00:02:07,605
This can't be the price
for a single event.
45
00:02:07,649 --> 00:02:09,825
Just put it on a credit card.
46
00:02:09,868 --> 00:02:12,654
Here.
Oop...
47
00:02:14,308 --> 00:02:15,831
How many credit cards
do you have?
48
00:02:15,874 --> 00:02:16,832
Like, 70.
49
00:02:16,875 --> 00:02:18,529
Seventy?!
50
00:02:18,573 --> 00:02:21,315
You're, like, 50/50
with flushing the toilet.
51
00:02:21,358 --> 00:02:24,405
How do you remember to pay off
70 credit cards each month?
52
00:02:24,448 --> 00:02:27,190
[laughs]: You don't need
to pay off credit cards.
53
00:02:27,234 --> 00:02:29,105
When one stops working,
you just get another.
54
00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:32,891
Um, how much do you owe,
55
00:02:32,935 --> 00:02:35,285
like, in total?
56
00:02:35,329 --> 00:02:36,852
Who cares?
It's not real.
57
00:02:36,895 --> 00:02:38,767
It's just some numbers
on a computer somewhere.
58
00:02:38,810 --> 00:02:41,073
Why have you never told me
of your debt before?!
59
00:02:41,117 --> 00:02:43,250
Honey, it's ourdebt now.
60
00:02:43,293 --> 00:02:46,383
Oh, my God, I'm marrying
an actual child.
61
00:02:46,427 --> 00:02:47,863
Not even a skilled one.
62
00:02:47,906 --> 00:02:48,907
Just because we have
different ideas
63
00:02:48,951 --> 00:02:50,300
about personal finance
doesn't mean
64
00:02:50,344 --> 00:02:51,432
you get to patronize me.
65
00:02:51,475 --> 00:02:53,347
It does if I'm
your literal patron.
66
00:02:53,390 --> 00:02:56,480
Just lock down
the venue already.
67
00:02:56,524 --> 00:03:00,223
Ugh, I have to go hire
my replacement.
68
00:03:00,267 --> 00:03:01,572
I'm gonna make these twats
Hunger Gamesit out,
69
00:03:01,616 --> 00:03:03,313
see who wants it the most.
70
00:03:03,357 --> 00:03:06,360
Well, since that will surely
lead to your firing,
71
00:03:06,403 --> 00:03:08,884
I will whore myself out
to Hollywood for the both of us.
72
00:03:08,927 --> 00:03:11,887
Why, because you're the man?
Please, Jimmy.
73
00:03:11,930 --> 00:03:13,671
I can take care of myself.
74
00:03:13,715 --> 00:03:15,717
♪
75
00:03:20,330 --> 00:03:21,288
Which way is my job?
76
00:03:21,331 --> 00:03:22,854
Yeah.
77
00:03:24,073 --> 00:03:26,989
♪
78
00:03:28,686 --> 00:03:31,907
♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway♪
79
00:03:31,950 --> 00:03:34,083
♪ I'm gonna
leave you anyway♪
80
00:03:34,126 --> 00:03:36,259
♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway.♪
81
00:03:41,699 --> 00:03:44,136
And he's like, "I thought
you were a veterinarian."
82
00:03:44,180 --> 00:03:45,399
[laughing]
83
00:03:45,442 --> 00:03:46,965
"At least now it makes sense
84
00:03:47,009 --> 00:03:48,489
why you're cupping my balls."
85
00:03:48,532 --> 00:03:50,186
[laughing]
86
00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:52,101
"While you're down there,
I lost my keys."
87
00:03:52,144 --> 00:03:53,320
[laughing]
88
00:03:53,363 --> 00:03:55,931
-Ah, oh...
-Doug, I can't say it enough.
89
00:03:55,974 --> 00:03:58,412
Thank you for doing this
with me.
90
00:03:58,455 --> 00:04:00,283
Please, I've been dying
to collab for years.
91
00:04:00,327 --> 00:04:03,678
And thank you for
diagnosing my cat's cancer.
92
00:04:03,721 --> 00:04:05,157
I know a tumor
when I feel one.
93
00:04:05,201 --> 00:04:08,291
It was a tumor, and an important
lesson for us all.
94
00:04:08,335 --> 00:04:10,467
Get your rectum
checked regularly.
95
00:04:12,426 --> 00:04:14,732
[laughter]
96
00:04:14,776 --> 00:04:16,125
Oh.
97
00:04:16,168 --> 00:04:19,868
I thought he really had
his finger up the cat's ass.
98
00:04:19,911 --> 00:04:21,391
Let's take five.
99
00:04:21,435 --> 00:04:23,785
I'm telling you,
this show's gonna be
100
00:04:23,828 --> 00:04:26,440
a real tentpole for MetroPCS.
101
00:04:28,485 --> 00:04:30,270
Soup?
102
00:04:31,619 --> 00:04:33,447
I always carry an extra cup.
103
00:04:33,490 --> 00:04:35,362
You know what they say:
104
00:04:35,405 --> 00:04:37,886
you'll never be hungry
if you carry soup with you.
105
00:04:37,929 --> 00:04:39,888
Ah, thanks, but I'm all
souped-up. [chuckles]
106
00:04:39,931 --> 00:04:42,369
-[soup pours]
-Edgar, let me ask you something.
107
00:04:42,412 --> 00:04:43,892
What do you think about Dutch?
108
00:04:43,935 --> 00:04:46,373
Every time I work, I try
to take someone under my wing,
109
00:04:46,416 --> 00:04:49,767
like a mama bird
or a sentient airplane.
110
00:04:49,811 --> 00:04:51,595
Oh, well, that's nice.
111
00:04:51,639 --> 00:04:53,728
-What is it?
-Ah, nothing.
112
00:04:53,771 --> 00:04:55,338
It's just it seems like
Dutch is doing well.
113
00:04:55,382 --> 00:04:57,253
He's pitching,
he's contributing.
114
00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:59,821
I'm the one too intimidated
to even open my mouth.
115
00:04:59,864 --> 00:05:01,605
Yikes. I hope it's not me.
116
00:05:01,649 --> 00:05:05,348
Oh, no, no. Uh...
117
00:05:05,392 --> 00:05:08,917
My ex-partner made me question
my abilities as a writer.
118
00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:10,484
Not to mention encouraged me
119
00:05:10,527 --> 00:05:12,137
to get into a lot
of financial trouble.
120
00:05:12,181 --> 00:05:14,401
Well, that sounds just terrible.
121
00:05:14,444 --> 00:05:16,446
[slurps softly]
122
00:05:17,795 --> 00:05:21,364
I'm glad you spoke up.
123
00:05:21,408 --> 00:05:23,410
[slurps softly]
124
00:05:26,456 --> 00:05:30,982
Because I would be proud to
take you under my wing instead.
125
00:05:33,028 --> 00:05:34,856
What about Dutch?
126
00:05:34,899 --> 00:05:37,467
What about that mongoloid
ginger fucking Sasquatch?!
127
00:05:37,511 --> 00:05:38,990
Edgar, no.
128
00:05:39,034 --> 00:05:41,602
You volunteered.
129
00:05:41,645 --> 00:05:43,995
That's never happened before.
130
00:05:44,039 --> 00:05:48,609
I'm gonna focus all of my
attention on you from now on.
131
00:05:48,652 --> 00:05:52,177
And I insist.
132
00:05:52,221 --> 00:05:54,484
[singsongy]: There's five kinds
of beans in there.
133
00:05:54,528 --> 00:05:57,574
All right. [chuckles]
134
00:05:57,618 --> 00:05:59,750
[sighs]
135
00:05:59,794 --> 00:06:02,840
♪
136
00:06:15,940 --> 00:06:18,334
[marker squeaks]
137
00:06:20,902 --> 00:06:23,470
[toilet flushes]
138
00:06:26,516 --> 00:06:28,475
It was an emergency.
I had to poop.
139
00:06:28,518 --> 00:06:30,651
[laughs] A poopergency.
140
00:06:30,694 --> 00:06:33,001
Lindsay,
toilet's not for pooping.
141
00:06:33,044 --> 00:06:35,873
I can't poop at work
because of my new squeeze.
142
00:06:35,917 --> 00:06:37,832
He's the big boss.
143
00:06:37,875 --> 00:06:39,703
I thought your boss
was that fashion ho
144
00:06:39,747 --> 00:06:41,531
who wouldn't let me
nap under your desk.
145
00:06:41,575 --> 00:06:45,579
Gretchen, Priscilla is a girl.
I'm talking the real boss.
146
00:06:45,622 --> 00:06:47,232
And he's visiting
from corporate,
147
00:06:47,276 --> 00:06:49,234
so the whole building
is kind of his office.
148
00:06:49,278 --> 00:06:52,368
-Check out our wedding venue.
-Holy...
149
00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:54,022
Nice bones. Decent lighting.
150
00:06:54,065 --> 00:06:55,850
That room back there
looks like a good place
151
00:06:55,893 --> 00:06:58,243
to sneak a quick fuck in.
When can I see it?
152
00:06:58,287 --> 00:06:59,897
At the wedding.
153
00:06:59,941 --> 00:07:01,856
Gretch,
154
00:07:01,899 --> 00:07:03,597
you shouldn't be
making decisions
155
00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:05,250
without your maid of honor.
156
00:07:05,294 --> 00:07:06,600
You'll regret it.
157
00:07:06,643 --> 00:07:07,601
Are you threatening me?
158
00:07:07,644 --> 00:07:08,645
I'm just saying,
159
00:07:08,689 --> 00:07:10,952
who's gonna dab your butt sweat?
160
00:07:10,995 --> 00:07:12,954
Or hold your weave back
when you're vomming up
161
00:07:12,997 --> 00:07:15,870
a 12-pack of Sno Balls
you panic-eat before big events?
162
00:07:15,913 --> 00:07:18,699
-You?
-Or slip Xanax in your bitch mom's
163
00:07:18,742 --> 00:07:19,961
Earl Grey so she'll
164
00:07:20,004 --> 00:07:24,356
chill the fu...
[extending note] ♪ Oklahoma!♪
165
00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:26,707
What is the one thing
we don't talk about?
166
00:07:26,750 --> 00:07:27,664
Politics. Math.
167
00:07:27,708 --> 00:07:29,840
That one crow
who has it out for you.
168
00:07:29,884 --> 00:07:32,103
What happened between you
and Matthew Perry. Coachella.
169
00:07:32,147 --> 00:07:33,627
[whispering]:
Your bitch mom.
170
00:07:33,670 --> 00:07:34,932
My bitch mom.
171
00:07:34,976 --> 00:07:36,499
Sorry.
172
00:07:36,543 --> 00:07:38,675
Anyway, doesn't matter,
she won't be there.
173
00:07:38,719 --> 00:07:41,504
-Why not?
-I'm not gonna tell my mom I'm getting married.
174
00:07:41,548 --> 00:07:43,593
-Gretchen.
-If I tell her about the wedding,
175
00:07:43,637 --> 00:07:47,292
she'll get in my head and
I'll give myself a butt ulcer,
176
00:07:47,336 --> 00:07:48,946
and then when I'm puking up
stomach acid
177
00:07:48,990 --> 00:07:50,861
all over Court Seven in the
All County Mixed Doubles finals,
178
00:07:50,905 --> 00:07:52,428
it'll be my fault
179
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:55,997
for being such a total disgrace
to Grammie Gretchen's name.
180
00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:58,565
Oh, no, I can't do it.
I'm gonna kick it.
181
00:07:58,608 --> 00:07:59,696
Kick it? Till when?
182
00:07:59,740 --> 00:08:01,785
Don't know.
I've been rescheduling
183
00:08:01,829 --> 00:08:03,918
the same dentist appointment
for, like, 12 years.
184
00:08:03,961 --> 00:08:06,616
-[chuckles] Idiots.
-Gretchen.
185
00:08:06,660 --> 00:08:08,879
This isn't teeth,
this is important.
186
00:08:08,923 --> 00:08:11,665
As your maid of honor,
if you don't call your mom,
187
00:08:11,708 --> 00:08:14,189
-I'll be forced to call her.
-[gasps]
188
00:08:16,365 --> 00:08:18,715
Fine. I will call her.
189
00:08:18,759 --> 00:08:20,804
But when she destroys me
emotionally,
190
00:08:20,848 --> 00:08:22,937
your dumb ass has to pick up
the pieces.
191
00:08:30,292 --> 00:08:32,033
Ooh! You're hiring
the new Gretch today?
192
00:08:32,076 --> 00:08:34,252
Trying to.
These Post-Millennials
193
00:08:34,296 --> 00:08:36,690
with their high GPAs
and multiple internships,
194
00:08:36,733 --> 00:08:39,910
as if being smart
and working for years for free
195
00:08:39,954 --> 00:08:42,043
means you deserve an actual job.
196
00:08:42,086 --> 00:08:44,045
[laughs]
197
00:08:44,088 --> 00:08:46,830
Oh! [gags]
198
00:08:46,874 --> 00:08:49,267
[laughs]
199
00:08:53,097 --> 00:08:55,056
Edgar, you're just in time
200
00:08:55,099 --> 00:08:57,145
to help me convince
"feature people"
201
00:08:57,188 --> 00:08:58,842
that I can adapt my own novel.
202
00:08:58,886 --> 00:08:59,843
I thought you weren't
doing that.
203
00:08:59,887 --> 00:09:01,671
Yeah, well, I've come
to the realization
204
00:09:01,715 --> 00:09:04,935
that there is some value
in experiencing the same story
205
00:09:04,979 --> 00:09:07,851
in a secondary, inferior medium.
206
00:09:07,895 --> 00:09:09,592
Like when you roast
a delicious hen,
207
00:09:09,636 --> 00:09:11,725
then boil the bones
to make a soup.
208
00:09:11,768 --> 00:09:13,074
Oh, so you're doing it
for the money.
209
00:09:13,117 --> 00:09:16,381
Turns out that blockhead
Gretchen is drowning in debt,
210
00:09:16,425 --> 00:09:19,733
so I have to get to something
called Culver City
211
00:09:19,776 --> 00:09:22,823
to pitch my take on my book,
212
00:09:22,866 --> 00:09:24,302
and I need your help.
213
00:09:24,346 --> 00:09:26,653
Sure. Uh...
214
00:09:26,696 --> 00:09:29,525
pitch away.
215
00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:31,266
No, I need you to come
and pretend to be my assistant
216
00:09:31,309 --> 00:09:32,615
so I look important.
217
00:09:32,659 --> 00:09:34,095
Jimmy, I'm a writer now,
remember?
218
00:09:34,138 --> 00:09:36,097
-I'll pay you 100 bucks.
-Okay.
219
00:09:36,140 --> 00:09:39,274
My Yeezys plummeted
in value again.
220
00:09:51,460 --> 00:09:54,028
So...
221
00:09:54,071 --> 00:09:56,944
why do you want
to be a publicist?
222
00:09:58,902 --> 00:10:01,296
Actually, you made me
want to do this.
223
00:10:01,339 --> 00:10:03,820
You mediated the weirdest feud
in hip-hop.
224
00:10:03,864 --> 00:10:05,343
It's an honor to meet you.
225
00:10:05,387 --> 00:10:07,084
Aw, that's so sweet.
226
00:10:07,128 --> 00:10:09,913
-It's an honor to send you home.
-Wait, what?
227
00:10:09,957 --> 00:10:12,873
Our La Croix budget won't
cover you. You're too thirsty.
228
00:10:12,916 --> 00:10:17,704
Bam! You got Cutlered!
229
00:10:18,748 --> 00:10:20,141
Mm-mm.
230
00:10:20,184 --> 00:10:22,883
PR isn't just about
learning celeb secrets
231
00:10:22,926 --> 00:10:25,494
and stealing retinol creams
from their swag bags.
232
00:10:25,537 --> 00:10:27,061
It's about power.
233
00:10:27,104 --> 00:10:29,672
Power over celebs
and the shit they don't need,
234
00:10:29,716 --> 00:10:33,197
like retinol creams.
235
00:10:35,722 --> 00:10:39,726
Surviving the next elimination
will be much harder
236
00:10:39,769 --> 00:10:42,032
with lots of steps,
which will take many hours.
237
00:10:42,076 --> 00:10:43,512
Come on.
238
00:10:43,555 --> 00:10:46,297
Round two's at a bar.
I need to see if you can hang.
239
00:10:47,559 --> 00:10:49,170
You coming, sausage wallet?
240
00:10:49,213 --> 00:10:51,825
-Sausage wallet?
-Uh, no.
241
00:10:51,868 --> 00:10:55,176
This is obviously a test.
It's, like, 1:30.
242
00:10:55,219 --> 00:10:59,746
You're right. It is a test,
and you failed. Ciao, suck-butt.
243
00:11:02,139 --> 00:11:03,358
Don't hug her.
244
00:11:03,401 --> 00:11:06,187
She was Cutlered.
Ugh, I don't like it.
245
00:11:06,230 --> 00:11:07,971
Find me a new catchphrase
by 3:00.
246
00:11:11,018 --> 00:11:12,323
Uh...
247
00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:18,329
And as Simon runs
from the hooligans,
248
00:11:18,373 --> 00:11:21,332
he's actually running
from his own sexual awakening
249
00:11:21,376 --> 00:11:22,856
at his uncle's knee.
250
00:11:22,899 --> 00:11:24,988
But before he can
reckon with this,
251
00:11:25,032 --> 00:11:25,946
he finds himself
252
00:11:25,989 --> 00:11:27,599
in Primrose Hill,
253
00:11:27,643 --> 00:11:30,733
its gentle swells reminding him
254
00:11:30,777 --> 00:11:34,911
he has someone for whom
to survive this night-- Kitty.
255
00:11:34,955 --> 00:11:37,827
-Oh.
-Mm. Love Kitty.
256
00:11:37,871 --> 00:11:40,003
She's an incredible character.
Charming.
257
00:11:40,047 --> 00:11:42,179
-Raw. Love.
-It's her movie, really.
258
00:11:42,223 --> 00:11:43,964
Kitty's?
259
00:11:44,007 --> 00:11:46,618
She's really the perfect
protagonist for today's climate.
260
00:11:46,662 --> 00:11:48,620
Everyone is gonna
want to be Kitty.
261
00:11:48,664 --> 00:11:51,101
-Or bang Kitty.
-Consensually.
262
00:11:51,145 --> 00:11:53,016
Obviously consensually.
263
00:11:53,060 --> 00:11:54,975
-Jesus, Sheila.
-Sure.
264
00:11:55,018 --> 00:11:58,805
But to be clear,
Simon is the protagonist, so...
265
00:11:58,848 --> 00:12:00,371
Simon's running
266
00:12:00,415 --> 00:12:02,243
from the hooligans
from his past.
267
00:12:02,286 --> 00:12:04,332
I mean, certainly
we can all agree
268
00:12:04,375 --> 00:12:07,683
that Kitty is a reprehensible
character, right?
269
00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:11,252
She's immature, squalid,
untrustworthy.
270
00:12:11,295 --> 00:12:14,342
That's what we love about Kitty.
Her messiness is aspirational.
271
00:12:14,385 --> 00:12:18,999
What is? Her utter reliance
on everyone around her?
272
00:12:19,042 --> 00:12:22,567
Or the way that she bankrupts
her father's cobbler shop?
273
00:12:22,611 --> 00:12:24,352
I'm starting to feel
like you're not Team Kitty.
274
00:12:24,395 --> 00:12:26,006
I hate Kitty!
275
00:12:26,049 --> 00:12:27,790
Oh, what he means is that
he hates Kitty
276
00:12:27,834 --> 00:12:30,184
because he hates himself.
277
00:12:30,227 --> 00:12:32,273
Wrong! Love myself.
278
00:12:32,316 --> 00:12:34,275
-Hate Kitty.
-Exactly.
279
00:12:34,318 --> 00:12:36,190
It's why no one else
could write Kitty.
280
00:12:36,233 --> 00:12:37,278
And it's that same
281
00:12:37,321 --> 00:12:40,150
kind of hatred
that binds Kitty to Simon.
282
00:12:40,194 --> 00:12:43,719
And Jimmy to them both,
who are both... well, him.
283
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:45,242
Jimmy.
284
00:12:45,286 --> 00:12:46,983
-Huh.
-Hmm.
285
00:12:50,857 --> 00:12:53,773
[machine beeps, buzzes]
286
00:12:56,210 --> 00:12:57,951
It's the garter belt.
287
00:12:57,994 --> 00:13:00,170
Goddamn it, Rachel,
I told you to just stand there
288
00:13:00,214 --> 00:13:04,696
and be quiet.
I know it's the garter belt.
289
00:13:04,740 --> 00:13:05,915
Point to where you think it is.
290
00:13:08,222 --> 00:13:09,876
Yeah, that's where
I thought it was.
291
00:13:09,919 --> 00:13:11,312
[machine plays a tune]
292
00:13:11,355 --> 00:13:14,968
Nice, Rachel.
You passed the test.
293
00:13:15,011 --> 00:13:16,099
Wait, so you wanted our help?
294
00:13:16,143 --> 00:13:18,449
Shut up!
Half of PR involves
295
00:13:18,493 --> 00:13:20,016
sitting silently
next to your client,
296
00:13:20,060 --> 00:13:22,192
who will be annoyed
by the very fact of you,
297
00:13:22,236 --> 00:13:24,194
like how you breathe
too hard, Rachel.
298
00:13:24,238 --> 00:13:25,848
No one here is named Rachel.
299
00:13:25,892 --> 00:13:27,241
[clears throat]
Bad news.
300
00:13:27,284 --> 00:13:29,721
Turns out my big corporate boss
301
00:13:29,765 --> 00:13:32,115
isn't actually a boss at all.
302
00:13:32,159 --> 00:13:34,422
-He really is a janitor.
-Linds.
303
00:13:34,465 --> 00:13:36,641
Did you think the janitor
was an undercover boss?
304
00:13:36,685 --> 00:13:39,993
One of these times he has to be
an undercover boss. It's math.
305
00:13:40,036 --> 00:13:42,299
Can I set your purse down?
It's heavy.
306
00:13:42,343 --> 00:13:45,128
No. Most of PR is carrying
other people's shit around.
307
00:13:45,172 --> 00:13:47,087
Why are these basic hos here?
308
00:13:47,130 --> 00:13:48,784
[sighs]
I am being thorough.
309
00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:51,743
Goldman Sachs has
a ten-step interview process.
310
00:13:51,787 --> 00:13:53,571
Oh, does Old Man Sachs
have all those steps
311
00:13:53,615 --> 00:13:55,356
to avoid calling his mom, too?
312
00:13:55,399 --> 00:13:57,575
All right, bitches.
313
00:13:57,619 --> 00:13:59,751
New test. In PR,
314
00:13:59,795 --> 00:14:02,015
you are often asked to pull tail
for your client.
315
00:14:02,058 --> 00:14:04,278
Find Lindsay someone at this bar
she can bang
316
00:14:04,321 --> 00:14:07,150
and realistically
fall in love with.
317
00:14:07,194 --> 00:14:09,065
-But we don't know her.
-Go! -[snaps fingers]
318
00:14:11,589 --> 00:14:14,766
And while they find someone
who makes my heart horny,
319
00:14:14,810 --> 00:14:15,942
let's practice calling your mom.
320
00:14:15,985 --> 00:14:19,162
-What? No!
-[Lindsay giggles]
321
00:14:19,206 --> 00:14:23,166
[clears throat]
Ring, ring, ring.
322
00:14:23,210 --> 00:14:26,387
-Hi, Mom.
-Hello, Gretchen.
323
00:14:26,430 --> 00:14:29,390
Your father and I were just
complaining about you.
324
00:14:29,433 --> 00:14:31,479
Hi, Mommy.
325
00:14:31,522 --> 00:14:33,133
Is there a reason you called?
326
00:14:33,176 --> 00:14:35,091
Jimmy and I are getting married.
327
00:14:35,135 --> 00:14:38,138
[shudders]
Well, I'm obviously aghast,
328
00:14:38,181 --> 00:14:41,184
but someone whose sell-by date
has long since passed
329
00:14:41,228 --> 00:14:42,969
might as well grab
the first immigrant
330
00:14:43,012 --> 00:14:44,187
who needs a green card.
331
00:14:44,231 --> 00:14:46,973
Jimmy loves me
and he already has a green card.
332
00:14:47,016 --> 00:14:49,279
-I think.
-Did you schedule your Botox?
333
00:14:49,323 --> 00:14:51,847
Do it now so your face settles
before June.
334
00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:54,284
And only eat steamed fish
and veggies.
335
00:14:54,328 --> 00:14:56,112
-Mommy, I don't want to...
-Fine!
336
00:14:56,156 --> 00:14:59,594
Gallumph down the aisle a fat,
wrinkled pig for all I care.
337
00:14:59,637 --> 00:15:01,639
-I didn't say that!
-Have you just grown
338
00:15:01,683 --> 00:15:03,598
so comfortable with failure
339
00:15:03,641 --> 00:15:05,078
that you don't even
notice it anymore?
340
00:15:05,121 --> 00:15:07,384
Like how people who have
litter boxes in their house
341
00:15:07,428 --> 00:15:09,430
get used to the smell
of cat shit?
342
00:15:09,473 --> 00:15:10,779
What? No.
343
00:15:10,822 --> 00:15:12,824
At least you'll be
his burden now.
344
00:15:12,868 --> 00:15:14,174
-I hate you! I hate you!
-You've been nothing...
345
00:15:14,217 --> 00:15:15,827
-I hate you!
-...but dead weight since
346
00:15:15,871 --> 00:15:17,655
the day they cut you
out of my uterus!
347
00:15:17,699 --> 00:15:19,353
Lindsay!
348
00:15:19,396 --> 00:15:21,877
Oh, that's right,
run to the bottle.
349
00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:24,880
I hung up on you.
You can't see what I'm doing.
350
00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:28,623
Ugh. Time!
Bring it in, bitches!
351
00:15:30,277 --> 00:15:32,844
You didn't specify a time limit.
352
00:15:32,888 --> 00:15:34,063
Oh, well, you're Cutlered.
353
00:15:35,195 --> 00:15:37,240
-Yes? No?
-Mm.
354
00:15:37,284 --> 00:15:39,851
[sighs]
All right, Linds.
355
00:15:39,895 --> 00:15:41,636
Which guy?
356
00:15:41,679 --> 00:15:43,551
Neither. This is who they pick?
357
00:15:43,594 --> 00:15:45,901
A wizard? Pocket shorts?
358
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:48,208
Hard pass.
359
00:15:48,251 --> 00:15:49,600
You're both Cutlered!
360
00:15:49,644 --> 00:15:52,560
Oh, it works.
You just have to attack it.
361
00:15:52,603 --> 00:15:55,389
Thanks for no help
with that, dummies.
362
00:15:55,432 --> 00:15:59,001
Call your mom. Do it.
363
00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:11,579
Um, just wondering how much
longer the interview is?
364
00:16:11,622 --> 00:16:14,669
Oh, the real interview
hasn't even started yet.
365
00:16:14,712 --> 00:16:16,932
Lightning round.
366
00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:19,717
Let's Coyote Uglythis bitch!
367
00:16:19,761 --> 00:16:22,546
♪
368
00:16:26,942 --> 00:16:28,944
[quiet, indistinct chatter]
369
00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:33,122
♪
370
00:16:43,306 --> 00:16:45,004
♪
371
00:16:49,747 --> 00:16:50,966
[grunts]
372
00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:52,446
[sirens wailing]
373
00:16:52,489 --> 00:16:54,100
[indistinct shouting]
374
00:16:54,143 --> 00:16:55,753
MAN:
I'm gonna kill you!
375
00:17:03,718 --> 00:17:05,589
Get her!
376
00:17:08,549 --> 00:17:10,246
[retching]
377
00:17:10,290 --> 00:17:13,206
Should we just go?
378
00:17:13,249 --> 00:17:15,121
Is that what they taught you
at Mount Holyoke? To quit?
379
00:17:15,164 --> 00:17:16,252
You know where I went to school?
380
00:17:16,296 --> 00:17:18,254
I know about all of you--
381
00:17:18,298 --> 00:17:21,475
about Thirsty's internship
at Dentsu.
382
00:17:21,518 --> 00:17:23,564
About how No Drinks
went to Duke.
383
00:17:23,607 --> 00:17:25,566
I know all about
your special skills
384
00:17:25,609 --> 00:17:27,307
and all the languages you speak,
385
00:17:27,350 --> 00:17:30,527
and all the hobbies you think
make you sound interesting.
386
00:17:30,571 --> 00:17:33,878
Bouldering.
Indoor cycling.
387
00:17:33,922 --> 00:17:37,099
Who stays in Girl Scouts
through high school, Debbie?
388
00:17:37,143 --> 00:17:39,536
Don't listen to her.
She's a psychopath.
389
00:17:39,580 --> 00:17:41,756
So all of this was
part of the interview?
390
00:17:41,799 --> 00:17:43,366
The singing, the fighting,
391
00:17:43,410 --> 00:17:44,672
the making out
with the random guy?
392
00:17:44,715 --> 00:17:47,370
Yes! Wait, that was a guy?
393
00:17:47,414 --> 00:17:50,591
[gasps] Oh, goddamn it,
he had such soft lips.
394
00:17:50,634 --> 00:17:54,247
[sniffs] Your clients
will be terrible people
395
00:17:54,290 --> 00:17:55,770
with no impulse control.
396
00:17:55,813 --> 00:17:58,338
Musicians are babies
who will shit all over you
397
00:17:58,381 --> 00:17:59,904
and laugh about it.
398
00:17:59,948 --> 00:18:01,297
So you're not actually drunk?
399
00:18:01,341 --> 00:18:05,345
I am completely sober.
[laughs]
400
00:18:05,388 --> 00:18:08,565
Fooled you, Rachel.
401
00:18:08,609 --> 00:18:11,960
[softly]:
Cutlered.
402
00:18:19,620 --> 00:18:21,839
What a sham.
They trick me
403
00:18:21,883 --> 00:18:25,365
into describing
how to adapt my work
404
00:18:25,408 --> 00:18:28,498
just so they can pass my clear
roadmap along to some hack
405
00:18:28,542 --> 00:18:31,501
who will strip away
all the heady eroticism
406
00:18:31,545 --> 00:18:34,939
and write a film about
a quirky girl named Kitty.
407
00:18:34,983 --> 00:18:36,332
You don't know
that you didn't get the job.
408
00:18:36,376 --> 00:18:39,814
They said "Good stuff,"
at the end.
409
00:18:39,857 --> 00:18:41,729
You think someone who'd been
rejected as often as you
410
00:18:41,772 --> 00:18:43,383
-would recognize
when it happens. -[phone chimes]
411
00:18:43,426 --> 00:18:46,995
Oh, crap. I have to go in
for a late-night writing sesh.
412
00:18:47,038 --> 00:18:51,217
Hey, did I tell you I'm under
Paul F. Tompkins's wing now?
413
00:18:51,260 --> 00:18:52,435
Well, at least you know where
414
00:18:52,479 --> 00:18:53,654
your next paycheck's
coming from.
415
00:18:53,697 --> 00:18:55,351
God knows when the first payment
416
00:18:55,395 --> 00:18:58,833
for my next book comes in,
or the royalties on Width.
417
00:18:58,876 --> 00:19:01,836
And whilst I wait, I'll have
to default on my mortgage,
418
00:19:01,879 --> 00:19:04,186
sell my resplendent hot rod...
419
00:19:04,230 --> 00:19:05,274
I don't think it's been
street legal
420
00:19:05,318 --> 00:19:06,667
since Gretchen set it on fire.
421
00:19:06,710 --> 00:19:09,452
And then marry that self-same
pyromaniacal redhead
422
00:19:09,496 --> 00:19:11,237
somewhere cheap and disgusting,
423
00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:15,241
like Reno
or some botanical garden.
424
00:19:15,284 --> 00:19:17,243
I still think
you're gonna get it.
425
00:19:17,286 --> 00:19:19,636
If they were to give me the job,
it would probably
426
00:19:19,680 --> 00:19:22,900
only be because of your
offensive yet succinct
427
00:19:22,944 --> 00:19:27,296
oversimplification
of my sweeping epic.
428
00:19:27,340 --> 00:19:29,037
Thanks.
429
00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:31,082
[phone rings]
430
00:19:35,957 --> 00:19:37,959
Yes.
431
00:19:41,310 --> 00:19:44,313
All right. Fine.
432
00:19:47,534 --> 00:19:49,492
I'm sorry, Jimmy.
433
00:19:49,536 --> 00:19:52,365
-I got it.
-What? Seriously?
434
00:19:52,408 --> 00:19:54,715
-That's amazing.
-Do you know what this means?
435
00:19:54,758 --> 00:19:56,020
You don't have
to worry about money.
436
00:19:56,064 --> 00:19:57,761
I have to write a screenplay.
437
00:20:01,330 --> 00:20:03,027
That's good.
438
00:20:03,071 --> 00:20:05,334
Remember your soup metaphor?
439
00:20:05,378 --> 00:20:07,597
Soup? Soup isn't food.
440
00:20:07,641 --> 00:20:10,905
It's just bone water.
Seriously, Edgar.
441
00:20:10,948 --> 00:20:13,429
All you had to do
was just sit there
442
00:20:13,473 --> 00:20:16,215
and keep your mouth shut.
443
00:20:25,398 --> 00:20:26,964
Aw, shit.
444
00:20:27,008 --> 00:20:29,097
Oh, did we bang?
445
00:20:29,140 --> 00:20:32,143
How was it?
Did I do anything weird?
446
00:20:34,450 --> 00:20:36,409
What happened to Rachel?
447
00:20:36,452 --> 00:20:37,453
She had to feed her cat.
448
00:20:44,808 --> 00:20:46,767
Did you do all this?
449
00:20:46,810 --> 00:20:48,769
I like to stay busy.
450
00:20:48,812 --> 00:20:51,511
I think I figured out
what the last test is.
451
00:20:51,554 --> 00:20:53,774
Are you really afraid
of what your mom
452
00:20:53,817 --> 00:20:55,341
will think
about you getting married,
453
00:20:55,384 --> 00:20:58,082
or are you actually afraid
of what you think?
454
00:20:58,126 --> 00:20:59,345
You don't know my mother.
455
00:20:59,388 --> 00:21:01,129
She withheld food, human touch
456
00:21:01,172 --> 00:21:03,566
and Breyer model horses
to control me.
457
00:21:03,610 --> 00:21:04,959
After seeing what you put
yourself through today,
458
00:21:05,002 --> 00:21:06,526
I think you can handle it.
459
00:21:06,569 --> 00:21:08,136
Whatever she says.
460
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:18,581
Hi. Sorry it's so late. I...
461
00:21:19,930 --> 00:21:22,759
Mommy, I have some big news.
462
00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:28,548
DOUG:
What if we switch it up
463
00:21:28,591 --> 00:21:30,680
and make her the doctor?
464
00:21:30,724 --> 00:21:33,509
Yes. I love male nurses.
465
00:21:33,553 --> 00:21:36,469
But I hate how they never
ask doctors for directions.
466
00:21:36,512 --> 00:21:38,601
[laughter]
467
00:21:38,645 --> 00:21:40,821
Yeah, they're real
Florence Nightinmales.
468
00:21:40,864 --> 00:21:42,475
[laughter]
469
00:21:42,518 --> 00:21:44,477
There's our title.
470
00:21:44,520 --> 00:21:46,479
Where has this
Edgar been hiding?
471
00:21:46,522 --> 00:21:48,611
-Right here.
-DUTCH: You got to sing out more, man.
472
00:21:48,655 --> 00:21:51,571
I don't think we're gonna
be able to top that.
473
00:21:51,614 --> 00:21:54,008
Hey, Edgar, you want to take
the rest of the sandwiches home?
474
00:21:54,051 --> 00:21:55,749
Oh, man, my roommates
don't like when I take up
475
00:21:55,792 --> 00:21:57,490
too much of the fridge.
476
00:21:57,533 --> 00:22:02,364
Oh, man. I... I really hate
to see food get wasted.
477
00:22:02,408 --> 00:22:03,800
Edgar, I tell you what.
478
00:22:03,844 --> 00:22:07,500
I'll pay you a thousand dollars
479
00:22:07,543 --> 00:22:10,285
to eat the rest of these
sandwiches right now.
480
00:22:10,329 --> 00:22:11,547
[scoffs]
481
00:22:11,591 --> 00:22:14,202
What do you say?
482
00:22:23,254 --> 00:22:25,735
Hell yeah, Edgar. You got this.
483
00:22:25,779 --> 00:22:28,477
I love watching people eat food.
484
00:22:28,521 --> 00:22:30,261
Now the minute you feel sick or
even a little bit uncomfortable,
485
00:22:30,305 --> 00:22:32,786
you can stop, we won't
think any less of you.
486
00:22:34,657 --> 00:22:36,093
[mouthing]
487
00:22:36,137 --> 00:22:38,444
Sandwich number one.
488
00:22:40,489 --> 00:22:44,188
So...
489
00:22:44,232 --> 00:22:45,755
did you find a new you?
490
00:22:45,799 --> 00:22:48,105
Nah. None of them
really stood out.
491
00:22:48,149 --> 00:22:49,629
But Lindsay pulled a Lindsay
492
00:22:49,672 --> 00:22:52,501
and boned a janitor,
so I'm gonna hire her.
493
00:22:52,545 --> 00:22:55,199
She's feeling pretty low.
What'd you do today?
494
00:22:55,243 --> 00:22:59,465
Eh, nothing. Just became
a professional screenwriter.
495
00:22:59,508 --> 00:23:02,337
And locked down
our wedding venue.
496
00:23:02,381 --> 00:23:03,991
[shrieks]
497
00:23:04,034 --> 00:23:07,429
You whored yourself out for us.
498
00:23:07,473 --> 00:23:08,909
Aw.
499
00:23:08,952 --> 00:23:10,911
I'm so lucky.
500
00:23:10,954 --> 00:23:12,913
I can't wait to marry you.
501
00:23:12,956 --> 00:23:14,567
I love you so much.
502
00:23:14,610 --> 00:23:17,657
You've been mixing
off-brand cough syrups again.
503
00:23:17,700 --> 00:23:21,312
No, Jimmy.
I called my mom.
504
00:23:21,356 --> 00:23:23,489
-Oh, boy.
-No, it was good.
505
00:23:23,532 --> 00:23:25,708
It was, like, really good.
506
00:23:25,752 --> 00:23:27,928
We've never had
a conversation like that.
507
00:23:27,971 --> 00:23:32,933
We laughed, we bonded, she told
me about her menopausal dryness.
508
00:23:32,976 --> 00:23:34,717
I even told her
about the wedding.
509
00:23:34,761 --> 00:23:36,676
She didn't say anything shitty.
510
00:23:36,719 --> 00:23:39,548
She was just happy for me.
511
00:23:39,592 --> 00:23:40,941
Seriously? That's it?
512
00:23:40,984 --> 00:23:42,508
She didn't trick you
into having the wedding
513
00:23:42,551 --> 00:23:44,248
in Missouri or anything?
514
00:23:44,292 --> 00:23:45,728
Nope.
515
00:23:45,772 --> 00:23:47,730
Aw.
516
00:23:47,774 --> 00:23:50,298
Well, I'm proud of you
for calling your parents.
517
00:23:50,341 --> 00:23:53,562
That was shockingly mature
of you.
518
00:23:53,606 --> 00:23:55,346
-Thank you.
-Hmm.
519
00:23:55,390 --> 00:23:56,609
They think I'm marrying Boone.
520
00:23:56,652 --> 00:23:58,959
-And there it is.
-Good night.
521
00:23:59,002 --> 00:24:01,744
♪ There she goes♪
522
00:24:01,788 --> 00:24:04,747
♪ There
she goes♪
523
00:24:04,791 --> 00:24:08,272
♪ There goes my baby,
there she goes♪
524
00:24:08,316 --> 00:24:11,275
♪ She's so wild♪
525
00:24:11,319 --> 00:24:12,494
♪ Wild♪
526
00:24:12,538 --> 00:24:14,496
♪ She's so wild♪
527
00:24:14,540 --> 00:24:17,499
♪ Wild♪
528
00:24:17,543 --> 00:24:21,111
♪ Wishful thinking's
got me blinded♪
529
00:24:23,549 --> 00:24:27,857
♪ Got me losing all control...♪
530
00:24:27,901 --> 00:24:31,121
[dog barks]
531
00:24:33,907 --> 00:24:35,822
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
532
00:24:38,694 --> 00:24:41,741
-We're not having a wedding.
-We're eloping, suckas!
533
00:24:41,784 --> 00:24:44,613
[gasps]
It's like Inceptionfor pooping.
534
00:24:44,657 --> 00:24:46,006
-[muffled screaming]
-[chiming]
535
00:24:47,442 --> 00:24:48,574
[screaming]
536
00:24:48,617 --> 00:24:50,619
ANNOUNCER: You're the Worst. The final season.
537
00:24:50,663 --> 00:24:52,621
All new. Wednesdays at 10:00 only on FXX.
538
00:24:55,494 --> 00:24:58,758
MAN [on radio, reggae]:
♪ Don't run away from reality♪
539
00:24:58,801 --> 00:25:01,587
♪ Don't run away♪
540
00:25:01,630 --> 00:25:04,764
♪ Stay and face the fight♪
541
00:25:04,807 --> 00:25:06,722
[instrumental continues]
542
00:25:09,725 --> 00:25:11,814
Better Things. All new.
Thursdays at 10:00.
543
00:25:11,858 --> 00:25:14,469
Starts February 28 on FX.
544
00:25:14,519 --> 00:25:19,069
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
39264
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