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1
00:00:00,934 --> 00:00:04,004
(rhythmic snapping)
2
00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:08,209
Better Things, all new.
Thursdays at 10:00.
3
00:00:08,242 --> 00:00:10,711
Starts February 28 on FX.
4
00:00:13,214 --> 00:00:16,317
FXX presents You're the Worst.
5
00:00:18,852 --> 00:00:21,055
* Hey, girl, with the boots on,
how 'bout you come this way *
6
00:00:21,089 --> 00:00:23,691
* So we can do something,
I looked all around the spot *
7
00:00:23,724 --> 00:00:25,659
* There's some cool ones *
8
00:00:25,693 --> 00:00:27,928
* But ain't nobody more
beautiful than you, hon *
9
00:00:27,961 --> 00:00:29,997
* Come on, dance with me,
baby girl, move something *
10
00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:32,266
* Baby, we can get it in
like a shoehorn *
11
00:00:32,300 --> 00:00:34,935
* Oh! *
12
00:00:34,968 --> 00:00:37,738
GRETCHEN:
I think I follow too many porn sites.
13
00:00:37,771 --> 00:00:39,673
-JIMMY:
How many do you follow? -So many.
14
00:00:39,707 --> 00:00:41,275
But I'm paranoid if I cut one,
15
00:00:41,309 --> 00:00:42,910
I'm gonna miss out
on some really good stuff.
16
00:00:42,943 --> 00:00:44,178
Well, then don't unfollow any.
17
00:00:44,212 --> 00:00:45,713
But every time
I pick up my phone,
18
00:00:45,746 --> 00:00:47,748
it takes me, like, an hour
to scroll through everything.
19
00:00:47,781 --> 00:00:50,618
Longer if I get all horned up
in the middle.
20
00:00:50,651 --> 00:00:53,087
Yeah... No, actually,
it sounds like
21
00:00:53,121 --> 00:00:58,025
you're in a terrible dilemma,
about which I empathize fully.
22
00:00:58,058 --> 00:01:00,027
Aw, thanks, Jimmy.
23
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:02,062
You see, I didn't try to fix
your problem, I just empathized,
24
00:01:02,096 --> 00:01:03,897
like you taught me, like a girl.
25
00:01:03,931 --> 00:01:05,766
I appreciate that.
I feel very heard.
26
00:01:05,799 --> 00:01:07,635
-Hmm.
-Now fix my problem.
27
00:01:07,668 --> 00:01:09,103
EDGAR:
So, hey.
28
00:01:09,137 --> 00:01:10,938
You know how you guys have been
visiting wedding planners,
29
00:01:10,971 --> 00:01:13,040
and no one's lived up
to your standards?
30
00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:14,875
-We think we know why.
-Because we've been
31
00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:17,211
lying to them
for our own amusement?
32
00:01:17,245 --> 00:01:21,249
Great work, Eugène François
Vidocq, first private detective
33
00:01:21,282 --> 00:01:23,317
-and father
of modern criminology. -(pounds table)
34
00:01:23,351 --> 00:01:25,453
Jimmy, please!
We're talking.
35
00:01:25,486 --> 00:01:29,390
It's because
they don't know you.
36
00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:31,925
Because we've been lying
to them.
37
00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:34,995
Really, Edgar, what part of...?
38
00:01:36,664 --> 00:01:37,798
(Edgar clears throat)
39
00:01:37,831 --> 00:01:40,100
Who better to plan
the most important day
40
00:01:40,134 --> 00:01:44,272
of your lives than the two most
important people in your lives?
41
00:01:44,305 --> 00:01:46,807
LINDSAY: So, first of all,
we were thinking something like
42
00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:49,343
August 7... think about it:
43
00:01:49,377 --> 00:01:51,945
midpoint of summer,
clear of any holidays.
44
00:01:51,979 --> 00:01:53,614
9/11 is just around the corner.
45
00:01:53,647 --> 00:01:55,583
Isn't August 7 your birthday?
46
00:01:55,616 --> 00:01:59,019
I know it's Charlize Theron's.
47
00:01:59,052 --> 00:02:02,656
Huh! Weird, it's mine, too.
(giggles)
48
00:02:02,690 --> 00:02:06,527
Spitballing here--
what if we combine celebrations?
49
00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:08,562
There's not going to be
a wedding.
50
00:02:12,065 --> 00:02:13,867
-What?! No.
-This is your natural goddamn end point
51
00:02:13,901 --> 00:02:15,503
-we're working toward here...
-You guys cannot break up again.
52
00:02:15,536 --> 00:02:17,371
It's like we keep doing
the same thing over and over,
53
00:02:17,405 --> 00:02:18,472
and it's too much for my heart.
54
00:02:18,506 --> 00:02:20,107
You're like two ruined ladies
from the past...
55
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:22,210
You're the pin in my grenade,
and you do not want
56
00:02:22,243 --> 00:02:23,811
-to pull that pin!
-...so close to having the birthday of my dreams.
57
00:02:23,844 --> 00:02:25,779
Oh, my God, shut up.
58
00:02:25,813 --> 00:02:29,350
Look, we're getting married,
we're just not having a wedding.
59
00:02:29,383 --> 00:02:32,220
In, like... (gasps) ten hours.
60
00:02:33,721 --> 00:02:36,457
We're eloping, suckas!
61
00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:39,660
Wasting hella time with those
bunk-ass wedding planners
62
00:02:39,693 --> 00:02:41,795
made us realize we can just walk
right into the courthouse
63
00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:44,465
and do this damn thing like
we're paying a parking ticket.
64
00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:47,034
Oh, but that reminds me, I have,
like, 20 parking tickets to pay.
65
00:02:47,067 --> 00:02:50,838
(sighs) Well, let's bring them.
Where are they?
66
00:02:50,871 --> 00:02:52,039
(grunts "I don't know")
67
00:02:52,072 --> 00:02:55,976
I can't believe
this is happening.
68
00:02:56,009 --> 00:03:00,147
Come on, let's go lay down.
69
00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:02,082
So, what you up to today,
70
00:03:02,115 --> 00:03:04,151
besides locking yourself down
a hunk?
71
00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:06,487
Coffee, e-mail...
might try to squeeze in
72
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:08,055
a little nap before lunch. You?
73
00:03:08,088 --> 00:03:10,358
Oh, I've got my first meeting
for the movie adaptation
74
00:03:10,391 --> 00:03:11,759
of The Width of a Peach.
75
00:03:11,792 --> 00:03:15,263
So, I have to drive to the west
side, which is a whole thing.
76
00:03:15,296 --> 00:03:17,097
Ugh. Eat dicks, west.
77
00:03:17,130 --> 00:03:21,201
Oh, um... this came
in the post for you.
78
00:03:21,235 --> 00:03:26,374
Well, I am off. I shall return
a much maligned Hollywood elite.
79
00:03:26,407 --> 00:03:28,376
I'll see you at 4:30.
80
00:03:28,409 --> 00:03:29,777
Oh, we'll be right by
the two-dollar theater.
81
00:03:29,810 --> 00:03:31,211
They're showing
that Liam Neeson zeppelin movie.
82
00:03:31,245 --> 00:03:33,180
(gruffly):
He wasn't asking for trouble.
83
00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:35,316
Trouble found him.
84
00:03:38,151 --> 00:03:40,554
(door opens, closes)
85
00:03:40,588 --> 00:03:42,590
*
86
00:03:47,395 --> 00:03:50,598
* I'm gonna leave you anyway *
87
00:03:50,631 --> 00:03:53,634
* I'm gonna
leave you anyway *
88
00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:55,102
* I'm gonna leave you anyway. *
89
00:04:00,341 --> 00:04:02,343
(indistinct chatter)
90
00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:07,915
(indistinct radio transmission)
91
00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:14,888
Sir...
92
00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:16,624
(continues indistinctly)
93
00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:24,332
It's finally happening.
94
00:04:33,674 --> 00:04:35,443
Called it, I called it!
95
00:04:35,476 --> 00:04:37,678
It's mine. I called it.
96
00:04:37,711 --> 00:04:39,347
(laughs)
97
00:04:39,380 --> 00:04:42,049
(hums)
98
00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:47,355
Hot, hot, not.
99
00:04:47,388 --> 00:04:50,324
-Maybe without the braces.
-LINDSAY: Gretch?
100
00:04:50,358 --> 00:04:54,928
Has your office gotten bigger
or have I gotten smaller?
101
00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:57,030
Neither. I have had my eye
on this office for years,
102
00:04:57,064 --> 00:05:00,033
so I took advantage
of the current cultural climate
103
00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:02,370
and enacted
some personal reparations
104
00:05:02,403 --> 00:05:03,971
on behalf of women everywhere.
105
00:05:04,004 --> 00:05:05,606
You "Me Too-ed" a dude
for his office?
106
00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:09,377
You know it!
And here's the best part.
107
00:05:09,410 --> 00:05:12,346
(gasps)
Holy shit.
108
00:05:12,380 --> 00:05:14,882
A bathroom in an office?
109
00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:17,351
It's like Inception for pooping.
110
00:05:17,385 --> 00:05:20,354
(gasps) Oh, and it has one
of those fancy Japanese toilets
111
00:05:20,388 --> 00:05:23,223
that washes your butt
when you forget how to wipe.
112
00:05:23,256 --> 00:05:24,525
-Ah!
-But, but...
113
00:05:24,558 --> 00:05:26,794
Prima nocta, bitch.
114
00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:28,429
I break him in.
115
00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:38,406
-So, what's up?
-(sighs)
116
00:05:38,439 --> 00:05:41,375
I really think you're going
to regret not having a wedding.
117
00:05:41,409 --> 00:05:43,210
Oh, my God, Lindsay.
118
00:05:43,243 --> 00:05:45,379
Just rent out a Chuck E. Cheese
or something.
119
00:05:45,413 --> 00:05:47,347
This isn't about
our birthday/wedding.
120
00:05:47,381 --> 00:05:51,184
I just wanted to tell you
marriage is hard.
121
00:05:51,218 --> 00:05:53,754
Your wedding day
is the one day it's fun.
122
00:05:53,787 --> 00:05:56,824
Seriously, it's all downhill
after the wedding.
123
00:05:56,857 --> 00:05:58,392
That's just gravity.
124
00:05:58,426 --> 00:06:00,394
You're gonna go against gravity?
(snickers)
125
00:06:00,428 --> 00:06:02,396
I don't think so,
Sandra Bullock,
126
00:06:02,430 --> 00:06:04,498
star of the hit film Gravity.
127
00:06:04,532 --> 00:06:06,567
-What?
-I want a party!
128
00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:07,735
Lindsay, stop.
129
00:06:07,768 --> 00:06:10,237
Eloping is fine
because the point
130
00:06:10,270 --> 00:06:12,272
is being hitched,
not getting hitched,
131
00:06:12,305 --> 00:06:15,208
and if you'd ever actually
been in love, you'd know that.
132
00:06:15,242 --> 00:06:17,044
(scoffs)
Why-why would you say that?
133
00:06:17,077 --> 00:06:18,412
Because when you divorced Paul,
134
00:06:18,446 --> 00:06:20,581
you told me
you'd never been in love.
135
00:06:20,614 --> 00:06:24,452
Okay, whatever.
136
00:06:24,485 --> 00:06:26,186
I have to go to day work.
137
00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:28,422
You forgot your dry cleaning.
138
00:06:28,456 --> 00:06:30,190
It's not my dry cleaning.
139
00:06:30,223 --> 00:06:33,026
It's actually a wedding dress
I stole for you from work.
140
00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:35,463
I brought it in case
you didn't want to look shitty
141
00:06:35,496 --> 00:06:37,731
at your fake-ass non-wedding.
142
00:06:41,935 --> 00:06:45,238
-Gretchen?
-I called it!
143
00:06:45,272 --> 00:06:50,077
No, we just wanted to thank you
for speaking out about Ryan.
144
00:06:50,110 --> 00:06:54,648
Ryan? Wait. This guy?
145
00:06:54,682 --> 00:06:56,283
He really was a harasser?
146
00:06:56,316 --> 00:06:59,587
U-Um, yeah.
147
00:06:59,620 --> 00:07:03,256
Anyway, thanks. You're a hero.
148
00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:08,295
I am a hero.
149
00:07:10,297 --> 00:07:12,466
(laughter)
150
00:07:12,500 --> 00:07:14,468
We're just so excited, Jimmy.
151
00:07:14,502 --> 00:07:17,571
I still can't believe that my
book is being made into a movie.
152
00:07:17,605 --> 00:07:19,573
-(chuckles)
-Well, believe it.
153
00:07:19,607 --> 00:07:22,576
Oh, I absolutely believe it.
I was being folksy.
154
00:07:22,610 --> 00:07:24,444
This thing is getting
great reads all over town.
155
00:07:24,478 --> 00:07:25,813
We're starting to hear
takes next week.
156
00:07:25,846 --> 00:07:27,681
Takes? Oh, brilliant.
157
00:07:27,715 --> 00:07:30,017
And obviously, we'll run
the screenwriter by you,
158
00:07:30,050 --> 00:07:31,418
as a courtesy, you know.
159
00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:32,686
SHEILA:
Thank you so much for stopping by.
160
00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:34,955
And if you have any suggestions,
161
00:07:34,988 --> 00:07:36,790
we definitely want you
to feel heard.
162
00:07:36,824 --> 00:07:39,326
Wait, why would you
hire someone else
163
00:07:39,359 --> 00:07:41,595
to write the movie of my book?
164
00:07:41,629 --> 00:07:45,599
Uh... (laughs)
165
00:07:45,633 --> 00:07:47,668
Great, you want to throw
your hat in the ring?
166
00:07:47,701 --> 00:07:48,669
That's fantastic.
167
00:07:48,702 --> 00:07:50,103
-Uh...
-DAN: Yeah.
168
00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:52,840
Why don't you come back in once
you've nailed down your take?
169
00:07:52,873 --> 00:07:54,274
-MAN: Dan.
-Okay?
170
00:07:54,307 --> 00:07:56,309
-Ooh, sorry, guys, I got to run.
-Ooh.
171
00:07:56,343 --> 00:07:58,111
Great seeing you, Jim.
172
00:07:58,145 --> 00:08:02,950
Uh, that must be that,
uh, big 1:00 meeting.
173
00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:05,418
I really should...
174
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:21,501
What's a take?
175
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:29,910
(groans) Stubborn bitch
is being such a stubborn bitch.
176
00:08:29,943 --> 00:08:31,178
She doesn't deserve that toilet.
177
00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:32,580
Lindsay, you're-you're
hurting my...
178
00:08:32,613 --> 00:08:34,514
She said I've never been
in love.
179
00:08:34,548 --> 00:08:36,149
How dare she criticize
my love life
180
00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:37,585
when she's eloping like a poor?
181
00:08:37,618 --> 00:08:38,886
This is bad, Lindsay.
Think about it.
182
00:08:38,919 --> 00:08:40,921
If they're cutting us
out of this, what's next?
183
00:08:40,954 --> 00:08:42,155
-Vacations?
-Dog adoptions.
184
00:08:42,189 --> 00:08:43,356
-Babies?
-Shopping montages.
185
00:08:43,390 --> 00:08:45,225
-Funerals?
-That dress was our last hope,
186
00:08:45,258 --> 00:08:46,560
and she didn't even look at it.
187
00:08:46,594 --> 00:08:48,729
Oh, this elopement
is a slippery slope.
188
00:08:48,762 --> 00:08:50,664
And we're sliding, Lindsay,
we're sliding fast.
189
00:08:50,698 --> 00:08:52,032
That's it.
190
00:08:52,065 --> 00:08:54,935
I have to convince him
to have a wedding.
191
00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:57,571
Oh, buddy.
192
00:08:57,605 --> 00:09:01,108
Oh, sweet, sweet buddy.
193
00:09:01,141 --> 00:09:04,612
-Oh, sweet, sweet, sweet...
-What?!
194
00:09:04,645 --> 00:09:08,081
Edgar, Jimmy is smart.
195
00:09:08,115 --> 00:09:10,517
And you're, well, Edgar.
196
00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,552
(scoffs) I'm smart.
197
00:09:12,586 --> 00:09:15,956
I've been tricking Jimmy into
letting me live in his house
198
00:09:15,989 --> 00:09:17,457
for the last three years.
199
00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:18,759
Hate to break it to you,
200
00:09:18,792 --> 00:09:21,629
but you're the dumb one
of the group.
201
00:09:21,662 --> 00:09:24,131
(giggles)
What? No. You're the dumb one.
202
00:09:24,164 --> 00:09:25,332
-No, I'm the hot one.
-I'm the hot one.
203
00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:29,469
(chuckles)
The reason you think
204
00:09:29,502 --> 00:09:31,138
someone else is the dumb one
of the group
205
00:09:31,171 --> 00:09:33,240
is because that's what
the dumb one's supposed to think
206
00:09:33,273 --> 00:09:34,775
to protect them,
207
00:09:34,808 --> 00:09:37,044
'cause if you were dumb and sad
at the same time,
208
00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:38,411
then you'd kill yourself.
209
00:09:38,445 --> 00:09:41,915
Now stick it back in me
somewhere, dummy.
210
00:09:46,654 --> 00:09:50,257
I'm not the dumb one,
you're the dumb one.
211
00:09:50,290 --> 00:09:52,826
JUSTINA (over computer):
Gretchen?
212
00:09:52,860 --> 00:09:55,829
Gretchen. Gretchen?
213
00:09:55,863 --> 00:10:00,067
Gretchen, are you okay?
Gretchen!
214
00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,269
-Gretchen, is
our session today? -How's Iowa?
215
00:10:02,302 --> 00:10:06,439
Oh, wait, literally no one cares
about anyone in Iowa.
216
00:10:06,473 --> 00:10:08,642
Anyway, I am eloping today.
217
00:10:08,676 --> 00:10:10,577
And you feel
conflicted about it?
218
00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:11,578
Uh, hell no.
219
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:13,113
I feel great about it.
220
00:10:13,146 --> 00:10:14,648
They teach you
to jump to conclusions
221
00:10:14,682 --> 00:10:17,184
in titty-sucking bitch school?
I'm sorry.
222
00:10:17,217 --> 00:10:19,019
-I know we're working on that.
-Thank you.
223
00:10:19,052 --> 00:10:21,789
I meant titty-sucking
bitch university!
224
00:10:21,822 --> 00:10:24,992
Oh! Goddamn it,
I am killing it today.
225
00:10:25,025 --> 00:10:26,694
Gretchen, I have work to do.
226
00:10:26,727 --> 00:10:31,264
(sighs) So, I was 100
on this eloping thing,
227
00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:32,666
and then this box showed up
228
00:10:32,700 --> 00:10:36,169
with this dumb
wedding dream book
229
00:10:36,203 --> 00:10:38,638
I made as a kid.
230
00:10:38,672 --> 00:10:42,109
And I'm still
into eloping, I just...
231
00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:44,211
I don't know.
232
00:10:44,244 --> 00:10:47,514
I'm just mad pissed.
233
00:10:47,547 --> 00:10:49,516
-(sighs)
-I told my simple-ass brother
234
00:10:49,549 --> 00:10:51,852
about this whole thing in
secret, and he went and blabbed
235
00:10:51,885 --> 00:10:53,787
to his depressed
postpartum sad wife.
236
00:10:53,821 --> 00:10:55,856
It's like, maybe focus
on keeping her
237
00:10:55,889 --> 00:10:58,025
from drowning my nephew,
you loose-lipped dickwad.
238
00:10:58,058 --> 00:11:01,061
Jesus Christ, Gretchen,
what is going on with you?
239
00:11:01,094 --> 00:11:03,396
(scoffs)
It's this stupid book!
240
00:11:03,430 --> 00:11:04,898
And on top of that,
241
00:11:04,932 --> 00:11:06,533
Lindsay brought me
a wedding dress.
242
00:11:06,566 --> 00:11:10,070
It's like the universe
wants me to have a wedding?
243
00:11:10,103 --> 00:11:12,139
Sounds like you're more
in touch with what you want
244
00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:14,207
then you realize, and if you're
still having doubts...
245
00:11:14,241 --> 00:11:15,976
I should try the dress on?
246
00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:18,511
I was gonna say go for a run,
but sure, Gretchen,
247
00:11:18,545 --> 00:11:20,714
try on the dress
and see how you feel about it.
248
00:11:20,748 --> 00:11:21,815
Cool.
249
00:11:21,849 --> 00:11:23,717
I'm glad I figured that out.
250
00:11:23,751 --> 00:11:25,085
I'll Venmo myself ten bucks.
251
00:11:25,118 --> 00:11:27,187
It's $150.
252
00:11:27,220 --> 00:11:29,923
And you owe me
for three months.
253
00:11:29,957 --> 00:11:32,159
Anyways, I... (chuckles) I hope
you and Boone figure it out.
254
00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:33,160
Who?
255
00:11:33,193 --> 00:11:35,595
(chuckles)
Keep up, I'm marrying Jimmy.
256
00:11:35,628 --> 00:11:40,067
Gretchen, you listen
to me very carefully.
257
00:11:40,100 --> 00:11:42,402
Do not marry...
258
00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:01,454
Yeah, I feel nothing. Nice.
259
00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:10,097
(sighing)
260
00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:12,565
(urinating)
261
00:12:23,811 --> 00:12:25,378
-(water sprays)
-Oh!
262
00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:27,414
(laughing)
263
00:12:29,783 --> 00:12:34,587
Yeah, I got 15 minutes.
Let's do this, toilet.
264
00:12:36,924 --> 00:12:37,991
(moans)
265
00:12:38,025 --> 00:12:40,027
(water spraying)
266
00:12:43,496 --> 00:12:45,665
How dare they make me audition
267
00:12:45,698 --> 00:12:48,335
to write the movie version
of my book?
268
00:12:48,368 --> 00:12:49,769
It's illogical
269
00:12:49,803 --> 00:12:51,171
and insulting.
270
00:12:51,204 --> 00:12:53,140
And if that's the way
that this industry works,
271
00:12:53,173 --> 00:12:55,775
then I shan't be party
to any of it.
272
00:12:55,809 --> 00:12:58,979
-No, I shan't indeed.
-Hey.
273
00:12:59,012 --> 00:13:01,314
Let's not talk shop today.
274
00:13:01,348 --> 00:13:04,818
Um, a toast. To your wedding.
275
00:13:04,852 --> 00:13:06,820
-(groans)
-Since we won't actually
276
00:13:06,854 --> 00:13:09,122
-be there, I just want to say...
-Edgar, Edgar,
277
00:13:09,156 --> 00:13:12,292
Edgar, please, just save
yourself the mental exertion
278
00:13:12,325 --> 00:13:15,695
you can clearly ill afford.
We're not having a wedding.
279
00:13:15,728 --> 00:13:16,930
-No, but you...
-Moreover,
280
00:13:16,964 --> 00:13:19,099
if you truly knew us,
281
00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:22,302
you would understand the
heterodox iconoclastic nature
282
00:13:22,335 --> 00:13:24,471
of a spontaneous elopement
283
00:13:24,504 --> 00:13:28,175
perfectly captures the renegade
tale of our amorous union.
284
00:13:28,208 --> 00:13:31,778
-So just save it.
-Ugh, fine.
285
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:33,947
I did bring you here
to convince you to have
286
00:13:33,981 --> 00:13:35,949
a real wedding,
287
00:13:35,983 --> 00:13:38,318
but you painted such a beautiful
word salad just now,
288
00:13:38,351 --> 00:13:41,288
I've changed my mind.
289
00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:44,858
I guess Lindsay was right--
I am the dumb one of the group.
290
00:13:44,892 --> 00:13:46,059
(snickers)
291
00:13:46,093 --> 00:13:48,695
Well, I guess eloping
does make sense
292
00:13:48,728 --> 00:13:50,797
considering all the people
whose weddings you've heckled
293
00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:53,466
over the years who'd just
show up to bring you down.
294
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:57,004
(scoffs) Please!
I am un-bring-down-able.
295
00:13:57,037 --> 00:13:58,405
Nah, but weddings aren't.
296
00:13:58,438 --> 00:14:00,707
(scoffs) Remember what you did
to Becca and Vernon's?
297
00:14:00,740 --> 00:14:02,509
Ugh, what a low-rent,
298
00:14:02,542 --> 00:14:04,211
tacky affair.
299
00:14:04,244 --> 00:14:07,247
I mean, the horrid music,
the wretched decor,
300
00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:08,982
-my God, the food.
-(chuckles)
301
00:14:09,016 --> 00:14:10,817
There was nary a burrata bar
to be seen.
302
00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:14,587
Ooh, what kind of food
would you have?
303
00:14:14,621 --> 00:14:18,926
Oh, well, my wedding would be
catered by Roy Choi,
304
00:14:18,959 --> 00:14:21,594
-obviously.
-Oh, man, I love him.
305
00:14:21,628 --> 00:14:23,030
The flowers would have
306
00:14:23,063 --> 00:14:26,934
to be sourced same-day
from the flower mart, of course.
307
00:14:26,967 --> 00:14:30,570
Color palette:
Claude Monet, Rouen Cathedral,
308
00:14:30,603 --> 00:14:34,574
West Facade, Sunlight, 1892.
309
00:14:34,607 --> 00:14:37,710
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
310
00:14:37,744 --> 00:14:40,247
Day of the event, fade in.
311
00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:43,550
It's dawn at Adamson House,
312
00:14:43,583 --> 00:14:46,286
and the fog is dense
over the Pacific Ocean,
313
00:14:46,319 --> 00:14:48,956
like a perfect
Christmas pudding.
314
00:14:50,457 --> 00:14:52,425
(water spraying rhythmically)
315
00:14:52,459 --> 00:14:56,263
(moaning)
316
00:15:03,070 --> 00:15:05,072
(grunts)
317
00:15:10,010 --> 00:15:12,012
Omakase?
318
00:15:15,282 --> 00:15:17,284
(screaming)
319
00:15:22,189 --> 00:15:25,192
I'll have what I'm having.
320
00:15:34,534 --> 00:15:37,937
-(water spraying)
-(shuddering)
321
00:15:37,971 --> 00:15:41,674
And then a tasteful fireworks
display over the ocean,
322
00:15:41,708 --> 00:15:45,912
scored to Mahler's Ich bin der
Welt abhanden gekommen,
323
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:48,982
would bring to a close
the greatest wedding
324
00:15:49,016 --> 00:15:51,518
in the history of matrimony.
325
00:15:51,551 --> 00:15:56,356
Resetting the very bar
to which all couples aspire.
326
00:15:56,389 --> 00:15:58,458
As espoused by Will Smith
327
00:15:58,491 --> 00:16:01,828
as Alex "Hitch" Hitchens
in Hitch,
328
00:16:01,861 --> 00:16:05,932
"Life is not the amount
of breaths you take,
329
00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:09,536
it's the moments
that take your breath away."
330
00:16:09,569 --> 00:16:12,039
ALL:
Oh...
331
00:16:12,072 --> 00:16:14,474
(sniffles)
That shit was beautiful, bro.
332
00:16:14,507 --> 00:16:15,875
So when's this wedding?
333
00:16:15,908 --> 00:16:18,545
Oh, that was all hypothetical,
lowly barkeep.
334
00:16:18,578 --> 00:16:23,316
In fact, my fiancée and I
are eloping at...
335
00:16:23,350 --> 00:16:26,186
-(phone chimes)
-...45 minutes ago.
336
00:16:26,219 --> 00:16:27,620
Oh, dear God!
337
00:16:27,654 --> 00:16:29,956
-What'd you do, bro?
-Jimmy, no. Jimmy.
338
00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:32,659
She thinks I've abandoned her.
Again.
339
00:16:32,692 --> 00:16:34,227
Oh, no, Jimmy.
340
00:16:34,261 --> 00:16:35,462
I guess you have no choice
341
00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:38,765
but to throw a real wedding.
342
00:16:47,707 --> 00:16:51,411
-(phone ringing, buzzing)
-(water spraying)
343
00:16:51,444 --> 00:16:53,446
(moaning)
344
00:17:07,294 --> 00:17:09,262
(water stops)
345
00:17:09,296 --> 00:17:12,065
(phone ringing, buzzing)
346
00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:16,603
Oh, God.
347
00:17:27,814 --> 00:17:30,383
This is my fault.
This was my plan all along.
348
00:17:30,417 --> 00:17:32,452
Well, not this. Just the part
where I bamboozle you
349
00:17:32,485 --> 00:17:34,221
into wanting a real wedding.
350
00:17:34,254 --> 00:17:36,123
I didn't mean for you to leave
Gretchen at the non-altar.
351
00:17:36,156 --> 00:17:37,557
(flicks lighter)
352
00:17:37,590 --> 00:17:40,460
-I'm too powerful, Jimmy.
-Yeah, right.
353
00:17:40,493 --> 00:17:42,562
We've already established
that you're the dumb one.
354
00:17:42,595 --> 00:17:43,963
Nice try, though, dummy.
355
00:17:43,996 --> 00:17:46,032
Quick, give me a tube sock
and some nickels.
356
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:47,867
I'll work you over,
basic training style,
357
00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:50,437
and Gretchen will think you got
jumped outside City Hall.
358
00:17:50,470 --> 00:17:54,207
Edgar, that is moronic.
What kind of demented idiot
359
00:17:54,241 --> 00:17:55,908
would agree
to something like that?
360
00:17:55,942 --> 00:17:57,310
Do it.
361
00:17:57,344 --> 00:17:59,179
(yelling)
362
00:18:01,013 --> 00:18:04,151
(both yelling)
363
00:18:07,687 --> 00:18:10,757
Damn it, Gretchen! Stay still.
364
00:18:10,790 --> 00:18:12,892
-(whimpers)
-This is really hard for me.
365
00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:15,995
I'm sorry, I thought I'd long
ago lost my survival instinct,
366
00:18:16,028 --> 00:18:19,766
along with my gag reflex.
Oh, goddamn it!
367
00:18:19,799 --> 00:18:21,434
I can't believe
I missed my wedding.
368
00:18:21,468 --> 00:18:23,436
What the fuck is wrong with me?
369
00:18:23,470 --> 00:18:25,138
Gretchen, Gretchen.
370
00:18:25,172 --> 00:18:27,106
I know this seems
like a giant deal now,
371
00:18:27,140 --> 00:18:30,177
but in a few years,
when you and Jimmy are...
372
00:18:30,210 --> 00:18:32,612
Oh! Oh, no! Gretchen,
373
00:18:32,645 --> 00:18:35,081
I thought surprising you would
work, but it worked too good.
374
00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:36,416
I... (screams)
375
00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:37,450
-Again.
-What?
376
00:18:37,484 --> 00:18:39,652
No.
Honey, once was hard enough.
377
00:18:39,686 --> 00:18:40,920
I-I couldn't possibly...
378
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:42,622
(Gretchen grunts)
379
00:18:42,655 --> 00:18:44,123
That's for saying
I've never been in love.
380
00:18:44,157 --> 00:18:46,359
Oh, Jesus, but it's true!
381
00:18:46,393 --> 00:18:48,761
-(Gretchen yelps)
-(yelling)
382
00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:51,698
Stop! Lindsay! Safe word!
383
00:18:51,731 --> 00:18:53,166
(yelling trails off)
384
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:55,202
(panting)
385
00:19:08,748 --> 00:19:10,049
How do I look?
386
00:19:10,082 --> 00:19:13,186
Like Mickey Rourke
was stung by bees.
387
00:19:13,220 --> 00:19:14,187
Perfect.
388
00:19:14,221 --> 00:19:15,855
(Gretchen sniffles)
389
00:19:15,888 --> 00:19:17,857
Sorry I said the thing
about you never being in love.
390
00:19:17,890 --> 00:19:20,159
It's okay. It's true.
391
00:19:20,193 --> 00:19:23,530
Just hurts to hear it out loud.
392
00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:30,737
(Gretchen groans softly)
393
00:19:54,294 --> 00:19:56,463
(tires screeching)
394
00:20:05,137 --> 00:20:07,507
Oh, no.
395
00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:09,609
My Snapple was in there.
396
00:20:12,779 --> 00:20:15,081
(exhaling sharply)
397
00:20:16,916 --> 00:20:18,485
(whistles)
398
00:20:27,427 --> 00:20:29,429
I don't smell smoke.
399
00:20:31,331 --> 00:20:34,701
And her car's not here.
400
00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:36,403
(exhales)
401
00:20:37,670 --> 00:20:39,572
Oh, I... I guess
we're safe for now.
402
00:20:39,606 --> 00:20:42,208
I wonder if there's a way
that we can convince her
403
00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:44,444
that you manipulated me
into missing the wedding?
404
00:20:44,477 --> 00:20:47,246
Oh, you mean
my plan I actually did?
405
00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:51,083
Yeah, but in my fictitious
version, it worked.
406
00:20:52,685 --> 00:20:54,387
JIMMY:
Okay, listen, Gretchen,
407
00:20:54,421 --> 00:20:56,055
I can...
Oh, my God!
408
00:20:56,088 --> 00:20:58,124
What happened?!
409
00:20:58,157 --> 00:21:00,993
(voice breaking):
Oh, Jimmy, I'm still shaking.
410
00:21:01,027 --> 00:21:04,263
I got in an insane accident.
411
00:21:04,297 --> 00:21:07,334
Like, an inch away
from being decapitated,
412
00:21:07,367 --> 00:21:10,837
Final Destination insane.
413
00:21:10,870 --> 00:21:12,672
Oh, Jesus, are... are you hurt?
414
00:21:12,705 --> 00:21:15,508
Yeah, but I guess I deserve it.
415
00:21:15,542 --> 00:21:18,945
Oh, Gretchen, I'm so, so sorry.
416
00:21:18,978 --> 00:21:21,314
Listen, the-the last thing
I'd want you to think is
417
00:21:21,348 --> 00:21:24,116
that I'd abandoned you... again.
418
00:21:24,150 --> 00:21:26,319
And, uh,
it's been absolutely killing me.
419
00:21:26,353 --> 00:21:28,087
Wait. You didn't show up?
420
00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:30,590
I mean, you didn't show up.
421
00:21:30,623 --> 00:21:32,692
You didn't show up!
422
00:21:32,725 --> 00:21:35,127
Oh, what is wrong with you?
423
00:21:35,161 --> 00:21:38,998
You left me standing there
in this dress?
424
00:21:39,031 --> 00:21:41,701
Do you know how stupid I looked?
425
00:21:41,734 --> 00:21:44,337
Do you know
how humiliated I was?
426
00:21:44,371 --> 00:21:45,972
I'm so, so sorry.
427
00:21:46,005 --> 00:21:48,541
You left me standing there,
428
00:21:48,575 --> 00:21:50,843
waiting for you
429
00:21:50,877 --> 00:21:52,945
on the street!
430
00:21:52,979 --> 00:21:56,949
Crying like
I'm in some bad movie.
431
00:21:56,983 --> 00:22:01,621
All the other couples in line
were laughing at me!
432
00:22:01,654 --> 00:22:05,124
A homeless man hugged me
433
00:22:05,157 --> 00:22:07,193
'cause he felt so bad!
434
00:22:07,226 --> 00:22:09,796
(crying)
435
00:22:09,829 --> 00:22:12,799
What is wrong with you, Jimmy?
436
00:22:12,832 --> 00:22:14,634
What...?
437
00:22:14,667 --> 00:22:16,369
Oh, Gretchen.
438
00:22:16,403 --> 00:22:18,371
You just couldn't
help yourself, could you?
439
00:22:18,405 --> 00:22:20,573
(cries, sniffles)
What are you talking about?
440
00:22:20,607 --> 00:22:23,342
You little ginger fool. You say
441
00:22:23,376 --> 00:22:25,912
you were "waiting on the street"
442
00:22:25,945 --> 00:22:28,981
because you imagined City Hall
443
00:22:29,015 --> 00:22:31,418
was just some sort of kiosk
444
00:22:31,451 --> 00:22:33,386
or storefront, didn't you?
445
00:22:33,420 --> 00:22:34,821
No. I...
446
00:22:34,854 --> 00:22:36,322
Because you've never been there.
447
00:22:36,355 --> 00:22:38,357
Not to pay a parking ticket,
448
00:22:38,391 --> 00:22:40,393
not to get married.
449
00:22:40,427 --> 00:22:43,430
You didn't show up either!
450
00:22:43,463 --> 00:22:46,165
Yes, I did. Why would I be
wearing this dress
451
00:22:46,198 --> 00:22:48,501
-if I didn't?
-See, when I mistakenly
452
00:22:48,535 --> 00:22:51,404
drank through
our City Hall wedding,
453
00:22:51,438 --> 00:22:55,742
Edgar's first instinct was
to use his penchant for violence
454
00:22:55,775 --> 00:22:58,911
to make it look as though
I was set upon by ruffians.
455
00:22:58,945 --> 00:23:03,349
Now something tells me, as
the twin dummies of the group,
456
00:23:03,382 --> 00:23:05,418
Lindsay had
a similar moronic idea.
457
00:23:05,452 --> 00:23:07,954
It was my moronic idea!
458
00:23:07,987 --> 00:23:10,557
Mm. Uh...
459
00:23:10,590 --> 00:23:12,425
Fine.
460
00:23:12,459 --> 00:23:14,126
I missed it, too.
461
00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:15,462
(sighs)
462
00:23:15,495 --> 00:23:18,364
-Sit down, Gretchen.
-No.
463
00:23:18,397 --> 00:23:20,800
-Oh, come on.
We can figure this out. -No.
464
00:23:20,833 --> 00:23:24,270
I know. I just can't sit down
right now.
465
00:23:24,303 --> 00:23:25,705
(sighs)
I missed the wedding
466
00:23:25,738 --> 00:23:27,440
'cause I was banging
my new toilet.
467
00:23:27,474 --> 00:23:30,076
It's a long story.
468
00:23:30,109 --> 00:23:31,444
Actually, it's not.
469
00:23:31,478 --> 00:23:33,079
I just said the whole thing.
470
00:23:34,113 --> 00:23:37,083
So, neither of us showed.
471
00:23:38,485 --> 00:23:42,288
Do you think
there's some deeper meaning?
472
00:23:42,321 --> 00:23:44,123
(Gretchen sighs)
473
00:23:48,761 --> 00:23:52,198
Gretchen Cutler's Wedding Diary.
474
00:23:53,766 --> 00:23:55,802
I think I want a wedding.
475
00:23:55,835 --> 00:23:57,904
A wedding? Are you mad?
476
00:23:57,937 --> 00:23:59,639
He wants one, too!
477
00:23:59,672 --> 00:24:02,475
Tell her about the fog, Jimmy.
The Christmas fog.
478
00:24:02,509 --> 00:24:04,611
Oh.
479
00:24:10,517 --> 00:24:12,819
(Jimmy sighs)
480
00:24:17,189 --> 00:24:19,526
(sighs)
481
00:24:26,666 --> 00:24:30,169
(laughter)
482
00:24:30,202 --> 00:24:31,938
YOUNG GRETCHEN:
Dear Gretchen,
483
00:24:31,971 --> 00:24:34,541
if you're watching this,
it's because I died.
484
00:24:34,574 --> 00:24:36,442
Just kidding!
485
00:24:36,475 --> 00:24:38,511
It's because
we're getting married!
486
00:24:38,545 --> 00:24:41,047
If everything's gone
according to the plan,
487
00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:44,050
you're a hot 22-year-old
marine biologist
488
00:24:44,083 --> 00:24:46,886
who's engaged
to Jonathan Taylor Thomas.
489
00:24:46,919 --> 00:24:48,521
22.
490
00:24:48,555 --> 00:24:51,023
-YOUNG GRETCHEN: He's so cute.
-You're no JTT, pal.
491
00:24:51,057 --> 00:24:53,693
Okay. So this is
the must-have section.
492
00:24:53,726 --> 00:24:55,662
A French lace gown
with a ten-foot train,
493
00:24:55,695 --> 00:24:57,163
a chocolate fountain.
494
00:24:57,196 --> 00:24:58,831
New Kids on the Block
will perform.
495
00:24:58,865 --> 00:25:00,232
For the complete list, refer
496
00:25:00,266 --> 00:25:02,001
to the must-haves section
in our book.
497
00:25:05,572 --> 00:25:09,909
I know it sounds fun, but
marriage can be really scary.
498
00:25:09,942 --> 00:25:13,045
So, if you ever get nervous,
just remember
499
00:25:13,079 --> 00:25:15,181
you're making me really happy.
500
00:25:15,214 --> 00:25:18,250
And don't forget
to run everything by Mom,
501
00:25:18,284 --> 00:25:19,819
or you'll have to eat dinner
502
00:25:19,852 --> 00:25:22,054
in the scary room for bad girls
under the stairs.
503
00:25:25,057 --> 00:25:27,860
So should we pick a date?
504
00:25:27,894 --> 00:25:30,597
-August 7 is a nice...
-GRETCHEN and JIMMY: No.
505
00:25:30,630 --> 00:25:33,065
("Baldy" by Mozes
and the Firstborn playing)
506
00:25:33,099 --> 00:25:35,101
(Young Gretchen continues
speaking indistinctly)
507
00:25:58,090 --> 00:25:59,558
Ah.
508
00:25:59,592 --> 00:26:01,994
-JIMMY: Ah.
-(chuckling)
509
00:26:07,667 --> 00:26:10,202
* Well, I know
this can't be right *
510
00:26:10,236 --> 00:26:13,940
* Ooh, ooh *
511
00:26:13,973 --> 00:26:16,108
* Well, that's no fear,
to fall behind *
512
00:26:16,142 --> 00:26:19,411
* Top of my head,
it's on the top of my mind *
513
00:26:19,445 --> 00:26:22,281
* Well, that's no fear,
to fall behind *
514
00:26:22,314 --> 00:26:25,451
* Top of my head,
it's on the top of my mind *
515
00:26:25,484 --> 00:26:28,721
* Well, that's no fear,
to fall behind *
516
00:26:28,755 --> 00:26:31,791
* My, my, my,
my, my, my, my... *
517
00:26:38,998 --> 00:26:41,968
(dog barks)
518
00:26:45,004 --> 00:26:46,939
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
519
00:26:48,607 --> 00:26:52,011
-Do it!
-(both screaming)
520
00:26:52,044 --> 00:26:53,980
Oh, snap!
521
00:26:54,013 --> 00:26:57,316
-We're not having a wedding.
-We're eloping, suckas!
522
00:26:59,151 --> 00:27:02,354
-(squishing)
-That was the mustard, not my butt.
523
00:27:02,388 --> 00:27:04,090
(muffled screaming)
524
00:27:04,123 --> 00:27:06,558
-I want to party!
-Lindsay, stop.
525
00:27:07,059 --> 00:27:08,828
(screams)
526
00:27:08,861 --> 00:27:11,764
GRETCHEN: I think we might
be turning into grown-ups.
527
00:27:11,798 --> 00:27:13,465
Oh.
528
00:27:13,499 --> 00:27:15,668
ANNOUNCER: You're the Worst.
The final season.
529
00:27:15,702 --> 00:27:18,671
All new.
Wednesdays at 10:00 only on FXX.
530
00:27:19,972 --> 00:27:24,143
(phone ringtone chiming)
531
00:27:29,515 --> 00:27:31,117
-(groans)
-ANNOUNCER: Better Things.
532
00:27:31,150 --> 00:27:34,754
All new, Thursdays at 10:00.
Starts February 28 on FX.
533
00:27:34,804 --> 00:27:39,354
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
39007
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