All language subtitles for Those Who Cant s03e04 A Smoot Holiday Coincidence.eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,060 --> 00:00:02,185 [FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYS] 2 00:00:02,186 --> 00:00:04,003 Anyway, it was not the "Rocky II" 3 00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:05,204 I thought it was when I rented it. 4 00:00:05,205 --> 00:00:07,873 Cher wasn't even in it. Rip-off! 5 00:00:07,874 --> 00:00:09,542 Yeah, get... go eat that somewhere else. 6 00:00:09,543 --> 00:00:13,212 Season's greetings, Smoot faculty! [LAUGHS] 7 00:00:13,213 --> 00:00:16,415 Now, I have some news that, when you hear it, 8 00:00:16,416 --> 00:00:19,552 I think "yule" be quite merry. 9 00:00:19,553 --> 00:00:22,155 [LAUGHS] Y-u-l-e. I get it! 10 00:00:22,156 --> 00:00:24,490 Steven got it. Anyways, the big news is, 11 00:00:24,491 --> 00:00:28,227 I was able to squeeze $400 out of the budget 12 00:00:28,228 --> 00:00:29,629 and put it towards 13 00:00:29,630 --> 00:00:33,499 a Smoot outdoor Christmas lights display! 14 00:00:33,500 --> 00:00:35,701 Quinn, it's holiday display. 15 00:00:35,702 --> 00:00:37,637 This is a public school. We should be inclusive. 16 00:00:37,638 --> 00:00:40,239 Okay, thank you, Abbey, for getting involved. 17 00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:41,441 Uh, I'm just saying that, 18 00:00:41,442 --> 00:00:43,509 if we play our Christmas cards... 19 00:00:44,445 --> 00:00:46,379 holiday cards right, 20 00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:50,115 we have a chance to be featured in the Channel 5 News 21 00:00:50,116 --> 00:00:54,988 "12 Weeks of Holiday Lights" contest! [LAUGHS] 22 00:00:54,989 --> 00:00:56,389 Have you guys seen this? 23 00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:58,591 I was just talking to some cool kids smoking cigarettes, 24 00:00:58,592 --> 00:00:59,993 and they say we need to raise money stat 25 00:00:59,994 --> 00:01:02,061 because Marcus needs a new heart transplant. 26 00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:03,196 - What? - What? 27 00:01:03,197 --> 00:01:04,464 Marcus, the frail little sophomore kid? 28 00:01:04,465 --> 00:01:07,000 Marcus may be frail, but he has an upbeat attitude 29 00:01:07,001 --> 00:01:09,402 and an unfailing love of hip-hop, Steven. 30 00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:11,537 It's not his fault he has a pigeon-sized heart. 31 00:01:11,538 --> 00:01:13,139 - I've never heard of that. - What? That is a gigantic heart. 32 00:01:13,140 --> 00:01:16,275 - Pigeons can be up to 8 pounds. - Idiots! 33 00:01:16,276 --> 00:01:17,743 - No, no, no. I said it wrong. - I'm not a doctor. 34 00:01:17,744 --> 00:01:20,746 His heart is the size of a heart of a pigeon. 35 00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:22,816 - Oh! That's opposite. - Oh. They're so tiny! 36 00:01:22,817 --> 00:01:24,083 His family's raising money 37 00:01:24,084 --> 00:01:25,751 with a WhyDon'tYouGoFundYourself page, 38 00:01:25,752 --> 00:01:28,287 but they only know other poor people. 39 00:01:28,288 --> 00:01:30,623 After 15 long years, 40 00:01:30,624 --> 00:01:34,227 looks like Marcus' little pigeon heart is finally about to... 41 00:01:34,228 --> 00:01:37,556 [STEADY BEEP] 42 00:01:37,557 --> 00:01:41,300 Oh! Yeah, that's me. Damn it! 43 00:01:41,301 --> 00:01:43,969 That's Tampa's 38-week ultrasound. 44 00:01:43,970 --> 00:01:46,581 I'm sorry. I got to get out of here, guys. 45 00:01:47,774 --> 00:01:49,442 He can't just leave school. 46 00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:50,710 [FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYS] 47 00:01:50,711 --> 00:01:53,179 Quit wasting my time 48 00:01:53,180 --> 00:01:55,581 I ain't here for you 49 00:01:55,582 --> 00:01:57,983 I'm just putting in work 50 00:01:57,984 --> 00:02:02,148 Till my day is through 51 00:02:02,149 --> 00:02:03,847 - Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT - -- www.addic7ed.com -- 52 00:02:03,848 --> 00:02:06,059 You guys, this could be Marcus' last Christmas. 53 00:02:06,060 --> 00:02:07,861 I hope it's better than my last Christmas. 54 00:02:07,862 --> 00:02:09,328 I didn't get anything I asked for. 55 00:02:09,329 --> 00:02:10,796 Here's a thought... 56 00:02:10,797 --> 00:02:12,798 What if we took that $400 57 00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:14,400 and put it towards helping out Marcus? 58 00:02:14,401 --> 00:02:15,468 - Yes! - That's great! 59 00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:16,469 - That's great. - Yeah. 60 00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:18,003 $400 is a lot of money. 61 00:02:18,004 --> 00:02:19,739 However, you want to get that kid a heart... 62 00:02:19,740 --> 00:02:21,006 And I mean a real heart... 63 00:02:21,007 --> 00:02:24,677 - Yes, the best heart! - Use that money to make money. 64 00:02:24,678 --> 00:02:25,745 [PAPERS THUMP SOFTLY] 65 00:02:25,746 --> 00:02:26,946 - Bake sale style! - Bake sale! 66 00:02:26,947 --> 00:02:28,013 - Yes! - That's a great idea. 67 00:02:28,014 --> 00:02:29,282 - There you go. - I love it. 68 00:02:29,283 --> 00:02:31,751 I'm a master baker. I'll whip up a batch. 69 00:02:31,752 --> 00:02:33,953 - Here's hoping for a holiday miracle. - Yes! 70 00:02:33,954 --> 00:02:36,089 Actually, "miracle" is kind of loaded. 71 00:02:36,090 --> 00:02:38,224 Abbey! Agh! 72 00:02:38,225 --> 00:02:40,706 Thank you so much for reminding me! 73 00:02:40,707 --> 00:02:45,164 Ugh! Here's hoping for a... 74 00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:49,569 Smoot Holiday "Coincidence"! 75 00:02:49,570 --> 00:02:51,104 Yes! 76 00:02:51,105 --> 00:02:52,638 77 00:02:52,639 --> 00:02:53,773 I just don't understand. 78 00:02:53,774 --> 00:02:54,774 Give it better real estate, and they'll move more. 79 00:02:54,775 --> 00:02:56,576 It's literally in the center of the table. 80 00:02:56,577 --> 00:02:58,377 Can I get one reindeer cookie 81 00:02:58,378 --> 00:02:59,979 and two Christmas tree cookies, please? 82 00:02:59,980 --> 00:03:02,448 You can have one Kwanzaa wildebeest cookie 83 00:03:02,449 --> 00:03:05,251 and two winter solstice green triangles. 84 00:03:05,252 --> 00:03:07,320 Absolutely! Happy Holidays! 85 00:03:07,321 --> 00:03:08,654 Thanks. 86 00:03:08,655 --> 00:03:10,123 Hey, everybody, there he is. There he is! 87 00:03:10,124 --> 00:03:12,191 Look, everybody! There's our guy! 88 00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:13,927 Round of applause for Marcus! 89 00:03:13,928 --> 00:03:15,795 [APPLAUSE] 90 00:03:15,796 --> 00:03:17,797 Aw, damn, y'all! This is all for me? 91 00:03:17,798 --> 00:03:19,999 [SCOFFS] You bet your ass it's for you, Marcus. 92 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:22,135 Y'all be all right. For real, though. 93 00:03:22,136 --> 00:03:24,137 Pigeon heart? It's more like pidgin English. 94 00:03:24,138 --> 00:03:25,738 Is it too late to get my cookie money back? 95 00:03:25,739 --> 00:03:27,673 Stop that! He's right in front of you. 96 00:03:27,674 --> 00:03:29,208 Marcus, I want you to eat up, buddy. 97 00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:30,743 Put some meat on those bones. Yeah. 98 00:03:30,744 --> 00:03:33,212 Anything you want, free of charge. 99 00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:34,547 - Within reason, kid. - Come on. 100 00:03:34,548 --> 00:03:36,349 I'll take a white star, man. 101 00:03:36,350 --> 00:03:39,819 - Non-denominational star. - You bet your ass he is. 102 00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:43,022 [FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYS] 103 00:03:43,023 --> 00:03:44,557 WOMAN: $1,746... 104 00:03:44,558 --> 00:03:46,426 TOGETHER: $1,747... 105 00:03:46,427 --> 00:03:48,894 and $1,748! 106 00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:50,296 - You kidding me? - That's it! 107 00:03:50,297 --> 00:03:52,565 - That is outstanding! - See? I told you! 108 00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:55,234 That's a 200% increase on Quinn's seed money, 109 00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:57,370 and that's even after my cut. 110 00:03:57,371 --> 00:03:59,705 - Your what? - Oh, I'm sorry. I must have misspoke. 111 00:03:59,706 --> 00:04:03,108 What I meant to say was "after my cut"! 112 00:04:03,109 --> 00:04:05,244 These blowouts don't pay for themselves, you know. 113 00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:07,180 - Real nice. Real nice. - 1... 2... 114 00:04:07,181 --> 00:04:09,456 All right, tell the pigeon kid I said good luck. 115 00:04:10,204 --> 00:04:13,586 You know what? We should quit our jobs and just do bake sales. 116 00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:15,921 I'll say. That's a lot of "dough." 117 00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:17,523 Come on, Steven. 118 00:04:17,524 --> 00:04:18,792 - Steven. - [SIGHS] 119 00:04:18,793 --> 00:04:20,326 Congrats, guys. Job well done. 120 00:04:20,327 --> 00:04:21,594 Yeah, you, too, Steven. Thanks for your help, bud. 121 00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:23,129 ABBEY: Yeah, the cupcakes were great. 122 00:04:23,130 --> 00:04:26,666 Hey, yo, Marcus. 14 hundo, dawg. 123 00:04:26,667 --> 00:04:28,067 Don't spend it all in one place. 124 00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:30,336 Wait. Actually, definitely spend it in one place... 125 00:04:30,337 --> 00:04:32,806 - All on the heart transplant, okay? - Yo, Mr. P., 126 00:04:32,807 --> 00:04:34,607 that was dope as hell of all the teachers. 127 00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:35,875 Well, yeah. Yeah. 128 00:04:35,876 --> 00:04:38,812 But the doctor says my surgery costs 15 G's. 129 00:04:38,813 --> 00:04:39,945 15 G's? 130 00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:42,081 And my mom already sold all her stuff. 131 00:04:42,082 --> 00:04:44,484 God damn, Marcus. 132 00:04:44,485 --> 00:04:46,008 Give me that money back right now, Marcus. 133 00:04:46,009 --> 00:04:47,153 What? 134 00:04:47,154 --> 00:04:48,688 - Give it back! - No! 135 00:04:48,689 --> 00:04:51,119 Marcus, there will be plenty more where this came from, okay? 136 00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:52,358 - I don't want you worrying... - [COUGHS] 137 00:04:52,359 --> 00:04:54,293 Sorry. Sorry. 138 00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:56,362 I don't want you worrying your little bird-sized heart 139 00:04:56,363 --> 00:04:58,498 about money anymore... That's not for you. 140 00:04:58,499 --> 00:05:01,434 That's for adults with regular-sized hearts. 141 00:05:01,435 --> 00:05:03,102 Your job is to be a teenager. 142 00:05:03,103 --> 00:05:05,171 You just go out there, and you keeping YOLO-ing. 143 00:05:05,172 --> 00:05:08,908 YOLO. Yeah, that'd be really cool. 144 00:05:08,909 --> 00:05:09,909 YOLO. 145 00:05:09,910 --> 00:05:10,910 Get out there, son. 146 00:05:10,911 --> 00:05:12,712 - [COUGHS] - Sorry. 147 00:05:12,713 --> 00:05:15,915 Dangerous Danishes. I must have had five or six. 148 00:05:15,916 --> 00:05:17,450 Okay, so it turns out 149 00:05:17,451 --> 00:05:20,319 $1,400 doesn't buy a heart transplant 150 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:21,787 in this shit town anymore. 151 00:05:21,788 --> 00:05:23,389 - We need 15,000 bucks. - What?! 152 00:05:23,390 --> 00:05:24,724 - What? - The crooks! 153 00:05:24,725 --> 00:05:26,726 - It's this new Denver. - [CHUCKLES] 154 00:05:26,727 --> 00:05:29,929 We got to turn this $1,400 into $15,000 somehow. 155 00:05:29,930 --> 00:05:31,997 Okay, well, Loren, I appreciate your bond with Marcus 156 00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:33,799 and your situational altruism, 157 00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:36,069 but we've made a significant contribution. 158 00:05:36,070 --> 00:05:38,204 I mean, our bake sale got them 10% of the way there. 159 00:05:38,205 --> 00:05:39,673 Hey, maybe you haven't been paying attention, Steven, 160 00:05:39,674 --> 00:05:42,275 but for Marcus, 10% of the goal means 100%... 161 00:05:42,276 --> 00:05:45,010 - [STEADY BEEP] - Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm. 162 00:05:45,011 --> 00:05:46,145 That's you again. 163 00:05:46,146 --> 00:05:47,885 Oh, God! It is! 164 00:05:47,886 --> 00:05:48,948 Ugh! 165 00:05:48,949 --> 00:05:50,283 [BEEPING STOPS] 166 00:05:50,284 --> 00:05:53,219 Tampa again. Prenatal yoga now. [SCOFFS] 167 00:05:53,220 --> 00:05:54,487 I don't even know how she's gonna do it. 168 00:05:54,488 --> 00:05:57,557 Her pelvic floor is decimated! 169 00:05:57,558 --> 00:06:00,426 Now, who here has the balls to help me fundraise 170 00:06:00,427 --> 00:06:02,362 before Steven literally kills Marcus? 171 00:06:02,363 --> 00:06:04,830 Okay, I hesitate to bring this up, 172 00:06:04,831 --> 00:06:06,966 but when I was at Choate, we had charity auctions, 173 00:06:06,967 --> 00:06:08,301 and they were quite effective. 174 00:06:08,302 --> 00:06:09,903 I think, if we did something simple and understated... 175 00:06:09,904 --> 00:06:11,704 Black-tie gala! I love that! I love that idea! 176 00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:12,772 - Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! - Okay. 177 00:06:12,773 --> 00:06:13,773 Steven is right! Steven is right! 178 00:06:13,774 --> 00:06:15,040 You have to spend money to make money! 179 00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:16,242 No, no, no. That's not what I'm talking about. 180 00:06:16,243 --> 00:06:17,643 - But we go big with this thing. - Love that idea. 181 00:06:17,644 --> 00:06:19,645 Calm down. On top of that, we can donate items, 182 00:06:19,646 --> 00:06:21,381 and it would be great to have an excuse 183 00:06:21,382 --> 00:06:23,048 to get dressed up around here. 184 00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:24,183 Oh, I know exactly what I'm wearing! 185 00:06:24,184 --> 00:06:25,184 Okay, you know, we got to keep in mind, 186 00:06:25,185 --> 00:06:27,120 we only have a budget of $1,400. 187 00:06:27,121 --> 00:06:29,188 - Right. - I know it's a long shot, 188 00:06:29,189 --> 00:06:31,324 but I'm willing to bet that's what 189 00:06:31,325 --> 00:06:34,393 old Mike and Barb Peterson thought, too. 190 00:06:35,800 --> 00:06:37,067 Hello? 191 00:06:37,068 --> 00:06:39,603 Winner of last year's Burt Crandall's 192 00:06:39,604 --> 00:06:42,940 "12 Weeks of Holiday Lights" contest! 193 00:06:42,941 --> 00:06:46,276 No one here knows who I'm talking about? No one? 194 00:06:46,277 --> 00:06:49,546 Quinn is right. That was a long shot. 195 00:06:49,547 --> 00:06:50,880 And after all, you guys, 196 00:06:50,881 --> 00:06:52,682 what is the real meaning of Christmas? 197 00:06:52,683 --> 00:06:54,151 - Kill or be killed! - Grip it and rip it. 198 00:06:54,152 --> 00:06:55,352 - Close. - You burn it to the ground... 199 00:06:55,353 --> 00:06:56,553 That is not the meaning of Christmas, guys. 200 00:06:56,554 --> 00:06:57,887 And you make them beg for mercy! 201 00:06:57,888 --> 00:06:59,156 Well, I'll tell you what... This might just end up 202 00:06:59,157 --> 00:07:01,891 turning into a Smoot Christmas Miracle! 203 00:07:01,892 --> 00:07:03,894 - Yes! - Okay, Abbey. 204 00:07:03,895 --> 00:07:08,089 Sorry, a Smoot Holiday Coincidence. 205 00:07:10,401 --> 00:07:12,202 STEVEN: Wow, I have to say, 206 00:07:12,203 --> 00:07:14,404 you guys pulled off an incredible transformation. 207 00:07:14,405 --> 00:07:16,073 Well, you were wrong to doubt us, Steven. 208 00:07:16,074 --> 00:07:18,542 You know, we may not be some fancy boarding school, 209 00:07:18,543 --> 00:07:21,278 but when we want to, we can just straight-up shit class. 210 00:07:21,279 --> 00:07:22,279 Ooh! Pizza rolls. 211 00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:23,280 - Ooh! - Yes. 212 00:07:23,281 --> 00:07:24,882 Well, I know the students helped out, 213 00:07:24,883 --> 00:07:26,550 but how'd you get so many things donated? 214 00:07:26,551 --> 00:07:28,886 I mean, the champagne, the catering, the ice sculpture... 215 00:07:28,887 --> 00:07:30,620 People donate anything for the right price. 216 00:07:30,621 --> 00:07:32,756 Plus, Quinn gave everyone access to the Smoot credit card, 217 00:07:32,757 --> 00:07:33,957 so we're good. 218 00:07:33,958 --> 00:07:35,559 You think that we may have gone over budget a bit? 219 00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:37,161 - Seriously, chill out. - Don't worry. Come on! 220 00:07:37,162 --> 00:07:38,295 - Enjoy the night! - All right! 221 00:07:38,296 --> 00:07:39,963 [LAUGHS] 222 00:07:39,964 --> 00:07:41,365 - He's so uptight. - What a stick in the mud. 223 00:07:41,366 --> 00:07:42,966 When have we ever blown anything? 224 00:07:42,967 --> 00:07:44,634 Oh! Glad I made it! 225 00:07:44,635 --> 00:07:47,304 Oh, wow! Look at this place! [CHUCKLES] 226 00:07:47,305 --> 00:07:48,772 Shoemaker, chips and salsa? 227 00:07:48,773 --> 00:07:50,774 What, do you think this is... Your son's T-ball game? 228 00:07:50,775 --> 00:07:52,176 This is New York City salsa. 229 00:07:52,177 --> 00:07:53,310 - New York City?! - New York City?! 230 00:07:53,311 --> 00:07:55,579 It's artisanal. It's from Brooklyn. 231 00:07:55,580 --> 00:07:56,980 Okay, I hope your auction item 232 00:07:56,981 --> 00:07:58,782 is a bit more upscale, Shoemaker. 233 00:07:58,783 --> 00:08:01,318 In case you haven't noticed, this is a high-end event. 234 00:08:01,319 --> 00:08:02,986 - Dealin' Dave is here. - Yeah. 235 00:08:02,987 --> 00:08:04,922 What?! The used car baron? 236 00:08:04,923 --> 00:08:06,924 I've gone to prison twice. 237 00:08:06,925 --> 00:08:08,458 Now, I don't know if that gets in the way 238 00:08:08,459 --> 00:08:09,527 of trying to get a car... 239 00:08:09,528 --> 00:08:10,728 - Excuse me. - Okay. 240 00:08:10,729 --> 00:08:12,863 Oh, man! I'm sorry. 241 00:08:12,864 --> 00:08:16,200 I-I've just been so just caught up with this baby thing. 242 00:08:16,201 --> 00:08:18,001 I-I haven't had time to do anything. 243 00:08:18,002 --> 00:08:19,869 - Typical right-wing bullshit. - Mm-hmm. 244 00:08:19,870 --> 00:08:22,472 More concerned about the welfare of an unborn child 245 00:08:22,473 --> 00:08:24,408 than the dying child right here in front of us. 246 00:08:24,409 --> 00:08:27,077 Yeah. Get it together before the auction, Shoemaker. 247 00:08:27,078 --> 00:08:29,146 - You're a monster. - These are really good. 248 00:08:29,147 --> 00:08:30,948 Have you tried the lamb meatballs? 249 00:08:30,949 --> 00:08:31,949 [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] 250 00:08:31,950 --> 00:08:33,751 [SLOW FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYS] 251 00:08:33,752 --> 00:08:35,152 Oh! 252 00:08:35,153 --> 00:08:36,886 [FEEDBACK WHINES, TAPPING] 253 00:08:36,887 --> 00:08:39,223 That's on. Okay! Here we go, folks. 254 00:08:39,224 --> 00:08:45,095 Welcome, everyone, to An Evening for Marcus. 255 00:08:45,096 --> 00:08:46,830 We're gonna have some fun tonight. 256 00:08:46,831 --> 00:08:49,567 Oh! Let's rip it wide open. Here we go. 257 00:08:49,568 --> 00:08:51,835 Our first item up for bid was donated 258 00:08:51,836 --> 00:08:55,239 by Smoot High School's very own Abbey Logan. 259 00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:56,640 Abbey, get out here! 260 00:08:56,641 --> 00:08:59,376 What Abbey has donated... This is neat. 261 00:08:59,377 --> 00:09:03,513 It's a "Library Ride Along" experience. 262 00:09:03,514 --> 00:09:04,582 So you'd spend the day 263 00:09:04,583 --> 00:09:07,451 amidst the thrilling sights and sounds 264 00:09:07,452 --> 00:09:09,358 of the Smoot Library. 265 00:09:10,121 --> 00:09:12,189 Let's open up the floor for bidding. 266 00:09:12,190 --> 00:09:15,325 [CHUCKLES] Let's start at, uh, $4. 267 00:09:15,326 --> 00:09:16,860 Anyone? 268 00:09:16,861 --> 00:09:18,462 MAN: $800! 269 00:09:18,463 --> 00:09:21,398 - Sold! - [CHUCKLES] See? 270 00:09:21,399 --> 00:09:24,134 It's me! Danny Trebin! 271 00:09:24,135 --> 00:09:26,936 Hello, faculty member Dan Trebin! No. 272 00:09:26,937 --> 00:09:29,139 We have two spectacular 273 00:09:29,140 --> 00:09:32,142 Terrestrial Seasonings gift baskets! 274 00:09:32,143 --> 00:09:33,210 Coach Fairbell 275 00:09:33,211 --> 00:09:36,146 has, uh, donated some of his favorites 276 00:09:36,147 --> 00:09:39,283 from his collection of rare and unusual toys. 277 00:09:39,284 --> 00:09:42,286 A day of free I.T. help! 278 00:09:42,287 --> 00:09:46,356 Mr. Payton is offering a producer's credit 279 00:09:46,357 --> 00:09:48,425 on Marcus' upcoming rap album, 280 00:09:48,426 --> 00:09:51,561 which is features on and also produces. 281 00:09:51,562 --> 00:09:53,230 Mm! 282 00:09:53,231 --> 00:09:56,166 Yo, this track is called "Fucket List." 283 00:09:56,167 --> 00:09:57,635 Okay, Marcus. 'Cause I'm a motherfucking pigeon heart 284 00:09:57,636 --> 00:09:59,036 - Uh-oh! Dangerous. - Drop top won't stop 285 00:09:59,037 --> 00:10:00,504 - Oh. - Kill a cop, hip-hop 286 00:10:00,505 --> 00:10:01,705 - I need some space. - Motherfucking pigeon heart 287 00:10:01,706 --> 00:10:02,840 - Here we go! - I never miss a shot 288 00:10:02,841 --> 00:10:04,107 - Element of hip-hop! - Sup, motherfucker? 289 00:10:04,108 --> 00:10:05,475 - Bodies pilin' up - Turn that off. 290 00:10:05,476 --> 00:10:06,844 - Pucker up and kiss your ass goodbye - Freak beats! 291 00:10:06,845 --> 00:10:07,978 - There we go. It's off! - Freak beats! 292 00:10:07,979 --> 00:10:09,313 - And it's off! - Ohh. 293 00:10:09,314 --> 00:10:11,181 We're wiping hard drives. We're stocking fun people. 294 00:10:11,182 --> 00:10:12,516 Getting rid of Hydra and saying hi to old friends. 295 00:10:12,517 --> 00:10:13,851 We're hacking Twitter accounts. 296 00:10:13,852 --> 00:10:15,118 Getting Twitter accounts and posting some coupons. 297 00:10:15,119 --> 00:10:17,187 We are gonna buy cars with other people's credit cards. 298 00:10:17,188 --> 00:10:19,056 - Buy cars. It's good to buys cars. - Many Ferraris. 299 00:10:19,057 --> 00:10:20,190 $85. 300 00:10:20,191 --> 00:10:21,525 Anybody, $85? $90? 301 00:10:21,526 --> 00:10:22,993 $90. [CALLING] 302 00:10:22,994 --> 00:10:24,061 Anybody going to $95? $95! [CALLING] 303 00:10:24,062 --> 00:10:25,062 Identity theft... 304 00:10:25,063 --> 00:10:26,530 - I'm good at that. - You can get identity... 305 00:10:26,531 --> 00:10:27,797 You can prevent someone from getting your identity. 306 00:10:27,798 --> 00:10:29,799 - She's willing... - You can take someone's identity. 307 00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:32,069 - Sold! - [APPLAUSE] 308 00:10:32,070 --> 00:10:34,604 You're getting a hand-woven basket! 309 00:10:34,605 --> 00:10:37,741 Someone made this! $150! 310 00:10:37,742 --> 00:10:39,943 Folks, I think we're still not playing hardball yet! 311 00:10:39,944 --> 00:10:41,345 - Oh, my God! - No! 312 00:10:41,346 --> 00:10:42,880 - What is that?! - No! 313 00:10:42,881 --> 00:10:44,348 This is a Rocky Dennis doll! 314 00:10:44,349 --> 00:10:45,483 - Oh! - It's not for sale! 315 00:10:45,484 --> 00:10:47,417 I don't even know how he got in the box! 316 00:10:47,418 --> 00:10:49,419 - 1,200 bucks! - $1,200. Sold. Leslie. 317 00:10:49,420 --> 00:10:50,954 - Fantastic. - No, wait! No, he's not for sale! 318 00:10:50,955 --> 00:10:52,089 Yes, he is! She just bought him! 319 00:10:52,090 --> 00:10:53,823 - No! He's mine! - No, he's not! 320 00:10:53,824 --> 00:10:55,959 - Leslie, get him! - That's my doll! 321 00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:57,427 Give me that, you freak! 322 00:10:57,428 --> 00:10:58,562 [CALLING] 323 00:10:58,563 --> 00:10:59,963 Anybody on the left side, on the right side? 324 00:10:59,964 --> 00:11:01,098 Going once, going twice! 325 00:11:01,099 --> 00:11:03,633 Hey, did your wife get those free from work, Sweens? 326 00:11:03,634 --> 00:11:05,169 Sold, $205! 327 00:11:05,170 --> 00:11:07,104 Oh, I'm not... I'm not bidding. I'm heckling. 328 00:11:07,105 --> 00:11:09,639 329 00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:13,310 If there's one thing that I've learned from the... 330 00:11:13,311 --> 00:11:15,512 [FEEDBACK WHINES] 331 00:11:15,513 --> 00:11:18,582 From the story of the first Christmas, 332 00:11:18,583 --> 00:11:21,318 it's to go big or go home! 333 00:11:21,319 --> 00:11:25,122 So I will be auctioning off 334 00:11:25,123 --> 00:11:30,327 the right to name my unborn child! 335 00:11:30,328 --> 00:11:31,328 [FEEDBACK WHINES] 336 00:11:31,329 --> 00:11:33,531 [AUDIENCE MURMURS, LIGHT APPLAUSE] 337 00:11:33,532 --> 00:11:35,866 How about $50? 338 00:11:35,867 --> 00:11:38,135 Okay. Do we have $55? 339 00:11:38,136 --> 00:11:39,469 - $55! - Whoa! 340 00:11:39,470 --> 00:11:41,271 - Do I have $65? - There it is. 341 00:11:41,272 --> 00:11:43,073 - $500! - What?! 342 00:11:43,074 --> 00:11:45,743 - $500, sold to Dealin' Dave! - Boom! 343 00:11:45,744 --> 00:11:47,277 Local celebrity! 344 00:11:47,278 --> 00:11:50,214 Located on Brighton Boulevard, Denver, Colorado. 345 00:11:50,215 --> 00:11:51,881 - Just past the Coliseum. - Hey. 346 00:11:51,882 --> 00:11:54,017 We had a couple ideas in mind for a boy. 347 00:11:54,018 --> 00:11:55,037 Agh! 348 00:11:55,038 --> 00:11:56,754 - [THUDS] - [ALL GASPING] 349 00:11:56,755 --> 00:11:59,356 Yeah, they only made 43 of these babies 350 00:11:59,357 --> 00:12:02,025 till the Parental Advisory Council 351 00:12:02,026 --> 00:12:03,693 took them off the market. 352 00:12:03,694 --> 00:12:04,962 Apparently, kids were cuddling, 353 00:12:04,963 --> 00:12:07,765 and their faces were getting ripped up by the braces. 354 00:12:07,766 --> 00:12:08,899 All right. 355 00:12:08,900 --> 00:12:10,500 Can I just give it one more hug? 356 00:12:10,501 --> 00:12:14,304 Oh, don't you have some other weird shit at home to hug? 357 00:12:14,305 --> 00:12:15,505 Not like Rock! 358 00:12:15,506 --> 00:12:17,374 - All right. [CHUCKLES] - Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 359 00:12:17,375 --> 00:12:18,909 - It's over $15,000! - Oh, my God! Yes! 360 00:12:18,910 --> 00:12:20,844 - Whoa! - Ha ha! 361 00:12:20,845 --> 00:12:22,580 - [CELLPHONE CHIMES] - That's what I'm talking about! 362 00:12:22,581 --> 00:12:23,913 - Good job, man! - [LAUGHS] 363 00:12:23,914 --> 00:12:25,249 - [APPLAUSE] - MAN: What are we applauding? 364 00:12:25,250 --> 00:12:28,051 QUINN: It's the credit card company. 365 00:12:28,052 --> 00:12:31,855 Did you people charge over 10 grand to throw this gala? 366 00:12:31,856 --> 00:12:33,657 - What? God. - No. Absolutely not. 367 00:12:33,658 --> 00:12:37,461 I specifically said we had a budget of $1,400. 368 00:12:37,462 --> 00:12:39,129 - Yeah. - And that's exactly what I spent. 369 00:12:39,130 --> 00:12:40,464 - I spent $1,400. - Yeah, me, too. 370 00:12:40,465 --> 00:12:42,132 That was $400. That was $700. 371 00:12:42,133 --> 00:12:44,001 Not $1,400 each. 372 00:12:44,002 --> 00:12:45,335 - Ohh. - Oh. 373 00:12:45,336 --> 00:12:46,736 That's something we should have clarified 374 00:12:46,737 --> 00:12:47,871 prior to any of this. 375 00:12:47,872 --> 00:12:51,809 Oh. Okay. We netted $5,000. 376 00:12:51,810 --> 00:12:54,077 - God. No! - [SIGHS] 377 00:12:54,078 --> 00:12:55,945 Wait a second. $15,000... 378 00:12:55,946 --> 00:12:58,748 That is the exact grand prize amount 379 00:12:58,749 --> 00:13:01,151 for Burt Crandall's "12 Weeks of Holiday Lights" contest! 380 00:13:01,152 --> 00:13:02,219 - What?! - What?! 381 00:13:02,220 --> 00:13:03,753 Wait. Why didn't you tell us 382 00:13:03,754 --> 00:13:05,489 about the prize money before we did this auction? 383 00:13:05,490 --> 00:13:09,026 Well, because that's not what the contest is about, Abbey! 384 00:13:09,027 --> 00:13:10,694 Let's do it! Let's let it ride! 385 00:13:10,695 --> 00:13:12,496 Let's take this $5,000 386 00:13:12,497 --> 00:13:15,499 and turn it into a beautiful twinkling strand of 15 large! 387 00:13:15,500 --> 00:13:16,967 - Yes! Yes! - We can do this! 388 00:13:16,968 --> 00:13:18,368 - We can do this! - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 389 00:13:18,369 --> 00:13:20,638 - What? - You are betting Marcus' life 390 00:13:20,639 --> 00:13:23,373 on whether or not Burt Crandall 391 00:13:23,374 --> 00:13:25,123 - likes our Christmas lights or not? - Yeah. 392 00:13:25,124 --> 00:13:26,844 I could not have said it better myself. 393 00:13:26,845 --> 00:13:28,312 That is a horrible idea. 394 00:13:28,313 --> 00:13:30,180 You know what, Steven? 395 00:13:30,181 --> 00:13:33,317 I'm tired of you and your war on Christmas. 396 00:13:33,318 --> 00:13:35,385 - Hey! No, that's what it is. - That's not fair. 397 00:13:35,386 --> 00:13:36,920 - Yes, it is. - Enough! 398 00:13:36,921 --> 00:13:38,989 If there's one thing I've learned from Jesus Christ, 399 00:13:38,990 --> 00:13:41,058 it's that one guy with 12 friends 400 00:13:41,059 --> 00:13:42,993 who don't ask any questions... 401 00:13:42,994 --> 00:13:44,061 They can accomplish anything. 402 00:13:44,062 --> 00:13:46,464 - Whoa, look at that. - Look at Marcus. 403 00:13:46,465 --> 00:13:47,731 LOREN: Look at the heart on this kid. 404 00:13:47,732 --> 00:13:49,733 - Pigeon-sized, my ass. - Mm. 405 00:13:49,734 --> 00:13:52,470 Marcus, buddy, you don't have to clean up. 406 00:13:52,471 --> 00:13:53,937 I just want to help. 407 00:13:53,938 --> 00:13:56,006 Nobody ever done anything like this for me. 408 00:13:56,007 --> 00:13:59,009 Well, I got some news for you... We're not done yet, okay? 409 00:13:59,010 --> 00:14:01,545 So you just go out there and YOLO like I to'd-yo. 410 00:14:01,546 --> 00:14:04,281 Suck the marrow out of every last day you have, bud. 411 00:14:04,282 --> 00:14:05,549 YOLO, bud. 412 00:14:05,550 --> 00:14:07,485 Y'all are crazy... 413 00:14:07,486 --> 00:14:08,686 Crazy nice. 414 00:14:08,687 --> 00:14:10,020 [LAUGHTER] 415 00:14:10,021 --> 00:14:12,089 Well, we better get decorating. Yeah. 416 00:14:12,090 --> 00:14:14,892 This is gonna be a Smoot Holiday Coincidence! 417 00:14:14,893 --> 00:14:16,026 - [CHUCKLES] - [COUGHS] 418 00:14:16,027 --> 00:14:17,094 - Oh, geez. - Oh, God! 419 00:14:17,095 --> 00:14:18,295 I got you, bud. I got you. 420 00:14:18,296 --> 00:14:20,230 God bless, y'all! 421 00:14:20,231 --> 00:14:21,688 All y'all. 422 00:14:22,958 --> 00:14:25,969 37,000 lights. 423 00:14:25,970 --> 00:14:27,905 Two backup generators. 424 00:14:27,906 --> 00:14:30,374 100 wreaths. That should be 200. 425 00:14:30,375 --> 00:14:31,709 Looking good, Geoffrey. 426 00:14:31,710 --> 00:14:33,043 Oh, thank you. I tell you what... 427 00:14:33,044 --> 00:14:35,179 When meteorologist Burt Crandall sees this, 428 00:14:35,180 --> 00:14:37,247 he will not be disappointed. 429 00:14:37,248 --> 00:14:38,648 430 00:14:38,649 --> 00:14:40,117 [HORN HONKS] 431 00:14:40,118 --> 00:14:41,919 [CHUCKLING] Oh! Sweens. 432 00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:44,654 Rockin' the convertible in 47 degrees, huh? 433 00:14:44,655 --> 00:14:46,189 Bold choice. 434 00:14:46,190 --> 00:14:47,916 Mr. Payton, when the sun comes out, the top goes down. 435 00:14:47,917 --> 00:14:48,926 Nope. 436 00:14:48,927 --> 00:14:50,594 Listen, I was thinking about what you were saying, 437 00:14:50,595 --> 00:14:53,263 and, uh, perhaps I did overlook Marcus a bit, 438 00:14:53,264 --> 00:14:55,198 and it wouldn't be the holiday season 439 00:14:55,199 --> 00:14:56,800 if I didn't go a step further. 440 00:14:56,801 --> 00:14:59,336 So you're gonna give him the car from "Stuart Little." Cool. 441 00:14:59,337 --> 00:15:00,871 Ha, ha, very funny. 442 00:15:00,872 --> 00:15:02,206 I was listening to that rap he was doing 443 00:15:02,207 --> 00:15:03,673 about his bucket list, 444 00:15:03,674 --> 00:15:05,543 and I was thinking I would take him for a spin 445 00:15:05,544 --> 00:15:07,411 in a classic Miata, you know? 446 00:15:07,412 --> 00:15:09,813 Let him feel the exhilaration of four cylinders. 447 00:15:09,814 --> 00:15:10,881 Well, yeah. 448 00:15:10,882 --> 00:15:13,483 Well, thanks for coming around, Sweens. 449 00:15:13,484 --> 00:15:15,953 You know, in a different world, 450 00:15:15,954 --> 00:15:18,288 I could really see you and me being friends. 451 00:15:18,289 --> 00:15:21,158 But these were the cards we were dealt, so, you know... 452 00:15:21,159 --> 00:15:22,689 [FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYS] 453 00:15:22,690 --> 00:15:26,496 - Okay. - Oh, my God! What the hell is this? 454 00:15:26,497 --> 00:15:29,166 This is an inclusive, non-denominational nativity scene. 455 00:15:29,167 --> 00:15:31,701 No, it's not. This is the nativity scene 456 00:15:31,702 --> 00:15:33,703 from the front window of an Old Navy. 457 00:15:33,704 --> 00:15:35,238 I'm sorry if I don't want to participate 458 00:15:35,239 --> 00:15:37,775 in shoving a belief system down people's throats. 459 00:15:37,776 --> 00:15:42,179 Okay, so you decided to put an American flag hijab 460 00:15:42,180 --> 00:15:43,847 on a wise man 461 00:15:43,848 --> 00:15:45,583 at the birth of what appears to be 462 00:15:45,584 --> 00:15:47,317 a Native American Jesus Christ. 463 00:15:47,318 --> 00:15:48,852 - Yeah? Why not? - Oh, I don't know. 464 00:15:48,853 --> 00:15:50,053 Let's start with a couple reasons here. 465 00:15:50,054 --> 00:15:51,321 Oh, I'd love to hear them. 466 00:15:51,322 --> 00:15:53,523 One, there wasn't a United States of America. 467 00:15:53,524 --> 00:15:56,259 Two, there wasn't even an Islam! 468 00:15:56,260 --> 00:15:58,328 You know, they have a word in Japan 469 00:15:58,329 --> 00:16:00,530 for the experience of driving a Miata. 470 00:16:00,531 --> 00:16:01,999 It's "Jinba Ittai," 471 00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:04,201 which means "the rider and the horse are one." 472 00:16:04,202 --> 00:16:06,203 Yeah. No, that's a real sweet ride. 473 00:16:06,204 --> 00:16:08,205 - [CLICKS TONGUE] - Maybe I'll get one someday. 474 00:16:08,206 --> 00:16:10,474 475 00:16:10,475 --> 00:16:12,676 [GEARSHIFT CLICKS] 476 00:16:12,677 --> 00:16:14,077 You know something, Marcus? 477 00:16:14,078 --> 00:16:15,879 We're in the safety of a parking lot. 478 00:16:15,880 --> 00:16:17,414 How would like to take the wheel? 479 00:16:17,415 --> 00:16:20,951 Yo, for real? 'Cause I don't have a license, Mr. Sweens. 480 00:16:20,952 --> 00:16:23,553 Well, what's that one thing that Mr. Payton always says? 481 00:16:23,554 --> 00:16:24,688 Don't talk to cops. 482 00:16:24,689 --> 00:16:26,290 What? Does he really say that to you? 483 00:16:26,291 --> 00:16:28,558 Yeah. Every day. Call a lawyer first. 484 00:16:28,559 --> 00:16:30,427 No, I meant YOLO. 485 00:16:30,428 --> 00:16:33,230 Oh, yeah. Yeah, he says that, too. 486 00:16:33,231 --> 00:16:36,366 Well, Marcus... take the wheel. 487 00:16:36,367 --> 00:16:37,701 YOLO. 488 00:16:37,702 --> 00:16:39,503 You don't think he believes in pussy power? 489 00:16:39,504 --> 00:16:41,905 I do not think that Joseph believes in pussy power! 490 00:16:41,906 --> 00:16:42,906 Joseph does! He... 491 00:16:42,907 --> 00:16:45,242 And I don't recall there ever being 492 00:16:45,243 --> 00:16:47,311 "Coexist" bumper stickers on camels! 493 00:16:47,312 --> 00:16:49,246 Oh, so now you're bigoted against camels?! 494 00:16:49,247 --> 00:16:51,649 - Billy Shoemaker. - Oh! 495 00:16:51,650 --> 00:16:53,517 Hey, Tampa. What are you doing here? 496 00:16:53,518 --> 00:16:56,053 Oh, hey! I heard you sold our baby's name! 497 00:16:56,054 --> 00:16:58,588 No, no, no, no, no. But just hear me out. 498 00:16:58,589 --> 00:17:00,257 I auctioned the name. 499 00:17:00,258 --> 00:17:01,725 He probably doesn't even remember. 500 00:17:01,726 --> 00:17:03,060 - He was hammered. - Oh, of course you were. 501 00:17:03,061 --> 00:17:04,794 Oh! Thank you, Abbey. 502 00:17:04,795 --> 00:17:06,730 503 00:17:06,731 --> 00:17:07,998 I got to tell you, Fairbell. 504 00:17:07,999 --> 00:17:10,067 I think we really got a shot with this. 505 00:17:10,068 --> 00:17:11,335 Whatever. 506 00:17:11,336 --> 00:17:12,802 You're not still upset 507 00:17:12,803 --> 00:17:14,204 about that stupid Rocky Dennis doll, are you? 508 00:17:14,205 --> 00:17:15,939 Hey! It wasn't a stupid doll, okay? 509 00:17:15,940 --> 00:17:18,141 He was number-one toy bud, and I sold him. 510 00:17:18,142 --> 00:17:20,810 Look at this way, Fairbell... If you're extra good this year, 511 00:17:20,811 --> 00:17:23,213 maybe Santa will bring you a new one, huh? 512 00:17:23,214 --> 00:17:25,282 Loren, I'm 52 years old. 513 00:17:25,283 --> 00:17:26,616 I know how Santa works. 514 00:17:26,617 --> 00:17:28,886 - You're 52 years old? - The news is here! 515 00:17:28,887 --> 00:17:31,021 - Burt Crandall! - Here's here! 516 00:17:31,022 --> 00:17:32,222 - Burt! Burt Crandall! - The news is here! 517 00:17:32,223 --> 00:17:33,423 - Burt! - Oh, my God! 518 00:17:33,424 --> 00:17:35,825 Hi, trusted meteorologist Burt Crandall. Hi. 519 00:17:35,826 --> 00:17:37,494 This is an absolute pleasure. 520 00:17:37,495 --> 00:17:39,497 I am Principal Geoffrey Quinn. 521 00:17:39,498 --> 00:17:40,561 Okay. 522 00:17:40,562 --> 00:17:41,965 Let me know if I can get you anything... 523 00:17:41,966 --> 00:17:44,301 Eggnog, maybe some gingerbread cookies. 524 00:17:44,302 --> 00:17:45,635 [CHUCKLES] 525 00:17:45,636 --> 00:17:47,971 I'd love a bourbon poured over another bourbon. 526 00:17:47,972 --> 00:17:49,373 Mr. Crandall, I wanted to let you know, 527 00:17:49,374 --> 00:17:50,974 this entire display 528 00:17:50,975 --> 00:17:53,377 is dedicated to a very special young man named Marcus 529 00:17:53,378 --> 00:17:55,112 who needs a transplant for his pigeon heart. 530 00:17:55,113 --> 00:17:57,581 Wait. They're giving a kid a pigeon's heart? 531 00:17:57,582 --> 00:17:58,916 No, no, no, no, no. 532 00:17:58,917 --> 00:18:00,718 He has a very small heart that we call a pigeon heart, 533 00:18:00,719 --> 00:18:02,185 but he needs an actual human-sized... 534 00:18:02,186 --> 00:18:03,653 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. I get it. 535 00:18:03,654 --> 00:18:05,322 All right. You three, scram. 536 00:18:05,323 --> 00:18:06,990 - Santa, stay. - Okay. 537 00:18:06,991 --> 00:18:09,859 - Fred, I need my mic. - I'm not Fred. 538 00:18:09,860 --> 00:18:10,994 Whatever. 539 00:18:10,995 --> 00:18:13,997 Yo! Mr. Sweens, 540 00:18:13,998 --> 00:18:16,734 hey, those Japanese fools know what they're talking about. 541 00:18:16,735 --> 00:18:19,403 Well, just wait until you discover green teas. 542 00:18:19,404 --> 00:18:21,345 Hoo! It's getting cold. 543 00:18:22,473 --> 00:18:25,876 You know something? I'm gonna give you this. 544 00:18:25,877 --> 00:18:27,544 Oh, for real? 545 00:18:27,545 --> 00:18:29,813 Oh, yeah. Oh, man! 546 00:18:29,814 --> 00:18:30,881 547 00:18:30,882 --> 00:18:32,149 All right, Marcus. 548 00:18:32,150 --> 00:18:33,946 - [COUGHS] - See you later. 549 00:18:35,353 --> 00:18:38,355 - Oh, yo, Mr. Sweens... - YOLO, Marcus! 550 00:18:38,356 --> 00:18:39,689 YOLO. 551 00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:44,094 Thanks, Mr. Sweens. 552 00:18:44,095 --> 00:18:45,495 - That's all I was saying! - That's all we wanted! 553 00:18:45,496 --> 00:18:48,165 I know, but I just feel like you were pushing me, and... 554 00:18:48,166 --> 00:18:50,100 [CLEARING THROAT] 555 00:18:50,101 --> 00:18:52,702 - And we're rolling. - [CHUCKLING] Hey, hey, hey. 556 00:18:52,703 --> 00:18:54,772 Burt Crandall, live at Smoot High, 557 00:18:54,773 --> 00:18:57,641 where this year's display carries a special message... 558 00:18:57,642 --> 00:18:59,109 The hope of a heart transplant 559 00:18:59,110 --> 00:19:01,178 for a young student named Marcus. 560 00:19:01,179 --> 00:19:03,513 [CHUCKLES] 561 00:19:03,514 --> 00:19:05,315 Principal Quail, let's see those lights. 562 00:19:05,316 --> 00:19:07,917 [LAUGHING] Okay. Here we go. 563 00:19:07,918 --> 00:19:10,053 3... 2... 1. 564 00:19:10,054 --> 00:19:13,390 [SLOW FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYS] 565 00:19:13,391 --> 00:19:15,459 - Whoo! - Whoa! 566 00:19:15,460 --> 00:19:17,327 - [CHUCKLING] Wow! - God. 567 00:19:17,328 --> 00:19:19,396 - Oh! - Wow! 568 00:19:19,397 --> 00:19:22,532 - Look at that! - Oh! 569 00:19:22,533 --> 00:19:24,534 - That's so beautiful! - Ohhh! 570 00:19:24,535 --> 00:19:27,004 - Billy! Billy! My water broke! - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 571 00:19:27,005 --> 00:19:28,738 Oh, my God! Okay, okay! Oh, my God. 572 00:19:28,739 --> 00:19:30,407 Okay. Everybody stay calm! 573 00:19:30,408 --> 00:19:32,610 - Why don't you sit down? - I'm a former doula! 574 00:19:32,611 --> 00:19:35,078 Oh, my God! Is there a doctor? 575 00:19:35,079 --> 00:19:36,946 - Okay. - Someone call a doctor! 576 00:19:36,947 --> 00:19:39,016 [CHUCKLING] Oh, my. That's fantastic! 577 00:19:39,017 --> 00:19:40,350 Y-Yeah! Yeah. 578 00:19:40,351 --> 00:19:42,953 - You're poppin' out a baby. - Yeah. 579 00:19:42,954 --> 00:19:45,355 These are actors or real people? 580 00:19:45,356 --> 00:19:48,358 They are adult educators. Okay. 581 00:19:48,359 --> 00:19:49,893 Well, they're teaching me how to be human. 582 00:19:49,894 --> 00:19:50,920 Yeah. 583 00:19:50,921 --> 00:19:52,095 BILLY: [IN DISTANCE] You don't know what you're doing! 584 00:19:52,096 --> 00:19:53,230 - I just really... - You're gonna push. 585 00:19:53,231 --> 00:19:54,431 - No, don't push! - You're gonna push! 586 00:19:54,432 --> 00:19:56,099 - Oh, my God! - You're gonna push! 587 00:19:56,100 --> 00:19:58,368 That birth looks so realistic! 588 00:19:58,369 --> 00:20:00,304 It looks real. I mean... Yeah, the entire scene is very accurate. 589 00:20:00,305 --> 00:20:03,507 It's great. I mean, it's like nativity on steroids. 590 00:20:03,508 --> 00:20:05,175 591 00:20:05,176 --> 00:20:07,444 You know, guys, I know I've been a skeptic, 592 00:20:07,445 --> 00:20:08,778 but, tonight, 593 00:20:08,779 --> 00:20:11,114 Smoot really made me believe in something again. 594 00:20:11,115 --> 00:20:12,582 All right, guys. Let's clear out. 595 00:20:12,583 --> 00:20:13,851 I got a report to do. 596 00:20:13,852 --> 00:20:17,120 597 00:20:17,121 --> 00:20:20,658 Folks, in my 23 years of holiday reporting, 598 00:20:20,659 --> 00:20:22,326 this display takes the cake. 599 00:20:22,327 --> 00:20:23,593 - [ALL BREATHING RHYTHMICALLY] - From the gorgeous lights 600 00:20:23,594 --> 00:20:26,664 to the amniotic fluid in the manger, spot-on. 601 00:20:26,665 --> 00:20:27,998 It reminds us all 602 00:20:27,999 --> 00:20:31,335 that holiday truly is the season of coincidences. 603 00:20:31,336 --> 00:20:32,802 BILLY: Holy Jesus! 604 00:20:32,803 --> 00:20:34,338 I'm Burt Crandall. 605 00:20:34,339 --> 00:20:36,806 [HORN HONKS] MARCUS: Yo! See you later, Sucktown! 606 00:20:36,807 --> 00:20:38,808 - [TIRES SCREECH] - Oh, what was that? 607 00:20:38,809 --> 00:20:40,744 - Oh, wow. - My Miata! 608 00:20:40,745 --> 00:20:42,480 Wait, my keys... They were in the jacket. 609 00:20:42,481 --> 00:20:44,548 The keys were in the jacket! Marcus stole my Miata! 610 00:20:44,549 --> 00:20:45,949 The pigeon kid from the sign? 611 00:20:45,950 --> 00:20:47,284 No way. What is this pigeon thing that keeps coming up? 612 00:20:47,285 --> 00:20:49,019 That is clearly a misunderstanding. 613 00:20:49,020 --> 00:20:51,221 [CELLPHONE CHIMES] See? See? This is him texting me right now. 614 00:20:51,222 --> 00:20:52,556 It says "YOLD." 615 00:20:52,557 --> 00:20:54,157 - What does "YOLD" mean? - I don't know! 616 00:20:54,158 --> 00:20:55,292 - [CELLPHONE CHIMES] - Oh, wait. There's another one. 617 00:20:55,293 --> 00:20:56,894 - "YOKE"? - Eggs. 618 00:20:56,895 --> 00:20:59,163 Yeah, maybe he's out getting eggs or something. Mm-hmm. 619 00:20:59,164 --> 00:21:00,764 - Okay, okay, okay. - Okay. 620 00:21:00,765 --> 00:21:03,367 - That was my bad. I had that coming. - Get out of the way! 621 00:21:03,368 --> 00:21:05,302 [CELLPHONE CHIMES] Oh, no, here's another one. "YOYO"? 622 00:21:05,303 --> 00:21:06,704 He's racing to buy yo-yos. 623 00:21:06,705 --> 00:21:07,705 - Oh! - It's Christmas. 624 00:21:07,706 --> 00:21:09,439 You think he's out buying yo-yos? 625 00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:11,709 - It's a classic gift. - He could be buying yo... 626 00:21:11,710 --> 00:21:13,577 Oh, here's another one. This is longer. 627 00:21:13,578 --> 00:21:15,845 "Damn autocorrect got me thinking 628 00:21:15,846 --> 00:21:18,848 'bout switchin' to Samsung, for real though." 629 00:21:18,849 --> 00:21:20,184 - Okay. Okay. - Oh, my God, what is that? 630 00:21:20,185 --> 00:21:21,585 - Oh, God. - Okay. 631 00:21:21,586 --> 00:21:22,720 He shouldn't be texting and driving. 632 00:21:22,721 --> 00:21:23,921 He should keep his eyes on the road! 633 00:21:23,922 --> 00:21:25,389 [CELLPHONE CHIMES] Oh! YOLO! 634 00:21:25,390 --> 00:21:26,856 TOGETHER: Oh! That's what he's trying to text. 635 00:21:26,857 --> 00:21:27,991 Makes a lot of sense. 636 00:21:27,992 --> 00:21:29,727 - I always encourage him to YOLO. - Yes. 637 00:21:29,728 --> 00:21:31,205 And the texts just abruptly stopped, so he's fine. 638 00:21:31,206 --> 00:21:32,217 Wait. What? 639 00:21:32,218 --> 00:21:34,798 I'm just getting word of a horrific car crash. 640 00:21:34,799 --> 00:21:37,201 - Oh, no. - Involving a Mini. 641 00:21:37,202 --> 00:21:39,803 - Oh, thank God. - Scratch that... a Miata. 642 00:21:39,804 --> 00:21:41,695 - Ohh! - Oh, snap, bro. 643 00:21:41,696 --> 00:21:42,740 Damn it! 644 00:21:42,741 --> 00:21:46,410 It's a girl! It's a baby girl! 645 00:21:46,411 --> 00:21:47,477 Ah! Oh! 646 00:21:47,478 --> 00:21:49,179 Ohh! I wish it was a boy. 647 00:21:52,683 --> 00:21:53,951 [WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER P.A.] 648 00:21:53,952 --> 00:21:57,020 - All right, I've got some information. - Okay. 649 00:21:57,021 --> 00:21:59,022 The good news is Marcus is okay. 650 00:21:59,023 --> 00:22:00,357 - Yes! - All right. 651 00:22:00,358 --> 00:22:01,691 - Oh, that's great! - That is great news. 652 00:22:01,692 --> 00:22:04,694 Yeah. The bad news is he was speeding and texting, 653 00:22:04,695 --> 00:22:06,897 jumped a curb, and ended up killing a pedestrian. 654 00:22:06,898 --> 00:22:08,365 - Oh, my God. That's terrible. - That is bad news. 655 00:22:08,366 --> 00:22:11,368 But the good news is the pedestrian was an organ donor 656 00:22:11,369 --> 00:22:14,438 and an exact match for his heart transplant. 657 00:22:14,439 --> 00:22:16,574 - That's pretty good news. - That's really good. 658 00:22:16,575 --> 00:22:18,776 But the bad news is, Marcus is going to jail 659 00:22:18,777 --> 00:22:20,710 without question for quite a long time. 660 00:22:20,711 --> 00:22:23,447 He was, uh, not cooperating with the police. 661 00:22:23,448 --> 00:22:24,714 That's pretty bad news. 662 00:22:24,715 --> 00:22:26,584 But the good news is 663 00:22:26,585 --> 00:22:29,186 the state now has to pay for his operation. 664 00:22:29,187 --> 00:22:30,988 - That's pretty good news. - [CHUCKLING] Okay. 665 00:22:30,989 --> 00:22:32,923 Oh, and, also, the pedestrian he hit 666 00:22:32,924 --> 00:22:34,592 was our lunch lady, Sandy. 667 00:22:34,593 --> 00:22:35,993 I didn't know if that was like 668 00:22:35,994 --> 00:22:37,461 a good news or a bad news kind of thing. 669 00:22:37,462 --> 00:22:39,129 She was the only one who ever listened to me. 670 00:22:39,130 --> 00:22:40,264 LOREN: That woman was as cold as the food she served. 671 00:22:40,265 --> 00:22:41,331 It's like, "Give me another scoop. 672 00:22:41,332 --> 00:22:42,866 It's not your money, Sandy." Yeah. 673 00:22:42,867 --> 00:22:44,868 - It's like, "Get over yourself." - Right. 674 00:22:44,869 --> 00:22:46,536 Anyways, we've got the prize money, 675 00:22:46,537 --> 00:22:49,206 so we could put that towards Marcus' legal defense... 676 00:22:49,207 --> 00:22:53,076 I feel like we've done enough for Marcus. 677 00:22:53,077 --> 00:22:55,613 - Yeah. Yeah. - Fairbell, here you are. 678 00:22:55,614 --> 00:22:58,148 Hey, I sold that creepy little doll of yours 679 00:22:58,149 --> 00:22:59,817 for 10 grand online! 680 00:22:59,818 --> 00:23:01,218 Is that fantastic? 681 00:23:01,219 --> 00:23:04,921 So I got you this. A little thank-you gift. 682 00:23:06,557 --> 00:23:07,958 Ugh. 683 00:23:07,959 --> 00:23:10,360 - Oh, God. - Don't you like it? 684 00:23:10,361 --> 00:23:11,495 Like it? 685 00:23:11,496 --> 00:23:12,562 [CHUCKLING] I love it! 686 00:23:12,563 --> 00:23:14,031 - All right! - Cuddle bud! 687 00:23:14,032 --> 00:23:15,098 Get it away from me! 688 00:23:15,099 --> 00:23:16,967 Get it away! Get it away! 689 00:23:16,968 --> 00:23:19,102 - Fairbell. Fairbell! - No! No! 690 00:23:19,103 --> 00:23:20,504 Get that away from Tammy! Get... [DOOR OPENS] 691 00:23:20,505 --> 00:23:22,306 Hey. Guys. 692 00:23:22,307 --> 00:23:23,573 TOGETHER: Aww! 693 00:23:23,574 --> 00:23:25,643 I wanted to introduce you 694 00:23:25,644 --> 00:23:29,313 to the newest member of the Shoemaker family. 695 00:23:29,314 --> 00:23:30,314 Aww. 696 00:23:30,315 --> 00:23:32,049 That's little baby 697 00:23:32,050 --> 00:23:34,718 Dealin' Dave Chrysler-Jeep-Kia. 698 00:23:34,719 --> 00:23:35,986 Yeah. Yeah. 699 00:23:35,987 --> 00:23:38,722 And I want to thank you, Abbey, for all your help. 700 00:23:38,723 --> 00:23:41,992 This truly is the greatest Christmas gift of them all. 701 00:23:41,993 --> 00:23:44,594 [CHUCKLES] Holiday. 702 00:23:44,595 --> 00:23:46,901 The greatest holiday gift of all. 703 00:23:46,902 --> 00:23:47,931 Thank you. 704 00:23:47,932 --> 00:23:50,200 Great! I'm being sued. 705 00:23:50,201 --> 00:23:51,268 They don't consider the car stolen 706 00:23:51,269 --> 00:23:52,670 because I actually gave Marcus the keys. 707 00:23:52,671 --> 00:23:54,538 Well, that's why I keep saying YOLO, Steven. 708 00:23:54,539 --> 00:23:55,673 You know, you only live once, 709 00:23:55,674 --> 00:23:58,075 so it's important to do so very carefully. 710 00:23:58,076 --> 00:24:01,144 ANCHOR: Coming up, Smoot High back in the cross hairs 711 00:24:01,145 --> 00:24:04,882 as a guidance counselor puts a 15-year-old behind the wheel 712 00:24:04,883 --> 00:24:07,685 of a candy apple red soft-top street missile, 713 00:24:07,686 --> 00:24:09,887 taking the life of a beloved lunch lady. 714 00:24:09,888 --> 00:24:12,489 All this on the same night they win 715 00:24:12,490 --> 00:24:14,358 what will now be the final edition 716 00:24:14,359 --> 00:24:15,693 of Burt Crandall's 717 00:24:15,694 --> 00:24:18,362 "12 Weeks of Holiday Lights" contest. 718 00:24:18,363 --> 00:24:20,297 Was it your child driving the car? 719 00:24:20,298 --> 00:24:22,099 Find out after the break. 720 00:24:22,100 --> 00:24:23,500 - [BABY CRYING] - TOGETHER: Aww! 721 00:24:23,501 --> 00:24:25,235 Oh, oh! 722 00:24:25,236 --> 00:24:26,904 This truly is... 723 00:24:26,905 --> 00:24:28,565 - [CRYING CONTINUES] - [FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYS] 724 00:24:28,566 --> 00:24:31,108 A Smoot Holiday Coincidence. 725 00:24:31,109 --> 00:24:32,675 726 00:24:32,725 --> 00:24:37,275 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 53776

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