Original subtitles

[ROCK INSTRUMENTAL OF DECK THE HALLS PLAYING]

BIG SHOW TODAY.

YOU BETCHA, BUDDY.

IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS.

OH, LET ME HELP YOU WITH THAT, BILLY.

THANKS, JIMMY.

GOD REST YE, MERRY GENTLEMEN.

MORNING.

HI.

I'M GONNA PUT ON 5 POUNDS LOOKING AT THIS TABLE.

I KNOW, I KNOW. WE NEED CAROL.

I HAVE TO GO TALK TO HAL.

THEN I'LL GET HER.

WISH ME LUCK.

Man: YOU HAVE TO STOP BLAMING THE REST OF THE WORLD FOR YOUR MISTAKES.

IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU TOOK RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE

AND LOOKED FOR A WAY TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT.

YEAH, THAT OUGHT TO SHUT HER UP!

Man on TV: LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS, YOU MAKE LEMONADE.

YOU DON'T WHINE AND MOAN ABOUT GETTING LEMONS.

YOU'VE GOT TO STOP CRYING.

YOU'VE GOT TO STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF.

AND REMEMBER THAT IF YOU DON'T

TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE,

NOBODY ELSE IS GOING TO DO IT FOR YOU.

FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF

NEVER SOLVED ANY PROBLEMS.

LIFE PRESENTS US WITH LOTS OF CHOICES.

ALONG THE WAY, WE GET TO MAKE SOME GOOD CHOICES

AND SOME REALLY AWFUL ONES.

REMEMBER, THE MAN UPSTAIRS IS KEEPING TRACK.

AND SO WE'VE GOT TO BE SURE THAT THE GOOD CHOICES

OUTWEIGH THE BAD CHOICES,

OR...YOU WON'T BE HAPPY

WITH WHAT HE'S GOT IN STORE FOR YOUR THE FUTURE.

I'M DR. BOB, AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

HE IS SO FULL OF IT.

I SHOULD INCORPORATE SOME OF THAT DOUBLE-TALK INTO MY SHOW.

SEEMS LIKE A LOT OF CLICHES TO ME.

YEAH. WELL, THOSE CLICHES HAVE MADE HIM MILLIONS.

YOU SHOULD BE SO LUCKY.

HOW ABOUT THE CAMERA OPERATORS?

WHAT'D I GET THEM LAST YEAR?

UH, SOAP.

OBVIOUSLY THEY'VE GONE THROUGH IT.

HAVE YOU STOOD NEXT TO ONE OF THEM LATELY?

SOUND CREW? SOAP.

UH, MAKEUP.

NOW, THEY DO MAKE ME LOOK GOOD,

SO MAYBE YOU SHOULD GET THEM SOMETHING A LITTLE BIT NICER.

NAH. WHAT WAS I THINKING? IT'S NOT THAT HARD. SOAP.

HOW ABOUT THE OFFICE STAFF?

GOD, ROBERTA...

AREN'T YOU SENSING A TREND HERE?

[SIGHS]

YOU'RE MY ASSISTANT.

ASSIST ME AND FINISH THE LIST YOURSELF.

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

"THE MAYOR HAS ANNOUNCED THAT THIS YEAR'S

"GOOD GUY OF THE YEAR AWARD

"IS BEING PRESENTED TO JOHN JOYCE.

"JOYCE FOUNDED THE CENTRAL VALLEY FOOD PANTRY

AND MEALS ON WHEELS PROGRAM."

DID I TELL YOU I USED TO DATE THIS GUY?

YEAH, YOU'VE MENTIONED IT A FEW TIMES.

I'M SURE HE TALKS A LOT MORE ABOUT ME THAN I TALK ABOUT HIM.

I HAVE A FEELING HE NEVER REALLY GOT OVER OUR BREAKUP.

WHY HE'D RATHER SPEND TIME WITH SMELLY OLD HOMELESS PEOPLE THAN ME,

I'LL NEVER KNOW.

WHATEVER.

CAN YOU IMAGINE ME LADLING SOUP

TO SOME GUY THAT LIVES OUT OF A SHOPPING CART?

NOT REALLY.

SPEAKING OF SHOPPING,

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? GO SHOP.

UM, WELL, I'M JUST GONNA GO PICK UP LILY FROM THE SITTER,

AND I'LL GET RIGHT ON IT.

LILY THIS, LILY THAT.

REMEMBER WHO PAYS YOUR SALARY, MS. TIMMONS--

ME OR THAT 10-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER OF YOURS?

CAROL, WE NEED YOU OUT ON SET

TO GO OVER A COUPLE OF THINGS.

WE GO LIVE AT 3:00.

LOOK, IT WASN'T MY IDEA

TO DO A LIVE CHRISTMAS EVE SHOW.

IT WAS HAL'S. IN FACT, I HATE THAT IDEA.

SO GO OUT THERE AND TELL THAT EXECUTIVE PRODUCER OF OURS

I'LL BE OUT WHEN I'M GOOD AND READY.

OK. GOT IT.

UH, AT THE END OF THE SHOW,

WE'RE GONNA BRING OUT A GROUP OF FOSTER KIDS

AND GIVE THEM A CHRISTMAS LIKE THEY'VE NEVER HAD.

WE GOT BIKES, TOYS, VIDEO GAMES,

ALL SORTS OF STUFF.

DON'T THOSE MARINES OR FIREMEN

COLLECT TOYS FOR THOSE KIDS?

WHY ARE WE SPENDING THE MONEY?

IT'S CHRISTMAS.

OH, BAH, HUMBUG.

NO ONE EVER DID ANYTHING LIKE THAT FOR ME

WHEN I WAS A KID.

JIMMY!

WHEN I GET OUT ON SET, I DON'T WANT TO SEE ONE TOY.

YOU GOT THAT?

GOT IT.

[SIGHS]

ALWAYS KEEP THEM WAITING.

THAT'S WHAT YOU TAUGHT ME, AUNT MARLA.

YOU GOTTA SHOW 'EM WHO'S BOSS.

ONLY WAY THEY'LL RESPECT YOU.

WHY MORGAN MADDOX?

SHE DOESN'T EXACTLY SCREAM CHRISTMAS, DOES SHE?

MORGAN'S A GOOD GUEST FOR THE HOLIDAY SHOW.

SHE ALWAYS HAS GREAT STORIES

ABOUT THE CHARITIES SHE WORKS WITH.

'TIS THE SEASON.

FOR THE PAST FEW YEARS, SHE'S HELPED

SERVE CHRISTMAS MEALS AT A SHELTER.

YEAH.

WELL, SHE'S HAD A LOT OF FREE TIME ON HER HANDS

EVER SINCE MY SHOW, THE TILLYS OF BEL AIR

KNOCKED HER PATHETIC SHOW OFF THE SCHEDULE.

NOW, THAT'S A GOOD STORY.

CAROL... WE ALSO HAVE A, UM,

SPECIAL GUEST.

WHAT KIND OF "SPECIAL GUEST"?

SOMEONE HAL BOOKED.

[SCOFFS]

THE WORLD'S LARGEST SANTA CLAUS.

OH, MY GOD.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? HE'S IMMENSE.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

EVERYBODY LOVES JOLLY OLD ST. NICK.

YOU DON'T GET ANY JOLLIER THAN THAT.

LOOK AT HIM. HE'S GOT NO LAP, HAL.

WHERE ARE THE KIDS SUPPOSED TO SIT?

HO HO HO HO. THAT'S GOOD.

USE THAT WHEN YOU INTERVIEW HIM.

NO. I'M NOT INTERVIEWING HIM.

WELL, I'M THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER OF THE SHOW, AND I SAY YOU ARE.

HE'S A JOKE! YEAH, YEAH--

A JOKE THAT EVERYBODY'S GONNA TALK ABOUT.

LOOK, IF MARLA WAS STILL AROUND,

YOU WOULDN'T BE GETTING AWAY WITH THIS!

IF MARLA WAS STILL AROUND, THERE'D BE 2 OF THEM.

FINE. LIKE ANYONE'S GONNA BELIEVE

ONLY 8 REINDEER COULD PULL THAT GUY AROUND.

ANOTHER GOOD ONE.

IS ANYONE WRITING THIS STUFF DOWN?

SIS.

IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT. DON'T WORRY.

NOW, SANTA, WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO HERE WITH YOU TODAY,

IS WE'RE GONNA HAVE A NICE...

CAN YOU BELIEVE THEM? THEY WANT ME TO SIT ONSTAGE

WITH SOME FAT SANTA.

OHH! UHH!

YOU KNOW, IT WOULD BE A SHAME

TO HAVE TO GO HOME AND TELL YOUR FAMILY

THAT YOU LOST YOUR JOB ON CHRISTMAS EVE, WOULDN'T IT?

PICK ALL THIS UP. NOW.

COME ON.

I FIGURED YOU'D SHOW UP.

YOU ALWAYS DO AROUND THE HOLIDAYS.

WHAT'D YOU GET YOUR LITTLE SISTER?

ACTUALLY, THOSE ARE FROM LINDSEY AND TYLER

FOR THEIR AUNT CAROL.

WHAT IS THIS?

A ROCK.

IT'S NOT JUST A ROCK. IT'S A PAPERWEIGHT.

TYLER MADE IT IN PRESCHOOL ESPECIALLY FOR YOU.

LOOK, "MERRY CHRISTMAS TO AUNT CAROL."

OK, WHAT ELSE?

OH, A ROCK HOLDER.

NO, IT'S A JEWELRY BOX.

LINDSEY WROTE "AUNT CAROL'S JEWELRY BOX" ALL BY HERSELF.

AND, LOOK, SHE EVEN LINED IT IN FELT.

WOW.

THEY MADE THOSE.

WELL...

I GUESS IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS, ISN'T IT?

DO TELL THEM THANK YOU.

[RINGING]

HI.

CHRISTMAS EVE, HONEY.

WON'T BE LONG UNTIL SANTA'S HERE.

WHEN DOES YOUR CHRISTMAS START?

SOON. I JUST HAVE A LITTLE MORE WORK TO DO FOR CAROL.

HOW COME YOU SPEND MORE TIME DOING THINGS FOR CAROL

THAN YOU DO WITH ME?

IT'S MY JOB, SWEETHEART.

[SIGHS]

I ALSO CAME BY TO INVITE YOU

TO CHRISTMAS EVE DINNER TONIGHT.

THANKS. I DON'T THINK SO.

CAROL, I MEAN, THIS IS THE SAME THING EVERY YEAR.

I INVITE YOU. YOU DON'T COME.

COME ON. THE KIDS WOULD REALLY LOVE TO SEE YOU.

SORRY. BUSY.

CAROL, MOM AND DAD AREN'T WITH US ANYMORE.

WE'RE THE ONLY FAMILY WE HAVE LEFT,

AND CHRISTMAS IS A TIME FOR FAMILIES.

YOU HAVE OWN FAMILY NOW,

AND I LOST MINE A LONG TIME AGO.

I REALLY WISH YOU WOULDN'T BE THIS WAY.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, HONEY.

YEAH. WHATEVER.

HOW ABOUT THIS?

WHY DON'T WE GO GET SOME ICE CREAM

BEFORE WE HEAD BACK TO THE STUDIO?

[CELL PHONE RINGING] AY-YI-YI.

HELLO?

YOU'RE NOT BACK.

I'M ALMOST FINISHED.

Carol: FINE. BEFORE YOU GET BACK,

CAN YOU PICK UP A COUPLE OF PRESENTS FOR MY NIECE AND NEPHEW?

NO PROBLEM. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO GET THEM?

HOW SHOULD I KNOW? YOU'RE THE ONE WITH A KID.

GET SOMETHING A KID WOULD LIKE.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

AND DON'T SPEND MORE THAN 20 BUCKS EACH.

GOT IT? GOT IT.

MAKE IT QUICK. I NEED YOU HERE.

[BEEPS]

NO ICE CREAM, HUH?

NOT TODAY.

BUT I PROMISE I'LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU, OK?

IN THE MEANTIME,

I HAVE A VERY SPECIAL ASSIGNMENT

THAT I DON'T THINK I CAN DO WITHOUT YOU.

SURE. WHAT DO YOU NEED ME TO DO?

HELP ME PICK OUT SOME AWESOME TOYS

FOR CAROL'S NIECE AND NEPHEW?

OK. HOW MUCH? 20 BUCKS.

I DON'T KNOW HOW AWESOME THEY'LL BE FOR 20 BUCKS,

BUT WE'LL TRY OUR BEST.

NO. NO.

DISGUSTING. NASTY.

NEVER. UHH!

ARE THESE ALL MY CHOICES?

JIMMY-- HOW ABOUT THESE?

I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU! THIS IS IT?

I THOUGHT THEY WERE NICE.

NICE?

NICE IS FOR HOUSEWIVES AND GRADE-SCHOOL TEACHERS.

I WANT TO LOOK FABULOUS.

WELL, FABULOUS WILL HAVE TO WAIT

FOR THE NEW YEAR'S SHOW.

FINE.

WHICH ONE DO YOU LIKE?

WELL, THE RED ONE WITH THE SNOWMAN.

IT JUST SAYS CHRISTMAS.

I'LL WEAR THE GREEN.

I WOULDN'T BE CAUGHT DEAD IN THAT ONE.

GO. GO.

HOW LONG TILL THE SHOW?

WELL, WE HAVE LUNCH, TECHNICAL RUN-THROUGH,

AND THEN THE AUDIENCE IN A LITTLE OVER 3 HOURS.

FINE.

I'M GOING TO LIE DOWN,

AND DON'T DISTURB ME UNTIL IT'S TIME.

OH! SORRY!

YOU AGAIN.

IF I SEE YOU ONE MORE TIME TODAY,

YOU'RE FIRED!

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?

CAROL, HE UNDERSTANDS YOU PERFECTLY.

DON'T YOU?

THERE'S NO PROBLEM HERE.

Crew member: SORRY, JIMMY.

YOU CAN'T LET HER FIRE ME.

WHAT ARE YOU ALL LOOKING AT?

GET BACK TO WORK,

UNLESS YOU WANT TO JOIN THIS KLUTZ

ON THE SOON-TO-BE UNEMPLOYED LINE.

THAT'S A LOT OF COOKIES.

TAKE IT FROM AN EXPERT,

THE TREES ARE MUCH BETTER THAN THE CANDY CANES.

[GIGGLES]

I THINK YOU'RE GONNA BE VERY HAPPY WITH THAT CHOICE.

I ALREADY AM.

HEY. Roberta: HI.

HOW'S IT GOING?

OK, I GUESS. CHRISTMAS WITH CAROL

IS NOT THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF YEAR.

WELL, WORKING FOR CAROL,

THERE IS NO MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR.

NO, I'LL GET INTO THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT

ONCE I'M DONE WITH HER

AND I CAN FOCUS ON LILY.

WELL, WE'RE STILL GOING TO THE CHRISTMAS TREE LOT

AFTER THE SHOW, RIGHT?

I CAN'T WAIT.

I'M GONNA GET YOU GUYS THE BIGGEST TREE

THEY HAVE LEFT.

I REALLY APPRECIATE ALL YOU DO FOR US, JIMMY,

BUT LILY AND I ARE GONNA BUY A TREE WE CAN AFFORD.

I'LL LET YOU BUY YOUR OWN TREE.

BUT I CAN STILL GET YOU GUYS A PRESENT

TO PUT UNDER THE TREE, RIGHT?

WELL...

LET HIM, MOM.

I HAVE TO GET BACK TO CAROL.

MOM, I WANT TO COME!

Jimmy: HEY, LILY.

MAYBE WE SHOULD STAY HERE

AND SEE IF WE CAN'T DO SOME MORE DAMAGE

TO THIS COOKIE PLATE.

SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.

[MOUTHS WORDS]

YOU GONNA SHARE THIS WITH ME?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

ARE YOU ALONE?

YES, MA'AM.

Carol: GOOD.

I DIDN'T REALIZE IT WAS BRING

THE TINY TIMMONS TO WORK DAY.

YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD BE A PROBLEM,

IT BEING THE CHRISTMAS SHOW AND ALL.

WELL, YOU THOUGHT WRONG.

LOOK, IT'S NOT THAT I HATE KIDS.

WELL, NOT EXACTLY FOND OF THEM.

BUT HER BEING HERE KEEPS YOU FROM GIVING ME

YOUR UNDIVIDED ATTENTION.

THAT'S NOT ACCEPTABLE, OK?

I'M SORRY.

APOLOGY ACCEPTED.

HERE'S YOUR TEA,

AND I'LL JUST WRAP UP THESE GIFTS,

AND I'LL BE ON MY WAY.

I WANT TO REST NOW.

BUT IF I DON'T WRAP THE PRESENTS,

YOU WON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO HAND OUT AFTER THE SHOW.

WELL, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE WAITED TILL THE LAST MINUTE.

BUT WE JUST FINISHED THE LISTS--

YOU CAN WRAP THEM AFTER THE SHOW

AND DELIVER THEM LATER ON.

IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE.

I'M SUPPOSED TO BE SPENDING IT WITH LILY.

YOU WILL...

DELIVERING GIFTS.

YOU'RE THE BOSS.

THAT'S RIGHT.

NOW, I WANT TO GET A NAP IN BEFORE THE SHOW.

DON'T WAKE ME TILL 3:00.

OK.

P.A.: ELECTRIC, LINE 2. PLEASE PICK UP.

SOMEBODY FROM ELECTRIC, PICK UP LINE 2.

[SIGHS] IT'S GOTTEN SO BAD,

YOU HAVE TO HOLD THEIR HAND EVERY MINUTE.

[WIND HOWLING]

FIRE! FIRE!

WHY DIDN'T ANYONE WAKE ME?

I'M ONLY THE STAR OF THE FRIGGIN' SHOW!

Woman, echoing: CAROL CARTMAN.

CAROL CARTMAN.

CAROL CARTMAN.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE

YOUR FAVORITE AUNT?

WHAT?

[CHAINS RATTLING]

WHOA.

AUNT MARLA? IS THAT YOU?

THE ONE AND ONLY. [SNAPS FINGERS]

SORRY. I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU.

THANKS.

WELL, YOU DO LOOK KIND OF PALE.

I'M DEAD. YOU'D LOOK PALE, TOO.

WHEEEEE!

I'M HERE TO HELP YOU, LOVEY.

EXCUSE ME?

NOW LISTEN CAREFULLY.

I'M DOOMED TO WANDER THE EARTH LIKE THIS

BECAUSE OF ALL THE ILL WILL

I SPREAD WHEN I WAS ALIVE.

ILL WILL?

MY MISTREATMENT OF OTHERS.

I'M HERE TO WARN YOU, CAROL CARTMAN

AND TO SPARE YOU A SIMILAR FATE.

YOU TAUGHT ME HOW TO TREAT OTHERS.

HELLO! AM I NOT MAKING MYSELF CLEAR?

[ECHOING] I WAS WRONG!

ABOUT WHAT?

ABOUT EVERYTHING.

I PUSHED YOU AND PUSHED YOU AND PUSHED YOU

AND PUSHED YOU AND TURNED YOU INTO--

WELL, ME.

YOU MADE ME A STAR.

I HAD ANOTHER WORD IN MIND, BUT IT RHYMES WITH "RICH."

[GASPS]

LOOK, SURE, WE HAD SOME GOOD TIMES.

I MEAN THE MONEY, THE HOUSES,

THE EXTRAVAGANT LIFESTYLE.

YOU MAKE IT SOUND SO HORRIBLE.

THE ONLY THING HORRIBLE ABOUT IT

WAS HOW WE DID IT.

WE DID IT AT THE EXPENSE OF FRIENDS, OF FAMILY,

OF LOVE.

WELL, IT'S TOO LATE FOR ME, CAROL,

BUT IT'S NOT TOO LATE FOR YOU.

YOU STILL HAVE TIME TO CHANGE YOUR WAYS,

TO SAVE YOURSELF, TO REDEEM YOUR LIFE.

BE NICE.

WHAT? [SCOFFS]

NO, THIS--

THIS GOES AGAINST EVERYTHING THAT YOU TAUGHT ME.

I KNOW. I KNOW.

EVERYTHING I DID FOR YOU WAS WRONG,

WHICH IS WHY I'M HERE TO WARN YOU.

YOU'RE BEING GIVEN A GIFT, CAROL.

YOU WILL BE VISITED BY 3 SPIRITS.

THE FIRST, AT THE STROKE OF 12:00.

[ECHOING] THE STROKE OF 12:00!

12.

Marla: 12.

HEED MY WARNING.

HEED MY WARNING.

[ECHOING] HEED MY WARNING.

Marla: HEED MY WARNING.

HEED MY WARNING.

HEED MY WARNING.

HEED MY...

SO THEN SHE SAID SHE NEEDED 3 MORE.

QUICK!

Crew member: OW!

P.A.: JIMMY TO CRAFT SERVICE, PLEASE.

JIMMY TO CRAFT SERVICE.

P.A.: ART DEPARTMENT, DELIVERY AT THE OFFICE.

ART DEPARTMENT, YOU HAVE A DELIVERY AT THE OFFICE.

BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY.

WHAT DID ROBERTA PUT IN THAT TEA?

TOO WEIRD.

OH, TOO WEIRD.

[WIND HOWLING]

[RADIO PLAYING JINGLE BELLS INSTRUMENTAL]

I ALWAYS LOVED THAT SONG.

WHO ARE YOU?

I'M THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST.

DIDN'T AUNT MARLA TELL YOU I WAS COMING?

NO, NO, NO, NO.

I RECOGNIZE YOU.

YOU'RE THE GUY THAT USED TO HAVE THAT TV SHOW

WHEN YOU WERE A KID.

LITTLE PETE.

YEAH. I USED TO WATCH THAT SHOW.

YOU'RE A FAN?

I SAID I WATCHED IT. I DIDN'T SAY I LIKED IT.

HOW LONG DID THAT TILLYS SHOW OF YOURS RUN?

5 YEARS.

MINE RAN FOR 7 YEARS,

SO DROP THE ATTITUDE.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO YOU?

I GREW UP.

WELL-- HEH. I GREW OLDER.

THERE'S NOT MUCH WORK FOR A MIDDLE-AGED ACTOR

WHOSE EVEN TOO SMALL TO BE A JOCKEY.

BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME.

WE'RE HERE TO TALK ABOUT YOU.

THAT'S OK. NOT NECESSARY.

I SAID THE SAME THING, BUT I GOT OVERRULED.

IT WAS A CLOSE VOTE, THOUGH.

ALL THAT MATTERS IS YOU'VE BEEN GIVEN

A GREAT GIFT, MS. CARTMAN.

LOOK, I'M A LITTLE BUSY, SO...

[THUNDER]

[BOOMING VOICE] TOO BUSY TO SAVE YOUR SOUL FROM ETERNAL DAMNATION?!

OK, YEAH. MAYBE I CAN GIVE YOU A COUPLE MINUTES.

THAT THUNDER THING ALWAYS WORKS.

TAKE MY HAND, CAROL CARTMAN.

WHY?

IN ORDER TO ALTER YOUR FUTURE,

WE MUST GO BACK TO YOUR PAST.

PLEASE TAKE MY HAND.

COME. COME ON.

COME ON... LEFT...

RIGHT... THAT'S IT.

WE HAVE A LOT OF WORK TO DO.

[RECORD PLAYER PLAYING HARK! THE HERALD ANGELS SING INSTRUMENTAL]

OH, MY GOD!

Carol: THAT'S GRANNY GRESHWALK.

THAT'S MY THIRD-GRADE TEACHER!

HI, MRS. GRESHWALK.

Christmas past: OH, SHE CAN'T HEAR YOU.

WE'RE JUST SPIRITS VISITING THE SHADOWS OF YOUR PAST.

IT'S ME.

[DOOR OPENS]

SORRY I'M LATE!

LOVEY...

WOULD YOU COME HERE FOR A MINUTE?

WHAT ARE YOU HOLDING?

MYRRH?!

OUTRAGEOUS.

THE LEAST THAT OLD BAG COULD'VE DONE

WAS GIVE YOU THE GOLD.

MYRRH.

THIS IS AN INSULT I WILL NOT STAND FOR.

I'D LIKE A MOMENT OF YOUR TIME.

Marla: UGH, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

Christmas past: QUITE A CHARACTER, THAT AUNT MARLA.

SHE WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO BELIEVED IN ME.

WITH HER AS AN EXAMPLE,

I CAN SEE WHY WE'RE HERE TODAY.

WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

JUST WATCH.

Marla: I WILL CONTINUE TO FUND THE SCHOOL.

ALL RIGHT? IS EVERYBODY HAPPY?

Carol: WHAT IS SHE SO SAD ABOUT?

I WAS TWICE THE VIRGIN MARY SHE COULD HAVE BEEN.

YOU'RE RIGHT. BUT THAT LITTLE GIRL'S MOTHER DIED THE YEAR BEFORE.

MS. GRESHWALK WAS JUST TRYING TO GIVE HER A PROMINENT ROLE

TO RAISE HER SPIRITS A LITTLE.

OH.

GOOD NEWS, SWEETIE.

YOU'RE GOING TO BE THE VIRGIN MARY.

BUT, AUNT MARLA,

THERESA'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE VIRGIN MARY,

AND...

SHE'S CRYING.

OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.

BETTER SHE LEARNS ABOUT DISAPPOINTMENT EARLY IN LIFE.

BUT I DON'T EVEN KNOW THE PART.

SO, WE'LL WORK ON IT AFTER SCHOOL TODAY

FOR AS LONG AS IT TAKES.

BUT THERE'S A CHRISTMAS PARTY AFTER SCHOOL.

YOU'LL HAVE PLENTY OF TIME FOR OTHER PARTIES, KIDDO.

YOU DO WHAT I SAY,

AND YOUR WHOLE LIFE WILL BE A PARTY.

I DON'T KNOW.

LISTEN TO ME.

I DIDN'T WANT TO TELL YOU THIS,

BUT YOUR MOTHER AND FATHER TOLD ME

THAT IF YOU DIDN'T GET THE LEAD

IN THE SCHOOL PLAY THIS TIME,

THAT THEY WERE NOT GOING TO ALLOW YOU

TO CONTINUE YOUR ACTING LESSONS.

MOMMY AND DADDY WOULDN'T DO THAT.

OH, YES, THEY WOULD.

NOW, THEY DON'T BELIEVE IN YOU THE WAY I DO.

THEY THINK IT'S A WASTE OF TIME AND MONEY

TO ALLOW YOU TO PURSUE YOUR DREAMS.

THEY DO?

NOW, YOU ARE GOING TO BE THE BEST VIRGIN MARY,

AND YOU ARE GOING TO GO UP THERE AND PROVE TO EVERYONE

JUST HOW SPECIAL YOU REALLY ARE.

OK? GO. SKEDADDLE.

SO, YOU WERE THE BIG HIT THE NIGHT OF THE PLAY.

I WAS GREAT.

GOT A STANDING OVATION.

YOU LIKED THAT.

LIKED IT? I LOVED IT.

Carol: BUT THE OTHER KIDS DIDN'T LIKE WHAT HAPPENED.

WELL, I'M SURE YOU MUST'VE MADE

YOUR PARENTS VERY PROUD.

[SCOFFS] THEY DIDN'T COME.

THEY WERE WORKING.

SOUNDS TO ME LIKE THEY WERE BUSY PROVIDING YOU

WITH THE MEANS TO PURSUE YOUR DREAMS.

LOOK, AUNT MARLA WAS THE ONLY ONE

WHO WAS ALWAYS THERE FOR ME.

AND SHE WAS RIGHT TO FORCE MRS. GRESHWALK

TO MAKE ME THE VIRGIN MARY.

IF IT WAS UP TO MY PARENTS,

I WOULD'VE BEEN THAT LOUSY MYRRH GUY.

THEY WERE NEVER THERE FOR ME THE WAY SHE WAS.

LOOK, THEY WERE ONLY TRYING TO MAKE YOU HAPPY,

TO HELP YOU SUCCEED.

YOU KNOW, THEY SACRIFICED A LOT TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN.

YEAH. LIKE WHAT?

WELL, LIKE LETTING THE DAUGHTER THEY LOVED DEARLY

GO OFF AND SPEND MORE TIME WITH HER AUNT

THAN WITH THEM.

THAT SOUNDS PRETTY UNSELFISH TO ME.

SO, DO YOU REMEMBER THIS PLACE?

HOW COULD I FORGET IT?

THE KNOLLWOOD COMMUNITY PLAYHOUSE.

IT'S WHERE I HAD MY FIRST PROFESSIONAL ACTING JOB.

Carol: IT WAS ALL PART OF AUNT MARLA'S PLAN.

SHE'D GET ME IN SMALL THEATERS WITH BIG PARTS,

AND THEN SHE'D GET ME NOTICED.

AH.

I SEE ONE THING SHE HADN'T PLANNED ON.

Carol, whispering: So, then I'll wait for him to cross me, yeah.

That feels better. I think so.

I think--

THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME I LAID EYES ON JOHN JOYCE.

HE CAME TO PICK UP SOME OLD COSTUMES

THE THEATER WAS DONATING

TO THE HOMELESS SHELTER HE WORKED AT.

MY FRIEND BRIDGET

KNEW HIM FROM THE SHELTER.

SHE INTRODUCED US.

LOOKS LIKE YOU TWO REALLY HIT IT OFF.

YOU THINK?

HE ASKED ME OUT THAT DAY.

[SIGHS]

AND A LOT OF DAYS AFTER THAT.

[SONG BEGINS]

♪ WHAT'S THE SENSE IN HOLDING ON? ♪

♪ WHEN I CAN LET GO, I CAN LET GO ♪

♪ WHAT'S THE USE IN GOING OUT ♪

♪ WHEN IT'S NOTHING BUT SNOW, JUST SNOW? ♪

♪ EVERYONE THAT PASSES BY

♪ NEVER FELT THE WAY I FEEL RIGHT NOW ♪

♪ YOU ONLY GET ONE CHANCE, AND IF YOU LET IT GO ♪

♪ YOU LET IT GO

♪ I COULD FLY ANYWHERE

♪ BUT THIS IS WHERE I LAND ♪

♪ YOU COULD JUST TAKE HIGHWAY 1 ♪

♪ AND STOP TO SMELL THE SAND ♪

♪ IT'S ANOTHER LIFE WE PLANNED ♪

♪ AND HERE I AM

[SONG ENDS]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

I NEVER MET ANYONE QUITE LIKE YOU.

REALLY?

REALLY.

MY WHOLE LIFE, SOMEONE'S BEEN

TELLING ME WHAT TO DO,

WHAT CLASS TO TAKE, WHAT SHOW TO BE IN.

LET ME GUESS. AUNT MARLA.

YOU'RE THE FIRST PERSON WHO HAS EVER ASKED ME

WHAT I WANT TO DO, WHAT I CARE ABOUT.

AND NO ONE'S EVER ASKED ME TO HELP SERVE SOUP

TO PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T EATEN IN DAYS.

FEELS PRETTY GOOD, DOESN'T IT?

NOT BAD.

COME HERE.

THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE THAT I WANT TO ASK YOU.

[PAGER BEEPING]

OH.

OH, MY GOD. LOOK WHAT TIME IT IS.

I HAVE TO GET TO THE THEATER.

CAROL, I--

I'M SORRY. CAN IT WAIT?

TONIGHT THERE'S A CHRISTMAS PARTY AFTER THE SHOW.

I'D LIKE YOU TO COME WITH ME.

THEN AFTER THAT, WE'LL HAVE THE REST

OF THE NIGHT TO OURSELVES.

YEAH. SURE, OK.

GREAT.

I DIDN'T KNOW.

WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE SAID?

Man: HAVE YOU SEEN HER?

Second man: COME ON, HURRY UP.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

I'M SORRY. WE WERE OUT.

DON'T WORRY. I'LL BE READY.

YOU'D BETTER BE.

THIS IS A BIG NIGHT, SWEETIE.

THIS COULD BE THE NIGHT WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

SHH! I'LL TELL YOU AFTER THE SHOW.

BUT TONIGHT YOU'VE GOT TO BE NOT JUST GOOD,

BUT GREAT.

I'M GREAT EVERY NIGHT.

I'LL SEE YOU AFTER THE SHOW.

Marla: YOU'VE BEEN SPENDING

A LOT OF TIME WITH MY NIECE.

YOUR NIECE IS SPENDING A LOT OF TIME WITH ME.

I JUST DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU GET HURT, THAT'S ALL.

[CHUCKLES] I'M A BIG BOY.

IT'S NEVER GONNA WORK OUT, YOU KNOW.

ARE YOU SURE OF THAT?

OH, YES. I KNOW CAROL.

SHE NEEDS TO BE IN THE SPOTLIGHT.

WHAT CAN YOU OFFER HER?

THE CHANCE TO HAND OUT A BLANKET

TO SOME GUY WHO LIVES IN A REFRIGERATOR BOX?

THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN LIFE.

YEAH, TO BE THE GUY LIVING IN THE REFRIGERATOR BOX.

[LAUGHS]

ENJOY YOUR TIME WITH HER WHILE IT LASTS.

YOU'RE NOTHING MORE THAN A BRIEF STOPOVER

ON OUR WAY TO THE TOP.

ARE YOU SO CRUEL THAT YOU'D MAKE HER CHOOSE BETWEEN US?

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

TOUGH LADY.

Marla: COME ON, LET'S GET BACK TO WORK.

SHE WAS ONLY TRYING TO PROTECT ME.

SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT JOHN AND I HAD.

DID YOU?

AUNT MARLA ONLY WANTED WHAT WAS BEST FOR ME.

I COULD TELL.

THAT "OUR WAY TO THE TOP" WAS A DEAD GIVEAWAY.

Marla: NOW SHE'S GONE AGAIN? HAS ANYONE SEEN CAROL?

♪ WELL, IT'S A CALIFORNIA CHRISTMAS ♪

♪ AND IT'S THE BEST TIME OF THE YEAR... ♪

HEY, YOU. HI.

SO, DID YOU LIKE THE SHOW?

THE SHOW WAS AMAZING.

HOW WAS I?

EHH...

OH, STOP.

FANTASTIC.

OH, THANK YOU!

SO, WHAT'D YOU WANT TO ASK ME EARLIER?

WELL, WE CAN'T TALK ABOUT IT HERE.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO WAIT TILL WE'RE ALONE TOGETHER, OK?

WHERE IS THAT NIECE OF MINE?

IF IT WAS UP TO ME, 100 MILES AWAY FROM YOU.

OH, STOP IT.

I KNOW SHE CAN BE A LITTLE PUSHY,

BUT SHE GROWS ON YOU.

OH, I'M SURE SHE WILL.

Marla: LOVEY...

YOU WERE FABULOUS.

IT WAS LIKE YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE ONSTAGE.

WELL, I'M SURE THE OTHER ACTORS

WILL BE TICKLED TO HEAR THAT.

CAROL, SWEETIE,

THERE WAS A TALENT AGENT IN THE AUDIENCE TONIGHT.

YOU SHOULD'VE HEARD HIM RAVING ABOUT YOU.

HIS NAME IS MEL MURRAY.

HE AND SOME OTHER AGENTS ARE HAVING DRINKS

AT A BAR DOWN THE STREET,

AND HE WANTS ME TO BRING YOU OVER TO MEET HIM.

REALLY?

THAT'S GREAT.

HE LOVED YOU, BABY.

HE SAYS YOU HAVE REAL TALENT.

I THINK HE WANTS TO REPRESENT YOU.

JOHN, DID YOU HEAR THAT?

YEAH, THAT'S--

THAT'S GREAT.

I TOLD HIM WE'D COME BY

JUST AS SOON AS YOU WERE CHANGED.

OH, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE PARTY?

CAROL, THIS IS THE BREAK YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR.

THIS IS WHY I'VE GOT YOU WORKING IN A HELLHOLE LIKE THIS.

YEAH, BUT MY FRIENDS.

WE'VE BEEN WORKING REALLY HARD.

AND THERE'LL ALWAYS BE ANOTHER PARTY, KIDDO.

YOU DO WHAT I SAY,

AND YOUR WHOLE LIFE WILL BE A PARTY.

COME ON.

WHO CARES ABOUT YOU MORE THAN I DO, HUH?

OK.

I'LL MEET YOU OUTSIDE.

GREAT.

SWEETHEART, I'M SORRY.

I GOTTA DO THIS.

IT'S WHAT MARLA AND I HAVE BEEN WORKING FOR

MY ENTIRE LIFE.

WHAT YOU WANTED TO ASK ME EARLIER, CAN IT WAIT?

I GUESS IT'LL HAVE TO.

THANKS.

I HAD TO GO WITH MARLA. THIS WAS MY FUTURE.

MAYBE WHAT JOHN WAS GONNA ASK YOU

WAS YOUR FUTURE.

HE NEVER DID ASK ME.

MAYBE HE'S WAITING FOR THE OTHER CAROL

HE FELL IN LOVE WITH TO SHOW UP.

I WONDER IF THAT CAROL EVER DID SHOW UP AGAIN?

LET'S SEE, SHALL WE?

[DRILL WHIRRING]

ARE WE GOING YET?

THE TILLYS OF BEL AIR.

EVERYTHING AUNT MARLA PROMISED CAME TRUE.

I WAS THE STAR OF MY OWN TV SHOW.

DID YOU ENJOY MAKING ALL THESE PEOPLE STAND AROUND FOR YOU?

NOT REALLY. BUT AUNT MARLA SAID,

"ALWAYS KEEP THEM WAITING.

"YOU GOTTA SHOW 'EM WHO'S BOSS.

ONLY WAY TO GAIN RESPECT IN THIS BUSINESS."

DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU

THAT AUNT MARLA COULD BE WRONG?

WELL, SHE HADN'T BEEN WRONG ABOUT ANYTHING UP TO THIS POINT.

NOTHING?

HEY, HOW'S IT GOING? HEY, MAN.

HI.

HEY.

LADIES, HOW ARE YOU? GOOD.

PLEASE, CAROL. EVERYBODY'S WAITING.

LET 'EM WAIT. IT'S THE ONLY THING

THESE IDIOTS AROUND HERE ARE ANY GOOD AT.

[SIGHS]

HEY, RICK, HOW'S IT GOING, BUDDY?

WAITING, AS USUAL.

[GHOST AND CAROL MATERIALIZE]

HI, SWEETHEART.

HI, HONEY.

HELLO, MARLA.

Carol: HEY, GET IN HERE!

JOHN!

John: HEY, HONEY. I KNOW YOU GOTTA GET GOING SOON, BUT--

WOW. YOU LOOK GREAT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

MY MEETING WITH THE CITY FINISHED EARLY.

MWAH!

WE GOT THAT BUILDING FOR THE FOOD PANTRY,

AND THE KITCHEN IS LARGE ENOUGH

THAT WE CAN GET THE MEALS ON WHEELS PROGRAM GOING AS WELL.

THAT IS GREAT.

YEAH. WHOOPEE.

SO, I WAS THINKING MAYBE WE COULD GO OUT TONIGHT

AND CELEBRATE, YOU KNOW?

JUST YOU AND ME.

SHE CAN'T. SHE'S GOT AN INTERVIEW LATER ON,

AND THEN SHE HAS TO GO TO A SCREENING.

CAN YOU SKIP THIS ONE SCREENING, CAROL, PLEASE?

THIS IS A BIG DEAL FOR ME.

WELL, BEING SEEN AT A SCREENING

IS A BIG DEAL FOR HER, TOO.

THEY FORGET ABOUT YOU IN THIS BUSINESS

QUICKER THAN YOU CAN TURN AROUND.

IT'S PRETTY SELFISH OF YOU TO BE THINKING ONLY OF YOURSELF.

TSK TSK TSK TSK!

I'M SORRY, HON. AUNT MARLA'S RIGHT.

PART OF BEING A CELEBRITY IS BEING SEEN.

MARLA, WILL YOU GIVE US A MINUTE, PLEASE?

IT'S OK.

OK. I'LL JUST GO CHECK

ON YOUR LOW-FAT MEAL FOR LUNCH,

AND THEN I'LL COME BACK, AND I'LL GET YOU

WHEN IT'S TIME TO GO TO THE SET.

OK.

WHEN IT'S TIME?

CAROL, EVERYONE IS OUT THERE STANDING AROUND,

WAITING FOR YOU NOW.

I KNOW.

BUT AUNT MARLA SAYS THE LONGER YOU MAKE THEM WAIT,

THE MORE THEY RESPECT YOU.

AND YOU BELIEVE HER?

WELL, OF COURSE I DO.

I WOULDN'T BE WHERE I AM WITHOUT HER.

OK. AND WHAT HAVE YOU HAD TO GIVE UP?

NOTHING. I'VE GIVEN UP NOTHING.

YOU'RE WRONG.

CAROL, YOU'RE NOT THE SAME PERSON THAT I FELL IN LOVE WITH.

THAT'S RIGHT. I'M A STAR NOW.

AND MAYBE THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE REALLY HAVING A PROBLEM WITH.

AUNT MARLA TOLD ME.

WHAT? WHAT DID AUNT MARLA TELL YOU?

THAT I'M JEALOUS OF YOUR FAME AND YOUR MONEY?

WELL, AT LEAST I'M NOT LIVING IN A DREAM WORLD,

THINKING I CAN REALLY MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

IS THAT HOW YOU REALLY THINK OF ME?

I DON'T THINK I CAN DO THIS ANYMORE.

DO WHAT?

I KEEP WAITING FOR THE CAROL THAT I FELL IN LOVE WITH

TO SHOW UP AGAIN.

I'M STARTING TO BELIEVE THAT SHE'S GONE FOREVER.

I SUPPOSE IT JUST TOOK ME A LONG TIME TO REALIZE IT.

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

I GUESS...

GOOD-BYE.

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

THAT WAS SO UNFAIR OF HIM TO MAKE ME CHOOSE.

WHAT DID HE WANT ME TO DO,

JUST DROP EVERYTHING AND RUN AFTER HIM?

[SOBBING]

SHE'S ALL YOURS.

YOU KNOW, I'VE GOTTA ADMIT YOU HUNG AROUND

A LOT LONGER THAN I THOUGHT YOU WOULD.

BUT-- AND DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY,

GOOD RIDDANCE!

I REALLY DO LOVE HER, YOU KNOW.

SHE DOESN'T NEED YOUR LOVE.

AND I WANT WHAT'S BEST FOR HER.

AND I'M THE ONE WHO KNOWS WHAT'S BEST FOR HER.

NO, MARLA, YOU ONLY THINK YOU KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR HER.

SURE, YOU GOT HER HERE, BUT NOW WHAT?

YOU GONNA KEEP PULLING HER STRINGS

FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE,

OR ARE YOU GONNA LET HER LIVE A LITTLE,

MAYBE EVEN LET HER LOVE SOMEONE

OR SOMETHING OTHER THAN HER CAREER?

I GUESS YOU'RE NOT MAN ENOUGH TO STICK AROUND

AND FIND OUT, ARE YOU?

BYE-BYE! HEH HEH!

IF HE HAD LOVED ME, HE WOULDN'T HAVE LEFT.

POP!

WHAT WAS THAT?

ME BURSTING YOUR BUBBLE.

COME ON. YOU'RE GONNA LIKE THIS.

PRIVACY, PLEASE, DRIVER.

YES, SIR.

[SIGHS]

WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?

SAME THING WE'VE BEEN DOING ALL DAY LONG.

WE ARE BUT FLIES ON THE WALL.

DID YOU HAVE TO PARK SO CLOSE TO THE STUDIO?

HUMPH! OH, IT'S TOO BAD THE TILLYS WAS CANCELED.

I THOUGHT FOR SURE IT HAD A COUPLE MORE YEARS IN IT.

WELL, ALL GOOD THINGS

MUST COME TO AN END, RIGHT?

HMM. AND WITH YOUR BRAINS AND BEAUTY,

DELIVERING QUEEN OF MEAN'S NO PROBLEM, RIGHT?

OH, WELL, CAROL WILL DO WHAT WE TELL HER TO DO.

BUT REMEMBER THE PLAN.

WE EASE HER INTO IT.

YEAH, YEAH. WE LET HER

HAVE HER NICE LITTLE TALK SHOW

UNTIL SHE GETS COMFORTABLE WITH IT,

AND THEN WE GRADUALLY MOVE HER

INTO AN AREA THAT REALLY SELLS...

FREAKS. HA HA! HA HA HA!

WELL, YOU ARE GOING TO BE A PRODUCER

ON THE SHOW, MARLA. OH!

HEH HEH! IT'S GONNA MAKE YOU RICH.

THIS IS WHAT I'VE BEEN WORKING FOR SINCE SHE WAS A KID.

WELL, IT'S NICE MEETING SOMEONE

WHO ALWAYS PUTS THE WELFARE OF THEIR CLIENTS FIRST.

HA HA HA! DAY?

YEAH. WE'RE GONNA TAKE DAYTIME TV

AND FLIP IT ON ITS EAR.

I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO ME.

WELL, LIKE YOU SAID,

SHE'S THE ONLY ONE THAT ACTUALLY KNEW

WHAT WAS BEST FOR YOU.

SEEMS LIKE SHE KNEW WHAT WAS BEST FOR HER, TOO.

THAT EXPLAINS THAT FREAK SANTA

HAL'S TRYING TO PUT ON THE CHRISTMAS SHOW.

HE'S TRYING TO MOVE THE SHOW

INTO WHAT HE REALLY WANTS IT TO BE.

THE PEN, THE PEN.

OH. THANK YOU.

ALL THAT TIME...

Hal: IT'S GONNA BE GREAT DOING BUSINESS WITH YOU.

SHE WAS ONLY OUT FOR HERSELF.

Marla: BYE-BYE. KISS-KISS.

CIAO!

[CAR DOOR CLOSES]

[CHURCH ORGAN PLAYING]

MARLA'S FUNERAL.

GOOD TURNOUT.

I'M SO SORRY, CAROL.

YOUR AUNT WAS...

AN UNUSUAL WOMAN.

THANKS, HAL.

I KNOW SHE WAS A TOUGH ONE

FOR OTHER PEOPLE TO GET ALONG WITH.

OH, MAN, SHE--

SHE HAD MY BEST INTERESTS AT HEART, THOUGH.

OF COURSE.

BUT, UH, JUST SO YOU KNOW...

WE'RE GOING TO KEEP THE SHOW GOING

EXACTLY THE WAY YOUR AUNT WANTED.

THANKS, HAL. I APPRECIATE IT.

WHAT A PHONY. PHONY!

YEAH. I'M JUST AS SHOCKED AS YOU ARE.

SOMEBODY WHO'S IN SHOW BUSINESS

THAT TURNS OUT TO BE A PHONY.

HEH.

I WAS SURPRISED THERE WEREN'T MORE PEOPLE AT HER FUNERAL.

ACTUALLY, FOR HER, THIS IS GOOD.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

HEY, YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE

CARING ABOUT NO ONE BUT YOURSELF,

NO ONE THERE TO CARE ABOUT YOU.

I'VE SEEN ENOUGH. TAKE ME BACK.

YEP. YOU LIVE ALONE, YOU DIE ALONE.

OR MAYBE NOT SO MUCH ALONE AS SECLUDED,

ISOLATED, DETACHED, UNLOVED...

TAKE ME BACK. TAKE ME BACK. TAKE ME BACK!

[DISTORTED LAUGHTER]

Dr. Bob: HO HO HO!

WELL, THAT'S IT FOR TODAY.

OH, WHAT A DREAM.

AND FOR ANOTHER YEAR. HO HO HO!

NO MORE GREEN TEA. EVER.

AND I'M OFF TO ENJOY THE HOLIDAYS.

AND SO SHOULD YOU. YES!

AND REMEMBER,

THE HOLIDAYS ARE NOT A TIME TO WALLOW IN PITY.

IT'S A TIME TO CELEBRATE EVERYTHING YOU HAVE IN LIFE,

TO CELEBRATE AND REMEMBER

ALL THE GOOD THINGS.

HO HO HO!

A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL.

[TURNS OFF TV]

YOU TELL THEM, DR. BOB.

YOU TELL THEM WHAT THEY NEED TO HEAR.

[GHOST MANIFESTS]

OHH! I'M NOT TALKING TO THEM, CAROL.

I'M TALKING TO YOU.

DR. BOB?

WELL, ANOTHER TIME, ANOTHER PLACE, DR. BOB.

BUT FOR OUR PURPOSES...

THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT.

OH. WHY AM I NOT SURPRISED?

YOU WERE EXPECTING ME?

OH, I WAS EXPECTING SOMETHING OR SOMEONE,

BUT, NO, NOT YOU.

I BET YOU WEREN'T.

I MEAN, IT MUST BE SCARY FACED WITH THE PROSPECT

OF SEEING THINGS AS THEY REALLY ARE.

WHAT WAS IT YOU SAID ABOUT ME?

UH, TELL THEM WHAT THEY NEED TO HEAR?

THAT'S IT. WELL, CAROL,

YOU GOTTA FACE THE MUSIC, LITTLE LADY.

YOU'VE MADE YOUR BED. NOW YOU GOTTA SLEEP IN IT.

IT'S TIME TO GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY.

DO I ALWAYS SPEAK IN CLICHES LIKE THAT?

PRETTY MUCH.

YOU'D THINK SOMEONE WOULD TELL ME

WHAT I NEED TO HEAR? NO!

"LET'S NOT GET THE BIG FELLA MAD.

LET'S NOT UPSET THE APPLECART. LET-- "

I'M DOING IT AGAIN.

YEAH. I GOTTA WORK ON THAT.

BUT THIS IS YOUR TIME, CAROL.

LET'S GO.

OHH...

COME ON.

UGH.

COME ON-- OH!

OH!

I JUST WASHED MY HANDS,

AND I HAVE THIS FUNNY THING ABOUT TOUCHING PEOPLE.

I KNOW, I KNOW.

IT'S SOMETHING ELSE I GOTTA WORK ON.

I TELL YOU WHAT.

GRAB A HOLD OF THIS SANTA SUIT.

IT'S A RENTAL. IT SHOULD BE OK.

OH! HEH!

OH.

SORRY.

[DOG BARKING]

DON'T TELL ME WE'RE HERE TO DO A CHRISTMAS DRUG DEAL.

THIS IS WHERE YOUR ASSISTANT ROBERTA LIVES.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

YEAH, I'M KIDDING. SHE REALLY LIVES IN BEVERLY HILLS,

AND I JUST LIKE TO COME DOWN HERE

ON CHRISTMAS EVE AND HANG OUT.

WE DON'T HAVE TO GO IN THERE, DO WE?

I MEAN, LOOK AT THAT PLACE.

YOU JUST KNOW THAT THERE ARE COCKROACHES IN THERE.

AND RATS.

AND I HATE RATS.

BUT A PERSON HAS TO DO WHAT A PERSON HAS TO DO.

EVERY JOURNEY BEGINS WITH THE FIRST STEP,

AND-- I'M DOING IT AGAIN, AREN'T I?

LET'S GO.

MOMMY, DO YOU THINK

WE'RE EVER GONNA GET A REALLY BIG CHRISTMAS TREE?

BUT WE'VE ALWAYS HAD A SMALL CHRISTMAS TREE. IT'S OUR TRADITION.

YEAH, WELL, I SAY IT'S TIME TO START A NEW TRADITION

WITH A REALLY BIG TREE.

YOU KNOW WHAT, SWEETIE? WE CAN'T AFFORD A BIG TREE,

SO WHY DON'T WE STICK TO OUR TRADITION, OK?

THAT'S OK, MOMMY.

AS LONG AS WE'RE TOGETHER.

OH, WE'LL ALWAYS BE TOGETHER, BABE.

I LOVE YOU, MOMMY.

MM!

HOW ARE THOSE PRESENTS COMING?

ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT ME TO WRAP THESE?

YOU'RE JUST GONNA TEAR 'EM APART, ANYWAY.

HEH HEH! THAT'S HALF THE FUN.

RIGHT. BUT IF I GET A PAPER CUT,

I'M HOLDING YOU ACCOUNTABLE.

I DON'T KNOW HOW I WOULD'VE GOTTEN

ALL OF CAROL'S PRESENTS DELIVERED

IF IT WASN'T FOR YOUR HELP. THANK YOU.

WELL, THE SOONER WE GOT THAT DONE,

THE QUICKER WE COULD GET OUR OWN CHRISTMAS STARTED.

HEH! HMM!

OHH.

DO YOU THINK THESE ARE GONNA FIT UNDER THE TREE?

I THINK THEY WILL FIT UNDER THE TABLE.

TECHNICALLY, THEY'LL STILL BE UNDER THE TREE.

HOW COULD THEY BE SO HAPPY?

LOOK AT THIS PLACE. THEY HAVE NOTHING.

NOTHING? THEY-- WHAT THEY HAVE

IS MORE VALUABLE THAN GOLD.

WHY DOESN'T JIMMY HELP THEM OUT?

HE MAKES A GOOD LIVING.

WELL, HE'S OFFERED, BUT ROBERTA DOESN'T WANT TO TAKE CHARITY.

WHAT SHE WANTS IS TO PROVE

THAT SHE CAN MAKE IT ON HER OWN,

STAND ON HER OWN 2 FEET,

EARN HER OWN--

DAMN.

THAT'S REALLY ANNOYING, ISN'T IT?

BUT THE OPERATIVE WORD IS "EARN."

IF ONLY SOMEONE WOULD PAY HER

WHAT SHE'S REALLY WORTH.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

I WONDER WHO THAT COULD BE?

MAYBE SANTA'S A LITTLE BIT EARLY.

Jimmy: HE'S NEVER EARLY.

HERE, LET ME PUT THIS ONE HERE.

[POLICE SIREN BLARING]

FRANK.

HI, ROBERTA.

WHO'S THAT?

WATCH.

CAN I COME IN?

IS EVERYTHING OK?

THIS IS FRANK.

[CAR ALARM BLARING]

HI, LILY.

I BROUGHT YOU SOMETHING.

THANK YOU.

HEY, LILY.

WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO OVER TO MRS. MARTEL'S

AND GET SOME OF THAT FAMOUS HOT CHOCOLATE?

THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

HEH!

WHAT DO YOU WANT, FRANK?

I WANT TO SPEND CHRISTMAS WITH MY FAMILY.

AND WHAT FAMILY WOULD THAT BE?

THE FAMILY THAT YOU LEFT BEFORE LILY WAS EVEN BORN?

LOOK, I ADMIT

I MADE A FEW BAD CHOICES.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF GUILT THING

YOU HAVE GOING ON HERE, BUT IT'S TOO LATE.

LOOK AT THIS PLACE, ROBERTA.

IS THIS ANY WAY TO BRING UP A CHILD?

WE'RE DOING JUST FINE, THANK YOU.

ARE YOU? 'CAUSE I DON'T THINK SO.

AND I WANT TO GIVE MY DAUGHTER

SOME OF THE THINGS THAT YOU CAN'T.

YOUR DAUGHTER? YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO CALL HER YOUR DAUGHTER.

LOOK, ROBERTA...

I'VE CHANGED.

I'M MARRIED NOW TO A WONDERFUL WOMAN,

BUT WE CAN'T HAVE CHILDREN...

SO I WANT TO BE BACK IN MY DAUGHTER'S LIFE.

I WANT HER TO BE A PART OF MY FAMILY.

YOU DON'T WANT LILY IN YOUR LIFE FOR HER SAKE.

YOU WANT LILY IN YOUR LIFE FOR YOUR SAKE.

I'M SORRY, ROBERTA,

BUT YOU MAY NOT HAVE A CHOICE.

WHAT'S THIS?

I'M TAKING YOU TO COURT FOR CUSTODY OF LILY.

I'M GONNA GET HER OUT OF ALL OF THIS.

WHAT?

YOU'RE JUST TOO STUBBORN TO SEE

THAT I CAN GIVE HER A BETTER LIFE THAN YOU CAN.

[POLICE SIREN BLARING]

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

HE CAN'T DO THAT, CAN HE?

MAYBE.

ONLY THE FUTURE CAN TELL.

AH-CHOO!

POLLEN.

HOW CAN PEOPLE LIVE WITH SUCH STINKY GRASS

AND FLOWERS AND TREES?

WAIT A MINUTE. THIS LOOKS FAMILIAR.

THIS IS MY SISTER BETH'S HOUSE.

HOW LONG SINCE YOU BEEN HERE?

TOO LONG.

COME ON, LET'S TAKE A PEEK.

WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?

WELL, AFTER WHAT YOU SHOWED ME AT ROBERTA'S,

WHO KNOWS WHAT YOU'RE GONNA SHOW ME NEXT.

I'M SHOWING YOU THE IMPACT THAT YOU HAVE

ON OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES.

YOU KNOW, THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE

WHO GET A GREAT DEAL OF PLEASURE

OUT OF THE SIMPLE THINGS IN LIFE,

AND BELIEVE IT OR NOT,

THEY GET ALONG JUST FINE WITHOUT YOU.

AH-CHOO!

OH! WHOO!

I'M SORRY.

I PROMISE YOU I WILL NOT SHOW YOU

ANYTHING BAD THIS TIME.

PROMISE?

PROMISE. CROSS MY HEART.

COME ON, DAD, PLEASE. CAN'T WE OPEN ALL OUR PRESENTS TONIGHT?

YOU KNOW OUR TRADITION-- ONE ON CHRISTMAS EVE

AND THE REST ON CHRISTMAS DAY.

BUT, DAD, HOW ARE WE GONNA KNOW

WHICH PRESENTS SANTA LEFT BEHIND?

YEAH. WHAT IF OUR REGULAR PRESENTS GET CONFUSED WITH HIS?

MM-HMM.

WE SHOULD REALLY MAKE HIS PRESENTS SPECIAL.

HE DID WORK ALL YEAR TO MAKE THEM.

NICE TRY!

[ALL LAUGHING]

[STUFFED UP] WHAT A WARM AND COZY ROOM.

I CAN ALMOST FEEL THE CHRISTMAS CHEER OUT HERE.

THEY DO LOOK HAPPY, DON'T THEY?

THEY ARE HAPPY.

FOR WHAT?

SMALL HOUSE, 2 KIDS TO WORRY ABOUT,

TONS OF BILLS TO PAY.

HEY, BETH AND JERRY MAY NOT BE MILLIONAIRES,

BUT THERE'S MORE LOVE IN THAT HOUSE

THAN MONEY CAN BUY, AND IN THE END,

ISN'T THAT WHAT'S IMPORTANT?

NOW, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BASTE A TURKEY

WITH ALL THIS LAUGHTER GOING ON IN HERE?

THEY WERE TRYING TO GET ME

TO LET THEM OPEN ALL THE PRESENTS.

NOPE, NOPE! ABSOLUTELY NOT!

I, ON THE OTHER HAND, GET TO OPEN ALL OF MINE.

IT'S A SHAME THAT YOU MISS OUT

ON THIS SORT OF THING EVERY YEAR.

STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP!

I GIVE! I GIVE! I GIVE! OK!

ALL RIGHT. WE GET TO OPEN PRESENTS.

Both: ONE!

IT WAS WORTH A SHOT.

OK, WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT TO OPEN UP?

I WANT TO OPEN AUNT CAROL'S.

ME, TOO. AUNT CAROL'S?

YEAH. REMEMBER WHEN ROBERTA DROPPED THEM BY?

MM-HMM. SHE SAID AUNT CAROL

PICKED THEM OUT ESPECIALLY FOR US.

WE KNOW HER PRESENTS AREN'T THAT GOOD,

BUT SHE'S PRETTY BUSY.

PRETTY BUSY.

AND IF SHE CAN TAKE THE TIME TO GO OUT

AND GET US SOMETHING, WE SHOULD APPRECIATE IT.

YEAH, APPRECIATE IT.

WELL, I AM BUSY.

SURE YOU ARE.

NOT THAT BUSY.

MOM, DID AUNT CAROL LIKE THE PRESENTS WE MADE HER?

OH, HONEY, SHE LOVED THEM.

SHE COULDN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU MADE THEM BY YOURSELF.

TYLER.

YOU DON'T SUPPOSE THERE'S ANY CHANCE

SHE MIGHT BE STOPPING BY TONIGHT?

WOW! A MAGGIE RANDY'S DOLL! I WANTED ONE OF THESE!

MOM, DAD, LOOK AT THIS!

THOSE HAD TO COST MORE THAN $20.

ROBERTA USED SOME OF HER OWN MONEY.

WHY?

TO PROTECT YOU.

SHE DIDN'T WANT THE ONLY FAMILY YOU HAVE IN THE WORLD

TO THINK THAT YOU WERE CHEAP

OR THAT YOU DIDN'T CARE.

HEY, KIDS, UH, WHAT ABOUT READING

A LITTLE BIT OF THE CHRISTMAS CAROL BEFORE DINNER?

I'LL GET THE BOOK.

I GET TO BE TINY TIM.

OH, I LOVE THIS STORY.

HERE, DAD.

SHAME, ISN'T IT?

WHAT? THIS'LL RUIN THE COUCH.

"MARLEY WAS DEAD TO BEGIN WITH.

"THERE IS NO DOUBT WHATEVER ABOUT THAT.

THE REGISTER OF HIS BURIAL WAS SIGNED BY THE CLERGYMAN..."

I CAN'T WATCH THIS ANYMORE.

IT'S TOO PAINFUL.

LOOK AT THEM. THEY'RE SO HAPPY.

I KNOW.

AH-AH-CHOO!

GOD BLESS YOU.

NO, WE HAVEN'T GOT TO THAT PART YET.

"MIND I DON'T MEAN TO SAY THAT I KNOW..."

COME ON.

WATCH YOUR BACK! WATCH YOUR BACK!

GREAT, GREAT, GREAT. THANKS A LOT.

WE NEED TO GET SOME MORE GOING RIGHT AWAY.

HOW THE MASHED POTATOES COMING? GREAT.

YOU GUYS,

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR YOUR HELP, OK?

WE COULDN'T DO ANY OF THIS WITHOUT YOU.

WHY ARE YOU SHOWING ME THIS?

BECAUSE YOU'RE DEPRESSED.

I THOUGHT IT WOULD CHEER YOU UP

TO SEE YOUR OLD FRIEND JOHN SO HAPPY.

AND THIS RIGHT HERE IS WHY I LOVE CHRISTMAS.

YOU WERE THAT HAPPY ONCE, WEREN'T YOU?

A LONG TIME AGO.

AND WHOSE FAULT DO YOU THINK IT IS

THAT YOU AREN'T HAPPY NOW?

OK, FINE!

I COULD'VE MADE SOME DIFFERENT CHOICES,

BEEN NICER TO A FEW PEOPLE.

BUT HEY, YOU CAN'T ARGUE WITH THE END RESULT.

OK. IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU FEEL ABOUT IT.

NO USE LIVING IN THE PAST, HUH?

GET IT? LIVING IN THE PAST, GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT?

[AMPLIFIED] HELLO! IS THIS THING ON?

NEVER MIND. HUMPH.

WE'RE ALMOST THROUGH.

I DIDN'T NEED TO SEE ALL THAT.

YES, YOU DID.

WHERE ARE WE NOW?

WE'RE AT A PARTING OF THE WAYS.

HOLD ON A SECOND. AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BRING ME BACK?

NO. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO FIND YOUR OWN WAY BACK.

HEY, I'M A BUSY MAN. I'VE GOT THINGS TO DO.

DO YOU THINK YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE

WHO NEEDS A VISIT FROM THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT?

WELL, I THOUGHT--

IT'S TIME FOR ME TO MOVE ON.

NO REST FOR THE WICKED.

IDLE HAND--

YOU KNOW, I'M ACTUALLY MAKING MYSELF FEEL NAUSEOUS.

IT'S LIKE I CAN'T CONTROL IT.

WAIT! AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO SHOW ME MORE?

I'VE SHOWN YOU EVERYTHING I CAN.

NOW IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO SEE FOR YOURSELF

WHAT YOU'LL BECOME.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET BACK?

CAR. WAITING FOR YOU.

[ANIMAL HOWLS] A CAR?

OHH. OHH.

OH! THANK GOD.

BOY, AM I GLAD TO SEE YOU.

HI.

OH. YEAH.

YOU'VE PROBABLY HEARD STORIES ABOUT ME

FROM OTHER LIMO DRIVERS.

DOESN'T LIKE TO TALK. DON'T MAKE EYE CONTACT.

WELL, THEY'RE ALL TRUE.

NO, I'M KIDDING. I'M KIDDING.

THAT'S HOW I USED TO BE,

BUT THIS IS THE NEW ME,

SO YOU CAN FEEL FREE TO LIGHTEN UP AND--

ARE YOU THE LAST SPIRIT?

NICE TRICK.

EXCUSE ME! CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?

YOU'RE THE THIRD SPIRIT, RIGHT?

AM I RIGHT?

OK. WELL, SO FAR,

I'VE HAD THE PAST, AND THEN I HAD THE PRESENT,

SO I MEAN, IT DOESN'T TAKE A GENIUS TO FIGURE OUT

THAT YOU MUST BE THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE.

UM, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

IT'S JUST A LITTLE SOMETHING THAT'S ALWAYS BOTHERED ME.

IS IT GHOST, OR IS IT SPIRIT?

'CAUSE I COULD NEVER QUITE FIGURE THAT ONE OUT.

I MEAN, SOME PEOPLE SAY GHOST,

AND SOME PEOPLE SAY SPIRIT.

IS THERE A DIFFERENCE?

DO YOU GUYS LIKE ONE OVER THE OTHER?

I MEAN, PERSONALLY, I THINK I LIKE SPIRIT.

I MEAN GHOST IS JUST-- IT SEEMS SO PEDESTRIAN.

BUT SPIRIT, NOW, THAT, THAT CONJURES UP SOME MYSTERY

RIGHT THERE AND SOME, YOU KNOW--

[ECHOING] HEY!

HEY!

HELLO?

ANYBODY?

SPIRIT?

OH!

[NORMAL] YOU BROUGHT ME BACK.

YOU KNOW, YOU WEREN'T AS BAD AS I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA BE.

SO, I GUESS MY FUTURE'S NOT LOOKIN' SO BAD, HUH?

OH. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

DON'T WORRY.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME TWICE. THANKS.

[SIGHS]

UH, THAT'S OK. I'M GOOD.

THINK I KNOW WHERE I'M GOING.

I'M SORRY.

CLOSED SET. I'M SURE YOU UNDERSTAND.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

COME ON! HELLO!

COME ON!

OK, NOW YOU'RE FREAKIN' ME OUT!

HELP! AAH!

Announcer: AND NOW, LIVE FROM HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA,

IT'S THE CAROL SHOW'S HOLIDAY SPECIAL!

HELLO

AND WELCOME TO THE SPECIAL HOLIDAY EDITION

OF THE CAROL SHOW.

TODAY WE HAVE GATHERED A MYRIAD OF GUESTS

WHO HAVE CHOSEN THE MOST IMPORTANT HOLIDAY, CHRISTMAS,

TO TELL THEIR FAMILY SOMETHING:

"I HATE YOU." [AUDIENCE MURMURING]

COMING UP NEXT ON THE CAROL SHOW.

HO HO HO.

THAT WAS GREAT.

I'M GONNA GO UP AND TALK TO HER.

Hal: YEAH, YEAH. THAT WAS NICE, CAROL.

NOW, OUR FIRST GUEST IS A YOUNG LADY

WHO'S GONNA DROP THE BOMBSHELL ON HER PARENTS.

THEY'VE GOT NO IDEA WHAT'S COMING.

AND WHY DOES SHE HATE THEM?

SOMETHING ABOUT THEY ABANDONED HER, AND IT RUINED HER LIFE

OR SOME SORT OF NONSENSE LIKE THAT.

I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES

WHEN SHE SAYS, "THEY-- THEY TOOK MY CHILDHOOD FROM ME."

[LAUGHS] THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD.

I'M SORRY, HAL. I--

I CAN'T DO THIS.

I CAN'T DO THIS SHOW, NOT TODAY.

WHAT?

WELL, WHY NOT?

HAS IT EVER OCCURRED TO YOU

JUST HOW PAINFUL THIS MIGHT BE FOR THEM?

WELL, NOT ANY MORE PAINFUL

THAN THE GUY ON YESTERDAY'S SHOW

WHO HAD 5 DIFFERENT WIVES IN 5 DIFFERENT STATES.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANY PROBLEM DOING THAT.

YESTERDAY'S SHOW WASN'T ABOUT ME!

Hal: OHH. POOR LITTLE CAROL.

HAD TO GROW UP WITHOUT HER FAMILY.

HEY, TAKE A LOOK AROUND YOU, SWEETIE PIE.

YOU'VE DONE PRETTY WELL WITHOUT 'EM.

THIS ISN'T WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR.

THIS...

THIS HAS TURNED INTO SOME SORT OF FREAK SHOW!

WELL, YOU DIDN'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THIS FREAK SHOW

WHEN IT WENT NUMBER ONE IN DAYTIME. YOU LOVED IT!

I JUST WANT MY SHOW BACK.

THIS IS THE SHOW YOU ARE GOING TO DO!

YOU'VE GOT A CONTRACT, MS. CARTMAN,

AND EITHER YOU WILL HONOR IT

OR I WILL DRAG YOU INTO COURT, SUE YOU,

AND TAKE EVERYTHING YOU'VE GOT!

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

YOU CAN'T--

WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?

YOU WALK OFF THIS SHOW,

YOU CAN KISS YOUR CAREER GOOD-BYE.

I'VE SEEN ENOUGH.

I WANNA GO BACK.

PLEASE. I'VE HAD ENOUGH.

[ENGINE BACKFIRES]

[ENGINE BACKFIRES]

HI.

WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE?

[CAR SHUDDERS AND GROANS]

OK. SEE,

THIS IS WHY WE HAVE A SMOG PROBLEM IN THIS CITY.

OH, MY GOD.

THAT'S ME.

FORMER?!

[CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[ALL CLAPPING]

IT COULD BE WORSE.

PERSONAL APPEARANCES CAN BRING IN GOOD MONEY.

[ALL CLAPPING]

IS THIS WHAT BECOMES OF ME?

STANDING ON STREET CORNERS, HOLDING SIGNS?

IT'S SAD.

DIED COMPLETELY ALONE.

CAN'T SAY SHE DIDN'T DESERVE IT.

IF SHE HAD CHOSEN TO BE A DIFFERENT KIND OF PERSON,

MAYBE THINGS COULD'VE BEEN BETTER FOR A LOT OF PEOPLE.

LIFE IS FULL OF MAYBES.

HOW'S LILY?

SHE'S OK...I GUESS.

MARRIED AND LIVING IN CHICAGO.

SHE NEVER FORGAVE ME FOR ALL THE TIME I SPENT

WITH CAROL AND NOT WITH HER.

WE DON'T SPEAK THAT MUCH ANYMORE.

THINGS WERE NEVER THE SAME

AFTER I LOST CUSTODY TO FRANK

AND I COULD ONLY SEE HER EVERY OTHER WEEKEND.

SHE LOST LILY.

I THOUGHT THERE'D BE MORE PEOPLE HERE.

DID YOU?

NOT REALLY.

WELL, IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU.

YEAH. YOU, TOO.

[JIMMY SIGHS]

GOOD-BYE, CAROL.

TELL ME...

ALL THESE THINGS THAT YOU'VE SHOWN ME...

ARE THEY SHADOWS OF WHAT MIGHT BE

OR OF WHAT WILL BE?

PLEASE,

I'M A DIFFERENT PERSON

THAN I WAS BEFORE THESE VISITS.

I GOTTA BELIEVE THAT YOU WOULDN'T SHOW ME THESE THINGS

IF I WAS PAST ALL HOPE.

I CAN CHANGE.

I WANNA CHANGE.

I'M GONNA HOLD CHRISTMAS IN MY HEART...

AND I'M GONNA KEEP IT THERE ALL YEAR ROUND.

PLEASE!

PLEASE!

I'M GONNA CHANGE.

I'M GONNA CHANGE.

I'M GONNA CHANGE!

I'M GONNA CHANGE!

PLEASE!

I WON'T FORGET THE GIFTS I'VE BEEN SHOWN TODAY,

ALL THE LESSONS I'VE LEARNED. PLEASE!

I'M GONNA CHANGE! I CAN CHANGE!

PLEASE! PLEASE!

I'LL CHANGE!

I CAN CHANGE...[ECHOING]

[MOANS]

I CAN CHANGE.

I'LL CHANGE!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Jimmy: CAROL?

[KNOCKING] CAROL.

SORRY, CAROL, BUT WE GO LIVE IN 45.

I DIDN'T MISS IT.

UH, CAN I TELL THEM YOU'RE COMING?

YEAH, TELL THEM I'M COMING.

I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

I DON'T WANT ANYONE WAITING FOR ME.

AND, JIMMY?

I KNOW YOU WANNA HELP ROBERTA OUT,

BUT DON'T WORRY. YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

IT'S ALL GONNA BE OK.

OK.

I'LL BE RIGHT THERE, I PROMISE,

BUT WILL YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

WILL YOU TELL ROBERTA I WANNA TALK TO HER FOR A SECOND?

SURE.

THANKS.

THEY DID IT, AUNT MARLA.

THEY DID IT IN ONE AFTERNOON.

THANK YOU.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

THANK YOU.

ROBERTA, GET IN HERE.

GET IN HERE AND CLOSE THE DOOR.

I WANNA KNOW EXACTLY HOW MUCH YOU SPENT

ON THE GIFTS FOR MY NIECE AND NEPHEW.

UH, I'M SORRY, CAROL.

I-- I WENT A LITTLE OVER BUDGET,

BUT I MADE UP THE DIFFERENCE.

DON'T WORRY.

WELL, I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO YOU.

THANK YOU!

EXCUSE ME?

OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH

FOR MAKING ME LOOK LIKE A GOOD AUNT.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

ROBERTA, YOU'VE ALWAYS PROTECTED ME,

AND I'VE NEVER REALLY SAID THANK YOU,

BUT THAT'S ALL GONNA CHANGE.

FIRST OFF...

I'M ASHAMED AT WHAT I PAY YOU...

AND I WANNA DOUBLE--

NO, I WANNA TRIPLE YOUR SALARY.

ARE YOU FEELING ALL RIGHT?

I HAVE NEVER FELT THIS GOOD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

YOU KNOW THAT RENTAL HOUSE I HAVE IN THE VALLEY?

I-- I KNOW.

I PROMISE RIGHT AFTER THE HOLIDAYS

I'LL FIND SOMEONE FOR IT.

IT'S JUST THAT YOU'RE SO PARTICULAR

ABOUT WHO YOU RENT TO--

NO.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO RENT IT OUT.

I WANT YOU AND LILY TO MOVE INTO IT,

RENT-FREE.

IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU MOVED OUT

OF THAT TINY ONE-BEDROOM PLACE YOU HAVE.

AND...

AND IN THE MEANTIME...

I WANT YOU AND LILY

TO GO BUY THE BIGGEST CHRISTMAS TREE

THAT YOU CAN FIND.

OH, WAIT. YOU'RE GONNA NEED ORNAMENTS-- HERE--

AND, WELL, LIGHTS, OF COURSE.

OH, HECK, JUST TAKE THE WHOLE THING.

GET WHATEVER YOU NEED.

AND I WANNA MAKE SURE YOU GET SOMETHING REALLY NICE

FOR LILY FROM HER AUNT CAROL.

OK, I GOTTA GO. I'M SUPPOSED TO BE IN MAKEUP.

OH, AND...

IN MY WALLET THERE'S A CARD FOR MY LAWYER.

TAKE IT,

IN CASE SOMETHING EVER COMES UP

WHERE YOU NEED A LAWYER.

LIKE TONIGHT, FOR INSTANCE.

CALL HIM.

HE'S GOOD.

HE'S REALLY GOOD, AND...

I'LL PAY FOR EVERYTHING.

DON'T WORRY.

IT'S ALL GONNA WORK OUT.

IT'LL ALL WORK OUT.

HE'S MY LAWYER.

HE LOVES STICKIN' IT TO PEOPLE.

OH, AND-- AND THE GIFTS.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT DELIVERING THE GIFTS.

THEY'RE JUNK.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING.

I HAVE SOMETHING BETTER PLANNED FOR THE CREW.

BESIDES,

YOU SHOULD SPEND TONIGHT WITH LILY.

AND WHOEVER ELSE YOU MIGHT WANNA SPEND IT WITH.

I GOTTA GO TO MAKEUP.

MMM!

HEY, YOU!

[MOANS] COME OVER HERE.

P.A.: JIMMY TO THE GREENROOM.

JIMMY, PLEASE GO TO THE GREENROOM.

I'M SORRY, MS. CARTMAN.

I KNOW YOU SAID THAT I WASN'T--

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE?

JIMMY SAID TO GET THE TOYS

AND THE STUFF FOR THE FOSTER KIDS

AND MAKE SURE THEY GET THEM

SINCE YOU WOULDN'T LET THEM ON THE SHOW TODAY.

REALLY.

YES, MA'AM.

WELL, FIRST OF ALL,

YOU TAKE THOSE TOYS BACK TO THE STUDIO,

BECAUSE TODAY...

WE'RE GONNA GIVE THEM TO THE FOSTER KIDS.

WE ARE? YES, WE ARE,

AND THEN I WANT YOU TO GO TO THE PRODUCTION ACCOUNTANT

AND HAVE HIM GIVE YOU AS MUCH MONEY AS YOU NEED

TO DOUBLE WHAT WE HAVE.

WHAT?

NOW, YOU GET MOVIN',

BEFORE I DECIDE NOT TO GIVE YOU

THAT NICE CHRISTMAS BONUS.

YES, MA'AM.

[LAUGHS]

JOY TO THE WORLD.

MORGAN, WE ARE SO EXCITED TO HAVE YOU ON THE SHOW.

I CAN'T WAIT TO TALK TO YOU

ABOUT ALL THE WONDERFUL CHARITY WORK YOU DO.

IT'S ONE OF THE THINGS THAT'S TRULY BROUGHT ME HAPPINESS.

YOU KNOW, IT'S ALWAYS REALLY REWARDING,

BUT AROUND THE HOLIDAYS, IT JUST MAKES IT EXTRA SPECIAL, YOU KNOW?

WELL, IT'S A GOOD THING YOU'RE DOING,

HELPING PEOPLE.

THANK YOU.

NOW, DON'T BE SURPRISED IF FROM NOW ON

YOU SEE ME DOWN THERE JUST LENDING A HELPING HAND,

HEY, I'M GONNA HOLD YOU TO THAT.

OK.

EXCUSE ME, MS. MADDOX.

CAROL, WE NEED YOU IN WARDROBE.

WE'RE LIVE IN 30.

JIMMY, TELL THEM I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

I DON'T WANT ANYONE WAITING FOR ME.

OH, SORRY. ONE SECOND.

JIMMY, NOW, I DON'T WANT

TO SOUND CONTROLLING OR ANYTHING,

BUT I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD USE THAT SANTA.

WHY NOT?

'CAUSE IT'S NOT RIGHT.

IT'S NOT RIGHT TO MAKE FUN OF HIM...

OR THIS HOLIDAY.

WELL, HAL'S NOT GONNA BE TOO HAPPY ABOUT THAT.

YOU GO TELL HAL

THAT WE ARE GONNA GIVE HIM A FABULOUS SHOW,

AND WE WON'T HAVE TO LOWER OURSELVES.

OK.

THANK YOU.

MORGAN, I'D LOVE TO TALK TO YOU MORE LATER ABOUT THIS.

YEAH. SEE YA OUT THERE. OK.

Jimmy: AND WE ARE BACK IN 5...4...

3...

2...

[APPLAUSE]

Announcer: WELCOME BACK

TO CAROL'S LIVE CHRISTMAS EVE SPECIAL.

I GOTTA TELL YOU,

UP UNTIL A LITTLE WHILE AGO,

I DIDN'T WANNA DO THIS SHOW,

BUT I HAVE BEEN GIVEN A GIFT.

I HAVE BEEN GIVEN THE BEST CHRISTMAS GIFT EVER.

I HAVE BEEN GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY

TO HOLD THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS IN MY HEART

NOT JUST THIS TIME OF YEAR,

BUT ALL YEAR LONG.

I HAVE ALSO BEEN GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY

TO THANK SOME PEOPLE,

AND I WANNA THANK THE PEOPLE

THAT HAVE MADE THIS SHOW SO SUCCESSFUL.

MY WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL CREW.

[APPLAUSE]

AND TO THANK THEM PROPERLY,

I WANNA SHARE MY SUCCESS WITH THEM.

SO NO SOAP AND SHAMPOO THIS YEAR.

AS SOON AS WE GET OUR NEXT BREAK,

I AM TAKING MY ENTIRE CREW AND STAFF

AND THEIR FAMILIES--

TO HAWAII.

[CROWD GASPS AND MURMURS]

[APPLAUSE] OH, MY GOD!

THIS IS WHAT THIS HOLIDAY IS ALL ABOUT.

IT'S A TIME TO HELP PEOPLE

WHO MIGHT BE LESS FORTUNATE THAN YOU.

IT'S A TIME TO CELEBRATE

ALL THE GOOD THINGS THAT YOU HAVE,

AND IT'S A TIME TO BE THANKFUL

FOR YOUR BLESSINGS.

THIS FEELING SHOULDN'T JUST BE THIS TIME OF YEAR.

IT SHOULD BE ALL YEAR LONG,

SO I HAVE A VERY SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.

I HAVE BEEN HOUNDED FOR YEARS

FROM DIFFERENT COMPANIES WANTING TO PUT MY NAME

ON BEAUTY PRODUCTS AND CLOTHING LINES,

EVEN KITCHENWARE,

WHICH IS PRETTY RIDICULOUS

SINCE I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE THE KITCHEN IS IN MY HOUSE.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT THE BOTTOM LINE IS...

I DIDN'T WANNA DO IT UNTIL NOW.

SO I'VE DECIDED I'M GONNA LET THEM USE MY NAME,

AND I'VE ALSO DECIDED THAT I WANT ALL THE PROFITS

TO BE USED TO HELP PEOPLE.

AND I CAN'T THINK OF A BETTER WAY

TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN THAN FOR THE PROFITS

TO GO TO ALL THE HOMELESS SHELTERS AROUND THE CITY...

THAT MY OLD FRIEND,

GOOD GUY OF THE YEAR,

JOHN JOYCE HAS OPENED.

[APPLAUSE]

SO...

HAVE A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS!

AND BE NICE TO EACH OTHER.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

Director: AND WE'RE OUT. THAT'S A WRAP, PEOPLE.

NICE JOB, KID.

GREAT JOB, CAROL.

NICE GOIN', BOSS.

BEAUTIFUL.

BEAUTIFUL.

I THINK THAT WAS AN OK SHOW.

THAT WAS THE BEST CAROL CARTMAN SHOW EVER.

MMM. THE BEST IS YET TO COME.

Hal, laughing: OH, CAROL!

THAT WAS FABULOUS!

BOY, YOU KEEP DOING SHOWS LIKE THIS,

AND YOU'RE GONNA BE ON FOR A LONG, LONG TIME.

HAL, I PLAN ON IT.

I'M SORRY ABOUT THE SANTA.

NAH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

YOU WERE RIGHT. I WAS WRONG.

THAT KIND OF THING IS NOT CAROL CARTMAN SHOW MATERIAL.

NICE JOB!

MOMMY, CAN CAROL COME OVER

FOR CHRISTMAS TONIGHT?

YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK I, UH--

I'LL TAKE A RAIN CHECK.

THERE'S SOMEWHERE ELSE I REALLY NEED TO BE TONIGHT.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

All: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

COME ON, DAD, PLEASE?

CAN'T WE OPEN ALL OUR PRESENTS TONIGHT?

YOU KNOW OUR TRADITION:

ONE ON CHRISTMAS EVE

AND THE REST ON CHRISTMAS MORNING.

BUT, DAD, HOW ARE WE GONNA KNOW

WHICH PRESENTS SANTA LEFT BEHIND?

YEAH. WHAT IF OUR REGULAR PRESENTS GET CONFUSED WITH HIS?

MM-HMM.

WE SHOULD REALLY MAKE HIS PRESENTS SPECIAL.

HE DID WORK ALL YEAR TO MAKE THEM.

OK.

WHICH PRESENT DO YOU WANNA OPEN UP?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

JERRY, GO SEE WHO THAT IS, AND IF IT'S SANTA,

TELL HIM I HAVE 2 VERY NAUGHTY LITTLE KIDS IN HERE!

[BOTH LAUGH]

CAROL. HI.

CAROL. COME ON IN.

CAROL!

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

COME IN! COME IN!

Both: AUNT CAROL!

HI, GUYS! HI! OHH!

WOW! WHO ARE THOSE FOR?

THESE ARE FOR YOU!

BUT YOU ALREADY GOT US A PRESENT.

IT'S UNDER THE TREE.

COME HERE.

CAN I TELL YOU GUYS A SECRET THAT I'M NOT TOO PROUD OF?

THOSE PRESENTS UNDER THE TREE?

I DIDN'T BUY THEM.

I HAD MY ASSISTANT ROBERTA GO GET THEM.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT I WAS TOO BUSY TO BUY MY FAMILY PRESENTS...

BUT I WAS WRONG. I'M SORRY.

DON'T WORRY. WE STILL LOVE YOU.

THANKS, BUDDY.

HOPE I'M NOT TOO LATE FOR DINNER.

I'M JUST SO HAPPY THAT YOU'RE HERE.

THANK YOU.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, LITTLE SISTER.

IS THAT POPCORN YOU GUYS ARE STRINGING?

YEAH. WANNA HELP?

MORE THAN ANYTHING, YES.

I'M GONNA GO CHECK ON THE TURKEY.

MM-HMM.

AUNT CAROL?

DID YOU LIKE THE PRESENTS WE MADE YOU?

DID I LIKE THEM?

I LOVE THEM! [LAUGHS]

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GUYS MADE THOSE ALL BY YOURSELVES.

YOU KNOW, DAD,

AUNT CAROL BROUGHT ALL THESE PRESENTS,

AND SHE'S NOT GONNA BE HERE TOMORROW,

SO SHE PROBABLY WANTS TO WATCH US OPEN THEM TONIGHT.

DON'T YOU?

OF COURSE.

Jerry: OK, BUT AFTER DINNER.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'LL GET IT.

JOHN. JERRY.

HOW ARE YA? GOOD. YEAH.

JOHN! HI!

HOW YOU DOIN'? GOOD! COME IN!

LISTEN, I AM SO SORRY FOR INTRUDING. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

I SAW CAROL'S SHOW, AND BY THE TIME I GOT

TO THE STUDIO, SHE WAS GONE,

AND I WAS WONDERING IF YOU KNEW WHERE SHE...

HI.

HI.

UM, DINNER WON'T BE READY FOR A FEW MINUTES,

SO IF YOU TWO WANNA TAKE SOME TIME...

YOU'RE WELCOME TO STAY FOR DINNER, JOHN.

THANK YOU. UM... OH.

I-- I SHOULD PROBABLY GET BACK

AND HELP FINISH PREPARING THE MEALS FOR TOMORROW.

WE COULD HAVE DINNER, AND...

THEN WE COULD STILL GET BACK IN TIME TO HELP OUT.

WE?

WE.

I WAS HOPING YOU'D BE WATCHING THE SHOW TODAY.

YEAH?

I'LL LET YOU IN ON A LITTLE SECRET.

I RARELY MISS IT.

[BOTH LAUGH]

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU TODAY TO MAKE YOU SAY WHAT YOU DID?

A FEW FRIENDS HELPED ME REALIZE

I HAVEN'T BEEN A VERY NICE PERSON...

AND I WANNA CHANGE THAT.

I'VE ALWAYS SAID...

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS LET THE REAL CAROL COME OUT...

THE CAROL THAT I FELL IN LOVE WITH.

YOU ONCE SAID THE CAROL YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH

HAD DISAPPEARED FOR GOOD.

SHE DIDN'T.

SHE WAS JUST MISSING FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

"...AND TO TINY TIM, WHO DID NOT DIE,

"HE WAS A SECOND FATHER.

"SCROOGE WAS BETTER THAN HIS WORD.

"HE DID IT ALL AND INFINITELY MORE,

"AND IT WAS ALWAYS SAID OF HIM

"THAT HE KNEW HOW TO KEEP CHRISTMAS WELL,

"IF ANY MAN ALIVE POSSESSED THE KNOWLEDGE.

"MAY THAT BE TRULY SAID OF US

"AND OF ALL OF US.

AND SO, AS TINY TIM OBSERVED..."

GO AHEAD.

GOD BLESS US,

EVERY ONE.

SO,

DO YOU REALLY THINK WE GOT TO HER?

OH, I THINK WE SCARED HER REAL GOOD.

YEAH, THERE'S A LOT OF GOOD IN PEOPLE,

AND SOMETIMES ALL THEY NEED IS A LITTLE JOLT

TO GET 'EM BACK ON TRACK.

WELL, I HOPE WE JOLTED HER ENOUGH.

OH, CAROL'S GONNA BE JUST FINE.

MAYBE SHE'LL MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE

FOR A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE.

AMEN TO THAT.

All: ♪ JOY TO THE WORLD

♪ THE LORD IS COME

♪ LET EARTH RECEIVE HER KING ♪

♪ WHILE FIELDS AND FLOODS

♪ ROCKS, HILLS, AND STREAMS ♪

♪ REPEAT THE SOUNDING JOY

♪ REPEAT THE SOUNDING JOY

♪ AND HEAVEN

♪ AND NATURE SING

[ALL LAUGH]

[ROCK INSTRUMENTAL OF DECK THE HALLS PLAYING]

♪