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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
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♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
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♪ But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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Sync and corrections by AlexandreMT
www.addic7ed.com
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Peter, come on, time to get dressed
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for our Valentine's Day dinner.
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We don't want to be late
for our reservation.
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00:00:40,143 --> 00:00:41,577
Reservation?
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Yeah. I decided we're going
someplace nice this time.
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Not like last year when we went
to the Outback Steakhouse,
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00:00:46,750 --> 00:00:49,151
but it's "out" as in the gay way.
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We'll get to the specials,
but first, I need to tell you...
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I'm gay.
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The hell you are!
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No waiter of mine is gonna be gay!
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Peter, please. He's our waiter.
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He's the only waiter we have.
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Lois, our waiter is dead to us.
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We have to focus all our
attention on our hostess now.
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He-he just needs a little time.
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(WEAKLY): Scott...
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I'm finally ready to hear the specials.
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Well, happy Valentine's Day, Lois.
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Let's have a dying marriage
side-face kiss.
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Mwah.
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Well, I better set out
a can of tuna fish and a cigar
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for Arthur Valentine.
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I can't wait to see what he brings me.
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Uh, you want to tell us
what the holy hell that was?
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(SIGHS) I'm afraid
it's something we made up
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that we finally need to deal with.
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You see, years ago,
when Chris was in preschool...
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(CRYING)
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Peter, poor Chris didn't get
a single valentine today
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from any of his classmates.
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What? Why not?
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Apparently, he's not well liked.
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Some of the kids think he's weird
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because he takes his shirt off to pee.
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Yeah, I taught him that.
That's also called "peeing."
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Pee? Pee now?
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No. No, Chris.
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(CRYING): Why no valentines?
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Hey, hey, hey, stop crying, Chris.
51
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Y-You're gonna...
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Y-You're gonna get tons of valentines.
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I am? From who?
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Um, from... Arthur Valentine.
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R-Really?
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Yeah, yeah, that's right!
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Who's Arthur Valentine?
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Only the most magical man ever.
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And he comes every
Valentine's Day on-on a-a...
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a purple Vespa to, um...
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to bring candy and sweet notes
to children
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who've managed to not use
any swears in the last year.
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He does?
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Uh-huh, and he has a long beard...
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Oh, and-and he's got an eye patch.
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00:02:38,995 --> 00:02:41,530
B-But not for medical reasons,
he just likes the look.
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Plus, he-he wears a Cat in the Hat hat
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and sometimes a scarf,
no matter what Lois says
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because it gives him a youthful vibe
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and adds some color to his face.
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We were just trying to cheer Chris up.
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I assumed he'd outgrow it
in a few years,
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but, Peter, it's time
we have a talk with Chris.
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We've got to put an end to this
Arthur Valentine nonsense.
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(SIGHS) Yeah, I guess you're right.
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00:03:03,253 --> 00:03:05,320
Well, I best be going anyway.
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00:03:05,321 --> 00:03:07,790
Donna and I are spending
our Valentine's Day
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00:03:07,791 --> 00:03:10,793
in Johnnie Cochran pajamas,
just caressing each other
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00:03:10,794 --> 00:03:12,795
in a very beige bedroom.
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00:03:12,796 --> 00:03:14,463
Yeah, and hopefully Bonnie and I'll
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00:03:14,464 --> 00:03:16,331
do a sexy bath night like last year.
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It was amazing.
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She laid out a trail of rose petals,
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and I elbow-crawled
to the sponge and shower chair.
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00:03:22,972 --> 00:03:25,874
I go down to the video store
and put my hand on Love Actually
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at the same time as a woman, and I go,
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(LAUGHING): "Oh, ho, ho, ho!
Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!"
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What about you, Brian? What are
your plans for Valentine's Day?
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00:03:34,951 --> 00:03:38,487
What? Oh, uh, no real plans, I guess.
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00:03:38,488 --> 00:03:41,156
Ha! Looks like Brian's the only
guy with nothing going on.
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00:03:41,157 --> 00:03:43,025
Hey, you can come over
to my house, Brian.
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00:03:43,026 --> 00:03:44,893
I thought you had
that whole thing with Bonnie.
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I do, but she needs help lifting
me into the shower chair.
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00:03:53,536 --> 00:03:55,003
Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.
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Our top story, today
the Quahog River was dyed red
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in honor of Valentine's Day.
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So if you're looking
to do a river murder,
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this could be your window.
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00:04:03,513 --> 00:04:06,348
(SLURRING):
Stupid Hallmark holiday anyway.
100
00:04:06,349 --> 00:04:08,150
Oh, hey, Bri. How's your night going?
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I hope Rupert and I haven't been
too loud up there.
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- Happy Valentine's Day!
- (CLANKING LOUDLY)
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Oh, yeah, we're gonna go all night.
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Just leave me alone, Stewie.
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00:04:20,530 --> 00:04:23,699
Well, Brian, if you're stuck
being a single loser,
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00:04:23,700 --> 00:04:26,034
you might as well just embrace it.
107
00:04:26,035 --> 00:04:29,671
Mmm. Oh, yeah. (GRUNTS)
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00:04:29,672 --> 00:04:31,106
Wait a minute. What am I thinking?
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Chocolate is poisonous to dogs.
I better stop or...
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- (POT CLANKING LOUDLY)
- STEWIE: Happy Valentine's Day!
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CLEVELAND: Stop the damn banging!
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People are trying to have
dignified relations!
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Oh, boy, look!
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Arthur Valentine brought me
plates and a salt shaker!
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Chris, Chris, settle down.
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00:04:57,467 --> 00:04:59,368
I-It's actually time your father and I
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00:04:59,369 --> 00:05:01,737
had a talk with you
about Arthur Valentine.
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00:05:01,738 --> 00:05:03,238
Yeah, that's, uh, that's right.
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00:05:03,239 --> 00:05:06,074
Um, son...
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I'm afraid Arthur Valentine isn't real.
121
00:05:08,478 --> 00:05:10,879
What? Not real? (CHUCKLES)
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00:05:10,880 --> 00:05:13,916
Then who leaves those notes
with all the misspellings?
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00:05:13,917 --> 00:05:17,152
Well, first, Chris, English
is a very fluid language.
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We're sorry, but you're old
enough now to know the truth.
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He... he doesn't exist.
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(GASPS) No! You're both lying!
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(SIGHS) What are we gonna do?
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00:05:28,164 --> 00:05:30,599
It seems like there's
no getting through to him.
129
00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:33,001
You know, if Chris
is this hard to convince,
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00:05:33,002 --> 00:05:35,470
we may just have to kill
Arthur Valentine.
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00:05:35,471 --> 00:05:36,972
What? What do you mean?
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00:05:36,973 --> 00:05:41,076
Maybe we make Chris believe
that Arthur Valentine is dead.
133
00:05:41,077 --> 00:05:44,513
Huh. Well, we just might have to.
134
00:05:47,483 --> 00:05:49,084
Hey, what's the matter, Brian?
135
00:05:49,085 --> 00:05:51,653
Have you fallen and can't get up?
136
00:05:51,654 --> 00:05:54,156
Turns out, still using
that joke is a felony.
137
00:05:54,157 --> 00:05:56,959
Guess I better not drop the soap.
138
00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:59,061
That one's the death penalty.
139
00:06:02,799 --> 00:06:04,032
You were very lucky.
140
00:06:04,033 --> 00:06:06,435
We managed to pump your stomach
just in time.
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00:06:06,436 --> 00:06:07,803
Oh, thank God.
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00:06:07,804 --> 00:06:10,432
I had him pump my stomach, too.
Doc, what was in there?
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00:06:10,433 --> 00:06:12,204
Well, it's a pretty extensive list.
144
00:06:12,205 --> 00:06:14,251
I'm gonna need Billy Joel
to help me out.
145
00:06:14,252 --> 00:06:17,479
♪ Lots of Legos, rubber bands,web-shooting Spider-Man ♪
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00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:20,916
♪ An old pet rock, an antiqueclock, a ton of red Play-Doh ♪
147
00:06:20,917 --> 00:06:22,651
♪ Colored pencils, lots of nickels ♪
148
00:06:22,652 --> 00:06:24,553
♪ Half a jar of Vlasic Pickles ♪
149
00:06:24,554 --> 00:06:27,656
♪ Banjo strings, chicken wings,Cassingle by Skee-Lo ♪
150
00:06:27,657 --> 00:06:30,359
♪ I didn't poop those items ♪
151
00:06:30,360 --> 00:06:34,229
♪ They were in my tummy'cause they all looked yummy ♪
152
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♪ He didn't poop those items ♪
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♪ He tried to eat 'em,so you shouldn't feed him. ♪
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(SONG ENDS)
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Wow, that was great, Billy!
156
00:06:43,640 --> 00:06:46,708
Hey, does anyone call you
Bill Joel or William Joel?
157
00:06:46,709 --> 00:06:49,845
Uh, no. Does anyone call you
Petey Griffin?
158
00:06:49,846 --> 00:06:51,747
No, they don't, because I'm an adult,
159
00:06:51,748 --> 00:06:54,116
which is kind of what I was getting at.
160
00:06:58,554 --> 00:07:01,690
Ugh. Who sends a Christmas card
to their vet?
161
00:07:01,691 --> 00:07:03,892
I know. It's so lame, right?
162
00:07:03,893 --> 00:07:06,862
And did you see the lady outside
with the empty cat carrier?
163
00:07:06,863 --> 00:07:08,697
Ugh. Cry much?
164
00:07:08,698 --> 00:07:11,199
Yeah. Yeah, I bet she actually
thinks that thing loved her.
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(CHUCKLES) Hey, I'm Brian.
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00:07:13,770 --> 00:07:14,870
Shake.
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00:07:14,871 --> 00:07:16,438
Nice to meet you. I'm Ellie.
168
00:07:16,439 --> 00:07:17,906
What are you in for?
169
00:07:17,907 --> 00:07:20,309
Uh, I got this small cut,
and they wanted to bandage it
170
00:07:20,310 --> 00:07:22,711
so I'd stop chewing
the crap out of my foot.
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00:07:22,712 --> 00:07:25,247
Aw, that sucks. I love chewing
the crap out of my foot.
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00:07:25,248 --> 00:07:26,481
I know, it's the best.
173
00:07:26,482 --> 00:07:28,450
But while I was here,
I also had to get...
174
00:07:28,451 --> 00:07:29,551
(DOG BARKING NEARBY)
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00:07:29,552 --> 00:07:32,721
(BOTH BARKING)
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00:07:32,722 --> 00:07:34,222
a prescription filled.
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00:07:34,223 --> 00:07:35,557
Listen, I got to go.
178
00:07:35,558 --> 00:07:37,426
You want to continue this sometime?
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00:07:37,427 --> 00:07:40,062
Let me give you my number.
It's on the back of here.
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00:07:40,063 --> 00:07:41,997
- It's this.
- Got it.
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00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:46,668
See you around, Brian.
182
00:07:46,669 --> 00:07:48,370
Definitely.
183
00:07:48,371 --> 00:07:50,405
Bye, Ellie.
184
00:07:50,406 --> 00:07:53,075
(GERMAN ACCENT): Is this
the Veteran Aryan's office?
185
00:07:53,076 --> 00:07:55,277
No, this is the veterinarian's.
186
00:07:55,278 --> 00:07:58,714
I think you want the Veteran
Aryan's Center next door.
187
00:07:58,715 --> 00:08:02,284
Ah, I see the confusion.
This must happen all the time.
188
00:08:02,285 --> 00:08:03,919
We're ready for the German shepherd.
189
00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:05,487
(GERMAN ACCENT): Ja, that would be me.
190
00:08:05,488 --> 00:08:07,489
This is a very confusing lobby.
191
00:08:14,697 --> 00:08:16,431
(CHUCKLING)
192
00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:25,273
Hey. Hey.
193
00:08:25,274 --> 00:08:28,043
You think you could be with me?
Right here? In this place?
194
00:08:28,044 --> 00:08:29,511
Oh, yeah, yeah, sorry. Sorry, Stewie.
195
00:08:29,512 --> 00:08:30,979
It's-it's just...
196
00:08:30,980 --> 00:08:34,516
I met someone amazing the other
day at the vet's office, and...
197
00:08:34,517 --> 00:08:36,218
Well, she's actually a dog.
198
00:08:36,219 --> 00:08:38,787
And it's so great dating someone
who understands
199
00:08:38,788 --> 00:08:41,523
why it's especially important
to walk around in a circle
200
00:08:41,524 --> 00:08:43,525
many, many times before lying down.
201
00:08:43,526 --> 00:08:45,160
So, that's who you were texting with?
202
00:08:45,161 --> 00:08:47,195
Sort of. I-I was just rereading
some of the texts
203
00:08:47,196 --> 00:08:48,697
I already sent her.
204
00:08:48,698 --> 00:08:50,699
(CHUCKLES) That's good.
205
00:08:50,700 --> 00:08:52,134
You're rereading your own texts?
206
00:08:52,135 --> 00:08:54,002
Yeah, do you, do you not do that?
207
00:08:54,003 --> 00:08:56,004
Nobody does that.
208
00:09:00,943 --> 00:09:03,378
Golden Eagle to Red Shrew.
Ready for the plan?
209
00:09:03,379 --> 00:09:05,113
Come in, Red Shrew.
210
00:09:05,114 --> 00:09:07,783
LOIS (OVER WALKIE): Peter, we
did not decide on those names.
211
00:09:07,784 --> 00:09:11,386
Chris, come down here, quick!
I see Arthur Valentine outside!
212
00:09:11,387 --> 00:09:13,188
I think he's come to say hi!
213
00:09:13,189 --> 00:09:14,189
Really?!
214
00:09:14,190 --> 00:09:15,490
Yeah, look.
215
00:09:17,060 --> 00:09:19,161
Oh, my God. Hi, Arthur!
216
00:09:19,162 --> 00:09:22,330
I love you so much,
and I haven't cussed once today!
217
00:09:22,331 --> 00:09:25,434
Dad, get the bowl of tuna
from under my bed!
218
00:09:30,239 --> 00:09:32,207
(SCREAMS) Arthur!
219
00:09:32,208 --> 00:09:34,443
Oh, my God, he's dead.
220
00:09:34,444 --> 00:09:35,711
He's dead!
221
00:09:35,712 --> 00:09:37,379
(SOBBING LOUDLY)
222
00:09:39,449 --> 00:09:44,219
Mission accomplished, Red Shrew.
Over and out.
223
00:09:44,220 --> 00:09:46,154
Huh. That looks tasty.
224
00:09:47,790 --> 00:09:50,959
Little walkie-talkie piece.
225
00:09:56,733 --> 00:09:59,301
God, I forgot how much I love art.
226
00:09:59,302 --> 00:10:00,936
Hey, who's your favorite artist?
227
00:10:00,937 --> 00:10:02,738
Me? Uh...
228
00:10:02,739 --> 00:10:04,139
(STAMMERS)
229
00:10:04,140 --> 00:10:06,575
You know, I really like,
uh, that Jackson "Polack."
230
00:10:06,576 --> 00:10:08,910
You know, I-I know they're not
supposed to be that bright,
231
00:10:08,911 --> 00:10:10,779
but that was, that was
pretty genius, you know?
232
00:10:10,780 --> 00:10:13,615
I mean, leave it, leave it to
a Polack to just grab the paint
233
00:10:13,616 --> 00:10:15,617
with his hands and just start
chucking it everywhere.
234
00:10:15,618 --> 00:10:16,918
I mean, it's great.
235
00:10:16,919 --> 00:10:18,787
It's pronounced "Pollock." (CHUCKLES)
236
00:10:18,788 --> 00:10:21,356
But, Brian, you don't
have to keep trying so hard
237
00:10:21,357 --> 00:10:22,524
to impress me.
238
00:10:22,525 --> 00:10:24,292
I already really like you.
239
00:10:24,293 --> 00:10:25,961
You do? Thanks.
240
00:10:25,962 --> 00:10:28,497
I-I really like you, too, Ellie.
241
00:10:28,498 --> 00:10:32,400
Truth is, I haven't felt this
way with anyone in a long time.
242
00:10:32,401 --> 00:10:34,336
Listen, I'm really sorry
to cut things short,
243
00:10:34,337 --> 00:10:36,505
but I've got to go; I have rehearsal.
244
00:10:36,506 --> 00:10:38,473
- Oh, what, for a play?
- No.
245
00:10:38,474 --> 00:10:41,710
It's kind of dumb,
but it's for a dog show.
246
00:10:41,711 --> 00:10:43,044
Oh, you're a show dog?
247
00:10:43,045 --> 00:10:45,280
No wonder you have
such a perfectly coiffed anus.
248
00:10:45,281 --> 00:10:46,314
Thank you.
249
00:10:46,315 --> 00:10:48,316
No, thank you. It's perfect.
250
00:10:48,317 --> 00:10:50,986
I mean, I... God, I-I bet every
time you go snaffling on it,
251
00:10:50,987 --> 00:10:52,821
you have to stop and admire it.
252
00:10:52,822 --> 00:10:53,889
Come on, now, Brian.
253
00:10:53,890 --> 00:10:55,757
A lady has to have a few secrets.
254
00:10:57,827 --> 00:10:59,995
Man, she is something else.
255
00:10:59,996 --> 00:11:02,998
This must be how Ronald Reagan
felt about Nancy.
256
00:11:02,999 --> 00:11:06,334
Nancy, will you make me
the happiest man in the world
257
00:11:06,335 --> 00:11:08,804
by turning a blind eye
to the AIDS crisis
258
00:11:08,805 --> 00:11:12,007
and ineffectually trying to warn
young people about drugs?
259
00:11:12,008 --> 00:11:13,008
Yes!
260
00:11:13,009 --> 00:11:14,676
Oh, yes, Ronnie! Yes!
261
00:11:14,677 --> 00:11:16,344
SINGERS: ♪ If you're too young ♪
262
00:11:16,345 --> 00:11:18,980
♪ Those are both things she did! ♪
263
00:11:24,053 --> 00:11:26,855
Peter, I'm really worried about Chris.
264
00:11:26,856 --> 00:11:29,157
The shock of seeing Arthur Valentine die
265
00:11:29,158 --> 00:11:31,026
seems to have really gotten to him.
266
00:11:31,027 --> 00:11:34,196
I-I've never seen him
so depressed and catatonic.
267
00:11:34,197 --> 00:11:35,530
Well, you know, in Awakenings,
268
00:11:35,531 --> 00:11:37,766
Robin Williams tossed a baseball
to Robert De Niro,
269
00:11:37,767 --> 00:11:39,634
and he snapped out of it and caught it.
270
00:11:39,635 --> 00:11:40,936
M-Maybe we do that.
271
00:11:40,937 --> 00:11:43,738
Chris, you doing okay?
272
00:11:43,739 --> 00:11:45,407
It's Mom and Dad.
273
00:11:45,408 --> 00:11:47,209
We thought we'd... Awakenings!
274
00:11:47,210 --> 00:11:48,510
Peter, I'm not sure that's...
275
00:11:48,511 --> 00:11:49,511
Awakenings!
276
00:11:49,512 --> 00:11:50,579
You're gonna hurt him if you...
277
00:11:50,580 --> 00:11:51,580
Awakenings!
278
00:11:51,581 --> 00:11:52,981
Peter, knock it off.
279
00:11:52,982 --> 00:11:56,017
I never thought Chris would
take things so hard.
280
00:11:56,018 --> 00:11:58,854
I think we went too far
by killing Arthur Valentine.
281
00:11:58,855 --> 00:12:00,755
We have to bring him back to life.
282
00:12:00,756 --> 00:12:02,290
What? Are you serious?
283
00:12:02,291 --> 00:12:05,026
It's the only thing
that'll snap him out of it.
284
00:12:05,027 --> 00:12:07,762
Well, maybe, but what if
I try it with a basketball?
285
00:12:07,763 --> 00:12:09,097
Awakenings!
286
00:12:09,098 --> 00:12:10,765
Oh, God, that broke his nose.
287
00:12:10,766 --> 00:12:13,501
He didn't even flinch.
It's bad. Let's do your thing.
288
00:12:13,502 --> 00:12:15,737
Let's-let's twirl some
toilet paper up into his nose,
289
00:12:15,738 --> 00:12:18,340
and-and then when...
we'll-we'll do your thing.
290
00:12:22,245 --> 00:12:23,879
Wow, thanks again.
291
00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:25,580
What a nice dinner.
292
00:12:25,581 --> 00:12:27,716
I'm so lucky to have met you, Brian.
293
00:12:27,717 --> 00:12:29,751
You're such an amazing guy.
294
00:12:29,752 --> 00:12:32,087
I'd say we're both lucky.
295
00:12:32,088 --> 00:12:33,388
Oh, no, no, no, wait!
296
00:12:33,389 --> 00:12:35,123
(SIGHS) Don't-don't do that.
297
00:12:35,124 --> 00:12:36,725
What-what? What's the matter?
298
00:12:36,726 --> 00:12:38,393
Oh, brutal.
299
00:12:38,394 --> 00:12:41,062
Yeah, that's gonna be
a terrible car ride, man.
300
00:12:41,063 --> 00:12:44,065
I would hate to be you, and I'm me.
301
00:12:44,066 --> 00:12:45,433
I'm really sorry, Brian.
302
00:12:45,434 --> 00:12:47,435
It's not that I don't want to kiss you.
303
00:12:47,436 --> 00:12:50,939
I smell the poop on your breath,
and then that's all I want,
304
00:12:50,940 --> 00:12:53,074
but my owners made an arrangement
305
00:12:53,075 --> 00:12:55,410
with the organizers
of the next dog show.
306
00:12:55,411 --> 00:12:58,113
They paid a lot of money
to schedule me to breed
307
00:12:58,114 --> 00:13:00,815
with whichever male dog
wins the competition.
308
00:13:00,816 --> 00:13:03,752
What, like... like breed breed?
309
00:13:03,753 --> 00:13:05,420
I know it might seem odd to you,
310
00:13:05,421 --> 00:13:07,989
but this happens in the dog show world.
311
00:13:07,990 --> 00:13:10,825
I have to have sex with
whichever male dog wins,
312
00:13:10,826 --> 00:13:12,527
whoever that ends up being.
313
00:13:15,064 --> 00:13:18,400
Stewie, we're entering a dog show!
314
00:13:18,401 --> 00:13:20,168
- Where's Stewie?
- STEWIE (MUFFLED): He ate me!
315
00:13:20,169 --> 00:13:22,337
- I ate him.
- ♪ He ate Stewie, holy crap ♪
316
00:13:22,338 --> 00:13:23,939
♪ Family Guy will be right back! ♪
317
00:13:30,269 --> 00:13:32,108
All right Brian,
now if we're going to get you
318
00:13:32,109 --> 00:13:33,608
ready to compete in that dog show,
319
00:13:33,609 --> 00:13:35,276
we've got a lot of training to cover.
320
00:13:35,277 --> 00:13:37,445
Let's begin by doing
some work with the clicker.
321
00:13:37,446 --> 00:13:38,947
- (CLICKER CLICKS)
- Oh, yeah, I've seen these.
322
00:13:38,948 --> 00:13:40,949
You click it when
you want me to do a trick,
323
00:13:40,950 --> 00:13:43,051
and then I get a treat,
so I associate the two.
324
00:13:43,052 --> 00:13:45,286
No. I use it to punctuate my jokes.
325
00:13:45,287 --> 00:13:48,356
Now, Brian you've got to roll
over and be good on all fours.
326
00:13:48,357 --> 00:13:50,458
If Nathan Lane can do it, so can you.
327
00:13:50,459 --> 00:13:52,360
- (CLICKER CLICKS)
- Okay. (CHUCKLES)
328
00:13:52,361 --> 00:13:54,929
But maybe we should just focus
on getting ready for the show.
329
00:13:54,930 --> 00:13:56,631
Well, look who wants to be prepared.
330
00:13:56,632 --> 00:13:58,967
- You're a regular Beagle Scout.
- (CLICKER CLICKS)
331
00:13:58,968 --> 00:14:01,870
Wait, shouldn't I be the one
who clicks if I like the joke?
332
00:14:01,871 --> 00:14:03,872
You can't just click
after everything you say.
333
00:14:03,873 --> 00:14:06,474
If it's funny, I can.
And so far, they've all landed.
334
00:14:06,475 --> 00:14:09,310
Unlike the planes on 9/11.
335
00:14:09,311 --> 00:14:10,845
See? No click.
336
00:14:10,846 --> 00:14:12,680
That one was in poor taste. Not funny.
337
00:14:12,681 --> 00:14:14,983
You know, I was supposed to be
on one of those planes.
338
00:14:14,984 --> 00:14:16,284
Yeah, me, too.
339
00:14:21,824 --> 00:14:24,492
Um, yes. Brian Griffin.
340
00:14:24,493 --> 00:14:25,660
ELLIE: Brian?
341
00:14:25,661 --> 00:14:27,328
What are you doing here?
342
00:14:27,329 --> 00:14:28,663
(CHUCKLES): Oh, hey!
343
00:14:28,664 --> 00:14:30,999
Uh, you know, I...
You-you just made dog shows
344
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:33,902
sound so fun the other day,
I-I thought I'd give it a try.
345
00:14:33,903 --> 00:14:36,371
Who knows? Maybe I'll end up top dog.
346
00:14:36,372 --> 00:14:38,072
And on top of you. (CHUCKLES)
347
00:14:38,073 --> 00:14:39,641
- (CLICKER CLICKS)
- Thanks, Stewie.
348
00:14:39,642 --> 00:14:42,443
Brian, most of these dogs
have been training since birth.
349
00:14:42,444 --> 00:14:44,012
Are you sure you're ready for this?
350
00:14:44,013 --> 00:14:46,514
You bet I am.
I've never been so prepared.
351
00:14:46,515 --> 00:14:48,216
I'm a regular Beagle Scout.
352
00:14:48,217 --> 00:14:50,151
(BOTH LAUGHING)
353
00:14:52,521 --> 00:14:53,855
That's hilarious.
354
00:14:53,856 --> 00:14:55,089
Good luck, Brian.
355
00:14:55,090 --> 00:14:57,525
(LAUGHS)
356
00:15:02,998 --> 00:15:05,066
Chris, you got to snap out of this.
357
00:15:05,067 --> 00:15:08,069
I mean, I've been where you're at.
358
00:15:08,070 --> 00:15:10,705
(QUIETLY): Listen,
I've never told anyone this,
359
00:15:10,706 --> 00:15:13,908
but I killed a jaywalker in 2002.
360
00:15:13,909 --> 00:15:16,377
She looked old, but she was only 51.
361
00:15:16,378 --> 00:15:18,379
I mean, back then, that was old to me.
362
00:15:18,380 --> 00:15:21,449
It's why I always talk
and ask questions so much.
363
00:15:21,450 --> 00:15:25,220
When there's any moment
of quiet, I think about her.
364
00:15:25,221 --> 00:15:27,655
That's why all mothers do that.
365
00:15:27,656 --> 00:15:31,192
Every mother has killed someone.
366
00:15:31,193 --> 00:15:33,094
Now drink your ginger ale.
367
00:15:33,095 --> 00:15:34,395
Hey, hey, hey!
368
00:15:34,396 --> 00:15:35,997
It's Arthur Valentine,
369
00:15:35,998 --> 00:15:38,466
here to accelerate awkwardly
into a bush.
370
00:15:39,935 --> 00:15:41,769
Damn it!
371
00:15:44,106 --> 00:15:46,641
Arthur...
372
00:15:46,642 --> 00:15:48,409
Valentine?
373
00:15:48,410 --> 00:15:50,545
Chris! You're okay!
374
00:15:50,546 --> 00:15:52,747
But I saw him die.
375
00:15:52,748 --> 00:15:54,916
That can only mean one thing.
376
00:15:54,917 --> 00:15:56,751
He must be a zombie!
377
00:15:56,752 --> 00:15:58,786
What? No! No, no. What?!
378
00:15:58,787 --> 00:16:01,089
(YELLING)
379
00:16:01,090 --> 00:16:02,323
(SCREAMS) Stop!
380
00:16:02,324 --> 00:16:03,591
What the hell are you doing?!
381
00:16:03,592 --> 00:16:04,659
(SCREAMS)
382
00:16:04,660 --> 00:16:06,094
I've seen The Walking Dead!
383
00:16:06,095 --> 00:16:07,629
I have to destroy your brain
384
00:16:07,630 --> 00:16:09,764
and then talk about it
for the next hour!
385
00:16:09,765 --> 00:16:11,232
- Chris, take it easy!
- Get off of him!
386
00:16:11,233 --> 00:16:13,193
- You're gonna kill me!
- It's not what you think!
387
00:16:14,937 --> 00:16:16,070
Dad?
388
00:16:16,071 --> 00:16:17,505
But... I don't...
389
00:16:17,506 --> 00:16:18,773
I... How did...
390
00:16:18,774 --> 00:16:20,942
I'm not Arthur Valentine, son.
391
00:16:20,943 --> 00:16:22,810
We're so sorry, Chris.
392
00:16:22,811 --> 00:16:24,779
Now do you understand?
393
00:16:24,780 --> 00:16:27,448
There is no Arthur Valentine?
394
00:16:27,449 --> 00:16:29,717
We never meant to hurt you, buddy.
395
00:16:33,289 --> 00:16:36,291
JOE: Valentine's Day would
take on new meaning for Chris
396
00:16:36,292 --> 00:16:37,992
in the years to come,
397
00:16:37,993 --> 00:16:42,330
but he would remember none
so bittersweetly as this one.
398
00:16:42,331 --> 00:16:45,934
This is Joe Swanson, signing off.
399
00:16:45,935 --> 00:16:47,468
BONNIE: Joe, your mom died.
400
00:16:47,469 --> 00:16:49,070
Seriously?
401
00:16:55,678 --> 00:16:58,046
How you doing? You feeling good?
402
00:16:58,047 --> 00:17:00,682
Because this thing is gonna
come down to the arbitrary whims
403
00:17:00,683 --> 00:17:02,350
of whatever elderly volunteers
404
00:17:02,351 --> 00:17:04,786
were able to get transportation
here on a Tuesday.
405
00:17:04,787 --> 00:17:06,554
Yeah, I... Hey, watch it!
406
00:17:06,555 --> 00:17:08,156
The hell's his problem?
407
00:17:08,157 --> 00:17:09,724
Careful. That's your competition.
408
00:17:09,725 --> 00:17:11,125
His name's Max.
409
00:17:11,126 --> 00:17:14,228
He's a four-time winner
and kind of a crowd favorite.
410
00:17:14,229 --> 00:17:16,931
(APPLAUSE)
411
00:17:18,867 --> 00:17:20,868
ANNOUNCER: Okay, who wants
to start the dog show?
412
00:17:20,869 --> 00:17:22,403
- Who wants to start it?
- (DOGS BARKING)
413
00:17:22,404 --> 00:17:24,672
Yes, you all want to start
the dog show, don't you?
414
00:17:24,673 --> 00:17:27,508
Don't you? (VOCALIZING IN BABY VOICE)
415
00:17:27,509 --> 00:17:30,278
♪
416
00:17:46,195 --> 00:17:49,297
♪
417
00:18:08,117 --> 00:18:10,385
(APPLAUSE)
418
00:18:10,386 --> 00:18:12,353
ANNOUNCER: That'll do it for the males.
419
00:18:12,354 --> 00:18:14,255
And as our judges tabulate the results,
420
00:18:14,256 --> 00:18:16,891
we can now announce our female division.
421
00:18:16,892 --> 00:18:19,727
The winning bitch,
for the tenth year in a row,
422
00:18:19,728 --> 00:18:21,896
is Katherine Heigl!
423
00:18:21,897 --> 00:18:23,664
- (CLICKER CLICKS)
- Thank you, thank you.
424
00:18:23,665 --> 00:18:26,968
No, but for real,
it's that dog Ellie over there.
425
00:18:26,969 --> 00:18:28,269
(APPLAUSE)
426
00:18:31,106 --> 00:18:34,942
And our winner
in the male division is...
427
00:18:34,943 --> 00:18:36,711
Brian Griffin!
428
00:18:36,712 --> 00:18:38,646
- (APPLAUSE)
- Yes!
429
00:18:43,752 --> 00:18:45,620
Man, thank you for
all your help, Stewie.
430
00:18:45,621 --> 00:18:46,821
I really couldn't have done it...
431
00:18:46,822 --> 00:18:48,256
What the... What's going on?
432
00:18:48,257 --> 00:18:50,191
(DOGS BARKING IN DISTANCE)
433
00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:53,761
This-this is it?
434
00:18:53,762 --> 00:18:56,097
It's happening right here? Right now?
435
00:18:56,098 --> 00:18:58,766
Uh-huh. They have to certify
the union, Brian.
436
00:18:58,767 --> 00:19:00,268
Stud is ready to mount.
437
00:19:00,269 --> 00:19:01,636
Please turn up the lights.
438
00:19:01,637 --> 00:19:03,771
What? No! No, the opposite!
439
00:19:03,772 --> 00:19:05,306
In fact, could someone maybe turn on
440
00:19:05,307 --> 00:19:07,275
some-some Drake or The Weekend?
441
00:19:07,276 --> 00:19:09,710
Ha! He's blowing it! He can't do it!
442
00:19:09,711 --> 00:19:11,646
Quagmire?! What are you doing here?
443
00:19:11,647 --> 00:19:13,081
Oh, I have an all-access pass
444
00:19:13,082 --> 00:19:15,249
to anything in this town
that's sex-related.
445
00:19:15,250 --> 00:19:16,617
Offering manual assistance.
446
00:19:16,618 --> 00:19:17,718
Commencing union.
447
00:19:17,719 --> 00:19:19,954
Okay, okay, thanks, man, but, yeah, no,
448
00:19:19,955 --> 00:19:21,456
I-I got this, I got this.
449
00:19:21,457 --> 00:19:23,424
If-if you just-just give me
a second to get, like,
450
00:19:23,425 --> 00:19:24,792
a scenario in my head.
451
00:19:24,793 --> 00:19:28,590
Uh, maybe a hot babysitter
who needs to pay for college
452
00:19:28,591 --> 00:19:29,764
- so she, uh...
- (DOGS BARKING)
453
00:19:29,765 --> 00:19:31,766
Can somebody please shut those dogs up?!
454
00:19:31,767 --> 00:19:34,302
This specimen is unable to perform.
455
00:19:34,303 --> 00:19:35,736
Please bring in the boxer.
456
00:19:40,275 --> 00:19:42,276
ELLIE (GRUNTING):
I'm sorry, Brian, but this is
457
00:19:42,277 --> 00:19:43,978
what I was trying to tell you.
458
00:19:43,979 --> 00:19:47,148
I'm sorry, too, but I see now
that you were right.
459
00:19:47,149 --> 00:19:48,983
I'm just not sure how this could work
460
00:19:48,984 --> 00:19:51,819
or-or how our relationship
could fit into your world.
461
00:19:51,820 --> 00:19:53,354
QUAGMIRE: Hey, less talk!
462
00:19:53,355 --> 00:19:55,223
I guess this is good-bye.
463
00:19:55,224 --> 00:19:56,557
ELLIE: I guess it is.
464
00:19:56,558 --> 00:19:58,659
I'll always remember you, Brian.
465
00:19:58,660 --> 00:20:00,595
And I'll always remember you, Ellie.
466
00:20:00,596 --> 00:20:03,865
(GRUNTING): I promise to name
one of the puppies after you.
467
00:20:03,866 --> 00:20:06,400
Let's just cross our fingers...
(PANTING)
468
00:20:06,401 --> 00:20:08,603
it's not one of the ones he eats.
469
00:20:08,604 --> 00:20:10,037
Thanks. That means a lot...
470
00:20:10,038 --> 00:20:12,006
Okay, we're at the part
where he bites down
471
00:20:12,007 --> 00:20:14,542
on the back of my neck, so we
should probably wrap this up.
472
00:20:14,543 --> 00:20:15,810
Yup.
473
00:20:15,811 --> 00:20:19,046
Whoa! Max's grandfather
may have been a horse.
474
00:20:19,047 --> 00:20:20,581
Come on, let's just go home.
475
00:20:20,582 --> 00:20:22,183
Okay.
476
00:20:22,184 --> 00:20:25,186
Is this the romantic ending
you were hoping for?
477
00:20:25,187 --> 00:20:27,355
Look, that was a tricky
situation, all right?
478
00:20:27,356 --> 00:20:29,357
The lights, the people watching.
479
00:20:29,358 --> 00:20:31,058
If-if it hadn't been for all that, I...
480
00:20:31,059 --> 00:20:33,828
trust me, I-I would've, I
would've set her world on fire.
481
00:20:33,829 --> 00:20:35,596
No way. You didn't even start the fire.
482
00:20:35,597 --> 00:20:37,165
Oh, no.
483
00:20:37,166 --> 00:20:38,432
♪ Nancy Reagan, preschool Chris ♪
484
00:20:38,433 --> 00:20:40,168
♪ Sey valet, young Lois ♪
485
00:20:40,169 --> 00:20:41,836
♪ German guy, lots of dogs ♪
486
00:20:41,837 --> 00:20:43,404
♪ Arthur Valentine ♪
487
00:20:43,405 --> 00:20:46,240
♪ We didn't write an ending ♪
488
00:20:46,241 --> 00:20:50,044
♪ So we're all together,trying to make it better ♪
489
00:20:50,045 --> 00:20:53,247
♪ They didn't write an ending ♪
490
00:20:53,248 --> 00:20:56,284
♪ But what the heck?I'll still take the check ♪
491
00:20:56,285 --> 00:20:58,352
♪ The check, the check. ♪
492
00:20:58,353 --> 00:20:59,353
(SONG ENDS)
493
00:20:59,354 --> 00:21:00,821
Mom killed a jaywalker.
494
00:21:03,870 --> 00:21:06,870
Sync and corrections by AlexandreMT
www.addic7ed.com
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