Original subtitles

Okay,

let's get this straight

I don't want to hear another word of this Y2K nonsense

Phones going dead, electricity cut-off,

banks collapsing, or even planes falling out of the sky

The end of the world is not coming!

The numbers in our calendar will change, yes,

all four at once,

but they're only numbers!

Mankind has been through this before

At eight o'clock,

a lot of very important people will dine at our tables

The mood in which they leave in the morning

will impact the lives of millions of ordinary people

Our duty is to make sure that no one's ass gets sore

from sitting on too hard a chair,

that they all stuff themselves with caviar to their heart's content,

that bubbles of champagne will gush from their noses and ears

Is that clear?

- Trying to make a point, Tonino? - No

I mean, yes

Couldn't agree more, boss

I expect nothing more from you al than our usual...

politeness, precision, and perfection

Five, four, three, two, one...

Twelve hours left

Let's get to work everybody! Let's get to work!

Too salty

Pour it out!

Pour it out!

Slowly, slowly, be careful, be careful

Push it back...

Push it back more, this side

Push this side back more, it's stuck

Stop, stop, stop

Step away, step away

Wow. what a night

What a night!

May I help you, sir?

- My room key - What would be the room number?

I don't remember, look it up on your thing

Faraday, Simon Faraday

I'm sorry, sir, according to my files you're not staying with us

Would you tell your files we've been staying at the Grand Bellevue

at Christmas Eve, New Year's Eve, for 15 years!

My compliments, then you should probably go there

- Where? - The Grand Bellevue

A short walk down the road

Hasn't moved an inch since 1912

Sir!

Tonino!

- Yes, sir? - Can't they see it's not centered?

- I'll take care of it immediately, sir - It's not a chair you can move around

- It's heavy - Sorry

- Good morning, Mr. Minetti - Good morning

- Slept well? - Like a baby

Our boys will be happy to carry those to the ski room

Oh, no! My Scott-Pros? No, thanks

I've had these babies stolen from me once

Not here, Mr. Minetti, we can take care of your babies

Do you know how long it takes to import them from Idaho?

I'd rather keep them under my bed

Did you see him?

- Bongo! - Bongo?

Bongo! He's a big star

- Really? What was he in? - He's done hundreds of movies

"Sex Odyssey", "Sperminator",

"Pulp Friction"... The list is just endless

Such a beast without a muzzle!

I'm sorry, sir

C'mon, little boy

Get up here now

C'mon, Mr. Toby, shit!

We don't have all day

Is Bongo your real name?

An artistic pseudonym

I knew it

- My mother told me all about you - Ashley, God!

Good thing it wasn't your grandma

Do you still work?

In private

- No more movies? - Ashley, come

I'm retired now

Hi, darling!

How are you?

My God, time stays still for you

And you, getting younger every year

Come on

Seriozh, take everything to the suite

- Let's go - Holy shit! Holy shit!

What the hell is going on?

All right

- I asked for champagne - Hi

How about a safe? Do you have a safe safe here?

Absolutely, this way, follow me

Please

You want to fit a suitcase in one of these?

You can put the content into several safes or...

All of them?

I'll get the manager

What the hell do you mean you can't find my reservation? Are you a retard?

It's that...

Mr. Crush!

So nice to see you back with us, what seems to be the problem?

This imbecile is trying to convince me I don't have a reservation

I am so sorry, there must be some sort of error

- Maybe you forgot to reserve? - I don't make my own travel plans

I have two competent assistants and they made them twice

Once would be enough, if it got through to us

You're telling me the people that work for me are lying?

Certainly not, Mr. Crush, let me assure you, no need to worry

- We'll do our best to find a solution - Find a solution?

Sorry, but the Russians need a bigger safe

- If you'll excuse me... - No, you're not going anywhere

Get me into my suite first, then you do what you gotta do

My colleague is already working on it and I'll be back right away

This is un-fucking-believable!

This whole place is turning to shit

- Do you like chocolate? - What?

- Chocolate - Chocolate?

Good morning, my name is Hansueli Kopf, I'm the hotel manager

I hear you need some help

We have fragile luggage that we would like to place in a safe

Yes

During world War II, the Swiss central bank

stored its reserves here

Perfectly secure as you can see

...See?

We'll change the bulb right away

- Nobody has been down here in a while - Don't bother, Mr. Kompf

- Just give me the key - That's absolutely out of the question

- Why? - Because...

- It's the hotel policy - Change the policy

All I want to do is drink!

214

Girls...

- 210 and 209 - Connected?

As you requested

The bodyguards' room is just opposite

We put in two rollaways, I hope it won't be too cramped

- Sorry for the inconvenience - Don't worry

Why are you making faces? You can cuddle at night

Thank you, sir

Mr. Tell, just trust me, okay? I know this stuff inside out

Y2K hits, no one's gonna have a clue

Not for a long time, not for a very long time

No, I don't think that's a very good idea

Why won't we do this? Why don't we meet in my suite and...

I'll walk you through the details

- Twelve-thirty? - Sir, your room is ready

- What's the number please? - 707

Great

Okay, twelve-thirty sharp

All right, Mr. Tell, I'll see you then

Suite 707

Here's your room, sir

- Get that asshole manager up here! - Yes, sir, right away, sir

Leave that, leave that right there

Get out

Whoever draws the short stick

sleeps on a cot

Damn, I can't even fit on that

Pick one

Dear Russians,

today,

on the last day

of the outgoing century,

I am retiring

I have made a decision

Today, I am addressing you

for the last time as Russian president

Is your TV working?

What the heck?

May I turn it on?

Help yourself

Can't get porn in your room?

In accordance with the constitution,

as I'm retiring,

I have signed a decree

entrusting the duties of the president of Russia

to Prime Minister

Vladimir vladimirovic Putin

For the next three months

he will be the head of state

Are you out of your mind? Can you see me sleeping in this fucking broom closet?

Or can you see me trying to take a piss in this dollhouse toilet of yours?

I know Mr. Crush, this is the worst room in the hotel, I absolutely agree

But we don't have anything else

I'm here to offer you a complimentary bottle of champagne with our apologies

Know what you can do with that champagne?

Would you like some chocolates?

Listen...

I want you to listen, I want you to listen carefully

I make one phone call, one phone call,

before you change your shirt, and I'm gonna own your fucking hotel

Anything else?

Wait, woah, woah, I like that

I like that a lot... You know what? I'll take it

No, Mr. Crush, this suite is taken

The guest is downstairs, signing autographs

Get the fuck out of my room

Has everybody in this hotel gone insane?

Othmar! Are we serving penguin now?

- Penguin? - Yes

Maybe with a little garlic and tarragon

we could sell it as shark fin

No, Mr. Kopf, this came for...

Arthur Duncan Dallas "III"

Is not "III", it's "the Third"

Arthur Duncan Dallas the Third

To be delivered to his suite

- To his suite? - Yes

Tonino?

Yes, boss?

Do you know anything about a penguin for Dallas Duncan the Third?

A stuffed penguin?

No, live penguin!

You wait here and you watch this thing

Now we're babysitting a penguin

These wealthy people...

They'll lose everything at midnight

Morning Arthur, here's your masterpiece, all typed up and looking good

This must be a complete surprise

All we need now is people to join in the chorus

Come on in

Hansueli! Perfect timing

- Come on in, come on in - Good morning, Mr. Dallas...

- I'm so sorry to... - I know things are insane today...

I'm afraid I'll need to borrow some of your most talented personnel

- I won't keep them long - Well, yes, but...

- I'm here to talk about the penguin - He's here?

Oh, great! He's key to this whole wedding anniversary

You know, Mr. Dallas, we don't have much experience with wild animals

He's the gentlest creature in heaven!

He's the mascot of my marriage

You see, one year ago today my wife and I

were married at San Pietro di...

- Positano - Positano

A hotel as charming as your own

They had a penguin

It was most extraordinary thing

And my wife would feed him out of her hand, every day at the table

It became a symbol of our happiness

- I'm beginning to understand - Well, I've written some words

to the tune of "Happy Birthday"

Can you get us some decent voices to sing this with us?

- To the penguin? - To my wife

Of course

With pleasure

- I'll take care of it immediately - Good, good, good

An amazing paillette dress

It's him! It's him!

He's here!

Good morning, Dr. Lima, caipirinha?

Hello, Luigi, you know I'm hooked on your caipirinhas

- It'll make the end of the world better - The end of the world?

- Y2K! Doomsday! - You can't believe in this nonsense!

Of course I do, I'm ready for anything

I took all my savings out of the bank

You don't understand, he's so important

Dr. Lima!

I don't want to disturb you, but I'm so happy to see you

You remember me?

Gloria, Gloria Robinson

You did me a few years back

Yes, yes, of course

My lips

Your mouth, of course

And your nose, too, right?

Just a touch

"The Lima touch", they call it

May I introduce my dear friend, Alice?

I'm so happy to meet you, Dr. Lima

I've been waiting so long for this opportunity

What a golden opportunity!

- It's a pleasure - Could you give Alice an appointment?

Well, I'm actually on vacation

- Please! - Alice has a problem with her breasts

She had a procedure a little while ago,

and they botched it

Yeah

What's the problem?

Symmetry

Are we even allowed to do this under union rules?

Mr. Dallas is very rich, maybe we'll get a big tip

You know why the rich are rich? Because they don't tip

Puff!

Puff, where are you? Puffball, your princess is awake

To Magnolia from me

Yes, it's from Dallas Three

For our endless happiness

blooms a Magnolia tree

Happy bride and bridegroom

Here in our humble room

My most precious entity

is my Magnolia bloom

Yeah!

My darling!

Next year will be even better

Oh, my God!

Is he really for me?

- He's all yours - What a cutie!

Come here, baby

Come on

- Why won't he come out? - Pussy, pussy, pussy...

Pussy, pussy?

Does anyone know how to wrangle a penguin?

I wouldn't touch that fucker with a beanpole

- Maybe lure him with food? - He likes fish

That one looks tasty

Don't touch the fish! Please, don't touch the fish!

- Call the room service - Order him some salmon

Not smoked, fresh

Precy!

Come, quickly!

- Madam? - Madam?

Slap her

You slap her

What does she feed it to make it stink like that?

Caviar

She feeds her dog caviar

It's not good for dogs?

People in India are starving to death and she feeds her dog caviar!

You don't understand, you can't

You can't comprehend the pain of having a suffering dog

You understand nothing

Please, Marquise, calm down

For Mr. Toby's sake, we'll find a solution

I fear the worst, how soon can you get a veterinarian?

That may not be so easy, Marquise, it's New Year's Eve

Money is no object with love

She's hysterical, something's wrong with that rat of hers

I hate that dog, call the veterinarian

I did, he's in Kenya on a safari

- Then call the one in Hinterboden - He's in labor

- He is in what? - A cow is in labor

Difficult delivery, he's doing a C-section

- So what am I to do? - You know how to deal with her

He's had a problem doing his business in the snow since he was a baby

- You know that - Yes

- He can only do it on grass - Let me remind you

we're in the Alps and it's winter

Look, he's shaking all over

A doctor should examine him immediately, every second counts

- Yes, but unfortunately... - I know!

Dr. Lima!

But Dr. Lima is a plastic surgeon

But he has a medical degree

Yes, but...

He adores dogs

He has two Saint Bernards, he showed me pictures

Yes, but he would certainly call a vet for his dogs

Dr. Lima takes care of his wife so generously

Alzheimer's in a family is a terrible tragedy

- Yes, of course - I'm sure he will help Mr. Toby

Please, connect me to Dr. Lima's room

Hello?

I need to speak to Dr. Lima

Sorry, I don't know any Dr. Lima

Sorry, I'm here, my wife is joking, of course

Good morning, Marquise

Not at all, happy to hear from you

Forgive me,

I've been exclusively treating humans

No, I guess it won't hurt to have a look

Dear Russians,

dear fellow citizens,

I have been asked to become the head of state

There will be no interruption of power

not even for a minute in this country

Freedom of expression, freedom of speech,

freedom of conscience...

Yelstin was drunk

He will wake up tomorrow and think he's still president

The armed forces

are working the same as before

Our State is intact and will remain intact,

and continues working for the safety of each citizen

when deciding to step down...

What is his problem exactly?

He won't do it in the snow

He made that painfully obvious to me

He's never acted like this before

I guess there's no other way to put it...

He crapped on my bed, voilà

I see

Does he sense something?

What would he sense?

Y2K...

The end of the world, of course

Animals have an instinct

often stronger than ours, an insight

Marquise...

You can't really believe in this twaddle

I feel we're on the edge of a precipice,

with all my heart

You see,

Y2K, the end of the world,

what else?

I have to examine his stool

What did you do with the excrement?

- What? - From the Marquise

- Laundry room - With the regular bedding?

What were we supposed to do, put it in the dishwasher?

Find it, right away

Zula, really? No respect for the Marquise's poo!

Found it!

I feel like Cinderella

Except we'll never go to the fucking ball

At least not tonight

Oh, my God!

Thanks

Will there be anything else?

No, thanks so much, Mrs. Frautschi

At your service, madam

Madam, can I help you?

Can I take your suitcase? I'll take this for you

May I help you, sir?

We travel here for Mr. Crush, to see him in this hotel

- You have an appointment with Mr. Crush? - No, making surprise

He is here, yes?

Sorry, the hotel doesn't give out that kind of information regarding guests

Would you like to leave a message?

I am his son

I will notify Mr. Crush of your arrival

Welcome to the Hammam Experience!

I'm Baba Paramahansa Ravi

I will be taking care of you personally

Please, follow me

You will start with our famous foot ritua in the Infinity Room

I'm ticklish, though, just so you know

- There's no answer - There is no answer in his room

- There is no answer in his room - Yeah?

You can wait in the lobby, if you want

- Lobby - Lobby

Yeah, lobby

Good morning and welcome to the Palace hotel

Please, allow us to take care of your coats and the luggage

Yes?

So, my name is Hansueli Kopf and I'm the manager

Why don't you have something to eat?

On the house, smoked salmon, caviar...

Some oysters perhaps?

Something to eat?

Soup?

- Where are you arriving from? - Ceské Budejovice

- Is it a long way? - Very long

Changing trains, Vienna and Zurich...

- You have soup? - Yes, a lot of soup

Girls are cold

I'll bring some broth to warm them up

Put some dumplings in

What's your diagnosis, Dr. Lima?

I beg you, be absolutely honest, I'm ready for anything

I'm not a veterinarian,

but I'm certain Mr. Toby has worms

- Is that bad? - Don't worry

It's common among dogs, mine had them too

I will prescribe medicine for the parasites

to give Mr. Toby right away

- But he's not going to die? - Of course not

Thank God!

However, there's a little problem

I'm afraid you may share...

this affliction

I have worms?

Maybe, yes

Worms inside my body?

I'll be sure when I've seen...

your stool sample

My what?

Your stool

Puff! Puff, look!

- What? - We're on the front cover again

Why do you have to get so carried away, Puff?

- I didn't even have time to dry my hair - Hyenas!

Scumbucket hacks!

All they ever write about day after day

is how much...

you're going to inherit from me...

come tomorrow

Don't get so upset, Puff, your blood pressure

Honey, you already took one

And without water?

That's better

Here he comes

- Go and tell him - Me?

Yeah, it might be easier to hear it from you

Could I have a bottle of Bollinger and two glasses?

Would you like anything else?

- Yes, a couple of hot super models - Not on the menu, sir

Sir

- Your son is here - What?

Your son is here

A son? I don't have a son

At last!

Give me a hug!

- Who the hell are you? - It's me, I'm your son, Vaclav!

Listen to me, asshole

Stay the fuck away or I'll call security

Dad, we came all the way to see you from Ceské Budejovice

"Budejoic", what? "Bude"...

- So you can meet your family - My family? I don't have a family

These are your granddaughters, Ivanka and Jaromira

Listen, I don't know you, okay? So scram...

They are twins

We used artificial insemination

Dad...

I write so many letters to you, remember? I even sent you wooden squirre

- So cute, right? - Get the fuck out of my face, you clown

Incredible! How can he be so inhuman?

I am the fruit of your college love

When you were in Prague for two days... This is mama back then

Take one more step, I'm gonna bust your fucking nose wide open, hear me?

You gave her a keychain that said "Chevrolet"

I've never been to Prague, I don't even know where Prague is

You, sir, are heartless

- And on a day like this? - Do you have a light, sweetheart?

Please, please, please

This must be settled calmly, in private, please, there are other guests

Your papa is nervous, this must be a shock for him

You must give him some time, don't worry

A penguin! A penguin! A penguin!

- Tonino? - Yes, boss?

Mr. Dallas's mascot is wandering around outside The Gringo

Get it out of here immediately

Come on, it's just a penguin, come, come

Come

So, here...

You will be comfortable here for now

At the moment it's peaceful, and then we will see

Oh, my god

Can I help you, sir?

- Good afternoon, sir - Caspar Tell

I have an appointment with Mr. Crush, in the lobby bar

- Mr. Crush - I don't know Mr. Crush personally

- Perhaps someone could lead me to him? - Certainly

Mr. Crush in the lobby

Follow him

- Thank you - You're welcome

As I was saying, Marco called...

Thank you

Mr. Crush?

- Mr. Tell! Take a load off, have a seat - Yeah, yes

I was afraid I might not recognize you from your photos

From my photos?

Well, I pride myself on being thorough

The bank always runs a thorough background check on prospective clients

Yeah, well, that's good to know

I mean, background checks are... I'd expect nothing less, believe me

I know you gotta run back to your office, but...

today is a very special day

A drop of champagne with me?

Yes, please

Thank you

There we go

I shouldn't...

- Prost! - Prost

I'm very grateful for the invitation, Mr. Crush

I was here once, when I was seven

My whole first grade class came and we met Father Christmas

I always wanted to come back again

Did you bring that little thing we've discussed?

Well, that's the thing, Mr. Crush

I ran another check on your portfolio right after we spoke this morning

The numbers don't entirely add up

You see? There seems to be a difference of three zeros

- Three zeros - Caspar, listen to me

Computers worldwide are about to crash because of a "difference of zeros"

They gonna read 2000 as zeros, only zeros, zeros here, zeros there...

The whole world is going to be zeros, so an extra zero or two, who'll notice?

Me, it's my job to notice those things

- I've been a bank auditor for 31 years - Exactly!

Now, by this time tomorrow,

we'll be two of the richest men on the planet, all right?

Should we drink to that? Prost!

Prost!

You know what?

The walls have ears in here, why don't we...

go out on the terrace?

In people's minds, New Year is one precise moment, okay?

The stroke of midnight, that's fine, but midnight where?

In Tokyo? In Hawaii? Right here?

New Year's is a bust out twenty-four fucking hours, Caspar

So listen to me, you do your part and this afternoon the rest is easy

The funds get wired to London, then to New York, LA, Honolulu...

each time reaching its destination earlier than it was sent

Well, I suppose, if the credit was logged prior to the debit,

assuming the amount clears before...

We're traveling back in time, Caspar

Like a science fiction thriller

Alright? We put this tired old century in suspended animation

Alright? And then boom!

2000 hits, bang! Hits again, hits again

The whole system resets, okay?

Thank you, Y2K, cha-ching brother!

Cha-ching

Who are you?

I am a plumber, Mr. Kopf ordered me

To do what?

I put grass in your toilet

A truly magnificent idea, Hansueli

Thank you, thank you, thank you

Would you like something to drink?

Monsieur?

- Yes? - Would you like something to drink?

No

Mr. Minetti!

Ski room

Please, come in, come

Goddamn snowboarders!

Oh my God, take off the boots!

Bring some ice from the bar, hurry! Please, have a seat

Come here, here! Pull off, some ice is coming

What happened?

Snowboarders!

Mr. Minetti needs a doctor right away

A doctor? Why?

Thank you very much

- Thank you, madam - What is your name?

Karol

- Czech? - Polish, like Pope

- Pope? - Yes

- Dog likes play, yes? - I beg your pardon?

Nice dog you have

But... where did he find that?

That's not mine

Hotels! You never know who slept in your room the night before

- Yes - Toby!

Put it down!

Okay, I go

I better go now, okay?

Happy New Year, Karol

To you too, madam, Happy New Year

Is there a special party for the staff downstairs?

No, just work, all night

And what if the drain in my bathroom clogged up at, say...

four in the morning?

- I would be there - Then be

Dr. Lima, are you acquainted with our favorite artist, Mr. Minetti?

- Yes, we met briefly at the bar - Darling, boy, how I missed you!

Come with me, darling

Let's have a rest

Didn't I see you on television, dear?

Have a seat, let me get a drink

I can't, I have so much going on downstairs

C'mon, not even a little one?

Okay

- Maybe I deserve a little one - Of course you do

Here we go, to the year 2000!

- Cheers! - Cheers!

So, I will have to wear a bandage at the big party tonight?

We'll have to put something on it

You'll look like this actor from the movie, with a bandage on the nose

What was the name of the movie?

- Yes, yes, yes, yes - Boss?

- Speak - There's a problem in the kitchen

- Of course there is, coming - One for the road?

Yes, a quick one

And maybe you should have another one, a double

- A double? - Bye bye

Bye!

So let's get it over with

You must've played a doctor more than once, right?

Never

Such a cliche

Do you write your own film scripts?

I do sometimes

I used to be a producer

This bit won't hurt

I just need to measure the bone displacement

Relax, think of something pleasant

- Maybe your next film project? - Nothing in the making

I'll warn you before I do anything

Did you know that bats have a bone in their penis?

- Really? - In your line of work, it could prove...

invaluable

It's so dark in here, Puff, I thought you liked looking at me

How beautiful!

The Big Dipper!

Come on, darling

I have a star from the heaven...

just for you

The world's most precious necklace

for my most precious princess

Turn around

Put your hair up

Do I get my blowjob or what?

Testing, one, two, three...

Testing, one, two, three...

Enjoying the oysters?

Yeah, I enjoy, my wife also

The disco will open soon, but I have a quiet place for you for a while

And then we will see again, I guess.

You are very kind, Mr. Hansueli Kopf

As I told you...

Come in, come in

Sit, sit, the children's program ends soon,

but you can rest here and then we will find a better place

- They like it here - Yes, I thought so

- I have twin girls myself - Really?

- Yes - How old?

Grown up

Can I do anything else for you?

I would very much like to call my mama, tell her we are good

No problem, you can use my phone

Thank you, I will be very quick

No, take as much time as you need

Thank you

Mommy, it's me Vaclav!

We're in the same hotel as daddy

He sends his greetings

He remembers the Chevrolet keychain

He looks just like me

Only he's orange, because of the sun

in California

He may come to Budejovice

Wouldn't that be great?

I'll call you back

when I'm with him again

Bye bye, kisses

- Thank you, Mr. Kopf - Yeah

- Enjoy - Thank you

Puff?

Puff, you are okay?

Puff?

Honey, what's the matter?

Arthur!

Arthur, answer me!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Okay

Okay, don't...

Don't panic

Don't panic, don't panic

God, Magnolia, think

Concierge

- Hello, this is Mrs. Dallas - what can I do for you?

- May I speak to Mr. Kopf? - Could I have him call you back?

- No, I'll hold on - It might take a few minutes

No, that's all right, I'm not going anywhere

Mrs. Frautschi

Oh, my God! What happened here?

A guest tried to flush his banking history down the toilet

- His banking history? - More Y2K madness

Mrs. Frautschi, do you know about this Czech family?

You made sure the whole hotel knows about them

You have to find a place for them to sleep

Mr. Kopf, on a day like this?

- I can't perform miracles - I know

But just put four mattresses in a quiet corner, would you? Please

- Boss? - Yes, speak

Mrs. Dallas is asking for you

I'm coming

Who is it?

It's me, madam, Hansueli Kopf

- Are you alone? - Yes

Come in, I'm in the bedroom

Come closer, please

Good evening, what can I do for you?

Arthur told me you're someone who can be trusted

- Can I trust you? - Of course you can trust me

- You promise? - Absolutely

I'm in a terrible predicament

You're the only person who can help me, I guess

My darling husband is gone

Oh, God, he left you? He's gone on your wedding anniversary?

No, no, he's gone... forever

Just as our happiness was reaching a climax

At least I think so, anyway...

Now, he's definitely gone

Oh, my goodness! Oh, my goodness! This...

This is... this is... this is terrible

- Is he... how did he... Is he dead? - The worst part is...

I can't seem to part with him

Of course, of course, I'm so sorry

I can imagine how you feel...

No, no, that's not what I'm getting at

Back in Texas, they'd say my husband died in the saddle and...

I can't seem to dismount

Oh, God! Oh, God! I'll call the ambulance right away

No, no, no! Just get me off, please

Please...

Okay, very wel

Just give me a moment, I...

absolutely understand the situation, and I'll be back right away

Okay

Really?

Thank you

Thanks so much, Professor

And Happy New Year

I've been advised of an effective way out of such a situation

Would you mind exposing part of your abdomen?

It would be better if you closed your eyes

Oh, God!

Thank you

Thank you, Mr. Kopf, from the bottom of my heart

Well, shall I start making arrangements?

Wait, no! No, please

Not yet, there is another delicate matter

- Yes? - No one else can know until midnight

Until midnight? For religious reasons?

- You obviously don't read the tabloids - No, I try not to

For legal reasons... Wait, no

It's a technicality

I don't understand

- Today is our wedding anniversary - Yes, of course

- We sang and then there was the penguin - According to the will,

I stand to inherit everything,

but only after we've been married a full year

Everything?

It's everything

It's everything or it's nothing

Well, indeed, I understand

Turndown service!

Would you like your turndown service?

Sorry, would you like your turndown service, madam?

Turndown service?

Arthur, we don't need turndown service, do we?

No, no, thank you

Would you like the chocolates, madam?

Chocolates?

Absolutely, my husband adores these chocolates

- Have a good evening - Thank you

This will require your absolute discretion

Something bad?

- Oh, yes - How bad?

Bad bad

A vertical departure

- Who? - Dallas the Third

Fuck!

- The penthouse? - Yes

- It'll be done during the fireworks - Excellent, Mrs. Frautschi, excellent

Are you planning to dim the lights for the fireworks as usual?

- Right after the cow bells - Switch them off completely

Welcome, have a wonderful evening

Coat, please

Thank you

Good evening, Mr. Madoff

Have a wonderful evening and Happy New Year

Thank you, sir

- May I have your name, please? - Tell, Caspar Tell

I don't seem to have your name on the list

I gave you the invitation

Yes, but your name needs to be on our guest list anyway

Mr. Crush invited me, William Crush

- There's "Mr. Crush and madam" here - I'm his madam

Well of course I'm not a madam, I'm his madman...

I mean, I'm his madam...

I understand completely, welcome, Mr. Tell

Thank you

- We are business partners - Yes, sure

Have a wonderful evening

Good evening, madam

Thank you

- There's my man! - Mr. Crush

Let's celebrate, huh?

Do we deserve to celebrate?

- Yes - That's my pleasure to help, brother

Excuse me, madam, sit right here

Two champagne

It was quite easy, really

I was surprised how easy it turned out to be

Well...

you know, the important thing that you learned today, my friend, is...

the best stuff comes easy

Okay? Trust me

I do

Trust you, I mean

I suppose I have to, now

Well, what are we going to do now? When are we leaving?

Tomorrow

What?

I don't think I can be ready by tomorrow

I still haven't told my mother, I have to pack,

get organized, I have to... all the... Mr. Crush...

Call me Bill

Okay, okay, Mr. Crush

I mean, Bill

Here's to trust, okay?

Okay

- To trust, Bill - To trust

Good evening

C'mon, darling

- It's beautiful - Yes

Welcome, Excellency

I hope our last-minute visit has not caused too much trouble

Not at all, it's a true honor, your party is already at the table

Would you like to join them or would you prefer an aperitif first?

- I'll join them at the table - Follow me

Good evening, Mr. Ambassador!

Trying to broadcast my presence to the entire world?

Sit down and shut up

- All in order? - Absolutely

- No problems? - None

- Got everything? - Yes

Where?

In the safe

Where is it?

Downstairs

The key?

Let's have a look

I'll leave my wife here and you leave your friends

Just you and me

Behave!

Take good care of Mrs. Belova

Irina Anatolievna, a drink?

This I understand!

Let's drink to Irina Anatolievna!

To your mother!

- And your grandmother! - To your dog!

- To your father! - And your grandfather!

To the whole family

- Are you out of your mind? - Sorry, but this is the best we could do

And it wasn't easy

We had to dig out the right sized table and push the other tables to the side

Well, push them more together and bring me a decent table

The table is not so bad, Mr... Bill

I mean, I think it's rather... it's rather nice

Shut up!

And let me remind you that you had no reservation.

Had no reservation...

Listen...

I will not sit at this table

I'll see what I can do for you, sir

Mr. Ambassador, assuming you're still Ambassador,

the situation in Russia has changed

A new president means new possibilities

I'd like to revise our agreement

We all took risks,

so let's be fair

You might not like my line of thought

Look at it like this

There are three of us, plus three bodyguards

With all due respect to your wife, you are alone

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm pretty damn sure

I want to re-negotiate

I'm listening

Fifty-fifty

Here is my offer

You take one,

while I'm still in a good mood

Sooner or later, we will slice up the Russian cake

as usual

And if one day we want to find you,

we will find you, even on the tiniest...

Hawaiian island

- Two? - Don't push it, my boy

Don't push it, my patience has limits

I was only joking

Joking? The key

Let me see

Very good

Okay, as soon as you're finished...

Third time today!

Show your face, you son of a bitch!

Here it comes!

Caviar a go-go!

There she is

Darling! You look sensational!

Stunning! Absolutely stunning!

Where's our lucky man?

Arthur...

Arthur sends his apologies

He had another sleepless night

I know something about that

He decided to take a short nap, but he'll join us soon

He wants his beauty sleep before coming to surprise us

Handsome as Sean Connery

How are you?

It's such a significant day,

especially for you

It's so...

It's hard to put into words

We were so happy...

We are, we are...

so happy, we always will be

Welcome back

What did you scarf down?

My friends, let's toast our new leader,

who will take care of us

for many, many years to come!

What?

I wonder if I can bring my mother!

I can't leave her alone, I'm all she's got

- Your mother? - Yes, my mother

Bring your mother, bring whoever the hell you want, I don't care

Really? That's so nice, Bill, I...

She's gonna die soon

She's 98, I think she's gonna die soon

Great

And she likes hot weather

Hot weather! I'm saying, she likes it hot

Hot! My mama!

Mama likes hot, so...

I'd better go check on Arthur, he must be awake by now

- We're coming with you, darling - Maybe we should all go?

- Let's give Arthur a surprise! - No, no, that's a very bad idea

You know Arthur, he'd be embarrassed to be seen without his bowtie

Ok, we'll wait here patiently

- But hurry up, please - We won't touch the cake

We'll certainly be down for the fireworks, Arthur loves fireworks

I must go to the men's room, Bill

I really must

Now? What about your caviar?

No... I'm so sorry, Bill, I...

I'm sorry, I'm sorry

Sorry, sorry!

I'm so sorry, I...

I'm sorry, really, you...

Sorry

Sorry, I'm sorry

- Sorry! - Be more careful

Yeah, madam, sorry

Oh, God!

What have you done, Caspar?

What have you done? How could you?

After so many years of diligence!

I deserve to be seeing penguins and hearing voices...

Gimme a drag

Look at that poor baby, he's waiting for his mommy

I bet he needs help

Hi, I'm your mommy

- Help yourself - Go ahead!

No, I don't smoke ciggie

Is this marijuana?

I smoke marijuana!

I smoke marijuana!

I deserve this, you know?

Mommy gives you permission

My name... my name is...

- How cute! - Caspar, Caspar Tel

- That's my name - I'm Natasha, she's Zoijka

I'm the woman of your dreams

Fuck!

Oh, shit!

I know who you are

Holy shit!

You don't mind, do you? You're probably used to this

You know what? I'm glad I get to see that with my own two eyes

- I haven't really been hiding it - It's a monster you got there, brother

Hey, let me ask you something, is it...

Is it true that... that thing is insured for five million bucks?

It used to be, when it was earning

I wouldn't spend a penny on it now

You can't get wood, right? What good is it?

You could always join the circus

- Something special, sir? - Something very specia

- Want to know why? - Sure

- Because I can afford it - Because he can afford it

Good for you, sir

That one looks beautiful!

- I want that one, please - Good eye, sir

- Do you like this? - Yes! Yes!

Bollinger, 1938

1938

Our only bottle

One of the finest champagnes money can buy

You'll never know who invited me tonight

I was invited by Mr. Crush himself

Who is that?

- What? - You don't know Mr. Crush?

There he is, Mr. Crush! Bill!

- This is Mr. Crush... - Caspar!

- My best friend and business partner - Where were you? Your mother's worried

She's looking all over for you

I called you a cab, get his ass out of here

- Where did you get this tan? Brazil? - It's natural

Dominican?

Natural?

I'll come back, Billy

Your guest charged this to your room, could you sign, please?

12,450...

Is this a joke?

It's a unique vintage: Bollinger Collection 1938

Well, take 1938 and stick it up your ass

I'm sure I know him from somewhere

Ok, c'mon

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Don't hurt him

Please, for the love of God!

My condolences, Mrs. Dallas

Mine as well, he was such a kind man

- You know what to do, Mrs. Frautschi? - Of course, Mr. Kopf

Don't forget your Czechs, their accommodation is ready

Oh, my God, the Czechs

Yes, yes

He would've loved watching the fireworks

So, finally, your accommodation is ready

You will have clean sheets and mattresses, and it's warm

Thank you, Mr. Kopf, thank you!

We want to invite you to Ceské Budejovice

We have two rooms, you can have one all for yourself!

Thank you

Thank you

- What did you do? - We're so happy to see you again

Dr. Lima!

Look!

He's fixed them so much, he can't tell them apart

Happy New Year!

Did you see a little strange asshole come by here?

He had the same cone hat as you

He was with three beautiful Russians models

Happy New Year!

Okay, come, come, come

Please

Try that way!

Please, come this way

Mr. Crush!

He fainted with emotion!

Oh, shit, it's a heart attack!

Tonino, Tonino!

Olivia! Olivia, can you hear me?

Try mouth-to-mouth, I'll call an ambulance right away

- Mouth-to-mouth? - Yes, yes, do it!

Sorry!

Sorry, sorry, sorry

Sorry!

Ten!

Nine!

Eight!

Seven!

Six!

Five!

Four, three!

Two, one...

Happy New Year!

- Happy New Year! - Happy New Year

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

Tonino!

- Yes, boss? - Now!

- Y2K! - It's really happening

Nostradamus was right, this is the end of the world!

Oh, my God, it's happening!

What's happening? Look around, nothing's happening, they do this every year

Everything is gonna be fine, it's gonna be okay

Arthur, honeycakes!

Happy New Year!

We survived Y2K!

Didn't I tell you it was only a hoax?

Happy New Year, Amanda, Arthur's really exhausted

Well, of course

Can you believe that?

Fucking broken-down old snob!

I gave him his first decent blowjob and he doesn't even look at me

My God, what money does to people!

Tonino, switch back on

Will Grandpa go to heaven?

Or to hell?

I don't know, girls

Help yourself

Just one

Listen, don't drink it all at once

Happy New Year, Mr. Ambassador

Same to you, Happy New Year!

Close that fucking door! What are you doing?

Shit!

Happy New Year, Mr. Kopf

Happy New Year

Do you have a spare key for the safe?

I already gave you the key

Yes, but do you have a spare?

No, there is no spare

Then you have a problem, Mr. Kopf, because our Ambassador

is locked inside your safe

I have a problem?

You have a problem, huh?

Maybe? Maybe

Happy New Year

Happy New Year

Fuck

I came to repair drain

Thank you so much

That was...

the best New Year's party I've ever had

- Have a great evening - Yeah

Happy New Year

Subtitles: Laser S. Film s.r.I. - Rome