Original subtitles

( Jack Jones' "The Love Boat" playing )

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon will be making Another run ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪

( upbeat theme playing )

What's bugging you, Gopher?

No, it's not just what, it's who.

It's Captain Stubing.

Now, what's he done to you today?

It's not just today.

It's all the time.

It's always, "Gopher, get a haircut.

Gopher, do this. Gopher, do that."

I'll bet you that on every given cruise he says,

"Gopher, do something" at least 20 times.

How big a bet?

Fifty bucks.

I'll take that bet.

You got it. Me too.

Report back in 10 minutes.

Gopher.

That's one.

I'm gonna clean up this cruise.

STUBING: Gopher!

That's one.

( horn honking )

Lee, you are gonna have a fabulous time. ( sighs )

Laraine, it's just a business trip.

I know.

And I'll be all tied up with the ad campaign.

I know.

But maybe we can do it together next time, hm?

I know.

It would be nice if we could get away alone sometime.

Maybe then we'd have a chance...

I know. Talk.

We never really talk.

But we will when I get back.

I know.

WOMAN: Laraine! Laraine!

Laraine Graham!

Look who it is, Herman.

I could die.

It's Laraine,

from the apartment down the hall.

Oh, I could die.

Mr. and Mrs. Bass.

What are you doing here?

Well, what's everybody doing?

Taking a cruise.

Oh, I hope our cabins are close.

Herman, look at our tickets. Oh, oh, no,

I'm not going. I-I just came to see Lee off.

You're not going?

But your Lee is?

What happened, honey? A little fight?

You know, you can tell me.

My lips are sealed. Mm.

Isn't that right, Herman?

Lee's researching a new ad campaign for the ship line.

And he thought I would be bored if I came along.

You know, he'll be working late.

Oh. ( chuckling )

And you bought that?

I'll tell you, I wouldn't let my Herman

out of my sight for a minute.

Right, Herman?

Herman?

Herman!

Come here. We've gotta get aboard.

Well, I'll keep an eye on Lee for you, dear.

Oh, no, I don't think... You don't have to thank me.

You know, not everybody is like my Herman.

Come, Herman.

( sedate theme playing )

Mr. Yamashiro.

We've been expecting you.

I'm Captain Merrill Stubing.

It's a pleasure to have one of Japan's

foremost industrialists as an honored guest.

My personnel will respond with alacrity to your every wish.

What he say? Hm.

Oh, uh... Uh, welcome aboard.

Oh. Heh-heh.

I'm Ken Davis, Mr. Yamashiro's sales manager in the States.

It's my pleasure. I hope you like our ship.

Oh, he will like your ship.

Ship is made of steel from Yamashiro Steel Company.

Largest in the Orient.

Also hat and, uh, wristwatch.

Heh. Uh-heh.

Shaving lotion. Swinging Samurai.

Well, if there is something you need

that you don't already make, let me know.

Enjoy your cruise.

Thank you.

Heh. Uh, Davis. Hm?

Uh, you keep eye on him, hm?

Oh.

If he do good, I make him captain of my new oil tanker.

I'll remember that.

Also remember, Davis, why we take this cruise, huh?

You make real estate deal with, uh, that, uh, Newman lady.

Otherwise Yamashiro get very angry.

Make you houseboy on oil tanker.

( both laugh )

Uh.

Little joke.

Oh, yes, sir, it was.

Well, sir, better get, uh, road on the show.

Uh, that's "show on the road," sir.

Davis. Hm?

You lip your button.

Hi, lovely ladies.

Could I help you?

Adam Bricker, the ship's doctor.

Oh, a doctor.

Are you a specialist?

Mm-hm.

The Latin Hustle.

I'm Eve Colbert and this is my sister-in-law,

Ruth Newman.

Hi, Eve, Ruth. Uh.

How do you do? How are you?

Uh, Ruth is recently widowed and not into dating.

I, on the other hand, am recently divorced

and into dating heavily.

Eve, you're in luck.

I'm also recently divorced.

Oh, I bet you date heavily too.

Uh-huh.

That's why I'm recently divorced.

Come on, ladies. Thank you.

Nice, huh? Oh, it's pretty.

Oh, Ruth, this is gonna be fun.

Beautiful, isn't it?

It is so bourgeois.

Dad, do I have to come on this cruise?

Oh, come on, you'll love it.

Look, Vanessa, you're away at school most of the year.

I want a chance to get acquainted with my daughter.

You, um... You are my daughter, aren't you?

Dad, I'll make you a deal.

You don't pick on my denims,

I won't pick on your double knits.

Hello, I'm your cruise director, Julie McCoy.

Slade Summerhill.

And this is my daughter, Vanessa.

How do you do?

I'm sure that you two are gonna

have a wonderful time here.

We have lots of activities:

swimming, dancing, shuffleboard.

Do you have any cultural events? Well, yes.

You can pick up a list of lectures

from the purser's desk.

Thank you.

Mm-hm.

Okay, Mr. Summerhill, let me check and see

what your seating arrangement will be for dinner.

Yeah, you get strict teachers to help you.

Oh. ( speaks indistinctly )

Who is that, uh, deck hand Vanessa's talking to?

Oh, sir, that isn't a deck hand.

That's our assistant purser, Burl Smith.

He's a ship's officer.

You're kidding.

Not only do we have lectures,

we have a terrific ship's library.

Great. Do you have any books on Lenin?

No. But I think we've got one on Ringo.

Come on. I'll show you.

STUBING: Gopher?

Ah. Uh, excuse me. That's the captain.

Yes, sir? ( clears throat )

You're supposed to help Miss McCoy

board all the passengers,

not just the pretty ones.

Yeah, yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

( sighs )

That's two, and we haven't even left the port yet.

Oh, it's ship's business, sir.

( horn honking )

( chattering excitedly )

( horn honking )

( speaking inaudibly )

Excuse me, sir, but, uh, you're in my cabin.

Uh, there must be some mistake.

What? This is my cabin.

Oh?

Well, I'm not leaving.

Well... what should we do about it?

I guess we'll just have to make the best of it.

( both laughing )

BOTH: Mm.

I was getting sick of meeting in hotel rooms.

Lee, there's gonna be a Welcome Aboard,

a cocktail party on the Lido Deck.

Yeah. We can be, uh, lovers later,

but, oh, let's be people first.

Please, please? Mm.

Okay, I guess I can wait.

Oh, good.

Is the party over yet?

( laughs )

Lee!

( upbeat theme playing )

Uh, here you go, Mr. Yamashiro.

Dragon's Breath.

Our finest sake.

Of course. Heh.

Made by Yamashiro Distillery.

( chuckles )

Uh, up the hatch.

Mm.

Mr. Yamashiro? Hm?

Listen, now that we're aboard, uh,

how about taking a look at that

invention I talked to you about?

Oh, no, no, no. Hm?

Your invention not ready to work yet,

and, uh, I'm not ready to buy.

Now, you concentrate on your job,

or you gonna be ready for unemployment.

Right. Uh... Mrs. Newman is on board, sir.

Oh. Good, good.

Now, you arrange for lady to sell us electronics factory, hm?

I am tired of hearing no for answer. Hm.

Make her offer she cannot excuse.

Uh, that's "refuse," sir.

You refuse?

Oh, no.

No, no. Uh... But, Mr. Yamashiro,

we've already offered her a million-five.

Then sweeten the offer. Mm.

Throw in a color TV.

American color TV.

( laughs )

Mm. Funny joke.

( chuckles )

You make a deal, or you gonna laugh in the poorhouse.

( sighs )

Well, Mr. What-Ya-Call-It, of all people.

Oh. Mrs. Newman, what a surprise.

Uh, of course you remember Mr. Yamashiro.

Of course.

You're the one who's going to buy the United States.

( both laugh )

Um, suppose I start by buying you drink, eh?

Uh, poison your name.

No, thank you.

You know, I have a funny feeling

that our being on the same cruise

is not a... A total accident.

Well, what makes you say that?

( chuckles )

Because my instincts are very good,

and your acting is lousy.

Sayonara.

Sayonara.

Getting her to sell isn't gonna be easy.

Uh, then use the brain. Hm?

See, Davis, this woman not interested in big checks.

So maybe use a little sex. Heh-heh.

Sex?

Why you think I bring you here?

I heard you have, uh, black belt in hanky-panky. Huh?

This whole cruise is gross.

And when I think of the money you spent on it.

Can I help it if I have money?

But, Daddy, you didn't earn it.

I didn't steal it.

I inherited it from Uncle Zachary.

Who piled up a fortune from the sweat of the masses.

You could say that.

He invented a deodorant.

Hi, Vanessa.

Hi, Gopher.

Bye, Gopher.

Why did you chase him off?

You can do better than a sawed-off clerk

in a sailor suit.

Well, at least he's a worker.

He earns his keep.

With his prospects, he'll never earn yours.

( gasps )

You make me so mad... I'm not going to yell.

I'm going to meditate.

( chanting ): Om.

Om.

Mm. To our romantic cruise.

To our first drink together...

not from room service.

Lee!

Lee Graham!

Herman, look who it is.

It's Lee. I could die.

I could die too.

Oh.

What a surprise. It's me.

Cora and Herman from the apartment building.

Cora and Herman from the apartment building.

What a coincidence.

Terrific.

We'll see you around the ship.

I don't believe we know your lady friend.

She's no lady friend.

I mean, she's a lady, but she's no friend.

We just met.

Uh, this is Cora and Herman from the apartment building,

and I'm Lee Graham.

Hm. And I'm Andrea Martin.

So nice to meet you.

We saw Laraine on the pier.

Laraine?

Yes. Laraine. Your wife.

Oh, Andrea, you should meet his wife.

Oh, salt of the earth, that woman.

Larraine couldn't come.

This trip is strictly business.

The ad campaign for the cruise line.

Well, Herman and I are not gonna let you work that hard.

This is our first day out.

Now, come on, we'll tour the ship.

No, no, no, no. I couldn't.

I promised Laraine I'd take care of you.

Have a nice time, honey.

Hope you meet someone.

Come, Herman.

( upbeat theme playing )

( soft music playing on speakers )

Oh.

Oh. You won't believe who I ran into

on the Lido Deck.

R2-D2 and C-3PO.

Close. Ken Davis and Mr. Yamashiro. ( gasps )

Do you think they followed you here?

Uh-huh.

They must really want you to sell.

( scoffs ) No way.

Ruth, the man has offered you

a million and a half.

Kind of tempting.

Not to me.

Ruth, listen to me.

Sell Yamashiro the business.

You don't need it.

No!

Frank built that business from nothing.

He wouldn't want me to sell.

Look, Eve, the only way I can keep Frank's memory alive

is to keep the business alive.

Ruth, he's been gone for over a year now.

It's time to stop mourning

and to start living.

Come on.

Have dinner with Doc and me.

Okay.

As long as the specialty tonight is not Japanese food.

I'm afraid you're in the wrong cabin, sir.

You don't even know me. Hm.

But I'd like to.

I missed you.

Oh, and I missed you.

Did you have to spend the whole afternoon

with Cora's welcome wagon?

But we haven't missed the evening's activities.

Yeah. Like, uh... dinner and dancing,

and a walk in the moonlight.

Andrea, I thought we'd spend

our first night out more romantically. Mm. Hm.

So I ordered dinner in.

What you mean is you don't want Cora

to see us together again, right?

Well, you saw that woman.

She'd like nothing better than to tell Laraine

that I'm having an affair.

Well, maybe it would be better if she found out.

Then you'd have to make up your mind

whether you're gonna divorce your wife or not.

Well, I'm gonna divorce her,

but the news needs to come from me.

Not from some nosy busybody.

Oh.

Oh. Oh, look, look, uh, let's just forget about that.

Look, tonight it's just us. Okay?

( knocking on door )

CORA: Lee?

Dressed for dinner yet?

Honey, look. Look, just bear with me, okay?

Look, I'll get rid of her, okay?

Just... Just... Just for one...

You're not gonna put me in that thing!

Uh, coming, Cora.

( whimsical theme playing )

Cigarettes.

Oh, Cora, Herman. Ah.

You look so wonderful. All dressed for dinner, huh?

Ooh. Well, you better get going.

You don't wanna miss the hors d'oeuvres.

Oh, have I got great news for you.

I spoke to that attractive cruise director, Julie.

Arranged for the three of us to be seated at the same table.

( giggles )

Well, that's wonderful news, Cora,

but, uh, I'm not hungry tonight. Oh.

And I'm gonna turn in early.

Oh, cigarettes.

I didn't know you smoked.

Oh. For years.

Uh. It's a filthy habit.

In fact, I'm gonna give it up right now.

I'm gonna just flush these right down the toilet.

( toilet flushes )

Good evening, sir.

I thought you said you weren't hungry.

Well, I have to sample the ship's cuisine.

It's, uh, part of my job.

Working on the brochure, you know...

Now, what do we have here:

uh, duck l'orange, one liver Veneziana.

Two dinners?

( chuckles )

There must be some mistake.

Yes. I only ordered the liver.

Liver? Oh, Herman loves liver.

Steward, I suggest you check which cabin ordered that duck.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you very much.

And, uh, you'd better be

hurrying to the dining room.

You don't want them to run out of liver, do you, Herman?

He's right, Herman.

Bon appétit.

Why don't we meet later? You know, after dinner.

We could go to the show. And then we could go dancing.

Swell.

Come, Herman. I'll see you there.

Come, dear. Come.

Later. ( laughs )

Matches.

You forgot the matches.

( upbeat theme playing )

( slow jazz playing, people chattering )

And so that's when I realized I had to join the Personhood.

Uh... The... The what?

The Personhood.

It's a movement.

We believe that nobody should lead a...

And nobody should follow.

We are all equal persons.

Well, you're the most beautiful person I've ever seen.

Only a beautiful person would say that.

Oh, thank you.

Uh, this person would like to personally request

your person to dance, but there's a small problem.

What's the problem?

Which person leads?

Nobody.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Oh, Captain Stubing. Uh... Uh,

could I have a word with you for a minute?

Oh, yes, Mr. Summerhill.

Uh, that's, uh, my daughter

over there dancing with a member of your crew.

Um, Gopher?

Mm-hm.

Call me snobbish, but I don't want my daughter

to throw herself away on a... gofer.

Oh.

Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Summerhill, but, uh, I make it a point

never to interfere in the private lives of my crew.

Would it make any difference if I told you

I was a close friend of one of the directors

of this cruise line?

None whatsoever.

I'm sorry. I... I shouldn't have said that.

Could I just ask for your help as a...

A very concerned father.

Well... that's different.

You know, this really isn't my style at all.

On a night like this, my person wants to run barefoot through

the fields and gaze at the stars.

Oh, wow.

Well, we can't supply the fields,

but we could take off our shoes and look at the stars.

Come on, follow me.

No.

No, nobody follows.

Share this direction with my person.

Gopher. Oh, boy.

Incredible timing. That's five.

I'll see you on the deck.

( clears throat )

Yes, sir?

Gopher, I hate to tell you this,

but, uh, Vanessa's father is concerned

that you're leading his daughter astray.

Well, that's impossible, sir,

because there are no leaders and there are no followers.

I don't follow you. Exactly, sir.

You understand. I don't understand.

Now, look, I've passed the message on,

the rest is up to you.

Do you follow me? I can't, sir.

There are no followers.

( sighs )

There are no followers?

Oh, poor Gopher.

Poor us.

I never saw 50 bucks go so fast.

Look, we'll sweeten the deal with 200 shares

of Yamashiro stock

and another 50,000 in cash, huh?

I said no in a letter,

and I said no to your attorney's attorney when he called me.

Now, would you please buzz off, Mr. Davis?

Please, call me Ken.

Okay, Ken. Buzz off.

Look, why are you shooting me down?

You know absolutely nothing about me.

Oh, come on, we have nothing in common.

We do so. Um...

we're, I mean, here at the same table together.

( sarcastically ): Whoopee. Let's get married.

( sighs )

Now, look, we do have something in common.

I mean, that is, if... If you really run your husband's

electronics firm, and aren't just a... A figurehead.

Run it, bud.

I run it at a profit.

Well, okay. All right.

Well, then maybe you'd be interested

in something that I've invented.

What is this something?

Well, we... have to go down to my cabin,

and I'll show it to you.

Now, honest.

Okay. But if this invention of yours

is as old as your line,

you are in big trouble.

Okay. Come on. Let's go.

( upbeat theme playing )

You know, your captain is a fascist.

He certainly is.

Ordering you not to see me.

( sighs )

Boy, a swell night for romance, huh?

Moonlight.

Vanessa... I'm crazy about you.

I feel the vibes, Gopher.

It's just that... I can only love a person.

And that captain is turning you into a nonperson with his:

"Gopher, do this. Gopher, do that."

Oh, well, he's not like that all the time.

MAN: Gopher! Oh.

Not all the time, huh?

Gopher!

Doc. Will you knock it off, please? ( laughs )

Say, Julie's not feeling very well,

and the captain wants you

to take over for her at bingo.

You're not gonna do it, are you?

Well, yeah, uh... Julie is my friend and I...

Well, it's my job.

And you're a nonperson.

Wait a minute. Vanessa, wait...

Say, if you're a nonperson, does that mean it's a nonbet?

Nonsense.

KEN: It's really quite simple.

All I do is speak, and it's down on paper.

RUTH: It's incredible. I can't believe it.

You invented this?

Mm-hm. Of course,

it still has a few bugs in it.

Like what? Oh. Well, like that.

It takes things down that it's not supposed to.

You know, this thing could make you a millionaire.

Not really.

It still needs some development,

and I can't afford the financing.

Well, what about Yamashiro?

Yamashiro's only interested in sure things.

And that isn't that sure.

( chuckles )

So, you see, it wasn't a ploy

to lure you down to my cabin.

Well it beats, "You wanna see my etchings?" ( chuckles )

You know, you're really quite beautiful.

You've got a beautiful smile,

beautiful sense of humor,

and a beautiful head on your shoulders.

How come you're so rotten at business?

What do you mean? ( scoffs )

Well, let me put it this way.

We'll sweeten the sweetener, okay?

Five hundred shares of Yamashiro stock

and the rest in cash.

( scoffs )

Oh, boy, I should've known better. What?

You and Yamashiro never give up, do you?

Well, wait, wait...

Well, I'm not buying it, buster.

And I'm not selling either. Oh...

And you, mind your own business.

( whimsical theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

( sighs )

Oh, good morning, Mr. Yamashiro.

Ah, good morning.

Ah. Uh, Davis, uh, no bush around the beat, eh?

Uh, give me report.

Well, the good news is

they're having tempura for lunch.

( chuckles )

The bad news is Mrs. Newman.

I tried everything I could.

It's... It's no sale.

No sale.

No sale?

( speaks angrily in Japanese )

Boy, did he seem mad.

What did he say?

Well, I'm not sure.

But I think I just lost my Christmas bonus.

Hey, good morning.

Did you sleep all right?

The way you snore?

Oh-ho. I'm sorry.

Hey, I'm sorry this trip has been miserable for you.

I'll tell you what. Let's start all over again.

Get dressed, we'll have breakfast.

In fact, I'm so hungry I'll have five breakfasts.

Then we'll do whatever you wanna do.

You mean it? ( gasps )

Oh, what about Cora and Herman?

Who cares about Cora and Herman?

We can't go on like this.

Oh, Lee. Thank you.

Mm.

And I've made a decision.

I'm divorcing Laraine.

Oh, Lee.

( chanting ): Om.

Om.

( knock on door )

( chants ): Come in.

Excuse me.

I wasn't trying to overhear

your mantra or anything, but could...

Could this nonperson talk to your person?

( door closes )

Gopher, I'm sorry I called you that.

No, no.

I am sorry that I ran out on you last night.

You couldn't help it. I could help it, Vanessa.

I've been doing a lot of thinking.

And what you said about the personhood,

and then no leaders and no followers.

And the feudal system and running barefoot.

It makes a lot of sense.

It does? Oh, Gopher, I love you.

And it's not Gopher.

It is Assistant Purser Burl Smith.

That's it. Assert your pride and dignity.

Right.

And don't let Captain Stubing boss you around.

Right.

Yeah, but he's the captain.

He's just another person, isn't he?

Yeah.

Yeah, but who...? Then who runs the ship?

You'll all run it.

One person, one vote.

Oh, wow.

It's personhood.

I never even thought of it that way.

Oh, Vanessa. J...

I feel like a... Like a new man.

A new person.

Oh, wow.

( soft piano music playing )

I really wasn't sure you'd see me

after last night.

Well, I... I wanted to bury the hatchet.

Thank you. Sure.

In my head.

( laughs )

Last night I did.

But you were only doing your job.

I like you, Ken.

But mostly when you're not talking business.

I like you too.

And that's not business.

Well, I just can't figure it.

Is running that company so important to you,

or are you just... You just afraid?

Oh. Afraid of what?

Afraid of letting go.

Afraid of change.

Ho-ho.

Look who's talking about being afraid.

Mr. Yamashiro treats you like a flunky,

and you're afraid of leaving him.

I can't.

You don't need him, Ken.

You've got a wonderful invention

that you're gonna make a bundle from.

Ruth, without that steady salary,

I couldn't afford to market it.

And, uh... I may lose that, heh,

if you don't sell your business to Yamashiro.

( puts drink on table )

He'd actually fire you?

You don't know him like I do.

Oh. I know you.

And I know you're conning me again.

Ruth, I... You don't expect me to buy that?

Getting fired?

How desperate can you be?

Pretty desperate.

( sighs ) ( sighs )

Oh, I... I'm losing my job and losing you.

Put that on my tab.

Certainly.

( upbeat theme playing )

Sent for me, sir?

Ah, yes. Come in, Gopher.

Ah, sir? Hm?

It's not Gopher.

It's Assistant Purser Burl Smith.

Of course.

I mean, I don't call you Stubie-buby.

I get your drift, Gopher.

Uh... Uh, Smith.

I just wanted to thank you

for filling in for Miss McCoy last night.

No problem, sir. Just part of the job.

Aye.

Dismissed. ( clears throat )

Oh, uh, would you mind dropping off

my dress whites at the cleaners?

These? Yes.

Yes, sir, I'd mind.

What?

It would demean my personhood.

I don't follow you.

Exactly, sir. There is no following.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Now, I order you to take my dress whites to the cleaners.

No, sir.

"No, sir?"

Yes, sir. No, sir.

Are you disobeying an order?

Unless we vote on it, sir.

You know, one person, one vote.

Well, this is my vote.

Gopher, you're fired.

Uh, Mr. Smith.

He's fired too.

Now, get out of here, the both of you.

We're shoving off now. Sh... ( opens door )

( sighs ) ( door closes )

The both of you?

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh, Lee, isn't this great?

See, we can be like real people.

Oh, sure. Hm-hm.

Let's have a drink. Okay.

Lee. Andrea.

Well, you two are getting to be quite an item.

Oh, Miss Martin was just giving me

her point of view on my ad campaign.

Heh, yes, but I'm not sure he's getting my point.

LEE: Well, thanks for everything.

Oh, I wish I could stay and chat more, but I have

an appointment on the Bridge with the captain.

I'll see you later.

He never stops.

He's burying himself in his work.

Heh. He's burying himself all right.

( whimsical theme playing )

Come, Herman.

So then I said to this munchkin,

can you do that standing up?

( both laugh )

Hi, Isaac. Hi, Isaac.

Hey, Doc. Hi.

How you feeling, Julie?

Oh, much better,

thanks to Doc's prescription.

Oh, nothing to it.

Oh, what did he tell you to take?

Yesterday off.

Vanessa, I did it.

I stood up to the captain.

Burl.

No more, "Gopher do this, Gopher do that."

Fabulous. I love you. Oh.

I love you too. We win the bet.

GOPHER: Oh, who cares about that.

I told the captain to stop calling me Gopher.

And he ordered me to take his dress whites

to the cleaners.

And I said, "No. Not without a vote."

And he said, "Gopher, you're fired."

And I said, "It is Mr. Smith." And...

He said, "Gopher, you're fired."

That's what he said.

Gopher... you directly disobeyed an order?

Well, I guess I did, but...

Well, he's just a person,

and I'm just a person.

And his person canned my person.

Here, man. I think you're gonna need this.

No, I... No, I can't drink on the job.

You can while you're looking for one.

GOPHER: I'm fired.

Jeez. I'm really gonna

miss all this. You guys and...

And the ship.

I'm... I'm gonna t-turn in my uniform.

( melancholy theme playing )

I didn't mean for him to go that far.

I cost him his job.

What a bummer.

Well, uh, don't take it so hard.

I mean, all we have to do is get

Captain Stubing to change his mind.

Like she said, what a bummer.

( upbeat theme playing )

Mind if I join you?

Mm. Please do.

Right here. Where's Ken?

I don't know, and I couldn't care less.

EVE: Oh, and I thought you two were

just starting to hit it off.

Oh, yeah, yeah. He hit on me, and it's off.

Heh. Mrs. Newman?

Mrs. Newman.

Boy, you harder to find

than a haystack in a needle.

( laughs )

I-I wanna make you a new offer.

Well, you're wasting your time.

I already turned down your sales manager.

Oh, uh, but that why, uh,

Yamashiro no longer have sales manager.

I, uh, give Davis the old, uh,

ho-heave. Heh.

You fired Ken?

Yeah.

Well, then he was telling the truth.

Excuse me.

Yeah. Oh, uh... Uh, Miss Newman.

Miss Newman, I... I wanna buy the factory

even if it cost me a arm and a leg.

Ah, well you throw in your head, and we'll talk.

Miss New...

Andrea, don't say it.

I have nothing to say to you.

Good. Ever again.

"No more lies, no more hiding."

I'm... I'm sorry.

I... Look, I lost my nerve.

I need more time.

Huh. More time?

How long do I have to wait?

We come onboard for a little freedom,

and I end up trapped in a floating motel room

just because you're afraid of some gossipy neighbor.

Cora Bass just isn't a gossip.

She's Hedda Hopper in support hose.

Now, I've been thinking, it just isn't fair to Laraine.

Well.

What about being fair to me for a change?

Look... Look... soon as we get back,

I'll ask for a divorce.

I promise.

I am sick of your promises.

I am sick of this ship.

And I am definitely sick of you!

Andrea.

Andrea!

( melancholy theme playing )

( sighs )

I'm sorry, Ken.

I should've believed you

when you said your job was on the line.

It's not your fault, Ruth.

If he hadn't fired me for this,

he would've found some other reason.

Well, you'll find another job.

Anyway, you've still got this.

"Yamashiro want business.

You tell widow lady you in love."

Ruth, don't read any more of that, please...

"You happen to be right." Please.

"I do love Ruth, but I'm not

going to use that as a weapon."

( sighs )

Is this true?

Look, the invention is not perfect yet, and...

( tender theme playing )

( sighs )

Well, unless it spelled your name

wrong or something, I... Oh, Ken.

Ruth, I do love you. Very much.

Well, why didn't you say something last night?

Listen, you wouldn't believe me about being fired.

How would you believe me about saying I love you?

I guess you're right.

Would you believe that I believed that you...

( laughs ): Forget it. ( laughs )

I've decided to sell part of the company.

Oh, not to Yamashiro.

That's crazy... No. Not to Yamashiro.

I want to sell it to you.

To me? Yeah.

Oh, honey, I can't afford that.

Well you can pay for it with

half interest in your invention.

But it's not proven.

It is to me.

( typing )

Oh, boy, be careful.

Anything you say around here can be held against you.

( both laughing )

( sedate theme playing )

Hi.

Go away.

Andrea, I can't.

I want you. I said, go away.

I've been a coward, I know...

It is not cowardice.

Lee, deep down inside

you just don't want to leave Laraine.

( sighs )

Andrea, I... You know I'm right.

You, uh, may want me...

but you need Laraine.

I mean, you two have been married for a very long time,

and sometimes when people have been married

for such a long time, they forget to say

the "I love you's,"

or "You look beautiful", or "I miss you."

I don't know, maybe it's because you said 'em

so often, they just don't mean anything anymore.

So your life gets bland...

and your marriage too.

And so you think you wanna add

a little spice to your life.

Andrea... Lee.

I am only the spice in your life.

Tsk. You probably have a wonderful wife.

So why don't you just go back

and let her show you how wonderful she can be.

Thank you.

Yeah.

You know...

when I thought about this cruise,

and I dreamed about

the night like this with the ocean,

the breeze and the stars...

heh... and us kissing...

I never thought it would be a goodbye kiss.

Working on your campaign, Mr. Graham?

Don't look, Herman.

( sedate theme playing )

( knocking on door )

Come in.

Tsk.

What is this, a lynch mob?

Uh, call it a delegation, sir.

Captain, we'd like you to reconsider about Gopher.

I'm to blame for everything.

GOPHER: Uh, sir.

I would like to apologize for defying an order.

I don't know what got into me.

I know. My silly ideas.

Vanessa...

there's nothing wrong in having ideas.

But sometimes we're too hasty in acting them out.

You see, Gopher, it's just as hard

to give an order as it is to take one.

But I have a great responsibility for this ship...

and for everyone aboard it.

Vanessa, it's like being a father.

Now, you may think that your father

is bossing you around,

but all he wants is what's best for you.

I know.

It's just that sometimes it's hard to live that way.

Young lady...

nobody said life had to be easy.

Mr. Smith.

Uh, call me Gopher.

Thank you.

Call me Captain Stubing.

Now, let's just look on this

entire episode... as an experiment.

Yes, sir.

An experiment that failed... miserably.

Miserably.

Miserably.

Now... all of those in favor of reinstating

Yeoman Purser Smith, please say "Aye".

ALL: Aye, aye, sir.

All opposed.

Congratulations, assistant purser.

You are hereby unfired.

Now... that is the first and last vote

you will ever take on this ship.

This is an order. ( clears throat )

Ha. Yes, sir.

Thank you, sir. Mm-hm.

( door closes )

( cheery theme playing )

( bell dings )

( upbeat theme playing )

We'd better say goodbye here.

You okay?

My back hurts.

I never slept in a bathtub before.

You didn't have to do that, you know.

I know.

But for the first time in a long time

my conscience doesn't hurt.

Nor mine.

Goodbye, Lee.

Good luck.

YAMASHIRO: Mrs. Newman?

Mrs. Newman, wait, please. Eh-heh.

Uh, one last big chance, eh?

You sell me the factory?

Ask my new advisor.

Sure.

Him?

I fire and you hire?

EVE: Not exactly.

They're gonna get married.

And as for the factory,

we're gonna use it to produce my invention.

Oh, married.

Heh-heh.

Yamashiro invest in, uh, invention.

How about, uh, 100,000 to start, eh?

Call it, uh, wedding present.

That's very generous of you.

Old American saying, eh-heh:

"You can't join 'em, beat 'em." Heh.

Laraine.

How did it go?

Did you get your business accomplished?

Well, Laraine... there's something...

Something I got to explain.

It really wasn't a business trip.

Thank you for being honest.

I knew.

( sighs )

I've been so stupid.

But I'm back.

I mean, really back, if you'll take me.

I do love you, Laraine.

And I hope you believe me, 'cause I mean it.

I love you too.

Wait.

I'll get my bags.

Okay.

( door closes, cab drives off )

Laraine.

You poor thing.

Have I got something to tell you.

No, Cora. You don't have a thing to tell me.

Oh, it's so sad,

because a wife is always the last to know.

Right, Herman?

Herman.

Come, Herman.

( speak indistinctly )

Vanessa told me about the talk you had.

Thanks.

You're quite a guy.

Vanessa's quite a girl.

Though I must say, sometimes I find

young people hard to understand.

Yeah.

What does she see in him?

But I almost got you fired.

Oh, no.

No, I got me fired.

Instead of being my own person,

my person was impersonating your person.

I don't follow you. And I don't follow you.

Isn't that great?

Oh. Far out. Mm.

Come on, Vanessa.

Okay, Gopher. Time to pay up.

Uh-huh. The captain only picked on you 19 times.

One short.

That means you owe us 50 bucks apiece.

Come on, pay up.

Gopher.

Thank you, sir.

And thank you.

That will be $50 apiece, please.

Don't worry, you'll all get a receipt.

Oh, yeah, sure. Oh, shoot.

( all chattering )

( adventurous theme playing )