Original subtitles

( Jack Jones' "The Love Boat" playing )

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon will be making Another run ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪

( upbeat theme playing )

Hello, welcome aboard. Hello.

Welcome aboard. Hi. Welcome aboard.

Hi, welcome aboard.

Kurt. Huh?

Wait. This stuff is heavy.

Ha-ha-ha. The weaker sex. ( groans )

Oh, how do you do?

I'm Julie McCoy,

the weak little cruise director.

Hi, sugar.

I'm Kurt Stenzel,

and this is Dee Dee Donnelly, my chick.

Huh. Your chick?

We're engaged.

Having ourselves a little early honeymoon.

Right, sugar face, huh? ( chuckles )

Oh, Kurt. Heh.

That's the finest animal I've ever owned.

Come on, come on.

Let's go, huh?

I'm gonna break every bone in his body.

Easy. You're on duty.

Welcome aboard.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Are you associated with the cruise?

No. Somebody stole my ice cream truck.

Ah. Sorry.

Ha-ha. No, I'm only kidding.

Oh. Oh, that was a funny.

( chuckles ) That was funny.

Yeah, I'm Adam Bricker, the ship's doctor.

Nelson Hoag. Hi.

Are there gonna be a lot of single girls on this cruise?

Well, we get our share.

Ah. Where do you keep them?

Is there any special place they hang out?

Not really. If you don't count my cabin.

Say, there's one of your basic single girls right there.

Thank you. Excuse me.

( clears throat )

Hello. My name is Nelson Hoag.

Would you please marry me?

Don't be discouraged.

With a suave approach like that, you can't miss.

Hi, welcome aboard.

Hello. Hey.

Oh, good heavens! Who died?

Uh, these are for Ireni Jermaine.

Really?

Well, that's who all these cablegrams are for.

Oh, yeah?

You know, one of 'em's from Burt Reynolds.

He says he'll just kill himself

if she doesn't come home soon.

( chuckles )

Ireni Jermaine. Promenade Deck 341.

Up the stairs.

( sighs ) Who is Ireni Jermaine?

( horn honks )

Ah. Now, remember to say goodbye to the kids, okay?

Well, look, Irene... Ah-ah. It's Ireni.

Oh, well, I'm your sister. It's Irene.

Did you send the flowers?

Yes. And... And the cablegrams.

Do you know how much all this is costing you?

Not including the cruise and the clothes?

I know.

But how can I have my fling?

I wanna be somebody for a change.

Well, you are somebody.

You're a housewife from Pacoima.

A widowed housewife from Pacoima.

Oh, Philip will be spinning in his grave.

My Philip spin? At best a twitch or two.

Look. He was a wonderful man, and I loved him dearly.

But that was a long time ago,

and right now, I... I wanna meet someone glamorous.

And in order to meet someone glamorous,

I gotta be someone glamorous.

Oh, sis.

Look, uh, I gotta go.

You just call me five times a day

and, uh, make up important names.

Love you.

How's about Catherine the Great?

( playful theme playing )

( mysterious theme playing )

( clears throat )

I'm O'Rourke. Who are you?

Smith. Call me Gopher.

Mm-hm.

Can I trust you?

Well, not if we were out in the moonlight,

but here in the lobby...

I'm a reporter for Defile magazine...

Oh. - -traveling incognito

on this bucket of lust to write a story

that will blow the lid off.

Well, there's nothing to write about on this ship.

I didn't just fall off the turnip truck, you know.

I know what's going on.

Musical cabins, wife-swapping, organized hanky-panky.

You're wrong. I swear. Sure,

sure, sure, sure.

Look, just, uh...

keep your eyes open for me, will you?

I'll be in touch.

Should be another interesting cruise.

We got a full boat.

Uh, it's a ship.

And, yes, it certainly should be.

Who is that tawny creature?

Dr. Bricker, that tawny creature is off-limits to you.

You know her?

Not yet. But I will.

Oh, you must be Ireni Jermaine.

Quite.

Well, then, all of these are for you.

Oh. Heh-heh. Welcome to the Princess.

Captain Merrill Stubing at your command.

How sweet. Ireni Jermaine. ( chuckles )

I hope you get into your cabin, Miss Jermaine.

There must be a ton of flowers in there.

( chuckles )

Marlon. Hee-hee. Jack and Warren too.

Oh, they're always doing things like that.

It's sweet.

But it's a bit of a pain.

Oh, why don't you distribute them

among the indigent passengers.

Bye-bye.

What a fascinating woman, isn't she, Captain Stubing?

Captain Stubing?

Hm?

Oh. ( chuckles )

( horn blowing )

( all shouting )

Bye.

WOMAN: Goodbye.

( cheering )

( horn blowing )

( upbeat theme playing )

Hey, what's the matter? Y-you mad at me or something?

"The finest animal I own."

I could have died.

W... Well, I meant that as a compliment.

You are... You know, you are a fine animal.

Do you think you own me like one of your horses?

Hey, don't make any cracks about my horses.

Hey, give the big guy a kiss.

No!

Come on. You don't care about me.

To you, I'm just some chick.

No, you're not some chick. You're my chick.

How about I am a person?

Okay. Okay. You're a person.

Now, shut up before I belt you.

Do you know what you are?

A male chauvinist pig.

Hey, hey. Hey. You're damn right I am.

You know what the big guy is?

He is the Rock Island Line.

You wanna ride it, you ride it like you find it.

You don't like it, ptt, adios amigo.

Oh yeah? Well, ptt, adios amigo yourself.

Get out of the cabin and leave me alone!

Uh-uh-uh. I paid for the cabin.

You wanna be left alone? There's the door, baby.

Uh-huh. I'll give you alone.

Ha-ha. I can do that real good.

And, uh, angel,

when you cool down, why don't you come back?

I need a back rub, huh?

Oh, and bring me some cigarettes.

( dramatic theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

Hello.

Oh. I'm, uh...

I'm Nelson Hoag. Would you marry me?

Doesn't anyone wanna play shuffleboard anymore?

( sighs )

Don't feel bad. She didn't buy me line either.

It's not a line. I have to get married.

Oh? It's the truth.

If I tell you why,

do you promise not to tell anyone?

Not even the American Medical Association.

Ah, word of honor.

Look, next week I'll be 25 years old. Mm-hm.

And according to my grandfather's will,

if I'm not married by then, I lose my inheritance.

Oh, I got you. Yeah.

But you just can't go up to a girl and say,

"Will you marry me?"

You gotta strike up a conversation,

you gotta get acquainted,

you gotta be... cool.

I'll try that. Thank you.

Hello. I'm Nelson Hoag.

Would...? Would you like to get acquainted?

( whimpers, sobbing )

( sniffles )

Excuse me. Hm?

I'd like to talk to the person in charge of cabins.

Well, that's me. Uh... Oh.

There some problem?

I have moved out of my boyfriend's cabin,

and I would like a cabin of my own, please.

Oh, ma'am. The ship is booked to the gunwales.

There isn't a cabin I can give you.

( whining ): Oh, no.

Oh, I can't go crawling back to him.

That's exactly what he wants me to do.

( sighs, sniffles )

He even said to bring him cigarettes.

Uh, gee, I'm sorry, ma'am.

I just wish there was something I could do.

Some teeny-weeny little space someplace?

I could sleep on a sofa. Please?

Uh, let me see if I can find us a sofa.

Just a tiny little spot.

I don't take up very much room. I'm very quiet.

Now, now. ( sobbing )

I can't bear to see a beautiful woman cry.

As it happens, I can help.

You can?

I'm Adam Bricker, and I have

a very, very large cabin.

I rattle around in there all by myself.

( sighs )

Consider it yours.

Oh, really? BRICKER: Certainly.

After all, as the ship's doctor,

it's my job to make people feel good.

( chuckles, sniffles )

Cabin C-117. ( repeats, silently )

The door's open.

Oh, thank you, Dr. Bricker.

Thank you very much. C-117.

Mm-hm. C-117. C-117.

C-117.

C-117.

If you think she's grateful now...

( sighs ) wait till later.

( whimsical theme playing )

No hanky-panky on the ship, eh?

What are you doing in there, O'Rourke?

Ha-ha. A good reporter is always where the action is.

And on this ship, I think I'll need roller skates.

All right, O'Rourke, wait a minute.

Doc was just offering that passenger

a place, uh, to sleep.

Oh, sure.

He's a regular Holiday Inn.

This article is gonna make Hugh Hefner blush.

( playful theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

( light jazz music playing )

Here's to independence and self-reliance.

Kurt just came in.

I'm afraid when he finds out

that I moved into your cabin...

Dee Dee, you're a person with a free will.

You can make your own decisions.

( glasses clink )

( sighs )

Where have you been all afternoon...?

Well, between 1 and 3 I was, um...

No, I mean her.

Well?

I have moved into Dr. Bricker's cabin.

What?!

She said she, uh... KURT: Hey, slugger,

I'd stay out of this if I were you.

The lady happens to be with me.

Uh, funny, that's not the impression I got.

( sighs )

Come on, Dee Dee, let's go.

Nope.

What do you mean?

I mean no.

Come on, will you?

DEE DEE: No, I won't.

And that is final.

For someone so young, you've made a very mature decision.

Okay, Nelson, I gotta get back and finish some work,

so I'm gonna leave you here.

Now, you just find a seat...

try to look debonair,

and the girls will come to you.

I like that one a lot.

Uh, no. That's Julie McCoy, our cruise director.

She's not for you. Is that clear?

Okay. Okay.

Good luck.

Hey, how you doing, pretty lady?

Fine until now.

Uh-huh, I like that. I like a filly with temperament.

How about, uh, giving a big guy a dance, huh?

Oh, hey, sorry, big guy,

but this filly hasn't been halter-broke.

Besides, the gentleman has this dance.

I do?

Sure. Sweep me off my feet.

Uh, I only know how to polka.

( muttering )

( clears throat )

Good evening, Miss Jermaine.

Oh. Good evening, captain.

Uh, Miss Jermaine, telephone call.

Oh. Heh.

It's, um, Rudolf Nureyev.

Again?

( mouths ): One second.

Rude.

( chuckles )

Oh, you persistent little peasant, you.

( chuckles )

Oh, uh, yes. Uh-huh.

Yes.

( mouths ): He talks so much.

Oh. Well, I miss you too. Ha-ha.

Oh, how can I forget the night we tangoed together?

You spoiled me for anyone else. Ha-ha.

( sighs )

Um...

Ahem. Could you hold on for just a minute, Rudy?

Yes, captain?

Nothing.

Have a nice evening.

Oh.

So how's the ballet?

Goodbye, Rudy.

Anyway... I feel a lot better

about everything.

You know... you're a very sweet guy

to let me sleep in your bed.

It's my pleasure.

Thank you.

( door opens )

I'm ready.

Gee, are you going out in the corridor in that?

No. I wasn't planning to.

Oh.

Where are you going to sleep?

Well, I was planning... That is... Heh.

I thought we could both... Wha...?

Sleep here?

What kind of a girl do you think I am?

But you... I didn't.

Didn't you...? No.

I thought... Not once.

( knock at door )

Excuse me.

( gasps )

Dee Dee, you get out of that yo-yo's bed

and come back where you belong.

No, I'm staying.

Look, you get up or so help me, I'll...

You'll what?

I'll knock your block off, four-eyes.

Oh, my goodness!

( gasps ) Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean for you to get hit.

Oh, I don't want you to go away all hurt.

Help me. Oh. Ooh.

Oh, come to the bathroom. Help me.

To the bed.

Oh. Oh, my good... Ooh.

Oh, now. Ooh.

Oh, my goodness. Oh.

Here, stuff this up your nostril while you're leaving.

( upbeat theme playing )

I really enjoyed the band tonight.

I thought they were exceptional.

Me too. Yeah?

Me too.

Well... here we are at my cabin.

I had fun dancing with you.

You're a nice person.

You're not so bad yourself.

You really think so?

I mean, I'm not so bad?

Mm-mm.

I'll even go further than that.

You're a very nice man, Nelson.

You just need a little more confidence.

If you want something, get it.

You mean it?

Mm-hm.

Well, there is something I'd like,

if you wouldn't mind.

Sure.

Good night, Julie.

( melancholy theme playing )

Isaac. Isaac. Yeah.

Will you do an old pal a favor?

Sure, anything. Just name it.

Can I bunk with you?

Name another.

ISAAC: Come on, Doc. Now, what happened to Goldilocks?

Well, she ate my porridge, broke my chair,

and now she's asleep in may bed.

ISAAC: She give you that beat-up nose?

Huh? Oh, no. That's, uh...

That's just advancing age.

You see, after 40, the muscle in your head

turns to fat and drops.

Doc... I'd like to help you,

but, uh, I got this cutie

up in the Starlight Bar,

and I thought I'd kinda...

Say no more. Thanks anyway.

Good, Doc. You're a sport.

( dramatic theme playing ) ( knocking at door )

Gopher? You in there? Gopher?

Oh, nuts.

Doc.

Uh... can I come in?

Sure.

Psst.

What are you in for, O'Rourke?

Just the man I want to see.

Who's in C-125?

Julie McCoy, cruise director.

Oh, boy. This is really disgusting stuff.

I love it.

Ow. Julie. Gee. Well, it serves you right,

for being so lecherous.

All right, look, Julie, no lectures, please?

It's been a very difficult evening.

I just want to find a place to sleep.

Well, you happen to be sitting on the only place to sleep.

As you may have noticed, it's a single bed, Doc.

A very small single bed.

All right, don't worry. I won't invade the purity

of your single bed.

I'll sleep in the bathtub.

Oh, Doc... could I ask you a question?

I mean, just purely as a matter of interest.

How will I sleep in the bathtub?

I haven't figured that out yet.

No, um...

Well, heh, here we are,

two passably attractive human beings

of the opposite sex.

Uh, one of us a known lecher.

You, a lecher?

I never suspected.

I'm serious.

Why haven't you made... an overture? Heh.

Julie! That'd be like making

a pass at my own kid sister.

You know, you've done something

that I didn't think was possible.

You've shocked me.

Good night.

Well, I'm sorry if the idea offends you!

Um, I wasn't actually suggesting anything. I, uh...

I just thought that... Oh, forget it.

( whines )

After I close up, how about you and me

taking a tour of the ship?

( piano playing )

Mm. I just love the way you communicate.

Mmm.

Isaac, would you pour me a drink, please?

Whatever's closest.

In a minute.

Another rejection.

You can have mine.

Thanks.

Oh, Nelson. I thought you were all locked up for the evening.

I'm sorry about what happened.

I'd like to make it up to you.

You would?

Would you like to buy me a bottle of Irish whiskey?

Whole bottle?

Sure. We can finish it at your place.

My place is in Santa Monica.

Your cabin, Nelson.

Put this on my bill.

( whimsical theme playing )

( yawning ): Thank you.

Oh, Nelson, peel me a grape.

I beg your pardon?

Would you fix me a drink, please?

Oh. Oh, of course.

Mm. Good.

Can I ask you a simple question first?

Sure.

Will you marry me?

Nelson, the question isn't simple. You are.

I mean it. If I don't get married by the end of the week,

I lose my inheritance.

No one else will have me. I'm desperate.

Oh, well, thanks.

That's just the kind of proposal

I've always dreamed of.

Hey, really?

No. Not really.

Nelson, the only reason I'm here is... well,

Doc's asleep in my cabin snoring his brains out, and...

And I'm exhausted. I... I want to sleep.

Well... you can stay in my cabin.

Oh, I wouldn't dream of trying to get fresh with you.

Oh, thanks.

Gee, all these compliments are gonna turn my head.

I've gotta find a wife. Time is running out.

Oh, uh, good luck.

Remember, there's always the want ads.

I hadn't thought of that. The want ads.

( upbeat theme playing )

DEE DEE: Who is it?

It's Kurt, baby. Let me in.

Hi.

Hi.

( mysterious theme playing )

( door closes )

Good morning.

Uh, yes, it is. Isn't it?

I noticed you didn't spend the night in your bed.

Oh. You noticed?

Did you have an interesting night?

Well, since you asked, it was... fantastic.

Was that Julie sneaking in carrying her shoes?

Yeah.

I don't know if I like that.

Our Julie messing with the passengers.

Me neither. We wouldn't do a thing like that.

Who, us?

No way.

( tranquil theme playing )

Good morning.

Oh. Hm-hm.

Good morning.

Are you the lady who serves coffee?

Absolutely not.

I'm the lady who drinks champagne.

( giggles )

( clears throat ) Mm.

You, uh, sleep here all night?

Yeah.

Oh. Well...

I guess that makes us roommates.

We, uh... We slept together.

I mean... you slept here too, huh?

Would you marry me?

I don't think so. Oh.

Besides, my religion forbids marriage.

I'm an avowed swinger. ( chuckles )

Well, if you married me, I...

Ah, ah, ah, ah.

I came on this ship for fun. Not to find a husband. Heh-heh.

Dustin, George Scott, Truman...

They're cute, you know?

Sylvester, Marlon, Al. Million laughs.

But I'm looking for something a little different.

Marriage? Not that different.

( chuckles )

You really look rotten.

Why don't you get some sleep?

I can't. There's a woman in my cabin.

Well, what are you doing out here?

She turned me down.

Oh.

Well, why did you have to leave your cabin?

Why couldn't she go to hers?

There's somebody sleeping in her bathtub.

Oh. Uh, it's too confusing for this early in the morning.

Ahem. Look, um, there's no one in my cabin.

Why don't you get some sleep, huh?

Okay? You're very nice. Thank you.

Oh, by the way, I'll go with you.

I've gotta get out of these glad rags.

( chuckles ) You're very pretty.

Thank you. Very pretty.

Good morning, Gopher.

Good morning, Gopher.

Good morning. Morning.

Morning.

Boy, she sure starts early.

Anyway, that's it.

Look, I'm... I'm sorry I called you an animal.

Hm.

Would you think of me as a person?

Dee Dee, the big guy definitely thinks of you as a person.

Do you love me?

Hey, is the Pope Catholic?

( chuckles )

Hey, you know... You know what?

When... When you kicked out the doc,

he really must have been sore, huh?

( laughs )

Well, no, actually, he's very much a gentleman.

Oh, sure. I'll bet.

Hey, listen. How about going back to our cabin

and really getting this honeymoon underway, huh?

Oh, well, you know, it's, uh...

Ugh, not really a honeymoon, is it?

Yeah? Well, why wait till the last minute?

You know, somebody may come in the door...

So what?

"So what?" Yeah.

So... What's the matter with you?

What do you mean, "So what?"

You're some kind of a...

I'm...? I'm...? I'm a what?

A... Just get outta here.

Would you just get outta here and leave me alone?

Go on!

You want "get out," You got "get out."

You... porker.

( door slams )

Boy. Sickos.

Get some sleep, handsome.

And when that girl gets out of your cabin,

you can go back to your place.

Are you sure you won't marry me?

Positive. You're only being polite

because I slept with you last night.

( giggles )

Hm.

( giggles )

Oh.

( people chattering )

Ah, Miss Jermaine. Would you like a cup of coffee?

No, thank you, Isaac.

How about a glass of champagne?

Oh, no, I never drink on the job.

Oh, you... Heh, heh.

Mm.

Coming right up.

( sighs happily )

( sighs )

( phone rings )

Hello?

Yes. Miss Jermaine?

Okay. Just a minute, please. Thank you.

Uh, Miss Jermaine. There's a telephone call for you.

Oh. I'll plug you in.

Thank you, Isaac.

Hello, hello?

Oh, how are you, Liz, darling?

Oh, I'm wonderful.

Good grief. Elizabeth Taylor.

( laughs )

How are Charlie and Phil?

Oh, that's nice.

Does Annie like her new horse?

Charlie, Phil, Annie?

Queen Elizabeth?

Oh, well, it's just lovely of you to call.

I... I'd love to come to supper

on Friday but I'm at sea.

It would be a little inconvenient.

( laughing )

And there's a delicious captain standing here,

devouring me with his eyes.

So, heh,

I better ring off now, before he runs away again.

See you later, Liz.

Heh.

Why don't you come sit here and talk to me,

you gorgeous captain, you.

Well... "captain," anyway.

( giggles )

No. "Gorgeous captain." ( chuckles )

When are you gonna give me a captain's tour

of this magnificent liner?

Well, anytime.

( light theme playing )

At your convenience.

No time like the present.

Shall we?

My honor.

Thank you. Hm-hm.

Miss Jermaine, your champagne.

Oh. Thank you.

Mm.

( sighs )

Thank you.

Everybody's getting in the act.

( upbeat theme playing )

MAN ( on PA ): Good day. For those of you who wish to go ashore,

launches will be leaving for Cabo San Lucas...

So long, honey.

From the Coral Deck gangway.

Uh, Julie.

I think you and I need to have a little talk.

Oh? What about?

Can't you guess?

You spent last night heaven knows where.

It pains me to see your moral standards decline.

Well, that sounds to me, Doc,

like the pot calling the kettle black.

I never claimed to have any moral standards, but you...

Ha-ha! And then the president stood up,

looked into my eyes and said, "Again."

( both chuckle )

Of course, that wasn't near as exciting as when, uh,

Neil Armstrong let me fly one of his test planes. Mm.

I got it to Mach 3, and he told me

the plane had never been flown that fast.

Of course, we couldn't tell Lockheed I'd done it.

( chuckling ): Really.

Yeah.

You know, Ireni, I like your style.

And I like yours, Merrill.

( chuckles )

Would you consider continuing

this stimulating conversation in a quieter spot?

Well... my cabin has a lovely view of the ocean.

Mm. Sounds stunning.

( whimsical theme playing )

( clears throat )

Yoo-hoo, Smith.

Hi, O'Rourke.

Well, you were right, Smith.

This ship is a hotbed of hot beds.

What do you mean? I never said that.

So far I got a jet-set lady, a marriage-mad heir,

a red-headed kook, a guy with muscles on his muscles,

and assorted members of your crew.

Now, wait a minute.

I'm gonna nail 'em to the wall.

O'Rourke, now wait a minute.

You've got this all wrong.

If anything was going on on this ship, I'd know about it.

Smith, I appreciate what you've done for me,

and I'm going to mention your name in my article.

See ya later. O'Rourke, wait a...

O'Rourke!

( sighs )

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh, Merrill.

Yes? Heh.

How long have you been in this business anyway?

Uh, not too long to be tired of it yet.

( both chuckle )

Here we are.

( slinky theme playing )

Ah.

( giggles )

I forgot.

Don't frown, Merrill.

Who is he?

Oh, he? Oh. A passenger, I think.

Oh, well, I just found him on deck, uh,

this morning, fast asleep.

He had been there all night. Heh.

Stowaway. Uh-uh.

Uh, a girl was in his cabin and wouldn't get out,

so I just let him use mine.

Oh.

( chuckles )

You know, you're a most gracious woman.

Perhaps, um... Perhaps I can return the favor.

Huh?

Uh, I thought that maybe

I could persuade you to... use my cabin.

Oh.

It wouldn't take any persuasion at all. Hm.

Shall we? Mm-hm.

I wonder if Harold Robbins started like this.

MAN ( over intercom ): Captain Stubing to the Bridge, please.

Captain Stubing to the Bridge.

( exhales ) Well, duty calls.

May I see you tonight?

Of course.

But you'll have to charm me all over again.

You won't have to charm me.

I'll stay charmed all day long.

( upbeat theme playing )

( slow jazz music playing, people chattering )

So you see, I'm gonna be rich.

Now, would you please marry me?

Oh, Nelson, you're hysterical.

( laughs )

What am I gonna do?

Well, what seems to be the problem?

Well... if I'm not married within a week,

I lose my inheritance.

Throw yourself on the mercy of the court.

Maybe one of the jurors will marry you.

And you call yourself a doctor.

Would you care to dance?

I would love to.

What am I doing wrong?

( both laughing )

Oh, Merrill.

You're such a bad boy, telling me a story like that,

but I loved it.

Are you, uh, charmed again?

Maybe after one more champagne.

Well, perhaps we can have it in my cabin.

Then why stop at one?

You have to, you know, um... Uh, get your trip together.

I have my space and...

For sure. You know, I have mine.

Oh, separate bedrooms. I never thought of that.

No, that's not what I mean.

I... You know, I mean, your, uh, space.

For sure. You know, your space.

Hey, baby.

Can we, uh, kinda talk this over?

Buzz off, Kurt. You're standing in my space.

( both laughing )

Feel it in the air, Smith?

What?

The calm before the storm.

These sex fiends are gonna go berserk tonight.

I know it.

Want a drink, O'Rourke?

Sure. Beer, neat.

But be cool. Hate to be seen

boozing it up with a source.

That's me. Cool as all outdoors.

Smith... I like you.

You're one heck of a guy, O'Rourke.

Nuts?

( sedate theme playing )

( Stubing chuckles )

( romantic theme playing )

Ah. Ha.

From the first time I saw you on this ship,

I felt that you were a woman

who comes into a man's life but once.

Mm. How eloquently stated.

Would you mind terribly if I kissed you?

After such a glowing tribute,

I'd be... shattered if you didn't.

( quietly ): Ireni.

( sighs )

Excuse me, lovely lady.

I'd like to, uh,

slip into something more comfortable.

Oh.

( door closes )

Oh.

( gasps )

Ha...

( quietly ): Hello. Hello. Could you please page

Ireni Jermaine right away, please?

It's an emergency.

No, no, it can't wait.

You have to page Ireni Jermaine right now, please. I...

( melancholy theme playing )

I don't understand. ( exhales )

I can't go through with it.

That's all there is to understand.

You can't go through with what?

This whole silly fraud.

I'm not Ireni Jermaine.

I'm Irene. Irene Funston.

A widowed housewife from Pacoima.

Oh.

I don't know what to say.

You're still a lovely lady...

filled with wit and grace.

Please. I...

don't wanna start anything I can't finish.

( chuckles )

This cruise was going to be the fantasy

to last me for the rest of my life.

A memory I could look back on...

in the years to come, and...

you... You were gonna be a...

major part of my scrapbook.

( chuckles )

But... what I realize now is...

what I need isn't...

a shipboard fling...

but a man at home I can cook for...

and clean for... and iron shirts for.

I need what I used to have.

I'm sorry.

I can't be that man.

Whoever you are...

you're a magnificent woman.

Irene!

( sniffling )

( crying )

( crying )

Uh, are you all right?

I will be.

( gasps )

Why are you crying?

What are you talking about?

Big guys don't cry. ( sniffles )

Philip... my late husband, he... Heh.

He was a big hulk like you.

He used to cry at tire commercials.

( sobbing )

You're just saying that to make me feel better.

Mm.

A real man shouldn't be afraid to show his emotions.

Right now... you're acting like a man.

( crying ): I am?

( crying ): Uh-huh.

Girl trouble, huh?

Yeah, I... I think I've been jilted.

Who...? Who would want to jilt you?

I mean, you're good-looking,

obviously sensitive.

Yeah, it's true.

See, you may not believe this, but...

well, I have an ego problem.

Oh. Well...

sometimes people have to tell the world

that they're the greatest because...

nobody's telling them they're the greatest.

Yeah?

Yeah.

You are the greatest.

( chuckles )

( crying )

( crying )

So I never really learned to play basketball.

( sighs )

Can I buy you a drink?

I beg your pardon?

We've not been properly introduced.

My name is Nelson Hoag.

I'll have a Scotch and water.

Could we have a Scotch and water for the lady, please?

Okay, but last round.

Who's fighting?

( chortles )

I think we'll forget about the drinks.

Lady, this guy won't forget

any drinks he's had tonight.

What's your name?

( clears throat ) Dee Dee.

"Dee Dee." That's D period, D period,

or just Dee Dee?

Just Dee Dee.

You're D period, D period.

Dead drunk.

( snorts )

( giggles ) Shh.

Shh.

Nelson... do you own any horses?

No, I... I'm afraid of large animals.

I have a rabbit.

His name is Benjamin.

Would you like to see his picture?

Yes, I would.

Benjamin.

Adorable.

I have a full scrapbook

of pictures of Benjamin in my cabin.

Would you like to see it?

Yes, I would. Mm.

( clears throat )

Oh! Oh, Benjamin, I'm sorry.

"Nelson."

This is Benjamin. I'm Nelson.

I'm sorry. All right...

Say, uh, what about the bill?

Oh, no, thank you.

( upbeat theme playing )

Dee Dee.

It's morning.

I brought you some breakfast.

Oh, Nelson. How thoughtful.

You don't mind serving a woman?

No, of course not. Why should I?

You'd do the same for me, wouldn't you?

People should share.

I, uh...

I hope I didn't get fresh with you last night.

( chuckles )

You passed out showing me your rabbit album.

Real cute.

Yeah, he is, isn't he?

I mean you.

Sugar?

Yes, dear?

No, I need the sugar.

Oh. Right.

It's not as sweet as you are.

Heh.

Nelson...

will you marry me?

Huh?

I mean it.

You are the most wonderful man I've ever met.

You're kind and considerate.

Please say you'll marry me.

"You'll marry me."

I... I mean, of course I'll marry you.

Oh! Of course I will.

Oh! Oh.

Oh, honey.

They didn't have any honey.

No, I mean you.

( giggles )

Oh.

Nelson.

Could we have a June wedding?

Well, if I get married before Friday,

I'll inherit $3 million.

Could we have the reception in June?

( playful theme playing )

It happened. It happened!

What happened? I'm looking for Dee Dee.

She's got the key to my cabin.

Doc! Doc, come in.

Something wonderful is going to happen.

Come on, come on.

It happened!

It happened.

Julie, come in here. It's terrific!

What?

Holy Toledo. A ménage à four.

Oh, you two, come on in.

We want you to join us.

Come on. Hey.

( chattering indistinctly )

Go on in. The more the merrier.

Hey! All right!

If the old Dodgers drew this many people,

they'd still be in Brooklyn.

A party? At this hour?

Go in. They're all your sicko friends.

Captain Stubing, you're just in time.

You're the only thing this party's missing.

Uh, Mr. Smith.

As long as you're out...

bring some champagne.

Yes, sir.

Hey, O'Rourke. You want some champagne?

Sure.

I've got a lot to celebrate, you know.

I'm gonna make millions off this.

( clears throat )

( grunts )

You know what, O'Rourke?

Hm? I hate crowds.

What say we go to my cabin and start our own party?

Hm.

I like the way you think, Smith.

( clicks tongue )

Well, Smith, how about those Rams, huh?

( upbeat theme playing )

( horn blares )

Bye-bye. Goodbye.

So long. Bye-bye.

You will come to the wedding, won't you?

Yes. As long as you promise

not to throw the bridal bouquet in my direction.

Julie, I must thank you.

If you hadn't turned me down, I...

I don't think I ever would have found Dee Dee.

Well, I'm glad that everything worked out well for you, Nelson.

Bye. Goodbye.

Bye-bye.

Bye. Bye.

Goodbye. So long.

Well... goodbye, Merrill.

It's not goodbye, Ireni.

It's hasta luego.

"Until we meet again."

Oh, it's... It's not "Ireni." It's "Irene."

Irene.

You mean Julie and Nelson didn't?

No.

And Julie and Doc didn't either?

Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

Well, if they didn't, and Ireni and Nelson didn't,

and Doc and Dee Dee didn't,

then the only ones who did were...

Oh. Don't tell my editor.

Hey, not this guy.

I don't kiss and tell.

Smith, you are terrific.

O'Rourke, you're still one heck of a guy.

Goodbye. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye. So long.

Goodbye, everybody.

Goodbye. Bye-bye Bye. Ah.

Bye-bye, O'Rourke. Goodbye.

Okay, O'Rourke. Hm.

Well... I had an interesting voyage.

Well, mine was unusual.

Mine was certainly out of the ordinary.

Tsk. Mine was dull.

I didn't meet a single lady.

She was married.

Strange.

Well, I have a vaguely unsatisfied feeling.

Rather like having eaten a Chinese dinner an hour ago.

I have a distinctly unsatisfied feeling.

Rather like having been denied a Chinese dinner an hour ago.

And I have a totally frustrating feeling.

Rather like not even knowing what a Chinese dinner is.

I feel terrific.

( upbeat theme playing )