Original subtitles

( Jack Jones' "The Love Boat" playing )

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon will be making Another run ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪

( upbeat theme playing )

Thanks for bringing me down, Bernie.

I really appreciate it.

Howie, what are friends for?

Just promise me one thing. What's that?

You spent a lot of money on a cruise, don't blow it.

Get some of the action.

Oh, Bernie, I'm not like you.

I... I can't come on to girls the way you do.

Yeah, with women I'm a verbal clod.

Hm, true. That's why I bought you this.

HOWIE: "How to Hit on Girls"?

Believe me, it's not about karate.

No, this isn't gonna work, Bernie.

Oh, yeah? What do you say to a girl

when you first meet her?

I say, uh, "My name's Howard.

What's yours?" Terrific.

With a line like that, you could become a monk.

Listen.

"Excuse me, I don't mean to be forward,

but, uh, are you a professional model?"

( laughing ): No, Bernie.

Oh, go on. Laugh if you wanna, but this stuff is dynamite.

You're gonna score so much, Burt Reynolds is gonna

be calling you for pointers.

Bernie, I... I don't want to score.

I just want to meet a nice girl.

Okay. Does she look like a nice girl to you?

Yeah.

Watch.

You watching?

Uh, excuse me. Excuse me.

Uh, I don't mean to be forward,

but, uh, are you a professional model?

Why, yes. How did you know?

Oh, I just, uh... I... I thought you were.

Would you like a lift somewhere?

Could I drop you someplace?

Sure.

( upbeat theme playing )

Well, hello. Welcome aboard.

Hi.

We're Mr. and Mrs. Desmond.

Oh, newlyweds.

Oh, no. We've been married five hours.

Oh, well, then, happy anniversary.

Thank you. Which way to the Promenade Deck?

Through this door and up the stairs.

Have a great honeymoon.

Oh, you can bet on it.

Oh... Ooh. Ah.

WOMAN: Max, will you kindly

not make a scene here?

Gladys, this is ridiculous.

We're stuck on a ship for a week with 600 strangers.

We could have been in Rome.

We've been there three times.

I am bored with Rome.

Bored with Rome?

Fifteen years ago we were happy to have a nail

to hang your bathing suit on

in the bathhouse at Coney Island.

I hope we're never like that.

No way. I don't even know where Coney Island is.

Hi. Hello. Welcome aboard.

Hello, I'm Wendel Snead. This is my wife, Ida.

Well, how do you do?

We're in C-120.

That's on the Coral Deck.

Coral Deck. Sounds so exotic.

You can take the elevator in the lobby.

Thank you. JULIE: Mm-hm.

Oh, uh, when we get to Cabo San Lucas,

do you think our grandchildren could come onboard

and look around?

Oh, yes, of course.

I'd love to give them a tour.

Oh, Wendel.

I wonder what they look like.

You see, our daughter's been living in Mexico

for the past ten years.

We've never seen our grandchildren.

I can't wait to meet them.

I bet they can't wait to meet you either.

( both laugh ) Bye-bye.

Hello.

Wendel, this is so luxurious.

It must be costing a fortune.

Wouldn't it be cheaper to fly?

Now, Ida, you know what the doctor said.

No flying for you.

But how can we afford it?

I knew there was something I forgot to tell you.

I won the Irish Sweepstakes.

( laughs ) Isaac!

It's contribution time again.

I need your $10 for the crew emergency fund.

ISAAC: Catch me later. GOPHER: Isaac!

Listen, Gopher, I can't skip out on you.

I'm not that good a swimmer.

And by the way, how much money you got in the box?

Six hundred and thirty-five dollars.

ISAAC: In that case, you give me 10 bucks,

which you owe me, by the way, from our last gin rummy game.

Catch me later.

Uh, excuse me.

Did I hear you say you play gin rummy?

Oh, well, sir, some of us play and some of us win.

I love gin.

Maybe we'll get together later on.

Well, that depends. You a player or a winner?

Wendel, you're terrible at cards.

What better place to practice?

( chuckles ) My place or yours?

( laughs )

Now, rest assured, Herb, we'll take good care of your daughter.

I appreciate it, Merrill, but Sheila's different.

Yeah, she... She's an innocent.

She's never vacationed alone before.

Now, don't worry. I've assigned Dr. Bricker here

to look after her.

You can count on me, Mr. Lawrence.

Thank you. ( tumbling )

Oh, I'm terribly sorry. Please forgive me.

HERB: Sheila, darling.

STUBING: Are you all right? You've got to watch yourself.

It was an accident, Daddy.

I think I could look after her.

Now, you didn't forget to tip the cabby

and... And did you pack your vitamins?

And be careful of what you eat. And don't drink the water.

Daddy! I can take care of myself.

Tell him, captain.

Uh, yes. Yes, of course.

Be careful of who you talk to.

There are a lot of weird guys on a ship.

Daddy... You see, she doesn't date much.

Daddy, really.

Well, have a good time, sweetheart.

It'll be a slice of heaven.

All right, Herb. Let's go.

Now, come on, there's nothing to worry about now.

Dr. Bricker is the best man I have.

He'll treat your... Treat your daughter just like...

( romantic theme playing )

I don't mean to be forward,

but are you a professional model?

I used to be, but now I'm a doctor.

( foghorn blowing )

( all shouting indistinctly )

( upbeat theme playing )

I haven't seen you wear that since our wedding,

38 years ago.

You don't think it's out of style for a cruise, do you?

Not if the cruise is 38 years ago.

( both laugh )

I guess you're right.

You're having a good time, aren't you?

Oh, yes, Wendel. Thank you.

You deserve it, Ida.

But, dear, how did you afford all this?

I told you not to worry about it.

Well, I will worry about it, unless I know.

Well, I...

I took out a small mortgage on the house.

You took out a mortgage?

How will we pay it back?

Ida, I know where to get the money.

But we only have our pension.

We could lose our home.

Ida, haven't I always managed to provide for us?

I know we haven't lived like kings...

I'm sorry, Wendel.

I trust you.

I know everything will be all right.

Well, then, give us a smile.

You're here to enjoy yourself, remember?

That's better.

JULIE ( over PA ): Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

This is Julie McCoy, your cruise director.

Our first session of jackpot bingo will be starting

in just 15 minutes in the Acapulco Lounge.

How about that?

As I recall, you were always the prettiest and the best

bingo player at every church social.

Were?

Well, you're still the prettiest.

And I'm still the best.

Then hop to it.

( giggles )

Aren't you coming with me?

I'm not as pretty as I used to be.

And I want to see if I can remember how to play gin rummy.

I'll see you later. Okay.

I love you. I love you.

( dramatic theme playing )

Nine of hearts.

Jack of clubs.

Ida, forgive me.

( upbeat theme playing )

Hello. Mr. and Mrs. Watkins,

I'd like you to meet the Desmonds.

Uh, the Desmonds are newlyweds.

Oh. Never would have guessed.

Enjoy your dinner.

Thank you. Oh, hi, uh, we're the Desmonds.

My wife, Ellen. I'm Scott. I'm Gladys Watkins...

and this is my husband, Max. I'm, uh, Max.

Thank you, dear.

You're welcome.

When were you married?

This morning.

Oh.

And you're still talking to each other.

We've been married 25 years.

Oh.

Yeah, in some states,

you get less for murder.

Max.

Now, I suggest either the Pollo à la Cacciatore Con Fungi,

or a nice New England boiled dinner.

Both very good. Oh.

This looks sort of fascinating, doesn't it?

Oh, sir, um,

I'd like you to meet Mr. and Mrs. Wendel Snead.

This is Captain Stubing.

How do you do? How do you do?

Hello.

May I compliment you on your wonderful crew?

Why, thank you.

IDA: I must say, Miss McCoy calls a mean game of bingo.

WENDEL: And Gopher's a mighty mean gin rummy player.

He took me for a $1.27 this afternoon.

I hope you let me get even with you tonight.

Uh, I warn you, I hear that Gopher is a pretty good player.

( clears throat ) You know, uh,

I might just get lucky myself.

( chuckles )

BRICKER: Sheila, you're looking for trouble.

Really, doctor, I can take care of myself.

As long as neatness doesn't count.

Look, let me lay it out for you.

That guy at that table

is nothing but a cruise-ship cowboy

looking to add another notch to his life preserver.

He only wants one thing from you.

He'll take your heart and rip it apart.

And then he'll stomp on it and squish it

and turn it into hamburger meat.

And then he'll leave you on the dock

crying for your mother,

and then you know what he'll do?

He'll just go off and look for somebody else.

Think you could introduce me?

Good evening, Miss Lawrence.

Uh, are you okay? Would you like something?

Well...

Uh, captain, may I have a word with you?

Certainly.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Hello again.

Captain, I have a horrible confession to make.

I'm a lousy chaperone.

Maybe a little practice will help.

Oh, no.

( sighs )

I... I'm not trying to pick you up.

I think I'm in love with you.

That's not love. Those are hunger pangs.

Go eat your dinner.

( upbeat theme playing )

BRICKER: Isn't it beautiful?

So calm, yet dark and mysterious.

I just love the sea at night.

Why? You can't see anything.

Doesn't it make you feel insignificant?

The enormity of it all.

I can't see it.

Please make a note to send the champagne and fruit

to the Promenade suite.

Uh, pardon me. Yes?

I hate to be a bother, but is there a doctor on the ship?

Well, yes, of course. What's the problem?

A stomachache. Must have been something I ate.

Oh. Probably at home.

Not here. Here, the food's delicious.

Well, I tell you what.

Why don't you go to your cabin and lie down,

and I'll send the doctor to you.

Thank you. Excuse me.

Your cabin number.

Oh. Uh, Aloha 358.

Got it. Thanks.

A grown woman with a chaperone.

It's ridiculous.

Well, it could have been worse.

How?

Thank you.

Oh, Doc.

Hi, Sheila. Hi.

Uh, I should have known I'd find you two in the moonlight.

Doc, there's a fellow in Aloha 358 with a stomachache.

Okay?

Sorry. I gotta play doctor.

Come on. I'll take you to your cabin.

I think I'll just stay here a little while.

BRICKER: I won't be long.

Enjoy the moonlight without me.

I love the...

I love the way your moon refle...

I love the way your eyes reflect the shimmering moonlight

on the rippling water.

Oh, Howard.

MAN: Just a minute.

Yeah? Hi, I'm Dr. Bricker.

How...? How you doing? Fine, thanks.

Can I help?

No, I seem to be doing just great by myself.

But if I run into anything that I can't handle,

I'll be sure to give you a call.

( humorous theme playing )

"My words are merely the thumping of my heart

put into language."

Oh, Howard, you have the most romantic way of speaking.

See you tomorrow.

Did the moonlight suffer without me?

It was the best moonlight I've ever seen.

( coughs )

Oh, ho-ho-ho, wow.

Like it?

Like it? I love it.

Take it off.

Well, what do you say we get some sleep?

I want to get up early. I hear there's a shuffleboard contest

tomorrow. Oh, golly,

we don't want to miss that.

Oh, darling, we're so lucky to have each other.

Yeah.

Not like that couple in the dining room.

I mean, here we are in each other's arms

and right now they're probably at each other's throats.

Well, let's not think about them and their silly fighting.

I have other things on my mind.

( both laughing )

I do too.

But, you know, she sort of does have a point.

What are you talking about?

She's the one who dragged him on a ship he didn't want to be on.

Well, then he should've been more involved

in the planning, like you were involved in our honeymoon.

Heh-heh-heh. What are you talking about?

I asked you if you wanted to go to Aspen, Hawaii or Miami.

You said, "Let's take a cruise."

Are you sorry you're here?

I... I didn't say that.

Well, then exactly what did you say?

Well, I... I don't know what I said.

Well, then it must not have been very important,

or you wouldn't have forgotten it.

Can you recite the Gettysburg Address?

What? Uh-huh.

That's important and you forgot it.

I married a crazy person.

( mellow theme playing )

Well, Gopher, it looks like $321 you owe me.

Three hundred and twenty-one dollars?

Heh-heh. I guess my luck's improving.

There you are, Wendel.

Still playing gin at this hour?

I'm getting to like it.

Well, I'm off to bed, and you should be too.

And look at Gopher, he's exhausted.

I think that's enough gin for one night.

I'll be with you as soon as I collect my winnings.

Gopher, pay him the $5,

and then he'll let you go to bed.

Mr. Snead, I don't think I have $321 in my checking account.

That's cash, Gopher.

Cash?

After all, I paid you cash when I lost.

You don't have to pay me right away.

Thank you.

By noon tomorrow's fine.

Noon tomorrow?

Three hundred and twenty-one dollars.

Sure do know how to keep the passengers happy.

Let's add this again:

342, three... No, 321.

That's what it comes out to: 321.

That's right.

Hi, Gopher. Whatever.

Mr. Snead.

You want a nightcap before I close up?

Thanks, Isaac. I'll have a gin.

Ah, gin's your drink and gin's your game, huh?

Care to join me?

In which one?

Both, if you like.

Ha-ha. You're on.

( upbeat theme playing )

MAN ( over PA ): Passengers who wish to take a land tour

when we reach Cabo San Lucas,

please report to the purser's office.

Thank you.

If we were in Rome now, you'd be looking at the Coliseum.

Aren't these sights better?

Would you be happier, Gladys, if I closed my eyes?

I'd settle for your mouth.

ISAAC: Julie. Yeah?

Uh, I gotta find Gopher. Have you seen him? No.

Oh. Can I help you?

No, but if you see Gopher, tell him I gotta talk to him.

Okay.

Oh, hi, Doc. Hi, Sheila.

Hello, Mr. Snead. Oh, hi.

Where's Ida? She's having a little rest.

She's played so much bingo,

she's seeing numbers before her eyes.

Hm. How about a little company?

I'll play you crazy eights.

I don't know how to play that.

Gin?

You twisted my arm. Oh, good.

You know, I can't get over how silly we were last night.

You know, you're really good at fighting.

You're really good at making up.

Well... ( giggles )

Uh-oh, look who's here.

Punch and Judy.

( inaudible dialogue )

Hi. GLADYS: Hi.

MAX: Hey.

Enjoying your cruise? Oh, yes.

I'd rather be in Rome,

but, uh, thanks to my travel agent here...

GLADYS: You're not gonna start that again, are you, Max?

Hey, hey, hey, hey. We don't always get what we want in life.

I mean, Ellen and I discussed our trip

like two rational people, and it so happened

that this time we got to do what she wanted to do.

What I wanted?

Well, I mean, what we both wanted.

I mean, if it were up to me, I probably would have gone

to Aspen, but what the heck. I'm making the best of it.

Making the best of it?

Uh, honey, you're getting me all wrong.

I'm getting you right.

The next time you go on a honeymoon, you make the plans.

You know, I bet you don't win an argument

till you've been married at least ten years.

You know, you're a regular Henry Kissinger.

Gladys, they have to find out what marriage is all about.

Fighting isn't what it's all about.

We have plenty of good times, don't we?

Name one.

Oh, Max, I'm being serious.

So am I.

Come on, Gladys.

Good times, bad times. Who cares?

It's all about being together, and that's all good.

Oh, Max, I do love you.

Yeah, try to tell them that.

Maybe I will.

Gladys...

Maybe you should wear a hat.

This Mexican sun strikes fast.

Doctor, please.

You're sure you don't want to take a swim?

No, thanks. I don't like to swim.

I think I'll take a swim.

Hi. Hi.

How are you? Fine.

You'd better talk fast,

because my secret-service man will be here any second.

Okay, Flipper, move it or lose it.

Here. Don't catch cold.

I didn't know he would be there.

"On you, droplets of water seem to be diamonds."

Hi, Isaac.

( mouthing words )

How about a drink, Doc?

No, thanks, but it's nice of you to offer.

Sure, what would you like?

A piña colada.

Coming up.

On you, droplets of water

appear to be diamonds.

Oh, Howard.

( upbeat theme playing )

For you.

I don't want your presents.

This is a peace offering.

Take it or I'll wrap it around your neck.

I'll take it when you admit you were wrong.

Okay. I was wrong.

I was wrong to tell the truth

and admit I would rather be in Aspen.

Oh, you can keep your turkey, turkey.

Kids. Oh, kids, please don't let this happen.

You're beginning to sound just like Max and me.

Gladys, this isn't your fight.

Oh, yes, it is. It is exactly our style.

The stubbornness, the pettiness and the stupid pigheadedness.

Look, I just wanted you to know that we're not always like that.

Sometimes we're very loving and close.

Gladys, don't mix in.

Look, it's just that sometimes it seems that fighting

is the only way that we can communicate.

And I'm so sorry that we did it in front of you.

Gladys, don't apologize for us.

Well, it looks like you're communicating right now.

It's more than I could say for you.

How about this for communication,

take a hike.

SCOTT: I got you the wrong animal.

I should have bought you a mule!

( funky theme playing )

Now see what you've done?

Busy messing up their lives

when you should have been with me at the skeet shoot.

Oh, shoot this.

MAN ( over PA ): Good morning.

The 12:00 luncheon seating will begin

in half an hour in the Coral Dining Room.

Bon appétit.

( sighs )

( knocking on door )

Uh, Gopher, it's me, Isaac. Open up.

Oh, uh, Isaac, listen, uh, I'm... I'm not decent.

Listen, I-I'll settle for half decent.

Uh, come back later, will you?

Listen, Gopher, I gotta talk to you.

It's a matter of life and death.

All right. Just a minute. Hang on.

Listen, Gopher, I'm in a jam,

you're the only one that can help me.

I understand. We'll get together sometime next week.

Listen, Gopher, this is important.

You've got the emergency fund, right?

How do you know I have the emergency fund?

You're in charge of the emergency fund.

Now, I need to make a loan and I need to make it now.

Oh, you need to make a loan.

Uh-huh. Oh, well... Yeah.

What's that lamp doing there?

I was reading in bed.

Gopher, this is serious.

Now, I owe Mr. Snead a lot of money.

Oh, Mr. Snead.

Yeah. A-after you left the bar last night,

well, we kinda got into a little game of gin.

There's one born every minute.

Actually, there's two born every minute.

How much did you lose?

Three hundred and twenty-one dollars.

Boy, do you play rotten.

I only lost 149.

( phone ringing ) Oh, boy, I'll bet...

I'll bet you that's Snead, and I'll bet you he wants his money.

How do you know that? You haven't even answered it.

It might be the captain. Either way, it is not good news.

Listen, answer it.

( clears throat )

Yeoman Purser Smith.

Yeah, Julie?

Oh, you're kidding.

Oh, no. Oh, Julie.

Julie, how could you let Mr. Snead do that to you?

How much did she lose?

Sixty-seven dollars.

Hm. After Snead she's the next biggest winner.

No, Julie, just relax.

No, no. No, I'll think of something. Sure.

Okay, keep in touch.

( groans )

Hi, guys.

Let me try that again.

Hi, guys.

That was my best shot.

Doc, we've got a problem here.

I almost had a problem.

A kindly old gentleman almost suckered me into a gin game.

You didn't play with him, did you?

Are you crazy? He was working with a marked deck.

How do you know it was a marked deck?

Elementary.

I have the hands of a surgeon.

The eyes of an eagle.

And an ex-wife who's a dealer in Vegas.

( upbeat theme playing )

Okay, we all set? Mm-hm.

Yeah. Where's Mrs. Snead?

In the beauty parlor.

And Julie's keeping the captain busy?

Yeah. Yeah, but Julie felt kind of bad

about cheating Mr. Snead. He cheated us.

Look, you gotta fight fire with fire.

She felt bad. I don't.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Maybe Julie's right. It's only money.

I mean, among the three of you, how much you out?

Five hundred and thirty-seven dollars.

Over the top!

( mischievous theme playing )

Twelve o'clock. Right on the button.

Did you bring the, uh...?

Here it is. You can count it.

Oh, count it.

Mr. Snead, I took that money from the ship's emergency fund.

I sure would like a chance to win some of it back.

No, Gopher. I don't want you to get in any deeper than you are.

Well, what makes you so sure that you're going to win?

Uh... Who said I was sure?

Then let's see what the cards say.

( clears throat )

Uh, what are you doing?

Ah. Captain, he's got eyes everywhere.

( clears throat ) Oh, I'll sit there.

The couch is much more comfortable.

( jazzy theme playing )

( clears throat )

All right.

( clears throat )

He's collecting fours and clubs.

Luncheon is now being served in the Coral Dining Room.

Our special today is Number 4,

club sandwich.

May we also recommend our chicken à la king.

Our chefs really put their hearts into this one.

( mouths words )

Miss McCoy. Captain Stubing. Heh.

Sir, I'd like to go over

the details for the party tonight.

Well, I was just going in to lunch.

That chicken à la king sounds good.

Yes, I understand, sir, but I've just a few of these details.

Uh, later, Miss McCoy.

I don't want them to run out of chicken à la king.

Yeah. Uh, captain!

Captain Stubing, sir, I really do have to talk to you.

Miss McCoy, I'm starved. See me after lunch.

ISAAC ( over PA ): There'll be a full dress party on the Lido Deck tonight.

Isn't that Isaac? Yes, sir.

He's terrific, isn't he?

Yes, ladies, you can wear your diamonds,

so discard any other plans you may have.

Overdoing it a bit, I'd say.

Snead needs a nine of spades to make gin.

ISAAC ( over PA ): Our foreign film festival continues this afternoon

with Nein, Mein Leibchen,

starring Hildegard Spaderhoff.

( knocking on door )

Coming.

Oh, hi, Sheila.

Hi, Doc. Doc isn't here.

I haven't seen him for the past hour.

He must be making house calls.

Oh. Uh, come in.

( playful theme playing )

If I'd gone without seeing you

for another five minutes,

I wouldn't have been responsible for my actions.

Oh, Howard,

you always have the perfect thing to say

right on the tip of your tongue.

( over PA ): This is Isaac, your bartender, saying,

run one-two-three to the Starlight Lounge

where we're serving martinis that are nearly all gin.

Gin.

Nearly all gin?

Now he's doing plugs for his martinis.

"Baby, this isn't just one of those things.

This is a for-real relationship."

Oh, Howard, you make me so happy.

I can't wait till you meet my father.

He was afraid I'd meet one of those phonies on board.

Someone who'd take advantage of me.

But you. Ah.

Oh.

Oh, Howard.

What's the book? Book?

I-is that a book?

"No girl can resist this line.

"Baby, this isn't just one of those things,

this is a for-real relationship."

Uh, Sheila. No.

"How to Hit on Girls."

Oh, please, I... You... Uh...

How to Hit on Girls?

Please. How 'bout how to hit a boy?

( speaking indistinctly ) How 'bout how to hit a boy?

MAN ( over PA ): Good afternoon, this is the officer of the watch.

If you look off the port side,

you can see a rather large school of dolphins.

( mellow theme playing )

BRICKER: But, captain, he's a crook.

That doesn't explain your behavior.

But, captain, listen, we were only trying

to beat him at his own game.

If he were a nudist, would you run around naked?

Come in.

Captain Stubing, sir!

Mr. Snead. I owe you an apology.

They owe you an apology.

My crew has been cheating you at cards.

I thought I was just unlucky.

I assure you, they will be dealt with.

Dealt with? How?

They'll be dismissed.

They're gonna lose their jobs?

That's what it means.

No, captain.

That wouldn't be fair.

I was cheating them too.

( dramatic theme playing )

Mr. Snead, you should be ashamed.

I am ashamed.

I only did it because I desperately needed the money.

I mortgaged our house to pay for this cruise.

Ida wanted so much to see her grandchildren.

I have no way to pay that money back.

Oh, my God.

This is gonna kill Ida.

Sir, we have got our money back.

Yes, captain, don't you think...

Mr. Snead.

It looks to me like things are just about even.

Let's consider this matter closed.

( door closes )

( majestic theme playing )

( band playing light jazz )

Listen, Sheila, I have to get this off my chest.

This whole thing is Bernie's fault.

See what I saved you from?

Now he's talking to himself.

He's probably the only one he could find who'd listen.

Mind if I sit down?

Oh, no, please do.

Where's your husband?

Who cares?

Bourbon on the rocks, please.

Comin' up.

Well, it's you.

Great. That's just what I needed.

Hey, I was here first, troublemaker.

Troublemaker? Me?

That's right. Because of you, my wife isn't speaking to me.

Well, my wife isn't speaking to me either,

and I'm on my honeymoon.

What do you want me to do, ask you to dance?

Here we are, folks.

This is our Lido Deck and the swimming pool is real.

( chuckling )

Oh, hello! Hi.

Julie, Gopher. Mrs. Snead wanted you to meet the family,

especially the grandchildren. Hey.

Hi. And this is Sarah and Billy.

My daughter Anita and her husband, Frank.

Well, how do you do? Mucho gusto.

Now, Julie, don't forget you promised to show them

all over the ship. It'll be my pleasure.

And then we'll come back and join the party.

How 'bout I show you the captain's quarters?

Pretty dress. JULIE: Hurry.

If we go up to the bridge, he won't even know we're there.

( all speaking indistinctly )

I don't understand it.

Before we were married,

Scott and I never fought.

I remember once Max and I didn't have a single argument

for six whole weeks.

His jaw was broken.

( laughing )

Sheila, I-I have to get this off my chest.

It's all Bernie's fault.

See, he gave me...

( whistling )

Gentlemen, I've spent a lot of time over the years

dispensing advice.

You wanna know what I think?

I don't. I don't.

( clears throat )

Listen to me, kid.

Play hard to get. She'll come around.

You gotta keep women under your thumb,

or you'll lose control.

Well, I got a better idea, Max.

I'm gonna tell her I'm sorry.

Why? You weren't wrong. Neither was she.

Max, someone's gotta say I'm sorry, or each day the...

The anger gets buried a little deeper until one day

you find it's so deep, it'll never come out.

You don't understand, kid.

Marriages may be made in heaven,

but they're lived in Pittsburgh.

What Gladys and I have may not be perfect,

but it's... It's what we've got,

and that's okay with me.

Well, if it's so okay, Max.

How come you're sitting here and, uh,

she's sitting over there?

Ellen, I'm sorry.

Wrong.

Wrong?

I'm sorry.

( tender theme playing )

Gladys.

I'm, um...

I'm sorry.

Oh, Max,

you haven't said "I'm sorry" in...

In 25 years.

I'm sorry for that too.

Oh, Max.

( Gladys sighs )

Listen, Sheila. I have to get this off your chest.

I-I mean off my chest.

It's Bernie's fault. He gave me the book.

See, beautiful girls don't go for me.

But you're different.

I don't mean that you're not beautiful,

you are. To me, anyway.

What I mean is, Sheila,

that if you were my girl, I'd be so proud,

I'd climb the highest mountain

and I'd yell,

"She's my girl! She's my girl!

She's my girl!"

( applause )

You didn't get that out of any book.

Isaac.

Mr. Snead,

we know that mortgage money has been on your mind,

and so the crew got together and they decided to give you this.

What's this?

That's the money from the ship's emergency fund.

Oh, we use that...

when one of us is in trouble.

Why are you giving it to me?

Well, like Isaac said, when one of our family is in trouble.

Family?

You'd consider me family after what I've done to you?

After I lied to you?

After I cheated you?

Being part of a family

means knowing how to forgive too.

JULIE: And here we are. Back where we started.

How lucky can one man get?

I've got two families.

( majestic theme playing )

( inaudible dialogue )

MAX: Scott and I have been talking it over.

What do you say we all spend our vacation together next year?

I think it's a wonderful idea.

Yeah, we could go to Rome. We could go to Aspen.

Rome? Aspen?

We were thinking about another cruise.

Oh, well, if you insist.

If I'm forced to.

HERB: She's engaged? How could that be?

A thousand-to-one shot.

Oh, she doesn't know what she's doing.

She's an innocent. Another thousand-to-one shot.

Herb, just be happy that she's found someone

to love her for what she is.

You're right.

Daddy! Sheila!

Honey, oh.

This is Howard.

Hello. Uh...

I'd know that walk anywhere. You're Miss America.

Darling, you don't need this anymore.

All ashore who's going ashore.

Merrill, what the hell have you done?

Done?

Herb, they're made for each other.

Well, I'm certainly gonna miss you guys on my one day off.

No kidding? We're not gonna miss you.

Hi there. Hey. Hi.

I'll remember this cruise as long as I live.

Ah, we're glad you enjoyed yourself.

Please, come back again. IDA: You bet we will.

I can't wait to meet my grandchildren again.

Gopher, I'll pay that money back.

Every penny of it somehow. You take your time.

At least this way you won't lose your house.

But I don't wanna lose my friends either.

Gopher, is he still trying to collect gambling debts from you?

Well... Well, forget it.

I'll pay Wendel the $5.

( all laugh )

Should we get a cab here now?

Yes.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Thank you.

( Jack Jones' "The Love Boat" playing )