Original subtitles

( Jack Jones' "The Love Boat" playing )

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon will be making Another run ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪

( upbeat theme playing )

STUBING: Good afternoon. Welcome aboard our Valentine's cruise.

Miss McCoy. Mr. Smith.

Captain Stubing.

Good afternoon, sir. You seem very chipper this afternoon.

Well, I always enjoy our Valentine's Day singles cruise.

Ah. Ah, yes.

It's nice to see singles who want to be couples

instead of couples who want to be single, for a change.

And I have the perfect way to pair them off.

I've hired a matchmaker.

Well, how quaint.

Do we all sing "Hello, Dolly!" when she comes aboard?

( chuckles )

No, sir. This is a computer.

The passengers fill out cards,

and then a man feeds them into the computer,

and bingo: boy meets Valentine cruise girl of his dreams.

Ingenious. I thought so.

Do you have a card for me?

Well, sir, it's just a novelty icebreaker.

You certainly don't need a computer to get a date.

Heh. Of course not.

I just think that a captain should set an example.

You know, uh, get into the swing of things.

Mm-hm. Yes, sir. I'll put your name on the list.

Oh, that's Stubing. S-T-U-B-I-N...

Mm. Right, sir. I vaguely remember.

( chuckles )

Isn't this exciting? They've got all kinds of activities.

Oh, yes, I see many activities I could be interested in.

Oh, hello.

Are you the ship's photographer?

Oh, no, no. I'm here for the same thing you are.

The activities? You got it.

Heh. Uh, I'm Betsy Carruthers. Oh, Heather McKenzie.

Penny Jacobs. Hello.

Well, they've got lots of interesting things

lined up for us, huh?

( indistinct chatter )

Ooh, they certainly have.

Oh, my dear, will you look at that one?

Hey, Chet. What's goin' on?

How are you? Meet Sam.

Hey, Sam. SAM: Hi, how are you?

I see he brought his cameras.

Well, I just happen to take a few pictures myself.

Ah, so then you're very at home in the dark room.

( laughs ) Heh.

Uh, hi.

I'm Adam Bricker. May I have this dance?

Heh. What dance?

Well, you know how these single cruises are.

I just wanted to get my bid in first.

I'm flattered, but the truth is,

I didn't know this was a singles cruise.

I just came for the sea air and a chance to relax.

At least, uh, can I help you to your cabin?

Alex.

Adam. Adam Bricker.

Alex.

I'm sorry. You must have the wrong person.

How about the 50-cent tour?

That man, he looks exactly like someone I once knew.

Well, there's lots of look-alikes in the world.

I've often been told I look like, uh, Clint Eastwood.

Heh.

Burt Reynolds?

Woody Allen?

Oh.

( speaking indistinctly )

JULIE: Well, they said that they'd switch,

so why don't you just go ahead and do it?

( speaks in French ) I think it would be fine, okay?

( speaking in French )

Uh, heh, I'm sorry, my French is lousy.

Uh, j-just a minute please?

Excuse me, Gopher?

GOPHER: Mm? Could you help, please?

Just a moment.

Uh, how's your French? I beg your pardon?

( chuckles ) French.

Mm. Ah.

"We are Brigitte LaBlanc. ( speaks in French )

"And, uh, Yvonne Boulanger. ( speaks in French )

"We do not speak English. Would it be possible

to obtain a French-speaking interpreter?"

Well, I'll just handle this.

I'm practically bilingual.

Really? Sure. Uh... ( speaks in French )

( both laugh )

What does that mean?

It means my aunt's pen is on the dresser.

Oh, thanks. That's a great conversation starter.

( clears throat )

( speaking in French )

To service, uh... ( speaks in French )

( both speaking in French )

What did they say?

I have no idea,

but it's gonna be fun finding out.

( laughs )

Straight through.

Uh-huh.

JULIE: Excuse me.

Hello.

Hello, doll face.

Uh, the name's Julie McCoy. You must be Nick Heider.

Mm-hm. How do you do?

And that must be our computer.

Uh, sir, that is no mere computer.

With that computer, I've paired off more couples

than Noah and his ark.

And who knows? You might be next.

Hey. Heh.

Mr. Heider, I just arrange these activities.

I don't participate in them.

Oh, sweetheart, trust me.

Your deepest romantic needs will be fulfilled by this machine.

Matter of fact, you might even become

computerman's valentine.

Mwah.

Oh.

Didn't I tell you you were gonna meet him?

( clicks tongue ) ( chuckles )

Well, maybe he thinks he's "him,"

but to me, he is ho-hum.

( foghorn blowing )

( all shouting )

( upbeat theme playing )

( inaudible dialogue )

( inaudible dialogue )

And here we are, ladies.

Voilà.

( speaks in French )

Oh, merci.

( speaks in French )

Merci beaucoup.

( chuckles ) ( speaks in French )

Um, yes, so, uh, bon voyage.

( playful theme playing )

Brigitte, uh... Oui?

Later?

Pardon?

( speaking in French )

Oui? Oui.

( speaks in French )

( chuckles ) moonlight?

GOPHER: Um... ( speaks in French )

( both chuckle )

Um, so hasta la vista.

Au revoir. ( sighs )

( speaks in French )

( both speaking in French )

GOPHER: Oui. Maybe tonight?

Yeah. ( speaks in French )

( all speaking in French )

( chuckles )

Merci.

( sighs )

Yvonne,

I don't know if I can pull this off.

He's so cute, I almost started speaking English.

Listen, Brigitte, we're not going for cute.

We're after gorgeous.

Well, okay,

but do we have to change nationalities?

American is ordinary.

There's a certain mystique

about French girls that drives men crazy.

Believe me, I've tried it and it works.

Well, I told you about Harry,

the stockbroker I met on last year's cruise.

( sighs )

His name was Ben,

and it only lasted three weeks.

True.

( blows )

But diamonds are forever,

and that's what speaking French gets you.

Yvonne, for a rock like that, you'd speak Swahili.

True.

( mellow theme playing )

There you are. Mm-hm.

Thank you. There you are.

Now, just check off the characteristics

that describe you best

and be careful not to crumple the card.

Heh. Unless I want to end up with someone who's folded,

bent, spindled and mutilated.

Okay.

Do you ever play the computer game?

Oh, I don't think so.

Me neither. I don't need a machine to get women.

I need a machine to fight them off.

I believe you.

You do?

Did I ever tell you about this swampland that I have for sale?

( chuckles )

( piano playing mellow music )

I get it.

You're trying to figure out how to ask me

to have a mad, passionate affair with you.

( laughs )

Well, I'm not always right.

Doc,

you see the guy in the blue shirt over there?

Aren't they the same man?

Well, there's a strong resemblance.

Good-looking guy.

Good-looking, bright, talented.

We were a team at an ad agency.

I wrote the lyrics, Alex wrote the music.

You remember the Cupid Cologne jingle?

♪ Maker her your own With Cupid Cologne ♪

Sure.

We wrote that.

We made Cupid the best-selling cologne in the country.

Millions bought it, thinking they'd get instant sex appeal.

I know.

Smell me. ( laughs )

Doc, we were the best. We had plans.

We were gonna be married. Open our own agency.

Then one day, five years ago,

Alex disappeared.

I had police and private detectives

on the case for months.

When they didn't find him, I assumed...

The worst.

Yeah.

Doc, that's him.

I'd know him anywhere.

Alex.

Hm?

It's me. Lilly.

Well, it's nice to meet you, Lilly,

but my name is still Ted, Ted Wilcox.

You look exactly like someone.

Alex Fowler.

Well, Lilly, if he doesn't show up, it's his loss.

As a matter of fact, I hope he doesn't.

Then maybe we can have dinner together.

Um, yes, I'd like that.

Okay. See you then.

Well, they say we all have a twin somewhere.

That's him. That's Alex.

Come on. He said his name's Ted.

Doc, I loved that man for four years.

My heart knows it's Alex.

Excuse me, is this a 272 mini-scan?

Well, with some modifications of my own.

Are you into computers?

Uh, I do geophysical research.

Uh, I use computers to analyze old fossils.

Yeah, but how does it work on young chicks?

Ah, all right. That's what we're here for.

There you go. Thank you.

STUBING: Miss McCoy.

Uh, yes, sir?

Uh, would you describe me

as "commanding" or "officious"?

Um... Miss McCoy.

Uh, sir, you're neither.

You're, um, "statesmanlike."

Ah.

So are you.

Thank you, sir.

Oh.

"Statesmanlike."

Ah. Well, Mr. Heider, are you just about ready?

It... It's Nick to you, Julie.

Let's just stick to business, okay?

Anything you say, doll face.

Uh, may I have your attention, please?

Would everyone just gather around here.

We're about ready to roll.

JULIE: Over here, by the computer. Come on.

NICK: Oh, thank you, captain. Yeah.

Now, let's make onesomes into twosomes,

singles into doubles, shipmates into cabin-mates.

Good idea.

Let's have a happy Valentine cruise.

Here we go.

The first couple is...

( keys clacking )

( beeping )

Heather McKenzie...

and...

Daryl Matson.

Hey, hey!

What science has brought together,

let no man put asunder.

Hi, gorgeous.

Uh, excuse me, uh, one second.

Actually, you're supposed to end up with me

because, uh, I lent her my card.

( chuckles )

NICK: The second couple is...

( keys clacking )

Betsy Carruthers... ( keys clacking )

and...

Chet Maxwell.

( crowd applauds )

He's the one I wanted.

Oh, lied again, huh?

No, I can't understand it. This time I told the truth.

( speaking in French )

Huh?

Oh... Oh, a light. Yeah, sure.

Merci.

You're French, right?

( speaks in French )

( French accent ): I'm crazy about French girls.

Yeah, crazy.

( laughs )

Penny Jacobs...

( sighs )

and...

Sam Worth.

Whoo!

Honey, this is your lucky day.

Ah, bonjour.

Uh, parlez-vous français?

YVONNE: Gopher.

Uh, excuse me.

Need help? Heh. I'm your homme.

( chuckles )

( speaking in French )

( speaks in French )

Uh, she wants to know what Seymour's profession is.

Tell her what do you do for a living.

I'm a commodity trader. Pork bellies, mainly.

( speaks in French )

Tycoon.

Tycoon.

( speaks in French )

Uh, t-tell her, Yvonne,

that I own a yacht that is almost this size.

( whistles, chuckles )

( speaks in French )

Oh, gee.

Yacht.

GOPHER: Oui. You're right.

And the French word for yacht is... yacht.

( speaking in French )

Oh. Ooh, la, la.

( chuckles )

GOPHER: Yvonne? Yvonne?

( speaks in French )

You know your friend, votre amie, Brigitte?

( chuckles )

( speaking in French )

Sure do. Yeah.

( speaks in French )

Hello, hello, hello.

Julie McCoy... Wait a minute.

And...

Nick Heider.

( crowd applauds )

Well, that about wraps it up, gang.

That's why you're a terrific cruise director, Miss McCoy.

You join in. I did not join in, sir.

And I'd like to get my hands on whoever filled out a card

with my name on it.

( sighs )

Uh, you forgot me.

Oh, Captain Stubing, I'm sorry.

Oh, I... I've got your card right here.

( keys clacking )

( computer beeping ) Captain Stubing...

and... And... ( keys clacking )

( computer honks, whistles, makes crashing noise )

Sorry, captain.

Oh.

Well, they said it was lonely at the top,

but this is ridiculous.

( inaudible dialogue )

( upbeat theme playing )

Ah, Brigitte.

Oh, Gopher.

I've been looking everywhere for you.

I mean, uh... ( both speak in French )

Gopher! GOPHER: Well...

Just the guy we need.

Ask Brigitte... Yeah?

If she'd like to have dinner with my friend Walt here.

Uh, that's me.

Uh, Brigitte, um...

( speaks in French )

WALT: Yeah. ( speaks in French )

Y-yeah.

( speaks in French )

Good.

She says she's sorry, but she's all booked up.

SEYMOUR: Pourquois pas means that?

Well, French is a very concise language.

She also said that your friend has exceptionally large ears,

uh, feet like an elephant,

and a nose that reminds her of a banana.

Uh, I-I don't take very kindly to that.

Not very kindly.

No... Uh, no, Walt... Walt... Wait!

So your feet look like an elephant's,

but she was talking about my nose!

Yvonne, your friend sure has a way with words.

Ooh!

( speaking in French )

Must have been something you said.

Brigitte.

Oui?

( speaking in French )

Pourquois pas.

Someday I'm gonna have to find out what that means.

( upbeat theme playing )

Doc, it's weird.

He invited me to dinner,

but he still kept acting as if he doesn't know me.

How about this? He doesn't know you and he isn't Alex.

But he is. I'm positive.

He's wearing a ring I gave him, the same as mine.

BRICKER: Coincidence.

Doc, these were handmade.

Alex and I designed them.

There aren't two other rings like this in the whole world.

Well, what if he is your Alex, only he doesn't know it?

Amnesia?

Could be.

Oh.

I asked him about his past,

and nothing matched.

He said he's spent his entire life in California.

Hmm. I know that he grew up

in Connecticut and went to Yale.

Well, in certain amnesia cases, people make up a past

and believe it to be true.

They'll take on a whole new identity.

He was a hotshot on Madison Avenue.

Now he's some kind of guitar maker.

Hm. Is he happy?

I don't know.

How do I get him back to reality?

Well, amnesia's nothing to fool around with.

You need a specialist.

But while you're here, you could try to gently remind him

of your life together.

I'd do anything to get Alex back.

I'll remind him of our rings.

I'll remind him of the jingles we used to write.

And if that doesn't work,

I'll take him down to the cabin and remind him

of the thing we used to do most.

( humorous theme playing )

Backgammon.

We played backgammon a lot.

Hmm.

Honest.

I believe you.

You do?

Did I ever tell you about the swampland I have for sale?

( band playing light jazz )

You're a beautiful man.

You're a beautiful woman.

You're more beautiful than I am.

You're beautifully honest.

Congratulations, Julie.

Your electronic icebreaker seems to be working for everybody.

With one small exception.

( sighing ): Yeah.

Me.

I was talking about me.

I'm sure it was just a misunderstanding, Walt.

I bet Brigitte would love to dance with you.

What size bet did you have in mind?

Come on. Let's ask her.

Yvonne, I hope your friend says yes.

I promised Walt a good time.

I've got a lot of money riding on this.

( laughs )

Oh, you don't understand a word I'm saying.

Gopher. GOPHER: Mm?

My friend Walt wants to dance with Brigitte.

WALT: Yeah. Ah.

GOPHER: Um, yeah.

Um, Brigitte, uh... ( speaking in French )

Oui.

Heh. Pourquois pas.

Oh, yeah. Pourquois pas?

Yeah. Oui.

WALT: That's what she said last time.

Again with the feet like an elephant and banana nose?

Seymour!

SEYMOUR: Wait a minute.

( Yvonne speaking French )

Shall we?

You bet.

Isaac.

What would you like?

I think I'll have a cognac,

and I guess you'll want one too.

Ah, two cognacs, right?

TED: Uh, not for me. I'd like a beer.

I've never acquired a taste for cognac.

Oh, then I'll have a beer too.

Two light, right?

No, I always drink dark beer.

Uh, make that two dark beers.

Coming right up.

TED: You know, I just might try a cognac.

I may get to like it.

Ah, two cognacs. Right.

That ring you're wearing, it's the same as mine.

LILLY: Really?

Where'd you get it?

I don't know.

I've been wearing it as long as I can remember.

Mine was made for me by a little jeweler

on 48th Street in New York.

I've never been to New York.

A friend of mine designed it.

Actually, he was more than just a friend.

Well, I guess he must've designed two, then.

Small world, isn't it?

What do you do in New York?

I write advertising jingles. No kidding?

You might have heard some of them.

Like the, uh, Cupid Cologne commercial.

♪ Make her your own ♪

♪ With Cupid Cologne ♪

♪ Reach out and grab it ♪

♪ Let her know you have it ♪

What's the matter?

I'm sorry. I-I don't mean to make fun of your jingle,

but it is kind of inane, isn't it?

That jingle sold a lot of cologne.

"Reach out and grab it"?

"Let her know you have it"?

( laughs )

I guess it is kind of inane.

ISAAC: There you go. Thanks, Isaac.

Well, how do you like it?

Tastes like your Cupid Cologne.

Julie, you have been ducking me all night.

Mm-hm. I was hoping you'd get the message.

I got the message.

I got the message from my 272 mini-scan.

You know what it says?

It says that you and I are fated for each other.

Well, I guess I'm just not ready to meet my fate yet.

Oh, Julie, why fight it?

It's Valentine's. Hearts, love and all that stuff.

And besides, my printout says that you and I

have the same interests, compatible temperaments

and also long-range goals.

Well, my printout says, "Bug off."

I don't get it.

Julie, Julie,

logic says that you and I should be in love.

What's logic got to do with love?

Love is spontaneous, mysterious,

wild, crazy.

You know, you light up my life,

climb the highest mountain, swim the deepest sea.

Love is an emotion.

Wrong. Love is based on facts.

Like the fact that...

The fact that I have a tremendous

crush on your shoulders.

Mm, mm.

That's spontaneous. Oh, no, no.

That happens to be the logical result

of my predictable attraction to you.

Oh, that's romantic.

Julie. Julie, it's the romance of the future.

It's geometry, it's mathematics.

It's bull! It's... ( mellow theme playing )

Come on in.

I've been working on something I want you to hear.

Oh, I'd like that.

Well, I hope so.

I'm gonna call it "Lilly's Song."

I'm flattered.

( playing softly )

It's beautiful.

But, Ted,

that's the music to the Cupid Cologne jingle.

You know, you're right.

I thought I made it up.

I'm sorry. Oh, don't stop.

You play beautifully.

Oh, some other time.

I write a lot of tunes.

It's lyrics I have trouble with.

That's my specialty.

Why don't we write something together?

Yeah, I'd like that.

I think I better warn you though I do most of my composing

sitting on my porch in Sonoma County.

Watching the Russian River go by.

Is that an invitation?

Sure is.

Maybe I'll take you up on it.

Of course, in a few days I think I'd miss

the excitement of New York.

Lilly, there's plenty of excitement

outside of New York, you know.

I mean, there's excitement right here in this room.

Did that remind you of anything?

What should it remind me of?

Ah, never mind.

( upbeat theme playing )

Brigitte? Oui?

Uh, uh, people think, uh...

( speaking in French )

( Brigitte laughs )

( speaking in French )

SAM: Penny, that's... That's the wrong move.

See, I move here and my queen mates,

I move here and my knight mates,

I move here and my rook mates.

That's what I love about chess.

All this mating.

DARYL: Are you enjoying this as much as I am?

Oh, yes, it's wonderful.

Hey, Nick, here comes your intended.

Yeah, with intent to kill.

Nick, wait. What have I done now?

Well, you haven't done anything. Heh.

Except make a lot of people extremely happy.

Look at 'em. They're having a ball.

And it's all because of your computer.

Just like I told you, it never fails.

Except maybe for us.

Nick.

I'd like to apologize for last night.

I was pretty rough.

Well, maybe I came on kind of strong.

Yeah, well, I didn't have to react so negatively.

I shouldn't have pushed so hard.

Yeah, well, I was a jerk.

Nah. No, I was a jerk.

No, I was a jerk.

Okay, you were a jerk. Oh.

Have dinner with me tonight?

Sure.

The chef's making veal parmesan.

Veal p... I love it, it's my favorite.

Oh, that's mine too.

There's another thing we have in common. Isn't that wonderful?

Julie, Julie, the list is endless.

That's why the machine put us together.

Oh, well, I think it's terrific. It sure made people happy.

Oh, Mr. Heider, uh, I was wondering if you're

going to give your computer another shot.

Well, uh, I-I didn't think I'd bother, captain.

Things seem to be fine for everybody.

Not everybody.

So if you have

another session, let me know.

Uh, I've filled out another card.

I left some blanks on the first one.

Brigitte. Um...

( both speaking in French )

Oh, Brigitte, you're truly the most beautiful, uh, uh...

( speaks in French )

( both speaking in French )

Uh, the most wonderful...

( speaking in French )

( speaks in French )

Ah.

Oh, Brigitte. It's hopeless.

I-I need my dictionary.

( both speaking in French )

I don't wanna bouge pas.

But I gotta...

Brigitte, stay here.

Stay... ( speaking in French )

Oui, Gopher.

Gopher. Yvonne.

( speaking in French )

Knock off the French, will you, Yvonne? It's me.

Shh! Where were you?

I was with Gopher. What do you think?

It's getting to be impossible.

His French is so bad I can't communicate with him.

I'm going to tell him I speak English.

You do and you'll blow my whole deal.

I got a big fish on the line.

Well, what about me?

This could be the love of my life.

If it's the love of your life, it'll last past this cruise.

Please, for the sake of our friendship,

don't speak English till we get off this boat.

I'll tell everybody I borrowed a Berlitz book

from the ship's library.

No.

I'm a quick study. No.

Well, then do me a favor. What?

Next time you ask me to go on a cruise with you, don't.

( sighs )

( mellow theme playing )

You know, it's funny. I... I feel like I've known you all my life.

I mean, all these strange coincidences.

Like you thinking you knew me

and us wearing the same ring and all.

I don't know, it's like we were meant for each other.

I love you, you know.

I wondered who was gonna say it first.

Lilly, would you think I was crazy

if I asked you to come to California with me?

We could get married.

I have a career in New York.

We could be together there too.

No, I'd never fit in.

Yes, you would.

I'd be like a fish out of water.

You'd love New York.

I know you would if you gave it a try.

I could get you a job at the agency writing music.

I'd be no good at it.

What do you mean you'd be no good at it?

You were good at it. You were the best!

Damn it, don't you remember?

Lady, you're out of your mind.

You're the one who's out of his mind.

Alex, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.

Once and for all, my name's Ted. Ted Wilcox.

( knocking on door )

Hi there, Mr. Computer-mate.

Hi, gorgeous. Wanna come out and play?

Wanna come in and play?

I thought you'd never ask.

I thought of nothing but you all day.

What... What are you doing?

I gotta shave.

You've done that three times already.

Think you should give it a rest?

I like to look my best.

You like to look in the mirror.

How would you know?

You have your head inside a book most of the time.

You're really a drag, you know.

A drag?

You don't know the meaning of the word.

In fact, there are a lot of words

you don't know the meaning of. Are you calling me a dummy?

Well, I'll tell you what you are.

You're a boring egghead with as much sex appeal as a...

As a bowling ball.

Oh, no, my tan is beginning to fade.

I need some sun.

You know what you really need?

What? Another shave.

( computer honks, whistles, makes crashing noise )

( upbeat theme playing )

( band playing light jazz )

Brigitte. Oui?

( speaking in French )

Uh... ( speaking in French )

Uh...

Oh, Brig... You know, I just wish you could speak my language.

Oh, Gopher... ( speaking in French )

Huh?

I said if only I could...

Wait, wait, wait. Did you just say something in English?

Ah!

Oh!

Wait, wait. Uh... Oh! Brigette.

No, no, no. Excuse moi.

No, no. No, excuse moi.

( both speaking in French )

Ah, oui. ( speaking in French )

( speaking in French )

You have something for the stain?

( speaking in French )

Oh, good. Thank you. Right!

Thanks a lot.

Make that merci beaucoup.

( Yvonne shouting in French )

Happy? Mm-hm.

I think we can say

that your machine is a total success.

Ah, my machine only helps those who help themselves.

Whew. Let's go.

( applause )

Oh, I'd say a complete success.

You are a cultural desert.

Vast.

You... You haven't even read James Joyce.

I've read the dirty parts.

Is that all you can think about is sex?

Well, someone has to think of it.

( computer honks, whistles, makes crashing noise )

( upbeat theme playing )

Voilà.

Merci.

Thanks, sweetie.

You speak English.

Uh-huh.

Oh, by the way,

I can't get rid of the stain.

But I can get rid of you.

Hey, Yvonne. Wait... Wait, Yvonne!

Yvonne, you can't leave now.

( clears throat )

Good evening. Enjoying your cruise?

Me too.

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh, Doc, I blew it.

He asked me to marry him and live in California.

And?

And I said we should live in New York.

That I could get him his old job writing jingles.

He doesn't belong up in the woods making guitars.

Why not?

Because he has a brilliant mind.

He could write his own ticket on Madison Avenue.

Maybe he doesn't like Madison Avenue.

Maybe Madison Avenue is the reason he snapped.

What do you mean?

Look, amnesia can be caused by emotional stress.

If there's too much pressure on a person, the mind reacts.

I put more pressure on Alex than anyone.

I drove him.

I wanted us to have our own agency.

The crazy thing is, I love the new Alex.

If you love him, then why don't you go out

to California with him?

Oh, sure, just drop everything

and run off and live out a fantasy.

( somber theme playing )

Don't you have a fantasy?

Yeah.

I've always wanted something more than jingles.

I wanted to write songs about life and love.

My favorite kind.

But I'm no Carole King.

I'd probably fall flat on my face.

Lilly, if you're happy with what you're doing,

you're not failing.

That sounds like something Ted would say.

Don't you mean Alex?

No. I mean Ted.

( upbeat theme playing )

( band playing light jazz )

Oh, say, Nick, uh,

have you, uh, put my new card through the machine?

Yes, sir.

And?

And, uh... Uh, well, what can I say?

Good night.

Why don't you just say that you lost it?

( sighs )

Whoa! I'm sorry...

Gopher... Sir... Sir, no,

I can explain everything. And you will.

In my office. Right now.

But, sir, I've gotta get back to... Now!

Uh, captain? Yes?

I see the computer finally came up with a date for you.

Sir, can we take shorter steps?

As many steps as you wanna take.

This way.

Wow. Ah. Wow. Heh.

Would you like a drink?

Uh, no, no. This late at night, the only thing I can drink

is hot cocoa.

Hot cocoa.

Mmm. I got some hot cocoa.

Thank you.

Mm. Well, all we need now

is some Frank Sinatra.

( giggles )

( tape playing "Strangers in the Night" )

But where's Frank?

Julie, I don't want any other men in your life.

Oh, whatever I ever said about your theories, Nick,

I apologize.

I'll never complain about your computer again.

( knocking at door )

Oh, no.

Not now.

( knocking persists )

( groans )

Your computer stinks!

Listen, we want a rematch.

All... All we ever do is fight.

NICK: Look, every couple can expect

to have differences now and then...

How's this for a difference?

I cannot stand the sight of this man.

Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha.

PENNY: Now you're laughing, but when I wanted a few laughs,

all you could talk about was the origin of German lieder

and its influence on zither music.

( rapping at door )

( all shouting )

You got me in this, now you get me out.

Oh, get him out? The peacock.

The only time he looks me in the eyes

is to see his own reflection.

Now, relax, everybody, we can work this out.

I want to trade this guy in.

SAM: Listen, I should either

punch you in the nose or kick in your computer.

A punch in the nose? That sounds good to me.

Now, hold it, fellas... Yeah! I'm gonna hold him,

you bite him in the leg.

Go ahead. Now... Now, wait a second.

NICK: We can talk about this. ( all shouting indistinctly )

Well, here I am.

It's late at night.

I'm in a handsome man's cabin.

Soft lights. Beautiful music.

Something just doesn't seem right.

( mellow theme playing )

( strumming ballad )

Hi.

Hi.

Ted, I'm sorry about this afternoon.

Oh, that's okay.

I was trying to turn you into someone I once knew.

It was a mistake.

No, it was my mistake.

I almost let you get away.

Is that offer still open

to sit and watch the Russian River go by?

You mean you're willing to give up New York?

It's just a city.

And your career?

Can I tell you a secret?

There's always been something lacking.

All I've ever really wanted to do was write songs.

And I know deep down if I give myself the chance,

I can write good ones.

Well, I can offer you a rocking chair

and a sunset every now and then for inspiration.

You scared?

Mm-hm.

But someone once told me if you like what you're doing,

you'll be great at it.

And I sure like what I'm doing.

( romantic theme playing )

( foghorn blowing )

( upbeat theme playing )

Oh!

C'est magnifique.

( smooching )

( speaks in French )

( giggles )

Brigitte, you're not being fair.

It's a complete misunderstanding.

Look, will you let me explain?

How can you explain it? You didn't come back

and you dumped me and left me all alone

in the Acapulco Lounge.

You speak English? She speaks English.

Yeah. Just like Yvonne.

( Yvonne speaking in French )

Pardon my French, honey, but take a hike.

Walt, excuse moi.

And pourquois pas.

Well, there goes my millionaire.

Well, c'est la vive.

T'aint funny, Brigitte.

Chéri, Seymour.

( Yvonne speaking indistinctly )

You spoke English the whole time.

I made a complete fool of myself.

It was Yvonne's idea.

She thought it would be a good way to get guys.

Yeah, French guys.

Gopher.

Mm.

Encore.

Well, if you insist.

Goodbye, Doc. And thank you for everything.

Sure. Run off with a guitar player.

If you'd heard me play stethoscope,

it would have been a different story.

Goodbye, Ted.

Bye, Doc.

I love you, you know.

More than I did before.

Before?

Well, I don't remember much about my life in New York,

but last night with you,

I remembered the most important part:

I loved you then and I love you now.

STUBING: There you go. Got it?

( sighs )

Captain, I gotta tell you,

I'm really embarrassed

about the way things worked out.

I don't know. I... I guess the machine

was just malfunctioning.

It had to be broken, or it would have found someone for me.

Wouldn't it? Well... Don't answer that.

So you like, uh, James Joyce and, uh, lieder music.

Listen, I'm sorry about... Sam,

do I look like a cultural desert?

No, not at all.

Not at all.

They're not supposed to be together.

How about a shot of me over there...

I'd like to apologize... Oh, no, lamb chop.

Let's wait till we get to my apartment.

You need a shave.

Oh, that's screwball. How did he end up with her?

Oh, Penny, we're so sorry about this computer business.

Sorry?

Honey, I had a great time.

Look what I ended up with:

a man of few words but plenty of action.

( laughs ) Bye-bye.

Boy, did I mess up everything.

According to the computer, I mean, none of those couples

should be couples. Oh, I don't know.

I think the computer was great for you and Miss McCoy.

( clears throat )

Um, confession time, captain.

Uh, the computer had nothing to do with it.

I rigged it.

What? No, that's right.

I... I rigged it.

Julie, I gotta tell you,

the first time I saw you, I knew.

I knew you were the one for me.

Then science had nothing to do with it.

Of course it did.

After all, biology is a science.

( Jack Jones' "The Love Boat" playing )