Original subtitles

( Jack Jones' "The Love Boat" playing )

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon will be making Another run ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪

( upbeat theme playing )

Excuse me, how long before we sail?

Oh, about another half an hour, sir.

Thank you. Don't worry.

She'll make it.

Pardon me?

Well, I figure a handsome man like you...

Well, thank you again. Mm-hm.

( foghorn blowing )

Uh, yes, sir, that's, uh, the late-sitting dinner.

Eight o'clock. Thank you. Welcome aboard.

Uh, ma'am, yes.

Mrs. Corwin, you're in 130, Fiesta Deck.

Me? I'm standing right here.

You must have me mixed up with another Mrs. Corwin.

No, ma'am, I meant your cabin's on Fiesta Deck.

Room 130.

Oh, thank you.

Hi. Welcome aboard.

Uh, let's see... Okay, you first.

Uh, that's Aloha Deck. That's right through here.

Cabin 325.

Now, let's see... Oh, Doc, listen,

give me a hand, will you? I'm going crazy here.

Are you kidding?

I'm a physician, not a room clerk.

( sighs )

Well, maybe just this once. Excuse me.

Uh, excuse me. Well, hi.

Welcome aboard.

Uh, thanks, Doc. I'll take over.

Hi. I'm Yeoman Purser Smith.

Dr. Adam Bricker.

I'm Melanie Taylor, and...

And this is my friend Jane Cole.

And if you'll help us find our cabin,

you'll have a friend for life.

I'll not only help you find it,

I'll move in with you.

Well, with Jane and me and only two beds,

I think it'll be a little bit crowded, don't you?

Oh, I don't mind doubling up if you don't.

BRICKER: Ah.

As the ship's official medical representative,

I have to veto that idea.

Overcrowded cabins are a serious health hazard.

Oh, and... And what do you suggest we do, doctor?

Well, come to my cabin instead.

Can I come too? I always wanted to see how doctors operate.

Here you go, guys. You're in Cabin C-122 on the Coral Deck.

Have a wonderful cruise.

Thanks, babe.

Hello, beautiful lady.

Hi. I'm Mike Andrews. This is my friend Doug Ketcham.

And we've come to rescue you from this, uh,

dangerous nautical type.

Do I look like I need rescuing?

You really can't trust a grown man in a sailor suit.

Okay, then I'll put on my stethoscope.

We could play doctor.

Uh, Melanie, I-I don't want to scare you,

but if you attract any more guys to this side of the ship,

it's gonna list.

Thank you.

Hm.

And you are on Promenade Deck, Cabin 340,

and that's the early sitting.

Thank you. Welcome aboard.

Uh... Uh, can't you process the passengers

more efficiently, purser? I mean, I've been standing here

for three minutes and 14 seconds by the clock.

Well, I'm sorry, sir.

Everybody's just boarding at once.

That's, uh, 21 seconds.

The name is Waterman.

Waterman.

Dusty.

Mr. Dusty Waterman.

Uh, Marvin.

Oh, Dusty Marvin.

Good, I don't have a Waterman.

But, Gopher, I can't find Fiesta Deck.

Well, I'm sure it's where we left it, ma'am.

Listen, just through the lobby, into the elevator

and down a floor. Oh, thank you, Gopher.

Not at all. Oh,

and I've forgotten my cabin number

and I don't know what time dinner is.

One-thirty.

Isn't that early for dinner?

No, that's your cabin number.

Dinner is at 8.

Oh.

Now I've got everything straight.

GOPHER: Good.

Where's the lobby?

Close your eyes.

( sighs )

Ta-da!

Oh, thank you, Gopher.

( chuckles ) Uh, Marvin Waterman.

It's been exactly five minutes, 18 seconds on the nose.

Yes, sir.

( speaking in foreign language )

GOPHER: Hi.

Uh, Zidreczky, Zidreczky.

Oh, Zidreczky. Oh... Ah, Mr. Zidreczky,

uh, I'm taking care of Mr., uh...?

Waterman.

Uh... Uh, you wait.

Wait.

You, uh, Promenade Deck, three... Three.

Can I just show you? Yes.

WATERMAN: Obviously a language barrier.

Just go up these stairs and turn right.

So why don't you just slip into something casual and have fun.

This is something casual.

Gopher.

You should hear this too.

I just had a tip from one of my friends at the head office.

A line is sending one of their inspectors on this cruise.

Now, he'll be checking up on all of us

and sending back a report on how we perform our duties.

Now, my advice to all of you is:

watch your step.

What's the problem, sir?

We'll treat him like a king.

STUBING: The problem is,

I don't know who he is.

Could be anyone on the ship.

Well, it's not me. That narrows it down.

Sir, you have nothing to worry about.

We're a great crew.

Sure. When it comes to services, we cover the bases from A to Z.

Z! Oh, I left Mr. Zidreczky out on the deck.

( sighs )

We better start worrying.

Sarah.

Hi.

BOTH: Oh.

Baby... ( laughs )

you look gorgeous.

Oh.

I couldn't have changed that much in three weeks.

I don't know. Three weeks without you is much, much more

than 21 days.

No wonder he was nervous. She's worth waiting for.

Well, he's not exactly

yesterday's mashed potatoes either.

Worth waiting for, isn't she?

That's what Doc was just saying.

And then Julie said you're... Uh, excuse me.

You're Mr., uh...? Sherwood.

Brian Sherwood.

And this is Mrs. Sarah Lambert.

Well, how do you do?

Hi.

JULIE: Let's see.

Mr. Sherwood, you're in Cabin 350

on the Promenade Deck.

And Mrs. Lambert... Well, what do you know?

You're right next door, Cabin 348.

They're connected. Thank you.

You didn't have to get two rooms.

Well, I thought you might like some privacy.

Besides, I didn't want to tarnish your reputation.

( giggles )

( foghorn blowing )

( upbeat theme playing )

( all cheering and shouting )

( foghorn blowing )

You know, that Mike is really cute.

I've got my eye on him.

Yeah, and if you saw the look in his eyes,

you'd know the feeling is mutual.

( sighs ) Not to mention the other three guys.

You're gonna have a ball, as usual.

Well, you are too.

Oh, I don't know.

I wish you never talked me into coming on this cruise.

Why?

Well, because this is your scene, not mine.

And I'm afraid I'm gonna be a drag to you.

Oh, you are not. Now, come on, none of this negative stuff.

We're both gonna have a great time,

and we're gonna have lots of dates.

Yeah, you'll get the dates and I'll get the pits.

( chuckles )

( mellow theme playing )

You mean, the front office sent somebody onboard

to check up on us?

Yeah, but as Julie says,

we don't have anything to worry about.

Hey, we're a terrific crew.

I don't know.

A friend of mine, Cleofus,

now, he thought he was part of a pretty good crew too.

But after the inspector came on his ship,

they fired the engineer, the cruise director

and half the kitchen staff.

Boy, that guy must've been pretty tough.

CORWIN: Uh, excuse me,

can you tell me where the doctor's office is?

Oh, I'm the doctor.

Is anything bothering you?

No.

Well, then, uh, why are you looking for the doctor's office?

Well, just in case something was bothering me,

I wanted to know where to go.

But it wouldn't matter anyway,

because if I went there, you wouldn't be there.

You'd be here.

Well, in that case, they'd page me

and I'd come to you wherever you were.

Well, if you'd come to me wherever I was,

then what do you need an office for?

She could be the inspector.

It's obvious they aren't gonna send us anybody too obvious.

Obviously.

But she's so unobvious it makes her obvious.

Ah. I didn't think of that.

Obviously.

( softly ): Aha.

I think I know who the inspector is.

Did you ever see a more suspicious-looking pair of legs?

We can't take any chances.

Uh-uh. I'd better go investigate.

( mellow theme playing )

BRICKER: Hi.

( chuckles )

Thank you. Mm-hm.

Thank you, Isaac. Sure.

Oh, would you, uh, start a tab for me, please?

Uh, Promenade Cabin 348.

No, I'm in 348. You're in 350. Oh, that's right.

Cabin 350, please. Oh, I'd better watch you.

You know it's pretty tough when a guy can't sneak a drink

through on a girl's bill.

( coughing )

You okay?

Oh, fine.

Just, uh, add a little cough syrup

to my next martini, will you?

Is there any other way to make 'em?

( chuckles )

Well...

to, uh... our time together.

That's my favorite toast.

How's your husband?

You never can bring yourself to call him by his name.

Fred. How is he?

He's well.

And the marriage?

Better.

Not good, but better.

Are you planning to stay with him?

I think so.

For the children.

That's always a difficult decision.

Very.

Let's see, you've been divorced for four years now.

Look how long you stayed married for your children.

If you ever decide... Please.

This is supposed to be our time together

away from the rest of the world.

You're right.

I'm sorry.

Mmm.

Well, excuse me, both of you.

I'm gonna go pick up some film in the gift shop.

Oh, well, thank you. I have to go too.

I, uh... I hear they're having a sale on scalpels.

( sighs )

Hi, Jane. Where's Melanie?

Oh, um, she went to the gift shop with Doc.

Oh. Thanks, Jane. See you later.

( sighs )

Hi, Jane. Hi.

Where's Melanie?

She's in the gift shop with Doc and Mike.

Thanks. See you around.

( speaking in foreign language )

She's in the gift shop.

( upbeat theme playing )

( band playing light jazz)

( inaudible dialogue )

You've had this lovely young lady long enough.

Time to share with a friend.

Some things you don't share, even with your friend.

Very possessive, isn't he? You think this is bad?

You should see how he is with his teddy bear.

( music stops )

I love watching them.

They have such a good time together.

They're always touching.

Who?

Mr. Sherwood and his friend.

( music resumes )

That's not touching. That's cradle snatching.

Oh, you don't have a poetic bone in your body.

Well, Julie, he is a little old for her, wouldn't you say?

I think you're jealous.

( sighs )

Good evening.

Good evening, sir. Good evening, captain.

Captain, you're a man of the world.

Why, thank you.

Wouldn't you say that man over there

is just a little bit too old for that lady?

( both laugh )

I don't know. He looks about five years older than I do.

Older? Tsk.

Five years older?

Gee, I would have guessed ten.

Yes, I, uh... I can see myself with a woman that age.

They do look happy together.

Well, if it works for them,

that's what's important, isn't it?

After all, it is their affair.

That's the word for it.

Ah, now, here's your drink, sir.

Thank you.

Say, uh, how come you're not out on the dance floor

dancing with one of those beautiful ladies?

Your crew has them all.

When do they find time to do their work?

Well, that is part of their work.

That's why they never go on strike.

On strike.

May I cut in for medical reasons?

What medical reasons?

I'm sick of you dancing with her.

( Melanie giggles )

Hi, Jane.

Hi, Gopher.

Listen, um, when Melanie gets back,

would you please tell that drink's for her?

( sighs )

Oh, of course.

Thanks.

Having a good time?

Oh, yeah.

Good.

Bye.

Bye.

( sighs )

I'm definitely having a thrilling time

watching Melanie dance and watching Melanie's drink.

May I cut in?

Sure, try that couple over there.

Get lost, pal.

Welcome home.

( speaking in foreign language )

I don't know. Can you hum a few bars?

Do you mind sharing this table?

Oh, not at all.

Who with?

( laughing ): Me.

( laughing ): Oh. Oh, excuse me.

I'm such a ninny.

( sighs )

Beautiful day, wasn't it?

Mm, yes.

Did you take a swim?

Well, I was going to, but I didn't know

how I'd get back on the ship again.

Uh, didn't anyone tell you about the ship's pool?

Oh, I never gamble.

Very interesting.

( chuckles )

Gamble.

Well, I know who the inspector is.

Who?

( softly ): It's Mr. Waterman.

( inaudible dialogue )

He's been asking all the passengers questions

and taking notes.

That's the guy that was checking for dirt and walking around

with a stopwatch.

What'll we do?

We don't do anything.

We treat him exactly the same as any other passenger.

Hi, Mr. Waterman. How are you this evening?

Fine. Would you like to dance?

Feeling all right, sir? Mr. Waterman,

I got some champagne here...

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Uh, would you care to come up to see the bridge?

Oh, excuse me.

( upbeat theme playing )

Mm.

Why don't you come in for a while, Mike.

Well, I don't usually go to a strange woman's cabin

on the first date.

Oh. But, uh, in your case,

I'll make an exception.

MELANIE: Oh, Janie,

um, I didn't mean to disturb you.

See you later, okay?

( sighs )

Well, now what are we gonna do?

How about your cabin? ( sighs )

Same problem. Doug's in there.

Well, I guess it's back to the Acapulco Lounge.

I wasn't exactly in the mood for more dancing.

Uh-huh.

Oh, Doug, am I glad to see you.

You are?

Yeah, I have a big favor to ask you.

You want me to get rid of this masher?

Ha-ha. No, no.

I want you to get rid of my roommate.

How about asking her out for a drink?

Yeah, for old time's sake. What do you say, old buddy?

Well, if I don't, you guys are going

to make a spectacle of yourselves

here in the passageway

and embarrass the hell out of me.

Thanks, Doug. Thanks, old buddy.

( knocks on door )

Oh, hi, Jane.

Uh, Melanie's out.

I'm not looking for Melanie. I'm looking for you.

Would you like to have a drink with me?

So who'd you lose out to, Doc or Mike?

Mike.

Figures. Let me get my purse.

Let's go.

( playful theme playing )

There you go, Mr. Waterman.

Can I get you another pillow, sir?

No.

Can I get you something to help you sleep?

No, thank you. How about a little nightcap?

No. Listen, if you people don't let me get some sleep,

I'll never be able to finish my book.

Your book? Of course.

I'm a writer. Why do you think I've been making those notes?

You're not an inspector?

An inspector? I'm an author.

You mean, you haven't read my books?

Heh. Well, they're absolute classics.

Take this one:

uh, Marvin the Horse Goes Skydiving.

It's very, very popular.

Marvin the Fish Goes to Hollywood.

Ooh.

Marvin the Mosquito Falls in Love.

Oh, hey, I missed that one.

When I was a kid, for Pete's sake.

Please leave me alone so I can finish my latest and greatest:

Marvin the Camel Takes a Cruise.

And you're all in it.

( all chuckle )

We're sorry, Mr. Waterman. We'll leave you alone.

Have a good evening. Yes.

Won't bother you again.

( clears throat )

Good night.

( door closes, opens )

( sighs )

( playful theme playing )

Do you mind?

I love your work.

( chuckles )

Oh, terrific.

They're in there and I'm out here.

Now where am I supposed to sleep?

I knew I shouldn't have come on this trip with her.

She always does this to me.

You can sleep in my cabin.

( scoffs )

Doug, we just met.

Oh, no, that... That's not what I meant.

I'm not asking you to, uh...

Well, you know what I mean.

No, I don't. What do you mean?

Well, Mike's inside with Melanie,

so obviously there's an empty bed in my cabin.

You might as well use it. It's convenient.

Too convenient.

I promise I'll sleep on my side and you'll sleep on your side.

There'll be no hanky-panky. Scout's honor.

Well,

if you can't trust a scout, who can you trust?

Right.

Just promise me one thing. What?

Don't rub two sticks together and start a fire.

Heh-heh. Oh.

( upbeat theme playing )

You'll never get tired of New York, will you?

Never.

It's one of a kind.

The men always wear ties and the ladies always wear dresses,

and the city is always on the verge of bankruptcy.

( giggles )

What about Beverly Hills?

Oh, it never changes.

We all sit there in our $60 jeans and watch the smog.

Charming. ( laughs )

Oh, you should see my new penthouse.

Knowing how you like flowers,

I, uh, planted a whole roof garden.

How do you get anything to grow in that New York soot?

I figured out a way. I planted black flowers.

( laughs )

When are you coming back to L.A. again?

Oh, in about, um, a month, I hope.

( coughs )

Pardon.

( coughing )

They look better on you than on Mike.

Oh, yeah, perfect fit.

Here, let me get that for you.

Uh, no, thank you.

I am perfectly capable of rolling up my own pajama sleeve.

Thank you.

( playful theme playing )

( clears throat ) Please let me do that for you.

I'm not trying to take them off, I'm just trying to roll them up.

There. Isn't that better?

Well, would you like something to eat?

I can call room service.

No. I'm not hungry.

Well, then, would you like a nightcap?

Magazine?

( sighs )

Well, I guess there's only one thing left to do.

Let's go to bed.

What?!

To sleep.

Oh.

Of course.

( sighs )

( sighs )

Good night, Jane.

( clears throat )

Mr. Waterman, I just wanted to make sure

you were getting enough attention.

( mellow theme playing )

Did I tell you how handsome you look this morning?

No.

Well, you do.

Very handsome.

Actually, you did.

But I just wanted to hear it again.

Ha-ha-ha.

( laughs ) Ha-ha-ha.

Don't leave me.

Darling, if it were only up to me.

Hi, sexy lady.

Hello.

Hi, Jane.

Hi.

Guess where she spent the night.

MIKE: Doug? Ho-ho-ho.

That son of a gun.

All my training hasn't been in vain.

Was everything to your satisfaction?

Oh, yes.

Uh, you have beautiful pajamas,

but I think you should have the sleeves shortened.

I'll see the tailor after lunch.

Come on, Melanie, I'm starving.

We'll see you later, Jane.

Bye, Jane. Have fun.

Bye.

Hey. Hello.

Now I gotta admit,

I like that outfit a little better

than the one you had on last night.

Of course, it doesn't fit as well.

( chuckles )

By the way, where did you go this morning?

I wanted to thank you for last night.

You must be an early riser.

Well, not really.

I just figured you'd want some privacy when you got up.

You seemed a little uncomfortable last night.

Oh, uncomfortable? Me?

Where did you get a crazy idea like that?

Oh, it's just a wild guess.

I never saw anybody sleep sitting up all night

holding a sheet like this:

How about some lunch?

In your cabin or the dining room?

Let's try the dining room.

I don't think you could eat much through a sheet.

How could we ever suspect a guy

who wrote Marvin the Worm Bakes a Pie?

Well, it's gotta be somebody.

Hey, you guys, guess who made

three ship-to-shore phone calls yesterday.

Marvin the radio operator?

( both laugh )

No, Mrs. Corwin.

No.

We already eliminated her.

Isaac, you make the best coffee I ever tasted.

Oh, thank you.

The sweet rolls are delicious.

Mm.

I'm gonna mention this in my next report.

( clears throat )

( elevator dings )

( all chuckle )

BRICKER: Now, wasn't that a wonderful elevator ride?

Uh, look, I'm just gonna buy a couple of postcards.

I mean, I really don't need all this attention.

Oh, well, that's what we're here for.

We'll help you pick 'em out.

We're just treating you like we do every other passenger.

Oh, you've been much too kind already.

Oh, uh, by the way, thanks for the copy

of Marvin the Flea Goes to Harvard.

Oh.

Now, let's see...

I needed to buy two postcards.

And there was one more thing I needed

before we get into Ensenada.

( speaking in foreign language )

That's it. A Spanish dictionary.

I can get it for you!

GOPHER: Hi. BOTH: Hi.

I, uh, stopped by yesterday, had it made up special.

What is it?

You'll see. Close your eyes.

You didn't have to do that.

I know, but I wanted to.

Okay.

I always wanted to buy you a diamond.

You're crazy.

I was gonna have it mounted in a ring.

( laughs )

Oh, the ace of diamonds from my king of hearts.

You know, I've been thinking.

After the cruise I'd like to go back to New York with you.

Sarah, we've been all through this.

Please, I want to. No.

Darling, we have an agreement.

( upbeat theme playing )

Isaac, another fog cutter for Mrs. Corwin.

Oh, no, captain.

One more of those

and I won't be able to steer the ship straight.

( all laugh )

Oh, no, no.

You're the one who steers the ship,

I'm the passenger.

Oh, what the hey?

Isaac, one more frog cutter.

Uh, fog cutter.

Not you, you're driving.

( all laugh )

( band playing light jazz )

You know, it's sure nice of Doug

to keep Jane occupied this way, isn't it?

Yeah, he's going way beyond the call of duty.

Heck of a good buddy.

Fine cognac.

A perfect ending to a perfect meal.

Do you remember the first time you ever took me out for dinner?

I mean, you know, just the two of us alone?

Of course.

La Grenouille.

Hm.

In fact, I still remember what you were wearing.

No, you don't.

Yes, I do.

You... You had on a pale blue dress,

with, uh, lace around the neckline

and long sleeves.

You're incredible.

( chuckles )

You know what I remember?

What?

I remember how impressed I was

that the maitre d' greeted you so personally

and shook your hand.

Oh, that's just because he knew there was a $20 bill in it.

And then when we left, I remember thinking,

"Gee, I hope I'm the only girl he ever brings here."

Then later, I remember you carried me into the bedroom.

( chuckles )

Uh, I think that fellow at the next table is listening.

He just drank his candle.

( both laugh )

( kisses )

( slurping )

Another fog cutter, Mrs. Corwin?

Oh, no, thank you.

I'll be in no condition to call in my report.

Uh, I understand.

Uh, business before pleasure.

What business?

My daughter paid for my trip.

She makes me call her twice a day

to tell her everything I'm doing.

Your daughter?

Or maybe it's my niece.

They look so much alike.

It's been lovely.

Thank you.

( speaking in foreign language )

Why, certainly.

I was just leaving.

I really had fun today, Jane.

Yeah, me too.

Pick you up for breakfast?

Eight o'clock okay?

Okay.

Well, good night.

Good night.

( romantic theme playing )

( band playing light jazz )

Well, looks like your favorite couple's

gonna close the joint.

Yeah, aren't they terrific?

They're never out of each other's sight.

ISAAC: You know, I've seen a lot of couples come and go,

but those two have a relationship

that's real special.

Yeah.

Well, good night, everybody.

Well, good night, Isaac.

Night, Doc.

See you in the morning.

Good night, Julie.

Just one more, please.

Do you know "You And I"?

Would you play that, please?

Thanks.

( band playing "You and I" )

♪ You and I ♪

♪ Know the reason why ♪

♪ A summer sky is blue ♪

♪ And we know why ♪

♪ Birds in the trees ♪

♪ Sing melodies too ♪

♪ And our love will grow ♪

♪ From the first "hello" ♪

♪ Until the last "goodbye" ♪

( Sarah crying )

Sarah!

Sarah.

( coughing )

Are you all right?

( coughing )

( knocking on door )

Tonight Mike invited Melanie to my cabin.

Ah, well, don't just stand there.

Come on in.

Listen, if you're uncomfortable about this,

just tell me and I'll find someplace else to go.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm not uncomfortable.

I'm just worried about one thing.

What's that?

How are you gonna look in Melanie's pajamas?

Uh, would you like something to eat?

I can call room service.

No, thanks, I'm not hungry.

Mm.

How about a nightcap?

Magazine?

Oh, well,

guess there's only one thing left for us to do.

Let's go to bed.

( romantic theme playing )

I'm sorry for that display.

I know.

Sarah...

this isn't easy for either of us.

What am I gonna do without you?

What am I gonna do?

( crying )

( upbeat theme playing )

I'm gonna go and get us some coffee, okay?

I'll be right back. You better be.

Hey, buddy, I haven't seen you around.

Where you been?

Well, Jane and I have been keeping pretty busy.

Yeah, I'll bet.

Hey, I gotta tell you, old buddy,

you have really been a heck of a good sport about this.

And I won't forget it, either.

What do you mean?

You know, keeping Jane out of our hair

the way you've been doing.

Asking her out for a drink the other night was terrific.

But keeping her busy

so Mike and I could be alone together,

that's even better.

Here's your coffee.

( dramatic theme playing )

DOUG: Jane!

Goodbye.

Oh, good morning.

Morning.

Where's Mr. Sherwood?

This is the first time I've ever seen you two apart.

Well, uh, he had a very restless night,

so I'm letting him sleep late.

I didn't want to wake him.

Oh, I wish somebody'd do that for me.

Heh. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

How about...

Marvin the Mole Meets Starsky and Hutch?

Uh, no, it won't work.

Marvin the Mole only works alone.

( speaking in foreign language )

Isn't that wonderful?

They've translated your books into every language.

Well, we know the inspector is not Mrs. Corwin

or Mr. Waterman.

That narrows it down.

Yeah, uh, how many passengers does that leave?

Five hundred and ninety-eight.

This is not going to be easy.

Well, what are we gonna do?

Well, we make sure that everybody

gets special treatment before we hit L.A.

Right.

Well, let's get to it.

( mellow theme playing )

Jane?

Jane?

Open up.

I'm going to stay here until you do.

I know hearing what they said must've hurt,

but what you don't know is what I was going to say to them.

That they did me a favor.

( sighs )

You're different from any girl I've ever met.

You're quiet and sensitive and real.

You don't have to worry that you're not like Melanie.

You're you.

You're special.

Well, anyway, I just want you to know...

I love you.

Well, why didn't you say so in the first place?

Well, I'm glad to see you two finally made up.

Would you mind if we use the cabin?

Yes, we would.

Let's go, sleepyhead, wake up.

We've got a lot of packing to do.

Mrs. Lambert?

Yes?

May we have a word with you in your cabin, please?

What is it?

Please.

( dramatic theme playing )

What is it? Tell me, please.

Mr. Sherwood.

A few hours ago... He isn't... No, no.

He's still alive.

But he's in great pain.

That's why I thought it best that we take him to a hospital

as quickly as possible.

I had a launch take him to Los Angeles about an hour ago.

He asked me not to tell you.

But, uh, he wanted me to give you this.

Oh, please, will... Will you read it?

"My dearest, darling Sarah,

"the end is coming sooner than the doctors foresaw,

"and as we agreed,

"I want to see this thing through alone.

"The short time I have left

"would only be torture for us both.

"So I have left you while joy was still with us,

"as it has been from the moment

"I first saw your beautiful face.

"Do not fret, my darling, Sarah.

"Only my life is ending.

"My undying love for you will live on.

"Your devoted... father."

Um, where is he?

What hospital?

He asked me not to say.

Uh, look.

My father and I had a bargain

that he... He wanted to do this his way.

But now I... Please, tell me where he is.

Dr. Bricker is in a sensitive position.

He has a doctor-patient trust to uphold.

Please.

He needs me.

Even if it's just to hold his hand.

And say "goodbye."

Please.

Adam?

I'm not a doctor.

He's at Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles.

We'll be docking in about an hour.

I'll get you there.

( funky theme playing )

( sighs )

( whistles )

JULIE: That inspector is driving us all crazy.

( grunts )

( sighs )

I think I just broke the world's record

for consecutive Ping-Pong games while playing shuffleboard.

I'm exhausted.

You?

I'm gonna put a sign over my bar.

"Over One Million Served."

( groans )

( exhales )

Hi.

Can I help you?

You're the only two I haven't done anything for.

Is that the way you lounge around

when there's an inspector onboard?

( upbeat theme playing )

Marvin the Author Falls in Love.

( chuckles )

How about that, Mrs. Corwin? Mmm?

Wait'll my daughter gets this report.

( giggles )

Oh, dear.

It's been great, Melanie.

You're a beautiful, sexy lady.

And you're a beautiful, sexy man.

Well, we'll see you sometime, okay?

Uh... When?

You know, sometime.

Bye.

I'll go get us all a cab, okay?

Okay, don't be too long.

Ah. Well, what can I say? We're an item.

Well, maybe you can ask him to fix me up with a friend.

Mm.

ISAAC: Come back again.

Bye.

ALL: Bye!

MELANIE: Bye. Bye.

WOMAN: Bye.

We've arranged for a car to take you to the hospital.

Thank you both for everything.

I'm very sorry, Mrs. Lambert.

Don't be.

My father and I had as near perfect a relationship

as God will allow.

Bye.

( sighs )

My God.

He was her father and I thought there was something going on.

Why is it that we always think the worst of people

instead of the best?

( upbeat theme playing )

Mrs. Corwin was so nice...

I must see someone in charge immediately!

Oh, well, sir, you're in luck. Here's the captain.

Oh, I am the company inspector for the Princess Lines.

You're the inspector? Mm-hm.

STUBING: I don't remember seeing you on this cruise.

Well, that's what I was trying to say.

My father drove me to the dock and disappeared.

And while I was rushing around, trying to find him,

the ship sailed without me.

You had seven days... ( speaking in foreign language)

Papa!

( laughing )

JULIE: Excuse me, excuse me.

That phrase that your father just used.

( speaks in foreign language )

What does that mean?

Uh, it means, uh...

"Have you seen my son, the inspector?"

ALL: Oh!

( Jack Jones' "The Love Boat" playing )