Original subtitles

( Jack Jones' "The Love Boat" playing )

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon will be making Another run ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪

( upbeat theme playing )

STUBING: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome aboard.

This is your captain speaking.

As a point of special interest, during this cruise,

we will be selecting a young lady

who will serve as ambassadress at large

for the cruise line for one year.

This lovely lady will be one of five beautiful models

who will be joining us on our three-day cruise to Mexico.

WOMAN: Buenas días. Buenas días.

( indistinct chatter )

Hi, and welcome.

MAN: Wait, wait, wait, here.

Ladies, ladies, just... Just stay right there.

How do you do? How do you do?

I'm Waldo Linden from head office.

I will be taking care of these ladies while they're onboard.

It's a pleasure to meet...

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

You may look, but don't touch.

Welcome aboard, Mr. Linden.

I'm Captain Stubing.

Ah, captain. A pleasure to meet you.

Thank you. Uh, I understand

that you've agreed to be the master of ceremonies

for our competition.

Um, I only hope it won't be, uh,

too much of an imposition on your time.

Well, it's just part of my job.

( chuckles )

( clears throat )

Oh, excuse me. Allow me to introduce our young women,

each an example of looks, talent and brains.

( all chuckle ) This is Rita...

STUBING: Hello. Nice to meet you.

WALDO: and Susie...

STUBING: Welcome aboard. Oh, thank you.

Ah... Teresa... Nice to see you.

Hello.

WALDO: Alma... STUBING: Hello.

Jeanette. Good grief, we've lost Jeanette.

I'll get her.

It's my ship.

Oh, hi! Hi!

( Jeanette laughing )

Oh! Oh...! Ooh!

This is so exciting!

I've only been on this ship two minutes

and I've already won something.

What? The booby prize?

JEANETTE: Well, you see,

I went down the wrong gangway

and I ended up in the engine room,

and the boys down there voted me most likely to.

Most likely to what?

They didn't say.

Jeanette, you're going to be the death of me.

What a way to go.

Robin Brant. Oh, Miss Brant.

Yes. You're in Room 108 on the Promenade Deck.

That's right up these stairs and to the right.

Thank you. Mm-hm.

Smith. Uh, Jim Smith.

Yes, Mr. Smith, you're in Cabin 116 on the Promenade Deck.

That's right up those stairs.

Thank you. Mm-hm.

You'd think he'd come up with something

a little more imaginative than Smith.

Pardon me?

J.P. Whitcomb, the congressman.

You mean the one who...?

The one whose wife is divorcing him because of the chorus girl.

Oh, you know, I heard the House of Representatives

is considering impeaching him.

Yeah. His wife's throwing him out of the house,

and the House is throwing him out of the House.

He looks like a nice guy. I feel sorry for him.

Yeah, well, you're the only one in the whole world who does.

Where can I make a phone call?

In your cabin, but the phones aren't operative

until we leave port.

Oh, okay. Oh, excuse me,

your seating for dinner?

Oh, yeah... Mr. Smith's table will be just terrific.

( scatting )

♪ I'm wailin' 'Cause I'm sailin' ♪

Hoist the anchor without fear, because Virgil Gibson is here.

Well, Mr. Gibson. Welcome aboard.

That's it?

Ain't you gonna pipe me aboard?

Oh, we're sorry, sir.

We don't normally do that.

Oh, that's all right. I'll pipe myself aboard.

( hoots )

♪ I'm takin' a cruise To lose the blues ♪

♪ With a smile on my face And a shine on my shoes... ♪

Excuse me... Excuse me.

But the rest of us would like to come aboard.

VIRGIL: Oh, I'm sorry, sugar.

But you see, when my jaw starts flappin',

my brain starts knockin'.

( scatting )

The other models are inside,

but you are by far the most beautiful.

Models? Ha.

Sweetheart, I'm here to work on my doctorate.

I'm not a piece of cheesecake.

Ooh, she don't like you and she don't like me.

But lucky for us, there's other fish in the sea.

Ha-ha! How!

♪ That's enough, McDuff You've heard enough ♪

( doo-wops ) ( snaps fingers )

Isaac, oh-ho.

( all laugh )

Oh, wow. ( gasps )

Isn't this nice? Oh, great.

JEANETTE: Ah. Oh, isn't this wonderful.

One whole cabin for all three of us.

Yeah, we don't have to share with anybody.

( Jeanette giggles )

You got great measurements:

36-24-36.

Zero.

Now, listen, Rita...

Hey, now come on, you two.

I'm gonna go throw confetti.

Me too.

Only I'm gonna be throwing most of it at her.

( mischievous theme playing )

Guess who?

Rick! Oh!

Mwah! Oh... Well, hey, tell me, young lady,

do you kiss every man that sneaks into your room?

Only those that I'm engaged to. Ah.

I was hoping that you'd come to see me off.

Oh, I did better than that.

I bought a ticket.

( sighs ): Hey, that's great.

You don't seem too thrilled about it.

Look, I just didn't want anybody to know about us.

You know the rules of the competition.

I'm supposed to be unattached, free to travel.

I know all that, but I just couldn't stand

to be away from you, that's all.

For three days?

Look, what if I win this thing?

I'd be gone for a year.

I guess I'll just have to stow away in your trunk.

Rick, look, this is a really big chance for me.

I'd get to do three national commercials.

I mean, that's at least $5,000. Hey, wait a minute.

What's more important: commercials or me?

( sighs )

Five thousand dollars would be

an awfully nice wedding present.

Hm?

( tender theme playing )

Anybody ever tell you you'd make a heck of an ambassadress?

( foghorn blows )

WOMAN: Bye-bye.

( all shout indistinctly )

( upbeat theme playing )

( phone ringing )

Yes?

Thank you.

Hello, Frank?

Listen, I think I got a goody for the magazine.

Not what, who.

John P. Whitcomb.

He's here and Robin's got him.

Yeah, he's alone, but he won't be for long.

( upbeat theme playing )

VIRGIL: Yeah, people would come from miles around

just to buy my peanuts at the ballpark.

BRICKER: Well, that's incredible.

You mean you actually saved enough money

to pay for this cruise by selling peanuts at a ballpark?

No way. You make peanuts selling peanuts.

( laughs )

I sold popcorn too.

( all laugh )

Of course, you had to have a little showmanship.

Now, like if you was to buy a bag of peanuts

and a bag of popcorn,

I'd throw in the hambone.

Oh, but who could eat that much?

Oh, honey, a hambone ain't something you eat.

Hambone is something you do.

Why don't you show her.

I never could resist a command performance.

So stand back and I'm gonna give it a whack.

♪ Hambone, hambone Where you been? ♪

♪ Been around the world I'm goin' again ♪

♪ Hambone, hambone What do you say? ♪

♪ Hambone, hambone Every day ♪

♪ Zabba-debba-doe So-dah-doo-bay ♪

( all laugh )

( all applaud )

Oh, no, no, that... That's all right,

but I detect a distinct Southeastern influence

in that particular rendition.

Now, back home in Oakland, we have our own refinements.

Young man, I hear more jawbone than I do hambone.

Is that so? Yeah.

Well, then, stand back.

( clears throat )

( tapping foot )

♪ Hambone, hambone Get on down ♪

♪ I do hambone To the disco sound ♪

♪ Boogie with the hambone Day and night ♪

♪ Hambone, hambone Out of sight ♪

Out of sight.

( Virgil laughs ) ( all cheer and applaud )

You realize, young man,

how many peanuts we could have sold together?

( laughs )

Congressman Whitcomb?

You must be mistaken. I couldn't be.

I'm one of your constituents.

Really? And you're still talking to me?

I believe a man's private life

is nobody's business but his own.

I wish the press felt the same way.

Well, they're out to sell newspapers.

What do they care about honesty?

Unfortunately, there's a lot of people

that believe what they read.

I don't. I voted for you once,

and I intend to vote for you again.

The way things are going, you might not get a chance.

I'm sure I will.

Well, a vote of confidence like that deserves a drink.

Would you care to join me, Miss, uh...?

Brant. Robin Brant.

Robin Brant. That's very nice.

How about the, uh, Starlight Bar?

Perfect.

Yes.

Uh, Mr. Linden... Ah, captain.

Have you been going over your script?

Well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

Uh, this is the first time I've done this, and, uh,

I don't usually tell jokes.

There's nothing to worry about.

You'll be wonderful.

Well... Trust me.

I've written for all the top comedians.

Bert Parks, Monty Hall.

All of 'em.

Got to get the girls ready.

( light-hearted theme playing )

Wow. Bert Parks.

( drumroll playing )

STUBING: "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

"This afternoon we begin our search for the young woman

"who will represent us during the year ahead.

"She will be judged for her beauty, poise and personality.

"And right now, if our judges are ready...

"And I see that they are.

"we will begin by showing you some of the cruisewear

"designed especially for our shops onboard

"by Carita of California,

"modeled by our five lovely ladies.

First: Miss Alma Hodges, 19."

( light applause )

( soft music playing )

( men whistling )

MEN: Whoa!

STUBING: "A sophomore at Oklahoma A&M,

"she is studying veterinary medicine.

You lucky dogs."

( laughter )

STUBING: "Now, next: Miss Teresa Chen, 21,

from San Francisco."

( applause )

( men hoot and whistle )

STUBING: "She's a student of Marine Biology,

"and I know a lot of Marines who'd like

to study her biology."

( laughter )

( chuckles )

"Miss Susie Corbett, 22."

( applause )

( whistles )

"Susie is a Music major,

as you can tell from her rhythm section."

( all laugh )

STUBING: "And now, Miss Rita Almirez, 20."

( applause )

( men hoot and whistle )

STUBING: "A History student from San Antonio, Texas.

"One look and you'll forget the Alamo and remember Rita."

( all laugh )

STUBING: "And finally,

Miss Jeanette Arno, 22."

( applause )

( man whistles )

STUBING: "Jeanette was the most popular

"girl at the University of Nebraska,

"which is a remarkable accomplishment

since she went to the University of Oklahoma."

How about a big hand for all of them.

( whistling and applause )

( whooping )

What did I tell you? You were terrific.

Oh, yes. I was good, wasn't I?

Now, don't forget, tonight is the modeling

of the evening gowns. Right.

Uh, get me the script an hour early.

I want to punch it up.

( clears throat )

Well, Alma's a shoo-in.

Come on. Jeanette's got "winner" written all over her.

And I hope it's in Braille.

( laughs )

I don't know. I'm betting on the sister. Heh, heh.

She's not even in the competition.

She may not be in your competition,

but she is definitely in mine.

Excuse me, Mr. Gibson,

but would you teach me how to do the hambone?

Why, sure, child.

You see, it goes like this:

♪ Hambone, hambone Ain't so tough ♪

♪ Hambone, hambone That's enough ♪

♪ Hambone, hambone Make up a rhyme ♪

♪ I can do that anytime ♪

Oh! ( giggles )

Honey, you are a natural.

Is there anything that I can get you?

Yes. Earmuffs.

Oh, we were just having a little fun.

I have nothing against anyone having fun.

I just don't think it's necessary for that man

to make such a fool of himself.

Ooh... But that's just Mr. Gibson.

I mean, he's a nice old dude.

Really? Mm-hm.

Then how long before he starts strumming on the old banjo?

Ah... ( laughing )

I can only stay a minute.

Ah, well, that's long enough for this.

( romantic theme playing )

I love you.

And I love you.

Hey, listen, how about tonight?

When your roommates are asleep, you come and stay here.

Oh, Rick... I know. I know the rules.

You're supposed to be brainy and talented and beautiful and sexy,

but most of all you're supposed to be moral, right?

Right.

Right.

It doesn't say somewhere in fine print

that it's okay to be human?

Nope. No.

Hm. But I am.

Um... Ha, ha, ha.

I'll see you tonight. That's my girl.

Mwah. Come on.

Hey, wait.

( dramatic theme playing )

Oh, I don't believe it.

Oh.

I'm... Ha. I'm sorry.

Uh...

Wow.

Look at all these books on black history.

What are you trying to do, rewrite Roots?

I'm working on my dissertation.

Dissertation?

Are you a teacher?

Well, you might say I'm a teaching fellow.

Ah, none of the fellas I knew ever looked like you.

( laughs )

That means I'm a teaching assistant.

Ah, a teacher.

Boy, if I had a teacher like you, I'd still be in school.

Oh, we never got to names.

I'm, uh, Isaac Washington.

Stephanie Hayden.

How do you do, Stephanie Hayden? Ha.

"Slave Families of Virginia."

Well, this looks interesting.

Well, if you think the cover's interesting,

you should read what's inside.

Does that mean you'd loan it to me?

Mm-hm.

And I suggest you start with Chapter 9.

Ah, okay, Teach.

Uh, when's the first test?

Oh, hey, Isaac, good.

Hey, how does that hambone go again?

You know, this is the way the old guy did it, but I want to...

Uh... Uh... Uh, Gopher, later. Okay? Later.

Mr. Washington, please, I never stand in the way

of higher learning.

Continue with your class in Advanced Hambone.

Thank you.

Gopher, Gopher, you are out of my will.

( upbeat theme playing )

Frank.

Frank, I haven't called you

because I haven't got anything to tell you.

Yes, I know who Nicki is. Whitcomb's girlfriend.

I don't care if she is gonna

spill her guts in somebody's column.

It's gonna take a little time to find out if Whitcomb's wife

is gonna divorce him,

or if he's gonna resign before Congress throws him out.

Just give me a little time, Frank.

An hour isn't exactly the kind of time I had in mind, Frank.

Frank?

( line disconnects )

( receiver clatters )

( light dinner music playing )

Dinner was terrific, wasn't it?

Yes.

It's funny too, because I came on this cruise

to get away from people, and now...

Oh, well, listen, everybody needs someone to talk to.

It's just that ever since my relationship with Nicki...

The dancer? ( sighs )

I'm sorry.

I haven't had a moment's peace since that story broke.

My entire life has been examined and re-examined, investigated,

probed.

No one's life can live up to that kind of scrutiny.

Well, we all make mistakes.

I never said I made a mistake.

Look, how would you feel

if right now on this ship

there was a reporter watching us

together holding hands...

Saw me kissing you?

Tomorrow the headlines would say,

"Congressman and His Conquest

Seen Living It Up On the Love Boat."

( drumroll )

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

This evening our beautiful models

will be showing you some of the eveningwear

designed especially for us by Carita of California.

( applause )

Thank you.

But, uh, before we begin:

a funny thing happened to me

on the way to the Acapulco Lounge tonight.

I saw a passenger standing on the deck going like this:

( snapping )

I said, "What are you doing that for?"

He said, "It keeps the elephants away."

I said, "Elephants?

We never had an elephant on this ship."

He said, "You see that? It works."

( all laugh )

( Stubing guffaws )

It's one of my favorites.

I got a million of 'em.

( Stubing laughs )

I've created a monster.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

comes the poise portion of the competition.

Whoever is selected to be our ambassadress

will be required to deal with the press

and the dignitaries of foreign countries.

Now, to see how she thinks on her feet,

we'll ask each young woman to answer

one completely impromptu question.

Jeanette.

Oh, yes.

In 15 seconds, please tell us

what is your goal in life?

Oh, well,

I would like to bring all the people in the whole world

together,

so that they can live together in harmony

and they can love together forever.

Do I have any time left?

Hm? Oh, uh, two seconds.

Together.

Thank you, thank you. ( all applaud )

( upbeat theme playing )

You know, I want to apologize.

All I've done since we met

is talk about me and about my troubles.

Listen, you need to get it out.

Sometimes it's easier to do with a perfect stranger.

Ah, you're not a stranger.

What you are is the first person I've met so far

that's interested in my side of the story.

You see,

my wife and I were planning to get divorced

before Nicki came along.

There were no ugly moments, no bad times.

It's just that my life was politics,

and she couldn't handle it.

The traveling, the campaigns.

We lived separate lives.

But we were, and still are, good friends.

When this thing with Nicki happened,

the press made it look like I was leaving my wife

for some chorus girl.

Then it was love?

It was love.

But it didn't work.

Big deal.

The worst part of it was, is I was working

on a piece of tax reform legislation at the time.

It was a bill that would have benefited

millions of Americans.

Now the whole thing is in doubt

because of this cloud hanging over my head.

I never heard anything about a tax reform bill.

No, and you won't.

People are more interested in sensation than legislation.

But you have to get your side of the story out.

No, no.

I just gotta get out before they throw me out.

Resign? But, John... It's a losing battle.

I'm tired of fighting.

Maybe it would be different if you weren't fighting all alone.

( upbeat theme playing )

Rick, do you think we should?

No, I don't think we should.

But I know we're gonna.

Well, what if somebody finds out?

Nobody's gonna find out.

Now, come on. Get in.

( dramatic theme playing )

( soft romantic theme playing )

Rick, you're gonna think I'm crazy,

but I can't go through with this.

You what? Um, I-I can't stay here tonight.

It would be dishonest.

But, Susie, I mean...

Look, please, try and understand, okay?

We'll see each other tomorrow.

But, I... Uh, Sus... Susie.

Susie. Rick, no.

Susie, wait... You see, I told you.

Um, Waldo, I can explain.

It doesn't mean... Miss Corbett,

I am sorry to say that you're guilty

of conduct unbecoming a possible ambassadress

for the Princess lines.

You are hereby disqualified from the competition.

( gasps )

Baby, I'm sorry.

Oh...

I told you.

Well...

good night.

Good night.

( tender theme playing )

Will I see you in the morning?

You bet.

( telephone rings )

Hello?

Ah, come on, Frank.

I thought you were gonna give me some time.

Yes, his wife is going to divorce him,

but they've been talking about divorce for a long time.

No, I don't know the details.

The chorus girl thing is over, but...

Frank, you're pressuring me.

Yes, I think he's going to resign,

but, now, don't print that.

Look, there's a lot more to this. I'll tell you what:

I will call you first thing in the morning

with a full story. All right?

Okay, I will talk to you then,

and don't print anything, Frank.

( line disconnects )

( dramatic theme playing )

( majestic theme playing )

( melancholy theme playing )

"And God stepped out on space,

"and He looked around "and He said...

"I'm lonely, and I'll make me a world."

James Weldon Johnson.

Our ancestors made the crossing

below the deck in shackles.

They never got to see any of this.

( sighs )

That's heavy.

But is that all you can think of right now?

What do you mean?

Well, I'm thinking about this night.

The moon, the stars, the sea and you.

( scoffs )

Isaac,

I'm trying to get you serious about our people,

not get you serious about me.

( romantic theme playing )

( laughs )

It always worked in grammar school.

Isaac.

( people singing "Camptown Races" )

( scatting )

( sighs )

Thanks for the apple.

ALL: ♪ Doo-da, doo-da ♪

♪ Camptown racetrack's Five miles long ♪

♪ Doo-da, doo-da-day ♪

♪ Gonna sing all night ♪

( all continue singing indistinctly )

( scoffs )

( melancholy theme playing )

( mellow upbeat theme playing )

Jeanette?

Jeanette, you called for me?

What's the emergency?

Oh, Waldo.

I can't get my zipper done up.

You called me for a zipper?

Mm-hm.

Why didn't you call one of the girls?

Well, you're in charge, aren't you?

Oh, please.

( sultry them playing )

I have a little itch right in the middle of my back.

Could you scratch it for me, please?

Scratch it?

Please.

Here?

Lower.

Lower?

Lower.

Jeanette, Jeanette, you're making me crazy.

Waldo, I'm surprised at you!

What kind of a girl do you think I am?

Why, you burst in here while I'm half-naked

and try to take advantage of me. Huh.

( majestic theme playing )

Stephanie, this book is incredible.

It... It makes me realize how little I know.

But now you know more than you did yesterday.

You see, we do have a past we can be proud of.

We have a rich and valuable culture.

It's up to us to let people know about our poets

and philosophers, our soldiers and scientists,

instead of perpetuating these stereotypes.

You mean Mr. Gibson? Exactly.

We have to let people know that we're not just entertainers.

We have more to do with our lives than dance.

Yeah, but Stephanie, Mr. Gibson, he's a nice old guy.

Isaac, he's the type of man who makes it harder for you and me.

People think all blacks are like that.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. Oh, my head.

Is there a doctor on this ship?

Oh, your eyes look real good.

You should see 'em from my side.

( chuckling ): Isaac, man, we had a ball last night.

Oh, Mr. Gibson knows

how to show us a good time.

Whoo! ( laughs )

Yeah. You should have been there, man.

I have more important things

to do with my life than dance.

Ooh.

( upbeat theme playing )

( sniffles )

Come on, baby, don't be depressed.

So you got disqualified.

Maybe it's the best thing that ever happened to us.

Hey, we don't have to pretend anymore.

Susie, I've got it. Mm-hm.

Look, we're in Ensenada. Yeah.

Let's get off the ship and get married.

Right now. What do you say?

Really?

And we'll have our honeymoon here on the ship.

Oh, honey.

Let's. Okay.

Oh.

That's better. Mm.

Are you decent?

So decent. We're gonna be married.

Oh, wonderful.

And do I have a great wedding present for you.

You're back into the competition.

What?! Yeah.

Oh, Jeanette, you're kidding me!

See, like, uh, Waldo and I

had kind of a heart-to-heart talk.

Yeah? And I convinced him

that your moral standards were just as high as his.

Oh, Rick, honey, can you believe that!

Mwah. I'm back in.

Oh, Jeanette. Oh! I can't believe it.

( both speaking indistinctly )

( mellow theme playing )

Thank you.

Certainly.

( soft piano music playing )

Stephanie...

( cork pops ) - -I want you to try this.

A peso for your thoughts?

There's something I wanna tell you,

and I don't know quite how to put it into words.

Oh. Two pesos?

I think you may have to throw in a piña colada.

Ha-ha. You got it.

I'm falling in love with you.

I feel the same way, Robin.

Boy, we've got great timing.

I mean, if you involve yourself with me now, you're...

You're putting yourself right in the firing line.

I don't care. I believe in you.

I wanna be with you.

Stateside papers, just flown in.

Uh, you have the Times?

Yeah.

John, I can help you in this fight.

I've got connections in the newspaper business.

Oh, why don't I just come right out and say it?

I'm a reporter.

You're a what?

Do you have a copy of Scuttlebutt?

Uh, yes, ma'am.

This is the paper I work for.

Oh, really?

Oh, my God. What?

What's the matter?

"Whitcomb Quits, Dancer Splits.

"Exclusive.

"John P. Whitcomb will end his political career

"by throwing in the towel,

according to a source aboard the Pacific Princess."

( sighs )

You'd think I'd learn.

John, wait.

Oh, Miss Brant, there's a long-distance phone call for you

from a Mr. Frank Davis

of Scuttlebutt newspaper in New York.

Tell him I just quit. Wh...?

Wait a minute. Why should you have all the fun?

I'll tell him myself.

( majestic theme playing )

( jazzy dance music playing )

You're just the two I'm looking for.

You see, I'm having a party down in my cabin a little later on,

and I'd like for you folks to be in on the festivities.

Thank you, but no thanks.

Yeah, you better count me out too.

Whatever you say, boss.

I'm not your boss.

I'm your boss, and I'd like to have a word with you.

Uh, captain, it's time to start the talent contest.

Uh, I'll speak to you after the show.

Now, here's your script.

I can ad lib better than that.

Isaac, what's the matter with you?

I thought you liked Mr. Gibson.

Why are you turning on him?

Let me put it this way.

I've seen about all the shuffling I can handle.

( drum roll )

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the talent contest

and the final judging.

This is part of the competition which allows our judges

to see a different facet of our young ladies.

The ability to be in the spotlight.

( drum roll )

STUBING: Which reminds me,

my mother-in-law was in a talent show once,

she was the only one in it.

She came in second.

( laughter )

Thank you. Thank you. And now, without further ado,

Miss Alma Hodges will sing for us

"The Bell Song" from Lakmé.

( applause )

( singing aria )

You know, she told me she never had a lesson in her life.

( drum roll )

( flamenco music playing )

( applause )

Where the beavers built their lodges.

Where the squirrels hid their acorns.

He talked with them wherever he met them.

And he called them

Hiawatha's brothers.

( applause )

( playing classical music )

( stops playing )

( applause )

Wow, she's terrific.

GIBSON: Yeah, she looks like a winner to me.

And the winner is... ( drum roll )

"Miss Susie Corbett."

( all squealing )

That's so great.

( applause )

Thank you. Thank you, everybody. Um...

I... I really can't believe I've won.

Um, a moment ago I thought representing the Princess lines

was the most important thing in the world,

but I've realized there's something

much more important to me,

and he's walking out of the room this minute.

I'm very grateful that you've chosen me,

but rather than being your ambassadress for a year,

I'd rather be Mrs. Rick Leonard for the rest of my life.

( applause )

Well, what can you say.

They do call this the Love Boat.

( laughs )

Thank you.

Our new ambassadress will be the first runner-up,

and she is... ( drum roll )

Miss Jeanette Arno. ( yelling )

( applause )

( majestic theme playing )

( melancholy theme playing )

Robin, I want to apologize.

You want to apologize?

But I'm the one who... No.

Julie told me that you quit your job because of me.

Oh, it wasn't just because of you.

It was because Frank Davis double-crossed me.

He wasn't supposed to print that pack of half-truths.

I wanted him to print your side of the story,

and I'm glad I quit. No.

I want you to get your job back.

What? That's right.

I'll need someone in the press to help me

when I go back to fight this thing.

When we go back to fight this thing.

Oh, John.

( majestic theme playing )

Oh, captain, I'm on my way to Mr. Gibson's party.

Are you coming now? Uh, in a minute.

You go ahead. Oh, all right.

Isaac.

I, uh... I've noticed that you're reading

a lot of black history lately.

Yes, I loaned him the books.

Oh. Well, then, I'm glad you're here.

You see, a little knowledge

is a dangerous thing.

You two have had your noses buried

so deeply in the history books,

that you missed seeing some living black history

in the person of a certain peanut vendor,

named Virgil Gibson.

Or perhaps you'd know him better

if I called him Scattergun Gibson.

You mean he's Scattergun Gibson?

That's right.

Who's Scattergun Gibson?

Only the greatest pitcher the Negro League ever had.

They used to say that he could pitch the ball so fast

that it crossed the plate before its shadow did.

I saw him pitch when I was a kid.

It was an exhibition game against the Brooklyn Dodgers.

( chuckles )

He mowed 'em down like they were Little Leaguers.

I'd never seen anything like it.

But, captain, if he's such a great black athlete,

why does he bother to tap dance for everybody?

STUBING: Because in his day

that's what you had to do to get along.

You not only had to be a great athlete,

but, well, you had to make people laugh

while you were beating them.

But that was then.

Today is different.

Young lady, you're darn right it's different.

It's because of men like him that there are blacks

playing in the major leagues today.

( poignant theme playing )

And tending bar on ships.

And teaching history in colleges.

( sighs )

Captain.

Where is that party?

Follow me.

( applause, laughter )

BRICKLER: Tell about the time you struck out Babe Ruth.

Oh, yeah. Uh, which time?

You mean you struck him out more than once?

Does a peanut come in a shell?

( laughs )

( knocking on door )

Come in.

Hi, captain. Scattergun.

Uh, hello there, youngsters.

Hi. Hi.

Now I recall the first time

the Babe and I ever faced one another.

It was in 1932.

An exhibition game at the Yankee Stadium.

We're leadin' the Yanks one to nothin'

goin' into the bottom of the ninth.

One out, and a man on first,

then the Babe steps up to the plate.

So I calls out to him.

I said, "Mr. Ruth,

"I want to take this opportunity to apologize

for what I'm about to do to you."

Oh, no. And he yells back:

"Just throw the ball, kid." And I did.

Three times.

Ha.

He never seen one of 'em.

( laughs )

Well, the Babe walks out to the mound,

still got his bat in his hand.

But you know what he said?

He said, "The way the world is,

"you ain't never gonna be in the majors,

"but I want you to know this:

you are the best there is."

Then he shook my hand and walked off the field.

Wow. That's great.

You beat the Yankees.

No.

Lou Gehrig come up next and hit a home run.

( all laughing )

Uh, Mr. Gibson?

We... We owe you an apology.

Oh, don't be shaken.

No offense made and none taken.

STEPHANIE: Mr. Gibson.

Scattergun.

We both behaved very rudely to you and we're sorry for it.

You know, I've been studying black history

for the last five years,

but there seems to be a big gap in my education.

What's that?

I never learned to do the hambone.

Would you teach me?

Would I teach you?

Okay.

♪ Hambone, hambone, Sing the song ♪

♪ Hambone, hambone, All night long ♪

♪ Come on, baby, It's your turn ♪

♪ Hambone, hambone You're gonna learn ♪

( all singing indistinctly )

( majestic theme playing )

Well, I guess I'll see you at the wedding, huh?

Yes. Oh, I'm so excited for you guys.

Hey, I'm really excited for you too. What are your plans?

Well, I guess I'll be pretty busy, you know,

traveling around and making commercials, and...

And then at the end of the year, I'm gonna marry Waldo.

( giggling )

You and Waldo?

( scoffs )

He doesn't know it yet,

but that man is one heck of a back-scratcher.

( laughing )

MAN: I think we ought to check the boiler while...

( all talking indistinctly )

Oh, goodbye, Miss Brant and Mr. Smith.

It's Whitcomb. Congressman Whitcomb.

I know.

Oh. Well, bye-bye now.

Thank you very much for everything.

Good luck. Thank you. Goodbye.

There she is. Jeanette, where have you been?

Oh. Mwah.

Oh, okay, everybody. Let's go.

Captain, thank you for being a wonderful emcee.

Well, it was fun,

but for me it was just a one-time thing.

Ah, you don't happen to know the name of a good agent, do you?

Don't call us, we'll call you.

Thank you. STUBING: Goodbye, girls.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Congratulations. Susie, have a wonderful wedding.

Thank you. Goodbye, Rick.

Goodbye, Susie. Bye-bye, Rick.

Mr. Gibson, can I offer you a ride home?

Dear one, just call me Scattergun,

because it's true, I'd go anyplace with you.

Scattergun, is it true you could throw a grape

through the hole of a doughnut at 60 feet?

Don't be ridiculous.

You see, that's one of those tall stories

that get taller every year.

It was a raisin.

( all laughing )

Stephanie, I hope I'm gonna see more of you.

I really dig you.

Isaac, not in front of all these people.

That's perfectly all right.

We're just one big happy family.

Yeah. Uh, Dad. Could I use the ship tonight?

( all laughing )

Captain won't lend you the ship tonight.

Captain won't lend you the ship tonight.

( majestic theme playing )