Original subtitles

( Jack Jones' "The Love Boat" playing )

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon will be making Another run ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪

( cheerful theme playing )

( indistinct chatter )

All right, every... All right, everybody.

Just one more shot and that's it, all right?

MAN: Yes, after all, this was supposed to be

just a quiet little vacation for two.

William and I were trying to slip away unnoticed.

( crowd gasps )

WOMAN: Miss Rogers, is it true

the Star of Kashmir cost $1.2 million?

Well, actually, originally it cost

a million and a half.

But you see, my sister works at Tiffany's,

so she got an employee's discount.

( all laugh )

Ah, thank you, my good man.

Here you are, my dear. Careful.

There we are. All right. Have you got everything?

Yeah. All right.

One final word.

Once we're on the ship,

we all act like ordinary passengers.

Oh,

I thought we were here to steal the diamond.

Ox, you promised not to think this month.

I am not sailing with that moron.

Elwood, you can't talk about Taffi like that.

Ox, will you put him down?

Hey, down is that way.

Cossack.

Three steps.

Now, this is our Purser's Lobby, Jenny.

It's big. Mm.

Where do the stairs lead to?

Promenade Deck.

How did you know that? ( laughs )

It sounds big,

and I can hear the people walking up and down the stairs.

That's amazing.

If you show me around the ship once, Gopher,

I won't have to bother you anymore.

Okay,

and then I'll let you show me around the ship.

I keep getting lost.

Come on, let's check with Julie

and see if she's got your table assignment for dinner.

JULIE: You're in Cabin 330 on the Fiesta Deck.

Thanks very much, and you know

I'll be getting off at Puerto Vallarta?

Right. Steve?

Steve, is that you?

Jenny?

Yes.

What are you doing here?

I'm going to Puerto Vallarta.

Steve, I can't believe you're here.

Steve and I went to the same school for the blind.

Oh? Uh, well...

Jenny, this is Julie McCoy, our cruise director.

This is Jenny Lang.

How do you do? Oh, hello.

It's nice to meet you.

I think that it's wonderful that you guys know each other.

Why don't I put you at the same table for dinner?

Steve, what table did I give you?

I think it was, uh, 14.

Well, I guess that's my lucky number.

I'll see you at dinner. I've got to change.

Would you like to have a cocktail before dinner?

( somber theme playing ) You're on. Heh.

GOPHER: Richard. Uh, this is Miss Lang.

Would you show her to her cabin, please?

It's Promenade 352.

Right. Thank you.

JENNY: Later.

( sighs )

It's actually the first time I've ever seen her.

I was born blind, and we met at the school.

She had her vision until she was 14,

then she lost it.

But now you can see.

Yeah. A couple years ago

I underwent a series of operations.

Well, that's fantastic.

I just couldn't blurt it out.

She hasn't been as fortunate.

Oh, hey, we understand that.

STEVE: I'm gonna tell her, later.

There are a lot of things I'm gonna tell her.

Like she's beautiful.

( cheerful theme playing )

Welcome aboard, I'm Captain Stubing.

Enjoy your cruise.

Hello, I'm Captain Stubing.

How do you do, sir? Vernon Kroller's my name.

And my staff.

( snaps ) Oh, how do you do?

I'm Taffi Martino.

Well, it's my pleasure. ( giggles )

Elwood Riggs.

How do you do?

I'm Ox.

Yes. Well, uh, welcome aboard.

I understand you'll be dining at my table tonight.

I look forward to it.

As do I, sir.

Well, until then, uh, enjoy your cruise.

I'm sure we will, captain.

Hi, welcome aboard. I hope you enjoy your cruise.

Thank you. We will, we will.

Allow me to take this. Allow me.

She's gonna allow... I can help better...

Gentlemen, perhaps I can resolve your difficulty.

Thank you.

Miss Martino, business before pleasure.

With you everything is heist, heist, heist.

I still can't get over it.

This cruise is such a surprise.

( chuckling ): Yeah, well,

us lawyers know how to keep a secret.

How I rather wish you hadn't kept quite such a secret.

But I had a heck of a time rearranging my schedule.

This is the busy season for us designers, you know.

Well, that... That's it.

Uh, we... We need to get away from business.

And, uh, what could be nicer?

Sun, Mexico, you and me.

Is it still just you and me, after all these years?

What a question.

You never answer that question, though.

You always say, "What a question."

Ah, look, why don't you...?

Why don't you go to the boat,

and, uh, go down to the cabin

and, uh, freshen up a little bit.

I have to take care of some business.

What business? You just said...

I just want to call the office

and, uh, tell them not to bother me with any business.

Alan, what's going on?

I know, "What a question."

Yes.

Oh, darling. I'm sorry I'm late.

Cathy, what are you doing here?

Didn't you get my telegram?

What telegram?

I wired you last night.

My wife found the tickets.

She thinks they're for her.

She's here.

So I get left high and dry again.

Darling, I'm really sorry.

I really am, but you can't come.

I'm coming.

Look, Alan, I'll buy my own ticket.

( chuckles )

No, you... You don't mean that.

I'm staying, Alan.

I think it's about time you decided.

Who's it going to be?

Barbara or me?

What a question.

( foghorn blowing )

That's a wrap. That's a wrap.

I'll see you when I get back.

Wait. When we get back, all right?

Thank you so much.

Thank you. WILLIAM: Bye-bye.

Bye.

Hi, Julie. What are you doing?

Ah, just getting some fresh air.

Think I'll join you. Me too.

They're not here yet.

Who? Who?

Them.

Hi!

I'm Julie McCroy...

McCruister, Coy Director.

Hello. How are you?

Please excuse Julie.

She's just never seen stars before.

I hope you enjoyed your cruise. Please sail with us again.

BRICKER: Uh, excuse me, I'm the ship's doctor.

Would you mind? It's for a patient.

Oh, what's the patient's name?

Adam Bricker.

There you go, Adam.

Thank you... ( laughs )

Come on, now. Come on.

I'm sure the Teagues want to go to their suite and relax.

I'm Captain Merrill Stubing.

Hello. How do you do?

May I show you the way? Sure.

I'm sorry about that.

Uh, my crew just seems to be a little starstruck.

Do you mind?

Thank you.

Right this way, please.

( foghorn blowing )

( upbeat theme playing )

( all cheering )

I can't believe it. Do you know who's on this ship?

Who, who? Roz and Bill.

Oh, wonderful.

I think, uh, you know, this time

our marriage is gonna work out.

We just have to be a little more careful,

you know, not to step on each other's sensitive egos.

That's right.

I'm a star and you have to live with that.

And you were a star and I have to live with that.

Were a star?

Well, you know what I mean.

Aw. Hm-hm.

Why don't we go back to the suite and, uh,

have a little nap?

I haven't slept with a star in a long time. Ha-ha.

I never have.

Except you.

Let's go.

( mellow theme playing )

KROLLER: Has Ox finished putting the bugs in Roz and Bill's cabin yet?

( mischievous theme playing )

( water splashes )

( flushing over radio )

You'll never believe where he put the last one.

He flushed it down the toilet.

Why couldn't we get someone with half a brain?

We did.

Oh, Alan, for heaven's sake, we're here for the sun.

I'm going to go back bronzed and beautiful,

and you're going to go back looking like a dead fish.

Or a dead duck.

Uh, I gotta go call the office.

Now, listen, sit down and relax and forget about business.

Nobody's indispensable.

Remember, we can all be replaced.

Alan.

And you must be Barbara Danver.

No, you... You must have us confused

with some other Alan and Barbara Danver.

I mean, I don't remember ever... But, Alan,

you made me the happiest woman in the world.

Barbara, I swear to you,

I have no idea what she's talking about.

I'm talking about my divorce.

Alan handled my case.

Well, I've got so many clients, I...

Oh, you must excuse my husband.

He's overworked and overtired.

Been burning the candle at both ends.

That's old Alan.

I'm Cathy Randall. Oh, hello.

You're not... You're not the Cathy Randall

who designs separates for Coquette Casuals, are you?

Yes. Are you in fashion?

Yes, I design fabrics for Wildweave.

Wildweave?

This is spooky. Did you see what I did with your mad plaids?

Did I? I flipped over them.

Well, why don't you sit down, join us for a drink?

Well...

Come on, it'd be nice to have somebody to talk to

who's in the business.

Alan here thinks chenille is married to the captain.

( both laugh )

I heard they broke up.

( mischievous theme playing )

Boy, if that's a movie they're rehearsing,

it's going to be X-rated.

The bugs are working, huh?

Right. Ah, all right.

Now all we have to do is keep tabs on them.

And at the right moment,

it's into the vault and we make the switch.

Boy, that looks like the real thing.

Good goin', boss.

You already got it.

( tranquil theme playing )

Are you having fun?

Fun? It's... It's fabulous.

It's a sunset, isn't it? I can feel it.

Yeah.

Oh, Steve, you've never seen a sunset.

Put your hand on the railing...

and let me tell you about some of the sunsets

I remember seeing, all right?

Okay.

Now, look out there.

I don't know if I can do a really beautiful sunset justice.

If you've never been able to see

and you thought you'd seen every lovely, exquisite

and magnificent color in the world...

It's as if God then said to you,

"You think that's something? Take a look at this."

Can you see it?

Yes, I see it.

Do you really?

Yes, Jenny.

I see the sunset.

I see two sunsets.

I see the sunset that's...

actually out there now,

and... I see an even more dazzling sunset

that you've just helped me see.

I don't understand, Steve.

Jenny,

I had an operation after I left school.

I have my sight.

Steve, that's fantastic.

I'm so happy for you.

But why didn't I tell you before?

I don't know, it's just that...

Steve, you of all people...

You're not feeling sorry for me, are you?

Are you kidding?

Because I don't feel sorry for myself.

I'm... I'm just glad to be here.

To be part of a world where there really are miracles

like that sunset...

and your being able to see it.

( cheerful theme playing )

Isn't she beautiful?

Oh, yes.

Well, hey, what's holding you up?

Why don't you go over and sit with her?

Oh, come on, Julie. You saw what happened today.

Doc's got eyes for her. I can't compete with that.

Gopher,

Doc doesn't have a patent on charm.

You're pretty terrific yourself, you know.

Really?

Mm-hm.

I mean, look at that face.

With that cute smile,

and those warm brown eyes,

and that hair that any girl

would love to run her fingers through.

So, Gopher, you're one of the most charming officers

on board this ship.

Well, gee, if you put it that way...

No. Come on.

Give it your best shot.

Go ahead.

Good evening.

Hi. Hi.

How would you like to have dinner

with one of the most charming officers on the ship?

Sure.

Thanks for the introduction, go comb your hair.

I'm sure you'll enjoy Puerto Vallarta, Mr. Kroller.

I find it fascinating.

I look forward to it.

JULIE: Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Teague, hello.

WILLIAM: Hello. ROZ: Julie.

Oh, I'm so glad this is one of your casual nights.

I just didn't feel like dressing up this evening.

Where's our table, dear?

Oh, just an intimate table for two

where Bill and I can hold hands

and whisper sweet nothings.

WILLIAM: Ah, yes.

JULIE: Like you did in The Vain and the Vengeful

right before you shot him.

Oh, I'm not packing a gun tonight. Heh.

Oh, right, um...

Right, excuse me, uh, your table's right over here.

All right.

STEVE: The, uh, bread's at 4:00.

The wine's at 5:00.

The salt and pepper, 7:30, about.

You're showing me the ropes again, Steve.

Just like when we first met when I was a scared little kid.

You're not a kid anymore.

No.

You know, you were pretty rough on me in school.

Letting me walk into walls and everything.

But I want to thank you for it.

I don't do it any more.

I've noticed.

You know, my brother's probably sitting at home

right this very minute,

worried that I've strolled off the stern.

There's a rose on the table, isn't there?

Uh-huh.

Rose is my favorite flower.

Oh... Heh. Thank you.

You know, I've... I've missed you.

Have you?

Of course.

How could a girl forget the first boy

that let her walk into a wall?

It's, uh, much more memorable

than, uh, her first kiss though.

I guess I'm too late for the first kiss, huh?

I'm afraid so.

A boy named Bobby Hoffmeier beat you to it.

Oh.

Is Bobby a good kisser?

Well, let me put it to you this way:

he'll never earn a living at it.

( laughs )

I just don't see why you had to invite her to dinner.

Because I like her.

We have a lot in common.

Hello, Barbara. Hi.

Alan. Oh.

Sit down.

Thank you.

You know, it's probably none of my business,

but, uh, why is a great-looking girl like you

on this cruise alone?

Well, the truth of the matter is,

I was going to have company, but his wife found the tickets.

( coughs )

Excuse me.

A little cork in the ripple.

Oh, so he's stuck at home with her

and you're here having the time of your life.

Something like that.

( chuckles )

You know, we've been on this ship for five hours

and we haven't had a fight.

And they said it wouldn't last.

You know what I'd like to do after dinner?

Ah, what?

I'd like to go back to our cabin and...

Yes.

Take a good look at the new script.

But... Oh, honey, heh, not tonight.

Sweetness, you have to read it soon.

We start shooting in a month.

I know, I... I know, but tonight, honey,

let it just be us.

Yes, you're right.

You're right.

You know, I'm glad to be here.

I really am.

You know, away from Hollywood,

that world of make-believe we live in.

It's great to... To be just plain folks

for a few days.

Yes.

It's really wonderful.

Oh, honey, by the way, where's the wine steward?

The wine...?

Oh, he's over there behind those extras there.

Those are people, Bill. Heh-heh.

Hm? People.

Oh, yes.

To the start of a beautiful relationship.

( giggles )

You're gonna break your arms.

Miss Martino,

might I have a moment of your time?

Sure.

Just a moment.

Excuse us.

Excuse me.

Hm? Ditch the doctor.

But... The captain told me

the assistant purser is in charge of the vault.

Oh, the cute one with the messy hair?

Got ya.

Ah. Tootles, Doc. Thanks for a lovely evening.

Hi, mind if I join you?

Not at all, I was just leaving.

Excuse me.

Comb your hair.

No, don't change your hair for me.

Not if you care for me.

( whimpers )

( mellow theme playing )

Listen, Baker, you gotta do me this one favor. Please?

See, I really dig this blond,

and she goes for me too, you know?

So all I'm asking you to do is just take my shift for tonight.

Okay? ( line clicks )

Is that a yes or a no?

Oh, Miss Rogers, Mr. Teague, good evening.

Good evening. Enjoy your dinner?

Oh, it was divine.

Now all I want is bed.

Ah, yes. Nothing like a good night's sleep.

Oh, that too.

Allow me, darling. Mm.

Will you please put this in the vault?

Yes, sir.

( whistles )

Will you come this way, please?

Oh.

They're putting it in the vault now.

They're putting it in the vault.

Excellent, excellent.

( snaps )

( snaps )

It's not exactly Fort Knox,

but not exactly your average piggy bank, either.

Uh-huh.

Well, I'm sure it'll be safe,

but if not, back to Tiffany's.

( all chuckle )

( grunts )

There we go.

( martial theme playing )

There you are, sir.

Right in your box. Promenade Suite 242.

Safe and sound for the night.

Well, I hope so, because if it gets lost,

it's gonna come out of your salary.

Then you better hope I live to be 194.

( all chuckle )

( sighs )

Good night.

Good night. ROZ: Ciao.

( suspenseful theme playing )

It's in the safe.

Give me ten minutes to take care of the purser.

All set.

All right, gentlemen, let's go.

Hey!

Is the cruise over already?

Kinda warm for this time of the year, isn't it?

Hey. All set? Ah, right.

Now, you...? You remember what you're supposed to do?

You stay out here and don't let anybody in.

You can count on me, boss.

( mysterious theme playing )

Boy, it's hot in here.

Yeah.

I'll see if I can turn this off.

( sighs )

( groans )

It's stuck.

( mutters )

Ox!

KROLLER: Ox!

( sighs )

Whew.

Boy, it's hot in here.

Turn that thing off.

( creaks )

It's off.

Give me that.

I'll wait outside.

( sighs )

There you are, cutie-pie.

What you doin' behind this big, silly desk?

Oh, I-I, um... I have to work.

Look at that face, that tension,

and those shoulders.

Hey, you know what you need?

A good massage.

Come on, let Taffi take care of you.

( giggles )

Now, why don't you park your old bod right here

and let me work on it.

( chuckles )

Roll over on your tummy. Oh.

( sighs )

There. Good.

( static hissing, beeping )

Oh. Just relax.

Oh, yes.

Right. ( sighs )

You're gonna feel like a new man once I... get started.

Oh, I'm sure I will.

Go.

( whirring )

( drill whirring faintly )

( moans )

When you've had enough, just say stop.

Stop, stop.

What for?

She said stop.

( moans )

I mean, I guess you want me to...

keep going.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Go.

( whirring )

( both sigh )

Uh... ( both sigh )

Gopher? Yeah?

( sighs )

Do you like to dance?

( moans )

Wait, you mean with you?

Yes. Oh, dancing is my life.

Great.

BOTH: ♪ Da rum dum da da ♪

♪ Da da da da da ♪

♪ Rum dum da da ♪

( whirring )

( drill whirring faintly )

How's it coming?

Just a little more.

But the drill is overheating.

Don't stop.

( whirring )

( drill whirring erratically )

What happened?

The drill burnt out.

( sighs )

But we got it.

Clean as a whistle.

Okay.

Now to get the diamond and make the switch.

( romantic theme playing )

I wouldn't trade this night for a million dollars.

A million-point-two. Heh.

( grunts )

( suspenseful theme playing )

( beeps )

( device beeps )

( beeps )

( device beeps )

( device beeps )

( device beeps )

I gotta stop, boss.

Elwood, what's wrong?

I can't take this heat.

( device beeping )

Help me, boss. All right.

Grab that.

( mysterious theme playing )

( device beeps )

( whirring, clicking)

( device beeps )

( beeps )

( suspenseful theme playing )

Got it.

Wonderful.

Wonderful, Elwood.

No more worries.

From now on, we're lying on the beach,

basking in the sun.

Don't count on me. I'm goin' to Iceland.

Oh, come on, you sweet thing you.

Come to Daddy.

( tense theme playing )

Attababy. Come on.

Oh, boss.

The hole's not big enough and...

And the diamond is too large.

We'll have to drill another hole.

With what?

With one of the other ones.

You had four special drills made, didn't you?

That's right.

They're in Ox's bag.

Well, then, get them from Ox's bag.

Okay, but if I'm not back in a hurry, it's...

It's not my fault.

Hm?

Ox left his bag in Los Angeles.

Of course he did.

( playful theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

Good morning.

Oh, hi.

Well, we were just gonna go play Ping-Pong.

We'll see you tomorrow. Alan!

Oh, I wanted to show you the sketches for my fall line.

Oh, I'd love to see them.

Sure you don't wanna go play Ping-Pong?

Well, not now, Alan. No.

Oh.

Well, I guess I'll just go play Ping.

Just one picture.

To prove to my brother I didn't fall overboard.

Ha. Okay.

There you go.

Smile.

( camera clicks )

That's it.

Thanks.

How about one of me?

Well, how the heck am I gonna do that?

Come over here.

That's it, turn around.

Uh, here, take the camera.

Hold it up like this,

and, uh, here, I'll do this.

And aim a little to the right.

And, uh, press this button to take the picture.

Are we taking pictures or fooling around here?

I didn't know I had a choice.

( chuckles )

Just wanna make sure you got one of me smiling.

Okay.

Is...? Is that all right? Yeah.

( camera clicks ) Ha.

( both chuckle )

Hey, Jenny.

Oh, hi, Doc.

Uh, Jenny Lang, Captain Stubing.

Hey. Steve Hollis.

Hello. How do you do?

Hi, Steve. Adam Bricker. Hi, how are you?

It's, uh, very nice to meet you.

Oh, you're very tall, about 6'1", um,

blue eyes, your sideburns are graying...

( chuckles )

JENNY: and, uh...

about 240.

STUBING: It's remarkable.

You can tell all that just by touching my face?

No, uh, Doc described you to me yesterday.

( chuckles )

( playful theme playing )

Two-forty?

Two-ten?

That's close enough.

( mysterious theme playing )

KROLLER: Hand me that padding, Taffi.

Are you decent?

Ah, he hasn't been decent in years.

What's he doin' in there?

Well, Plan A didn't work, so he's working on Plan B.

KROLLER: Patience my friend.

Momentarily you will see

the results of my remarkable genius.

Genius? Heh.

So how come we don't have the diamond?

Ah, relax, Elwood. You'll live longer.

Is that all you'll ever do? Fix your face?

I think she's beautiful.

Thanks, Ox.

You're welcome. Hm.

KROLLER: Ladies and gentlemen, introducing Plan B.

( dramatic theme playing )

It's incredible. ( gasps )

You really are a genius.

Hi, Captain Stubing.

Did you see Mr. Kroller in the bathroom?

This is Kroller, you ox.

It's fantastic. Hee.

It's perfect.

Of course. I made it.

( chuckles )

Now, I'll go down and get them to open the vault.

You think the purser'll do it for you, huh?

Of course. I'm the captain.

Heh. Oh, wow.

KROLLER: Taffi, you've got to keep Captain Stubing busy.

If he's the captain, where's Kroller?

( playful theme playing )

( light jazz theme playing )

Hi, honey.

Oh, hi, Alan.

You haven't seen Cathy, have you?

Me? Why should I have seen Cathy?

Well, we were supposed to meet.

Oh.

You know, you spend an awful lot of time together.

What do you find to talk about?

Heh-heh. Well, we're two women in the same business.

Heh. What would you expect us to talk about?

Men. Heh-heh.

Well, I think I better go and find her.

Uh, do you...? Do you mind if I, uh, tag along?

Maybe the three of us could find something to do together.

Well, okay, but we're going to the beauty shop

for a wash and set.

Oh.

Well, I guess I'll just stand up here

and watch my hair curl.

How about another lap?

Oh, not me. I've had it.

You always were a better swimmer than me.

What did you say?

I said you were always were... ( yelps )

( giggles )

You rat!

You heard what I said.

You just wanted to keep me talking,

so you could zero in on me.

( grunts )

Aha.

Oh.

Oh, there you go.

Oh, thanks. I'm having fun.

I'm not exactly in pain, either.

I've got some, uh, suntan lotion.

You wanna put some on my back?

Sure.

Are you worried about burning?

No, I... I don't burn.

Oh, just wanna deepen your tan.

Oh, I couldn't care less about a tan.

Oh.

Oh, then, uh, what am I doing this for?

Ah, that's why.

( chuckles )

Gopher, where were you last night?

We missed your money at the poker game.

Oh, Taffi and I were just tripping the light fantastic.

I've seen you dance. Tripping is the right word.

Hey, don't be a sore loser, Doc.

Taffi just happens to dig my animal magnetism.

( growls )

Probably just wanted some comedy relief.

( Isaac & Bricker chuckle )

Unfortunately, I don't have enough time

to show you the ship, Miss Martino.

Just call me Taffi, Merrill.

( chuckles )

Well, I gotta go back to work.

You two keep fighting it out for second and third.

( chuckles )

WILLIAM: I just know you're gonna love this script.

It has everything.

It has warmth, heart,

sensitivity, comedy, drama.

Well, does it have something in it for you?

Well, is it good?

Now, listen, they're guaranteeing us

$1 million apiece.

Each of us.

I mean, how much gooder can it get?

( suspenseful theme playing )

All right, here we go.

All right, boss. Good luck.

( hoarsely ): Thanks.

Hi, captain.

Mr. Smith.

Captain.

Boy, that was a short tour.

Uh, yes. All she did was talk about you.

Oh, really?

What's the matter with your voice?

Laryngitis. Just got it.

Oh.

Well, it's kinda nice, sir.

Makes you sound like Robert Redford.

With laryngitis.

Oh, look, uh, a passenger asked me

to put this in the vault for her.

Will you open it for me, please?

Before I open the vault, can you prove you're Captain Stubing?

( sighs )

Open the vault or you're fired!

That's good enough for me.

( clears throat )

Good morning, Miss McCoy.

JULIE: Good morning, sir.

Gopher?

Gopher?

Weren't you just behind me?

What do you mean, just behind you?

I finally got rid of Miss Martino.

I told her I was going up to the bridge.

Lord, how I hate those guided tours.

Hey, your voice is better.

Better than what?

Well, I mean, your laryngitis. It's gone.

I never had laryngitis.

Not even as a kid?

Mr. Smith, what is going on?

Well, sir, excuse me, I'm a little confused.

Didn't you just ask me to open the vault

so you could put a jewelry box in it?

No.

Vault?

( sighs )

Now, sir, you asked me to come in here...

STUBING: Yes. GOPHER: and open the vault.

GOPHER ( hoarsely ): You were talking like this.

STUBING ( softly ): Like that?

GOPHER ( hoarsely ): No, like this.

There can be only one explanation.

Gopher, you're working too hard.

No, there's gotta be another explanation.

( sighs )

( suspenseful theme playing )

JULIE: Captain Stubing,

I've been looking for you all day.

Not now. Well, sir, what's...?

Dismissed!

Yes, sir.

Hi, captain.

Isaac, uh, have you seen me

around here recently?

Uh, not until now.

Yes, well, if you do see me, let me know immediately.

Sure. You'll be the first to know...

All right. - -sir.

JULIE: Isaac.

Isaac, have you seen Captain Stubing today?

Yeah, and he's acting kinda strange.

Oh, I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks so.

( suspenseful theme playing )

( sighs )

Captain Stubing. Yeah.

Well... Ah, well, it's a...

It's a beautiful day, isn't it? Yeah, uh, beautiful.

I say, captain... Hm?

Better be careful.

It sounds like you're coming down with laryngitis.

( sighs )

( sighs )

( mellow theme playing )

Good morning.

Hi.

Hello, Jenny, it's Julie.

Where's Steve?

He went to get some postcards. Ah.

Julie, do you have a minute? I could use some girl talk.

Well, sure. Of course. Fire away.

Does Steve look as nice as he is?

Oh.

Well, that depends on your taste.

He's okay if you like guys about 6 feet tall,

dark hair, incredible hazel eyes

and the perfect smile.

A real uggo, huh?

Yeah, but, you know, it's your problem.

You picked him, not me.

( chuckles )

And you make sure you don't. He's my uggo.

I promise. I promise. See you later. Bye-bye.

Okay. Bye-bye.

So, what do you think?

It's... so sad, so tragic.

Yeah?

To think they killed a tree for this.

See, I'm the first one to admit it needs work.

It needs a burial.

Oh, William, do we have to do this picture?

Isn't it enough that we're back together again?

Listen, love, we owe it to our art.

We owe it to our public.

We owe it to our industry.

And trust me, we owe it to our jeweler.

Well, heh, if I'm to do it,

we'll just have to rewrite the opening scene.

No! It's very powerful.

Now, just visualize it, huh?

We open with a big close-up of you as an old hag.

Then we cut to me,

a young, handsome, cavalry officer

riding a white stallion.

I fight a few battles, have a few love affairs,

a couple of soliloquies, and then back to you.

Big close-up of your hand, your fingers tapping,

tapping nervously as you think about me.

Then a tight angle of your ear

as you listen to me galloping,

galloping away into the sunset, huh?

And then a close-up of my foot as I kick you in the rear.

Please, dear, don't be of a closed mind.

Oh, Bill. Ha-ha-ha.

Look, why...? Why don't we just...?

Let's leave it to the director, okay?

That's good thinking.

Who is the director?

Well, funny you should ask.

Not you? And why not?

I think I have a pretty good idea

where to put a camera.

I have one suggestion.

Honey, honey.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Why do you always have to let your ego

get in the way?

My ego?

You have the biggest part,

you are the director

and you hired the writer.

I did not.

Oh.

I wrote it.

I should have known.

You spelled my name wrong.

You, a young cavalry officer?

Who's gonna play your kid brother, Buddy Ebsen?

I happen to have the body of a 20-year-old.

We'll get to her later.

Now that's beneath you.

Now that's really beneath you.

Besides, that's an old joke.

Takes one to know one.

I see.

That's the thanks I get

for trying to revive your sagging career.

That does it.

Listen, sweetheart...

I think we're fighting.

( laughs sarcastically )

You call this fighting, honey?

Oh, this isn't fighting, snookums.

This is fighting.

( whistling )

( upbeat theme playing )

STUBING: I tell you, it's frightening

to look up and see your own face like that.

Of course, it's more frightening for some of us than others, sir.

Now, why would someone pretend they're me?

Maybe they wanted to yell at me.

JULIE: Well, sir, we are having

a masquerade party tomorrow night.

My guess is somebody's trying out their costume.

Yeah, some people don't care how crazy they look in those things.

STUBING: No, no.

It's more than that.

GOPHER: You know something, sir?

I knew something was fishy when you came down to the vault

and had laryngitis and then a second later you didn't.

The vault.

That's it.

Someone is trying to steal the Star of Kashmir.

Hey, I never thought of that.

That's why I'm the captain.

Now, I want security tightened around that vault.

Nobody gets in without a darn good reason.

Right.

I want a guard placed on Miss Rogers' door.

Right.

I want all of you to keep your ears open

in case we can get a line on that thief.

Right.

And whenever Miss Rogers wears that necklace,

I want somebody on top of her. Right.

STUBING: Just don't let the passengers know what's happening.

I don't want to tip the thief that we're on to him.

ALL: Right.

( mischievous theme playing )

Well, Mr. Smith.

Oh, hi, Mr. Kroller.

Hi, Taffi. Hi there.

You seem to have a purposefulness of stride.

A certain gleam in your eye.

Look as if you're about to do battle.

Well, frankly, sir, I am.

( clears throat )

Between you and me,

we believe there's a thief onboard

after Miss Rogers' diamond.

No... Really?

GOPHER: But d-don't worry, sir.

Uh, he won't get past our defenses.

Bye.

Tootles.

OX: Boss.

Ain't that a coincidence?

There's another man aboard this ship trying to heist that rock.

No, it looks as if they're gonna make our endeavors

slightly more complicated.

I think we shall move on to Plan C.

Which one is that?

It's the one right after B.

OX: Right.

Thanks, Taffi.

Think nothing of it.

( mellow theme playing )

( band playing light jazz )

I forgot you were such a good dancer.

All depends on who I'm dancing with.

Steve? Mm?

I'm sorry you're getting off at Puerto Vallarta.

Me too.

I'm sorry you reminded me.

Will you call me when you get back to L.A.?

Well, that all depends...

Is your, uh, brother bigger than me?

( laughs )

Yes, he is.

Well, uh...

I'll have to think about it.

( chuckles )

You know, they're showing a movie in ten minutes.

Should we go?

What's the film?

An Affair to Remember.

( coughs )

Are you all right, Alan?

Uh, I just swallowed the olive.

Sorry.

I think I'll pass on the movie.

Well, come on, Cathy.

No, thanks, I've seen it.

Well, I guess you two are just gonna be stuck with each other.

See you later.

Ah. Very smooth.

You'll give away your whole show.

Me? How about you parking yourself under her nose

for 24 hours a day.

Alan, I know it seems strange,

but when I came on this ship

I thought of Barbara as the enemy.

Now that I know her, I really like her for a friend.

Yeah, well, she's a great girl.

I don't understand.

If you feel that way about her, why did you start up with me?

Mm. Well, you're a great girl too.

I see.

The more the merrier.

No, no.

There just...

Something's been missing with Barbara and me.

Been missing for a long time.

Sex rears its ugly head.

No, I mean...

I mean... I mean, just sitting around and talking.

Hanging out together.

I've been married to Barbara for seven years

and I don't know who she is.

Do you have any idea who I am?

You are a sweet, warm, wonderful person

who listens, and gives, and cares.

No... I'm your ex-mistress.

( somber theme playing )

It's lovely, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Who wants you to?

I have a cabin full of nothing but privacy.

Jenny, I... I... Oh, Steve. Heh.

Would it help if I say it doesn't have to be forever?

I know you.

You have your sight now and...

why should you be saddled with a blind...

Come on. That... That's a terrible thing to say.

It's true, isn't it?

No.

Jenny...

I love you.

Now there's a coincidence.

But...

But?

It has to do with Puerto Vallarta, doesn't it?

You're seeing a girl there.

I'm engaged to her.

But that was before this happened.

Steve... this never happened.

Jenny... Jenny!

Let me walk into my own walls.

( dramatic theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

( horn tooting )

STUBING ( over PA ): Guided tours of Puerto Vallarta

will be leaving off the portside in ten minutes.

ISAAC: Here you go, gentlemen. Two more eye-opener specials.

Oops, almost forgot.

Mm.

I always wondered why they put celery in Bloody Mary's.

Yeah, why do they?

Because lettuce would wilt.

Hey...

Well, I guess I better go open up some more eyes.

Just don't let anybody open those curtains.

My eyes will fall out.

You know, for a big star you're not a bad guy.

Yeah, you go downstairs and tell my wife that.

Got wife problems of my own.

Oh?

That, uh, brunette I saw you with last night?

No.

She's my mistress.

The blond is my wife.

Ha-ha. And they're both onboard?

( chuckling ): They're both...

And they say Hollywood people are wild, huh?

Not my idea.

I'm just a simple guy trying to make both ends not meet.

Look, I, uh...

I don't want to give you any advice, but, uh...

Well, I've... I've had my share of women, and...

From what I've read, you've had everybody's share.

Maybe so.

But you know,

at this stage of my life, I've learned something.

If you're lucky enough to find someone who loves you,

you know, to stick by you for more than...

a night here, a weekend there,

try your best to work it out.

That's pretty good advice.

Yes, it is.

And I'm gonna follow it.

See you around, huh?

( mellow theme playing )

Hello, Jenny, it's Julie.

Steve was looking for you.

I know, uh...

I'm trying to stay away from him.

Well, he wanted to say goodbye.

We said our goodbyes last night.

I'm sorry.

I'm not.

It was great while it lasted.

Uh, he asked me to give this to you.

Are you gonna be okay?

I'm gonna go now.

Bye-bye.

( somber theme playing )

Roz, darling?

Where are you, sweetheart?

ROZ: Taking a bath, if you don't mind.

I brought you a peace offering.

Is it your head on a plate?

( chuckles )

A rose.

A flower of faultless beauty, second only to your own.

It symbolizes my undying devotion for you.

The Sick and the Sordid, Scene 23.

( laughs )

But the thought is lovely.

Mind if I join you?

Only if you bring your rubber ducky.

( upbeat theme playing )

STUBING ( over PA ): We hope you enjoyed your stay in Puerto Vallarta.

We'll be arriving in Cabo San Lucas

at 0800 tomorrow morning.

( mischievous theme playing )

Okay.

They're in the bathtub together.

Now's our chance.

Well, I don't know.

Think we have enough time?

How long does it take to have a bath?

Believe me, boss,

they don't care how long it takes.

( knocking on door )

Come in.

Jenny.

Why did you come back?

I broke my engagement to that girl.

You made a mistake.

The only mistake I made

was getting engaged to her in the first place.

You're crazy.

You could have a normal, happy marriage with that girl.

What makes you think that marrying a girl who can see

guarantees a happy marriage?

How come millions of couples with 20/20 vision get divorces?

( sighs )

Besides... I love you.

I don't love you.

( sighs )

I like you very much.

But I don't love you.

If I believed that, do you think I would have come back here?

I know you love me.

It... It couldn't work, Steve.

Now goodbye.

Jenny... Goodbye, Steve.

( crying )

I knew you loved me.

That's a cheap trick.

Marry me.

No.

You just think I need you more than that other girl needs you.

You want to take care of me.

You want to make me stop walking into walls.

Is that what you really think?

Yes.

Then to hell with you.

What do I have to do to prove that I love you?

Go blind again?!

( dramatic theme playing )

( upbeat theme playing )

All quiet with the Teagues, Doc?

Yeah, to think I spent eight years in college

and medical school and I can be replaced by a German shepherd.

Well, there'll be an extra milk-bone in your pay envelope.

( laughs ) Oh.

Now, we all appreciate it.

Just don't lower your guard for any reason.

Yes, sir.

Hi, Doc.

Well, hello there.

Not for any reason, Dr. Bricker.

Right, right.

So, whatcha doing?

Oh, just, uh, hanging out.

Yeah?

How'd you like to hang out in the moonlight?

But it's the middle of the morning.

Why wait till the last minute?

Hm... Hey, did I ever tell you

you're the most attractive man on this entire ship?

Ah, you have excellent taste.

Mm-hm.

You know...

my cabin is just down on the next deck.

Come on. I'll race ya.

Well, I'd love to, but...

I'll take care of that for you, ma'am.

Gopher. Take over for me, will you?

Sure.

No, no, that's not what I meant.

Uh, watch the door.

Why?

I'll just watch the door.

Which way did you say your cabin was?

( giggles )

( romantic theme playing )

Hey.

Did I ever tell you,

I think you're the most attractive man

on this entire ship?

( chuckles )

( Roz and William laughing )

WILLIAM: Don't do that to me.

ROZ: Oh... Heh-heh.

( suspenseful theme playing )

( clattering )

( Roz laughing )

WILLIAM: Now it's your turn.

What was that?

My heart.

KROLLER: Ox, don't forget to leave the fake diamond.

( Roz and William laughing )

WILLIAM: It's your turn to look for the soap.

ROZ: Oh... Heh-heh.

Everything all right?

I can't hear you.

Is everything all right?

They're still playing Mr. and Mrs. Clean.

Ox, what were you doing down there?

It sounded like you were wrecking the place.

He dropped me on my head twice.

Well, it could only help.

Sure couldn't hurt you.

Listen, don't start. All right, all right.

Give us the necklace.

Sure, boss.

( whimsical theme playing )

You left the copy, didn't you?

Oh, sure.

I didn't give it to you already, did I?

No.

Now you take your time, Ox, take your time.

( chuckling )

Isn't it magnificent?

Oh, I gotta hand it to you, Vernon.

You really pulled it off this time.

And nobody's the wiser.

( laughing )

Who are you? What do you want?

I'm sorry.

I must have the wrong room.

It's all right, honey.

It's a mistake anybody could make.

I count off the paces.

I sometimes goof though.

Can't balance my checkbook either.

Heh. Well, uh... I'm looking for 352.

Oh, yeah, that's right down the...

Uh, the... Oh, gee, it's next door.

Can I give you a hand?

No, I... I'm fine.

I'm sorry again.

All right. Tootles.

This time lock the door.

Right.

( chuckles )

Look how it shines, look how it sparkles.

Here in my hand, friends, a bauble.

That will make four people's lives secure.

A ruby has fire, an emerald has depth,

but a diamond... outshines them all.

Pure, brilliant, hard.

Hard enough to cut glass.

Watch as I put my signature to the end of a perfect crime.

You fool!

You left the real diamond and brought back the fake!

Maybe you used the wrong mirror.

Oh, Ox, it's people like you that give crime a bad name.

( upbeat theme playing )

Well, are you all set for the masquerade party?

Mm-hm.

What are you wearing?

I'm going as Marie Antoinette.

Let 'em eat cake.

( giggles )

Maybe I'll go as Eve.

Let 'em eat their hearts out.

( giggles )

You need a lighter?

Yes. Wait a minute.

I think I've got one in here somewhere.

Oh, is that you?

Yes, it is you.

( dramatic theme playing )

And my husband.

Barbara.

Barbara.

Barbara, I'm sorry.

I'm the one...

I'm the one who found the tickets to the cruise.

Right?

Right. But I never intended...

Oh, how could I be so dumb?

That... That picture,

that was taken in Hawaii, wasn't it?

He asked me to go with him, but I was...

I was too busy with my fall line.

Were you...?

Were you in New York with him at the convention too?

( sighs )

Oh, what shall I do?

Well, I guess I'll divorce him or...

maybe I'll kill him first.

You don't want to divorce him.

What shall we do? Share him?

I'll take him alternate weekends and...

And Wednesday and... And Tuesday nights, and you take him...

Barbara, I'm not taking anything.

It's over between Alan and me.

( tender theme playing )

Look, I was lonely after my divorce.

Alan was very kind.

You were working a lot.

He needed someone to talk to.

And to go to bed with?

It's all part of the same thing.

Did you... love him?

I needed him.

He needed me.

But it's you he wants.

It's you he's always wanted.

If I could believe that or... if I thought it were true...

But... how could I...?

How could I take lying in his arms

and wondering if he's thinking about you?

( sighs )

It's funny.

All the time we were together, I...

had the feeling he was thinking about you.

How can I be sure?

How can anyone be sure of anything?

Oh, I don't know. I don't know.

There is a way you could find out how he really feels.

It's kind of sneaky, but...

it might do the trick.

Well, what is it?

Come on.

( mellow theme playing )

Cabo San Lucas is beautiful, isn't it?

Everything is gold.

Sure.

At least you didn't say

the water is sparkling like diamonds.

Sorry.

Hey...

you know that actress Roz Rogers?

Are you kidding?

Well, she was out by the pool, asleep.

So I snuck up on her and guess what I took?

What?

Oh, Ox.

Her picture!

You know, boss, she was wearing that diamond.

I could've reached right out and grabbed it.

Let's drown him.

Huh?

Hm.

Don't be ridiculous, Elwood.

Ox just came up with Plan D.

( knocking at door )

( tender theme playing )

Hi, Jenny, it's Julie.

And Isaac. Hi, Jenny.

And Gopher. Hi, Jenny.

And Doc. Hi, Jenny.

And, boy, have we got something for you.

Roses, I know.

Not just roses.

Every rose in Cabo San Lucas.

Steve?

Uh-huh.

Does this mean it's your birthday or something?

No, I...

It means he doesn't really care if I walk into walls.

( knocking at door )

Come in.

Jenny.

Steve, um,

please, um, listen to what I have to say.

Last night I acted like a fool.

I was wrong.

Um...

I love you.

And I know you love me.

I-I do wanna marry you,

and if you still feel the same way,

I'll be waiting in my cabin.

Uh... I'm going now.

Jenny, you're crazy. ( laughing )

How come that cheap trick didn't work for me?

( romantic theme playing )

STUBING ( over PA ): The masquerade ball is now in progress

in the coral dining room.

Will you smile?

Marie Antoinette wasn't unhappy

until after they cut off her head.

The worst I could do is bite you on the neck.

Uh, honey, uh, I... I forgot my purse. Oh.

You go ahead and join Cathy a-and I'll be...

I'll be right back.

Well, wait a minute. How am I gonna find her?

What's she wearing?

Oh, you can't miss her.

She's dressed as a clown.

A clown? Ah, like Marcel Marceau.

Marcel Marceau.

In that case, I'll bite her on the neck.

What can she say?

( growls )

( band playing light jazz )

Are you really dressed as a rabbit,

or have I had too many already?

No, I am the white rabbit.

Or as we call him, the honky rabbit.

( feet tapping )

( Spanish accent ): Valentino lives.

Not in that body.

You're looking at the world's greatest lover.

You don't know nothing about us rabbits.

Cleo, you look beautiful.

Thank you.

And by the way, good luck tonight, Prince Charming.

Oh, I can't miss.

One size fits all.

Hey, rabbit.

Hey, uh, what's up, Doc?

( laughs )

Well, what do you think?

Very novel.

You're the only one who came as a shoe salesman.

Uh, check your dipstick. I think you're down a quart.

I must say, this has been a delightful cruise, captain.

Oh, tonight you don't have to call me captain.

A simple "Your Majesty" will do.

( laughing )

Happy?

Uh-huh.

Keep your eyes on that diamond.

I want no trouble tonight or heads will roll.

Who was that?

Hi, Cathy.

( laughs )

( growling )

Did he see you?

I made sure of it.

Good luck, Barbara.

Thank you.

( spoon clinking )

At 11:00 we kill the lights.

Boss, you said there wasn't gonna be any killing.

Hey, Cathy, it's fantastic.

Well, wait'll Barbara sees you.

Uh, she, uh, left her purse in the cabin.

She'll be back in a minute.

Well, why don't we wait till Barbara gets back.

What's going on?

Cathy, cut it out.

What's with you, anyway?

Gee, if Barb sees this, she...

Okay, okay, just for a minute.

Wait, I'll get my teeth.

All right, Cathy, you can cut the mime now.

Well, if you insist.

Look, I thought you said it was over between us.

Cathy, I've been doing a lot of thinking on this cruise.

I don't want to hurt you.

You're a wonderful girl.

But I think I love Barbara.

I know I love Barbara.

And I couldn't stand to lose her.

She's my wife, and she's my life.

I'm sorry, but it is over with us.

No, I'm serious.

I mean, I knew there were things wrong with the marriage,

but I should have talked it over with Barbara.

I guess I was scared she wouldn't listen,

so I never gave her the chance.

I mean, how's she supposed to know what I need

if I never tell her?

I'm doing it again.

The things I'm telling you, I should be telling her.

You are.

Barbara.

Yep.

It is you.

Yep.

Then you, uh, know about everything.

Yes, Alan.

Barbara, I've been such a jerk.

Yes, and so have I.

And dressing up like this was crazy, but...

at least I finally got to know you.

Barbara, can you ever forgive me?

Let me tell you in mime.

( romantic theme playing )

Oh, you guys have great costumes.

Jenny's justice and I'm her prisoner.

A prisoner of love, eh?

Come on, I saved you a table.

It's right here.

Okay. Here you go. Have a good time.

Oh, thanks, Julie.

There you go.

Sit right down here and, uh, I'll go get us some drinks.

Be right back.

( Roz and William laughing )

Happy?

Oh, yes.

What else can I buy you?

Oh, you know what I think? Yeah?

I think we ought to buy a ship like this,

much smaller, of course, with a crew of about 50.

WILLIAM: That's a wonderful idea. We can sail all over the world.

We can even stop in Cannes for the festival.

ROZ: But we don't have a house in Cannes.

WILLIAM: So we buy one.

Oh, honey, you're so sweet to me.

Well, what is love all about, huh?

Here's your ginger ale.

You're an expensive date. Heh.

You okay?

Yes.

But I just heard the saddest conversation.

A man and his wife,

and all he could talk about

was what he was going to buy for her.

Yachts and houses.

It's what they thought love was all about.

( sighs )

Promise we won't ever be like that.

STEVE: Not much of a chance on my salary.

( laughing )

( laughs )

To us.

Do you know I've never liked John Wayne?

BOTH: Taffi's waving at me.

( spoon clinking )

It's a beautiful watch.

It's time.

( spoon clinking )

( mutters )

Excuse me.

Who's that girl sitting over there?

Oh, that's Jenny Lang.

She's quite a girl.

It's a shame she's blind.

I think she sees better than we do.

Meet me on the fantail in five minutes.

Meet me on the fantail in five minutes.

Well, I think I'd, uh...

Think I'd like to get a drink.

I'll get some air.

Miss McCoy, I told them to stay with Miss Rogers.

Someone has got to see that nothing happens to that jewel.

Miss Rogers, how nice to see you.

Captain. Oh!

STUBING: What's going...?

( Roz screams )

WILLIAM: What are you doing?!

( people shouting, Roz screams )

STUBING: Put the lights back on! This is the captain speaking.

Engineer, the lights! Put the lights on!

I don't know.

Who stole my medallion?

Look, here they come.

Get ready, my friends, to feast your eyes.

Ooh! No, no.

Nice going, genius.

Oh, Elwood, go take a swim.

The pool is closed.

I didn't have the pool in mind.

Go file your nails.

Go file your face.

Why are you all upset?

I think it's beautiful.

Mmm!

( suspenseful theme playing )

( sighs )

Thinking what I'm thinking?

Yes, that blind girl,

we need a character like that in the movie,

a touch of reality.

It's not the movie that needs reality,

it's us.

Yes, I'm afraid you're right.

What are we doing this movie for, anyway?

We have all the money we'll ever need.

All the material possessions.

We have so much, and she has... Ooh.

Nothing?

Everything.

Everything that matters.

Humanity, warmth, love.

We could have love, Bill.

If all these things didn't get in the way.

ROZ: I don't want things.

I want us.

( dramatic theme playing )

What are you going to do with that?

Throw it in the ocean.

Let me do it.

Oh!

( gasps )

( romantic theme playing )

Hey, Doc, you know what?

Huh?

I don't think she's gonna show up.

Let's give her another five minutes.

( upbeat theme playing ) ( foghorn blowing )

( inaudible dialogue )

( indistinct chatter )

It worked, Cathy.

Just the way you said it would.

How can I ever thank you?

By holding onto him.

He's a pretty nice guy. ( chuckles )

You're not so bad yourself, you know.

All set.

Well, I guess this is goodbye.

Keep in touch.

Goodbye, Cathy.

Bye, Cathy. Bye-bye.

Well, I never thought I'd be saying this,

but, uh, you have terrific taste in women.

And even better taste in wives.

Hi, folks.

Hope you enjoyed your trip.

It was a real thrill.

Yeah, a real thrill.

I'd rather be in Philadelphia.

Well, uh, different strokes for different folks.

Wait a minute.

Where's Ox?

Oh, you mean, your... Your big friend?

Yeah.

Oh, he's gone already.

His chauffeur came on board

and picked up his luggage first thing.

His chauffeur?

Yeah, well, I remember

because he couldn't figure out whether

to go to his Malibu beach house,

the penthouse in town,

or to take his jet to the ranch.

TAFFI: He's rich.

He's loaded.

Plan E.

Yeah. Plan E?

It's the one right after D.

Goodbye. Very enjoyable.

Oh, I'm glad. Bye-bye.

Hi.

Oh, hello, Steve. Hi, Jenny.

Hello, Julie.

You'll never guess what happened.

Oh, Steve proposed, you accepted,

and the two of you are getting married.

No.

No?

Jenny proposed, I accepted,

and we're gonna get married.

Oh, I think that's wonderful!

Congratulations.

Terrific. See you later.

STEVE: Bye-bye. Bye.

Can you, um, live without me

for a couple of hours?

No longer. ( chuckles )

Well, it was wonderful having you aboard.

Thank you.

And I didn't mind losing my shirt to save your jewel.

Oh, the diamond?

We threw that overboard.

What?

It was a fake.

The real one is in the vault in our bank.

Couldn't take a chance of having it stolen.

Oh, I don't blame you.

If I owned a rock like that,

I'd hold onto it with both hands.

( both chuckle )

I used to think that too,

but holding onto it really doesn't give you

that much happiness.

It's a bigger kick to let it go.

That's right.

We're donating it to charity.

I understand there's a school for the blind

that does wonderful work.

Well, goodbye, Julie. Captain.

Bye. Goodbye.

Hope to see you again.

Goodbye, captain.

Bye.

See you in the movies.

Bye.

Bye.

You know, those two really are stars.

( Jack Jones' "The Love Boat" playing )