Original subtitles

( Jack Jones' "The Love Boat" playing )

♪ Love ♪

♪ Exciting and new ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Life's sweetest reward ♪

♪ Let it flow ♪

♪ It floats back to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon will be making Another run ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Promises something For everyone ♪

♪ Set a course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ And love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Welcome aboard It's love ♪

( upbeat theme playing )

Gopher. Where have you been?

My car had a flat tire?

What's in the bag?

Hey, Julie, great talking to you.

Gotta go.

Gopher.

Keep in touch.

( grunts )

Gopher. Bye now.

Miss McCoy, I always enjoy greeting the passengers,

but where is Yeoman Purser Smith,

the officer who is paid to do it?

Uh, sir, maybe his car had a flat tire.

Maybe it didn't.

Maybe it didn't.

Mm-hm.

Hi. I'm Julie McCoy, your cruise director.

Oh, hello.

I'm Cynthia Parker. And this is my daughter, Anne.

Hello.

She's a little self-conscious.

She just had, you know, cosmetic surgery.

Oh, well, you don't have to worry.

We'll have her feeling relaxed in no time.

Thank you.

If you don't mind my asking, who did your nose?

The man upstairs. Heh.

You're lucky to live in a doctor's building.

Come on, Annie.

Listen, my mom get here yet?

Not yet.

But there's still plenty of time.

You know, this is the first real vacation

she's had in years.

Well, since my dad died.

Yeah, I can't wait to meet her.

I have a few things to tell her about her son.

Not her son.

Her baby.

I mean, she still thinks of me as kind of a little boy

with a teddy bear.

Oh, like the one tucked in your bed?

Beats sleeping alone.

Listen, just let me know

when my mom gets here, all right?

WOMAN: Isaac.

( romantic theme playing ) Hi.

Hi, baby. Ah.

Mm.

Boy, you sure have a young mother.

I said, you sure have a young mother.

I was just remarking about how young your mother was.

Charlene, what are you doing here?

I got tired of waiting for you in port,

so I decided to take a cruise.

( chuckles )

Good deciding.

Except one thing:

My mom's coming on this cruise too.

That's okay.

I don't mind sharing you with an older woman.

Hello.

Babe, I want you to meet Gopher.

Gopher, this is my girl.

The one I've been talking about.

Oh, right. Hi, Martha.

Helen? Lisa.

Just kidding, just kidding.

This has to be Charlene, right?

Hi. Welcome aboard.

Charlene, um,

I think I'd better show you to your cabin.

Bye.

You keep an eye out for my mom? Sure.

Should I let you know when

Martha, Helen and Lisa arrive too?

Cute. Very cute.

Has a pretty blond, about 5'7," been looking for me?

No.

How about a brunette, 5'4"?

No.

A redhead, 4'10"?

Hi. Welcome aboard.

I'm Julie McCoy.

Well, hello.

I'm Millie Washington.

I'm looking for my son, Captain Isaac Washington.

"Captain" Isaac Washington?

Well, give him time, honey. Give him time.

( laughs )

Listen, you know, I thought

that little rascal would be kind of here to greet me,

you know, and show me around.

Well, he's probably out sorting his supplies for the cruise.

Hm.

He's probably chasing some pretty girl all over this ship.

Give him time. Give him time.

Oh.

( majestic theme playing ) ( foghorn blowing )

Oh. Hello, hello, hello.

Miss Monroe. Welcome. Oh.

My darling, darling Jenny.

Julie.

Yeah, of course, Jackie.

I can't tell you how thrilled

I was to be able to squeeze in

another performance onboard your floating nightclub.

You know, I said to my agent,

you have simply got to cancel all my other bookings.

By the way, I found you an accompanist.

Wouldn't you know my pianist would come down with the flu

the first time in ages I get a booking.

Oh, I mean... I mean, a great booking.

Well, this may turn into a stroke of luck.

I had to pull a few strings,

but the accompanist I found you is dynamite.

Oh, that's wonderful.

You know, dear, a good pianist is hard to find.

But then, so is a good man.

♪ A good man ♪

Hi, doll.

Hi.

Who's the banana?

Lenny Kamen. Mitzi Monroe.

Lenny, I was just telling Mitzi all about you.

Lenny, what are you doing here?

Is your cage being cleaned?

But I see you two already know each other.

Know each other?

Lenny here is my ex.

Ex-partner?

Uh-huh. Ex-partner,

ex-husband, ex-everything,

except ex-citing.

Gee, I'm sorry. I didn't know.

Look, it's no big thing.

We have one more performance we have to do together.

It's not a lifetime.

No, it's... It's just going to seem like a lifetime.

How long were you two married?

Ten years.

That's a long time. Hm.

Funny, it seems like only yesterday.

And you know what a lousy day yesterday was.

( majestic theme playing ) ( foghorn blowing )

( all cheering, yelling )

Hey, Gopher. Huh?

Listen, my mom get settled in okay?

I've been stuck working.

Oh, she's fine.

I got one of the crew to show her around. Oh.

And this is the Lido Deck.

Oh, my, this is nice. ( chuckles )

Real nice. Thank you.

I... Oh. Who is that cutie

over there in the red jacket?

( chuckles )

( chuckles )

Hi, Mom. Oh, yes.

Captain, I see you met my mom.

Yes. And I've never seen her looking better.

Now... You just met me two minutes ago.

Well, you see? I wasn't lying.

Ha-ha.

Well, I hope you enjoy the cruise, Mrs. Washington.

I'd better, or I'm gonna complain

to whoever is in charge around here.

( chuckling ): Isaac.

So long, captain.

Sweetheart, now, are you getting enough to eat?

Enough?

I was thinking about getting a bigger uniform.

Hi.

Oh, Mom, you remember Gopher.

Gopher, you know, I used to dress Isaac

in little sailor suits like that

before he could walk.

Uh, Mom, ahem,

my man here is gonna show you

such a fine time while you're onboard.

I sure am, Mrs. Washington.

Mrs. Washington was George's mother.

You call me Millie.

Millie.

Good.

Now, look at this uniform.

Look at this.

Here, you got a tear in here already.

First chance you get, you bring that coat upstairs to my room.

No, it's up the companionway to my cabin.

I don't know where your cabin is,

but you bring the coat up to my room.

He thinks I deliver. Oh.

( chuckles )

Isaac, your mother is a real dynamo.

You know it.

But there is another dynamo

I also wanna spend some time with.

Hi, Gopher.

Hi, honey.

How you doing? Mm. Mmm.

Hi.

Did you know you had a tear in your jacket?

If you like, I'll fix it for you.

Do you deliver?

( piano playing mellow music )

Hi.

Oh.

I understand you were working up in the Poconos.

How'd you like it?

The Poconos?

Oh, the Poconos are like...

They're like mountains to me, you know?

I mean, they're sort of hilltops

in the valleys of despair.

Actually, I can hardly find time for the Poconos anymore.

It means juggling TV and Vegas and Tahoe. Heh.

I know exactly what you mean.

Do you know, I have the very same problem.

Really?

Yeah. I have a new manager. Oh.

Guy is fantastic. Oh.

Absolutely fantastic.

Course he has me working the little clubs now,

but that's all part of the plan.

Like a fighter, you know, just bringing me along.

Pretty soon we'll work out the kinks,

and then it'll be a TV series, Tahoe, Vegas.

Lenny, who are you kidding? I know the places you play.

I read the columns.

And I know the places you play. I read the funnies.

Well, it beats the 7-11 Club in Trenton.

You died there. I read the obituaries.

Actually, you know, um...

I have ten weeks coming up at the Sahara.

The hotel or the desert?

Hi, guys.

Everything under control?

Terrific. It will be when I can get

a padlock for his mouth.

Let's face it, Julie.

I can't work with this creep.

If I perform, it's gonna be without an accompanist.

After she sings four bars, it'll be without an audience.

Why worry about it, Julie?

I'd be absolutely glad to do the whole show for you solo.

That's a wonderful idea.

He's a regular Liberace, you know.

Only if he's smart, he will light the piano

and he'll play the candelabra.

Look, guys,

this is not worth fighting about.

I'll tell you what.

I'll flip a coin, and whoever calls it goes on alone.

Heads. The other side.

And then whoever doesn't perform

will just pay for their passage,

and then we'll be square, okay? Uh...

Uh...

Yeah, now... Now... Now, hold on there just one minute.

( Mitzi stammering )

I think we're being a little hasty here.

Yes, yes. I... I-I think we're being just...

Just a little bit hasty.

I mean, uh... I mean, without the two of us,

let's face it, there's no act.

That's right, that's right. I mean, it's like...

It's like, uh, Hepburn without Tracy.

It's like, uh, Rogers without Astaire.

Like Goodyear without the blimp.

Right. Well, I'm glad that's settled.

See you later.

( whimsical theme playing )

( mellow theme playing )

Hey, how goes it?

Okay, I guess.

Oh, well, give me a call when you know for sure.

ISAAC: Say, uh, who is that with my mom?

I haven't a clue.

Yeah, well, check it out, man.

I mean, who is this guy? I mean, what does he do?

Where is he from?

Hey. Am I thy mother's keeper?

Ask him yourself.

( indistinct chatter )

( chuckling )

Oh. Oh, Isaac.

This is my son that I haven't seen in the last 24 hours.

Nice to meet you, son.

Oh, now this is Mr. Roy Harwood.

How do you do?

Hi.

Roy's a dentist.

But you won't get any business in this family.

Isaac's got the best set of chompers in town.

Show him, honey.

Oh, show it to him.

You know,

we stress dental health in my family.

And we brush after every meal and floss at bedtime,

unless Isaac had used up all the floss

to hold his model planes together.

ISAAC: Yeah.

( all chuckling )

Um, yeah, well, uh, heh... I gotta go.

Can you join us later for dessert?

I'd like to, but I have to go... and floss.

( chuckles )

But, Isaac, wait, I want to talk to you

about something that's important.

Hi. Hi, let's go.

What about dinner?

And I wanted to meet your mom.

Oh, well, I...

I thought we would, uh, you know, first things first.

Well, uh, since you put it that way.

( both chuckle )

Anybody ever tell you you have beautiful teeth?

The best set of chompers in town.

Oh, thank you.

Okay, I give up, what's with the doggy bag?

Oh, well, it's the strangest thing,

I've been getting hungry, but never at meal time.

So this way I always have food handy.

Mm.

Gopher, did I already eat my carrots?

Sure did, really enjoyed them too.

Hm. I'm still hungry.

Can I eat your pota...? Sorry, too late!

( clears throat )

Well, I'm stuffed.

Excuse me. Ahem.

Honey, you missed a wonderful dinner.

I'm not going out with my nose in a sling.

Take off the bandages.

The doctor said you could take them off weeks ago.

Suppose he didn't do a good job?

Suppose my nose is worse than it was before?

Impossible. You had your father's nose.

I'm sorry, sweetheart, that came out backward.

You're going to look wonderful!

Do you want to put that in writing?

Hey, Isaac, you're running a loose ship here, man.

Uh, what's with the empty peanut bowls?

I... I thought I just filled that.

Empty bowls don't lie.

Oh, uh, guy down there.

( clears throat )

Hi, Gopher. Hi, Julie.

Well, back to the salt mines.

Hi, Julie. Hi, Isaac.

What's going on? I'm starving.

Where's all the peanuts?

Is there an elephant loose around here?

Louise. Louise.

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

I brought dinner. Come on. Ha-ha.

You got a little flower? You look lovely in it.

Yes, they say that.

Uncle Gopher has for you, some steak,

some baked potato, some peanuts, and for dessert, some carrots.

JULIE: Not just some carrots,

but Julie's carrots.

And Isaac's peanuts.

Hi, guys, what's new?

Look, I promised a friend that I'd take care of her.

See, I thought I was gonna be off duty this week.

Believe me, I was the only one he could leave her with.

Oh, it figures.

Leave a monkey with someone who's bananas.

( chitters )

Please, you guys are my buddies.

You gotta promise you won't tell anybody I have her on board.

Please?

What's a few peanuts more or less?

Julie?

I haven't eaten.

I haven't the strength to tell.

( Louise clapping )

( chittering )

Oh, that's just her way of saying thanks.

( majestic theme playing )

Annie, please, just come out for a minute.

I want you to meet Dr. Bricker.

ANNIE: No way.

I just want you to meet him.

Mother... Let her be.

She'll take the bandages off in her own good time.

But she's missing a terrific cruise

and there are so many nice people aboard.

You, for example.

You're so right.

Come on, let's have breakfast.

All right.

You see my sunglasses?

Uh... no.

Besides, I'm the one who needs sunglasses.

You're dazzling.

You're so right.

Come on, Louise, where did you get those sunglasses?

You stole them, didn't you?

Listen, Louise, how did you get out of here, anyway?

That's not funny, Louise.

( playing mellow music )

You're late.

Well, good, I won't have to listen to you play so long.

Now, I thought we'd start with "A Salute to the '50s."

What are we saluting, your age?

( chuckles )

Why don't we make it the 1850s?

We'll be saluting your jokes.

Could we get started?

Boy, am I cold.

Haven't changed a bit, have you?

Okay, "Fascination" in E, right?

E flat.

The "flat" part I remember.

Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha.

( Lenny plays opening notes )

♪ It was fascina... ♪

Oh.

My sentiments exactly.

( sneezes )

One more time.

( plays opening notes )

♪ It was fascina-na-na... ♪

"Fascina-na-na"?

( sneezes )

Aren't you going to say gesundheit?

I was thinking of auf Wiedersehen.

Oh, boy, you know how I hate air conditioning,

so you had them turn it up full blast, didn't you?

I had them turn it up full? I ha...

I'm not running the ship.

Look, let's take it from the top one more time if you don't mind.

( plays opening notes )

♪ It was fascina... ♪ ( Lenny increases tempo )

Look, lover boy, in case you've forgotten,

the tempo was this:

( slow tempo ): ♪ It was fascination, I know ♪

Wrong.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

It was this:

( fast tempo ): ♪ It was fascination, I know ♪

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong!

( screams )

( sneezes )

( sighs )

ANNIE: Who is it?

Oh, it's Yeoman Purser Smith, ma'am.

I found these sunglasses with the name Cynthia Parker on them.

They're my mother's.

Bye.

Uh, thank you.

You're welcome.

I haven't seen you on the ship before.

Are you hiding out for some reason?

Well, uh...

Bet you're an actress or a model traveling incognito, huh?

( giggles )

No.

No?

Well, whoever you are,

you have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen.

In the world.

In the whole world.

Thank you.

You're very welcome.

Don't worry, it's me. I'm alone.

Don't go running into the bathroom.

I'm taking the bandages off.

You are?

Oh, Annie, I can hardly wait to see it.

Close your eyes, I'll tell you when you can look.

Yes, dear, I understand.

Almost ready.

( majestic theme playing )

( band playing mellow music )

CHARLENE: Isaac, you know, you're a lucky guy.

Yeah, tell me about it.

I mean, you're lucky to have such a super mom.

What is that guy trying to prove?

Holding her like that.

I think he's trying to prove

that she's a beautiful, desirable woman.

She is not. She is my mother.

Well, you know what I mean.

I mean, she has no idea what these cruise ships are like.

What are they like, sweetie?

What is she doing?

Same thing we were doing.

ISAAC: Charlene,

I am not throwing myself at a dentist.

I'm gonna go put a stop to this.

Lighten up and let them enjoy themselves.

And besides, it's time for your break

and Charlene has plans for her Isaac.

Mm. Say what...? What...? What kind of plans?

Mm, interesting plans.

You see, this hot blood runs in my family.

I got a feeling that it runs in mine too.

Of course, if you'd rather not...

Whoa, whoa. W-w-wait a minute now.

I'm with you.

I mean, who can fight all this hot blood?

Come in.

Ah.

Mama, uh, I came to drop off the jacket.

Now, didn't you see the sign in my window?

In by 9, out by 5.

This late, it'll cost you extra.

Mom, I came here to straighten you out.

Well...

what I mean is, I've been on this ship a long time

and there are men who come on these cruises

looking for one thing.

Oh, honey. Thanks for the tip.

You're my dear son, not my "Dear Abby."

Mom, we gotta have a talk.

Oh, not now.

Mama's gotta get her beauty sleep.

But it'll only take a few minutes.

He's right, Millie.

Let's talk this out now.

What is he doing here?

What are you doing in my mother's cabin?

It's as much his cabin as mine.

What's that supposed to mean?

We're roommates.

We came on this cruise together.

I wanted to talk to you, but I haven't had a chance.

Yeah, I can see you've been too busy.

Not me. You.

You see, this is not the kind of thing you can whisper

in your son's ear while he's mixing a Harvey Wallbanger.

Your mother and I have been going together for six months.

Going together?

I wanna marry her, Isaac.

Yeah, well, what's holding you back?

Now, listen, we're in love,

but I'm just not sure that I want to get married.

You get my age, it takes longer to make that big decision.

Oh, I can understand that.

Instead of getting married,

you wanna be some sort of a swinger.

( dramatic theme playing )

( mellow theme playing )

Absolutely terrible. Who would do such a thing?

I was only out of the cabin for 20 minutes.

Don't worry, we'll get to the bottom of this.

You wanted to see me, sir?

Uh, yes, uh, Mrs. Parker's room was ransacked by a thief.

Her diamond broach was stolen.

It was round with 38 diamonds

and a two-pronged pin on the back.

And it was my grandmother's.

Now, pass this on to the rest of the crew.

I want that thief caught.

He is not going to get away with this on my ship.

That's male chauvinism, sir. Could be a lady.

Sorry.

Just find him, her or it.

Yes, sir.

( sighs )

Excuse me.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

Are you sure you're not an actress?

Gopher.

What?

Sir! Yes. I-I'm on my way. Yes.

( playful theme playing )

( sneezes )

( sneezing )

Louise.

Louise?

Louise.

Louise.

( chittering )

Now, how can I help you?

I, uh, haven't known you long, Mrs. Washington,

but that is not the same happy woman I met

less than a week ago.

What's the problem?

Well, um, Roy and I would like to get off at the next port

and fly home.

That's if you could help us with the plane reservations.

Why? Aren't you having a good time?

Well, Roy and I came on the cruise together

and, uh, we share a cabin.

Mm-hm.

But Isaac doesn't approve.

Oh.

And, uh, I don't wanna cause him any further embarrassment.

Hm. You know, it's a strange thing

about the young people today.

When they do the bump and the hustle, it's fun.

When we do it, we're being silly.

One rule for them, another rule for us.

( chuckles )

I love this lady, captain.

And I don't wanna see her hurt.

Have you told that to Isaac?

Yes, but his ears are all stopped up.

I just didn't think that a child of mine

would turn out to be so prim and proper.

Isaac? Prim and proper?

( laughs )

Do you remember meeting a young woman onboard

by the name of Charlene Franks?

Oh, that's... That's Isaac's girlfriend.

Mm-hm.

One rule for them...

another rule for us.

( chuckles )

( upbeat theme playing )

( band playing mellow music )

Hi.

Hi.

Oh, hello, Gopher. Any news on my broach?

Not yet, ma'am, but we're closing in.

May I join you?

Of course you may.

BRICKER: Gopher.

Uh, Doc, hi. You surprise me.

I had no idea you had such excellent taste in young ladies.

Oh. Yeah, she's sensational, isn't she?

I mean, the other young lady.

Oh.

Cynthia, would you care to dance?

I'd love to.

I'm glad you came over.

So am I. So am I.

I was, um... I was thinking maybe later we could go for a walk.

The moon is beautiful tonight.

Yeah. Yeah.

Would you excuse me a minute?

Hi. Excuse me.

Mind if I cut in?

Thanks.

Uh, Gopher? Hm?

Buzz off. You've got your own girl.

Oh. You're a terrific dancer.

Now, where were we?

Oh, Annie, I'm sorry about that interruption.

I just wanted to make a good impression on your mom.

Oh. Yeah.

Um, would you like to take a brandy along

when we go for that stroll in the moonlight?

I'll be right back.

Louise!

( chittering )

Cynthia, there's something about you

that makes me go weak in the knees.

Oh, Adam.

No, I'm not kidding. Hold me up.

Oh.

( playful theme playing )

( chittering )

Bricker, you haven't lost it.

ISAAC: And this time, it ain't just some peanuts.

I'm missing a case of swizzle sticks

and a Waring blender.

Louise.

And I'm missing a pair of shoes,

some pantyhose and my brand-new bikini.

Louise.

Okay, Louise.

Now, where is the little monkey?

That's just it, I'm missing a chimpanzee.

( knocking on door )

Does she usually knock?

Only when she forgets her keys.

Anne.

Gopher. What's going on?

You stood me up.

Um... ANNE: Oh.

Why didn't you tell me you had another girl?

GOPHER: Oh, that's not another girl. That's just Julie.

Oh, hey, thanks a lot.

Well, I thought that you and I...

I do. We are. We will.

But, Annie, um, there are complications.

It was horrible.

A hairy little man in a dress.

Don't be silly. It was just Gopher's monkey.

We'll get your bag back.

Dr. Bricker.

Um, evening, captain.

Showing Mrs. Parker the crew's quarters?

Something like that.

( Louise chittering )

Ah!

( door closes )

This may sound silly,

but I think I just saw a chimpanzee

walk into Yeoman Purser Smith's cabin.

Are you sure it was a chimpanzee?

( sighs )

BRICKER: Here's your hairy little man.

Here's your bag.

And here's my broach.

I told you there was nothing to worry about.

STUBING: Gopher. BRICKER: Buy you a drink.

Sir, I'm sorry, I...

It's my fault for bringing Louise on the ship.

I'm responsible for everything.

You will report to my office first thing in the morning.

Yes, sir.

With your bags packed.

You'll be going ashore in Ensenada.

Well, I guess I'd better get packed.

( chittering )

( Gopher sighs )

GOPHER: Louise!

Uh, Captain Stubing.

Uh, captain, you're not gonna fire Gopher, are you?

Miss Parker, I understand your personal involvement,

but this is ship's business.

I'd prefer not discussing it with a passenger.

Good night. Uh, captain.

The monkey's mine.

I... I didn't wanna leave it home so I brought it with me.

Gopher was protecting me.

If anyone should be punished, it should be me.

Then it will be.

What are you gonna do?

( mellow theme playing )

( knocking on door )

Enter.

I'm ready to leave now, sir.

Leave?

Nothing could be further from my mind.

Until last night, Mr. Smith,

I thought that old-fashioned chivalry was dead.

That the days when a young man would put himself in jeopardy

for the honor of a young lady had gone out with...

With the tango.

But, sir... No buts.

Now, you put your job on the line

to save the embarrassment of one of the passengers.

I'm proud of you.

But, sir... No buts.

Let's get back to work.

Yes, sir.

Now, what did I do with my cap?

( chittering )

Morning, captain.

Okay, baby, I'm ready.

Let's go swimming.

I don't feel like it.

Isaac, why don't you go apologize to your mom?

Apologize? For what?

I was only trying to protect her.

Protect her?

I wonder how she got along all these years without you.

Isaac, you flew the coup a long time ago,

now it's time for her to spread her wings.

I don't understand your attitude at all.

That's because it's not your mother.

Hey. A mom can't hold onto her son,

and a son can't hold onto his mom.

Mm. ( knocking on door )

ISAAC: Just a second.

Mm-ah...

I'm sorry.

Your jacket's fixed.

Thanks.

Well, actually, I came to warn Charlene.

You know, honey, there are men on these cruises

who are only looking for one thing.

Well, it's not that way at all.

I mean, you and I have been going together for a long time.

Well, what I mean is... Well, this is different.

The only difference is I'm not your mother.

Seems to me you got two sets of standards.

One for me. And one for me.

Uh, ladies, ladies, oh, you completely misunderstand

what I've been trying to say.

Mm-mm. I can't wait to hear this.

Well, what I'm trying to say is...

( chuckles nervously )

I guess you're both 100 percent right

and I've been a damn fool.

We're not 100 percent right.

Oh, no.

Maybe, uh, 99.

( laughs )

I guess a son never thinks

any man is good enough for his mom.

You know, it takes a man to admit when he's wrong.

And I raised a man.

Who sure knows how to pick a good woman.

And a pretty one too.

( both laugh )

( upbeat theme playing )

Ooh.

( applause )

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we have

a very special treat for you.

There aren't many performers who have a way with a song

like the lovely and talented Mitzi Monroe.

And not many musicians have a way

with those black and whites

like the nimble-fingered Lenny Kamen.

Well, tonight, for the first time in a long time,

they're back together again.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the musical magic of Mitzi and Lenny.

How do you expect me to play with my finger in a sling?

Fake it. That's what you usually do.

Now, listen...

Well, then...

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to the Acapulco Lounge.

I hope that you'll bear with me tonight,

but as you can see, I'll be playing with a bum hand.

Yes. That's why he plays a bum piano.

( laughter )

Oh, but seriously, ladies and gentlemen,

ahem, I do hope that you will excuse my laryngitis.

Ahem. You shouldn't have mentioned it.

The way you sing, they never would have noticed.

( laughter )

Well, could we, um...?

Could we just take it from the top, please?

Why? You've never started there before.

( laughter )

Oh, my, isn't he a bundle of fun?

( all laughing )

Ladies and gentlemen, you must forgive my partner,

but she's been working alone recently

and she's not used to such large audiences.

Is that so?

Well, I'll have you know that the last place I played in,

my closing night, the ropes were up.

The boss was hanging himself.

( laughter )

Well, uh, could we just have an arpeggio, please?

And that was with his good hand.

( all laughing )

Look, could you just give me a simple introduction?

Certainly.

Captain Stubing, this is Mitzi.

Mitzi, this is Captain Stubing.

Julie, Mitzi. Mitzi, Julie.

Gopher, Doc.

( applause ) Yes, yes, yes.

It's going to be that kind of an evening, is it?

Well, well, well, ladies and gentlemen,

I think you might be interested in knowing

that I was once married to this clown.

My mother wanted me to marry a doctor, but I compromised.

I married a sickness.

( all laugh )

Okay, let's talk about our marriage,

which, at one time,

was commonly referred to as The Gong Show.

Whee. Heh. Yes, yes.

They were going to make a movie based on our marriage,

but you can't have two films called Rocky.

So they made one about Mitzi and called it Jaws.

( all laughing )

( knocking on door )

Come in.

Hi. Hi.

Would you believe I couldn't get into my cabin?

I was mobbed by autograph hounds.

Took me two hours to sign two autographs.

Why so long?

One of them didn't want it.

( laughs )

They really loved us.

Well, that's the key word: "us."

You're right.

I never could have gone on alone tonight.

Oh, I stink at the best of times, well, with this voice.

Oh, come on, honey, you've got a great voice.

It was always my piano playing that held us back.

That's true. Yes, that's...

Come on, you know I was kidding.

You know, it was kinda cute.

I think we should put it in the act.

The act?

Yeah, you know, you, me, Vegas, Tahoe, TV.

Oh, Lenny.

I miss those.

Me too.

You know, uh, I was thinking,

uh, I'm much too excited to sleep tonight and... And...

And you probably are too, so, uh, I was thinking that, uh...

Well, may... Maybe you could just stay here for a while and...

And... And maybe we could, um, uh, uh...

Rehearse.

Rehearse. That's a good idea.

I always say keep doing it till you get it right.

Okay, now, let's see, I say:

"Our marriage was referred to as The Gong Show."

Laugh, laugh, laugh. And then you say:

"You can't have two movies called Rocky."

Laugh, laugh, laugh.

That's what I always say:

"Keep doing it till you get it right."

Oh, yeah.

( upbeat theme playing )

( foghorn blowing )

See you tomorrow night.

You know it.

Can we give you a lift home, Charlene?

Oh, yeah. Thanks.

Oh.

You liberated women sure do stick together.

Oh.

( chuckling )

Bye, Mama. Uh-oh.

Mm-hm.

So long, Roy.

Thanks for being so understanding.

Hey, it's no big thing.

I hope we get to see a lot of each other, son.

Well, I guess it's a little soon to be calling you "son."

Listen, you just keep loving my mama and keeping her happy,

and you can call me anything you want.

Oh, bless you, honey. Bless you.

Your mother was right about one thing...

ISAAC: What's that?

You do have great teeth.

( all laughing )

If I wasn't so cheap, I'd give you 10 percent.

She's right. As an agent, you're fantastic.

As a cruise director, mm.

Well, hey, I'm happy for both of you.

Who knows, we may even tie the knot again.

Except this time around,

we intend to keep the fighting where it belongs,

out on that stage.

That's right, my darling.

That's where you belong, out on that stage.

As a matter of fact, there's one leaving in five minutes.

Oh, that's the comedy, huh?

How about going back to music?

How about going back to your mother?

Oh, jeez. Bye.

Very good idea of yours,

having the three of us leave together.

I just hope we can make it a twosome soon.

You mean, you and her?

I mean, you and me.

Can I call you when I drop Louise off?

ANNIE: You better.

( chittering )

Come on, Louise.

Well, Cynthia, you got your broach back.

Yes, but I may just have lost my heart.

Lost your heart?

Check with Gopher, his chimp's probably got it.

Goodbye, Adam.

Goodbye.

( Louise chittering )

Louise!

Louise!

Louise.

( Jack Jones' "The Love Boat" playing )