All language subtitles for Selfie.S01E05.Even.Hell.Has.Two.Bars.720p.HULU.WEBRip.AAC2.0.H.264-NTb

You're destined for success.

You've tested
off the charts.

People love you.

But more importantly,
they need you.

Why?

Because you posses a series
of unique attributes.

Thanks.

I do still feel like
I'm on a journey, though,

of self-discovery.
Shh.

Talking to the lozenge.
Oh. The lozenge.

Knock, knock.

Terrence, how's the new gig
in customer service?

Press 1 for awesome.

Beep.

Press 2 for billing.

Press 2 for billing.

Fun fact -- 2 is actually
the button for billing --

okay, out, Terrence.
Oh, absolutely.

Oh! I almost forgot.

Our boss/my dad-in-law
asked me to deliver this.

Is that
what I think it is?

Sam's inviting me
to the Santa Barbara house?

Affirmative.

Yes!

Ye-- ye--

Sam only invites executives
that he's eyeing for promotion

up to his weekend estate
to hobnob.

Whoa. Hobnob.

No. Promotion.

That's the exciting word,
Charlie.

♪ I'm looking at me ♪

♪ hey, look, it's me ♪

♪ not to make it all me ♪

♪ funny thing about me ♪

♪ funny thing about me ♪

♪ is while I'm looking
at me-e-e-e-e ♪

♪ I'm hoping to find you ♪

Eliza. Eliza.

Good morning, Henry!
How are you?!

I'll tell you how I'm not --
hearing impaired.

You're shouting.
Oh.

Sorry, I was just doing
kegels to riff raff.

All right, well,
I wanted to let you know --

are you
still doing them?

don't.
Please stop doing them.

don't.
Please stop doing them.

I need to cancel
our work session on Friday.

Ooh. Hot date?

No, but I'm hopeful
that's on the horizon.

Still waiting
on this girl

I'm getting fixed up with
to return my text.

She didn't return your text?
No, but I'm sure
she will eventually.

Whoa-ho, a text is not something
you return eventually.

Watch this.

Hi.

See? Freddy texted me
right back.

Okay, well,
I'm not concerned

with texting
at this precise moment.

See? Two more seconds,

and Freddy's already pissed
I didn't reply.

And Freddy's already pissed
I didn't reply.

I get it. I get it.

Something momentous
has happened.
What?

I have been invited

to Sam saperstein's ranch
in Santa Barbara.

Is that -- is that a big deal,
or...Look!

Where did you
get that?

Terrence.

Oh, that must be
some kind of mistake.

This can't be right?
Why?

Because usually,
these retreats are Sam's way

of vetting
upper-level executives

who are...
You know, being eyed.

Who are...
You know, being eyed.

Um...

I'm always being eyed.

In fact,
I would argue there is

no one in this company
who gets eyed more.

For example, when I exit a room,
it is impossible not to look.

First of all, that's not what
I meant by being eyed.

Try not to look.

Eliza.
Just try.

♪ Yo ♪

Oh, my god.
♪ hey ♪

♪ yo ♪

Not looking.

♪ Hey ♪

♪ yo ♪

♪ yo ♪

♪ boyz ♪

♪ yo ♪
still not looking.

♪ Hold up, hold up ♪

♪ hold up, we dem boyz ♪

♪ we dem boyz ♪

♪ hold up, we dem boyz ♪

♪ hold up, hold up, hold up,
we making noise ♪

♪ hold up ♪

♪ hold up,
hold up, hold up, hold up ♪

Hold up, hold up.
♪ hold up ♪

♪ we dem boyz ♪
hold up, hold up,
hold up, hold up.

♪ Hold up ♪
nobody says "hold up" that many
times when exiting a room.

♪ We dem boyz ♪

♪ hold up, hold up, hold up,
we making noise ♪
all right, all right.

♪ Hold up, hold up, hold up,
we making noise ♪
all right, all right.

P-please stop!
You're gonna hurt yourself.

♪ Hold up, we dem boyz ♪
fine.

Fine.
♪ hold up, hold up, hold up ♪

♪ pop a bottle ♪

♪ pop a bottle ♪

Looked! Ha ha!

All right, this is exactly what
I'm talking about, eliza.

You don't exactly exude
professionalism,

so it's hard for me
to imagine --
what?

That saperstein would take note
of my unrivaled status

as this company's
top-performing sales rep?

Seriously?

Because I'm not a dude
in a suit,

you can't imagine that he would
reward my flawless track record

by making me, say,
the director of sales?

This is not about you
not being a dude in a suit.

This is not about you
not being a dude in a suit.

Furthermore,
my job is harder than yours.

I deal with doctors.

You sell
to the general public,

who will buy anything
you put in front of them

if they think it'll help
their sticky, snot-covered kids.

Did you just say
"furthermore"?

Indeed.
Henceforth, ergo...

I should be promoted.

Llc.

Maybe you're right.

But?

But...

I think it's more likely
that you're my plus one.

Plus one?

Yes,
I'm sorry, but...

I'm nobody's plus one.

I'm v.I.P., bitches.

"Bitches"? It's just me.
One bitch.

Was I plus one at Adam levine's
Halloween party?

At avril lavigne's
Christmas party?

At sherri Shepherd's
purse party?

At the grand reopening

of the south Pasadena
Victoria secret,

which I didn't go to,
but to which I was invited,

and had I gone, I would have
received a free thong?

Was I plus one at target's

preferred shoppers
black Friday pre-sale? Hmm?

Was I plus one

was I plus one

at Jennifer meyer's
irregular trunk sale?

Was I a plus one
at Scott disick's interven--

fine, eliza, fine.

The point is,
I receive plus ones.

I do not be them.

Fine, I clearly touched a nerve.
I take it back.

I'm sorry. You were invited here
on your own merit.

And you discriminate
against hot redheads.

And I, of course, discriminate
against hot redheads.

And eliza is not
and never will be a...

Plus one.

There they are!

The man of the hour.

Plus one.

Look.
Look at it this way.

He may see you
as my plus one now,

but by the time the weekend
is over, you could very well be

on the other side
of Sam's velvet rope.

Please stop trying to relate
to me by using nightclub jargon.

You're seriously just
making it worse.

And I want to go home.

No, you can't.

He thinks you're my plus one,
and if you leave,

I'll be negative one,

and I really don't
want to start

my big promotion weekend
off on a sour note.

Here we go.

Compliments
of rancho de saperstein.

We've got
monogrammed bath soaps,

natural honeycomb
sea sponge...

Mm.
...Uh, gold-dusted organic
Peruvian cacao nibs,

mm.
...Uh, gold-dusted organic
Peruvian cacao nibs,

and, of course,

janimals, janimals
wearable stuffed animals.

I'm the unicorn.
I got the unicorn.

Ah!

Here's our itinerary.

Please make us aware
of any dietary restrictions

or if you'd care
to schedule any services.

What kind of services.

Oh, got hot rock rolfing,
Finnish fig facial,

aromatic mammogram,
laser hair replacement,

Japanese wagu
beef-style massage...

In that moment,

i realized
how much Henry needed me,

so I decided
to do something selfless.

I want this one, this one,

I want this one, this one,

this one, this, this,
this, and this one.

Uh, you just pointed
at all of them.

Better make it
two of this one.

Thanks, t.

Okay.

You'll occupy
the east wing,

which overlooks
Oprah's vineyard next door.

Sir, your home
is exquisite.

A gorgeous Spanish colonial
built in 1923,

and yet she doesn't look
a day over timeless.

Hey.
What's your Wi-Fi network?

I'm only seeing one here called,
uh, "not Gayle's network."

Gayle's not the only one
not using a network.

Here at rancho de saperstein,
there is no network.

Here at rancho de saperstein,
there is no network.

No signal.

We have nothing...

...but each other.

Oh.

I think you'll find
that's all we need.

It'll be okay.

It'll be okay.

Henry, you'll occupy
the split bamboo suite,

named after my wife's
favorite "kama sutra" position.

Enter.

Hey.

Can I borrow the shoe Polish
from your welcome kit?

Mine is empty and I only got
through one boot.

Look.
The light barely dances.
Oh! It's over there.

Thanks.
Should I get
Belgian blueberry waffles

or three sides of bacon
tomorrow upon waking?

Neither.

You should come down
to the table

and have breakfast
with our hosts.

It's not for eating.

I just want the room to smell
like waffles when I wake up.

Or bacon.
No, no, waffles.

Or bacon.
No, no, waffles.

No, bacon.

I assume you've taken a moment
to review the weekend schedule,

and I don't need to
impress upon you further

that punctuality at each event
is imperative.

Waffles and bacon!

Huh?

I suspect there'll be
some opportunity

for small talk
at breakfast tomorrow.

I'll thank you
to leave that to me.

Thank you.
This is so frustrating.

God.

There's a caviar omelette
on here,

and I can't even tweet it
till Monday.

It's like, "ugh."

Over the juice course,
I'll casually share my vision

for the future
of our company.

For the future
of our company.

During melon,
I'll segue into where

I see our company going
5, 10 years down the road.

Come afternoon,
I'll wax nostalgic

about my humble beginnings
as a junior executive,

merrily sharing
an anecdote

that's both self-aggrandizing
and self-deprecating.

Oh, my god,
I'm gonna hang myself

by the janimals
if you don't stop talking.

Come dusk
on the horse trail,

having already shared,
waxed, and segued,

I'll complete the metaphor
of taming a steed...

If being vetted
for a promotion

means you
have to act like Henry,

i was kind of glad
i was off the hook.

He was driving
both of us crazy

he was driving
both of us crazy

and missing out
on loads of swag amenities,

like slipper chocolate.

The next morning,
i slept in while Henry

bored the crap
out of everyone over scones.

Raj, linda,
charmonique, and Joan

will be replaced by drones,
and relocated

to a newly-formed
sister facility in Albuquerque,

who I understand is offering
some exciting incentives

pertaining
to corporate tax rates.

And you know --
you know what they say

about corporate tax rates.

Hold up!
The bigger the tax --

hold up! Hold up!
There she is.

Hold up! Hold up!
Eliza!
Morning.

Hold up! Hold up!
Eliza!
Morning.

Oh, thank god.

Sorry I'm late, but that bed
was literally like

sleeping on an angel's
breast implants.

Ohh.
I don't think angels
augment their breasts.

Sleeping in is
not an uncommon occurrence

here
at rancho de saperstein.

It's the mattresses.

Ohh.
They're stuffed
with hand-curled koala fleece,

which leads
to a superior night's rest.

I don't know much
about koalas,

but I do know that horses
are the ninth smartest animal.

Shall we hit the stables?

Huh? What can I say?
I am hot to trot.

Good to gallop. Cool to canter.
Down to dressage.

Good to gallop. Cool to canter.
Down to dressage.

My! Someone really has
researched their horse words.

Eliza, should we wait
for you to get changed?

Mnh-mnh. No way.

I'm not into horses.
They smell like hobos.

All I want to do
is lay on a towel,

drink out of a pineapple,
and find out what the quack

went wrong
in Nick and Mariah's marriage

and why the custody arrangement
is for #dembabies.

That sounds --
like paradise.

I'll strap on the speedo,
and we'll meet at the pool.

Mm, great.

Uh, what about the horses?
What about the riding?

If I know anything about horses,
Henry, they'll wait.

♪ I'm working on my tan, bitch,
oopsie, oopsie ♪
aren't you gonna change?

♪ Working on my tan, bitch,
bitch, bitch, bitch ♪
into what?
I didn't bring swim gear.

Why? Because swimming
was not on the itinerary.

Well,
the itinerary changed.

You have to be able to go
with the flow, Henry.

And you have to stop
trying to control the flow.

It's not my fault everyone
always wants to do what I do.

It's like
when I got bangs

and then Michelle Obama
got bangs.

And when I said,
"kids are so fat,"

and then she jumped on the whole
childhood obesity bandwagon.

And then she jumped on the whole
childhood obesity bandwagon.

And then when I started wearing
lots of sleeveless stuff,

who suddenly had their arms
showing all the time?

The first lady
of nonstop riding my jock.

Well,
if you don't mind,

now that everyone's had their
fun copying you by the pool,

I'd like to reintroduce the idea
of horseback riding...

Yay.
...Which I spent three years

and over $16,000
learning how to do.

All I ask is that you don't do
anything to derail it.

You have my word.

And while you guys are riding,
I'm gonna sneak off

and while you guys are riding,
I'm gonna sneak off

and see if I can catch
an Oprah sighting.

I'd totally go
Oprah watching.

Oh, yeah, me, too.
Totally.

Oprah watching?
Oh!

If we leave before dark,
we can hike up to the lake.

Wonderful!

I'll slip
into my ambling kilt.

No!
My strolling culottes.

Let's go.

Want me to tell
Oprah you say hey?

Louis.

I'm gonna need
a pineapple to go.

Do you want a pineapple?

Pineapple?
Yeah.

Pineapple?
Yeah.

Make it two.

I was trying
to get Henry to relax,

but it wasn't easy.

He was crushing
his chance of promotion,

and not
in the urban dictionary sense.

...into a top-selling
furniture sealant.

Shh!
Ooh.

Stop talking, Henry.
Stop...Stop talking.

Do you hear that?

The frantic mating song
of the yellow-throated warbler.

Ahh.

I know I'm horny.

Seriously, though, have you
ever heard a sound so sweet?

Henry,
you got to relax.

I can't relax.

He cut me off
before I could deprecate.

I still need
to deprecate.

Eliza, wait till you
see what's just up ahead!

Oh, my god,
I can't wait.
I'm bombing. I'm tanking.

I can feel the promotion
slipping through my fingers.

I can feel it.
You're overthinking it.

don't overthink it.
Just try to have fun.

I'm not having fun.

Can you maybe try to, like,
look like you're having fun?

Are you
having a nosebleed?

Are you
having a nosebleed?

What?

Hurry up, slowpokes!

Do something fun.

Before the day's over,
do one fun thing, okay?

Just so saperstein
knows you're capable.

Good idea.
Okay.

Got it.

Reunited
with her one true love.

When I was voted
"milf of the moment"

by Montecito quarterly, we shot
my cover photo right here.

Now, tell why.
don't be modest.

Now, tell why.
don't be modest.

I saved this lake.

Mom chaired
the conservancy group

that had it declared
a freshwater preserve.

It's been off-limits
to development

or any form
of recreation.

In fact, it's been untouched
by human beings --

cannonball!

Oh! No!

Whoo!

Get in here!
Come on.
Oh, my god.

Why is everyone crying?

It's over.
Eh.

It's not a big deal.

I mean, I can't check,

but it bet
it's not even trending,

so, you know, the only people
who know about you

jumping into a forbidden lake
are your boss, his family,

the Montecito branch of the epa,
and maybe, like, stedman.

My chances for a promotion
are dead,

just like the fragile ecosystem
of that lake.

I'm s--

oh, my god, uh, Henry,
don't freak out,

but, uh, you have a --
a leech on your --

yes,
I do have a leech,

a leech that's been
sucking the life out of me

a leech that's been
sucking the life out of me

all weekend,
and her name is eliza dooley.

I'm a leech?

You practically begged me
to stay here, so...

Well,
that was my mistake.

And it was my mistake
for listening to you.

You ruined my weekend!

God, in all honesty,

I think I preferred you
when you were on your phone.

Fine.

Oh, my god,
I have a leech on my neck.

I know.
That's what I said.

I was
trying to help you!

I've been trying to help.

I've been trying to help.

Aah!

Ugh. Gah.

What's the rule again?
If it's cold --

wait.

And if it's hot?
Not.

And if it's yellow,
let it mellow?

Terrence.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Sorry I'm late.

And I'm never late.

As a matter of fact,
I'm usually early.

Punctuality, sir,

is an attribute
I pride myself on.

Is an attribute
I pride myself on.

Where's
your better half?

Eliza?
She's gone, sir.

I believe she's gone.

I fouled it up,
just like I fouled up

everything else
this weekend.

I had a plan.

Some might call it
a perfect, flawless plan,

one that took the better part
of three years

and $16,000 to put into action.

But things don't always
go according to plan.

And when they don't,
I tend to unravel.

I guess
what I'm trying to say is...

I guess
what I'm trying to say is...

I'm so sorry this weekend
was such a disaster, sir.

Brava, Henry.

Brava.

Methinks this weekend

was the opposite
of a disaster.

Methinks this weekend
has been an unbridled success.

And can I tell you something,
honestly, son?

I have always wanted to
splash about in that lake.

Sam.

Come on, yazmin.
This is a safe space.

Henry, all I wanted was a chance
to see this side of you,

Henry, all I wanted was a chance
to see this side of you,

not the pre-packaged
Henry product,

perfectly formulated
for success,

but the flawed,
beautiful,

lake-jumping mess
that lives inside of us all.

That's why in invited eliza,
quite frankly.

You know, I, uh,
can't help but notice

you're a lot more
lifelike around her.

I am, aren't it?
I mean, look at you.

I mean,
you're late for dinner,

your shirt's untucked,
you cut yourself shaving.

Oh, that's
from the leeches, sir.
From the leeches.

You see what I mean?

You probably had more fun this
weekend than you have all year.

You probably had more fun this
weekend than you have all year.

She's the perfect
plus one.

Actually, sir,
she's more than a plus one.

She's v.I.P.

Eliza!

Eliza!

How could there be no bars?

It's like we're
in the middle '80s.

Okay.

I'm still super mad,

but you just rode
the crap out of that horse.

Eliza, I'm sorry.

Eliza, I'm sorry.

I wasn't listening to you.

You weren't hurting me
this weekend.

You were helping me.

Let me guess.

You got the promotion?

I did.

I did.
I got the promotion.

As Oprah would say,
"ye-e-e-s."

"Ye-e-e-s."

But that exclamation
aside,

I don't want you to think
that I value my job

more than I value...
Our friendship.

Because I swear
it's a tie.

A tie?

A tie?

Yes. A tie.

There is now way that you came
galloping out here

on that majestic horse,
bathed in moonlight,

to tell me it's a tie.

I took the least-majestic horse,
I swear.

In the stable,
this thing looked like a donkey.

You worship me.

Admit it.
I do not worship -- no.

Just admit it. You worship me.
It's okay.

No, I-I have grown
accustomed to your face.

Thank you.

That horse is chewing
really loudly.

Yes, he is.

Looks like
you found your signal.

Yeah.
I guess I did.

♪ I'll take you down ♪

Ah. Got a text
from Charlie.

Freddy
just sent me nudes.

Hey, you.

Oh, very romantic.

Oh, are you jealous?

Should I be?
No.

And it got zero "likes,"
so I'm deleting it.

Good. Yeah.

♪ Soft-spoken like a disease ♪

♪ is the way to incomplete me ♪

♪ can you shake
this hollow night? ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ hey ♪

♪ through my breaths,
you're the highest high ♪

♪ or is this the
high-igh-igh-igh-igh ♪

♪ high-igh-igh-igh-igh ♪

♪ high-igh-igh-igh-igh ♪

♪ just let it go,
enjoy the ri-I-I-I-I-de ♪
Geronimo!

♪ Without the low, there ain't
a high-igh-igh-igh-igh ♪
whoo-hoo-hoo!

♪ High-igh-igh-igh-igh ♪
whoo-hoo!

Yes!