Original subtitles

♪ Show me the meaning of being lonely ♪ when I was younger, i didn't have a lot of friends.

It's not that kids in junior high didn't notice me.

They did.

Being butt-ugly wasn't what i wanted to be noticed for.

So I took a lesson

from the most popular girl in 7th grade.

It took me 14 years to perfect it,

but now I was insta-famous.

I had 263,000 friends,

followers, and insta-quaintances.

Followers, and insta-quaintances.

Not to mention the love and respect of my co-workers,

who were still stuck in coach.

Got the upgrade, ladies.

don't be jelly, linda.

Is that one of ours?

Eliza dooley,

our company's best-performing sales rep? Yeah.

She's our best sales rep? That can't be true.

That's the magic of the miniskirt -- no one's immune,

including Miller from legal, who happens to be --

married, isn't he?

She hasn't picked up on that yet.

She's been a little too busy

making sure her lipstick matches her thong.

Making sure her lipstick matches her thong.

How do you know so much about her lipstick and her thong?

I follow her on instagram.

Very classy.

What is this, her breakfast?

Why does her generation feel compelled to tweet every item that goes into their mouths,

including Miller from marketing's --

warm nuts? Thanks.

Thought you could escape me in first class?

Eliza, wait.

Look, I know it's intimidating

to fall for a girl with a strong pelvic floor

and an advertising presence on her Facebook page --

and an advertising presence on her Facebook page --

no, no. It's not that.

Then what?

Devices off. Seat belts buckled.

He was...Married?

And I just needed to gif my way through that.

Nausea, dizziness, a legit case of ham tongue.

It was either the turbulence or grinder's remorse

or a rare combination of the --

oh, wow.

That was, uh...

Are you okay?

Can you please move your nuts?

Yep.

Married.

You're married.

Why does this crap always happen to --

so, hey, maybe you should...

Head to the bathroom now.

Head to the bathroom now.

I think they've got a toilet in there.

♪ One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do ♪

♪ two can be as bad as one ♪

♪ it's the loneliest number since the number one ♪

I couldn't tell what sucked more --

being drenched in panic pudding

at a cruising altitude of 36,000 feet

or how many people liked seeing me that way.

Everything okay in there?

Not really.

My new boyfriend is someone else's husband.

I barfed all over my Louboutins.

The plane is full of my co-workers.

And now I'm stranded in here, naked and afraid.

Oh.

Ma'am, I'm afraid I'm gonna need you to vacate the lav.

Ma'am, I'm afraid I'm gonna need you to vacate the lav.

Okay. I'll vacate your lav,

but can you at least grab me an extra stewardess outfit?

Ma'am, this is not a department store.

There are no extra outfits.

Carol-June, straight up, now, tell me --

what would you do if you were me?

It's amazing what you can do

with three in-flight blankets tied sarong-style.

♪ If you come around here, I make 'em all day ♪

♪ if you come around here, I make 'em all day ♪

♪ bona fide hustler making my name ♪

I'd spent years laughing

...at stupid idiots on the Internet.

And now that stupid idiot was me.

♪ And take your money ♪

Hold the elevator! Hold!

Even if you are in a passionless marriage,

it doesn't mean adultery is okay.

Okay, you know what I wasn't in the mood for?

A lecture from my hipster-crite neighbor bryn.

She's the worst --

she's the worst --

with her nail art and her chevron stripes

and her non-prescription prescription glasses

and her bffs who love to diy

and their top knots and Peter Pan collars

and cross body bags.

It's weird.

She defines herself by her sexuality,

but I actually think

it's the least interesting thing about her.

Okay, first of all, I had no idea he was married

when we engaged in gland-to-gland combat,

and second of all,

I get super horny when I travel,

and that's not my fault -- that's science.

Um...

We weren't talking about you.

We weren't talking about you.

We were discussing "fear of flying."

By Erica jong.

We're a book club.

I know that.

How stupid do you think I am?

I tried sending an s.O. Text to my own friends

to see if anyone would bring me a ginger ale...

♪ When I was a child ♪ ...But no luck.

♪ Everybody smiled ♪

Is there a market close to me that delivers?

♪ Nobody knows me at all ♪

I found five markets.

I found five markets.

♪ Very late at night ♪ two of them are fairly close to you.

♪ And in the morning light ♪

♪ nobody knows me at all ♪

When siri is the only person who's there for you...

♪ And, oh ♪ ...It kind of makes you realize

being friended is not the same thing as having friends.

♪ When the lights are low ♪

♪ nobody knows me at all ♪

The next morning, i was praying the whole company

had forgotten about my epic fail.

Or, at the very least, was willing to make like Elsa and "let it go."

All right, everybody, settle down.

Bring it home, everybody.

Beautiful. Good.

Now, as you all know, this company took a major hit

when our best-selling pediatric nasal spray

was pulled from the shelves for causing satanic hallucinations.

Ah, allegedly.

Ah, allegedly.

"Allegedly" is right.

Nonetheless, the product was recalled and reformulated.

But whether or not we could regain the market's trust was...

Tbd.

But now, thanks to one man,

it's a big, fat "d"!

Henry, you loon, get up here! Come on, Henry!

Come on. Yeah!

We love this guy.

don't worry -- I'm not gonna make out with you.

I'm not gonna make out.

I lied about that.

Mmm!

Mmm!

You know, I read an article

that said Asian men are more comfortable

kissing on the mouth as a sign of friendship.

They're not, no. Mm.

All right, well, I'll forward it to you.

Thank you. It's good.

Folks, this man did the impossible.

He took a product

whose reputation had been badly tarnished

and rebranded it

as a product that consumers could once again love and trust.

Okay, if that dude in the vest could remarket our nasal spray,

okay, if that dude in the vest could remarket our nasal spray,

he could definitely remarket me.

Take a moment.

You're, uh, coming to my daughter's wedding this weekend, right?

Oh, I wouldn't miss it for the world, sir.

Good. Good.

Bring a date.

You're always alone. It's kind of weird.

I wouldn't call it weird. It is. It is.

What are you doing in my office?

I'm eliza, I work in sales,

and it recently came to my attention that I have poor instincts,

a weak stomach, no real friends, and --

loose sexual morals?

Have we met?

Have we met?

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

I'm afraid I'm not leaving until you say you'll help me.

But you can't be helped.

You are addicted to the instant gratification

of unearned adulation from a group of perfect strangers

you insist on referring to as your "friends."

Our nasal spray caused satanic hallucinations,

and you fixed that.

Come on. I just want to change my image.

You mean be a better person? Or that.

Look, I'm not trying to, like, tug at your heartstrings or whatever,

look, I'm not trying to, like, tug at your heartstrings or whatever,

but I threw up really hard.

And I don't know if you have ever thrown up that hard -- #thestruggle --

but it really makes you think.

Makes you think what?

I'm genuinely dying to know.

When I was sick, not one person called to see if I was okay,

and I don't know why.

People used to hate me because I was butt.

But I'm not butt anymore.

Look, eliza, I'm sure you're aware

it is possible to be beautiful on the outside

and still...Butt on the inside.

And still...Butt on the inside.

Like Gwyneth Paltrow.

Okay, you need to go.

No.

Come on, please.

Look, I know. I know you don't like me.

But if you don't like me, then just change me.

Just change me.

Please.

I don't like you.

But I can change you.

I could change your packaging...

Alter your formula.

If I just soften your palette and improve your taste,

I could transform you from a vapid,

I could transform you from a vapid,

uh, despised social-media-obsessed narcissist

into a valued and respected woman of stature.

Like linda. Like linda.

Only prettier.

The next day, we got right to work.

I'll need your implicit trust.

That means you do anything and everything I say,

even if it seems unorthodox.

Totally, just no backdoor stuff.

Okay, that -- that's -- come here.

That's another thing -- you mustn't misinterpret

that's another thing -- you mustn't misinterpret

my professional interest as romantic interest

because, I assure you, there isn't any.

Oh, got it. Got it. We're just friends.

We're not -- we're not friends.

And it's important to me that you acknowledge that.

Fine. We're not friends, and you're a gay dude.

I'm -- I am not a gay dude.

Just go about your day as you normally would.

Good morning. How are you? Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

That bald dude from the 12th floor took total fart blanche in the elevator,

so if you catch a whiff of something, it's residual him -- not me. Lol.

May I point something out?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Every day, you greet eliza, do you not?

I sure do. I check in with everybody.

And in the entire time that you've worked here,

has eliza ever once asked how you are doing?

You know the first thing about this woman?

Do you, uh...

Do you even know her name?

Charmonique.

What?

Charmonique.

Ch-- ch--

charmon-- charmonique.

Charmonique.

Like "Monique," but with a "char."

Like "Monique," but with a "char."

Okay, but, in my defense, that's not a real name.

Hmm?! Lesson number one --

each and every morning as you pass by charmonique's desk,

I want you to ask how she's doing.

Donezo. Let's start now.

Okay.

Open your lips and repeat after me -- "how are you?"

How are you?

How are you?

Go-o-o-od.

Then, if you will, a follow-up question --

then, if you will, a follow-up question --

for example, "how'd you sleep last night?"

You know what? Not great.

But that's because I had my 9-year-old in bed with me.

Did you hear that? Put the phone down. Off your phone.

Apparently, charmonique and her son didn't sleep well last night.

Now it's your turn to say something sympathetic.

I'm really glad I don't have kids.

You're not slurping.

We're making pleasant conversation.

We are not... On our phones.

We are looking into each other's eyes

and giving one another our undivided attention.

Good.

I'd like you to answer these questions

as honestly as you possibly can.

"The thing I'm most soothed by in life is..."

The sound of gentle rain against windows

or medium rain against rooftop with overspill from gutters.

I have a rain app on my phone.

That's pathetic. Please delete it.

It's free.

"The thing I'm most confused by is..."

Plus-size skinny jeans.

It's like, why?

Okay. Class dismissed.

Uh, wait.

Wait. I almost forgot.

I'm giving you an assignment.

Ooh!

Sam saperstein's daughter is getting married,

and I'd like you to attend the event with me.

And I'd like you to attend the event with me.

Write this down.

Okay.

Makeup should be light, your dress less tight.

Hair should be tame, your face softly framed.

No 6-inch heels, no cleavage revealed.

Nothing coarse, nothing sleazy,

and bring a wrap in case it's breezy.

With my credit cards maxed and my own clothes too slutty,

i had no choice other than to ask a friend for help.

But all the girls I knew were either drunk or at soulcycle, which left...

But all the girls I knew were either drunk or at soulcycle, which left...

Hold the elevator!

...bryn.

Bryn, I am so screwed.

I have this work wedding,

and I don't have anything appropriate to wear.

And if you help me,

I swear will never anonymously complain to management

about your book club again.

I knew that was you!

You are lucky "make-unders" are my everything.

You are lucky "make-unders" are my everything.

Hi!

Hi!

Come in. Come in.

How about the peach one?

- Ooh! - Oh.

Oh, yeah, I love the peach one,

but it might be small in the bust.

Oh, because of these? Oh, no, these aren't real.

Still, it might be tight in the rear.

Oh, because of this? Oh, no, this isn't real.

Okay. We might be in business now.

Take a seat.

Were you planning on doing your own hair and makeup?

Because I don't think that's a good idea.

As wren cleaned out the litter box of my cat who died six months ago

and eyelet dumped my old lo mein into the trash,

i had to wonder -- is this what friends do for each other?

♪ Rah, rah, rah-ah-ah ♪

♪ roma roma ma ♪

♪ ga-ga-ooh-la-la ♪

♪ want your bad romance ♪

♪ I want your love, and I want your revenge ♪

♪ you and me could write a bad romance ♪

♪ whoa-oh-oh, oh-oh, I want your love

♪ and all your lover's revenge ♪ these girls really knew how to get ready.

♪ You and me could write a bad romance ♪

♪ oh, whoa-oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ oh ♪

Hi.

Hi.

Wow. You are...

...wearing an enormous amount of fragrance.

Can't you say anything nice?

Well, had you employed a lighter touch --

never mind. Let me just grab the tiniest purse known to man,

and then we can go.

Whoa.

You don't even want to know where I had to stash my phone.

No phones. No -- no -- no wedding selfies.

Today's about focusing on a beauty other than your own.

Is there something funny?

You just called me beautiful.

I absolutely didn't. You indirectly did.

Henry, who is this beautiful girl on your arm?

Sir, this is eliza dooley. She works in sales.

Eliza dooley.

Wow. Uh, eliza, you -- you, uh...You look amazing.

Right?

"Thank you." Thank you.

"How are you?" How are you?

Good! Good!

And now, in lieu of vows,

and now, in lieu of vows,

Maureen will recite a poem she wrote for Terrance.

If I'm the fire, you're the spark.

If I'm the nest, you're my lark.

If I'm the lock, you're the key.

If I am hook, you are smee.

Did she say "smee"? Yes, I believe so.

If I'm the eye, you're the tear.

If I am bagel, you're my schmear.

If I'm the dark, you're the light.

If I'm the dark, you're the light.

As I listened to Maureen recite those crazy vows, it hit me --

i might get thousands of likes and retweets and favorites,

but it's entirely possible that no one will ever look at me

the way Terrance was looking at her.

♪ And I'd give up forever to touch you ♪

♪ 'cause I know that you feel me somehow ♪

So I did what I guess I've always done when I needed...

♪ You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be ♪ ...To distract myself from my feelings.

Do you, Terrance, take Maureen

to be your lawful wedded wife, to have and to ho--

to be your lawful wedded wife, to have and to ho--

sorry.

S-- thought it was on s-silent.

I'm not used to paying attention

to super-boring long stuff, okay?

No, it's not okay.

It's not just yourself you embarrassed.

I specifically said no phones. Okay, okay!

I specifically said no phones. Okay, okay!

God. Haven't you ever made a mistake before?!

Yeah, I have -- when I agreed to help you. Oh, really?

Are you helping me, or am i helping you?

don't think I didn't notice you didn't have a date for this event.

And literally anyone else in the world would have been a better choice.

So you admit it. Ah. I --

and it's no surprise you don't have a date,

because you are an unfun man.

"Unfun" is not a word.

And according to your ex-girlfriend's blog,

that's why she broke up with you, so... My ex-girlfriend?

Did you Google me? don't you dare Google me!

I was just confirming what I already know --

I was just confirming what I already know --

you're a holier-than-thou, judgmental,

hypercritical workaholic...

Coxcomb!

Oh, I'm a coxcomb?

Well, you, my dear, are a lost cause.

You're super mean!

The next day, I decided i was done socializing

and back to social networking.

You need to get off that phone, girl.

You charmonique's kid?

You gonna let her get some sleep tonight?

No.

No?

Why not?

Okay, hold up.

Did I just catch you showing interest

in somebody other than yourself?

I think you did.

Mm-hmm.

Well, whatever you're doing with Mr. man, it's working.

Well, whatever you're doing with Mr. man, it's working.

♪ I got chills ♪

♪ they're multiplyin' ♪ Henry!

Hey! Henry!

♪ And I'm losing control ♪ Henry! I can see you.

You live in a glass house.

♪ 'Cause the power you're supplyin' ♪

Henry?

♪ It's electrifyin' ♪

I'm not a lost cause.

What you're doing with me, it is working.

I swear.

Congratulations.

I need you. Please don't give up on me.

There's so much work left to do.

I mean...

All my friends' names start with "at" symbols.

I get all my news from buzzfeed.

I have a negative uber rating,

and I have never, ever shown up for jury duty.

I rarely call my mother.

I wasn't on my phone because I was bored.

That wedding gave me feels.

"Feels."

And that scared me,

and then I lashed out and I called you a coxcomb,

which was probably an incorrect use of the word.

No. I looked it up.

It's archaic, but it's dead on.

Okay.

Sounded a little bit like an apology.

And I totally forgive you.

And I totally forgive you.

And...

I'm sorry, too.

Very good.

Look.

It's medium rainfall on roof

with gentle overspill from gutters --

it's your favorite.

Eliza, don't.

You think that you're getting it,

but you're, in fact, missing it.

Yeah? So you're gonna show me how to get it?

Yeah? So you're gonna show me how to get it?

No. No, sir. Not when you say it like that.

What? Why do you have to make it so lurid?

I didn't. You did.

I did not. That's another thing we have to work on.

You shouldn't feel compelled to make everything so sexual.

And you shouldn't be so uptight.

I'm not uptight.

I'm formal. There's a difference.