Original subtitles

How about we put some of your stuff away?

I love this guy. I think you sound a bit too much now.

Shall I replace it with something else?

Hell... of...a... view.

Helluva view. That's nice, I like that.

Congratulations.

A smart suit, yeah?

He bought a singing machine!

You know what? I think I'm ready to meet your parents.

CAMERAS CLICK

Mum, this is so amazing.

I'm so proud of you. Double page spread, mashallah!

OK, lovely.

Few more.

Just a little less smiley.

Oh, you want us to be sad?

No, just not... happy.

By the way, my boyfriend Guy might come to dinner tonight, OK?

Wait, wait. I just remembered... I'm busy tonight.

Got it. Yeah, lovely. Thanks.

Thank you! Thanks.

Hold on, hold on. Mum, we planned this.

I'm busy.

Fine, I'll come to your dinner.

Is Guy paying? I wasn't inviting you.

# Ring, ring! ♪

Hey! Hello, sexy snuggle puff.

I'll take it, cheeky boy. Listen, about dinner tonight...

I booked a table for 7pm

at that really nice Lebanese restaurant

and I am so excited to meet them, Jamma.

OK... What, what?

Um, well, I was just making sure that, you know,

it won't be too hectic with your performance tonight.

Oh, no, I need a distraction.

I'd just be sat at home getting nervous.

Look, I am so touched you want to do this with me.

I know you've not had the easiest relationship with your parents,

but... you do realise you're changing the course of history

in your family now?

Yeah.

I am, aren't I?

Yeah.

Helluva view. Helluva view too.

Ahhh!

Please come.

SINGING ON TV

Oh, look, one of my old movies is playing in here.

What a coincidence.

Oh, that's you? Yes.

I acted in more than 45 films.

Wow.

Can I ask you about...

Let me show you my headshots, please.

This way, this way.

Today, I want you to paint what you see in the chair.

Oh!

Me, I see nothing. Then paint nothing.

People come from all over the world for my acting classes. Wow.

From where? Wapping, mainly.

Hi!

What are you painting?

My beauty spot icon, Farida Jamshidi.

Oh!

Uncle, I like it, I do.

But you can do so much less.

Mum, can I have a word?

My son Jamal. He's a very successful CEO of a yoghurt company.

Wow.

Dad, I said smart suit.

This is smart. It's fancy dress, man.

Yes, fancy.

Look, we have top modern game facilities here,

especially for the children.

That's amazing.

I think it's so important that kids get to be kids.

You can appeal to the first-tier tribunal

for the Immigration and Asylum Chamber.

Yeah, but that's £80 without the hearing.

Mum, I need to talk to you.

Jamal is the football manager.

You volunteer your time for free?

I do, actually, yeah.

I'm always going out of my way

to help my mum in any way I can, aren't I, Mum? Yeah.

I'm sure you would do the same for me. Yeah!

Aww.

Mum, what's going on?

What? I've already promised Guy.

He's all excited. That's not my fault.

It would mean a lot to me.

You think you are so special.

Hello.

What game are you playing?

Bureaucracy.

I don't think I know that one.

If you're not going to meet him,

at least have the courage to tell me why.

OK, fine. I'll say the reason.

And if it's the right one, you blink.

Is it because he's white?

OK. Is it because he's vegetarian?

Is it because I'm living with him instead of you?

You can't just blink on every one.

It's natural.

This ain't a zoo, lady!

Is it because he is a he?

I knew it! Mum, I'm not going to let you do this.

I need to change the course of history.

Enough. I'm not meeting your friend. Topic closed.

OK.

Thank you, Farida.

I think that's it.

Oh, not that's it.

I haven't shown you my GNVQ certificates.

Come, come. Come!

I was also a presenter on Lahore Radio in 1972...

CHEESY LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYS

Oh!

Sorry, I was looking for the toilet.

Actually, do you mind if I ask you a few questions?

Have you had any letters from the council recently?

Uh...

How long has the centre been running? A long time.

And you do the admin?

My wife's centre.

Yeah, I know about her, extensively.

What about you?

You're an Elvis fan?

Who is Elvis?

Your favourite singer, I assume.

Michael George.

Oh!

It's George Michael.

You like Michael George?

Yeah.

Michael George. OK.

Er... it was nice to chat to you.

Would you like to see my singing machine?

No.

Jamma?

Can you come upstairs, please? I need your opinion on an outfit.

Shut up!

Stop!

It's too much, isn't it?

It's a turtleneck. Who do I think I am, Michael Buble?

Is that what you're wearing?

I'm going to look like I'm taking you to court.

No. Look, you look great. Do I?

Yeah, you... you look really good.

It's just my family. Mm-hm,

you're worried they're going to hate me. No.

Look, I've never asked my mum to do this before.

And if it helps, I have never done anything like this before either.

Really? Dan was my longest relationship,

and he never wanted me to meet anyone.

I'm going to wear a trilby,

and you're going to support me in that choice, OK?

Could I get a glass of the... Riesling, please?

Jamma?

Um...

It's all a bit pricey, innit?

It's fun. Come on, special occasion, isn't it?

Yeah. I'll just get the... the water.

Tap water, the free one.

You know, whatever happens tonight, whatever gets said,

let's just remember... we're a team, OK?

Yeah.

Let me just call them and see how far they are, yeah?

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, Mum. Yeah, where are you?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Are you OK?

Jamma, what's happened?

They had a crash. What, a car crash?

Oh, my God. No, no, Mum, I can't hear you.

Just speak clearly. Forget the car!

No, of course we don't mind if you reschedule.

Where even are you?

Woking?

Jamma, isn't that your...?

How did you get there?

What? No, Guy will understand... The menu, ma'am?

I haven't come to see the menu. I've come to see Guy.

Have you tried calling the police?

Guy?

Jamma.

Mum?

Al?

I'm so glad you're all safe.

Do you have menus in French? No, sorry.

This is a Lebanese restaurant.

I've never had the lesbian food.

Well, it's so nice to finally meet you both.

And, Farida, it might be a bit forward and a tiny bit weird,

but I have actually got you something.

Oh, my God.

So posh!

Thank you, Guy.

You're very welcome.

We've got a gift for you too.

Have you? Yes.

This is for you. Ooh, what's this?

Ah!

Mangoes. Woo!

They smell amazing, Farida.

Thank you. My pleasure.

Dad, why have you brought your own eggs?

I like eggs.

All right, so are you ready to order, then? Er, yeah,

just checking one thing.

Guy, you're paying, right?

Jeez, man. Yes.

Yes, absolutely, Isaac.

Just get whatever you want.

Money is a bourgeois convention.

I'll get the devilled eggs, the shawarma,

a whole stack of pita...

Hey. You all right? ...and I'll get the skewers.

Drinks? Pomegranate juice.

Fattoush, I like the sound of that.

I'll get three of them.

So you are a singer, Alan?

His name's Guy, Dad.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm...

Well, I'm in a choir.

Ooh la la!

So, I'm not the only famous artist in the family.

Oh, he's family now?

Of course. I'm also an artist.

Well, we're all artists, Isaac.

I am also singer.

Saif, please.

He's not a singer.

Shall I come back, then?

Sorry, yeah.

Yo. Sorry my mum's being so weird.

Weird? She's being nice. Exactly.

She's got some kind of secret motive.

Come on, don't overthink it, Jam.

It's going really well.

Just enjoy it. I am. Guy?

Come!

If there was only one boiled egg for the dinner,

I would give half to Jamal and half to Isaac

and I would go to bed hungry.

It sounds like you were very resilient.

Yes.

Thank you.

Farida was just telling me how she opened the Megacentre,

and she taught English to over, what was it, 700 immigrants?

I mean, that's astonishing. Yeah, she loves her stats.

Mum, anything you want to ask about us?

Yes. Um, Guy, you want to be an actor?

I can show you one of my film clips.

No, Mum, he doesn't want to be an actor.

Well, hang on. Never say never. He's not an actor. He's a singer.

Therapist. When is your next show? It's not for ages.

No, it's tonight, actually.

Tonight? Mm-hm. Should we come? Yeah, if you'd like to.

That'd be great. Parking expires at 8pm.

8pm, exactly, yeah, so another time. No, no, no.

Your dad will wait in the car.

I'll come and I will support you.

Mum, can I have a quick word?

Sorry, I'm still eating.

So, Isaac, I've heard that you've already got a promotion.

Yeah, I got him...

It's just consumerism.

Like, this table is society.

The more I eat, the hungrier I get...

Guy, here, look.

This is one of my biggest...

Dad, I need to swap seats.

Guy, look at it.

I'll take a look...

ALL TALK AT ONCE

No!

You all right, Jamma?

Yeah. Yeah, just wanted to do a little speech.

Hello, everyone.

Welcome!

I'm humbled that you're all here,

especially you, Mum, because I know how difficult this has been for you.

It's not difficult for me.

Why would it be?

Because I'm the first in the family to do this.

You could say I'm changing the course of history.

He's so silly.

LAUGHTER

Why are you here, Mum?

I wanted to meet my new son.

Mum, why are you here?

Fine.

Ladies and gentlemen...

APPLAUSE

You know, I was the first girl in my town to ride a bicycle.

Ah!

And they called me whore.

CROWD GASP

How is this relevant? Sorry.

Mum, why don't you just tell us all

what you find so shocking about mine and Guy's relationship?

Shocking?

I have done more shocking things than you.

It's not a competition. Who said that it's a competition?

I've done drugs.

We all have done drugs, Jamal. What drugs have you done?

Once, I did the whisky. That's not a drug.

Alcohol's the worst drug!

Well, I've tasted bacon.

MORE GASPS

I killed a chicken with my bare hands.

I used to have a nipple piercing.

I was in love with a woman.

What? What does bacon taste like?

She's lying. That's a lie.

BOOING

Don't shame her! Sexuality's a spectrum, bro.

Well, me and Guy have anal sex!

Oh, my God. Jesus, Jamma.

What? I'm just being honest, like you should be, Mum.

About what? What you think of me and Guy. What do I think?

I don't know, that it's unnatural, that we shouldn't be together.

He's such a drama queen.

Is he like this with you? Er sometimes, yeah.

She didn't even want to meet you!

She recoils every time I say your name! Jamma, please.

She refers to you as my friend.

She'd give anything not to see me with a man,

especially one that's old enough to be my dad.

I never said any of that.

Well, no, yeah, but... you're obviously thinking it.

I'm not.

I think you're projecting, bro.

You can pay at the bar.

I need to go toilet.

Er, yeah, no... I'll get it.

No, Guy, please.

You are meeting my family.

I will pay it.

OK.

Isaac will pay it. Hmm?

What's your point, Dad?

HAND-DRIER DROWNS SPEECH

Dad, I can't actually hear...

I'm not, I'm not getting anything.

HAND-DRIER STOPS

12 abortions...

HAND-DRIER STARTS AGAIN

12 abortions? What?

HAND-DRIER STOPS

...no offence. Yeah, just don't dry your hands while you talk...

HAND-DRIER STARTS

INAUDIBLE SPEECH

It's just too much.

Sure.

Thank you.

Shukriya.

Oh, can you...?

What are you doing? Jamma, I'm about to go on.

I just want to say I'm sorry, OK?

But she did that on purpose. Did what?

She was trying to tell us something very vulnerable, Jamma.

No, no, no, you don't know her. She...

Look, this was meant to be my big moment.

OUR big moment. Yes. Yeah, no, our big moment,

and she hijacked it by claiming she's a drug addict lesbian. Right.

And then suddenly, it's the Farida show.

You know, it seemed like the Jamma show to me.

All right, bro? Yeah, thanks.

# When you cross the stormy waters

♪ Come walk ashore

♪ Bring your sons and bring your daughters

♪ Wander no more

♪ For our door is always open

♪ And our hearth is always warm

♪ When you need a place to shelter

♪ We're a harbour in the storm

♪ There'll be time for rest and sleeping

♪ Come walk ashore...

Why did you come tonight, Mum?

To change the course of our history.

♪ ..for peace and healing

♪ Wander no more

♪ For our door is always open

♪ And our hearth is always warm

♪ When you need a place to shelter

♪ We're a harbour in the storm

♪ For our door is always open

♪ And our hearth is always warm

♪ When you need a place to shelter

♪ We're a harbour in the storm. ♪