Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature

You're on the market research team. Say you love it, get 100 quid.

Your boss offered me a full time position. I'm divorcing your dad.

I'm asking him to hang this sign since three months!

How about we put some of your stuff away?

Honestly, I'll be out of here before you know it.

Badala Zamana by Zohra

Aaagh! Ow!

SONG CONTINUES

Aaagh!

Now I've said it, I can't stop. Right.

It's actually quite easy, isn't it? Like, I love you.

I really love you. I love you, Guy.

I love you, too. No, seriously, I fucking love you.

Mm-hm. Excuse me? I love this guy.

Oh, God.

Jamma, I think you're saying it a bit too much now.

Oh, what? It's losing its meaning?

Mmm, a little bit.

Shall I replace it with something else?

Can you?

Yeah. All right.

I...hey-a-lamav-you...

Hell... of...a... view?

Helluva view, that's nice, I like that.

OK, would you still love me... Mmm?

...if I spent the rest of the day like this?

It's not ideal, is it? But, yeah, I would. Really?

Mm-hm. You're weird. Am I? Yeah.

And what about if my ears were like this, would you still love me?

Whoa! How are you doing that?

I don't have any cartilage in them. What the fuck?

Oh, there we go, that lamp for your side of the bed. No.

No, no, no. I've got a flat viewing at Winnie's later, so all good.

Ah, OK. OK, what if every time you had an orgasm...

Mmm. ..I was like, "Fuck the police"?!

Guy.

Dan.

Hey.

Oh! I was enjoying that.

Are you Guy's new...?

Yeah, this is Jamma.

Jamma, this is Dan.

Hey, how's it going?

How's Custard?

Pretty unfazed by the whole thing, actually.

Just had three puppies.

Wow, three puppies.

Um, sorry, er, so Dan and I used to...

Oh! Hmm. Oh, shit.

He's hot.

I mean, he's fit too, isn't he? So it makes sense.

If anything, I'm letting the team down.

Trust me...

...you're not.

Er... OK. Well, we should probably make a move, then, right?

I thought you were gonna...?

No, I think we've seen everything we need to see here, haven't we?

OK, yeah. Yeah? Let's go. It's really good to see you, Dan.

You, too. Take care. You, too.

I think he was flirting with me.

His ex? Hmm. That doesn't make sense. I know.

No-one ever flirts with me. But this is how it works.

Now you're in a relationship, everyone's gonna want you.

That's not true. Mm-hm.

WOLF-WHISTLE

Did he just...? Told you.

Thank you.

Do I go after him? No.

A guy in your hand is worth two guys in your bush.

Winnie, I'm not gonna cheat on Guy.

Jam Jar, of course you are.

Everyone with self-esteem issues cheats.

Are you coming?

Oh, I like it already. And the best thing is, no neighbours.

Oh, party house! Yeah.

And party we shall.

It's a lovely flat...

...school... classroom.

So, how come you don't want to live with your boyfriend?

I just don't want to ruin it, you know?

And, like, his house is very nice and orderly and tidy.

Are you not tidy? Oh, no, no, no, I am tidy.

Yeah, no, I clean as a hobby.

PHONE BUZZES

Sorry. So sorry, it's my mum.

Oh, no, no, take it.

Should always make time for family. Yeah, man.

Hey, Mum, kind of busy right now.

Your dad is a useless coward mouse!

Shut up! Shut the fuck up!

I'm throwing him out! What, again? Mum.

He bought a singing machine.

It has a light-up panel.

MUM SHOUTS BACK IN URDU

Yeah, karaoke night? Sounds great.

Ta-ta, bye-bye for now!

So... how did you all meet?

Basil found me on Gumtree, where I find all my relationships.

Rob and I met at Cambridge,

and Julia and I at a protest for migrant rights.

You know, Jamma's family nearly got deported.

Oh, that must have been traumatic.

Not as traumatic as getting pubes, am I right?

So what's your best quality as a housemate?

Jamma can make his eyebrows dance.

I can, actually, yeah. Show them.

Winnie, I'm not gonna bore everyone with...

Show them. Give me a beat.

SHE BEATBOXES

And he can do it with his butt cheeks, too.

No, I'm not gonna... No-one wants to see that, Winnie.

I do. Basil does.

Oh, you ain't never seen a butt like this.

Butt, b-butt, butt, butt, butt, butt, b-butt, butt, butt.

Butt b-butt, butt, butt.

Butt, butt, butt, butt, butt...

SHE IMITATES HONKING HORN

Yay!

I can make a really good jacket potato.

So I should show you the room. The room, yeah, let's, yeah.

Oh, OK.

Here it is. Oh. Rent, it's 900 before bills.

Wow. Yeah, great.

It's amazing. It's so me.

Er, who was here before? A couple.

Didn't end well.

It never does, right?

Right.

So, I should give you my number...

...you know, in case you have any questions about the room.

Yeah, yeah, erm... Sorry.

Cheeky boys, get a room!

Preferably this one.

Erm, Rob says he's got a few more questions.

Yeah, er... yes.

WOLF-WHISTLE

HORN BEEPS

What's your number?

Oh, mate, come back! I'm taken!

Nah, money's a bourgeois convention.

You know, that's where I'm putting my vote.

I'm voting for my chakra,

that's where I'm voting.

Hi, yeah, that's...

He's done, yeah.

He's done here, yeah. Thank you.

OK, look, if you're really gonna do this, then let's do it together.

I'm just here to get a case study for art school.

Oh, so you're doing it ironically?

Yes.

Great.

You know this is like a serious career?

..you want to hide from all your problems.

OK, look, why don't we market ourselves like brothers?

We are brothers. People love that shit.

Cain and Abel, Mario and Luigi, Wallace and Gromit.

Gromit's a dog.

We can help each other get the good campaigns

cos you don't want a dud campaign. Hmm, like yoghurt. Yeah.

No, no, sorry, no,

that actually was really respected in the end cos of me. Hmm.

Do not go in there.

So, you got the tactic, yeah?

You big me up, I big you up.

I don't know what to say for you, though.

Come on, man, just say, "I've known Jamma my whole life.

"He was born to do this campaign, it's so him."

Etc, etc, OK?

Well done for settling in,

we'll be moving offices every six months from now on.

Why? It keeps ideas fresh.

Le Peau Peau face cream,

high-end retainer client based in Paris,

needs two people to fly out for the pitch.

If nobody minds, I'd like to volunteer myself.

I've got great skin. I actually lost my virginite in Paris,

so I would quite like to return and find it.

I think Isaac would be great on this, but maybe with, like,

an older brother figure to show him the ropes.

Hey? What do you say, bro?

I'll make my decision by the end of play.

Now, we've got a lot of new clients coming in...

You're supposed to big me up.

It was implied. ..so we really need to bring our A game.

Which brings me onto the Ekko chamber. Immersive headwear,

a way to experience podcasts without distractions.

No, thank you.

I've known Jamma my whole life. He was born to do this campaign,

it's so him, etc, etc. Shut up, shut up. Great!

All yours, Jamma.

Bad luck, Jam Jar.

Well done, bro. Cheers, yeah.

PHONE PINGS

It was great to meet you.

When are you free?

PHONE PINGS AGAIN

It's Basil, by the way.

So, the honeymoon's over, now the real work begins.

How was the Galapagos Islands? I hated it.

Because of the sunburn?

Oh, God, can you tell?

OK, come on, you two.

Maggie, Hannah, let's use the communication framework.

Maggie, you go first.

"When you do X, I feel X."

"I would like X..."

Oh, yeah, OK.

When you touched me, Hannah,

it was painful. I didn't want to have sex.

It was painful for me, too.

I just did it because I thought it was what you wanted.

And what did you want, Hannah?

After-sun. Me, too.

BOTH START TO LAUGH

Ow! Ow! Sorry.

Sorry.

All right, thank you very much. Thank you. Take care.

I'll see you next time, OK? Thank you. All right. Bye.

God.

MUFFLED SCREAM

HE SIGHS

Love the great outdoors. I didn't hear you come in.

Yeah, just, just now.

You been cycling? Yeah. Yeah?

What are you doing? What are you doing?

Aah! It's Marmite.

Marmite? Mm-hm. Marzipan.

Marzipan?

Nervousness, betrayal, deceit.

What did you say? It's like wood smoke.

You smell like a feral goat.

Can I ask you a question?

Of course you can.

Say your clients...

No, Jamma, we're not talking about my clients.

Yeah, no, but, like, hypothetically. Mm-hm.

Right, for ease, let's call them Maggie and Hannah.

Jamma! What? So you were listening?

I know, I'm... You can't do that, it's so unethical. I'm sorry.

Hey, I'm on your side, they're a pain in the arse.

Listen, if you're gonna talk about my clients hypothetically,

at least do something like change their names. Totally.

OK. Say Haggie got Mannah...

I mean, that's perfect, isn't it? ...a puppy, right?

But, while they were in the Galapololagos Islands or whatever,

Mannah discovered a new species of puppy.

That don't mean she don't love the puppy back home.

Yeah, I think I know what you're getting at.

Yeah. Custard.

What? The other dog.

You're wondering why Dan got custody.

Custody of Custard? Yeah.

I mean, there were just many issues in the relationship.

Well, what kind of issues?

Well, like... trust.

PHONE PINGS

You should get that, it's probably me.

PHONE PINGS AGAIN

Thanks.

Obviously, I'm fully aware my ex is very attractive.

Not as hot as you, though.

Really? I didn't really notice.

What ex? Oh, oh, him.

Yeah, no, I don't, I don't really see that kind of stuff. Thanks.

So, anyway, he would be flirting with anything that moved,

getting numbers behind my back.

PHONE BUZZES AGAIN

What a dick. Poor guy.

And Basil?

What?

Pass me the basil.

PHONE PINGS AGAIN

Oh, my God. I'll get that! It's fine.

You need to stop ignoring your mum.

It's an emergency, I need you home now! No...

You look, he's humiliating us in front of the whole neighbourhood!

How is this an emergency? Jamal!

Get out!

It's fine, Mum, look, he's getting out. Look.

SHE SHOUTS IN URDU

OK, get the spare key, Mum.

OK, there's a technique.

It's called "communication framework", all right?

So, you say, "When you do X, I feel X. I would like X."

You would like eggs? No, not eggs.

I like eggs. Look, forget the eggs.

Mum, just tell me what happened.

Yeah, appreciate the Gola pencil case.

What's this got to do with the karaoke machine?

Congratulations. Thank you.

A singing machine!

Yeah, OK, and how do you feel?

Donkey.

You feel "donkey"? He's a coward mouse.

No, Mum, that's not how you feel. That's how I feel.

You're doing it wrong. I need to go toilet.

No, no, no. Mum, "I would like..."

I would like him to stop making me embarrassed in front of my public.

Great, good. OK, Dad, what would you like?

I would like...

...singing machine.

SHE RANTS IN URDU

HE ARGUES BACK

Everyone...

Good news, that tactic worked.

Me and the boss spoke and... she wants us to do the Paris campaign.

Paris? We got Le Peau Peau? Yeah, me and... and Pat.

What do you mean, Pat?

She said he's the perfect big brother figure.

Wait, what? Anyway, got to go learn French.

No, no, Isaac. I'm literally your big brother.

Singing machine!

SHE CONTINUES RANTING

Dad, man, just get a refund for the stupid machine.

A smart suit, yeah? Promise me.

Mum, just let him move back in.

The car's starting to smell.

You think living together helps? He hasn't touched me in 20 years.

Have you tried telling him you love him?

Love?

Love is not enough, Jamal.

PHONE PINGS

Do you wanna get a drink?

Ahem.

Hey.

I need to talk to you.

I'm having an affair. What?

It's a guy I met at the house viewing, his name is Basil.

I know, what kind of dickhead name is Basil?

OK, Jamma, slow down.

No, he's been texting me, trying to hook up. And have you?

No... Right. ..but I just, I knew this would happen.

As soon as I say, "I love you," I let you down.

But you haven't slept with anyone?

No, no, but it's really hard not to, OK?

Everyone is literally throwing themselves at me.

Anything else? Mate, I'm not interested.

See what I mean?

It's like suddenly everyone's realised I'm drop dead gorgeous.

Jamma, do you know what? I think that maybe...

Oh, what, what? You don't believe people find me hot?

I'm not saying that. OK. No...

Oh, look, Mr Basil Brush has left a voice note.

Let's listen to this filth, shall we?

Hey, you're not replying,

so I'm gonna have to say this in a voice note.

We decided to go in a different direction

with the housemate situation, that's why I wanted to meet.

We thought it was more ethical to tell you in person.

It's full of subtext.

Anyway, no subtext,

just wanted to let you know that it's nothing personal.

We loved your butt dance. Butt dance? OK, do you know what?

Forget it. What about your ex-boyfriend, then?

At the furniture shop, he was giving me the eyes.

He was trying to get back at me. For what?

You know I said that, in our relationship,

myself and Dan had issues with trust?

Well, at the end of the day, it was me that broke that agreement.

What do you mean?

I slept with someone else.

Why didn't you tell me?

Because I didn't want to lose your trust...

...and now you're upset with me.

So, let me get this right.

Dan wasn't flirting with me because he found me hot?

He was being manipulative.

Probably a bit of both, though, right?

No. OK. Great, so no-one finds me hot.

Well, I do. Yeah, I know you do - that doesn't count.

Look, I... I don't care about your previous relationships,

I just know that I love you,

but I don't want to pretend that we don't find other people hot.

Yeah, absolutely. So, let's just keep the dialogue open

and keep this light and sexy, yeah?

Yeah. Yeah?

Do you still love me? Helluva view.

RHYTHMIC THUMPING

Fuck the police!

GUY LAUGHS