Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

INSECTS BUZZ

A-hem. Sit down.

I've never had to call you in here before.

It won't happen again. What won't?

I-I don't know.

Whatever it was?

I only call people in here for one of two reasons.

To promote...

...or to fire.

If this is about the silly walks, I can explain...

Sh!

I'm promoting you to the market research team.

You'll lead the focus group tomorrow.

There's been a dropout, you need to find a replacement.

Yeah, absolutely!

Thank you!

Don't you want to know the campaign?

Yes, yes, no, sorry.

YoggoLad.

The yoghurt for men?

Yes. Is that a problem?

I...

No, no, I love yoghurt, and I love men,

and I love you! No.

No. Yeah.

Should...? Yeah, OK, cool.

You should do something about that.

Aaaah! Oh, fuck off! Yes!

You absolute tosser! Oh, my God, you got a promotion!

Oh, do the silly-walk thing!

No, no, I have to go. Oh, come on! Come on, do one!

You know I'm really shy!

Do a silly walk, please! One silly walk for us!

Yeah!

Go, Jam! Go, Jam! Go, Jam!

Go, Jam!

So good! Another one, another one! Yeah, come on, come on.

Stop it! I hate attention!

Oh, you've gone.

HORN BEEPS

Come on!

Get out the road!

Come on!

Like, when I'm on a date

and I'm in bed with them,

I always suck my stomach in.

Why do you think that is?

I don't know.

I feel like you do.

Because it's vulnerable.

I guess I would with a life partner,

but not with someone I'm not committed to.

Do you know what I mean?

I've been thinking a lot about my childhood trauma.

Fuck yeah!

Oh, er, that's...

Is that something you'd be comfortable to talk about?

Take care, and I will see you again soon.

OK, bye.

I thought we talked about the miming thing.

What was it, trust issues? That is highly confidential.

It's always the parents' fault, though, innit?

Show me.

"A market research star is born."

Innit?! Yeah!

Congrats. I'm going to laminate this.

Yeah. Seriously, I'm going to frame it and laminate it.

Get in, get in.

Look, I've got a couple of hours before my next client,

so how about...

...we put some of your stuff away?

Uhh!

Why? This is a lot of stuff. Uhh!

Is it? You can put it in... here.

Honestly, I'll be out of here before you know it.

Oh, don't say that.

You can stay as long as you want, you can keep all your stuff...

No, no, no, no, no, no, please, no, I'm not doing Toro Toro.

Please, just a quick one. You're so annoying. Yeah!

He's coming! BOTH SHOUT

Ah-ha, you vampire!

Vampire! Vampire? He's a bull.

Toro Toro? Oh, my God, what do you think it means?

Vampire Vampire, no? It's a bu...

Wow. This ain't going to work. No, I know.

No, I'm sorry, we... A what? All this time, you...

I love your house, you know. Thank you.

It, like, makes me feel like an adult. You ARE an adult.

Come here.

You know, maybe we could make you being here a more permanent thing.

Are you, um...?

HIGH-PITCHED WHINE BUILDS

Are you holding your stomach in?

No.

WHINE STOPS

Love is a lie.

Your partner will let you down.

Your children... will abandon you.

And then... death!

A painful death.

So, what is acting?

Acting is pain.

And if the audience doesn't feel that pain,

it means you are not a good actor.

Yes, Daisy?

Can I go to the toilet?

If an actor at the Palladium wants to go for the pee-pee,

what do you think, the audience will wait for him?

Come on, Daisy! Very unprofessional.

Hai! Hai!

How's she doing without me?

She spits every time I mention your name. Ah.

This month, we are going to do a drama called War Horse.

I have rewritten it

to make it better.

I can't read.

Then you came to the rehearsal unprepared!

Come on, go to Isaac for warm up.

All right, who's done stage combat before?

CHILDREN SHOUT

All right, now punch! Punch like a horse!

Mumsy...! No!

Mum, everyone moves out eventually, it's normal.

Let her grieve, man! It's normal for you.

I've got good news. I don't have time for your good news.

You sure? Really big day for me. Me too.

I'm auditioning Mustafa for the lead horse.

Mum, you're doing it again.

Doing what? Making it about you.

When do I ever make it about me?

Go on.

I'm divorcing your dad. What?! Why?!

I'm asking him to hang this sign in the corridor since three months.

OK, Mum, you can't divorce him for that. Yeah, she can!

OK, well, I'm really sorry to hear about your situation,

but at least my good news has made you feel better.

Now who is making it about themself?

Let's go! Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy, girl, easy.

Be right back!

Hold up.

Bro, this is great, man.

It is pretty cool, innit? You must be so proud.

Feel the quality of that paper! Wow. Yeah? Yeah.

My colleagues are really proud of me.

Promotions are great. Innit? Yeah, you sold your soul. Exactly.

Wait, what? This is how they get you.

Wait, wait, what are you talking about?

Today, you got promoted.

Tomorrow, you're getting a knighthood.

And the next thing you know,

the bloodshed of colonialism is on your hands.

MBE, do you know what that stands for? What?

Member of the British Empire.

Oh, OK. Yeah, so... we done been that.

Are you trying to borrow money?

Just a tenner. Unbelievable! Dude, come on!

Give back to the hood. You need to learn how to fish!

What are you talking about fish? I don't like fish!

Do you want to make some money? No. Yeah?

I'll pick you up tomorrow at eight, show you the real world.

PM? AM!

All right, cool, I'll just leave it here, yeah?

Son? Yeah?

What? What? Yes. Huh?

What do you want? You were going to say something!

Was I?

PHONE CHIMES

I've got to go. It's Guy.

Anything you want to add? Shall I send your love to Guy?

My Guy.

My boyfriend, Guy!

I thought his name was Alan.

Cool! Good chat!

So your name's Owen. No, it's not.

It is, cos that's the guy who pulled out.

Oh, so I'm helping you out? No, I'm helping you out.

Listen... Yeah, I'm listening. ...it's called market research. Yeah.

It's a yoghurt for men. That doesn't make sense.

OK, but all you have to do is eat the thing, say you love it,

you get 100 quid! No can do.

Why not? It's dirty money. It's just a yoghurt.

Well, I don't fuck with yoghurt.

Oh, and the demographic is male professionals, OK?

So don't do your roadman ting, it's not Chicken Cottage.

You're just profiling me! And Chicken Cottage.

Just don't be yourself. What?

What are you wearing? You could have ironed your top.

Whoa! It's crinkle cut. I made it myself.

Yeah, I can tell!

Wear this, don't take it off. Oh, really?

Bro! No, don't call me "bro".

We're not allowed to bring in family or friends.

It's the real world in there, man.

You've got to bring your A-game.

Yeah?

Johnny! All hail the yoghurt king!

Stop it, Chloe, you're such a big flirt!

See?

Respected.

This is where you work? Magical, innit?

Why does it look like a nursery?

Jam-Jar!

Wing-Wings!

Who's the hot new guy?

We have a hot new guy?

Oh, hey, I'm Isaac.

His brother.

Here for the yoghurt-tasting thing?

That is an amazing coat.

Oh, that's... Let me take you through.

So tea, coffee, prosecco?

That's actually my amazing coat.

The testicles of mice fed a yoghurt diet

were 10% bigger than those on a regular diet.

That's whet your appetite, innit?

So this campaign is a tongue-in-cheek "Oi-oi"...

Oi-oi! ..to all lads.

It's not just yoghurt, it's yoghurt...

For men.

Genius. I think it could be our best yet.

OK, so slogan, which one grabs us more?

"Hairy dairy" or "Creme de la men"?

I like "hairy dairy". Not too many syllables. Yes, thank you!

Let's keep the syllables where they belong,

in the dictionary.

Yes, so tuck in.

All feedback is welcome. Be honest.

Yeah. I'll be honest. Great!

Dairy industry, that's a messed-up place.

You ever locked eyes with a cow? They can hear you.

Of course they can hear me, bro, government's tapped in.

Hold on, sorry... Are you two related?

No! Yeah.

Great. Shall we do the forms? Pat, do you want to give out the forms?

Jam's the best bit, anyway.

It must be serious if she's got him in the jungle.

Do you know how long he's been in there?

A bit too long, mate.

She's probably got the hots for him. Is it just me,

or his coat the sexiest fucking thing you've ever seen?

Oh, my God, that is what I said!

Oh, he's coming, he's coming, he's coming!

What did she say?

She asked me how old I think she is.

What did you say? 55.

She's 44...

...today! Oh.

Well, I wasn't going to lie, was I?

OK, great.

Anyway, I'm out. Laters.

He's your brother? No...

Are you calling me a racist?

OK, sorry, I only got him in cos someone pulled out.

By the way, I think this campaign is remarkable.

You know what I like about him? He's not a suck-up.

Yeah, no, suck-ups are the worst.

And I REALLY like his coat.

No, he actually cut the yoghurt in half. Wow, that's clever!

No, no, no, it's not. Oh, God, no, sorry, yes, yes, you're right,

I forgot who the baddie was - what a bastard!

He's just doing what my mum does, barging in, stealing my thunder.

It's attention-seeking, man, I hate it!

How's this one? Yeah, it's...

...it's great, haven't you already got a coat?

Yeah, I need a better one for the office party.

That one's £370.

Fuck me!

For a coat? Hmm.

Do you refunds? 30 days, tag still on.

Deal.

What?

What's that look in your eyes? What look?

Why are you looking at me like that? I'm not. Yeah, you are.

What? Just that face. What face? What's that face? It's my face.

It's not, though. It is.

It's something different, that's not your face.

No, it's nothing. I just love you.

Uh...

Ooh.

Sorry, can we just...?

What are you doing? Sorry, I wasn't...

I wasn't actually, uh... What?

...planning on saying that in here.

Yeah, no, no, it's fine.

Yeah, it's fine. Yeah, yeah, I just...

Well, it's true, Jamma. I, er...

I love you.

All right, yeah, cool, yeah.

What?

Nothing, I said...

"All right,

"yeah, cool, yeah."

RUMBLING

Are you...?

Oh, shit, careful, careful, we need to leave, we need to leave.

Jamma...

Your house seems smaller!

Well, yeah, it's all your stuff.

I-I need to leave.

Where? My mum, the community centre.

Jamma, what time is the party tonight?

Because, you know, maybe I should come...

The kids! Are you OK?

He's completely freaking out. What a bellend.

HE SHOUTS

All right! Everyone in formation now!

Come on, formation! Let me see formation!

Jammie, is there something you need to talk about?

What? He just came out with it, I panicked!

Oh, wake up!

Can we carry on with the match now? Jammie's life is more important.

Yeah, Halima, that was really selfish.

OK, everyone, take a deep breath.

Jammie, look at me.

Do you love him?

I love his face.

He's a really good cook.

Um... He has a dryer.

But how am I meant to know what love feels like?

Let me break it down for you.

Think of something you love.

Cake. Cake!

I have had it, officially! Come on! Grow up.

What if I'm just using him to get away from my family?

Jammie, if you do truly love him...

...you have to tell him.

I'm a horse, and I declare a war!

Yeah, that's not War Horse.

Love is a lie!

You're a useless horse, you must die!

Artistic license, bro.

More passion!

Fire, fire, run!

But we don't know where the fire exit is.

Well, maybe you should have hung it up in time!

CHILDREN SCREAM

OK.

HEATED CONVERSATION

But how am I meant to know what love feels like?

Think of something you love...

Mm! Cake!

I love you.

I love you, I love you...

I think if we're going to live together,

I think we should just be really comfortable with each other.

I'm comfortable. Yeah?

Were you going to say something?

We're late for the party!

Jamma, Jamma, Jamma, Jamma.

We're good, right? Everything's fine?

Yeah, we're fine, yeah. Forget I said anything.

All your boxes, they can stay where they are. OK, cool!

Help me up!

Jamma! Hey!

Oh, wow, OK, OK, so it's a party party.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How's the coat?

Oh, my God, it's so great. Yeah?

Can I take your coat, sir? Absolutely not, no!

The cheek.

It's going to be really good to play as a team.

Yeah, isn't it? It's really good. Yeah, yeah, really good.

OK, if I get stuck with anyone I don't like, I'll do this.

And then you have to come and get me out, OK?

Yeah, fine, OK, well, I'll do...

If I get stuck with someone, I will...

I'll do the same. Yeah, OK, cool.

Toro Toro!

Oh, shit on a stick, you must be Jamma's boy...

Boyfriend, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just so you know, there's absolutely nothing wrong with... you know.

I actually think it's really cool.

Sorry, just...

Sorry, erm...

One sec. OK.

So which one of you's the woman in the relationship?

Deep state, yeah! Sorry.

Oh, hey, how's it going? What's up, bro?

What are you doing here? I invited him, obviously.

Hey, happy birthday! Don't patronise me.

Sorry, no, yeah.

I wanted to talk to Isaac about YoggoLad.

Again, I'm so sorry about what happened. Basically...

Marcus loved it. I loved it!

The whole tearing the packet apart, very manly.

How did you come up with it?

I just like the jam.

Oh, that's awkward, bro!

It's not called jam in the industry, is it? It's called conserve.

I wanted to ask about the magazine.

Can I get a few more copies? Cos everyone's been bugging me.

Your coat... Oh, right, yeah, thanks.

No, no, no, no. The tag's still on.

Oh, OK, yeah... I'll get it.

Oh, no, no, no, don't worry. No, no, I don't mind.

No, do you know what? Don't worry.

You're my boss, you shouldn't be doing my...

There you go. Oh, that's so kind of you.

Come, Marcus.

Bro, what the hell? Nah, man, I'm just here to get my coin.

OK, bro, you just send an invoice. What's that?

Oh... Winnie's found a pill!

Last one, who wants it? Whoa, whoa, whoa, Winnie!

Jesus! He's like, 12 years old!

What? No, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I did that out of duty.

I was not going to take that anyway. Yeah, sure.

You really don't know who I am, do you?

I didn't really know my dad,

so we don't know who we're supposed to be angry at,

and so I just took it all out on my mum. Mm.

Yeah, well, from what you've told me,

it seems like your mum did the best she could in

very difficult circumstances.

Awareness is the first step to change,

and if these behavioural patterns no longer serve you,

you have got the choice to let them go.

Yeah.

HE SOBS

Oh. Yeah.

So w-w-what do you do as a job?

I'm a therapist. Fuck off! For real? Yeah.

Maybe you could be my therapist.

No, that would be highly inappropriate.

Do you think I should go over there? It's just been ages.

It's like, you know, what are they chatting about?

Are you sure you're not too hot in that thing?

No, no, no, totally fine!

Jamma! Oh, hello! I'm Winnie, what do you do?

Hi, Winnie, I'm a...

I'm a dentist! Oh, OK! Yeah. Oh, OK!

Jamma! There you are!

There YOU are! Where you been?!

Well, I've just been having a really dull conversation.

You won't believe what. What? I dropped a pill!

Really? I was going to suggest we should probably leave.

Come on, we're working as a team!

You've just taken ecstasy. Yeah!

To empathise with you.

Hey, my guys, how's it going?

Oh, hi, Isaac. How are you? Good, man.

Bro, your boss just offered me a full-time position.

What? That's... That's amazing, Isaac, congratulations.

Well, no, you're not going to do it, are you?

Because it's like... colonialism and stuff.

Nah. I'll give it a go.

All right, look, Jamma, I'm up early,

so I'm just going to leave, OK?

Can you believe how selfish he's being?!

I'm sorry, no, no, you can't just...

It's like I don't exist, hello!

Watch the fucking coat!

I'm just going to leave. Why? I'll see you at home.

But we're having fun, man! Jamma, is that your boyfriend?

Do you think he can look at my molar? Cos...

Hey, are you feeling it? Yeah, best high of my life.

Oh, my God, I love this song!

Come and dance!

Oh, no, no, no. I can't dance. No, no. OK.

Oh, no, no, no, I just...

No, no, sorry, I'm just...

OK, all right, all right!

What you're holding may look like a piece of cake,

um, but it's actually a piece of art.

Baking is art,

and-and art is... political.

That guy's amazing. Tell me again...

Fuck's sake, no, he's not!

Everyone just fancies him for some reason.

I like to think that awareness

is the first step towards meaningful change, right?

And if these behaviour patterns don't serve you any more,

you have got to just let them go, man.

Anyway, I wasn't talking about your brother,

I was talking about your boyfriend. What a loving man.

I've got to get out of here. Hey, dude...

Beautiful coat.

It's a little bit gay, though.

HE LAUGHS

Fuck's sake.

SOFT MUSIC

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

MUSIC AND SIRENS

Oh, fuck.

WOMEN LAUGH

PHONE VIBRATES

Hello?

I've changed my mind.

I'm not going to divorce your dad.

Oh, wow.

He really knows how to surprise me.

Isn't it beautiful?!

Mum, that's amazing,

I'm so glad you could find it in your heart to just...

Let go.

Yeah, exactly.

Let go!

Let go.

Don't be weird, Jamal!

Let go! BELL RINGS

Let go!

HE GASPS

Let go...

APPLAUSE

Oh, no, Jamma, Jamma, no...

I'm up in four hours.

I know, just hear me out.

OK...

You know when you said you loved me?

It made me feel... valued and important and...

...I'm not used to that.

So I find it easier to be a bit of a dick

than to admit that...

...maybe someone actually loves me for who I really am.

But despite that, I just want to say...

..like, I just fucking love what you, like,

like, I love your hair, your hair's like, the follicles are so thick,

and I would, honestly, no, like, no, no, no, real talk!

Do you know what I mean?! It's like...

I just really appreciate your interior design.

Let me get you some water. Yeah. Yeah? Yeah, mm...

Yeah! OK.

Well, it's just cos you got to believe in yourself and...

Oh, my God, your bedsheets are amazing...

You know what?

I think I'm ready to meet your parents.

HIGH-PITCHED WHINE BUILDS

Aaah! What the fu...?!