Original subtitles

- [Gharty] You're upset. - [Ballard] I'm not.

Embarrassed?

Stu, I'm fine with it, really, okay?

It's just, I-- I don't understand why--

why would anyone call me your wife?

[Gharty] I don't know. She thought we were married, maybe.

Us?

We eat at Jimmy's three times a week, always the two of us.

I'm a man and you're a woman, she's our waitress.

[Ballard] So?

[Gharty] So she made an assumption.

- It's all natural. - Yeah, well, she should mind her own business.

[Gharty] I don't know what's bothering you, Ballard.

I would think you'd be flattered.

Oh, I'm too old to be your husband, is that it?

I'm too fat?

I'm a slob? I-- I spill gravy on my pants,

is that why you'd never marry me?

Okay, could you give it a rest?

Okay, because I never said I'd never marry you.

Well-- well, y-y-you mean you would?

I mean, would you?

- [Ballard] Sure. - Really?

Yes, Stu, okay? I would marry you.

I would love you and I would live with you happily ever after,

until death or divorce do us part, all right?

- All right. - Okay, I'm gonna go in.

[indistinct police dispatches]

[Salerno] The victim's name is Phillip Longley.

Date of birth 4/7/67.

He left this on top of the dryer.

Still a couple of twenties inside.

Rules out robbery.

Tox says his neck is broken.

Hey!

I give the diagnoses around here, if you don't mind.

Go ahead.

His neck is broken.

Got your murder weapon right there.

Someone hits him over the head with a gallon of liquid detergent,

and he hits the machine on the way down.

I'll have that processed for prints.

Uh, who found the body?

Cordelia Evans.

She owns this place,

and she stepped outside for some air.

Want me to talk to Miss Evans?

I'll go, honey.

[Gharty chuckling]

What was that all about?

Don't ask.

[*]

[theme music playing]

[radio static]

[*]

[male voice] Homicide.

[*]

What's a nice Jewish boy like me doing on his knees

in front of the altar of Donner and Blitzen?

Christmas isn't even a Christian holiday anymore,

it's all about retail.

Boy you are so cynical, Munch.

I mean, the reason why we're putting the spit-shine on our bar here

is so we can get money from the Christmas crowd

celebrating the birth of our savior.

Hopefully visiting us in our humble inn

and knocking back a few brewskies.

Your savior, not mine.

Come on, John, it's the spirit of things,

the gesture, that's what counts.

- Gesture! - Yeah, Billie Lou's right.

You know, all of us together working towards the common good,

sharing our burdens, sharing our joy.

Well, how's about this sentiment?

If we don't get some crowd in here tomorrow night,

I mean some serious drinkers drowning out their Christmas blues,

we won't have any floors to scrub by New Year's.

Yeah, listen, I'm-- I'm out of here, guys.

What do you mean, out of here?

Christmas shopping. Gotta beat the rush, you know.

You seen those bathrooms?

I've seen mangers that are cleaner.

Well, if Bayliss is gonna bail,

I guess I might as well get out of here, too.

[Billie Lou] Me, too, I gotta get a present for my mother.

What is this, John Munch's one-man rag-mount band?

Hey, just finish mopping up this little bit of floor,

won't have to take care of the bathroom.

And I'll get the kitchen when I get back.

Yeah, sure, okay.

Go have a merry time, buying your pretty little presents.

Let the Yid stay behind, and clean the toilets.

Hey, Munch, you're gonna make some

poor orphan a nice Jewish mother some day.

[sighing]

Chosen people! Feh!

Hey, boyo.

If I knew that you scrubbed floors,

I might not have been so quick to file for divorce.

[Munch] I'll be damned.

Is that any way to greet your ex-wife?

[Munch] First my partners leave me here to wallow in ammonia,

and then you appear out of thin air.

I went by the police station, they told me where to find you.

Boy, you own a bar now.

That doesn't seem like you.

Excuse me?

'Course, I never did know what to make of you.

Well, a husband sure wasn't the answer.

Gwen, what the hell are you doing here?

My mom died.

Took the train up from New York this morning.

[sighing] I'm sorry.

Really?

Of course not. Your mother loathed me, and I loathed her right back.

[Gwen] No, she didn't loathe you.

She despised me.

- [Gwen] No. - She disliked me?

Okay, maybe loathe is the word.

[sighing]

I think we've reached the innermost circle of this semantic hell.

What in God's name do you want from me, Gwen?

Your help.

The only way I can see myself being of

particular use to you is if your mother...

What?

Foul play, a suspicious death.

Some cruelty, maybe violence.

Sorry to disappoint.

She died in her sleep, heart attack.

Well, you win some, you lose some.

Did you know the victim, Miss Evans?

Oh, he's in here every couple of weeks.

Mr. Longley liked to do his washing

early in the morning, when the machines are free.

What time did Mr. Longley come?

[Miss Evans] About 6:30. It was just me and him.

Mm-hmm.

Did you see what happened?

No, sir. Like I said, the place was empty.

Mr. Longley needed quarters for the dryer.

I go in the back to make change, and when I come out...

he's dead on the floor.

[indistinct police dispatches]

Oh, say, did you know you got gravy stains on your pants?

Yeah, I know.

[Miss Evans] Well, those are murder to get out.

[holiday music playing]

Excuse me, Miss, I'm looking for, uh...

- [both chuckling] - Eight lords a-leaping, and--

- Hello, Bayliss. - How you doing?

- Good. Good. - Good, good.

You Christmas shopping, too?

Well, I'm trying to.

I figure if I get a gift a day, I might just make it.

Yeah, that's a good plan.

Yeah, except my mother is absolutely impossible,

and we have exactly opposite tastes.

And every year, she accuses me of buying something for myself

and trying to give it to her.

What do you think about this?

- That's beautiful. - Yeah, I think so, too.

- I actually love it. - You do?

Well, that means that she'll hate it, right?

- [Cox] You do catch on quick, don't you? - Yeah, I do.

Well, Mother might just have to

settle for a gift certificate this year.

- Right. - See you later.

[Bayliss] Oh, you're leaving, are you?

- Yeah, I was gonna go. - Okay, good.

Hey, Julianna, uh...

See, you're not doing anything tomorrow night,

why don't you stop by the bar?

Yeah, I mean, we're going to have a, uh,

you know, Yuletide gathering with mirth, joy,

woo hoo!, trimming the tree, you know, silly stuff.

- Eggnog? - On tap.

- I'll be there. - You'll be there?

- Yeah. I'll be there. - Okay.

All right, okay. "I'll be there"? Dumb...

[Gharty] I've got an address on Longley's parents.

Richard and Margaret, 4201 North Rolling Road.

- [Ballard] What's that, Irvington? - Catonsville.

- You wanna head out? - After we stop by the ME's.

Cox finished the preliminaries?

She called and said she found something,

could we come over, so let's go, honey.

Hey, d'you hear that? She called him honey.

[Lewis] Uh-huh.

You never call me that.

[Lewis] In my dreams I do, Falsone.

Yeah, I should have caught this at the scene.

I don't know, I saw the broken neck.

I guess I just got lazy.

- Whoa! - What is that, some kind of disease?

- A chemical reaction. - To what?

Sodium hypochlorite.

Otherwise known as household bleach.

We see it sometimes in children.

They get underneath the kitchen sink, and swallow all sorts of poison.

Is there anything else in his system?

Drugs, alcohol, uh, fabric softener?

Well, I'm having the lab run some extra tests.

And as soon as we hear anything, I will let you know.

- All right? - All right. - [Gharty] Yeah.

[*]

[Gharty] Mr. and Mrs. Longley?

Hello? Mr. and Mrs. Longley?

I'm Detective Gharty, this is my partner, Detective Ballard.

I'm-- I'm really sorry, sir.

Just last week, my neighbor across the street, Lou Crenshaw,

was held up at gunpoint as he got out of his car.

Richard, please.

Round the corner, old Mrs. Finney,

stabbed in the back for $10 in change.

Your son wasn't robbed, Mr. Longley.

We found $40 in cash in his wallet.

Now, your son may have been the victim of a random crime,

but we have to consider other possibilities.

Did Phillip ever mention any trouble at work?

- [Mrs. Longley] No. - Problems with money?

He never had enough.

Girlfriends?

He always had too many.

How do we get in touch with some of those girlfriends?

I'll look for his address book.

[Ballard] You want A through N, or O through Z?

Let's go back and get another car.

[Gharty] You got it.

Phil and I had an open relationship.

You know what I mean?

- [Gharty] Uh, um... - It was cool.

My students loved Phil.

He used to come by and do magic tricks,

pull eggs out of their ears.

How long were you two together?

[teacher] Three years, almost.

Phil only got angry when he was hungry.

Did he ever hit you?

He threatened to.

But hand him a sandwich, he'd settle right down.

When we first got together, he wrote me poems.

[Ballard] That must have been nice.

You haven't read them.

The man couldn't rhyme to save his life.

Phillip was...

wild.

[woman] He was shy.

I'd say vain.

Modest.

- [woman] Tough. - Sensitive.

- Shallow. - Deep.

An absolute genius.

[woman] A complete idiot.

Pick an adjective, we got it covered.

Seems Longley's personality was as varied

as his choice in partners.

Yeah, and them man had quite a selection.

Marine biologist, third grade teacher, topless dancer.

Any suspects among them?

Unfortunately, no.

Whatever these women thought of Longley, none had a reason to kill him.

What about the detergent bottle? Any fingerprints?

Prints, yes, but no hit.

[Giardello] And the bleach?

I wish we knew, Lieutenant.

I mean, there's no doubt it's linked to the death,

but as of now, the bleach remains a mystery.

Well, I got another one for you.

Here are the lab results from your laundromat murder.

Phillip Longley was HIV positive.

[*]

[phone ringing]

[indistinct chatter]

- Hey, Mike. - Julianna.

- Is that the Mahoney file? - Yeah.

Falsone left it out on his desk like some kind of exhibit.

I swear, I'm gonna whack that guy one day.

Okay, I haven't spoken to you since we talked last.

How did it go with Lewis and Stivers?

How did what go?

Georgia Rae, the-- the videotape?

I haven't told them yet.

Mike, why not?

Look, I just haven't found the right time, okay?

I mean, I figured I'll wait until after Christmas.

What?

And then what, you wait 'til after New Year's,

'til after Valentine's Day?

Mike, no, there's not gonna be a right time.

- You need to just talk to them and get it over with. - Fine.

[Cox sighing]

Russell Baker, Anne Tyler, Gore Vidal, Peter Maas.

For the love of God, this is not a funeral,

it's a-- it's an edition of "Who's Who In America".

My mother wrote some heavy literary criticism for a while there.

New York publications, mostly.

Oh...

so I take it that you'll want our largest repose room for the wake?

Mm-hmm.

[machine whirring]

The inlaid mahogany.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

[funeral director] The deluxe floral package?

You bet.

[machine whirring]

[paper crinkling]

Oh, wow...

see, I can make some adjustments here...

Come with me.

[Munch clearing throat]

- [funeral director] Excuse me... - Yeah.

Hey, you're gonna wanna cut corners

when half the celebrities on the East Coast

are gonna be here paying their respects?

Family discount, Bernie. [speaking Yiddish]

Maybe some other [indistinct] will discount this for you, but not me.

- Bernie! - [Bernie] No.

- When you had no connections... - Come on, John.

When you asked your brother, the homicide cop,

to pass out a few business cards,

to make a few quiet suggestions to the relatives of those

recently and violently departed, who was there for you, hmm?

[machine whirring]

You're too kind, Bernie.

Yeah, a real Mensch.

What time did Mrs. Longley say she was coming?

4:30.

I'm just thinking that you and she should talk alone,

sort of a woman-woman thing.

It might be easier, uh...

You're not getting out of this, Gharty.

Who would've guessed the guy had AIDS?

He didn't have AIDS, he was HIV positive.

- Same thing. - [Ballard] No, it isn't.

Detective Gharty?

- Mrs. Longley. - I'm sorry I'm late.

Did you find out more about Phil?

Uh...

did we find out more about Phil?

We did, um...

why don't we find some place less crowded?

Stu!

My son was not a homosexual.

But he was HIV positive.

Yes.

Now, how come you didn't tell us?

In front of my husband?

I kept this from him while Phil was alive.

I'm not going to tell him now that he's gone.

Richard couldn't handle it.

How did you handle it?

The best I could.

For six years, I spent all my savings on his medications.

First the AZT, then this drug cocktail.

So you knew Phil was infected.

You knew he had a lot of girlfriends.

This didn't concern you?

He swore he used protection, that he was always careful.

And I believe that he was.

Except, of course, with Rita.

Who's Rita?

Rita Hale.

Isn't she the one who told you that Phil was sick?

No. Um, we found out Phil was sick from his autopsy,

and testing his blood.

There's the H.

There is no Hale in your son's address book.

[knocking on door]

Rita Hale?

Yeah?

I'm Detective Ballard, this is Detective Gharty from the Homicide Unit.

[Gharty] Care to come downtown with us?

You want to talk to me about Phil Longley?

[Gharty] That's correct.

Give me a minute, I gotta freshen up.

Ow.

[phone ringing]

Hold on. Just a sec.

Okay, will you follow me?

What's up, Ballard?

[Ballard] Hey, Lewis.

[Ballard] Hi.

[indistinct chatter]

- [Falsone] Yo, who's that lady? The-- - Her name's Rita Hale.

What's wrong with her?

She has AIDS.

- She got AIDS? - Yep.

You gonna go in there?

Yep.

So...

Phillip Longley?

You think I killed him, don't you?

Well, Rita, you gotta admit, you do have a motive.

I do?

[chuckling]

No, thank you.

[lighter clicking]

[Rita exhaling]

[indistinct chatter]

See Ballard and Gharty's suspect in the Longley murder?

Yeah, she's got, uh, nice eyes.

What's with you, Falsone?

You never seen anybody with AIDS before? Never.

Never.

[Lewis] And what's with you, Kellerman?

You were sitting there gawking at her when she went by.

Not me.

[Falsone] I gotta get going to the courthouse.

Lopez trial.

You ain't gotta be there till 4:00.

It's almost 3:30.

Hey, Falsone,

you can't catch nothing by breathing the same air.

That's what they say today.

Just like they thought Thalidomide couldn't cause birth defects.

Jut like they thought the world was flat.

It is flat.

I've got a kid.

I'm trying to get him back, I'm not taking any chances.

Well, well, hold on, what do you mean?

Trying to get your kid back?

I'm suing for custody.

I want more time with Daniel.

The odds are bad enough, me being a cop, me being single.

Oh!

You're suing?

Talking about lawyers and court cases and--

and the whole judicial bit.

[Falsone] Yeah.

[Lewis] You talked this over with your ex-wife?

No.

Wha-- hey, you know, why don't you try to work it out with her first?

I mean, you love the kid, she loves the kid,

maybe she'll cut you some slack. Split the difference.

[laughing]

You don't know Janine.

- [Kellerman] Hey, Falsone? - [Falsone] Yeah?

[Kellerman] Clean off your desk this time?

What?

I'm walking by, I see Luther's face staring up at me.

You gonna leave that stuff lying around?

I was doing a little holiday reading.

You read all you want. Just put it away when you're done.

Oh, I'm not done. I'm far from done.

It's bad enough I got your nose in my business,

I don't need the whole squad room looking on.

Why does that upset you? Is there something in there you don't want them to see?

Clean up your mess.

It's not my mess, Mikey. It's your mess,

and Stivers' and Meldrick's.

Hey, you gonna take 'em down with you.

When I first met Phil Longley, I was practically a virgin.

One year out of Towson State,

I'd slept with three guys, maybe four.

I was working as a waitress over at Café Jardin,

taking night classes in communications, thinking about moving out west.

Phillip Longley was like a dream come true.

How's that?

He was the only other person I knew

who put maple syrup on his scrambled eggs.

When I saw that, I fell hard.

We talked marriage, children.

Then there was a blood drive at school.

I gave blood.

About a week later, I get a call from the nurse. Could I come in?

And you tested positive.

[Rita exhaling]

So I confront Phil.

What do you know, he's positive, too.

Son of a bitch knew before we ever met,

never bothered to tell me.

So I ask him to leave, he leaves, that's it.

...That's it?

Take a good look at me, you can figure out the rest.

My life is over, Detective.

I get sicker and sicker, soon I die.

- Oh, you don't know that. - Oh, yes, I do.

Doctors say I've got five months, maybe.

But they have drugs now.

- [Rita scoffing] - And people are getting better.

Yeah, you're telling me.

What do you know?

I read the paper.

Me, too.

"Extra, extra, drug cocktail cures AIDS.

AIDS no longer an epidemic. AIDS can't kill you."

As far as my life is concerned, they're wrong.

I took their cocktail, Detective.

I swallowed 41 pills a day for over three months.

Did my T cells go up?

They went down.

Did my viral load go down?

It went up.

Their cocktail works for two-thirds of the people who need it,

for the rest of us it doesn't do jack.

You know how it feels to pick up Time magazine

and read they think medicine can beat this disease?

You know how it feels to see Phillip Longley

walking down the street...

looking healthier than ever,

beautiful girl on his arm?

[*]

You're telling me a girl her size could lift a 64-ounce bottle

and whack a man so hard she knocks him down?

She must weigh all of what, 90 pounds?

You're angry enough, you find the strength.

We don't know that she killed him. - She just admitted it.

- When? - Just then.

He gives her AIDS, she gets sick, he doesn't.

We just push her a little bit, she'll finish the story.

I'm not pushing her.

We both know she's guilty.

I don't. I-- I still think that she's too weak to have done it.

But why not just admit it, Ballard?

You don't want to go after her because she's sick.

And you want to go after her for exactly the same reason.

- What? - Oh, come on!

You don't want anything to do with this woman.

You just want to get a confession out of her,

- so you can lock up her so that she can't breathe on you. - That's not fair.

You want to know what's not fair?

What Longley did to her.

Look, all I am saying is,

let's forget about the disease for a second.

Let's treat Rita Hale like any other suspect.

[*]

[bell ringing]

[Munch] Well, that takes care of everything.

We're all set. Shall we go for some lunch?

Mmm, you know it's gonna be a hell of a night for me.

It's not lost on me how Mom was,

I know she could be difficult at times.

Yeah, I like to think I brought out the best in her.

Well, maybe you did.

But you got to admit what an extraordinary woman she must have been,

to reach the end of her life with so many friends,

a-and so many experiences, so much influence.

Oh, well, she did a number on me and, no offense,

I think she did a number on you, too.

I know she could be difficult on you,

but she wasn't like that with all the guys I brought home.

She actually liked some of them.

Briscoe.

[Gwen] Excuse me?

Lenny Briscoe, NYPD,

ruddy complexion, grayish hair, shoots a mean eight ball.

You and Lenny in the old hokey-pokey.

He told me about the whole thing.

That's no big deal, I mean, I know you have a soft spot

in your heart for the thin blue line.

- [Gwen] Stop the car. - Hey, we're both grown-ups.

- [Gwen] I said stop the car! - Gwen, it's a j-- it's just a joke.

John, I said stop the car.

[Munch] It's a joke, I'm just kidding.

Gwen, come on, lighten up!

Gwe--

[Munch] Oh, man.

[Munch] Gwen!

Gwen!

[Rita coughing]

How old are you, Detective Ballard?

[Ballard] 29.

[Rita] Same as me.

- You married? - No.

Boyfriend?

Oh, I had a fiancé in Seattle. But we split up.

That's too bad.

Dating again sucks, doesn't it?

I wouldn't know.

I'm still new to Baltimore, getting settled,

getting used to the new job.

And you don't go out at all?

Little bit.

Have you slept with anyone?

Once or twice.

Let me give you a big, big hint.

Always wear a rubber.

[laughing]

Listen to me, I sound like a public service announcement.

I think they ought to let me do one of those.

They got all them sitcom stars, with their fresh TV faces.

"Wanna be cool? Wear a condom."

I think they ought to put my mug up there instead.

I'm guaranteed to scare the bejesus out of any kid watching.

He'll run right out and blow his allowance on a...

whole case full of condoms, quicker than you can say Kaposi sarcoma.

[Rita] Phil Longley didn't have these.

You saw him on the street, he looked okay, huh?

Picture of health.

That made you mad, didn't it?

- Yeah. - [Gharty] Pissed you off.

- Do those hurt? - The spots?

Yeah, they look like they hurt.

Nah. They're like big freckles or birthmarks, really,

I can't feel them at all.

That's good.

They are ugly.

I tried to get rid of them once.

I met this lady at the clinic.

She was real sick, but she didn't have spots.

And she told me if I brushed at them with

a toothbrush and baking soda, they'd fade away.

Tell us about yesterday morning, Rita.

You followed Phil to the laundromat?

What?

Where were you yesterday morning?

I was at the downtown athletic club,

swimming laps and lifting weights.

I was where I always am, Detective, in bed, at home.

I told you, I don't get out much.

I know, I know.

We're just trying to figure what happened.

Phil Longley got killed.

You had reason to kill him.

Will you admit that much?

It's not much to admit. Sure, I had reason.

And a jury will know that.

What jury?

They put you on the stand,

they see what Longley did to you...

you won't have to explain.

- Explain what? - It's okay.

You tell us what happened,

and I promise you it's gonna be okay.

Don't tell me it's gonna be okay, Detective.

Nothing's okay.

I'm still going to die.

That's what you were thinking when you went after Longley.

It's okay if I do this, it's okay if they catch me,

I'll be dead soon.

You hated him.

You couldn't stand to see him being healthy,

knowing he was gonna live another 10, 20 years.

That's not fair, right?

So you gather up the last bit of strength that you have,

and you followed him to the laundromat.

Is that how it happened?

[Ballard] Is it, Rita?

[*]

[Rita sighing]

Poor people...

people with no money, no insurance,

who don't read Time magazine...

get told a healthy dose of bleach will clean out the virus.

So they go down to their basements,

and down half a bottle,

and end up in the emergency room, sick as dogs.

You poured bleach down Phillip Longley's throat?

You hit him on the head with the bottle of detergent.

Phillip Longley murdered me.

I murdered Phillip Longley...

[*]

Wouldn't you have done the same?

[*]

We can't charge her.

Why not?

Did you get a look at this woman, Lieutenant?

- I did. - Well, then, you know how sick she is.

We charge her with murder,

and she's gonna die before the trial, so...

Refresh my memory, Detective Gharty,

do we not have an infirmary at the State Penitentiary?

I believe so, yes.

Are there not one or two inmates there who actually have AIDS?

This case is different.

Rita Hale is different.

From what you told me,

Rita Hale admits to following her ex-boyfriend into a laundromat

with the full intent of ending his life.

Now, that's premeditated murder.

Maybe Hale went to the laundry to confront Longley

about giving her HIV. Okay?

They fight, they argue, he gets upset, he goes after her.

She swings the detergent to protect herself,

and he hits his head on the way down to the floor.

That is self-defense.

Except that she poured bleach down his throat.

Which, according to the ME, wouldn't have killed him.

And you think Assistant State Attorney Ed Danvers is going to buy that?

Forget it.

Just charge Rita Hale with first-degree murder

and let her spend her last Christmas in some jail cell, I don't care.

Have you ever been to Italy, Detective Ballard?

- No. - It might interest you to know that in Italy,

a person with AIDS can't be sent to prison.

What, that's like an actual law?

Yes, it was a law.

A man in Milan had full-blown AIDS.

He robbed 11 banks in one summer.

Each time they caught him, each time they let him go.

You know, the Italians are expert at live and let live.

So you're saying we should let Hale go, right?

What I'm saying is this, isn't Italy.

When in Rome, do as the Romans do.

When in Baltimore, do as I tell you to.

We're charging her with Longley's murder.

[*]

Merry Christmas, Lieutenant. Buon Natale, Detective.

Bon natali, Detective.

[*]

[woman wailing]

[woman] I can't believe...

[woman sobbing]

[woman] Oh, baby, I can't...

- How you doing, Gwen? - You're late.

My God, that's Peter Maas, master of the gritty metaphor.

He wrote that book about Sam "The Bull" Gravano. He's one of my heroes.

I must've made 200 phone calls.

[woman wailing]

I mean, I just don't understand,

because she has all these friends, right?

And-- and then, then she's got all these business associates, right,

and all of the charity work, and now she's laid out in an empty room.

It's not empty, there's--

there's you and me, and...

that woman crying in there, and not to mention...

Uh, excuse me, sir? Are you...

[Maas] Yes, I am. Peter Maas.

Ah! Gwen, check it out, Mr. Peter Maas himself, the man.

[Gwen] I made over 200 calls.

So you must've come a long way to the funeral, huh?

I came down from New York.

How did you know Mrs. Talbot?

Well, she reviewed a couple of my books, Serpico and The Valachi Papers.

So you came to pay your last respects to a literary colleague

who explicated your work to the wider world? I think that's beautiful.

[Maas] To tell you the truth, I came here to have the last laugh

on a petty, vindictive, parasitic old hack.

Excuse me?

[Maas] Mrs. Talbot was the queen of book chat,

a purveyor of everything that's superficial,

meretricious and banal.

Her own prose was bloated and hackneyed.

She wouldn't know good writing if it were tattooed on her forehead.

And yet, you came to the funeral.

Yes, I did, and now that I'm satisfied that she's really deceased,

it's time for a small celebration.

- Now, if you'll excuse me. - Yeah, certainly.

[woman wailing]

[indistinct] those tears.

That's a sweet old lady in there crying her eyes out.

Yeah, that's Mrs. Brumbaum.

Mrs. Brumbaum, and she's grieving.

She's working.

Bernie gave her 40 bucks to wail like a banshee.

She's a shill?

[sniffling]

Part of the deluxe floral package.

For an extra 20 bucks, I'm told that she will throw herself on the coffin.

[woman wailing]

I gotta talk to you.

Well, have to be now?

- Yes. - Have to be here?

Yes.

[Lewis] So make it quick.

Georgia Ray Mahoney says she has a tape of Luther's shooting.

- What? - A videotape.

[chuckling]

- You better not be playing around with me. - No, of course not.

I mean, she may be playing us, I don't know.

What do you mean, you don't know?

She either got a videotape or she ain't got a videotape.

- [Kellerman] Well, I ta-- - There ain't no middle ground.

I talked to the manager of Luther's building.

There were surveillance cameras in his apartment.

Eight of them.

Even if she does have a tape, we don't know what's on it.

What do you mean, we don't know what's on it?

"Kellerman ices dealer." News at 11.

Right, but he had the gun in his hand.

He had it in his hand, on my head,

on the floor, down his pants.

I guess we're gonna know soon enough exactly

where the hell that gun was, aren't we?

- I gotta go tell Stivers. - What, no!

No?

[scoffs] You ain't the only one the camera caught, huh?

Me and Stivers are in this, too.

If this gets out, it's our asses on the line also.

Come on.

[Lewis sighing]

[Gharty] There you are.

I should've backed you up in there.

[Ballard] Yeah, you should've.

I do like Rita Hale.

[Ballard] Stu, it's okay.

I understand why she did what she did.

I just don't think that she should get away with it.

Yeah, you and Gee, both.

[foghorn blowing]

[Gharty] Hey.

I'm more worried about Alisa Hart than

- I am Rita Hale right now. - [Gharty] Alisa Hart?

Yeah. And Elizabeth Ling,

Tory Olson, Stephanie Redman.

I mean, how many of Longley's girlfriends

knew he was HIV positive?

[Gharty] Well, supposedly, he was careful.

Like he was with Rita?

You think we should tell them.

Yeah, I think that we have to.

[*]

- Hey, Cox. - [Cox] Hey, Laura.

[Ballard] Uh, I left one of my notebooks here.

Yeah, I was wondering whose that was.

It's, um-- it's over by the sink there.

[Ballard] Great.

So, slow night, huh?

[Cox] Is it ever.

I'll tell you, I never get spooked in here until...

[chuckles] ...it's quite this empty.

[Ballard] Well, I wouldn't think you'd be afraid of anything.

Me? What, are you crazy?

Big scaredy cat.

Hate spiders, afraid of flying.

Hmm.

You ever worry about AIDS?

Yeah, I mean, are you scared about getting infected?

I'm careful, I take precautions.

Are you thinking about the Longley case?

[Ballard] No, it's not about the case.

So, what, it's about our fine boys of Baltimore?

[Ballard] Yeah.

[Cox] So you've managed to find one who still has all of his teeth, I see.

Hasn't been that easy.

So what, now you're scared?

Well, you know, I wasted three years of my life

engaged to this guy who turned out to be a complete idiot.

Um...

and now that I'm out there, I'm cautious.

It's just that when it comes to men,

I don't know if I trust my own judgement.

You know?

Well, I mean, if it's any help at all,

I definitely don't trust mine.

[Ballard chuckling]

So you get tested a lot, then?

[Cox] Oh, yeah, every twelve weeks.

Wow.

Huh.

[organ music playing]

[Cox] Merry Christmas, Frank.

[Pembleton] Hey, Merry Christmas.

Okay, I'm out of here.

It's still early, Pembleton.

Where's your Christmas spirit?

Oh, I got plenty of Christmas spirit, I'm a regular Santa Claus.

- [Billie Lou] Yeah? - Yeah, I have two kids, though.

And this holiday takes on epic proportions.

So I'm headed home direct.

Merry Christmas, all.

[crowd] Merry Christmas, Frank!

My mom was oppressive.

- Not really. - Oh, yeah.

She-- she was arrogant and--

and self-centered,

she had to have her own way.

Well, she was very well read.

Oh, come on, you're defending her now?

[Munch] Well, she had you, that gets points in my book.

She hated you.

She tried everything to break us up, and what's more,

she played the same kind of games with everybody in her life,

which is why the final send-off features one slightly hostile ex-son-in-law,

one vengeful author,

and a rented wailer.

She didn't even have a eulogy.

[Munch] Can I get your attention, everyone, please?

- [man] Hey, hey, turn off the music! - [man 2] Quiet!

I'd like to propose a toast...

A round for everybody?

No, thank you, Billie Lou.

On this evening, a solemn ceremony was held

to convey the mortal remains of

Geneviève Talbot to a better place.

She was a strong woman, possessed of many opinions.

She lived on her own terms.

She had a daughter, a beautiful daughter,

who took as her husband a charming, if somewhat peculiar young man.

Geneviève Talbot so loved her beautiful daughter,

and so feared for her happiness,

that she did everything she could to discourage this unlikely union,

for the man was hopelessly peculiar and...

quite perverse.

- Hmm! - [Munch] And the daughter,

she was a rare gift, and deserved much, much better.

To Mom.

To Mom!

[Munch] May she rest in peace.

[indistinct chatter]

[festive music playing]

Thank you.

[Bayliss] Uh, Julianna!

Hey!

[Bayliss] Got you something.

Oh!

- Oh! - [Bayliss] Merry Christmas.

- Thanks, Bayliss. - Yeah.

You look like a crazed leprechaun, with this thing on.

I can't take you seriously.

I'm glad I've been wearing that all night.

Yes, certainly. I can't believe this.

It's just, you know, something that...

Oh! Wait, wait, wait, wait. Don't--

- You didn't see it? - [Cox] No.

- [Bayliss] You didn't? - [Cox] No.

How much?

- [laughing] - Almost, but...

[*]

[Bayliss] Yeah.

- Thank you. Thank you. - You're welcome.

[Bayliss groaning]

[Billie Lou] Whoa. Hey, everybody, it's time to light the tree.

[group cheering]

[*]

[*]