Original subtitles

- You can't just leave 'em in this shit here. Come on. - This boy's gone.

Let's go. Come on. Come on.

Get back.

...fire is worse, and the fire is lapping the outside of the building.

Hey, where's he going?

What do you think you're doing? You know you're forbidden to read anything not checked by this office.

- What's there to check? I was there. It happened. - Airman, you know the rules.

If this is a legitimate news story, it must go through proper channels.

Listen, Tweedle-dee, it's an actual event. Where do you think this came from, shaving?

It's the truth. I just want to report the truth. It'd be a nice change of pace.

- What's goin' on here? - Sir, will you listen to me?

This is not official news, Airman. As far as I'm concerned, it didn't happen.

- It did happen and I was-- - You shut your mouth.

What are you afraid of, Dickerson? People might find out there's a war goin' on?

This news is not official, Airman.

You want everyone going under the assumption it's perfectly safe here, don't you? Well, it's not.

The fighting's not just in the hills. It's downtown. It's a couple of fuckin' blocks--

I said it is none of your goddam business!

I see your point. I'm sorry.

I guess I get inside, hit these air conditioners, I get a little dizzy.

Thanks for settin' me straight. I'll be okay.

That about wraps it up for me, Marty Lee, filling in for my buddy...

vacationing Eddie Kirk, who, despite all your requests, will return tomorrow.

Right now, it's once again time for the King Kong of Saigon...

Adrian Cronauer.

Good morning, Vietnam!

Hey, l know it's not the morning, but that's my trademark...

and ''good evening'' sounds too depressing.

Hey, we're goin' right now to the news.

From England, today, Princess Margaret threw a shoe!

Easy, Madge. Also, uh, Elizab-- Queen Elizabeth, Liz-- Elizabeth Taylor!

Elizabeth Taylor. She's still married after six months.

Way to go, Liz. Yea!

All right! In Saigon today, according to official sources...

nothing actually happened.

One thing that didn't officially happen was a bomb didn't officially explode at 1 430 hours...

unofficially destroying Jimmy Wah's Cafe.

- Get him out of there. - Three men were unofficially wounded, and two men...

- whose identities are still not known at this time are unofficially dead. - It's locked!

- Well, break the goddam door down! -Although the police, ambulance and fire department responded...

what's believed to be unofficial at this present moment.

- Turn the power off in that studio. - But his show is-- - Turn it off! Now!

I just wanted to think that you should--

The man should be court-martialed, sir.

You think this is the most serious set of affairs I have to address this week?

- Well, it's not. - I can't believe you're gonna pass on this, General.

- The man is a goddamned subversive. - He made a mistake, Dick.

Mistake, sir? I don't want to be around when he broadcasts US troop movements to the other side.

I run the station according to strict guidelines set by military intelligence.

Military intelligence? There's a contradiction in terms.

Sir, the man is a walking keg of dynamite.

In the eight weeks he's been on the air, General, he's disobeyed orders as to style and content.

He's read unofficial news. What's he gonna be like in six months?

What's he gonna be like when he's ten times as popular, General?

- How easy is it gonna be to get him off the air then? - Who'll do the Cronauer show?

Well, Hauk can do it, sir, till I find a replacement.

- Okay, for now, suspend him. - Sir, you've made the correct choice.

Right here, right here on our show, Diana Ross and the ''Suprawns.''

Set me free why don't you, babe

Set me free why don't you, babe

You don't really need me You just keep me steamin'on

Thank you very much. Let me introduce the members of the band. Larry, Pisces.

Thank you very much.

- What'd he say? - He say you drink too much already.

Well, tell him I drink so I can be this funny.

It's not funny at all, he said.

Tell him thanks. It's nice to bomb in another language.

You will get sick if you drink some more. Come on.

My village not too far from here. You could come there for resting.

You could see how we live.

Listen, Sparky, I don't think seeing your little production of Our Town is gonna cheer me up.

- You see Trinh there. - I'll drive.

Red leather, yellow leather. Red-- Led--

- Red-- Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather-- - Sir, sir.

Reading the news is one thing, but this stuff you wrote, i-it's not funny, sir. lt's sad.

Sir? l'm begging you. Don't try to do comedy. lt's not in your blood.

l'll do fine. Comedy is what you make it.

l've got pages and pages of great material. Right, Abersold?

l'm afraid you're gonna be hittin'bottom, sir.

If it isn't funny, then why did I hear you laughing when you typed it?

l was thinking of something else.

Thank you for your support. Now I've got a show to do.

Sir, you're not funny. Ask around.

Ask me. Sir, with all due respect...

uh, uh, l think you're gonna-- you might lay an egg-- l mean a big egg.

l mean, l know funny, and l don't think you're it. But hey, such is life.

Me, l'm not much with power tools.

Hey, that was the great, exciting sound of Petula Clark.

- Beach Boys. Those were guys. - Of the Beach Boys.

Hey, that wraps it up for me, Marty Lee Dreiwitz.

Adrian Cronauer is on temporary assignment...

but boy, do l have a surprise for you.

- Don't build him up. You'll only let 'em down. - Please welcome to the microphone...

the lieutenant of laughs, the officer of oral, the Westmoreland of wit...

swingin'Steven Hauk!

Hello, Vietnam. And greetings.

Soon, the news. Then--

''Lieutenant Steve! Lieutenant Steve!''

Who's that? ''lt's me, your old pal Frenchy. ''

Listen, Frenchy, let me ask you something. Do you like good food?

''Oh, but of course. Uh, the French love good food.''

Well, then, I guess that would make you an ''Eatie Gourmet.''

''Oh, ho, ho, ho, Lieutenant Steve.''

- Oh, Frenchy. - ''Oh, ho, ho, Lieutenant Steve.''

Frenchy. You know, I really shouldn't kid Frenchy...

because sometimes he ''Stan Getz'' mad at me...

and he could ''Al Hirt'' me.

''Uh, Lieutenant Steve, let's play some music.''

Okay, Frenchy. What would you like to hear?

''Well, uh, I love a good polka as much as the next man.''

Well, a good polka it is for my good friend Frenchy.

I think some apologies are in order.

You're not gonna continue this broadcast, are you, sir?

- What are they doing? - Oh, they're Buddhists.

They're sitting for peace, wisdom and knowledge.

They're waiting for enlightenment.

This man lose one son from blasting American mine.

His father and brother was killed by French long ago.

I think it's not fair to him.

Look.

He's going, ''No big deal.'' Look.

How lovin'can you feel when you got that moment when

Don't you know that the time can be thataway, wacka-wack wacka-wack, wacka-wack

And don't you know that it ain't gonna be and you feel that the time you see

And it all wacka-wack wacka-wacka, wacka-wacka l know and l'm movin'

Look. Up there. Pull.

Pull.

You not understand. You not.

We no future together, ''Cronow.''

My country, maybe no future.

Hey, I like you. I just want to be your friend, okay?

- I know it sounds dumb. - I-- I not can do this, ''Cronow.''

No. No friend, ''Cronow.''

Not good for, for me.

My brother, okay, friends.

But Vietnam ladies not friends.

Please. Okay?

Not friends.

Great week.

That's about as good a polka as you'll ever hear.

You want Cronauer back on the air.

We've gotten duffel bags filled with information asking for Cronauer's reinstatement.

The men all hate Hauk. They want Cronauer back.

He's an exhilarating personality, and polkas are just no substitute.

- I think I see a pattern forming here. - Sir, these letters are unequivocal.

Uh, e.g. ''Hey, Hauk, eat a bag of shit. You suck.''

That's pretty much to the point, sir. Not much grey area in this one.

We got one positive call from some guy in Wichita who thought Hauk's comedy was visionary and interesting.

The other 1 ,1 00 calls said that the man can't do comedy to save his dick.

- That's a direct quote, sir. - I've taken 90 calls this morning. They just don't like Hauk.

From a marine in Da Nang: ''Captain Hauk sucks the sweat off a dead man's balls.''

I have no idea what that means, sir, but it seems very negative to me.

I think the troops are tryin' to tell us somethin', fellas.

Sir, if it is my programming choices, I can change.

I've been broadcasting the polkas because I thought a certain segment of the men...

weren't represented by Cronauer's broadcasts of rock and roll.

But I can easily play an occasional Gary Lewis record.

It doesn't make a damn whether you play polkas or don't play polkas. Military politics.

Nothing personal. The men just like him better than they do you.

He maliciously and with purposeful intent read unofficial news.

No, no, no, no. He made a mistake.

We all make mistakes. Now this thing is a delicate balance over here...

and I don't want it dependent on a disc jockey.

The men want him back, I want him back.

Sir, you heard from the men who don't like my humour, but what about the silent masses who do?

And as far as polkas, they are a much-maligned musical taste.

Lieutenant, you don't know whether you're shot, fucked, powder-burned or snake-bit. I don't care about polkas.

They're rioting in Hue. We're bringin' in thousands of troops every month.

Terrorism's on the uprise in Saigon.

The problems of this country have not one goddamned thing to do with...

whether you play polkas or don't play polkas.

The men want him back. I want him back.

Reinstate the man.

Sir, in my heart...

I know I'm funny.

Thank you, Lieutenant.

- There you are, sir. - Please don't call me ''sir.''

It just came down the pike. You're back on the air, sir.

- I'm not goin' on. - What do you mean you're not goin' on?

If you don't understand what I said, maybe you should take my English class. I'm not goin' on.

You're a very attractive man, Abersold. Don't think I haven't noticed.

- You'll be bored, you know. What are you gonna do with your time? - I don't know.

I may go downtown, look for a Vietnamese man named Phil.

Or I may just stay here and listen to old Pat Boone records.

Try and find some hidden meaning 'cause basically I believe that that man is a misunderstood genius.

Genius. What are you saying to me?

I'm sayin' I'm through, Ed. I'm tired of people tellin' me what I can't say.

This news isn't official. That comment is too sarcastic.

I can't even make fun of Richard Nixon, and there's a man who's screaming out to be made fun of.

So fuck it. Sorry.

- Is he all right? - No, Phil, he's not all right.

A man does not refer to Pat Boone as a beautiful genius if things are all right.

- Sir. - Garlick?

I'd like you to collate these one-minute spots prior to broadcast.

You have a problem with that, young man?

Absolutely not. I live to collate, sir.

Good. So do I.

- ''Get AJob.'' - Get a job. Again.

- Get a job. Right. You got it. You're cookin' now. - Sir?

- Edward. - I'd like an explanation.

- On anything in particular? - A lot of people went to the mat for you.

Thousands of guys wrote in, called in, tryin' to get you reinstated.

And I literally think that you owe it to all of them to get your ass back on the air.

If you haven't noticed, the army doesn't really want me, Ed.

They've been harassing me since the day I got off the plane.

So what? It's the guys in the field that matter, remember? Those are the guys that are dyin'.

Edward, I tried to tell the truth, and they kicked me off the air.

I screw up once more, Dickerson sends me into the field with a rifle. I come home in a box.

What you do is important to a lot of people.

Forget it, will ya? Listen. I give up.

I'm gonna phone 'em in, okay? Enough bullshit. I'm outta here. See you, fellas.

- Buy you some lunch. - Can't let you do that.

Listen, if I don't get to my class, there's gonna be a bunch of Vietnamese speaking in short, choppy sentences.

- Look, we gotta talk. We gotta talk now. - Not now, man. Come on.

I can't believe you! What? That's it?

You're gonna leave the whole fuckin' thing behind. You're gonna leave everything fuckin' hanging.

- People are depending on you! - Edward, please.

That's two nasty words in one year.

- Forgive me. - Hey.

Hey, you wanna give me a ride to school or am I gonna have to buy another bike?

You're pissin' me off.

- What the hell's the hold-up? - Check it out.

Garlick, will you cut it out? You're beginning to sound like a priest in a '40s movie.

We are not firing you when the boys are dependin' on you.

- Gentlemen? - What are you doing, Ed?

Hey, guys. Guess who the hell I got in here.

- Uh-oh. Don't do this shit. - Groucho Marx!

- Senator Dirksen. - Hey, Curly!

-Moe. -Come on, come on, come on. Guess again. -Oh, bag it. Bag it, Garlick.

The fellow I got in here is the gentleman, the one and the only...

- You're a dead man. - king of the airwaves, Adrian Cronauer.

Hey, Peterson, get up here, man. I think we got Cronauer here.

Hey, Cronauer, say ''Good morning, Vietnam.''

Oh, give me a break, man. It's too hot for radio shit, okay?

- Come on. - Come on!

- How do we know it's Adrian Cronauer? - Okay.

I'll give her the best shot.

Good morning, Vietnam!

All right! All right!

We love you, Cron!

All right, this is Adrian Cronauer. I'm on at 6:00 and again at 4:00.

Hey, we'd like to welcome you to Vietnam, the country that is more stimulating...

than a strong cup of cappuccino or an espresso enema.

That one's comin' right at you right now, but first, our fashion report from Special Forces Sergeant Ernest Lee Sincere.

''Thank you. I think this fall, the discerning GI is gonna be wearing green in the jungle.

Why? Because it matches with the green. I don't know.

The leaves, they fall upon the helmets, says yes to me.'' Thank you.

Here's a little news flash comin' your way right now.

We can't afford the teletype. Here it is, comin' for you right now. Quick news flash.

Former President Eisenhower, actually cartoon character Elmer Fudd.

He was quoted as saying: ''Thank you, America.

It was fun being Pwesident.''

Also, Gina Lollobrigida has been declared the Italian National Mountain Range.

Thank you, Gina. ''Look out. Look, I don't see the sun any more.''

Let's play a little game show while we're waiting. And who can tell me who sang the song ''My Guy''?

- Hi. Where you from? - Uh, Boston.

- Boston, you know who sang the song ''My Guy''? - Yeah, shit, I can't think of it.

Thank you for playing! ''Yeah, shit, I can't think of it.'' That's right.

You don't win the case of fish balls and lizard testicles. Thank you for playing anyway.

- Here it is right now. Hey, what's your name? - Patrick O'Ma-- O'Malley.

Patrick O-O-O-O'Malley. I don't know. I'm just so happy. I'm O-O-O'Malley.

Oh, he's good. I don't know. It's the Irish boy.

I'm just so full of semen. I haven't gotten laid yet.

I'm sittin' out there, and I'm the Catholic boy and I don't know when I'll be gettin' laid.

- I'm just goin' off to Vietnam. Where you from? - From the Village. New York.

From the Village? Well, nice to have you here. Nice to have you here in Vietnam.

Obviously, you just said, ''Well, fuck it. I'll join the army and be with people in green.''

- It's a special thing to do. Hey, what's your name? -Jimmy Wilkes.

-Jimmy Wilkes. Where you from,Jimmy? - I'm also New York.

Ohh! Two boys joined together.

Hey, said, ''Well, I got drunk, man. All of a sudden, I went for a tattoo.

Next thing you know, I'm on a fuckin' truck. What happened?''

It's wild, baby. I don't know what's goin' down. But you're both from New York.

Nice to have you here. Like, you just, like hangin' out?

- You're headed north. Where you goin' to? - Nha Trengh.

Well, you gotta be careful,Jack. That's some heavy stuff up there.

That's like Newark after dark. You gotta watch out.

There's some heavy shit goin' down, baby.

You'll feel like George Wallace campaigning in Harlem. ''Hi, have you seen my face?''

''Get yo' ass outta here!'' You gotta watch it. What type of music do you like?

- You like, uh-- You like Little Anthony? You like Little Anthony? - Yeah! Stones.

- I like James Brown better. - You like James Brown better. Yes, sir.

And the Stones. Oh, you like Mick Jagger? Mick Jagger, right.

Do you think he looks like a photo negative of Little Richard or am I crazy?

Really. And that hair. I think-- I don't know. All right!

Gentlemen, I don't know-- Oh, my God, these lips!

My God, they're moving! I'm gonna flap my eyebrows to death.

Look out. I'm singing, everybody. I'm singing. Oh, get outta here.

- Watch out. All right. Where are you from? Where you from? - I'm from, uh, Cleveland, man.

- Cleveland. - Yeah. - Obviously, Vietnam's not that much of a change for you, then.

Aw, nah.

You guys take care of yourself, 'cause you all look like: I don't know what's gonna happen, man. I don't know.

- What's this thing on the side of your helmet? What is that thing you're wearing? What do you got there? - Here. Why don't you try it out?

Well, ''Why don't you try it out?'' Look at this. Look at that. It says here, it says what sizes you got.

You got large, medium and Caucasian.

Look at this thing. A little Italian party favour there. Oh! ''Oh, no, Bozo, boys and girls.''

Look at this thing. Obviously, this is goin' like, ''Yeah, check it out.''

Hold on. Look. How big is this thing? Hold on. How big is this?

Black man's goin', ''It's just for the tip. That's all I need is the tip.''

It's a bathing cap. I just like to put a bathing cap.

Remember, this is the Vietnamese word ''Con Dum.'' Look. Italian moon launch.

There. Whoa, jeez. It almost blew up in my face.

There's prophylactic everywhere, man. It's not a pretty picture.

There's pieces of rubber all over his face.

I don't know what to say. You guys, be careful. What's your name?

- My name is Lewis Striker. - Lewis Striker, Brother Striker. Thank you, Brother Striker.

- Sean Donum. - Sean Donum. -Jay Snyder.

Feels like the Mouseketeers show. Annette, Cubby, Roy!

Well, you guys, you take care of yourselves. I won't forget you.

All right, guys, let's say goodbye to the radio star. We're outta here.

Bye-bye-bye-bye!

All right!

Good morning, Vietnam!

Hey, it's another delightful day here in Vacationland.

Everybody, time to get up.

Get up, wherever you are.

That's right, rise and shine, rise and shine!

Got some songs goin' out right now to a couple of guys on the road to Nha Trengh.

You know what I'm talkin' about. Hey, Mr O'Malley, O'Malley.

You know. The Irish Dolby twins.

They're out there. Special song goin' out to you, right now.

l see trees of green

Red roses too

l see them bloom

For me and you

And l think to myself

What a wonderful world

l see skies of blue

And clouds of white

The bright, blessed day

The dark, sacred night

And l think to myself

What a wonderful world

The colours of the rainbow

So pretty in the sky

Are also on the faces

Of people going by

l see friends shakin'hands

Sayin' How do you do

They're really saying l love you

l hear babies crying

l watch them grow

They'll learn much more

Than l'll ever know

And l think to myself

What a wonderful world

Yes, l think to myself

What a wonderful world

- Oh, yeah - Oh, yeah

That was Louis B. Armstrong, the great Satchmo.

Want to interview some GIs in the field, sir? And play those tapes on the radio?

God only knows what they'd say, sir.

It involves Cronauer, which makes me suspicious immediately.

An Lac. And Cronauer would definitely be going along? Hold on a minute, sir.

G-2, Corporal Tiser, sir.

One moment.

- Route One-A, sir, is the only route to An Lac, sir. - Does that road have a secure status?

No, sir, it does not. That road is Victor Charlie, sir.

- It is definitely not a friendly area. - Negative, sir. It is not.

It is hazardous and, uh, has been for about 48 hours.

Heavily fortified and considered very unsafe, sir.

Thank you.

Sir, I recommend we issue a 24-hour pass.

So this is the country where they grow rattan love seats.

God, is it hot. What a country.

Heat, humidity, terrorism. Still, it's better than New York in the summer.

Hey, fellas, how's the cough drop business?

You know, we haven't passed too many checkpoints since Chon Thanh.

Why do you make every Vietnamese town sound like a Mexican restaurant?

Britain imposed an oil embargo on Rhodesia today...

after that country's unilateral declaration of independence.

Gambia, Singapore and the Maldive Islands join the United Nations.

Sertse Khama becomes the first premier of Bechuanaland.

ln sports, all-star rookie Pete Rose's three hits--

What do you think you'll do after all this, Ed? When you get out of the army?

I think I learned enough about radio stations--

I mean, maybe I can work in a station back home or something.

Really? Give me your best shot. Lay somethin' on me.

Give it a go. Give it a go.

This is Eddie Garlick comin' to you live from AFRS, Armed Forces Radio Saigon.

Now funkify it. Give me some real funk. Give it to me, Edward.

This is Eddie Garlick, com--

Good morning, Vietnam!

You're listening to Eddie Kirk on AFRS. I have a big special--

...for, but we need to hear your requests.

So send in your postcards to Eddie Kirk, right here.

Hey!

You fine. How you are? Take you home.

You come out. No problem.

Take you home. Safe now from VC.

Hi. This is Marty Lee Dreiwitz at Cronauer Control Centre.

Adrian Cronauer is on temporary assignment...

and I'll be filling in until he arrives, hopefully sometime this morning.

Right now, let's play a song from Adrian's own playlist, one of AC's favourites.

It's going to be an exciting day of listening and learning, so please, tune in.

''Sukiyaki,'' ''Volare,'' ''The Portuguese Washerwoman''...

- and ''Third Man Theme'' on the Kirk International-- - Baby, please don't go

Baby, please don't go

Baby, please don't go down to New Orleans

You know l love you so Baby, please don't go

- Baby, l'm done gone Baby, l'm done gone - Hold it, hold it, hold it.

- What's up? - I try to find ''Cronow.'' He don't show up in class.

He didn't show up for work today either. You know anything about this?

Listen, jerkoff!

We're here fighting for your country! Now where did Cronauer go?

An Lac. His pass say ''An Lac.''

An Lac? Shit!

- You okay? - Yeah. Yeah. You okay?

No.

Come on, pal. We'll make it.

- I have a hunch. - Yeah.

Baby, please don't go

- VC. The fuckin' VC. - Tell me somethin' I don't know, okay?

On that midnight train

Baby, please don't go

- How far you think we've gone? - Ten, fifteen miles.

Think we've reached Cambodia yet?

How can you fight a war in this shit?

I don't know where they are. I don't even know where I am.

Can't see dick. Like hunting with Ray Charles.

It okay! You can come out now.

If you here, I cannot find you unless you talk to me.

It's too dangerous staying here.

You don't believe it's me? Okay. Flip them the bird!

- Tuan? - Hey, there you are, ''Cronow.''

How the hell'd you find us, Sparky?

Your Jeep.

We're obviously not in Cambodia.

Try it again.

One more time.

God damn it. Our Jeep gets blown off the road, and his van won't start.

- That's great. You know why we ended up in the same place? - Why is that?

Your limp pulled us to the right. We were going around in circles.

Stick with me. I don't want to go around again.

We're not in Kansas any more, Toto.

Listen.

Somewhere over there.

There it is, man. Yo!

Yo! Right there!

Yo, GI! Hello, sailor! Hello!

Boogaloo, boogaloo! Hey!

To avoid razor burn problems, always rinse your razor with cold water instead of hot.

Your skin will look and feel a whole lot better.

That's it for ''Hygiene in the Heat.'' Tomorrow we'll--

- Welcome back. - Thank you, Sergeant. I've missed you.

I'm informing you that you're outta here. I want your bags packed and ready to go tomorrow afternoon.

- You don't have the power. I'll take this right to the authorities. - I am the authorities, you moron!

Oh, I got your pansy ass in a sling now, Cronauer. Who's Tuan?

The guys who flew you in from An Lac radioed they'd picked up a young South Vietnamese boy with you and Garlick.

- Who is this South Vietnamese boy? - He's a friend from my class who risked his ass to save my life.

A friend? Your friend is a VC terrorist.

Yeah, and my mother's a werewolf, right? Yeah.

Tuan is also known as Phan Duc Tho.

He's currently wanted by the South Vietnamese police in connection with several bombings in the area...

including the one at Jimmy Wah's.

Surely you're familiar with that incident.

Did you ever wonder how a young South Vietnamese boy gets into and out of VC-held territory.

It's dangerous out there. Things just jump out at you.

And yet this boy can get in and out without a scratch.

And what about Jimmy Wah's? Didn't you ever wonder why you were pulled out...

just moments before the whole place blew up?

Or are you normally not that inquisitive?

Friends of Phan Duc Tho.

These three were executed shortly after this photo was taken.

Your friend is next.

I don't recommend that you tangle with me on this one, Airman.

There's not too many high-ranking officers would be sympathetic to a serviceman with links to terrorists.

The army is kind of quirky that way.

A conviction on the charge of treason against the United States carries with it some penalties...

kind of on the stiff side, if you know what I mean.

I have arranged for an honourable discharge, provided you leave without incident.

- Ten hut. - At ease.

Cronauer, I'm sorry as hell about this thing. God damn it, I like you, son.

I like what you do. Most of all, I like what you've done for the men.

But facts are facts.

This could give the army a black eye. I'm not gonna cover for you this time, son.

Sir? What about the show?

We'll handle it.

I'm sorry, son.

Why'd you do this?

I don't like your style, your politics or your sense of humour.

I don't like what you say or how you say it.

From now on, the fighting men of Vietnam will hear exactly what they're supposed to hear.

You're on a DC-8 from Tan Son Nhut airport tomorrow at 1 830 hours.

I recommend you pack quietly.

That's all I have for you, Airman.

You know...

you're in more dire need of a blow job than any white man in history.

Whoa, there, Dick. Put the brakes on. I wanted to wait till the airman left to talk with you.

Uh, Dick, I'm transferring you.

- Transferring me, sir? - Mm-hmm.

- Where to, sir? - You're going to Guam.

Guam, sir! There's nothin' goin' on in Guam! Why Guam?

Dick, I've covered for you a lot of times 'cause I thought you was a little crazy.

But you're not crazy. You're mean. And this is just radio.

''More dire need of a blow job than any white man in history.'' That's funny.

Hey, Teacher! When are you gonna teach us the softball?

Listen, I gotta talk to you. Now! Come on.

- Mr Cronauer, I must talk to you. - Oh, Minh, not now.

- Listen, you gotta tell me where your brother is. - Don't know.

Listen, his life is in danger. You gotta tell me where the hell he is.

- No, I don't-- - Bullshit!

Listen. No more games, okay? The army knows about your brother.

I have to leave the country because of my association with him.

They have pictures of him. If they find him, they will shoot him.

If you want to continue to have a brother, you take me to him now!

Phan Duc Tho!

Get back here!

Know about the bombings, Sparky.

No wonder you hauled ass.

You were my friend.

I trusted you.

You hear me?

You naive man, ''Cronow.'' You take a stupid side.

Now you have to go. It's better off.

That's not the fucking point!

Understand me?

I fought to get you into that bar, and then you blow the fuckin' place up.

Listen. I gave you my friendship and my trust...

and now they tell me that my best friend is the goddam enemy!

Enemy? What is enemy?

You killing my own people so many miles from your home.

We not the enemy. You the enemy!

You used me to kill two people. Two people died in that fuckin' bar.

Big fucking deal!

My mother is dead.

And my older brother, who be 29 years old, he dead.

Shot by Americans.

My neighbour, dead. His wife, dead.

Why?

Because we're not human to them.

We're only little Vietnamese.

And I'm stupid enough to save your bullshit life at An Lac.

Wait.

We're here to help this country. Where the fuck you goin'?

It's unbelievable.

Five months in Saigon...

and my best friend turns out to be a VC.

This will not look good on a r�sum�!

- You guys mind if I drive? - Be my guest.

It's a simple rule. If the engine's humming, it's already started.

Never fails. You guys mind if we make a little unscheduled stop? I got something I gotta do.

If you attempt to deviate from the aforeplanned schedule, you're under arrest, Cronauer.

Okay, everybody, let's play ball!

Go into conference. That point. That fence.

- Okay, here we go. - Go, batter. Go, batter.

Whoa! Headin' north!

Let's go! Was it a double or a daiquiri?

Wait a minute. All right!

Thank you!

Whoa. A little conference here, Wilk. A little conference. Time out, everyone.

This not like a real baseball. It's much smaller and harder than-- than this one.

You got me there, Wilk, because-- I'm sorry. We have no budget, you see.

And I gotta get on a plane, and we have to do with what we can. Give me your hand.

- Thank you. - Thank you. - Thank you all the same.

- Thank you all the same, and-- You wanna take the ball? - No.

Okay. We gotta play, Wilk. You're pitchin'. There's only--

I want to turn in the ball to the-- see, the original place.

- Okay. Let's take one more ball here. This one's a better one. - No, no.

- Not that one? - No need. - We haven't got a real baseball, Wilk.

- Bear with me, okay? - Okay. - We haven't got the money, pal.

- Anyway-- - Okay? Is that one okay? - I accept that this is a very good substitute.

- Okay. Let's just play with the substitute then, okay? - Okay.

- Okay. - This is a deal. - It's a deal? - This is a deal.

Okay, take the ball with you, then, Wilk. I'll give you money if you take the ball.

- No. - No? - I'm sorry. - Okay.

- I'm-I'm-- I've no money. Sorry. - Is there a psychiatrist here?

Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa!

Yeah! Go! Run, run, run! Okay.

He's not out till you have both hands on the ball!

Keep your eye on the fruit. That's it. Eye on the fruit.

Okay, on the fruit, on the fruit.

- Go, go! Run, Minh! Run! - Come on, Minh! - Run, Minh!

Keep go-- Keep going!

- She's actually goin' home. - Well, l'm goin'out West where l belong

- That's it. We'll all change sides. - Where the days are short and the night are long

- Yes, Wilkie! - Well, they walk and l walk

- They twist and l'll twist - Hey, Wilk. Wilk, you got a base hit.

They shimmy and l'll shimmy They fly and l'll fly

Well, they're out there a-havin'fun

ln that warm California sun

Well, l'm goin'out West out on the coast

Where the California girls are really the most

Where they walk and l'll walk

They twist and l'll twist

They shimmy and l'll shimmy

They fly and l'll fly

Well, they're out there havin'fun

ln that warm California sun

Yeah, me too. Hey, hey. Oh, hey.

When you look like Goliath, so might you...

- You take care. Take care. - beware of-of some-some David.

We had a great day.

Thank you.

Well, Mr Cronauer, we, we thank-thank you for your fine teaching about softball...

and we have learned a lot from you and we wish you good luck and success.

- Thank you, Wilkie. - Thank you. - Thank you.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

- You guys ready to go? - Can you give me a minute?

Man, he's gonna say goodbye to the whole goddam country now.

I want to say goodbye before you go.

To tell you...

thank you for being so kind.

So many things not happen the way you want it.

You so good person...

but I could not with you.

We are so different.

I say ''tomato.'' You say ''xioh phoung.''

See you.

- Staggers the imagination. - Makes me unique, doesn't it?

- What a plus. - Flip them the bird!

Left, right!

Three, four!

Left, left! Left, right, left!

Left, left! Left, right, left!

Left, left! Left, right, left!

It was a pleasure making your acquaintance, sir. Thanks.

- Cut that out, Garlick. We're the same rank. - What will I do without you, sir?

- Well, you carry on, Montesque. - Carry on, Montesque.

Carry on. I like that. It makes me feel, uh, British or something.

I've got something here for you.

I want you to play this. It says goodbye to everybody stayin' behind.

- I'll take care of it pronto, sir. - You could get in trouble for that.

I requisitioned for a name change. Trouble is actually my new middle name.

Well, I'll give you the old chuck on the shoulder now.

It's a stupid thing to do, isn't it?

You take care.

Ed, your fly's open.

Made you look.

Good morning, Vietnam!

This is Eddie Garlick coming to you live from AFRS...

Armed Forces Radio Saigon.

It's 1 629 hours here in Saigon, and Airman Adrian Cronauer is going home today.

But he left a farewell message for all you guys out there still sweating it out in the fields.

So without further ado, here's a farewell extravaganza.

Goodbye, Vietnam!

That's right, l'm history. l'm out of here. l got the lucky ticket home, baby.

Rollin', rollin', rollin' Keep them wagons rollin', Rawhide

Yeah, that's right. The final Adrian Cronauer broadcast.

And this one is brought to you by our friends at the Pentagon.

Remember the people who brought you Korea? That's right. The US Army.

lf it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's probably not being done by the Army.

''l heard that. ''Oh, ho, you're here! Good to see you.

''l'm here to make sure you don't say anything controversial. ''

Speaking of things controversial, is it true that there is a marijuana problem here in Vietnam?

''No, it's not a problem. Everybody has it. ''

''l don't know, Adrian. '' Leo! Leo.

''Adrian, take care of yourself. l just want you to know one thing.

lf you're going to be dressing in civilian clothes, don't forget pumps. ''

Thank you, Leo. Thanks for these. Oh, these are special.

''They're ruby slippers, Adrian. Put these on and say, 'There's no place like home...

there's no place like home, ' and you can be there. ''

l hope. l hope we all could.