Original subtitles

[dramatic music playing]

[Robert] God, help me! Can you believe this?

We date for three months, you know, I've left shirts

in the cleaners for longer than that.

You know what, it's like you're on the freeway, right?

And you're daydreaming and your mind wanders for a moment.

Then all of a sudden, zap, you missed the exit.

Blindsided. There's no rest stop,

there's no U-turn, you're just...

just on your way to God-knows-where.

You know, what are the chances that two people

who are casually dating,

losing both of their apartments within days.

Astronomical, right?

I mean, was that fate or just sort of cosmic burp?

You know, one day, the biggest problem I've got

is whether I should order Chinese or Italian for dinner.

The next thing I know, I'm living with this

practical stranger who's getting hysterical

because I leave a tube of paint in the bathroom.

Okay, you're brushing your teeth.

Come on. Who checks the labels?

And two days later, I'm still flossing

cadmium red out of my molars.

She thinks this is funny.

It's going to be a triptych.

Three businessmen in suits with red teeth.

I've tried to explain this, turns out, he doesn't even know

-what a triptych is. -I keep asking myself,

"How did I end up with a painter?

What am I doing with a lawyer?

I gotta admit,

it does have its moments.

Between you and I,

-the sex. -The sex is great.

It's like vacation last summer.

You know, I wanted to relax. You know, go to the ocean,

sit on the beach. She wants to go hiking.

So, what's his solution? We flip a coin.

So now, we're climbing the Alps.

I've got six days of freeze-dried fruit

strapped to my back. I got blisters on my blisters.

He's bitching and moaning the whole way up.

He's freezing, he's tired.

Then we break the timberline.

And we're all alone, nobody around.

And this view, it just goes on forever.

And we both stop cold.

And we're standing there like that.

And it's incredible, the view.

The mountains, it's amazing.

And I turn and I look at her.

She drops her pack on the ground.

-I drop my pack. -And we stare at each other.

The next thing I know, we're tearing our clothes off.

And then right there, branches crackling,

bugs running for cover, it was...

It was incredible.

I don't know what overcame me, I was just-- I was...

you know, maybe it was the oxygen deprivation, I was...

I don't know, maybe some kind of hormonal imbalance.

And that's when I said it, "Will you marry me?"

That's when I said, "Yes."

[birds chirping]

[church bell ringing]

[tires screeching]

[whimsical music plays]

[tires screeching]

[tires screeching]

[whimsical music continues]

[tires screeching]

[tires screeching]

Is Marangello with one L or two?

-Two. -[Francoise] Who is he?

My father's cousin. He owns a laundry.

-What does he really do? -He owns a laundry.

He does.

He owns a Laundromat in Pigalle.

He's a little old man

who grows tomatoes on the weekends.

Godfather and guest.

[both laughing]

If the couple themselves make the announcement,

the husbands full coat of arms

may be embossed on the invitation.

Your turn to do the dishes.

Have you ever seen my family's coat of arms, Francoise?

A sponge and a scrub brush crossed over a dirty plate.

Well, that's it for today

How many?

The chapel holds 600.

When my grandmother got married, there were 500.

How many at our wedding?

-Three hundred. Give or take. -[Robert] Three hundred?

You're kidding.

You're not kidding.

Will you please tell him not everybody's gonna show?

-Three hundred? -Not everybody's gonna show.

Catherine, who are these people?

Three hundred people? I gave you a list of 30 names.

[Catherine] Well, my mother added a few.

-Oh, right. Your mother. -Guys!

[Catherine] I don't know what you're so angry about.

My family's paying for it.

I wanted a relatively intimate affair, not a circus.

So, why did she stop at 300?

I mean, they own their own church

and it holds 600.

Oh, come on. Let's get on with this.

We should be able to round this off in no time.

Oh, because, look, we're definitely missing

some key personnel. Michael Jackson,

Maradona, Jackie Onassis, not here.

I want Michael Jackson to sing "Ave Maria."

No, better yet, we invite the pope.

We get the pope and he and Michael sing it together.

This is not helpful.

[Francoise] Is it His Excellency, the Pope

or Your Excellency?

I think it's His Holiness.

-His Holiness. -What are you doing?

Don't waste envelopes. They're 13 francs apiece.

[Robert] Well, let her Catherine.

We're talking about some very unique

gift possibilities here.

Original Michelangelo, holy relics.

Potential honorary sainthood.

Vatican City, Rome.

You're not really gonna send that, are you?

-[Francoise] Of course, I am. -And tell her Francoise.

Not everybody's gonna show.

Not everybody's gonna show.

[whimsical music playing]

[Robert moaning]

[Catherine laughs]

Are you sure we're doing the right thing?

[pants] Sure we are.

Okay.

[whimsical music playing]

[church bell ringing]

[man] Oh, I've seen you've redecorated

your office again, Cardinal Koenig.

And a very nice job you've done of it, I must say.

Seems strangely familiar somehow.

Well, actually, it's modeled after the papal offices in Rome.

Of course. You must be wondering why I'm here.

I always have time for the papal emissary.

A lovely thing to say.

Well, it's like this.

His Holiness has decided to come to France.

It's been so long.

We've tried to be patient.

How long do I have to get ready?

-He'd like to come next month. -Next month?

But that's-- I'd better get right on it.

That's the spirit.

[vacuum cleaner whirring]

[phone ringing]

[vacuum cleaner stops]

Answer the phone, please. Please.

[phone ringing]

-Hello? -[Archdiocese] Good day!

Is this Touchet and Associates?

Yes.

[Archdiocese] This is the Archdiocese of Paris.

I have Cardinal Koenig on the line for Mr. Bernard Touchet.

Okay. Wait.

Touchet here.

[Koenig] Cardinal Koenig speaking,

I need to arrange an urgent meeting.

Oh, yes. Will you give me a moment?

I have to check my schedule.

[Koenig] Hello? Hello? Mr. Touchet?

Well, uh, it's short notice, Cardinal,

but I think I can shuffle a few things.

[indistinct chatter]

[receptionist] Thank you. Yes, I'll cover you.

[man] Hi! Faldo?

Faldo? Uh, Faldo? Oh, yes, downstairs.

-Faldo? -[Robert] Yes.

[phone ringing]

Thank you.

Hey, Robert. Hey, look, how are you doing?

Gilbert, if you're gonna do paper litigation--

no, no, let me rephrase that.

If you're gonna get stuck in paper litigation,

the most important part of your job

is becoming one with your document.

-Yeah? -Understand paper.

Where's that damn paper? Yeah.

-Become paper. -Yeah?

I lost it.

[groans]

[Gilbert] Hey, Robert, I think you need a break.

-I can't do that. -Why is that?

-I'm 1,600 pages behind. -So?

So, they're trying to drown me, Gilbert.

Nobody's trying to drown you.

-Hello Gilbert. -[Gilbert] Hi.

[Helene] See you tonight, Robert.

Yes.

Hey, Robert. What exactly does she mean by,

"See you tonight, Robert" kind of thing?

I mean-- I mean, just look at this girl.

I mean, Robert, I mean,

the woman is really finding

the erotic possibilities of corporate wardrobe.

She and I have been assigned to this new project.

Hey, you mean just you and Helene?

-Yes. -You mean, just you and Helene

and all this nice, soft paper?

-Yes. -I mean, Jesus, Robert.

What a way to kiss your bachelorhood goodbye.

Gilbert, do me a favor, all right?

Just don't say anything about this to Catherine.

All right, I won't.

[Robert] She wouldn't understand.

I don't understand either so...

You've got it! Out.

God!

[Gilbert] Okay! Okay! Thank you.

Okay. It'll be all right. Let's see.

[cars passing]

This is impossible! It's catastrophic!

Five million francs-worth of canvas,

wandering endlessly around the continent...

They're tracing the shipment, Mr. Chenier,

it's just a matter of time.

Don't you realize? This is a Liebertz painting.

Oh, no. You don't mind.

You've got other things to think about.

You've got plenty to think about.

In a few months' time, you're going to be asking me

for maternity leave.

-I told them it was important. -Important?

[laughs] Don't you realize?

The only thing that keeps me away from total madness

is that Liebertz doesn't know.

No.

Say it's not so.

I tried to stall him but--

-No. -[Catherine] ...he's on his way.

Tell him-- tell him-- tell him I'm in hospital.

Tell him the entire family were in a car crash.

A huge tragedy. Oh, gosh.

[indistinct rambling]

[Catherine] We're all very concerned

about the painting. Uh, it's a masterpiece and...

So, Chenier left you to be my sacrificial offering?

Of course, you want a painter, don't deny it.

-You are good or not? -Oh, well, I...

I used to think so.

For years, I was convinced my work was crap.

Today, only industrialists can afford my paintings.

[laughs]

Self-confidence is a sham.

Work and doubt, you work and you doubt.

Have dinner with me tonight.

No, I can't. I'm engaged.

Break it.

No, I'm getting married. I...

[gasps] Bourgeois.

Nonsense. A painter, a painter must be scandalous.

Spontaneous passion, a painter is not a nurse.

You are very beautiful.

Most erotic woman.

Thank you.

Ah, perhaps I will come to your marriage.

I will arrive unannounced, unexpected.

Every ceremony should have the specter

of spontaneity about it

to remind you, you are alive.

Perhaps as a married woman,

you will be even more attractive to me.

[gasps]

[ominous music playing]

The church usually takes a dim view of public relations.

But in this case,

the pope, the time frame.

There are times when we all need a helping hand.

So, what do you have in mind?

There's a great deal of light and music

that follows His Holiness when he travels.

I wonder if a few of those floodlights

couldn't possibly focus on our humble parish.

And on those who are so dedicated to it.

We don't have much time, Cardinal.

I think it's best to underline a single story, if you will.

And if I may say so, you are the story.

We need to see your diocese through you.

Through your dedication, your piety, your future.

Yes. Yes, I think that might work very well.

Of course, I'd want your personal attention on this.

Well, normally, I had work

in a strictly supervisory capacity

but I think you're right.

These may be too delicate to turn over to my staff.

I'd require access to your files,

schedules, correspondence, et cetera.

-By all means. -And of course,

a small retainer.

[car drives past]

[sighs] So you'll be shuffling papers

until one o'clock in the morning?

Listen, I left some cannellonis in the fridge.

Oh, great.

[Robert] It's on the bottom shelf.

You see it?

You know, it's not fair. They get to go home

and they leave you there all alone.

[Robert] Yeah. Just me and all this paper.

Now, set the oven on 300.

Let him heat up really slow.

Really, really slow.

Okay.

[Robert] When the cheese on the top starts to bubble,

it's ready and you just pull it out

and it's gonna taste so good.

[chuckles]

[whispers] Just a minute.

-Okay? -[Catherine] Okay.

All right. I love you. Bye.

-Ready to go for it? -Ex--

[Helene] The Tanizaki brief.

The brief!

[water dripping]

What would I do?

Cross collateralize the Belgian accounts.

Tell the Germans that our liability

on the cost overruns are subject to approval by their tax people.

They take one look at the numbers

and beg us to take the project.

[chuckles]

What are they doing sticking you down here?

You should be in court. I'm serious, Robert.

You gotta do something about it. Let them know you're here.

Why don't we go have a drink and talk about it?

Oh. Um...

-I-- look, believe me, it's... -I know. You're getting married.

I don't wanna complicate your life.

But you're going to anyway.

My home phone. Never up, never in.

[dramatic music playing]

[Liebertz] Scandal, passion, art.

[indistinct chatter]

[Robert] So, eight o'clock sharp, tomorrow night.

-Okay? -Your sister, is she cute?

Oh, come on. She's 12 years old.

I'm looking for a little support.

-Mom. -[woman] Yeah.

Pop, get the new suit?

[scoffs] New suit.

Why do I need a new suit to go to dinner?

[Robert] Dad, please.

My old suit's been good enough for 15 years.

Now, all of a sudden, I gotta buy a new suit. Why?

I'm a fishmonger and proud of it.

If it's not good enough for these people,

then, uh, too bad.

-He got a suit. -Oh, yes.

It's very nice. Don't worry.

[owls hooting]

So, we're all clear? Eight o'clock tomorrow night?

I do hope we are not making a mistake

-with this, dear. -What is it now, Mother?

[Nathalie] I simply mean that, well,

Au Clair is only one of the most exclusive restaurants in Paris.

I would simply hate for Robert's family to feel, uh...

Uncomfortable...

Don't you agree, dear?

Don't you think we might be better off

with something more low key?

They'll be fine, really.

[church bell ringing]

[mumbles]

[indistinct chatter]

Goddamn it!

I've got it. [chuckles]

I've got it. [chuckles]

Yoo-hoo! Got it!

Keep up the good work, boys.

[ominous music playing]

[laughter]

[Nathalie] What I mean was that I was surprised

you'd have the oysters.

Because, well, [chuckles]

you must see a great deal of them, don't you?

Mother, don't you think that...

We had a gardener once. We've since let him go.

But we asked him one spring if he might put in

some lavender around the back gardens.

Well, the man went completely over the top.

By the end of the season, I thought I'd go mad

if I saw another stalk of purple.

[laughter]

A wedding?

[Bernard] Completely unsolicited.

It was in your mail pouch.

A return from Rome, unopened.

A wedding.

Not just a wedding, a union.

A confirmation of the fundamental purpose

of our church.

A symbolic ritual that captures the essential

universal moment in the lives of the faithful.

A wedding.

I was going to go into business with my brother.

But he wanted to set up a place in the 16th arrondissement.

I told him I'd sweep the streets

rather than sell good fish,

to a bunch of women carrying Pekingese dogs

with diamond collars. [laughs]

You have a Pekingese, don't you dear?

Hmm.

[Nathalie sighs]

What happens every time you're with the pope?

He's standing up there, talking, and you're listening.

He has a chance to reverse the positions.

You perform the service as His Holiness looks on.

Give the pope the world,

a chance to see you as the dynamic presence you are.

[Nathalie] It's really-- please, its unnecessary.

I'm sure the waiter can, please, Mr. Faldo.

Nonsense.

The man was going about it backwards.

By these prices, you should at least have the right

-not to choke to death. -Mr. Faldo,

this just isn't done.

Do you mean they live together?

Oh, Cardinal, please.

That's the beauty of it.

Two professional modern Catholic kids

stepping out of sin.

Two young people so desperate for confirmation,

they had to invite the pope to their wedding.

Two good families from the polar ends

of your constituency coming together

under the grace of your mercy.

-Yes, an act of joy and harmony. -[glass shatters]

[Philippe] Oh, come on, Mr. Vernet, I'm paying this.

[all bickering]

[Robert] When I say your mother's rude,

it's not just my opinion, it's an objective state of fact.

Well, doesn't that make all the difference?

I'm saying she was high-headed and condescending,

you have to be blind not to see that.

Well, I was busy staring at the chip

on your father's shoulder, I missed it.

He had the right to be defensive.

-The word is paranoid. -The word is bitch.

Oh! That's over the line.

Well, don't hold your breath for an apology.

[sighs]

Have you ever been lost in the night,

cold, hungry, all alone in the middle of the desert?

I can't say I have.

[Bernard] And suddenly, suddenly, someone

gives you two sticks.

You turn your back to the wind.

You start rubbing them together as hard as you can.

Friction, warmth, life,

no wisp of smoke.

You rub harder, you give it air,

you keep at it and my God, you've got a flame.

It's getting hot, hot enough to warm yourself.

Hot enough to cook your food.

Hot enough to burn your face off.

Ah, you party pooper.

[child laughing in distance]

[Robert] What are you doing?

I'm going to work.

It's Sunday.

I got an opening Tuesday.

That's my coat.

It's cold, I'm taking it.

[keys jingling]

[woman] You've reached 49563210,

Helene Martin can't come to the phone right now

but if you leave a message,

she'll do what she can to make it up to you.

Ciao.

[phone ringing]

[humming]

[Catherine] How long have you been sleeping

-with Helene Martin? -What? Catherine...

[call ends]

[slams phone]

Sunday delivery.

This came for you.

Oh, this is quite a collection.

Somebody die?

Mr. Chenier has an admirer.

You are a liar.

Who the hell is Liebertz?

He's a painter.

My God, he's famous, you've never heard of Liebertz?

No. I've just become acquainted with his work.

"Spontaneity, liberty,

infidelity,

my canvas awaits you, love Liebertz."

I don't know. Call me old-fashioned,

but I got a little problem with that.

Don't drag this down to the same level

-as you and Helene. -Oh, come on,

what the hell is it with this Helene Martin?

We're doing a project together, so what?

Yeah, when did it start?

I didn't-- nothing started.

[Catherine] I knew we had problems

but I never expected anything like this.

Not yet. Seven, eight years down the line, maybe but now...

What has this Liebertz been telling you?

He doesn't tell me anything. He sends flowers.

Okay. Our class is over.

We're going home. Come on.

You're telling me we're going home?

If you think I'm gonna let you stick around here

and compare brush strokes with some... some...

some horny, Polish Picasso, you're out of your mind.

You're not gonna let me do anything.

-You wanna paint? -Yeah.

Paint.

God forbid, you should suffer for your art a little.

You know, sometimes I think you'd just sooner have me

in some house coat making babies and pasta.

What the hell does that mean?

It means I have no intention of ending up like your mother.

Oh, no, no, no.

You would prefer sleeping your way to the top

-with the Parisian art scene. -[scoffs]

Look at you, your suit,

your degree,

your cologne.

At least with your father, you can smell it.

Oh, enough!

[sighs]

One fact is coming through loud and clear.

No way we're getting married.

Oh, you can say that again.

[dramatic music playing]

Madeleine...

Madeleine, I'm telling you this time the check

really is in the mail. This time it won't bounce.

I'm back on top.

-Things are looking up and-- -[call cuts out]

My wife. She's okay.

So, what do you think, eh?

Better?

[laughs]

[Francoise] This one.

-Mm. [giggles] -[Francoise laughs]

[slurring] Screw her.

And her whole snooty family.

[laughing]

Yeah. Screw 'em.

I knew she wouldn't let us down.

[glasses clink]

-I knew he'd wake up. -Hallelujah.

-[doorbell ringing] -[knocking on door]

[sighs]

[whispers] It's, uh... me...

I'm not here for small talk.

I'm not here for big talk.

I'm here because my things are here.

-Do you know what time it is? -Yeah.

So, can I come in?

Are you drunk?

Well, I have to be at work in four hours.

I need my stuff.

Oh. All right. Okay.

One night.

You sleep downstairs.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Yes.

[panting]

Hello?

Yes, it is.

Pope.

It's not a joke.

The Pope wants to come to the wedding.

-There is no wedding. -Yeah, I know it.

And you know it. But, apparently,

-the Pope's not psychic. -[Catherine] Oh.

So, then you told him what happened?

I was half asleep, I didn't get a chance to.

-Didn't tell him. -They woke me up.

I didn't know what hit me.

It's not like I've had a lot of practice saying it.

You tell him.

Who the hell expects a call from the Vatican

at 6:45 in the morning?

You would've done the same thing.

[church bell ringing]

Shit.

I don't know what you're sitting on, Bernard

but the word is that it's big.

If you say so.

Someone, uh, even mentioned Pope.

How about it?

Well, I can't keep it from a fan.

The Pope is involved.

The Bishop of Rome himself.

Jesus.

Oh, God.

Hey. I mean, what are we talking here?

I mean, you know, is he coming for surgery,

to bless the fleet. Come on, give me a hint.

Oh.

I like you, Patrick, and that's why I'm going

to give you a scoop.

January 29th.

January 29th.

And? Come on.

And that's all I can give you right now.

But as soon as I know more, I'll call you.

-29th. -29th. Come on.

No, no, no. I told you, I don't have a name.

Look, I spoke to him at 6:45 this morning!

Uh, press secretary, an assistant press--

I don't know, some PR guy.

Oh, come on.

How many Vaticans would you suppose are there?

That many?

[indistinct chatter]

No, I can't. Hang on.

I can't-- don't put me on hold.

Hey, Robert, old pal. The Pope?

Way to go!

[dramatic music playing]

[door unlocks]

Bernard Touchet. You must be Robert.

Yes.

Oh, you can't imagine what thrill it is to meet you.

And where is the bride-to-be?

Oh.

Here she is.

Catherine.

[sighs]

Oh, that's quite a development.

-We're very sorry. -We're more than sorry.

We don't know each other very well and that's too bad

because you can't understand what's at stake here.

You can't do that to me.

I mean, to the Pope.

It might seem strange to you, but a lot of work

has already been done on this, on your wedding.

Oh.

-We had no idea. -We sent the invitation

-as a joke. -A joke, huh?

So, that's it.

What do you mean, "that's it"?

It can't be.

I-- I want...

I want 24 hours.

Yes.

You owe me that as a courtesy about-- for damage control.

Twenty-four hours to try and save face.

You mean, don't tell anybody?

[Bernard] That's right.

Not a soul.

Think about it for a minute.

[breathes heavily]

Sorry about this. You kids caught me off guard.

Now let's go over this again.

-Over what? -Over what's going to happen.

If tomorrow evening you're still sure

this is a mistake,

we'll march downstairs and we face the music.

The church won't like it.

They might excommunicate you or something,

but nothing major.

And of course, of course, there's the second option.

Uh, yes? A second option?

Oh, no, no, forget it.

What is it?

Well, I mean, you could agree, despite the situation,

to go through with the wedding.

What?

Well, that way, you wouldn't lose

whatever advantages you might have gotten from it.

You'd have to go through the motions.

You're saying fake the wedding.

I'm sure there'd be advantages for everyone

but like I said, it's a wild idea.

Advantages. You keep saying "advantages".

Look, what are you talking about?

Twenty-four hours will give us the chance

to explore all that.

-Hmm? -Hmm.

We're agreed?

We'll take one day to scrape out the picnic

before the ants come out?

-Okay. -Great.

Thank you.

What the hell do you mean, "cold feet"?

Well, I-- I sense some friction.

Well, grease the damn thing down and get on with it.

Everybody gets skittish before they tie the knot.

I'm just trying to cover the flanks,

you know, worst case scenario.

[Koenig] Out of the question.

I've had calls from every diocese in the country.

Congratulations from every cardinal in Europe.

The Pope likes the idea.

-Yes, sir, I understand. -I don't think you do.

You got me into this, Touchet.

You're responsible.

If this blows up in my face,

I won't be the only one to suffer,

I'll make sure of that.

You tell this young couple of yours,

and you do it discreetly,

that if need be...

tell them I might be able to arrange a quiet annulment

-this time next year. -Good.

[groans]

My God, don't tell me we can't throw

a little wedding if we want.

-[man] Hello. -Mr. Boulanger.

Sir. What, am I late?

No, I'm early.

Let's go.

I spoke with Cardinal Koenig this morning,

he seemed concerned that there was some confusion

about your character.

I assured him that this was not the case.

Can we speak plainly, sir?

I don't think that will be necessary.

I reviewed your work here at the firm.

The consensus is that you're unhappy

in paper litigation.

You don't have to tell me, it's a shit job.

The firm has an opening in the Madrid office.

Exciting work,

very little paper.

We felt that you and your wife

might be interested in spending some time abroad.

Starting when, sir?

As soon as possible.

After the wedding, of course.

-What an excellent idea. -[sighs]

A one woman show. Just my own stuff.

Two days before the wedding.

The chance of a lifetime, Catherine.

-Would it seem a little... -Opportunistic?

Of course it will be.

Listen to me, your work's brilliant.

This'll be a chance for other people to see it.

-It's very tempting. -Don't let a few scruples

get in your way.

Newsprint, image,

these are all as essential and part

of a painter's palette as paint itself.

[reporter] Hey there he is.

[reporters speaking French]

[Robert] No comment.

[reporters speaking French]

[Robert] Just get-- move it.

Oh, for Christ sakes, no comment!

[indistinct chatter]

-So, when do they leave? -Oh, they'll come and go.

That will strike some little nerve out there.

They're not going to leave, are they?

Well the more you hide, the more they'll want.

But now that you've decided to go for the second option,

-we've got to do what's right. -Right.

How do we get rid of them?

All my clients asked me that, the answer is simple.

Tell them what they want to hear.

-Clients? -We're not your clients.

Oh, look, 48 hours ago, you were a romantic couple

on the cusp of one of life's more thrilling adventures.

-You wanna bet? -A love like that

doesn't just disappear overnight.

I'm just saying play along with it.

Set back the clock a little.

We were not in love, we were crazy.

And I never wanted to get married in the first place.

Oh! So, why did you get down on your knees and ask me?

-It was something I ate. -Hold it, hold it please.

Please. Your boss is offering you Madrid.

And you're going to get your own show.

I don't know if it's worth it to stay one minute

-under the same roof-- -The same for me,

sweetheart, I can walk out right now.

-Bye! -Goodbye. See ya!

Wait. Did I tell you about the annulment?

The cardinal's willing to give you

a nice, quiet, little annulment after a year or so.

As long as you promise to keep it under wraps, hmm?

[Robert] You know what, mister?

I think I can speak for Catherine and myself

when I say we're tired of this shit.

Don't you get it. Before there can be an annulment

-there has to be a wedding. -Yeah,

and there isn't gonna be a wedding.

Okay, you don't disagree on everything.

You hate me, that's common ground isn't it.

Doesn't that mean something?

-Hey, come on, we've gotta joke! -[door slams]

-[Catherine] Don't call us. -[Robert] We'll call you.

-Oh, God. -Oh, wow.

[laughter]

-[cat hisses] -Damn it.

[cat meows]

[Bernard] You've got it under control.

You're making it back out there.

You're giving it one more shot.

It ought to be worth something right?

So, what happens,

when you finally reach the crest on the hill,

exhausted, dirty, at the end of your rope?

There's some guy standing there

with a baseball bat.

And he whacks you one good one

and you're... [window thuds] ...back down the hill again.

[phone ringing]

Yes, Touchet.

[Koenig] Cardinal Koenig speaking.

Yes, Your Eminence.

I trust the friction has been taken care of.

[Touchet] Friction?

Oh. Yeah, yeah. All under control.

Yes, they just need a little talking to, that's all.

Fine.

You know, if this works out,

I might have a permanent position for you.

I very much look forward to that, Cardinal.

Thank you.

[replaces phone]

Thank you very much.

[whispering] Okay, Bernard, okay.

[breathes deeply] Okay, focus. Think.

What's in your bag of tricks?

Yeah.

[distant siren blares]

Yeah, why not.

The old true and tested methods.

-[drawer opens] -Yeah.

[in distorted voice] I now pronounce you man and wife.

[dramatic music playing]

Taxi!

Taxi.

Taxi!

Hey!

[Robert] Hold on.

'Cause, uh... this cab, you want it?

Yeah, uh... [chuckles]

Y-- Yo.

Well, no, you know, I don't.

-You take it. -No, no, no, no. No.

No. It's cold, please. Please take it.

Yeah, but you're cold too. So...

You know, why don't we share it?

Hey, come on!

[Catherine] I can't believe he did that. Are you okay?

My God.

-What are you doing? -I'm gonna get his number.

I should call the police, I should sue.

Don't tell me you're a lawyer.

God, no, I hate lawyers.

[romantic music playing]

[inaudible]

You know, there's a cafe over the way,

want to join me?

-Okay. -Okay.

-I'm Robert -Catherine.

-Nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you.

[Robert] It's over here, you'll love it.

[romantic music playing]

[woman] Hello, police headquarters.

[in distorted voice] I've got some information for you.

Death threats?

-[sighs] Are you sure? -It's probably nothing

but you never know.

The guy said he'd blow your heads off.

Can't you find out who it is and make them stop?

Unfortunately, the press already knows about it.

By tomorrow morning we'd have dozens of calls like that one.

-So, what do you suggest we do? -We'd keep you together,

so as to best ensure your protection.

They'll move without telling us.

We'll be with you around the clock.

[indistinct chatter on police radio]

[sirens blaring]

Hmm.

What do you know about this?

Uh, nothing.

-I-- I swear. -I mean, you've handled

this kind of situation before, haven't you?

Well, it happens sometimes.

A sicko thinks he can become famous

by killing someone who's already famous.

I'm really sorry it's come to this.

What if it's a joke?

[Bernard] What if it's not?

You can't take that chance.

I can't let you take that chance.

This is pretty convenient for you.

Yeah, you got us right here under your thumb.

How can you say that to me?

I'm just thinking of your safety,

as one human being to another?

[groans angrily]

-[reporter] Oh, there he is. -[Bernard] Blood suckers.

It's the same patrol car.

Jesus, Catherine!

-Stay away from the window. -[gasps]

Oh, save it for your next fiancée.

I was just trying to express some concern.

I guess you had to be there.

[telephone ringing]

Faldo.

[Nathalie] Are you getting married or not?

I mean this is insane.

Who the hell is this?

Don't take that tone with me young man.

This Catherine's mother.

Ms. Vernet, I'm sorry.

[Nathalie] What's wrong with you young people?

I mean the perfect wedding, it's wonderful,

maybe overdoing it, but what's wrong with Catherine?

What is wrong with Catherine?

I don't know. I've been trying to call all day!

-She doesn't answer the phone. -Well...

She-- She has a lot on her mind,

you know, this whole thing and all.

I know. I know. But you finally decided.

It's on, isn't it?

Robert?

Robert?

-Robert, answer me, Robert. -Uh, Ms. Vernet,

I'm in the middle of a meeting.

Can I call you back?

[sighs angrily]

But, I tell you, I'm his father.

That may be sir, but he's not here.

[Joseph] Well, I'll wait for him.

Or I'll talk with his girlfriend.

-You can't do that either. -Oh, what is this?

What's this circus?

We're his family.

We have the right to know

if he's getting married or not, don't we?

[bodyguard] I'm afraid, I'm gonna have to ask you

-to leave. -What?

But we're talking about my son!

I'm not leaving until I see him.

I'll be back.

[birds chirping]

-You look the way I feel. -[groans] You're late.

I couldn't find the right park bench.

Where's your bodyguard?

Over there, next to yours.

-So, why all the secrecy? -I don't know.

Paranoid, I guess.

I feel like the entire free world is about to go

sniffing through our dirty laundry.

[scoffs]

It's like the nuclear version of a shotgun wedding.

You're not kidding.

Boulanger is pressuring me to take this deal.

-The Madrid thing? -The year's posting,

it's a straightforward buy-out.

Chenier still wants to hang paintings,

main floor, real show,

[sighs] Two days before the wedding.

Oh, wow, this guy Touchet really plays hardball.

Well, he wants my paintings because they're good.

Yeah, but a little publicity wouldn't hurt, right?

What are you supposed to do when they throw it in your lap?

It's not quite the way you wanted it.

Resisting seems foolish.

-What are you saying? -They're shoving the steel

down our throats whether we like it or not, right?

-Yes, but we, you know-- -[Robert] If we back out now,

all hell is gonna break loose.

I'm gonna break my mother's heart,

the press is gonna kill us.

And there's only one way out.

We have to make a deal.

So, talk.

Total and equal split.

We don't have that long to go.

We give them what they want until after the wedding.

At home we alternate nights on the couch.

Everybody does their own dishes.

Silence, except for matters of actual physical importance.

We tell nobody.

-Francoise. -Philippe.

-My mother. -Deal-breaker.

No parents, they can't handle it.

Secrecy until after the ceremony.

Madrid for one year,

then a nice, quiet, uncontested divorce.

What about seeing other people?

Wow.

You're incredible.

Oh, I wouldn't wanna cramp your style.

Best behavior until Madrid.

Come on.

You'll do it? Really?

[sighs] What a wise decision.

You won't regret it. I promise you.

Okay, okay. Don't push it. We're not married yet.

Right, right. [chuckles]

[Catherine] There's two weeks before this whole thing happens

or doesn't happen.

[Bernard] And a wonderful, fun-filled two weeks

it's going to be...

Oh, I made some copies of-- just in case...

Let's see.

Photo sessions, interviews, all culminating

with the opening of your show at the gallery, Catherine.

And a little wedding rehearsal

the night before the actual event.

There's a hell of a lot of stuff here.

Uh-hmm. Busy, busy.

This afternoon, you'll meet Cardinal Koenig.

Catherine, avoid wearing anything too exotic.

And whatever happens, keep on smiling.

Don't interrupt the cardinal.

Who knows, one day he might get to be Pope.

[clears throat] Tomorrow morning,

we've got the first talk show of the week.

Uh, the morning show on Channel 2.

You get picked up at 6:15 sharp.

-Chauffeur, of course. -Well, I hate to remind you

but I have to be at work at 9:00.

Oh, not to worry Mr. Boulanger will understand,

don't you think?

Makeup is at 6:45 sharp.

I never wear makeup.

Oh. Oh, look.

You've made your decision and it was a wise choice.

Now, we've entered my domain.

The business I know.

Trust me.

-[cameras clicking] -[Koenig] It's been many years

since I've had a chance to give instruction

to a couple, embarking on marriage.

It brought back many memories of my days

as a parish priest.

And these two lovely young people

have restored my faith in the challenges.

[reporters chatter indistinctly]

The Countess de Montmorency,

she hasn't called in years,

and here she's groveling for an invitation.

-Isn't it wonderful? -One date's on,

the next date's off.

I'm just going to consider yesterday

as a classic example of what happens

when families fail to communicate.

-Communicate. -Communicate?

Communicate.

[phone ringing]

Oh.

[Joseph] It's more than an honor, Madam Vernet.

It's like a blessing from God himself.

And the girl is an angel.

[sighs]

[mumbling]

[mumbling]

Shit. Oh.

[clears throat]

[coin clinks in vending machine]

-[groans] -Can I talk to you for a minute?

Matter of life and death.

Life and death?

Don't be afraid. I'm Jerry Norman.

-How the hell are you Robert? -Fine, thanks.

-I gotta be back. -Hey. Wait a minute,

wait a minute. I just paid a lot of money

-to get this guy's uniform. -Huh?

There are only a few days left.

Has anybody talked to you again about merchandising?

About what?

All right. No matter what they offered you,

no matter what the offer is, Jerry Norman can top that offer.

Listen, I know we just met, Robert,

but do you have any idea about the amount of money

-involved in an event like this? -Hmm.

-Posters, dolls, buttons-- -Dolls?

Those are just the gimmies.

Listen to me. Listen to me.

Please, Robert, for the sake of your unborn grandchildren.

The key here is rapid deployment.

Get it on the shelf. Boom! Get it on the shelf. Boom!

Get it on the shelf.

So, you're telling me

there's a pretty good shot at cashing in on this,

-is that it? -Good.

Man, this is like having a key to the bank

on Sunday afternoon.

I don't know who's running your operation,

but this guy is damn good.

-This is gigantic. -You know,

-we could do a garter. -Yeah.

Yeah, champagne glasses.

You know, maybe... [whispers] ...maybe even a video.

An instructional wedding video.

-You are a genius. -Oh.

-Yeah. -Jerry.

-Can I call you Jerry? -Absolutely. Absolutely.

-All right. All right. Jerry? -Yeah?

Now if I see so much as one cocktail napkin

with my name, likeness, suggestion of the same,

I'm gonna have you in court faster than you can blurt out

-rapid deployment. -All right. Hey.

You want to negotiate? All right, we'll negotiate.

The important thing here is the life of the project.

Jerry, I got a couple of watchdogs out there.

I say the word, they're gonna throw you

in a slammer in two seconds.

-I can get samples. -[Robert] Jerry!

Look at yourself.

[Catherine clears throat]

[utensils clattering]

[plastic wrap popping]

[clattering]

[thudding]

[thudding]

[clattering]

[clattering, clanking]

Listen to this, darling. [laughs]

A kind of society woman who has tight-lipped energy,

a nearly obsessive sense of tradition

make her the perfect... field marshal

for this kind of historical media event.

Oh, they're saying you're a good administrator.

[chuckles]

They are saying I'm crazy.

[man] The sort of old-world, rough-and-tumble shopkeeper,

who confronts modern lifestyles

as if they were as temporary and useless

as the newspaper uses to wrap a piece of fish.

They're saying you're traditional.

Ah, they're saying I'm a moron.

-[telephone ringing] -[Touchet] Yes?

[woman] Cardinal Koenig on line one.

Hmm, put him through.

Your Eminence, how are you?

Why have you cancelled half of today's events?

Because if I push them any harder they'll explode.

Watch your step, Touchet.

There's only a few days left.

Yes, sir. I'll do that sir.

Thank you.

-Oh, boy, I don't like you. -[phone rings]

I heard it too.

It's outside the door.

[laughs]

I read this thing today.

They say that the second marriages

have a 40% better success rate than the first.

I guess you learn from your mistakes.

[chuckles]

You'll probably marry some neo-post-quasi-expressionist.

You'll have a studio in the city.

Chalet in the South of France,

where the two of you can strip naked

and make love all day in the sun.

Sounds great.

[Catherine] You'll probably marry some

nice, Japanese geisha girl.

She'll cook and clean and give you a massage.

Make love, make babies...

and vacuum all at once.

Woah.

[floor creaks]

[dog whimpers]

Good night.

[Catherine] Good night.

[peaceful music playing]

[sighs]

Oh, Jesus...

[car horn honks]

Heels or flats?

-Heels. -Really? It's not too much?

Definitely. No.

[Bernard] Hey, you folks. Hurry up.

Yeah. All your panics will be solved

by the time we get there.

The car is waiting.

Tell him to drive around the block.

Can't you see the lady's trying to get ready?

But this dress, it's...

-You think it's okay? -Oh, I love that dress.

You look great.

[Catherine] I'm just not sure about the shoes.

What about the purple heels?

-[Catherine] The purple heels? -Uh-hmm.

[Catherine] I don't know where they are.

They're downstairs, remember?

[Catherine] Right.

Hang on. I'll get them.

[sighs]

-[indistinct chatter] -[sprays]

[reporter] Okay. Now...

what our viewers really wanna know is...

where did you and Robert meet?

[Robert] Oh. [chuckles]

You're serious?

Yeah, well, okay, uh...

It was a dark, wintry night.

-Uh-hmm. -Uh-hmm.

-Yeah, it's about a year ago. -Yeah.

And-- well, I was at this big, pretentious party

with all these egomaniacal painters,

uh, and musicians.

And I don't know, I wasn't having...

Congratulations, Bernard.

Done it again.

[Catherine] So, I had gone,

you know, left the party and look--

was looking for a taxi, and lo and behold, so was he.

Right. We couldn't find one because it was one of those,

you know, horrible occasions...

[indistinct chatter]

[man] Hello.

[indistinct chatter]

[man] As long as we get some food...

[indistinct chatter]

What do you think?

I think now the real work begins,

which gives these pictures a history.

It should make an image for herself,

something dramatic, powerful, then maybe...

maybe she'd make a real success for herself.

For me?

It is terror.

Chenier for instance.

He loses my painting, he tells everyone

that I'm going to kill him.

He tells the world, he screams and cries

about how terrified he has become of me.

My persona becomes more shrouded.

My paintings become almost too frightening to look upon.

Fear runs my prices high.

It is a business.

[champagne bottle pops]

[indistinct chatter]

Scotch.

You know, make it a double.

[Szabor laughs]

[indistinct chatter]

Hmm. Face.

-Looks like you. -Why don't you go

suck on a camera?

Maybe you should switch to water.

Maybe you should try running yourself a conscience.

[indistinct chatter]

[exhales deeply]

[Robert] Having a good time?

-[man] I think-- I don't-- -[Robert] Oh, saint.

[indistinct chatter]

Well, here you are.

Hi.

Robert, uh, my fiancé.

This is Szabor Liebertz.

You are a very lucky young man.

Such a beautiful and talented woman.

Surely, you are blessed.

And surely, you are the asshole who sends the flowers.

Robert!

Jealousy is one of the most powerful

and most destructive of all emotions.

-[Szabor screams] -Oh, shit. I knew it!

[crowd exclaiming]

Ooh. Is that spontaneous enough for you?

[laughing]

[Catherine] Are you okay?

[Szabor] Of course. [laughing]

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

[Bernard] Goddamn it.

I can't leave you for a minute.

Jesus Christ.

Get him, get him, quick.

No.

Hey, stop that.

Give me-- give me that camera.

I'm gonna break your neck.

Get out.

[Szabor] This is a perfect-- [laughing excitedly]

Come. We are leaving here.

No, no, I...

Yes, yes, we are leaving.

-[Robert] Catherine! -[Catherine] Robert!

[indistinct chatter]

[Szabor] Goodbye!

Taxi! Taxi!

What a beautiful night. [laughs]

[indistinct chatter]

Helene...

you knew I was getting married before.

-It didn't seem to matter then. -[Helene chuckles]

Sure, Robert, but the Pope is involved now.

And you should be ashamed of yourself.

Bye.

[sighs]

[birds chirping]

[Szabor] This is Elena.

And Gretchen.

And Anita.

[birds chirping]

[Szabor] And Margaret.

One big, happy family.

And the children?

[Szabor groans]

Elena brought several with her.

The rest are holy children.

[dramatic music playing]

[horn honks]

[birds chirping]

If he's not here already, we're sucked. Sucked.

-All up in smoke. -I'm sorry.

I'm sorry? Do you have any...

Oh, my God.

[sighs angrily]

Oh.

[Robert] Just couldn't break our deal faster, could you?

[Catherine] What are you talking about?

[Bernard] Do you have any idea how close you came to blowing

everything we worked, do you?

[Robert] Best behavior 'til Madrid.

And maybe that wasn't specific enough for you.

-All I did was walk out. -[Bernard] That's enough.

[Robert] What did he do, take you

-to see his work in progress? -I had to get out.

Or did you just tear a quickie in the cab?

-[Bernard] Oh, please. -You are such an asshole.

Helene Martin says, "Hello".

-You didn't. -The legal term

-is infidelity. -Oh, you pig!

-Breach of contract, baby. -Oh, you bastard!

-[Bernard] Stop! -[Koenig] Mr. Touchet!

A word, Mr. Touchet.

-[Robert] All right. -[Bernard] Okay, folks.

Your choice.

In 24 hours,

you can either be sitting in first-class

on Flight 214 to Madrid

or here, on cheap seats

watching your personal lives trashed by every newspaper

-in the country. -[Robert sighs]

[Bernard] It's up to you.

Well, come on, Touchet.

[indistinct chatter]

I'd say the little friction you mentioned

is about to turn into hand-to-hand combat.

Stage fright. Just stage fright.

Enough bullshit, Touchet.

I had my suspicions about you,

so, I have done some checking.

God knows I should have done it before.

You're a fraud, and you got me to stick my neck way out.

I also heard about last night's fiasco

or did you think you could keep that from me?

They haven't slept a wink.

They look like something the cat dragged in.

Listen to me, you... con artist.

This is my last warning.

If this thing gets out of control,

you'd better get down on your knees and pray,

because I'll make sure your stubby little fingers

never type another press release again. Understood?

[birds chirping]

[priest] The directory was repaired

in 1649.

And then following our great fire,

which I believe I've already told you about,

they came from all over Europe, the--

Call this clean?

Hmm? It isn't clean!

The sound system.

Who's running the sound system?

Oh, yes, the sound system.

The sound system, uh...

[birds chirping]

[dog barking]

[Nathalie] Welcome.

-Welcome to Chateau Vernet. -[woman] Hello.

[man] How are you?

-Hello. -Oh, please, do come in.

It's a pleasure to have you here.

Did you have a nice journey?

Yes. Thank you, Mr. Vernet.

[Koenig] Let's get this right for tomorrow.

Just move a little closer together.

Hmm?

Repeat after me.

I, Robert Faldo...

I, Robert Faldo...

[Koenig] Take you, Catherine Vernet...

[sighs angrily]

In sickness and in health,

till death do us part.

[shouts] Till death do us part!

[Catherine] Oh, sorry.

Uh, what was the question?

Lovely job.

[door slams]

Would you go through with it?

If it was me, sure.

It's a good deal.

The only problem is...

they're still in love.

They just don't know it?

I can't tell you why the lights go on

when you hit the switch.

But you and me...

we'll eat this up.

[romantic music playing]

Feel like a nightcap?

Magic.

Beautiful.

Gorgeous.

My lovely, lovely little girl.

[chuckles]

[birds chirping]

[hums]

[door opens]

[Robert] Where the hell have you been?

Disappear to sweet God knows where.

The wedding's at 2:00, you show up at 1:00.

Arm, arm, arm, arm.

You want-- you want to get really nervous?

He just got here.

He? Who's he?

Pope, you dope.

-[church bell ringing] -[cheers and applause]

[reporter] His Holiness, the Pope, is actually

walking towards us.

The crowd here cannot remove their eyes

and I'm sure we're all touched by their simple faith.

A lot of these people have probably been looking

forward to an occasion like this for all their lifetime

and look how they've turned out here

in their finest Sunday clothes, and His Holiness

is walking through the crowd.

Some of these people are actually

within touching distance of him.

He's shaking their hands,

the children, kissing his hands...

[cheers and applause]

[helicopter whirring]

[cameras clicking]

[cheers and applause]

What do you mean, "clear the room"?

We're ready to bring them over to the church.

Oh, yes. There's a problem with the civil papers.

The woman arranging that seems to have disappeared.

I need them alone for two minutes.

Fine.

-But make it fast. -Oh, yeah.

[suspenseful music playing]

[Nathalie] But it's my daughter.

[man] Please, you can't go.

[Nathalie] But it's just not done.

The groom is never supposed to see the bride in her dress

before the wedding.

[Bernard] I was married to the same woman for 15 years.

I loved her.

I loved her and I hated her.

And we fought and wrestled until the day

she finally got fed up and walked out.

-That was just two years ago. -So, what's the point?

My biggest regret is,

that I let her do it.

We're here, all right?

We're going through with it.

No. No, no, no, no, you can't.

Out that back door, there's a stone wall.

There's a gate and this gate leads to a service road.

-I grew up in this house-- -What are you saying?

There's a red Renault.

In the glove compartment

are your wallets, passports,

and 50,000 Francs.

Get in that car

and drive as fast and as far as you can.

[knocking on door]

One minute.

If you go through with this,

you'll be bitter and compromised

and ruined before the year is over.

You two belong together.

Save yourselves.

Run out on the wedding.

Get away from all of this

and see if you can't salvage what it was

that brought you together in the first place.

I apologize for what I've done to you.

It's an ugly business.

And it does little things to your heart sometimes.

I can even give you an ulcer.

[indistinct chatter]

[suspenseful music playing]

Okay, over here.

[door opens]

[Catherine] Oh, my God.

[suspenseful music playing]

[screams]

[Robert] Jesus!

Hurry!

[car engine starts]

[sighs]

Okay.

Well, where are they?

They should be here any moment.

They'd better, hmm?

[Catherine] Oh!

[both laughing]

[Catherine] Be careful.

[suspenseful music playing]

[Catherine] Stop! You're gonna kill him!

[Catherine] No! Stop it!

[both scream]

[organ plays wedding march]

Where in God's name are they?

This is appalling.

An outrage.

Sabotage.

This is your fault. You've done this.

-Cardinal Koenig, please! -[grunts]

[birds chirping]

[tires screeching]

[Catherine] Oh, look out!

-[Robert] Oh, wow! -[Catherine] Look out!

[dogs barking]

I can't believe we're doing it.

-Oh. -[sighs]

I can't believe we blew off the pope.

[laughs]

[grunts]

[birds chirping]

[indistinct chatter]

So, where do you want me to drop you off?

I, uh, I don't know.

Where are you going?

Well, I'm not going to Helene's.

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah.

Nothing happened.

Nothing?

Nothing happened.

Well then why did you tell me you slept with her?

Well, uh, you ran off with Liebertz.

Oh, Liebertz?

Yeah.

Liebertz isn't uh...

What?

He isn't you.

[sighs]

[chuckles]

Nothing happened.

I want an investigation.

A full inquiry.

I get to--

[thuds]

Dear.

Good God, leave it be.

I'm telling you, it's a plot.

It's another Roman plot

to keep me from my rightful place in the Vatican.

[gasps]

Your Holiness.

There's a cafe up the way.

[laughs]

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

You wanna come?

Okay.

[dramatic music playing]

[tires screech]

I love you.

I love you, too.

Marry me.

Repeat after me.

I, Robert Faldo.

I, Robert Faldo.

Take you, Catherine Vernet.

Take you, Catherine Vernet.

[romantic music playing]

[Bernard] Madeleine, Madeleine. The check cleared, didn't it?

What I'm suggesting now is an intimate dinner

with who knows, uh, a little proposition.

Well, actually, it's more like a proposal.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

[romantic music playing]

[crowd cheering]

[bell ringing]

[applauding]

[romantic music playing]