Original subtitles

STEVE: Oh, you guys, that was great.

That was a great practice today.

Prudence, you work on your free throw

and we've got a really good chance at the championship.

ALL: Yeah! - Yeah, all right. Yeah. Heh.

So I'll see you guys tomorrow at mass, right?

ALL: Yeah. - Okay. Give me the ball.

Okay. Take care going home. Okay, bye. Bye. Bye, April.

BOY: Come to my house. Let's go. Come on.

Oh, Steve. Good.

I need your opinion on Sunday's sermon.

What's wrong?

I'm being followed, Frank.

- Are you serious? - Yes, I'm serious.

There are two guys, they're dressed like hoods

and somebody in a limousine.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Uh-oh.

FRANK: Hello.

Can I help you?

RICE: You Father Dowling? - Yes, I am.

You got a nun works here named Sister Stephanie?

I'm Steve Oskowski.

Do I know you?

Not a chance.

Tell your Sister Stephanie I want to see my daughter.

This is Sister Stephanie.

Don't play games with me, Father.

I'm not playing games.

Did Vicky put you up to this?

- Who's Vicky? - My daughter.

She was supposed to be home hours ago.

So where is she and where's Sister Stephanie?

Look, I'm Sister Stephanie.

Lady, you don't even look like her.

DRIVER: Boss, call for you.

What?

Oh, my God.

No, don't do anything.

Don't call anybody. I'll be right there.

Are you all right?

Father, I made a mistake. Forget about I was ever here.

Sister, sorry to bother you.

- Well, now, what was that all about? - I have absolutely no idea.

Frank, I know that guy from somewhere.

Only, he apparently doesn't know you.

Why was he asking for me?

I have absolutely no idea.

PHILIP: Father Dowling, would you come in here, please?

What is it, Phil?

Frank, far be it from me to raise a false alarm,

but we may have a serious problem on our hands.

FRANK: Oh? - You know what this is?

It's a jar.

No, no. Inside the jar.

Inside the jar.

It looks like a white ant.

Exactly. Heh.

Father Prestwick?

FRANK: What's your point, Phil?

I was in the cellar, getting a jar of preserves for Marie,

when I found this, crawling on the wall.

I think it's a termite, Frank.

Now, I'm not sure if it's a Rhinotermitidae or a Kalotermitidae,

but I'm fairly certain it isn't a Cryptotermes,

they mostly live in furniture.

Philip, I had no idea you were such an expert.

Taking a class.

Why?

Chicago is suffering a termite infestation, Sister.

It's page-one news.

FRANK: Sorry, I always read the sports section first.

The bishop wants me to do a thorough investigation

of all of the parish buildings.

Frank, they're everywhere.

They're particularly fond of older construction.

This could be the tip of a very ugly iceberg.

I'll know more when I check this out in class.

You know, this is really quite fascinating.

All of the research that I've been doing,

I'm becoming something of an expert on pests.

[PHILIP CHUCKLING]

- I won't say it. - Thank you, Marie.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

If I don't find a way to punch up this Sunday's sermon,

I'm not gonna have any problem sleeping tonight, I'll just read this.

- Maybe you need some jokes, Frank. - Yeah, I thought of that.

Give a listen, huh?

"One morning, a man wakes to find his house surrounded by a flood.

The water has risen past his first-floor window

and it's pouring into his bedroom when he takes refuge on the roof.

This is a religious man with a strong faith

and he prays to the Lord to save him.

[SPRAY CAN HISSING]

Before the man finished his praying,

a boy in a canoe paddles up and says..."

Marie, what are you doing?

Oh, sorry, Father, I was...

Are you worried about Father Prestwick's termites?

Well, between you, me and the wall, Sister, I hate bugs.

- They make my flesh crawl. FRANK: Me too.

- Me too. - You too?

It was bad enough having one bug,

when you think of a whole house full of them.

Well, let's just hope that Phil's termite alert proves to be a false alarm.

Yeah, well, you're gonna see me using a lot of this.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it, Marie. You just keep right on spraying.

- Give me a hand, Father? - Oh, my, Lord.

- Marie, call Dr. Wallace. STEVE: Put her on the couch.

MAN: I wanna take her to the hospital,

but she keeps on about this church, St. Michael's

and I figure, "You wanna go to St. Michael's,

- we go to St. Michael's." MARIE: My God.

Who am I to argue with a nun, right, Sister Stephanie?

STEVE: Huh? - Sister Stephanie?

MAN: Yeah, Sister Stephanie.

That's her name.

Wait, she's Sister Stephanie?

Sister Stephanie Oskowski.

You can call me Steve.

Still dizzy?

A little.

I think you'll be just fine.

Well?

No fresh bleeding.

No sign of a concussion.

What about her head wound?

It wasn't as serious as it looked.

Do you have any idea what hit her?

Whatever it was, it tore the scalp, but barely grazed her skull.

She's pretty disoriented.

Yeah, she thinks she's me.

WALLACE: That should pass.

I'd like to admit you to St. Bart's for observation overnight.

Oh, please, I don't wanna go to the hospital.

Can't I stay here? I feel safe here.

Safe from what?

Bruno.

Who's Bruno?

Is that the man who hurt you?

Yes.

No. I don't know.

I don't know.

Please...

In case you do have a concussion,

you'd be better off having someone at hand watching over you.

I can watch her. Put her in the spare room next to my room.

All right.

I'll check on her in the morning. I've got to go.

FRANK: Oh, there you go.

Oh, thank you.

Father, are you going to call the police?

Well, we do have friends on the police force.

I'll give them a call for a missing-persons check.

I'll stay in touch.

Thanks for coming by, Toni.

Oh, don't forget, you're deacon at this Sunday's mass.

What am I reading?

- Matthew 15. - Oh.

Healing the lame and the blind.

My favorite verse.

- Good night, Father. - Good night, doctor.

Got to get her settled in.

Thanks, I'm still a little woozy.

Well, you're in good hands.

That is a very frightened and confused young lady, Steve,

and she needs our help.

Frightened and confused.

Frank, whoever she is, she's no nun.

Well, now, how do you know that?

First clue, she had red fingernail polish underneath her cuticles.

Yes, I noticed that.

Second clue?

"Windy City Costume Rentals."

Well, now, why would anyone wanna pretend to be a nun?

Not just a nun, Frank, she's acting like she thinks she's me, you know.

And I don't like it.

Remember that guy who came in this morning looking for Sister Stephanie?

That guy had mob written all over his face.

Yeah, I know.

I wonder if that could have been Bruno.

WOMAN: Can't you help me, Sister?

Can't you help me, Sister?

I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do.

Can't you help me, Sister?

I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do.

Time to go, Sister.

No!

Time to go.

- Time to go. - No.

- Time to go. - No.

STEVE: Time to go.

Hey.

Father Dowling wants us to go for a drive after breakfast.

You okay?

Are you okay?

That's the corner of 35th and Western,

and this is the spot where the cab driver says he found you.

Any of this look familiar?

Down here.

I hid in here.

Who were you hiding from?

He saw me...

and then he shot me.

I fell over there.

FRANK: What else?

I crawled away to the door.

FRANK: Then what?

I locked the door.

And Bruno couldn't get to me.

And, finally, he went away.

Okay, this is the second time you've mentioned this guy Bruno.

- Who is Bruno? - I don't know.

I had a dream about him last night.

I was talking with someone,

a girl,

they took her away.

STEVE: Where did they take her?

FRANK: Do you remember her name?

What was I doing there?

STEVE: Well, maybe she thought you were someone else.

Who?

FRANK: Maybe she thought you were Steve Oskowski?

But I am.

I mean, I was.

Does the name "Lauren Gail" mean anything to you?

Lauren Gail?

According to the Windy City Costume rental place,

this nun's habit was rented by a woman

by the name of Lauren Gail.

See, we called them and the sales clerk said

that Lauren Gail paid with a cash deposit.

And she gave as her employer, a comedy club,

near DePaul University where she's a waitress.

STEVE: Does any of this ring a bell?

No. Nothing. I'm sorry.

Father, am I Lauren Gail?

I think so.

What happened to me?

How did I get hurt? What did they do with the other girl?

That's a good question.

Do you think I was doing something illegal?

That's another good question.

I wouldn't.

I know I wouldn't.

- So who is Bruno? - I don't know.

I don't.

Frank, do you believe any of this?

I don't know what to believe, Steve.

You have a talk with her. I'm gonna look around.

Hey.

Whoever that girl is, I wouldn't hurt her.

I hope you know that.

I'm scared.

Yeah, I guess if what happened to you happened to me, I'd be scared too.

It sure seems like they snatched this girl.

There's gotta be something else that she said.

Something you would remember. Can you just try to remember?

- I can't. - But you can.

Come on now, concentrate.

You can do it.

Come on.

He's busy.

Who's he?

Some other company is trying to buy out his business

and she thinks that he doesn't have time for her.

And she just wants to know that he loves her.

Okay.

So this girl wants to know that someone loves her.

Who?

Her father.

She's afraid that her father doesn't love her.

Who's her father?

I don't know. I...

Good job.

Did you find something, Frank?

Looks like a bullet.

I was shot, wasn't I?

I think someone tried to kill you.

Five bucks says it's this Bruno.

Well, what did they do with the other girl?

That's what we're gonna try and find out.

Come on, let's get back to the rectory.

LAUREN: What are you gonna do?

Gonna check out the comedy club where you worked.

STEVE: Yeah, maybe they'll know more about what happened to you.

So the vampire says to the werewolf, "Close the blinds, I'm dying up here."

MAN 1: Oh, get him off.

I got an invitation. It's Ed Sullivan.

Let's bid make goodbye to this special talent.

MAN 2: Sure. WOMAN: Yeah.

KRAMER: Folks, we got another would-be comedian

in a couple of minutes, so drink up and order some more.

Julie, let's hear some music.

Tough crowd.

Tougher than sunrise service on New Year's Day.

[STEVE IMITATES DRUMMING]

FRANK: Mm-hm.

- Excuse me. - Oh, have a seat anywhere, Father.

Do you have a waitress here named Lauren Gail?

We did. She didn't show up today. I'm stuck working her shift.

I'll be with you in a second.

STEVE: Do you know what happened to her?

Knowing her, she's probably at an audition.

- Lauren is an actress? - Heh. In her dreams.

MAN 3: Hey, how about a little service, huh?

Could you sit down?

If my boss sees me talking when I ought to be working,

Lauren won't be the only girl hunting for a job.

Lauren is in trouble. She's got a problem

and we wanna help her out.

Does she have a locker or something

because we really would like to look through her stuff?

Well, yeah, okay.

We share a locker. I'll show you.

- Why aren't you working tables? - Mr. Kramer, I...

Nobody comes backstage except performers and managers.

He's a performer.

I'm his manager.

We're here for the open-mike contest.

What's with the collar?

Clerical humor.

You've got five minutes in front of an open mike.

Make me laugh.

- Steve. - Frank, all I need is five minutes

to go through her stuff.

Think of it as a Sunday sermon, only funny.

Go ahead.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

Hi.

My name is Frank Dowling.

I'm not really very good at telling jokes.

MAN: Neither was the other guy. Ha-ha-ha.

Well, if you'll just be patient with me,

I'm gonna tell you a story about a man and a flood.

This is mine.

This is mine.

Mine.

Mine.

This... Oops.

Sorry, Sister. This is mine.

Oh, this is hers.

This... Wait a minute, this is mine.

Is there anything else in there that belongs to Lauren?

Nope.

Do you hear anybody laughing?

- Nope. - Neither do I.

Maybe it's hers.

So then this sailor comes by in a motorboat

and the man on the roof says, "No, thank you.

The Lord will save me."

Well, now, the water gets up to his neck

and then a helicopter flies over and the man on the roof says:

CROWD: "No, thanks, the Lord is going to save me."

Right. Well, the water went over his head and the poor man drowned.

But he was a good man.

And he went to heaven.

And when he got there, he went up to the Lord

and he said, "Lord, I did everything you asked me to do.

Why didn't you save me from the flood?"

And the Lord looks at him and says, "Why didn't I save you?

I sent you a canoe, I sent you a motorboat and a helicopter.

What were you waiting for, a flaming chariot?"

[ALL LAUGHING]

FRANK: So you see, the Lord does answer our prayers.

But sometimes we just don't hear the answers.

MAN 1: Right. MAN 2: Yay.

[CROWD CHEERING AND CLAPPING]

Frank, I've got something to show you.

Okay, you can start this weekend.

Sorry, he's already got an exclusive contract.

Father, where can we catch your act?

St. Michael's, two shows, every Sunday.

How's it going?

- It's fine. - Let's see. Ha, ha.

Oh, say, that's good.

- What is it? - I forget.

- So, what else is new? - Ha, ha.

Well, you remember the recipe and don't worry about the rest.

It will all come back.

"Vicky." That was the girl's name.

Who was Vicky?

The girl in my dream.

[DOOR CLOSES]

What is that cooking?

We don't know.

Having any luck with your termite hunt, Father Prestwick?

[SNIFFING]

They seem to be hiding from me.

Out of sight, out of mind.

Our greatest enemy is the one we cannot see, Marie.

After all,

who knows what secret armies might be massing for attack

within very foundations upon which we depend for our support.

My batteries are dead.

I'll be back later.

I have to go to the market for about ten minutes. You'll be okay?

Yes.

I couldn't have been at the market more than ten minutes,

and when I came back, she was gone.

Wherever Lauren went, she didn't go willingly. Here.

You gonna call the police?

Tell them what, Marie? That somebody spilled a stew pot?

We have no proof there was any foul play.

We're not really certain who this girl is.

Oh, Steve found this newspaper in Lauren Gail's locker room.

It's an auditioning guide for local actors.

See, Lauren circled that right there.

"Open call.

Young actress. Strong improvisation skills. For short-term role.

High pay. Call Mr. Olsen, 555-4094."

It's busy.

Whoever this Mr. Olsen guy is, he obviously hired Lauren to be me.

A substitute for Sister Stephanie.

- Oh, why you, Sister? - I don't know.

But it's gotta have something to do with the girl in Lauren's dream.

Vicky. Lauren said the girl's name was Vicky.

Vicky? It's ringing.

MAN: Malcolm Rice residence.

Yes. Could I please speak to Mr. Olsen?

Mr. Bruno Olsen.

I'm Bruno Olsen, who's this?

Oh, I'm so sorry. I think I have the wrong Bruno Olsen.

That was Bruno Olsen.

Bruno, that's the guy who tried to kill Lauren.

He works for someone called Malcolm Rice.

Where have I heard that name before?

- Got it. I got it. - You got what?

Frank, Malcolm Rice used to run in my neighborhood.

He was a hood. He became a really big deal.

Man, I knew I had seen that guy before.

Frank, Malcolm Rice is the guy who came here yesterday

looking for his daughter, Vicky.

Vicky? That's his daughter?

Yes, the girl who was in Lauren's dream, the one who needed her help.

You think you can find where this Malcolm Rice lives?

I think my cousin, Marty, might know.

Father Dowling, I feel just terrible.

If I'd been here, none of this would have happened.

I'm glad you weren't here. You might have been hurt.

MARIE: Well...

[THUMP AND MARIE GASPS]

I'm ready to fumigate, Frank.

What is all this?

Protective suit against methyl bromide gas, Frank.

Highly poisonous, but quite effective against the order Isoptera.

Termites, Frank. St. Michael's Rectory is definitely infested with termites.

I took that sample insect to my instructor

and he confirmed my original identification.

Four membranous wings of almost equal length.

That was the final proof.

Flying ants have smaller rear wings.

Thank heaven, we caught it in time. Heh, heh.

Hi, Phil. Frank, I got the address.

Oh, good.

Father Dowling, now, the fumigation won't take a long time,

but I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

- Fine. Goodbye, Phil. - Heh.

I have to admit.

I was expecting more of an argument.

Don't worry.

[MARIE CLEARS THROAT]

STEVE: Look, Frank, an exterminator truck.

FRANK: Maybe they have termites too.

We're here to see Mr. Rice.

We're here to see Mr. Rice.

Go tell him.

You got some major bug problem here or something?

Mr. Rice owns the company.

Best in the city.

You got bugs? We whack them out.

Case closed.

I'll remember that.

[DOOR OPENS]

- You wanted to see Mr. Rice? - Yes, we do.

He's very busy, Father. What's it about?

His daughter, Vicky.

STEVE: Yeah, we want to see her. - You can't.

- Why not? - She's not here.

Does anyone know where she is?

We know where she is, she just isn't here.

Well, when is she gonna be here?

When she gets back.

And when will that be?

Later.

Well, would you ask her to please call Father Dowling

at St. Michael's Rectory when she returns?

The minute she gets here.

Thank you, Mr. Olsen.

Yeah, thanks, Bruno.

Who told you my name?

Well, Vicky, who else?

Yeah.

[CAR DRIVES AWAY]

- You know I was thinking... - You were thinking?

I haven't been to church in a while, I was thinking about going Sunday.

Shut up.

- Why don't they call? - They'll call.

I told them I'd pay.

It's gonna work out, Mr. Rice.

Who was at the door?

Nobody.

I'm going out.

- Be back in about an hour. - Fine.

I'll be back.

You know, I really meant what I said about going to church Sunday.

Shut up.

STEVE: Looks like we spooked him, Frank.

If I'm right, he's gonna lead us to Lauren and Vicky Rice.

And if you're wrong?

Oh, ye of little faith, drive. Drive.

Hello, guys, how's it going, huh?

Steve, didn't Lauren tell you

that Vicky's father was having business problems?

She said that some other company was trying to buy him out,

but that Rice wouldn't sell.

- Maybe it was this company. - Maybe.

- Do you think the girls are inside? - Let's hope so.

How are we gonna get past those workers?

Clothes make the exterminator, Frank.

FOREMAN: Johnson. JOHNSON: Here.

FOREMAN: Witcell. Spence. SPENCE: Here.

FOREMAN: Krakaw. KRAKAW: All right.

FOREMAN: Brenenski. BRENENSKI: Uh-huh.

FOREMAN: Chernov.

CHERNOV: Yo. FOREMAN: Relly. Relly.

All right, go ahead, take a seat.

It will only take a second here. All right. Keep it down.

Hey, no smoking, no smoking. No.

We got him where we want him, okay?

BRUNO: He just sits there like the world is coming to an end.

Maybe it is.

BRUNO: Why don't you give him a call, Packer?

PACKER: Let him sweat.

He's agreed to sign his business over.

That will make you Mr. Exterminator, right?

That's the idea, Bruno, yes.

So give him his daughter.

And just call it a day?

Yeah.

The point is, Bruno, I wanna make an impression.

See, I don't want any second thoughts later.

BRUNO: The girls are okay, aren't they?

PACKER: What do you think I am, Bruno?

They're on ice next door.

Frank, the girls are here.

Where are they keeping them?

Give me your car keys.

- Frank, you don't know how to drive. - Steve, just give me the keys, please.

Now, you wait for my signal.

There's a station wagon parked at the end of the driveway out there?

Just drive it up on the other side of that door, facing out, huh?

Why would I do that?

Do you ask questions of Mr. Packer when he gives you an order?

No.

Well, then you get the idea.

Hey, you.

What are you doing?

What do you think I'm doing?

FOREMAN: Who are you?

Who do you think I am?

- Lugman? - Who else would I be?

What is this, a game show?

Come on, everybody is waiting for you.

- Did they hurt you? - No, we're okay.

- Father, this is Vicky Rice. - Hi.

Are the police here?

Uh, not quite yet.

I'll have you out of this in a minute.

All right, listen up.

Dr. Lugman is gonna tell us about the African termite.

If you got any questions, you save them for the end, all right?

Dr. Lugman?

Termites.

Termites. Ahem.

What do we really know about termites?

Personally, I've never met a termite that I liked.

[STEVE CHUCKLES]

But seriously, we're here to talk about African termites, right?

Okay, how are they different from American termites?

How are they the same?

What can we do about them?

What should we do about them?

And that's just for openers.

I entered the Order of St. Margaret last month.

I remember now. You're a nun.

A postulant.

I began to have serious doubts about continuing.

Why was that?

Do you know my father's background?

Somewhat.

I didn't know if I was worthy to become a nun.

So your father wanted to reassure you, with another nun.

Someone he'd heard of from his old neighborhood.

- Sister Stephanie. FRANK: Hm.

But Bruno Olsen double-crossed your father.

He hired an actress, that's you,

as a substitute for Sister Stephanie,

so he could set up the kidnapping.

This man, Bruno, said I was to be her companion.

Sort of a bodyguard.

By the way, how do you plan on getting us out of here?

Where are the keys?

In the ignition.

Good, good. You can take the rest of the day off.

What?

You gonna argue with Mr. Packer?

I'm supposed to guard those two in there.

I'll look after them.

You want me to get Mr. Packer?

No.

The best way to deal with the African termite

is to use methyl bromo gas.

And for that, you'll need a special suit and goggles.

Dr. Lugman, that's all real interesting.

But I think I speak for the rest of the guys

when I say what we really wanna know is how do you breed them?

You wanna breed termites?

FOREMAN: Yeah, that's the whole idea.

Breed them, spread them around, hire out, kill them.

Mr. Packer calls it "manage supply and demand."

Excuse me, doctor,

but you're wanted for an emergency infestation consultation downtown.

Sorry, pest alert. Gotta go.

Hey, wait, Dr. Lugman, what's the best way to deal with the African termite?

Step on it.

See you.

- Hi. - The car is outside.

We're gonna walk out of here as if nothing is wrong.

Let's go.

- Father Dowling, Sister Stephanie? - Phil, what are you doing here?

I brought in some samples for analysis. Heh, heh.

- My guess is they're African. - Frank, we gotta go.

Mr. Packer.

Look what I've got here. Heh, heh, heh.

Thank you, Father.

Bruno, it looks like we may have to exterminate all these pests.

Police. Police. Don't move.

- All right, take them out. COP 1: Right there.

COP 2: Let's go. COP 3: Move it.

Did you really think you could con me, Bruno?

I thought you were getting soft.

My mistake.

You brought the police here?

That's right. What are you doing here, Father?

It's a long story.

STEVE: And getting longer.

Let's go home.

Frank, what is going on?

Why have the police arrested Mr. Packer?

Why, Phil, I thought this sort of thing was your specialty.

Pest control, Phil.

Pest control.

Well, I still don't believe it.

My first acting job, I get shot, lose my memory

and almost get murdered.

I'm going back to Nebraska while I'm still in one piece.

[CAR HORN HONKING]

There's my cab.

- You take care of yourself. - You too.

- You too. - Bye.

And thanks.

Goodbye, Father.

Oh. Goodbye, Lauren, and God be with you.

I hope next time you have better luck.

She changed her life just like that.

How about you?

Are you planning any changes?

From the time I was a little girl, I wanted to be a nun.

But my father was a crook.

Very bad man.

How could I be a nun?

That feeling you had was God calling you.

You see, we don't go after him.

He comes after us.

Now, where is that fly?

Okay, let me tell you something.

God doesn't care who our fathers are

or what kind of bad stuff they've done, you know?

I mean, I should know.

My family...

My family was no picnic, believe me.

But ever since I was a little girl,

it's kind of like what you were talking about,

I just knew that God wanted me.

It's kind of like...

I got an invitation.

You know, I don't know why,

but I'm glad.

I'm really glad.

So now he's invited you.

You gonna turn him down?

No.

I'm gonna go home and pack my bags.

Pray for me, Sister.

And you pray for me, Sister.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

- Bye. - Bye.

- Oh! Hi. VICKY: Sorry. Bye.

Where's Frank?

[FLY BUZZING]

Father Dowling, I'm in trouble and I need your help.

What seems to be the problem, Phil?

[FLY BUZZING]

Well, you remember when I was going to fumigate the rectory,

but Marie persuaded me not to?

I told you, if you're gonna smoke up somebody's house,

then go and fumigate the bishop's.

Exactly.

Oh, you didn't.

The bishop was at a conference in New York.

I thought it would be a nice surprise for him when he got back.

But I must have used too much gas because the carpet,

the curtains, the wallpaper, Frank,

I didn't realize fabric would dissolve like that.

They say the smell won't come out for another two weeks.

So the bishop and most of the staff have taken some rooms

at a seminary in Evanston,

and I thought that for political reasons, it would be wise if I didn't join them.

[FLY BUZZING]

[FLY STOPS BUZZING]

STEVE: Ha, ha.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[FLY BUZZING]