Original subtitles

♪ Walk on by ♪

You guys, I am standing outside a TV studio

because I'm about to do something that I have never done before.

I am going to be on the legendary Kris & Chris show!

And it's all because you guys responded to the TED Talk

and you made it go viral.

So, tune in!

And if you can't, just wish me luck, or a broken leg,

or whatever it is you say to somebody who's gonna be on TV for the first time!

♪ Trick, I said what I said ♪

♪ I'd rather be famous instead ♪

♪ I let all that get to my head ♪

♪ I don't care, I paint the town red ♪

♪ Trick, I said what I said ♪

♪ I'd rather be famous instead ♪

♪ I let all that get to my head ♪

♪ I don't care, I paint the town red ♪

And we're back in five, four, three...

two.

Welcome back to Twin Cities This Morning!

Well, the holidays are just around the corner

and that means family.

The big question this time of year is:

how do you survive your own DNA without box wine?

Joinin' us now are two therapists:

Paige Alexander, who recently went viral with her TED Talk about her dad's arrest.

Thank you so much for having me.

And Murphy Collins, best-selling author of the book

Full Frontal Family Therapy.

- Paige. - Yes?

I-Is there a hack to dealing with difficult family members?

There is. In therapy, we have something called "detachment,"

and that is when you get off the roller coaster

of riding up and down over

what somebody else is doing, or not doing,

or did, or didn't do.

Because the truth is

that I, I know I can't control my family members,

and so, I cannot let their chaos affect my life.

I don't buy it.

Look, you seem like a nice lady and all, but detachment?

- Really? I mean, come on. - Yeah.

That sounds like somethin' from the marriage and family therapy

- industrial complex. - Excuse me?

Y-You know, if you're detached, that means that you want

the other person to change, that you can stay the same.

See, I believe that you should change,

that you should do the work on yourself.

Well, I believe that we can free ourselves

by giving people space to make their own choices,

and not controlling the outcomes.

And that's what I'm doing in my family.

- And how do you do that? - But... Well... But hold on a second.

If... But if you're willing to be different, right,

then you don't have to be distant.

So, uh, Paige, um, how's your dad doin'?

Um, my dad is great.

You know, he did get arrested, but the charges were dropped,

and so, he's-he's fine.

- Hm. Fine, huh? - Yeah.

- What's your dad's name? - Edwin.

- Yeah. - Edwin.

How-How do you think

detachment feels to dear Edwin?

Dear Edwin feels...

- pretty messed up about that, Murph. - What I do,

and it's a simple thing that a lot...

...of people do, but take a deep breath in, everybody.

And then, really feel them right now.

Feel their anger.

You've reached Edwin Alexander.

Leave me a message. Have a blessed day.

Feel their hurt.

I do think that sometimes when it comes to generational trauma,

you need more than just basic

- meditation techniques. - Oh, I agree with you. I agree with you.

- You need more than that. - Yeah, yeah.

It... You need advanced meditation techniques.

That's what I do.

Don't let this fool rattle you!

He don't know you!

I mean, not to trauma rank,

but does he have 9 out of 10 adverse childhood experiences?

No!

Then we can't hear him.

Now, wait a minute. I saw your TED Talk.

- You did one, right? I did three. - Yeah, I did...

Wasn't it about like, what, being yourself

- or something, right? - Yeah. Who you want to be.

Who you want to be. That's it! Yeah.

Is this who you wanna be?

You wanna be detached from your family?

- Is that what... - That's not what I meant.

- Well, what does it mean? - Um, I...

This is not about my family.

This is about our... the families out there...

- Well, then... - You know, 'cause we're fine. I'm fine.

When we come back, we'll answer the question,

are skinny jeans really over?

Coming up after the break.

- Girl. - Oh!

That was brutal.

Why are you here? I talked to you about this.

I don't, I don't need you here.

You're... You need to go and play and do little kid things.

I am an adult. I got this.

- Do you though? - Yes!

I mean, I saw you up there, sweating under those lights,

and I was like, "This woman needs help."

But I don't. Okay? I'm-I'm good.

I'm doing things differently.

I'm not gonna let my dad, or anybody else,

come into my life and turn it upside down.

- That sounds good. - Yes.

Too bad it's not gonna happen.

What?

Hey! Watch where you're going!

- Oh, shit! - What the hell are you doing

going in my lane?

Serves you right!

That's what happens when you're not paying attention!

We're fine. I'm fine.

- You're fine? - I'm fine.

They made her look terrible, but she also looks great.

As she does.

When they weren't making her look so sweaty.

Yeah. Hey, go ahead.

Thanks, baby.

I was tryna stay away to make things easier for her.

Seemed like it just made things worse.

Oh, don't blame yourself, Edwin.

- Let Paige do it for you. - Yeah, how 'bout that.

The thing is, you know, I, I miss my grandson.

You know I taught him how to nod, right?

Homeslice was goin' through life noddin' down on everybody.

You know, you could see him, Edwin, if you weren't so afraid of Paige.

- I ain't afraid of Paige. - Mm-hm.

I wanna be able to offer my grandson

more than him seeing me get shoved down into a squad car.

I need space, Nadine, just to...

get my shit together.

No one should have to get their shit together to be in a family.

Oh.

If you're willing to be different, right,

- then you don't have to keep... - Why is he attacking me?

Why? I went on that show to try to help people.

Honestly, half of Minneapolis probably is feeling better

about their family this morning.

Also, I did not tell my dad to move out. He insisted on leaving.

- Mm. - I mean, who writes a book called

Full Frontal Family Therapy?

I mean, except for the family part, sounds kinda hot.

- You're missing the point. - Okay.

The point is... Nah.

I have known Paige Alexander for a very long time,

like cassette tapes long,

and she likes to think she's always right.

And this morning, she's wondering if that's true.

- Whose side are you on? - Oh, I-I'm on the side of people...

...who grew up playing

Supreme Court Justice with you,

like that's even a game.

Oh, no! No!

My four o'clock just canceled. This is the second one today.

What am I gonna do to fix this?

- I think I should do some kinda post. - No, no, no, no, no. Ah-ah-ah.

You've done enough mass communicating for one day.

But I'm losing clients. I need to defend myself.

I have to stand up for myself.

Mm, some people need to sit down for themselves.

- You're one of those. - I am?

- Uh, Paige? - Yes?

Know what I really wanna know?

What?

Where in the actual fuck is your dad?

- Oh, shit. - Stop, stop.

Finn. Finn.

- I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. - Hey. Hey, hey. Now... You okay?

- I'm so sorry about the car, Grandpa. - Don't worry 'bout the car.

I don't care about the car. Come here.

There was a, there was a biker, and he yelled at me,

and I swerved, and then I... you know, now I crashed your car, so.

A car ain't nothin' but a thing, man. Car can be fixed.

Hey.

- Thank you for coming. - What you mean?

Well, I wasn't sure if you would.

I'm sorry I haven't been taking your calls, you hear?

Finn, I need to get my life straight.

You know, I was comin' to see you.

How'd you know where I was?

You know I like tracking people.

Well, I don't see any blood.

- Go on. - Come here.

The car on the other hand, looks like it already bled out.

Would you stop? Let's go get him checked.

Come on.

- Oh, my God, honey! - He's fine, Paige.

- Are you okay? - I'm fine.

Are you fine? Really? Where were you going?

Why did you call him instead of me?

- I was just trying to avoid all this. - Avoid what?

You know, it's just, you know, makin' a big deal.

I'm not making a big deal. What are you... No, okay.

This is your fault.

This is you. Okay? You taught him to drive.

You left the car, you left the keys.

- You're blamin' me for this? - Yes!

- Yeah. Alright. - Oh, Nadine is here.

And you thought this couldn't get any worse.

No, I knew it could get worse because the last time I saw you,

you had just taken my child to Hennepin County jail.

Luckily, I saw this great segment this morning

- on Kris & Chris about family. - Oh, wow.

- I learned so much. - Nadine, Nadine.

Y'all stop.

Nadine gave us a ride here, Paige.

She was just helpin', Mom.

- Okay. - See?

Every once in a while, I do something good.

No. Is this your one good thing this year?

No, no, no! Uh-uh! I'm different.

I'm off the roller coaster. I'm gonna try this again.

Nadine, thank you.

Really, thank you so much.

Really appreciate it. Means a lot. Thanks, Dad.

You're, uh... No problem.

He was just trying to connect with me, Paige.

- That's all it was. - I'm good. We're good.

We're in control of our emotions.

She needs to get laid.

- You ain't in control of nothin'. - Mm.

Finn, please, open up.

Finn.

- Hey. - What?

- I've been knocking. - I know.

Well, I just wanted to make sure that you don't have a concussion.

- I don't. - Well, are you sure?

Because the internet isn't.

And it turns out that ignoring your mom

is, like, one of the most common symptoms.

So, I'm just gonna look in your eyes really quick.

Mom, I don't wanna talk to you.

But, Finn... you crashed a car.

We can't just not talk about that.

What is going on with you?

He wouldn't pick up the phone, and I thought he was mad at me.

Why would he be mad at you?

It's my fault he got arrested. Stop!

Finn.

Your grandpa didn't have to drive that night, 'kay?

He could've called me, he could've called a cab.

I mean, apparently Nadine does rideshare now.

He makes his own decisions.

- And now he's never coming back, so. - No, no.

I think he's just figuring things out, and he needs a minute.

And by a minute, I mean many, many 60-second increments.

Not literal. But listen, you can call him again

and maybe you guys can have lunch and stuff.

I don't wanna just have lunch.

He should be living here... you know, with us.

It felt better when he was here.

Yeah.

So, I've been your grandpa's daughter for a little bit of time.

- Yeah. - Yeah, and I think one

of the things that I'm learning,

is that letting go, sometimes, is the only option.

So, I'm saying this with so much love,

but knowing my dad,

I feel like you need to learn to let go a little too.

Yeah, that's not me.

Okay, but you know, maybe you could talk to somebody about that.

And... Like, somebody other than me.

'Cause I'm a little bit worried about your processing.

Can we be done now?

- Really? - Yeah.

I... Okay.

♪ Dominate, dominate ♪

Do you mind if I ask you a question?

You ain't gotta ask before you ask somethin'. Just ask.

Sorry, I just... I-I've never been able to talk to my dad about all of this.

- About all what? - The drugs and the criminal activity.

- I don't do drugs. - Oh, no, no.

I didn't mean to imply that you do. I just, um... You sell them, right?

- You the Feds? - No.

I'm just playin' with you.

Oh.

Look, I'm not out on the corner slangin' packets, if that's what you mean.

Oh, no, obviously. But, um, uh, you know, what, what exactly do you do?

And I'm not gonna tell anybody.

I just... I-I don't really know this side of my dad.

Look, I supply to people who supply to people

who supply to people who stand on the corner.

Oh, so you're like a regional vice president of sales?

Yeah. I like to consider myself a businessman first.

- You funny. - Am I?

But I just have one more question.

Do you, um, do you ever think about doing something different?

Uh, you know, less risky.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, all the time.

But the drugs bring money, money brings power,

- power brings women and... - And you wanna be loved.

- Bet. - Yeah. Well, that's what we all want.

I mean, I also wanna diversify

my stock portfolio.

Okay. Do you know when, uh, my dad will be back?

- What? Here? - Yes. He's staying with you guys, right?

Nah. Your dad ain't tryin' to fucks with all this.

Wait, that's what you thought?

You really don't know him, do you?

What about your old associates?

What about 'em?

I mean, I imagine it might be tempting to reach out,

with nowhere else to go.

Not at all, man.

I didn't serve all that time

just to get out and do the same shit all over again.

Gettin' arrested that last time

brought that home to me on a whole, a whole new level, man.

Of course, it did.

So, where you been stayin'?

Uh, thank you.

Uh, the Viking on Lake Street.

Oh, wow. I thought they closed that place years ago.

Yeah... Probably should've.

I get a discount for rentin' by the day...

not just the hour.

So... you're not gonna ask me about Paige?

Matter of fact, no. I'm not.

You don't care how she's doin'?

I care, but I'm tryna do somethin' I didn't do before.

Have boundaries. I can't get personal.

Yeah, I got you.

So, your plan is?

Like I said, get a job. Get the roux for my gumbo just right.

And figure out what in the hell GPT-Chat is.

- Yeah? - Life outside is hard, baby.

I ain't gon' lie.

So, you just decided to make it more challenging by leaving again

and goin' it alone?

I can't go back to Paige.

I'm a burden there, man.

Okay, I... I can't really talk to you about Paige

but I can talk to you about you,

and how the other side of being a burden is being a support.

The only reason for me to go back there

is because my grandson needs me.

But I gotta figure out how I can show up for Finn in a way that's better than...

how I showed up for the woman you tryin' so hard not to talk about.

- Okay. - Okay.

Touché.

Yeah.

Thanks for meetin' me, baby girl.

I'm not mad at you.

I almost wish you were.

I'm sittin' and I'm lookin' at you,

and it feels to me like you almost don't care.

Like you, like you can't give a fuck.

Okay, I see how it could look like that.

But I-I care. I ju... I think I'm just being more realistic than I used to be.

- I mean, it is what it is. - Now see, that right there,

that feels like you're just givin' up, Paige.

Just, pfft.

Look, something is going on with Finn.

- Okay. - And I think that there is one thing

we could do about it,

but I know you don't believe in it,

and honestly, I think you're gonna say no,

which I totally understand, actually, given the whole

marriage and family therapy industrial complex...

I'll do it.

I'm talking about family therapy.

You heard me, Paige. I said I will go.

Really?

Yeah.

You'll talk to someone?

On one condition.

I get to pick the someone.

I normally start with, "What brought you in today,"

but, uh, I already know.

That I crashed a car?

No, I saw you on TV.

You seem like a straight shooter.

And that's what we need.

- Uh... - Well, that "we" does not include me.

And he is not a doctor.

The term I prefer is, uh, "family radical healing coach."

- See? - And I have a PhD from Harvard.

Now, I could practice therapy in the corporate world,

but... I choose to heal people.

You think you can heal us?

If that's what you want.

- Is that what you want? - Yes, it is.

Because you have to really want it.

Lotta people can't. Lotta people don't dare.

Uh, I read your book. You don't follow any of the rules

- of real therapy. - What's "real therapy"?

Listen, I'm gonna give it to you straight here.

You guys could spend thousands,

and years dick in' around tryin' to figure out your own shit,

or I can just tell you what you're doing wrong.

Your choice. And, uh, I don't take insurance.

Because they won't cover you because you say "dicking around."

Hm, and yet, you are here in my office, sitting on my couch.

Why don't you just see what I can do,

Paige? Huh?

You know what they say: "Don't try harder, try different."

- Who says that? - I do.

- Well, that's terrible grammar. - Well, your family's on fire.

- Dumpster. - Hey, um, can I just say,

I just want everybody to be happy.

Yes, Edwin.

Yes. Very admirable, Edwin. Very admirable.

Especially comin' from the guy who's holding the gas can on all this.

And sometimes the matches.

- Can we get started now? - Well, we've already started, jefe.

And you're doin' great.

And I was not about to keep making the same mistake

over and over and over again in front of my family.

Well, why not? The rest of us have to.

I'll tell you why.

- Your ego. - Oof.

Do you even know what it means to be a man?

You're askin' me what it means to be a man?

Yeah, yeah. It means stepping the fuck up.

- Ooh, amen. - Hold up, hold up.

I was trying to just get my own shit to get...

- Your own shit, huh? - My own shit.

Your own shit. What about, uh, Paige and, and Finn?

What about their shit?

Men can be effective in families

and figure out their own shit without leaving.

Hallelujah.

'Kay, well, my mom gets mad at Grandpa for everything.

- No. - Sure does.

- Everythang! - No, no.

I, I am trying to protect you

from how unreliable he is.

That is bullshit.

- Hey! - He said bullshit, and he's right.

Okay. Now, I'm willing to bet that your son was struggling

- before your dad showed up. - That's true.

- Facts. Facts. - Paige, how do you account

for your son's pain before Edwin?

- Yeah, I wanna hear this. - Are you trying to turn this on me now?

No, I'm not trying. I'm just turning this.

On you, yes, actually.

It's time for you to start looking at you.

Mm-hm.

Try it.

Come on. Dig in a little bit.

You're a shrink.

- You can do it, right? - Yes, yes.

- He wasn't there for me. - He wasn't... Whoa, whoa, whoa,

that's not right. You. I'm talkin' 'bout you.

Oh, he wasn't there for me.

- He was never there for me. - Mm-hm.

And now he's delivering the exact same experience to my son.

Good, good. Good, good. Tell me something.

What would happen if you looked your dad straight in the eye

and told him all that?

You weren't there for me.

You were never there for me.

And now I am watching you deliver the exact same experience to my son.

Hello?

Where's the detachment now? Right? Is it hiding?

Is it, i-is it behind the pillow or under the couch?

No, it's not. You know why? Because it was fake.

- You can't speak to me that way. - Well, I just did.

You, you weren't detaching. You were amputating.

You were cutting yourself off from your father.

And you know who else you were cutting yourself off from? You.

- Oh, wow. - Amen.

It's time to do a little work on yourself, Ms. Paige.

That's right. That's right.

- Come on. - Whoa. Where you goin'?

Oh, you're leaving now?

Hold up. This was your idea, baby girl.

You late for, uh, a-an Instagram Live or something?

I am not going to sit down on myself. And I'm not gonna sit down for myself.

I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna sit, I'm not sitting!

I'm standing up for myself, and I'm leaving.

And I will not be coming back here again. Thank you very much, Doctor.

That was a great session.

Finn?!

Finn, Finn. Hi. Hi.

Knock, knock.

Here's what's gonna happen right now.

- Okay. - You're gonna say we need to talk.

I'm gonna pretend like I don't hear you.

Then you're gonna ask if everything's okay,

and I'm gonna say that I'm fine.

And then you're gonna get that one look on your face,

the one where you're all worried about me,

and then I'm gonna feel even more anxious than I already do,

and then, you're finally gonna leave,

and everything will be fine...

until we repeat the whole thing tomorrow.

There. Saved us so much time.

No, no. Hey, hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Hey, Finn. Finn. Look, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I walked out today.

Honey, I have been watching my dad do what he does, to me...

my whole lifetime.

He went to therapy like you wanted.

Yes, and he took responsibility for nothing.

This is his fault, Finn.

And he just, you know, he just can't admit it.

Okay, okay, okay.

So, let me get this straight.

You're saying that all your problems are caused by Grandpa.

- Pretty much. - Okay, then...

I guess that means all my problems are caused by you.

Oh, my God.

Hey!

Can we talk?

Go 'head.

I think you need to come back.

Murphy was right.

I was pretending to be detached,

and you are isolating

because you don't like when your ego looks bad.

- So, I think that we... - Hey, baby. Stop, stop.

I can't keep feeling like this... Paige.

That's all I know.

I-I can't, I can't do it, baby.

Well, I don't... Hey.

I don't wanna feel this way either,

but that means that we both have some work to do.

We need to change together.

Hey! Can you please stop walking?!

We have to break the cycle.

- What do you think I'm tryna do, Paige? - No, I know, I know.

But everything that we've done so far to break the cycle,

it just keeps the cycle going, and I need for it to end with us.

Okay, Dad, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I made you feel like I don't care

because I really do care.

I know that I can be really hard on you sometimes.

I'm-I'm sorry. I will, I will work on that.

That is me. That's my shit.

I'll do whatever I have to do to make that better.

I'll even go to Murphy if you want me to.

I just...

Please, just come home.

Woo-hoo!