Original subtitles

Oh, Niles, good.

Look, I know it's your day off, but I need you to work.

I need you to run this ad copy

-down to John Kennedy's office for me. -All right.

John John?

You know, it's his day off.

Would you stop being such a slave driver?

I'll take it to him.

And what's more, I'll make sure

that John John signs for it personally.

Oh, that isn't necessary, Miss Fine.

Oh, yes, it is.

Who's coming over?

Elizabeth Taylor.

Oh, beautifully executed, sir.

-Where's Mr. Kennedy? -In Singapore.

Think she'll wait for him?

[BOTH LAUGH]

Very good, sir. Very, very good.

Boys, boys, boys.

Now, do you think that my mother

gave birth to a dummy 25 years ago?

You two wouldn't let me near George Kennedy,

let alone John.

Now who's coming over here?

Well, it doesn't really matter, Miss Fine,

because you are not going to meet her, him or it.

Oh, you know, I cannot believe that you don't trust me.

I mean, I sit here cooped up in the house all day long.

You never introduce me to any of the stars that you know.

You never let me in any of your shows.

I have a good mind to go get Little Ricky and, oh...

Nanny Fine,

I need you to drop off this script

to Antonio Banderas.

Forget it, Miss Babcock.

I already know who's coming over here this afternoon.

-C.C... -You told her about Elizabeth Taylor?

No. You did.

Oh, Elizabeth Taylor!

Oh, when I was a little girl,

my mother would dress me up like her for Halloween.

All that big dark hair and dramatic makeup,

tight little dress.

[SIGHING] Oh, I'll tell you,

the things you can get away with when you're a kid.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

SINGER:♪♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪♪

♪♪ 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out ♪♪

♪♪ In one of those crushing scenes ♪♪

♪♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪♪

♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪

♪♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪♪

♪♪ She was there to sell makeup, but the father saw more ♪♪

♪♪ She had style! She had flair! She was there! ♪♪

♪♪ That's how she became the nanny! ♪♪

♪♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we've described

♪♪ Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪♪

♪♪ Now the father finds her beguiling ♪♪

♪♪ Watch out, C.C.! ♪♪

♪♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪♪

♪♪ Such♪♪

♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪

♪♪ When everybody else is wearing tan ♪♪

♪♪ The flashy girl from Flushing ♪♪

♪♪ The nanny named Fran! ♪♪

Oh, it's so nice to meet you, Miss Taylor.

[CAMERA CLICKS]

[SIGHS]

Perfect.

Maxwell, Nanny Fine's in the living room!

[SHUSHING]

Miss Fine!

I'm just seeing the kids off to school.

They left an hour ago.

Well, it's a clear day. I can see forever.

Miss Fine, what are the rules?

Niles, and only Niles, is to answer the door.

I'm to stay away from your office,

and I'm forbidden to create a diversion

such as setting a small but containable fire.

And no staged emergencies with the children either.

Oh, come on.

Help! I think I broke my arm.

Save it, honey. We've been busted.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Elizabeth Taylor.

[THUDDING]

[DOORBELL RINGING]

I'll get it.

Hello.

Oh, Elizabeth Taylor.

This is such an honor.

I'm Fran. Look at the pretty table.

Keep looking.

Keep looking.

Oh, forget it.

Miss Fine.

[GROWLING]

So, are you Maxwell's wife?

Oh, no. I just work for him.

Actually, I've never been married.

Not even once?

Well, you know, there was one time,

but then I thought about it...

[LAUGHING] That was your mistake, dear.

Shouldn't you tell Maxwell I'm here?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Sure.

You know what? I'll just buzz him.

Just buzz him.

Buzz, buzz.

Oh, Miss Taylor, I have seen everything that you've ever done.

Cleopatra, Virginia Woolf.

But you know what my favorite was?

Here's Lucy.

Oh, I'll tell you, when your ring

got stuck on her finger...

You know, I bet you a lot of people ask you this,

-but could I just... -No.

Okay. Well, I'll just go hang up your coat.

Ma!

What are you doing here?

The boy let me in.

I've got to meet Elizabeth Taylor!

Excuse me!

FRAN: Over my dead body.

SYLVIA: If I could meet Elizabeth Taylor,

I could retire in Florida tomorrow.

Miss Taylor, I'd like you to meet my mother.

Sylvia Fine.

This meeting bestows an honor upon me

which is unparalleled within my universe.

Oh, Maxwell! Thank God.

Elizabeth.

Sylvia, Miss Fine. You're fired.

Elizabeth, I'm so sorry.

I didn't know you had already arrived.

Oh, didn't you hear the buzzer?

No.

Elizabeth, this is my associate, C.C. Babcock.

[GIGGLING]

Hello, Elizabeth Taylor.

I bet she isn't married.

Well, why don't we step into my study, have a spot of tea?

Ah, and here it is.

Oh, how do you do, Tiss Maylor.

I'm Biles the nutler.

That's not right, is it?

This way, Elizabeth. Just follow the nutler.

I'll be right there, Maxwell.

Oh, Fran, could you do me a massive favor?

-Yes. Yes. -I'm wearing these for a photo shoot

to promote my new fragrance, "Black Pearls."

[BOTH SQUEAL]

-Say, could I... -No.

Oh.

Could you just call a bonded courier

and have these sent to this address?

-You're a love. -Oh, oh, yes, my queen.

Yes. That call will get made.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

You know, sweetheart, I wouldn't trust a courier.

-No? -Those armed trucks

just scream, "Rob me. Rob me".

You know, you're right, ma.

I can't trust no bonded courier professional.

I'm gonna have to do this myself.

Oh, I can't believe you hid in the closet.

To tell you the truth, it wasn't my idea.

Come on out, Yetta.

Ah, excuse me.

Excuse me!

What?

You know, it isn't so much the half-eaten McDLT

that bothers me so much.

It's the fact that they discontinued them in '94.

Oh, my God! I didn't realize

I had Princess Caroline of Monaco in my back seat.

Forgive me, Your Highness. I didn't recognize you

with your new Priscilla Presley hairdo.

Listen, uh... Cozette?

Yeah. I'm French.

You know, there are occupations that don't depend on tips.

What is that supposed to mean?

Well, it's just that you're...

You're a very unpleasant person, as people go.

Well, thank you very much.

If you were trying to hurt my feelings

you have succeeded. Okay?

I mean, I have been having a really hard week,

a lot of stress, a lot of pain.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry. I... I had no idea.

What's his name? What did he do?

Jean-Claude.

It's my birthday, right?

-Happy birthday. -Oh, thank you.

Do I get perfume?

-No. -No.

Do I get flowers?

-No. -No.

You know, I'm a woman. I'm sensitive.

I have needs.

Hey, does it say "Wheelchair Crossing"?

Honey, you know, let me give you just a little piece of advice.

I was just talking to my girlfriend,

Elizabeth Taylor.

Elizabeth Taylor Hilton Wilding Todd Fisher

BOTH: Burton Burton Warner Fortenski?

No wonder her hips keep breaking down.

That's a good one. One for you.

Oh, honey, your mascara's running just a little bit over there.

-Oh, thank you. Thank you. -Yeah.

So, let me just show you something.

You're gonna get a big kick out of this.

Red light, sweetie.

Have you ever seen anything...

Red light, honey.

Take one look at-- red light!

[HORN BLARING]

What could be taking that doctor so long?

Well, she couldn't have hit her head that badly.

Her hair alone should act like a built-in air bag.

I can't believe my daughter is lying in a hospital.

Mmm. This isn't bad.

I don't know why everyone complains about the food.

Don't worry. She's gonna be just fine.

But I have to warn you, she's not quite all there.

Oh, no, no. That's normal.

She bruised her brain and is experiencing some loss of memory.

Memory loss?

Don't worry. It'll come back.

The same thing happened to me once.

When?

When what?

Her memory will return on its own.

Just don't force it. You can see her now.

Maxwell, thank goodness.

Elizabeth Taylor's black pearls are missing,

and the last person who had them...

C.C., not now.

Miss Fine is lying in a hospital bed with amnesia.

I'll kill her!

Hi.

I'm Gracie.

I'm Brighton.

I'm Maggie.

Wait a minute.

You know, this seems familiar to me.

Say, did I ever sing on some Austrian hillside

with a really butch haircut?

Everybody out. Out.

I have to speak to the brain-bruised woman in the bed.

She does need her rest now.

Your family can come back later and take you home.

Oh, thank you.

So how are you? How are you feeling?

Well, you know, I feel pretty good,

but I think that this bump on the head

really screwed with my nasal passages.

I mean, can you imagine going through life like this?

Please, please, does...

does the name Elizabeth Taylor ring any bells?

Yes, yes, of course.

-Of course. I remember. -Oh, yes. Yes.

I'm Elizabeth Taylor.

No! You're not Elizabeth Taylor!

Bummer.

She doesn't remember.

Who are you?

I'm your grandma.

Boy, I'm lucky.

I think everything worked out just the way I always thought it would.

I'm married to a great-looking guy

and I have three gorgeous children.

Oh, honey, you got hit on the head.

You're a little confused.

The two big ones are from a previous marriage.

Niles, what could she have done with those bloody pearls?

Is there any sign of Miss Fine's memory returning?

Well, she couldn't find her room,

but she was able to recall the numbers

on your American Express Gold Card.

And your mother's maiden name.

Oh, here, try to relax, sir. There.

I'll have your brandy and cigar.

Waiting for me when I get out?

Um... yeah.

Hi, hubby.

Oh, dear God in heaven!

Oh, sweetie, I don't remember much about our married life,

but I figure there's got to be a reason

why this tub is big enough for two.

Oh, gee, I wish that would clear up.

Ah, yes, of course, our, um...

our married life. Uh...

I... I know I'm not supposed

to jar your memory or anything, but, uh...

But what?

Happy 10th anniversary, darling.

No, no, no, no, no, no! I can't do this.

Look, I'm not your husband.

Oh, my God! We're not married?

The truth is I hired you.

I'm a hooker?

Well, that explains my shoes.

No, no. You're... you're my nanny.

You take care of my children.

But I've got style. I've got flair.

How could I become the nanny?

Oh, everything's upside down.

Wait a minute. You're still on Remington Steele,

I am not Pierce Brosnan.

I am Maxwell Sheffield, and you are my nanny, Fran Fine.

Now, would you please get out of my bath?

Oh, nice try, mister.

You get out first.

Don't splash me!

Don't. Stop it! Stop it!

Oh! Don't! Stop it! Don't! Don't!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

[BOTH SHOUTING]

NILES: Excuse me, sir, Miss Babcock's on the phone for you,

but I'll just tell her you'll call right back

right after you and Miss Fine get out of the Jacuzzi.

Morning, sir.

Morning, Niles.

There seems to be a problem with the phones.

I unplugged them, Niles.

What if Miss Taylor should call looking for her pearls?

Ah, what if the person who finds them tries to call?

Plug them back in, Niles.

Got any more bright ideas?

Good morning.

Can I ask you a question?

I have been dressing like this for three years,

and there's nothing going on between us?

That's right. I'm your employer.

Mmm.

And what is it you do again?

I produce musical theater.

Oh, now it's all making sense to me.

Oh, and you, mister, don't you go anywhere.

After breakfast, you're cleaning up the dishes.

It's part of your punishment for cutting fourth period last Thursday.

That she remembers?

Do you recognize this man?

No. No.

No. No. No.

Who are all those men?

They're your father,

just wearing different hair.

I just can't take this any more. I got to go.

I'm late for your cousin Rose's wedding.

What?

Rose the nose is getting married before me?

Fran?

Ma?

♪♪ How much is that dress ♪♪

♪♪ In Macy's window? ♪♪

♪♪ Who cares ♪♪

♪♪ It'll be at Loehmann's on sale ♪♪

Fran, you're back.

Oh, ma.

Oh, ma, I don't believe it.

It's all coming back to me now.

I was driving along, and I hit my head,

and I left Elizabeth Taylor's pearls in the taxi.

And I'm getting out of here.

You lost Elizabeth Taylor's pearls?

Well, you're the one that told me not to use a courier.

Oh, Miss Fine.

Who are you?

Oh, don't you remember me?

Ah, well, you look awfully familiar, but...

oh, gee, I've met so many people this week.

Oh, come on, think.

Oh, I know. You're that nice, loving, and forgiving man.

Guess again.

[GRUNTING]

You're my employer?

[CHUCKLING] Guess again.

You're my worst nightmare?

You've got it!

[SCREAMING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]