Original subtitles

Oh, this is for you.

Your old modeling agency is having a reunion.

Oh, look at that.

Boy, you know, I don't know how I ever lasted as a model.

I mean, every week, piling on all that hair and makeup,

squishing into those tight clothes.

I'll tell you, I don't miss it at all.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

-Oh, that's ma. -How do you know?

-[OVEN BELL DINGS] -Pie's done.

Oh, Fran, I'm so upset.

I don't even know how I got here.

Well, I see some Ray's pizza sauce,

some sauerkraut, and some sprinkles from Baskin and Robbins.

I'd say you took the subway to 59th Street

and walked Lexington Avenue.

Go ahead. Make fun.

Meanwhile, my life is over.

Your father is not attracted to me anymore.

I even tried surprising him at the door, naked.

Ma, you didn't.

I did.

Meanwhile, you will never see another

Jehovah's Witness in my building again.

Ma, why don't you just relax?

I'm sure it's just a phase.

Honey, we haven't had relations in two whole weeks.

-Two weeks? -Two weeks?

-Please, tell it... -I'm crying bitter tears...

-...to someone who cares. -...over here.

So, I've decided to have some cosmetic surgery.

I'm having my arms done.

Look at this.

It's-- it's just like tapioca pudding.

Ma, that is tapioca pudding.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

SINGER:♪♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪♪

♪♪ 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out ♪♪

♪♪ In one of those crushing scenes ♪♪

♪♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪♪

♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪

♪♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪♪

♪♪ She was there to sell makeup, but the father saw more ♪♪

♪♪ She had style! She had flair! She was there! ♪♪

♪♪ That's how she became the nanny! ♪♪

♪♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we've described ♪♪

♪♪ Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪♪

♪♪ Now the father finds her beguiling ♪♪

♪♪ Watch out, C.C.! ♪♪

♪♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪♪

♪♪ Such♪♪

♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪

♪♪ When everybody else is wearing tan ♪♪

♪♪ The flashy girl from Flushing ♪♪

♪♪ The nanny named Fran! ♪♪

Well, you know what, ma?

Not many people would trust a plastic surgeon

whose office is between Miller's Outpost and Hickory Farms.

This doctor did Aunt Ceil,

and I think she looks like a work of art.

Yeah, ma, a Picasso.

Fran, I'm gonna go pick up something at Brooks Brothers.

Why? What do you need there?

The tie salesman.

I'll tell you, if I died tomorrow,

I'd feel like I accomplished something.

I'll meet you at the shoe store. I'm gonna go cruise

-the chicks at the Limited. -Okay. Oh, B,

wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Your wallet's sticking out.

All your cash is showing.

Oh, no. That's right.

That's for when they tell me to take a hike.

I want it to hurt real bad.

You want to go with your sister or your brother?

No. I love a doctor's office.

The smell, the magazines, the drama!

It makes me feel so alive.

Oh, isn't she adorable?

The kid is weird.

Ladies,

I'm Dr. Roberts.

Now, who's the patient?

Oh, I like him already.

How old do you think I am?

-Uh... -Uh, well,

I don't know. Well, 55?

[EXCLAIMING]

I'm 50.

That's because I can't go to me.

Doctor, can you make me look like this?

Linda Evangelista, ma?

He's not Dr. Bombay.

Ladies, nothing is impossible.

You have insurance, right?

-Own your own home? -Now, ma...

don't get carried away.

He's gonna try and talk you into a bunch of stuff

you really don't need. Now, you're a beautiful woman.

I hope when I'm you're age, I look like you.

You will.

What do you mean?

Aging is determined by your genes.

Look at the bone structure, look at the jaw,

look at the eyes, the lips.

Behold, the future.

Can't something be done?

Oh, calm down.

That's what I'm here for, to prevent the inevitable.

Chocolate?

Enjoy it today. We can suck it out tomorrow.

Oh, Fran, you've got to read this.

Do you know what happens when you get as old as you?

You lose your tolerance for little children?

No. Your feet get bigger.

Actually, everything keeps growing,

your nose, your ears, your feet.

Your tush. It grows like a weed.

Yeah. But you can't control that.

That's glandular.

There's nothing you can do about glands.

You cannot help that.

Have another chocolate.

Thank you.

Oh, these are gorgeous.

Oh, I can't afford them.

Fran, you know, we wear the same size.

I can put these on dad's charge for me,

and you could...

borrow them.

Don't tell the others, but you're my favorite.

Fran, my feet grew a whole size!

Remember what that doctor said?

I'm getting old.

I'm turning into your mother!

Sweetie, sweetie, relax.

Let's talk about it. I'm here for you.

Get me these in a seven.

Gracie, getting older can be very exciting.

I mean, change and growth could be something

to look forward to.

They're too small. You need an eight.

I don't think so.

Miss...

They're fine, very comfy, like slippers.

Oh, Niles, you don't know how lucky you are.

And, look, you still got such nice small feet.

Say, you know what that means, don't you?

Never mind.

In England, we go by the hands.

What you doing, honey?

Looking at pictures of myself when I was young.

Look at how tight my skin was.

Nothing sagged.

Oh, I don't know. Those diapers look like they're hanging pretty low.

Fran, I don't want to get older.

Oh, what are you complaining about?

I'm the one with the size-eight foot in the grave.

Fran, are you a lot older than me?

Well, let's put it this way.

When you're 20, I'll be 40.

When you're 30, I'll be 40.

And when you're 40, you'll understand why I'm still 40.

It's the new math. Learn it.

Miss Fine, did you get shorter?

Oh, no. I'm aging, and now I'm shrinking?

You know, it's genetic, too.

I had a great-aunt that would come in through the doggy door.

Oh, wait. Look, I'm wearing my slippers.

My feet were killing me.

Some stupid salesman sold me a pair of shoes

that must have been mismarked.

Maybe your feet have gotten bigger.

You know, when you get older, they tend to...

I don't think so.

Fortunately, the Babcock women age gracefully.

Well, you've always been a rebel.

Miss Fine, everyone's looks fade eventually.

It's-- it's what's inside a person that really matters.

What kind of a bizarre world are you living in?

With age comes wisdom.

Yeah. And for a man,

wisdom and a 20-year-old bimbo.

Well, he didn't say life was fair.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

I am serious. My foot went up a whole size.

And ma's doctor said that as you get older,

your appendages keep growing.

More good news for men.

Why are women so vain?

Oh, I guess you're right.

I mean, look, you're not the least bit concerned

about that little bald spot right there on the back of your head.

What?

Oh, you know, it's nothing. Nothing.

Just, well, when you go out in the sun,

you might want to smear a little Coppertone on it. That's all.

Stop! Get me a mirror. Quick! Quick!

-Get a mirror. -Oh, would you relax?

Wasn't it you that just said it's what's inside that counts?

I was talking about you. Not me!

Do-- do you know why I'm successful?

I mean, anyone can throw on a revival,

drag out some old musical,

but people want to do business with me

because I'm, well, cute.

Big bushy hair, English accent.

I'm a one-man mop-top British Invasion.

Down, Ringo.

Meanwhile, I'm the one that's got to go to the big modeling reunion

with these clodhoppers.

Oh, Miss Fine, come on, you're a beautiful woman.

No one's gonna be looking at your feet.

Oh, yeah? I was a foot model.

I haven't seen these girls in 10 years.

I don't want them to see how time has ravaged me.

I mean, we are talking about mean,

backstabbing, vicious women.

Then why are you going?

'Cause they're my friends.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, I am so thankful

that you insisted on bringing me to this reunion.

Anyway, that's the story if anyone asks.

Oh, look, that's me.

Oh, my goodness!

Miss Fine, I had no idea you were in that commercial

where the women played basketball in heels.

Oh, yeah. Although, after eight hours on that court,

they may have looked like a pump,

but they stunk like a sneaker.

-So, are you a little more relaxed now? -Mmm.

You know, you are by far the most beautiful woman in the room.

Oh, how sweet.

Good reading. A little louder. Nobody heard you.

Ladies, can we all get together for a group shot?

Oh, hide me. Hide me.

I don't want to take any pictures.

Fran, you look gorgeous.

You haven't changed a bit.

Girls, girls, pictures, pictures. Come on.

Okay, ladies, lift those dresses.

Let's see some feet.

[ALL GASPING]

What? What?

No!

No. No. No. No.

Miss Fine. Miss Fine. Wake up.

Were you having that Streisand's retiring dream again?

No. No. I-- and don't even say that.

It puts it out there.

Miss Fine, you're shaking. Calm down.

Oh, I dreamt about the reunion.

I went, as planned.

I looked gorgeous, as planned.

I was even five pounds thinner,

just a little bonus from my subconscious.

Then I looked down at my feet and they were huge.

Oh, Miss Fine,

your-- your feet are beautiful.

You are beautiful.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield-- huh?

Miss Fine, the children all have plans for this evening.

You're telling me this because...

Which-- which leaves you and me free.

To?

Fran. Oh, Fran, Fran...

Fran,

Fran,

Fran.

Oh, no. Ma!

Go away. I've got to get back to sleep.

Fran, this is very important.

Ma, believe me, this is both our dreams coming true.

Go away.

Fran, wake up. I have wonderful news.

I'm not having my arms done.

I've decided to grow old gracefully, with dignity and honor.

The insurance didn't cover it?

No.

Daddy's policy doesn't cover elective surgery.

I have to be in our home

and run over by farm equipment.

You know, ma, I'd love to sit here and talk to you all day,

but I've got something very important

that I've got to finish. Good night.

Niles, that bloody drain in my bathroom's all stopped up again.

Isn't it your job to keep it clean?

Oh, sir, I don't think of it as just a job.

It's more like a calling.

Well, how about calling a bloody plumber

to find out what's clogging it?

What do you think is clogging it, sir?

Just off the top of your head?

-I am not losing my hair! -Oh, of course not, sir.

It's thick and luxurious and does that great flippy thing in the front.

Can it, Niles. I'm not in the mood for cheap flattery.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I was just thinking

that it's looking like Pierce Brosnan's.

Really?

You know, a couple of people have told me that.

Because, you know, I think Miss Fine made it up that your hair is thinning

because you weren't sympathetic to her problem.

That's because she doesn't have a bloody problem!

Look, Niles, she's a young, beautiful woman.

What do I have to do to convince her she's desirable?

Oh, sir, I'm sure you'll think of something.

I mean, after all, you're a man, she's a woman.

Fill in the blanks.

The children are at school.

She's lying on the sofa.

And if all else fails,

what would Pierce Brosnan do?

Miss Fine, Miss Fine, wake up.

Oh, good. It worked. I'm back.

Miss Fine,

did you pick up my blue suit from the cleaners?

Mr. Sheffield, I'm sorry.

I-I-I don't usually sleep during the day.

Well, yeah, I do, but you don't usually catch me.

Miss Fine, I don't know

what you're so upset about this reunion for.

You have absolutely nothing to worry about.

Your feet are beautiful.

You are beautiful.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield-- huh?

You know, the children all have plans for this evening.

Oh, my God!

Wait a minute.

[EXCLAIMING]

Okay. Go ahead.

I just thought, with the house empty,

that would leave you and me free to...

To?

To go to the reunion together.

The reunion?

That's not the way it went.

Go back! Go back!

Fran. Fran.

Not that far. Not that far.

Oh, it's a beautiful night, isn't it?

-Mmm-hmm. -I'm so glad we didn't go right in.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, thank you so much for taking me to the reunion.

I had a fabulous time.

I did, too.

Did you know all your girlfriends are under the impression

that I was your husband? [CHUCKLES]

Gee, I wonder what kind of a nut

would spread a rumor like that?

Isn't it amazing how old everybody looked?

And yet I look exactly the same.

I know what you mean. You know,

every morning when I look in the mirror,

I still see the face of a man in his 20s.

That's funny.

Every morning when I look in the mirror,

I hope to see the face of a man in his 20s.

Oh, let's face it, Miss Fine, age is irrelevant.

It's just a state of mind.

Absolutely.

It's how young you feel that counts.

[BOTH GROANING]

[EXCLAIMING]

Maxwell!

C.C., what on earth...

C.C.: What?

I-- I wasn't, uh, waiting up to see

what time you two got home.

I-- I just stopped by

after the...

Theater.

Yes.

Where I saw...

Victor/Victoria.

Right.

Well, I have to run. I have a date.

I hope it's in the Village.

Oh, hello, sweetheart, what are you doing still up?

I can't sleep. I'm obsessing about getting old and dying.

Oh, sweetie,

that's not gonna happen for a very long time.

Not me. You.

Me? Oh, honey.

I'm not going anywhere until I've got a house in Great Neck,

a couple of kids, and a husband waiting outside the Loehmann's dressing room.

See, sweetheart? She'll be here forever.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]