Original subtitles

Oh, it's a valentine from Ma.

How do you know?

Look, there's a Lee Press-On Nail stuck in the truffle.

So, Fran, how come you don't like Valentine's Day?

Oh, you know, everybody makes such a big deal

about it being the most romantic day of the year.

Meanwhile, I think it's very commercialized,

and I just don't buy into it.

Oh! I got a date for Valentine's Day!

Oh, you know, it's the most romantic day of the year.

Oh, what is it with girls and Valentine's Day?

They send you those stupid cards,

and then they expect you to, like,

talk to them and ask them out.

Well, I'm not doing it.

No one sent you a card?

No.

How about you, Tommy?

Well, we're friends and stuff,

but I don't think I should be sending him a valentine.

No.

Honey, I... I meant, do you have a valentine?

Oh, well, there is a girl that I sort of like,

but I think she might be

a little bit out of my league.

She is.

So, Fran, who's your date with?

Oh, well, remember that really cute guy,

Jeff, the cop that I went out with once?

Oh, was that the date you had when I was in the third grade

or the one you had when I was in the fourth?

You wanna make it to the fifth?

SINGER:♪♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪♪

♪♪ 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out ♪♪

♪♪ in one of those crushing scenes ♪♪

♪♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪♪

♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪

♪♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪♪

♪♪ She was there to sell makeup, but the father saw more ♪♪

♪♪ She had style! She had flair! She was there! ♪♪

♪♪ That's how she became the nanny! ♪♪

♪♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we've described ♪♪

♪♪ was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪♪

♪♪ Now the father finds her beguiling ♪♪

♪♪ Watch out, C.C.! ♪♪

♪♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪♪

♪♪ Such♪♪

♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪

♪♪ When everybody else is wearing tan ♪♪

♪♪ The flashy girl from Flushing ♪♪

♪♪ The nanny named Fran! ♪♪

Knock-knock. Happy Monday before Valentine's Day, Mr. Sheffield.

Care for a chocolate?

That's caramel. That's nougat. That's mint.

How do you know what's in them?

I'm psychic.

Don't turn them over.

Miss Fine, could this sudden exuberance for the holiday

have something to do with the fact

that you actually have a date this year?

Oh, please, come on, what do you... Yeah.

What are you doing for the holiday?

Well, I'll be working.

I don't go in for all this Valentine's Day racket. It's-- It's so commercial.

I used to feel that way, too.

In fact, not 10 minutes ago.

♪♪ What a difference a date makes ♪♪

Good morning, everyone, isn't it a fabulous day?

Oh, look, Miss Babcock's even in the spirit of it.

You bet I am.

They finally evicted that old lady

in the apartment next to mine.

We started breaking through the bedroom wall this morning.

A bigger bedroom.

Aren't we being a glutton for punishment?

Oh, don't you have something to wax?

I put that question to you.

Mr. Sheffield, I hate to think about you sitting here all by yourself.

You should be with someone you love on Valentine's Day.

Well, I appreciate your concern, Miss Fine,

but truthfully, there's no one I care enough about right now

to spend Valentine's Day with.

Oh, good news. You got the day off.

You know, you're never gonna meet someone unless you take a chance.

It doesn't matter who it is.

Just put yourself out there.

Well, I suppose there is that lady

from the Shubert Organization.

-Her? -Her?

Oh, the redhead, sir?

-If she ever gets those roots done. -Quite a figure, eh, Niles?

She should lipo her butt.

Oh, no. She's lovely.

It's a very good choice.

Yeah, you know, the thing is you just

do something romantic, ask someone out.

The redhead is fine.

With that tuchus, I'm sure she likes ice cream.

Fran, look at all these people.

We're never gonna get on the first bus.

Oh, don't worry. I'll take care of that.

Can you believe that gorgeous two-bedroom apartment on the corner there

for only 400 bucks a month?

Oh, Val, could you believe how stupid those people... Val!

There is no apartment, is there?

Good, Val.

Oh, I knew. I knew.

Cause $400 a month is really good for two bedrooms.

-Did it have a French... -No, Val!

Gee, I hope I have exact change.

Oh, what's this?

Looky, a Valentine's card.

"Dear Miss Fine, won't you be my valentine?

"Meet me at the Sutton Ice Cream Parlor at 3:00

"on the most romantic day of the year.

"Love, your secret admirer."

Oh, an anonymous valentine signed "Secret admirer."

Who's it from?

Val, you know, there was a wood-burning fireplace in that apartment.

Val, look, it says, "Dear Miss Fine."

This is either from Mr. Sheffield,

or our old high school principal hasn't gotten over me

wearing that tube top to Earth Day.

Come on, Fran, Mr. Sheffield sent you a valentine?

That's unbelievable.

I know, isn't...

No, it's not.

I'm the one that put the whole idea in his head.

I'm the one that told him to take the girl

with the big bun out for ice cream.

Listen, Flabbio,

I want to be alone with Maxwell tonight.

What's it gonna cost me to make you disappear?

Try 50 bucks.

Done.

Okay.

No, it didn't work. I'm still here.

Oh, Miss Fine,

would it be too forward of me to say, "Whoa, baby girl"?

-You like? -Mmm-hmm.

You know, this is the most fabulous dress I own.

I only wear it when I have a very hot date.

You know, Mr. Sheffield asked me out for Valentine's Day.

That's impossible.

Why does everybody find that so hard to believe?

Well, it's just that he always tells me everything.

Don't you mean you read his mail, listen at the door

and eavesdrop on the intercom?

Well, for backup.

I can't believe he left me out of the loop.

I don't care for this at all.

Niles, any calls for me while I was out?

Maybe yes, maybe no.

Oh, Miss Fine, that is one sexy outfit.

Oh, well, you know, I've got a hot date.

Well, he's gonna be a very lucky man.

Isn't someone being Mr. Optimism?

Fran, I need you to help me think of an excuse.

I've made two dates for Valentine's Day, and I've got to break one.

Honey, shame on you.

You know how many girls are out there starving?

Now, you're gonna finish those two dates,

and I don't want to hear another word about it.

Huh. Can you believe that kid?

I should have two dates on Valentine's Day.

What time are you meeting Mr. Sheffield at Sutton's?

-3:00. -Hmm.

And what time are you meeting Jeff at Dominique's?

2:30. Oh, my God, Jeff! What's this for?

Well, you can't keep them both.

It'll take you 20 minutes to get across town,

and no one can eat a full five-course meal in under 10 minutes.

You obviously have never broken

the Yom Kippur fast at my mother's house.

Oh, hi, Jeff.

Thank you. You, too. Just lucky.

What?

Well, weren't you gonna say

great dress, good to see you,

and where'd you ever find a purse to match those shoes?

Let's order.

-All right, now, Fran. -Yes?

You know, I got the whole afternoon off

'cause I thought we'd have a nice, leisurely, romantic lunch.

Absolutely. Waiter!

How long does it take to make the capellini?

I recommend the tri-color fusilli con fruta del mare...

You know, that even takes too long to say.

Sghettis. Vamatos. Vamatos.

Fran, do you have some other place to be?

No, of course not. There's no place

I'd rather be than right here with you.

♪♪ Oh, one last kiss ♪♪

♪♪ Give me one last kiss ♪♪

♪♪ It never felt like this ♪♪

♪♪ No, never felt like this ♪♪

♪♪ You know I need your love ♪♪

♪♪ Oh, oh, oh! ♪♪

♪♪ Oh, give me one last kiss ♪♪

Can I get you anything while you wait?

Oh, please, I'm stuffed.

Oh, I see you've got a minimum.

All right. You might as well bring me the Mount McKinley.

You know, you don't have to order. We're not that busy.

Oh, that's okay. I wouldn't want you to get into trouble.

No. Really, it's okay.

Rules are rules, honey.

Don't be stingy on the nuts.

There's a gentleman here for you,

and he'd like you to close your eyes.

Oh, okay.

Oh, didn't we shave close today.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Oh, Tommy. Oh, that's so sweet.

But, you know, if you don't mind,

I'm waiting for Mr. Sheffield,

and he ain't coming because you're my secret admirer.

Yeah.

Honey, I'm... I'm very flattered.

If only you weren't 14.

You know, we're six years apart.

Val, Val, I gotta stop Mr. Sheffield's valentine

before I make a total fool of myself.

Why? Well, remember when you suggested

that I give him a really big card?

Well, I think I might have gone a little overboard.

Val, I hope you bought enough paint,

'cause we're really gonna have to paint

over the entire billboard.

Why do you always have to go over the top with men?

I don't know.

Ordinarily, I'm not a flashy person.

You know me. Less is more.

Now, come on, let's go before he gets

a look at that thing on his way to work.

Well, I'm off to the theatre.

The theatre where your show is at?

No. The theatre where they're showing that talking pig film.

You know, every time I see it, I discover new things...

Of course the theatre where my show is!

Your 4:00 meeting is waiting in your office.

Oh, Niles, I completely forgot it.

Who's it with again?

You have your secrets. I have mine.

Just what is your bloody problem?

Well, if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you.

You are such a baby.

-Am not. -Are, too.

Good. This ought to buy us some time.

Let's get out of here.

Oh, you're back.

So, how was your secret admirer?

Did he smell good?

I mean, I did tell him to shower after gym class.

Oh! You knew about this?

Yep.

Pretty funny. Well, guess who's picking you up from school tomorrow?

My mother.

So?

Straight from Jazzercize in her thong leotard.

And you know, she don't wait outside neither.

She'll want to come in and meet all your little friends.

So?

Maybe she'll even do her flash dance.

You know, she's a maniac!

No! I'm sorry. I'll be a good boy.

Oh, well, it is too late for that, mister.

You better start watching your back

and sleeping with one eye opened,

and brush your teeth after every meal!

What? I'm still his nanny.

Val, remind me next time to say it with flowers.

I don't know, Fran. I don't see what the big deal is.

I mean, I think it was a very nice gesture.

Val, if he didn't send me a valentine card,

then it's gonna seem like the act of a desperate woman.

Yeah?

Well, if Mr. Sheffield takes one look at this,

he's gonna think that I'm in love with him.

Aren't you?

Not if he ain't in love with me!

Now, come on, let's get started here.

Wow! Look at the view from up here.

You could see halfway to Jersey.

Wow! You can see all the way into that apartment.

[BOTH GROWLING]

They rolled down onto the floor.

Okay. There they are.

I am sorry,

but all men look great in a Lone Ranger mask.

Oh, baby.

Oh, okay.

You know what? Let's get started. Let's do it already.

Where's the paint?

It's down there.

Why?

Well, you were in such a rush to get up here, I...

It doesn't matter!

Let's just go down and get it.

Now, unlock your lever when I say "Three."

Have you got that, Val? Three.

[VAL SCREAMING]

No, Val!

VAL: I'm okay!

I landed in someone's terrace garden!

Oh, there's a party inside. Lots of cute guys.

Get help!

And phone numbers!

In fact, there's no girls, just cute guys!

Get recipes.

Niles, Andrew Lloyd Webber just called.

It appears I have a 40-foot valentine

from Miss Fine on a billboard in Times Square.

Isn't that amazing?

Yes. He's a very busy man.

He's gotCats PhantomSunset...

Not that he called!

Do you have any idea why Miss Fine did this?

What's it worth to you?

-Your job. -Here's the scoop.

Miss Fine got a valentine

from a secret admirer to meet her at Sutton's

and thought it was you.

Who was it from?

Brighton's friend, Tommy Altman.

Did... Did she go?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Oh, no, no. Really, Niles. It's very sweet.

I mean, no one's ever done anything like that for me before.

-And what have I done for her? -Oh, the usual.

Belittle her Valentine Day spirit

and crush her heart beyond repair.

She said that?

No. I just threw that last part in

'cause you called me a baby.

All right. So where is she now?

Well, she was so embarrassed that she got you a billboard

and you did nothing for her

that she'll probably be up there all night painting it over.

Oh, that is one miserable way of spending Valentine's Day.

Hello, hello.

And here's another.

Happy Valentine's Day, Maxwell.

I thought while we were working,

you might want something to nibble on.

Oh, C.C. This basket is perfect!

Oh, Maxwell,

perhaps you should dim the lights.

C.C.: Maxwell...

Maxwell?

Niles!

Oh, my God!

No one is going to believe this.

How long can those two keep going?

Miss Fine!

Mr. Sheffield, what are you doing here?

Niles told me about the sign.

What sign?

It was a lovely thought, Miss Fine.

Care to join me for a picnic?

Here? And now? On this billboard?

Well, we've certainly...

Certainly got the view.

Yeah.

Oh, good Lord! Don't look, Miss Fine.

I'm so embarrassed.

You know, Miss Fine, you were right.

It appears I had forgotten the real meaning of Valentine's Day.

But seeing it all from up here

reminds me again of what it's all about.

I'm over here, Mr. Sheffield.

Oh, right. Well, I... I meant the billboard.

You know, Miss Fine, it's... It's been a long time

since anyone's made me feel...

Well, quite like this.

Oh.

Happy Valentine's Day, Mr. Sheffield.

Happy Valentine's Day, Miss Fine.

[SIREN WAILING]

OFFICER:Don't panic. We're here to rescue you.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]