Original subtitles

Fran, what are we doing here?

The guys that come to this coffee shop

already got girls they picked up at the club.

Honey, that's why you and I are shoo-ins.

You know what those chicks are gonna look like under these lights

with their big hair and gaudy dresses and overly done makeup?

A couple of hookers, that's what.

Oh, I'm never gonna meet anybody.

I'm such a loser.

Val, you're your own worst enemy.

And anytime now a guy can come up to you and say hi.

Hi.

Do you mind? We're talking here.

Hey, could I get your name and number?

FRAN: Why? Was that your Porsche we hit in the front?

What Porsche?

Oh, nothing.

Are you actually making a move on Val?

Uh...

Yeah.

BOTH: [SCREAMING]

Oh, Val, you see.

I told you it was gonna happen.

The three-year drought is over.

You're not gonna be an old maid!

All right, play hard-to-get.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

SINGER:♪♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪♪

♪♪ 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out ♪♪

♪♪ In one of those crushing scenes ♪♪

♪♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪♪

♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪

♪♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪♪

♪♪ She was there to sell makeup, but the father saw more ♪♪

♪♪ She had style! She had flair! She was there! ♪♪

♪♪ That's how she became the nanny! ♪♪

♪♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we've described ♪♪

♪♪ Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪♪

♪♪ Now the father finds her beguiling ♪♪

♪♪ Watch out, C.C.! ♪♪

♪♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪♪

♪♪ Such♪♪

♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪

♪♪ When everybody else is wearing tan ♪♪

♪♪ The flashy girl from Flushing ♪♪

♪♪ The nanny named Fran! ♪♪

Maxwell, I have some samples to show you

for our new business cards.

There's this one...

No. You go ahead and pick one, C.C.

You know I really don't care about this sort of...

Sheffield should be bigger.

I agree.

That's why I think we should go with this one.

-Fine. -Move your thumb.

[EXCLAIMS]

The other one.

"Sheffield-Babcock Productions"?

Yes, Maxwell.

I think it's time I got some recognition.

I perform a very important function around here.

Oh, that's true, sir. That couch would be floating all over the room

if she weren't here to hold it down.

Maxwell, this partnership discussion

is long overdue, and you always find a way of avoiding it.

Oh, that's absurd, C.C.

I certainly don't try to avoid...

Oh, Miss Fine. Do come in.

I didn't break it.

Break what?

Uh, my diet?

Come, sit. Sit, sit, sit.

So how is that wacky family of yours, eh?

Oh, well, let's see.

Oh, you know, they scrambled the Spice Channel

at Grandma Yetta's retirement home.

Two freak pregnancies.

And you know ma's mole,

the one that kept changing colors?

Well, thank God, nothing.

Doctor called it a mood mole.

[ALL LAUGH]

Dad wasn't so lucky, though.

You know that burning sensation he has...

Shut up!

He doesn't really care.

He is just listening to your blather

to avoid talking to me.

Well!

Anywho, the burning sensation...

Nanny Fine, wouldn't you rather share this

mindless dribble with your friend Val?

Well, yes, I would.

But Val's not around much these days ever since

she found herself a boyfriend.

ALL: [LAUGHING]

Oh, no, it's true. It's true.

Val has a life, and I don't.

It's a world gone mad.

It's like when Rhoda got married before Mary.

Oh, poor Nanny Fine.

Would you like a nice cup of tea?

Oh, you know, that would be very nice.

Good. Get me one with lemon, too.

God, how do I put up with that woman,

not to mention the remains of decay over here?

C.C., I founded this company when I was 17 years old,

and I am not about to give half of it away.

Without me, there would be no

Maxwell Sheffield Productions.

Niles, would you leave us alone for a moment?

Oh, certainly, sir. I'm almost done.

Now, look, C.C.

I had already produced seven shows in England

before you became my secretary!

[CHUCKLING]

Oh, I forgot about those seven shows.

What did the critics call them?

"Sleepy," "Dopey," "Lousy," and "Closey"?

All right, C.C. If you're unhappy here,

please don't let me stand in your way.

Fine. If that's the way you feel, I quit!

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah!

Well, why didn't you say something?

I'm sorry, sir. I just-- I just got so excited. I mean,

she said... and then-- then you said... and when she said, "I quit,"

well, I-I-I just wanted to roll over, light up, and watchLetterman.

Oh!

[♪♪♪]

Psst, psst. Dad, is Fran here?

-No. -Oh, thank God.

First, she makes me go with her to buy some shoes.

I'm sorry. But those people deserve medals.

Then we went to get a facial.

I'm combination skin, should it ever come up.

And then I had to sit throughA Star is Born,

both Barbra and Judy's version.

Dad, she's turning me into Val.

[SOBBING]

Brighton,

Yentl

on laser disc.

♪♪ Brighton, can you hear me? ♪♪

No!

Look, Miss Fine, I know you're going through

a very difficult stage right now,

and I can't possibly fill Val's shoes.

Well, unfortunately for her, you can.

Well, I'm not busy.

How about I be your best friend tonight, hmm?

Come on, what... what would you and Val do together?

Uh...

Make out.

Miss Fine...

Well, sometimes we file our nails,

and we talk about our fantasies, you know,

when our parents are gonna move to Florida,

Haagen-Dazs, burning fat.

You know, the usual.

Well, I have fantasies, too, you know.

Cats

Phantom Sunset Boulevard

And, you know, then, sometimes we fantasize about men.

How about you?

Well, I did once have a dream about that chap inWings.

Ah, you know, um,

I-- I think this is, uh, getting a little too intimate for me.

I'm, uh, I'm gonna go and watch some sports.

Miss Toriello is here.

FRAN: Oh, Val, you broke up with Pauly?

Oh, you know, it's probably all for the best.

I thought that he was the biggest...

Oh, hi, Pauly.

Hey.

Hi.

Fran, I just gotta use the bathroom.

Yeah. We could have went to Orange Julius,

but they make you buy something.

Okay, go, go.

Oh.

FRAN: [CHUCKLING]

Oh, you kids

make such a cute couple.

-You know, we should double sometime. -Sure.

-Maybe you could dig someone up for me. -Yeah.

Like you need any help getting fixed up.

I was just pulling your leg.

Got any brothers?

Fran, I tell you,

I've been waiting for someone like Val for a long time.

Oh, that's really sweet, Pauly.

You know, I'm very happy for the two of you.

I know we're all gonna be great friends.

MAXWELL: Ah, C.C.,

come crawling back?

Actually, Maxwell, I'm in negotiations with Marvin Hamlisch.

You know him. You met him at the awards dinner,

when he got the Tony and you got the onion soup.

-[CHUCKLES] -Anyway, we're forming a company.

-Oh, really? You and Marvin, eh? -Uh-huh.

So what's it to be, Bablisch Productions

or simply Hamcock?

[CHUCKLING]

Well, I'd love to stay and chat,

but I just dropped by to get my things.

It's gonna take me forever to pack up and get out of here.

[NILES SINGING]

God, Niles, I can't get into my office.

Scripts are piled to the bloody ceiling.

Where do they all come from?

Young, starving writers, sir,

scraping together the $2

to postmark the opus they pray

will rescue them from their squalor.

C.C. reads all of them?

No. She throws them out.

She was more valuable to me than I thought.

NILES: Oh, true, sir. People with pets live longer.

Oh, God, that would have gotten you, eh, old girl?

Niles, is it possible you actually miss Miss Babcock

and that you're substituting food for insulting her?

Oh, that is ridiculous, sir.

I don't know what you're talking about.

What happened to that quart of Chunky Monkey

that was behind the peas?

Been there, done that.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, I don't know what to do.

Val's new boyfriend made a pass at me.

Well, perhaps you just imagined the whole thing.

I most certainly did not. Now, come over here.

I'm gonna show you exactly what happened.

Put your arms around me.

Okay. Normal, normal, normal.

How do you do?

Are you sure he held you like this for this long?

Well, I'm taking a little dramatic license.

I mean, it is a re-enactment of an actual event.

Miss Fine, isn't it possible you just

backed into a drawer or something?

Look, if a drawer could do that,

I'd be living at Ethan Allen's.

Maybe... maybe you're just jealous of the relationship

and wanted to break them up.

I don't have a jealous bone in my body.

That's completely against my personality.

Ah, yes, but sometimes when you're facing a void in life,

you do, well, pretty strange things.

Yeah. You have been acting a little weird lately.

Oh, you're right. I know you're right.

I just need a new best friend.

Yeah. Boy, I could sure use a good zing at Miss Babcock.

You know, when I was a kid

and our dog died, we got a new one.

That's what I need, a new dog.

Hello. Hello.

[MUMBLING]

Well, C.C., long time no see.

You know, now that you've quit,

you're much more punctual than you were when you were getting paid.

Perhaps I should fire you.

Excuse me!

But she happens to commute here.

I live here.

Oh!

I just came by to drop off these contracts that were at my house.

Miss Babcock, look, you're on the cover of theInquisitor.

Oh, how did that get in there?

Oh, my God.

"Miracle dog lands plane." Listen to this.

"Peppy, Peppy the Chihuahua..."

Below the dog with the goggles, Maxwell!

Me and Marvin Hamlisch, right there.

Oh, well, C.C., seems congratulations are in order.

You're in good company.

Well, Marvin Hamlisch is an institution.

I meant Peppy.

Miss Babcock, I was wondering

-if you'd like to... -Love to.

Well, you didn't even know what I was gonna...

-My treat. -Okay.

Gee, I'm famished.

We'll have so much to talk about. It'll be great.

Like what?

Uh...

We'll drink. We'll drink.

You've had sushi before, haven't you, Nanny Fine?

Oh, yeah. Sure, sure, sure, sure.

Smells like fish here.

Oh, look, samples.

Tastes a little rubbery.

You're eating the display.

Oh, my God.

I'm turning into my mother.

You know, once she ate a half of a plastic Oreo cookie

before she realized it was a refrigerator magnet.

Miss Babcock, did you ever think

that a guy was coming on to you

and it turned out that he really had no interest in you at all?

Oh, happens to me all the time.

[EXCLAIMING]

So, what's the green stuff?

It's wasabi. It's like mustard. Gives it a real kick.

Ooh, I love mustard.

So, tell me,

how's working with Marvin Hamlisch?

How should I know? I never met the man.

Well, what about that picture in the paper?

Oh, Nanny Fine, I know the editor.

The entire cover was a fake.

You mean, Peppy didn't fly the plane?

Nanny Fine, you've got to help me.

You have to get Maxwell to ask me back.

Please, Nanny Fine, you've just got to do this for me,

for old time's sake.

We go way back.

Remember that time you ate the rubber shrimp?

Gee,

you know, that mustard really clears up the nasal passages.

I like it.

I wonder how long it's gonna last?

FRAN: What's the matter, Mr. Sheffield?

Miss Fine, it's no good. I-- I just can't be genuinely

insincere the way Miss Babcock is.

I tried calling everyone "sweetie darling" like she does.

Now Harvey Fierstein's making pesto for me on Thursday.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield,

why don't you and Miss Babcock bury the hatchet?

Ask her back. Then you could take her to the benefit tomorrow.

Actually, Miss Fine, I was just thinking about asking you.

Okay. I can't worry about the world.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Oh, I'll get that. It's for me.

-Oh, hi, Pauly. -Hey, Fran.

Where's Val?

Oh, she stepped in some dog doo

so she went to buy a lottery ticket.

Well, actually, I'm glad that we have a minute together because...

I just wanted to tell you... you know the other night

when I accidentally tripped you

and you fell on the floor and then I stepped on your hand?

Hey, no problem.

Well, it wasn't exactly an accident.

No kidding?

What about the hot soup?

Oh, I'm so ashamed.

-What about the... -Let's not belabor this.

The point is, is that, well, the other day when you hugged me,

I kind of thought that you were coming on to me,

and now I realize that I was probably

just jealous of Val having a...

Hey, Fran, say no more.

I just want us all to be good friends.

Me, too.

Pauly!

Val!

-This is not what it looks like. -Yeah.

Well, it looks like you're kissing my best friend.

Okay. I was wrong. This is very similar.

But she kissed me.

Oh, Pauly, you better tell the truth

or you're gonna be walking funny.

I'm thinking that you've been in this situation before.

Now get out of here! I never want to see you again.

-Get out! Get out! -Get out!

Oh, what a slime.

-What a lowlife. -What a sleaze.

-Ugh! -Some hell of a kisser, huh?

Wasn't he?

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Oh, I'll get it!

I'm coming.

Oh, Miss Babcock, you look fabulous.

What are you doing here?

You called me. You told me you had a plan

to get me and Maxwell back together.

You told me to get dressed up and get over here!

Oh, that was tonight? Ah, psyched you out.

-C.C., what are you doing here? -Uh...

Well, she came to pick up the tickets for the benefit.

Good! I mean, yes.

But she can't stay long because

Marvin Hamlisch is waiting in the limo.

That's right. Marvin Ham-- Huh?

Why don't you invite him in?

Yeah. Why don't you go invite him in?

I can't, Nanny Fine,

because he's in the car talking on the car phone to...

C.C.

Hello, Marvin Hamlisch.

Oh, Mr. Hamlisch, I'm one of your biggest fans.

-Can you send me an autographed picture? -Of course.

Just have her write, "To Fran, Love Barbra Streisand."

Maxwell...

Maxwell, I can't imagine why you'd let

this woman go, but your loss is my gain.

[C.C. LAUGHS]

-How did you... -[SHUSHING]

Excuse me, sir. It's Harvey Fierstein

regarding the pesto.

Can you digest pine nuts?

Oh, my God!

You know what, Harv, put his nuts on the side.

Oh, God, C.C., please, please,

you have to come back. Look, I'll-- I'll make you executive vice president

and give you two full points in the company.

I'm afraid I can't come back for anything

than an equal partnership, Maxwell.

Sorry, C.C., I can't do that.

Kidding!

Come on, C.C., we've got some backers to schmooze.

No hard feelings, hey, Marv?

Good luck with your new show.

I smell a Tony.

Well, then, you should have showered after he left.

[SIGHS]

Welcome back.

So, tell me, would you like a drink?

-I'd love it. -Okay.

Oh, Mr. Hamlisch, I'm such a big fan.

Do you know, I saw A Chorus Linenine...

Save it, Niles.

This is Alan Neider,

my music teacher from Hillcrest High School.

Isn't he a dead ringer for Marvin Hamlisch?

I don't see it.

Oh, I'll tell you, it is so pathetic,

the poor guy living in the shadow of a genius.

No real talent himself.

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

Sad, isn't it?

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]