Original subtitles

Maxwell, I can't believe you won't let me read your first novel.

I've never been so insulted in my life.

You've never been so insulted?

Well, now, I'm insulted.

C.C., my writing is very personal to me.

Look, if it makes you feel any better,

I can assure you no one has read it, and no one ever will.

Here's your book, Mr. Sheffield.

I got a little Slim-Fast on page nine.

Miss Fine, this manuscript was in a folder

marked "Personal" in a file marked "Private" hidden in my desk drawer.

Oh, I get you. I get you.

You don't want certain people reading it.

Miss Fine, that included you.

You're kidding? If you didn't want anybody reading it,

you should have put it in your secret wall safe.

You want me to open it for you? Get out.

All right. Okay. But I'm telling you, this man is gifted.

Come back.

You really think so?

Oh, I was so engrossed in it.

Now, remember that script you asked me

to hand-deliver to Mandy Patinkin

before 12:00,

or he was gonna pass on your new play?

Didn't do it.

What? He's getting on a plane for the coast in an hour.

Oh, well, do you want me to rush and catch him,

because, you know, I can tell you how great your book is later.

Oh, no, no, no. Sit, sit, sit. C.C. can go.

Maxwell! Oh, just give me the script.

I'll never get to the airport in an hour.

That's true, sir. She needs at least two people on her broom

to use the express lane.

So, uh, Miss Fine, you were saying?

Well, I just loved the lead character.

You know, the rich, handsome movie producer

tragically widowed in the prime of his life,

struggling to raise three children all by himself.

Oh, I don't know how you come up with this stuff.

I just let my imagination run wild.

And my favorite was the over-the-hill houseboy.

Hmm?

What a riot. Thinks he should be king of the castle.

Every time the boss turns his back,

he's smoking his cigars and drinking his brandy,

mumbling something under his breath.

[MUMBLES] Probably make another million.

Like he needs it.

Well, now that they're gone,

can we talk about the producer

and that sexy, gorgeous governess

he's got prancing around in those short skirts.

Oh, I'll tell you,

they've got so much...

[GROWLING] ..between them.

-You like that, huh? -Oh, baby.

And that wedding night after all those years of sexual tension.

Hoo-ah!

Miss Fine, they don't get married.

Well, I'm just telling you what the public wants.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

SINGER:♪♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪♪

♪♪ 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out ♪♪

♪♪ In one of those crushing scenes ♪♪

♪♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪♪

♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪

♪♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffields' door ♪♪

♪♪ She was there to sell makeup, but the father saw more ♪♪

♪♪ She had style! She had flair! She was there! ♪♪

♪♪ That's how she became the nanny! ♪♪

♪♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we've described ♪♪

♪♪ Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪♪

♪♪ Now the father finds her beguiling ♪♪

♪♪ Watch out, C.C.! ♪♪

♪♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪♪

♪♪ Such♪♪

♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪

♪♪ When everybody else is wearing tan ♪♪

♪♪ The flashy girl from Flushing ♪♪

♪♪ The nanny named Fran! ♪♪

Wait a minute. Is this fat-free, sugar-free and artificially sweetened?

No. But I used an eight-inch pan instead of a ten.

-Close enough. -Hm.

Spit that out.

She's like one of those dope-sniffing dogs.

Fran, this is how you spend your day,

standing around the kitchen eating cake?

Thank you.

Fran, you're probably wondering why I'm acting so strange.

Ma, you've been here for two seconds.

You yelled, you ate.

The only thing strange is that

you haven't showed me a wedding announcement

from a girl I went to high school with.

It's in my purse.

Meanwhile, Cousin Susan's kid is getting circumcised,

and she wants me to throw the bris party.

Well, you're the one that wanted to have the apartment

professionally decorated.

Fran, it's too much for me.

I'm just gonna tell them I'm having a hysterectomy.

You've already had four. Don't you think someone's gonna get wise?

I only said that to your father's side.

Meanwhile, four times,

not one card.

Oh, why don't you just tell them the truth, that it's too much for you?

What are they gonna do?

Never invite me to their place in Florida again.

I'll have to spend all my winters here.

Oh, Ma, we better look alive.

Now, the first thing we got to do

is find ourselves a mohel.

Well, there's a doozy right there.

Not a mole. A mohel.

That's the person that performs the circumcision.

That's chocolate.

Thank you.

Fran, tell that little stain that if he doesn't quit filming me,

he'll be able to turn that thing off by pressing his navel.

Oh, yeah, like you're gonna shove it down my throat.

Guess again.

B, why don't you do something constructive with yourself?

Because I've got a trust fund that kicks in at 18,

and everything between now and then is all filler.

That's terrible. You should be thinking about college, career,

what retirement condo you're gonna buy for your nanny in Boca.

Hey, if someone got me some milk, it could happen.

B, you're gonna make something

out of yourself, mister.

Now you love that camera so much?

There you go. Why don't you become a director?

You can move to Hollywood.

Hey, I'm not married to Boca.

I wouldn't mind living in Beverly Hills.

You know, I'm three hours younger there.

Oh, Ma, I've got a great idea.

Why don't we hire B to take the videotape of the bris?

You're going to trust an event like this to the boy?

Yes, I trust him completely.

He's a very mature, responsible young man,

and I think this would be a great experience for him.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Fran, my future freeloading in Florida

depends on this party.

-There is no way that I am going to... -He'll do it for a 10.

You're hired.

Sweetheart, I don't like to be filmed when I'm eating.

Which is why there's more footage of Bigfoot than her.

Ma, would you calm down? I'm on my way.

Oh, well, if you want an honest answer, yes.

I think serving miniature franks at a bris is tasteless, okay?

Miss--Miss Fine, do you really think you should wear that?

You don't want to distract the man doing the deed.

Oh, he's only got his mind on one thing.

Do you guys want to come?

-[MUMBLING] -No.

Brighton, come on!

Oh, he's upstairs in my closet trying on ties.

He wanted to look right for his first job.

Oh, well, trust me, nobody in my family is gonna look at him twice

unless he's wrapped in smoked turkey

with a toothpick shoved through him.

You know, Miss Fine, I'm very impressed

with the way you've gotten Brighton off his duff and pushed him into this.

Well, you know, this is what I do.

I mean, I've been at it for years.

I thought this was your first nanny job.

What nanny? I'm talking about being ayenta.

I mean, do I have great instincts or what?

You're the best.

And I do know when it's the right time to give a guy a little push.

You're amazing.

So then, I was right to send your book to a publisher?

You're fired.

Come on, Miss Fine, you knew perfectly well

I didn't want anyone to see that book.

Well, then, why did you let me read it?

Well, because I value your-- I didn't ask you to read it!

Will you just calm down?

You're beginning to pulsate over there.

You're very talented.

If I didn't push myself,

I wouldn't have a mansion, a butler, and a limousine.

Miss Fine, you don't have those things.

Look, I like to see the glass half-full. Do you mind?

The bottom line is the book's great,

and you're a great writer.

Well, I suppose there can't be any harm

in sending it to one publisher.

One, 12.

The point being, I was right about Brighton,

and I'm right about you.

Brighton, come on!

We're gonna be late for the bris. Chop, chop!

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

FRAN: Gorgeous boy.

Beautiful boy.

Handsome boy.

Oh, is that the ugliest baby

you have ever seen in your life?

Please. I had to come in here so I could eat.

If they were ever making a Mr. Gefilte Fish Head, that's the model.

So, what do you think of my boy?

-Beautiful. -Beautiful.

Meanwhile, everything is just delicious.

Aye! What is this? Cost Club mustard?

How dare you?

Ma, it is Cost Club mustard.

But I put it in a Gray Poupon jar.

How the hell did she know?

What is she, a mustard tester?

I owe you? You owe me.

1965,Fiddler on the Roof. I paid for the parking.

You remember that? Who took three sips of my Coke?

-Franny. -Yeah?

You let someone bring a mangy pet in here?

It's very unsanitary for the baby.

Yetta, that is the baby.

I guess I shouldn't have given him that meatball that...

that fell on the floor?

Ma, don't you think we should get this show on the road?

Morty, we're not waiting for halftime.

Get out here!

Okay, B, we're about to get started.

What are you doing?

BRIGHTON: I'm shooting the bris.

FRAN: That's brisket.

Don't you know what a bris is?

No.

Oh, well, fasten your lens cap. You're about to find out.

Shoot the baby.

All right. I'm just here to do whatever you...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

You don't look so good.

B, are you okay?

BRIGHTON: I don't really think so. [CRASHES]

B, B, are you okay?

Get up. You're gonna miss it.

There's no "Take two" in this.

[ALL CHEERING]

Oh, Miss Fine, the bris was a week ago.

The baby's gotten over it. I should think you could.

Oh, but Brighton is humiliated.

My mother is barred from Boca.

None of the family is speaking to me.

Well, there's the silver lining.

Oh, B. B, please, cheer up.

Nobody cares that you didn't tape the bris.

Your cousin Susan spit on me.

Well, that's a Jewish blessing.

Why do you think we have plastic on the furniture?

Just be glad Yetta didn't bless you,

'cause when her teeth shoot out, you can lose an eye.

Oh, Niles, God, I thought it was such a great idea.

You know, I think the old instincts are just gone.

Watch. The next thing I'll hear,

Mr. Sheffield's book isn't any good.

MAXWELL: Miss Fine!

I guess the old instincts are back.

Niles, have you seen Miss Fine?

Um, sorry, sir. I think she's gone out.

Oh, what a shame, because here I am

standing with Barbra Streisand...

I love you! I love you!

What is the one thing

I asked you never to joke about?

Nice work, Miss Fine. My book was rejected. They hated it.

Oh, I'm sure you're exaggerating.

They couldn't have hated it. "We hate it."

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Sheffield. I don't know what's happening.

I'm making mistakes left and right.

I've lost my powers. Oh, no.

I'm like Aunt Clara onBewitched.

Fran, did you send my videotape of the bris

toAmerica's Wackiest Home Videos?

I quit. That's it.

I'm not fit to raise children anymore.

I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know anything anymore.

I don't know anything.

Well, my tape got picked.

I knew it. I knew it!

Well, the best part is we all get a free trip to Hollywood.

Oh, do you know what this means?

You and Ethel are gonna steal John Wayne's footprints?

No, no. It means that my instincts are back,

and I'm better than ever.

What about this?

Mr. Sheffield, I'm a nanny.

You hired me to take care of kids.

You're a grown man.

You want your problems solved,

get a wife.

SINGER: ♪♪ Out where they say ♪♪

♪♪ Let us be gay ♪♪

♪♪ I'm going Hollywood ♪♪

♪♪ I'm ballyhoo ♪♪

♪♪ Greetings to you ♪♪

♪♪ I'm going Hollywood ♪♪

Well, here we are back at Stage 6 again.

You know, my people found their way out of the desert

faster than you're gonna find Stage 14.

Can you please ask someone for directions?

Miss Fine, I have been in show business my entire life.

I think I can find my way around a studio.

Okay. Do you want to write it down this time?

It's complicated.

You go down there past Stage 12 and next to it,

what do you know, 13.

And surprise, 14 is after that.

All right. No need to be so snide.

Really. You know, he's a big-time producer.

Really?

What do you produce?

Broadway.

Theater? All right. Move on. Move on.

These things cost a buck fifty each.

Maybe I should just catch up with you guys atWackiest Videos.

I got to find myself a bathroom.

Oh, ah, well, there's one of those right there.

Yeah, you go down to wardrobe and make a right...

no left. Left.

[SCATTING]

♪♪ Bonanza ♪♪

♪♪ Meanwhile, where do you pee? ♪♪

♪♪ Gotta go, gotta go, gotta really go ♪♪

We don't want everyone to panic, but this could be an epidemic.

Well, maybe we should move the children.

Pardon me.

WOMAN: Cut! Cut!

Oh, well, as long as you're stopped.

Oh, Dr. Quinn, I just love you so much.

I watch you every Saturday night. Not that I don't date.

I mean, I can tape it if someone would ask me out.

-Hi, I'm Fran Fine. -I'm Joe Lando.

DR. QUINN: Excuse me. Excuse me, please, but we're...

we're--we're in the middle of something.

FRAN: Honey, honey,

you're only married to him on the show.

When they yell "Cut," let it go.

Meanwhile, that coat is to die for.

Did you get that over at the mercantile?

Well, that's just a storefront, a set. It's--

Everything here is fake. It's...

-Fake. -Oh.

Even the john in your clinic over here?

Mmm-hmm.

Fake.

I'm sorry. It looked real.

Oh, now I know how Tom Arnold felt.

[♪♪♪]

Excuse me? Pardon me? Cute shoes.

-Where's everybody going? -Miss Fine, where have you been?

You missed the entire show.

Oh, I wandered onto theDr. Quinn

Say, you know that meeting that you were gonna have

-with Jane Seymour about that new play? -Hmm-hmm.

Don't bring her to the house.

-So, what happened? Did B win? -Uh, no.

Something calledMeet the Dunson Twins

Oh, is Brighton crushed?

No. Meet the Dunson twins.

I love show business.

Oh, another happy ending.

Oh, you know, a lot of people told me

that I should move here and get into movies.

Oh, what stopped you?

Talkies.

Oh, Maxwell, you're home.

Very funny.

You know, he's due back any moment

so you'd better get out of his suit.

So the big, nosy butler just couldn't wait to read Maxwell's book.

How pathetic.

For your information, this is not his book.

It's chapters one through five.

-I've got six through ten. -I'll trade you, trade you.

[EXCLAIMING]

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, you're home.

Oh, right. [CHUCKLES]

Like I'm gonna fall for that?

[EXCLAIMING] I'm reading Maxwell's stupid book.

-C.C. -And it's great! It's good!

I tried to stop her, sir.

Look, I ripped half of it out of her hand.

Oh, I'm so glad to be home.

But I'll tell you, I'm gonna miss that room service.

Niles, could you make me some hot tea and turn down my bed?

I can't wait to show my class

the pretzels that Joey Lawrence...

-..left on the plane. - [SQUEALING]

Joey Lawrence wasn't on the plane.

Neither was my class.

-I--I don't believe it. -What? What?

Someone's going to publish my book.

Oh, now you see, I knew you had talent.

I hope you never doubt yourself again.

Well, I must say, Miss Fine, this is a little thrilling.

I, uh... I suppose I do owe you a bit of an apology.

Oh, please, please, all I'm happy about

is that everyone knows how good you are.

-Miss Fine? -Yeah?

How much are you paying to have his book published?

[SHUSHING]

$2,500.

Where are you getting the money?

I thought I'd ask you for it.

Old instincts are gone again.

Miss Fine, what if he finds out?

Oh, trust me, he's never gonna find out.

What? They enclosed a bill with the letter?

Miss Fine!

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]