Original subtitles

Miss Fine, some mail came for you.

A male? Well, who is he?

What does he look like? Did you let him get away?

Miss Fine, this kind of mail.

Oh, well, I know him.

Bill.

Look at this, something from Danny.

Oh, my ex-fiancé's baby was born.

-Oh. -Look at that head of hair.

Oh, my God, it's not his head.

Well, at least Danny can be sure it's his.

Oh, Niles, you ever think about having a kid of your own,

someone that you could take care of,

put to bed at night,

rub Vicks on his little chest when he's sick?

I already have one.

Isn't he adorable?

[SIGHING]

-Miss Fine, are you all right? -Oh, yeah.

I just thought that by this age I'd have a child of my own.

And maybe if I hadn't dumped Danny,

this little Chia Pet could have been mine.

Miss Fine, you still have plenty of time to have children.

Meanwhile, there's an expiration date

stamped on my eggs,

"Best if used before you start looking like your mother."

You know, he's really not so bad.

A lot of women like hairy men. What's his name?

Let me see.

Uh-oh. Judy.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

SINGER:♪♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪♪

♪♪ 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out ♪♪

♪♪ In one of those crushing scenes ♪♪

♪♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪♪

♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪

♪♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffields' door ♪♪

♪♪ She was there to sell makeup, but the father saw more ♪♪

♪♪ She had style! She had flair! She was there! ♪♪

♪♪ That's how she became the nanny! ♪♪

♪♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we've described

♪♪ Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪♪

♪♪ Now the father finds her beguiling ♪♪

♪♪ Watch out, C.C.! ♪♪

♪♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪♪

♪♪ Such♪♪

♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪

♪♪ When everybody else is wearing tan ♪♪

♪♪ The flashy girl from Flushing ♪♪

♪♪ The nanny named Fran! ♪♪

Oh, Niles, look at this little grooming set

that I put together for Danny's baby.

It's got a little comb and a little brush and an Epilady junior.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Oh, I'm just so jealous.

You know, Miss Fine, I can't see why

this picture makes you yearn for a child.

I could see a Lhasa Apso.

Oh, stop, stop. It's not nice.

Miss Fine, I don't think I tell you often enough

what a wonderful job you're doing.

So, I've got a little gift certificate here from Saks.

I want you to take the afternoon off and have a shopping spree.

-Somebody famous coming over this afternoon? -Uh-huh.

-Trying to get rid of me? -Desperately.

Oh, are you still upset about that Charlton Heston thing?

I mean, so I went for a lock of his hair.

How was I to know the whole thing would come off?

Please, Miss Fine.

It doesn't matter. I'm very busy today.

I have to go buy my mother a birthday present,

take Brighton to the orthodontist, get tights for Gracie,

-visit Grandma Yetta at the home. -Good.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

All of which I can do after I meet the famous person.

[FRAN GASPS]

Oh, my God!

It's Monica Baker, the movie star.

I just love you.

Well, then we have a lot in common.

I have followed your entire career.

Your affair with the Baldwin brothers,

the Bridges,

and oh, I almost left out the Sheen brothers.

I wish I had.

Fran, I'm asking Alison to the Thanksgiving Day parade.

Does "Eat dirt and die" mean no?

Oh, give me the phone.

Hi, Alison.

Yeah, I hear you're going to the parade with Brad Pitt.

No?

Well, how about Johnny Depp? No?

Well, honey, aren't you just being a little too cocky?

Uh-huh.

She's desperate. She'll go out with anyone.

-I love you. -I love you more.

Did I mention that I'm a famous movie star

just standing here like a lump?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Come this way.

Cute son.

Oh, he's not my kid. I'm the nanny.

If he were my son, he'd have big hair

and be a lifetime member of Weight Watchers.

I just left my baby, Zack, with his nanny.

Oh, everybody has a baby.

Look, my ex-boyfriend Danny and his wife just had one.

She's not breastfeeding, though.

The kid's on a low-silicone diet.

Oh, isn't it dangerous to have that puppy right on top of the baby?

[MONICA GASPS]

I know. As much as I wanna have a kid,

something tells me I was better off

not dipping into that gene pool.

-I went to a sperm bank. -Wow!

Husbands just get in the way of dating, big time.

Oh. No.

I don't feel that way.

I want to marry a guy, get pregnant,

and have someone to blame for making me

swell and vomit for nine months.

Well, I thought so, too,

but I decided that I wanted to have a baby

before I started looking like my mother.

Uh, about this sperm bank, do they have an express line?

Well, it's really quite simple.

For a donor, I chose a rugged outdoorsman

with a passion for dirt biking and fixing cars.

Oh, do they have any Jewish guys?

Fran, are you sure this is how the pilgrims dressed?

Oh, honey,

I didn't get enough material.

So, they'll call her the Mayflower Madam.

Look at you, sewing kids' costumes.

Oh, you're gonna make such a good mother.

Oh, thank you.

What do you think, baby? Am I gonna be a good mommy?

Sure. It's easy.

"Darling, my happiness isn't important,

but would it kill you to give me

one grandchild before I die?"

"Morty, put the seat down! I almost fell in!"

Oh, my God.

That's the last time I let Ma baby-sit for her.

Fran, you know that I will support

whatever you decide,

but don't you think people would be a little shocked

if you just showed up pregnant?

Yeah. They'd think I had a date.

You know, Val, to tell you the truth,

I don't really care what people think anymore.

I mean, I know that I want to have a kid,

and I don't know if I'm ever gonna meet Mr. Right.

Yeah, but artificial insemination?

Well, that's how I got here, 'cause I know my parents have never...

Look, I can't tell you what to do. Your body's your own.

You got that right. 'Cause if anybody else was using it,

I wouldn't have to order take-out.

-What do you think, Niles? -Hmm?

Should I have a baby?

Miss Fine, pregnant.

I'm not sure the world is ready for you in a muumuu.

Oh, hey, this mama ain't wearing no muumuu.

When that kid is born, you're gonna be able to read

"Donna Karan Control Top" across his little forehead.

You know, Fran, this isn't gonna be easy.

There's gonna be a lot of pain and suffering and possible embarrassment.

Oh, you guys going to another singles bar?

-No! -No!

I'm talking about the delivery.

I mean, how do they manage to yank

a whole little human being out of you?

[GRUNTING]

Well, it doesn't have to be so bad.

-I mean, if you get somebody that's gentle and sensitive. -Yeah.

Oh, come on, get out of there. Just get...

This is such a weird location for a sperm bank,

right in the middle of a shopping mall?

Oh, well, it used to be a, uh, Siemen's Furniture Showroom.

So they only had to change half the sign.

If you'd like to see profiles

of the gentlemen who've contributed,

here's our donor menu.

-[GASPING] -Oh, look at the selection.

Wow!

Boy, is everyone in the menu,

or do you have, like, a catch of the day?

Look at Number 64.

But he's got a weight problem,

gastrointestin al abnormalities,

and a mother who's certifiably insane.

Right. Well, I want him to fit in the family.

Do you see anything you like?

Hmm. Number 41 looks okay.

But, you know, I really need another second.

I mean, it takes me a half an hour

just to order from the Der Wienerschnitzel.

No pun intended!

Maybe you'd like to take this home?

You know, you're right. It's a big decision.

Come on, Val.

We'll go to Hickory Farms next door and fill up on samples.

[FRAN SCREAMING] Oh, I'm so sorry!

Oh, Val, are you as embarrassed as I... Val?

I just can't understand

why we're not as productive as we were last year.

Profits are down, ticket sales are down.

But some figures are increasing.

Listen, Hazel...

oh, don't you have something to dust off?

How about the left side of your bed?

I'll tell you why we're not as productive.

Because the two of you never shut up.

-You don't have to get nasty about it. -Well, excuse me for living.

Hi.

Knock. Knock. Mr. Sheffield, can I talk to you a minute?

Actually, I don't have the time.

I've always thought of you as more than just an employer...

Miss Fine, I'm working.

-You know, we're kind of like friends. -Very busy.

Oh, why don't I just cut to the chase?

What would you say if I told you

I wanted to have a baby?

Niles, hold my calls.

NILES:Why?

Mind your own bloody business. It's private.

NILES:Sorry, sir.

So, go on, Miss Fine.

NILES:Now, we can hear them, but they can't hear us.

Oh, maybe it's this one.

C.C.:No, no, no. It's that one, you jackass.

It's the red one.

All right. So, why do you suddenly

want to have a baby?

I mean, where did this come from?

Oh, I've been thinking about this ever since

Samantha had Tabitha onBewitched.

You know, I don't know why Darrin never let her use her powers.

What? It was better sucking up to Larry Tate for a raise?

I was always with Endora on that one.

Miss Fine, how are you gonna have a baby without a man?

Mr. Sheffield, it's the '90s.

If they can grow a human ear on the back of a mouse, I can have a baby.

All I need is a donor.

A...a donor?

You mean, someone that's just gonna give you...

The fruit of his looms.

Well, who exactly do you have in mind?

Oh, I've picked the perfect guy.

41. Tall, dark, handsome, creative,

with a big head of hair.

So, what do you think?

Oh, well, uh, this is...

this is a big decision.

I'm, uh, gonna have to give this some thought.

Well, I'm glad that you're taking it seriously

because, you know,

I really value your input.

Oh, my God! What am I gonna do?

What do you think, Niles?

Couldn't hear you, sir. Leaf blowing.

Perhaps it'd work better if you switched it on.

[WHIRRING]

MAXWELL: Niles.

Help me.

Oh, darn it, man, just get in here.

Don't do that, sir.

Don't we have enough scary things roaming around in the corridors?

Look, it seems Miss Fine is determined

to go through with this baby thing.

I'm afraid she's gonna ask me to, uh, assist.

Well, what makes you so sure she wants you?

Oh, come on, man, she practically spelled it out.

She wants someone tall, handsome, creative.

Did she also mention cocky, vain,

couldn't get the laundry in the hamper if his life depended on it?

-No. -Then what are you worried about?

I'm telling you, she wants me.

She wants me real bad.

Niles, I'm gonna need your help in this.

All right. But there better be a damn big Christmas bonus

in my stocking.

All right. Now, let's not panic.

All she needs is someone to sit her down

and talk to her calmly and rationally.

I'll kill her.

How could my own daughter not tell me

that I am gonna be an illegitimate grandmother?

[SOBBING]

I know. I know.

Can I get you anything?

No. Nothing. Nothing.

Maybe lunch.

No fish!

Sylvia, I--I didn't mean to alarm you.

I just thought you should know.

The girl is a nut. She's totally lost her mind.

Who did she pick to father this kid?

I believe it's me.

You could do a lot worse.

Ma? What are you doing here?

Oh, I was just in the neighborhood catching up on the news,

like my unmarried daughter's gonna have a baby.

Ma, I can't plan my life around a husband.

It may never happen.

Well, I'm dead now. Do what you want.

Sylvia.

Do you know what it's like for a child to grow up without a father?

Yeah, Ma. I haven't seen Daddy

since Flushing got wired for cable.

He loves the Spice Channel.

And I'll tell you, he has learnt a few things.

-Sylvia. -Ma.

Oh, fine, have a baby.

Do you know how long it takes to get your figure back?

I don't know, Ma. 32 years?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Darling, you don't know what it's like to take care of a little one.

You are used to three grown kids

who don't even need you anymore.

Ma, lay off. Get it?

As in lay off the unneeded nanny.

They would be lost without her.

SYLVIA: [GASPS] Oh, my God. It's Monica Baker.

I can't tell you how many people meet me on the street

and swear that I am you.

Ma, that's Tammy Faye Bakker.

Sit down. Sit down.

Monica, we're having brunch with the Schuberts.

Why do you have your child with you?

My nanny is sick.

And I couldn't just leave him.

My poor little baby.

-Well, if you want, I'd be happy to... -Okay.

Hi.

Mommy loves you.

But the public loves Mommy.

So she has to go.

Hi, sweetie.

Oh, are we gonna have a ball.

Of course, some people here

don't think that I can take care of a little kid.

You like SpaghettiOs?

You know what? I'm full.

Here you go. Don't drink and drive, honey.

[TV PLAYING]

[SIGHING]

["FLINSTONES" THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[♪♪♪]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[SCREECHING]

Cootchie-cootchie-coo.

[SCREAMING]

-[SCREAMING] -♪♪ Rock-a-bye baby ♪♪

♪♪ On the treetop ♪♪

♪♪ When the wind blows ♪♪

♪♪ The cradle will rock ♪♪

-♪♪ When the bough breaks ♪♪ -[SCREAMING]

♪♪ The cradle will fall ♪♪

[FAST] ♪♪ And down will come baby cradle and... ♪♪

..all. [SCREAMS]

Oh, I guess you just want to sleep, huh?

All right. Good night, little fellow.

Ohhhh.

You don't want me to go?

Well, I can sit here and cuddle with you.

Okay.

[SHUSHING]

Let's go to sleep.

♪♪ Lullaby ♪♪

[SCREAMING]

Sorry.

[♪♪♪]

-Here you go. -Thanks again, Fran.

I hope he wasn't too much trouble.

Oh, no, not at all.

-Bye, Zacky. -Bye.

Bye-bye.

Oh, isn't he cute?

You should have seen him driving around

in his little car all over the house.

Oh, by the way, you know that ceramic vase

that's in the hallway?

Oh, you mean the Picasso.

Oh, isn't he cute?

You know, you look good with a baby, Miss Fine.

Oh, thanks.

Well, you should hire me as your nanny.

Pay me 500 bucks a week, and I'll quit my old job.

I'll tell you, this was the greatest day of my life.

Do you know that I taught him a new word?

Entenmann's.

So I suppose your mind is made up about having a child?

Absolutely.

Yeah, I'm definitely not gonna have one right now.

What?

Yeah. You know, when I put little Zacky to sleep,

and he was lying there looking so precious,

I looked around, and there was no one to share it with.

I know what you mean, Miss Fine.

Ohh.

Well, I'll tell you, I admire women that do it on their own

but at the end of the day, I want his daddy to come home

so I can put the baby in his arms and say,

"Here, your turn. I'm playing Mahjong."

Well, I must say I am relieved.

Why? What have you got to do with it?

Well, I, uh, you know...

you were gonna ask me to...

Wait a minute.

Do you think that I was gonna ask you to be the father?

I most certainly did not.

And you could do worse.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield,

are your feelings hurt that I wasn't gonna ask you?

No.

Come on, you're my boss. I'm your nanny.

What were you gonna do? Pay me to take care of our kid?

Wait a minute. This could work out.

No, no. It would be too weird.

You know, if you want to have a baby with me, Maxwell Sheffield,

you're just gonna have to do it the old-fashioned way.

Marry you?

Yeah, that, too.

[♪♪♪]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]